Dark Blood

Dark blood is an interesting read. 'Powerful warriors from the skies fight with potent weapons beyond the level of human beings on for the good and the other for bad' - no matter how many times this concept is told in stories, but every time it gives a nail biting anxiety. highly starred and put on my W.L. I will get back to you after reading few more chapters. GOOD LUCK

venkatarama

Hi L, Your book title is catchy .. I like it! I also like your short pitch but wondering if it would make more of an impact by dividing it into 2 sentences & shortening it .. "The human race awaits the Messiah. Will eighteen year old Cera prove to be their Savior?

Long pitch .. Great first sentence! But next .. Three hundred years have passed .. etc .. beneath the earth's surface. Depending on an elite group of warriors to protect them, demonic forces threaten to destroy what little they have left. next para .. At the end of her training, Cera stands on the cusp ..etc... Just a few thoughts .. please feel free to ignore!

Chapt 1; This chapter is a warning .. make it tougher/rougher by leaving out extra words. Dig down deep & think about the hardships these people are enduring. Live down in the tunnel with them in these opening paras...feel them! They're going to be a people of few words so make it raw! "Darkness spread through the Abbey ...the electrical and gas powered lights turned off for the night. Thick, inky pools of blackness filled the small sleepy town. For three hundred years we had grown accustomed to the artificial days from the generated lights. The Abbey, home to an elite team of warriors, holy men and women devoting their lives to their weaker members protection, was no exception to the laws governing the last of the human race. ...or something to that effect.

Watch out for "that" "had" "had been" "of" "who" "then" "so" "as" Sometimes you need them but not always. If they aren't necessary in the sentence they will slow your story down & interrupt the flow of the sentence.

I'm seeing a lot of "as" Sometimes you can rearrange the sentence so you don't need it .. other times try using a different word.. "while" often fits. Chapt 3: Luke stood to my left, his hand on the pommel of his sword, (as he watched) watching the courtyard for signs of the impending attack. (eliminated "as he" by changing watched to watching) Later .. "With a single nod I watched (as they rounded) them round up the initiates ..etc. "Sit," Sister Mary ordered (as she came) coming up behind me.

Chapt 3; 1st para .. Some how = Somehow

end of chapt 3 ... As I moved closer, I was surprised to find "that" the light ..etc .. was warm. = Moving closer, I was surprised the conflicting bright and dull light radiated a slight warmth. Touching it, I was thrown etc .. (you need radiated or something in the 1st sentence to show you hadn't already touched it)

Good dialogue throughout! Interesting about the angel marks on the arms. There is a gentleness in your writing. Don't forget to make it tough in spots! I think you just need to edit out some words to tighten some sentences. Maybe add a little more descriptions in areas but don't overdo it. Your writing reminds me a lot of mine. I've had to work at editing out lots of unnecessary words & restructure sentences. Plus, I have to remind myself at times to add descriptive words! Good job! Lots of stars!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44825/the-genealogists-on-holy-ground/

Dear Forgotten Lady,
This is a great epic fantasy filled with all the right ingredients for a winning formula. I think that it is important that I underline formula here because the intro narrative borders on cliche but it rescued with some great touches such as the mark of the Angel. This is very original and gives a depth to your main character Cera as the plot unfolds. It is fantastic that you have a female as the hero!
I like the way that you describe the symbols of the angels and introduce the concept of the greater demons. This detailing gives even more depth to your originbal take on the armageddon theme.
In the second chapter the is a very strong hook for the reader to identify in their own way and to sympathise with Cera when you state that her death will bring about the death of humaity and this also adds a great deal of suspense.
The 3rd chapter was where the action really grabbed the reader and a battle class for the on-going fight is a great concept. The way you have described the details of the armour (for ex) outs the reader wel into the picture. the narrative connecting Arch Angel Michael with Cera and her role in the battle leading the humans. This ties back to her wearing the Mark of Michael which completes a suspense circle and brings a real fullness to her as a character.
Your battle scenes are also vividly depicted and the ending of the 3rd chapter (as with all the chapter endings) keeps the reader hanging on for more.
the last chapter that you have uploaded is also in its perfect place with the more human descriptions of intimacy netween the fighters and their relationships with each other. this is inteligently choreographed in context of the entire plot. I especially like the way that the reader's symapathy for Cera is intensified with her being out for the week and the image of Luke (well chosen name) as glowing completes the phoenix symbolism that I am sure you have consciously created.
Very Very well done. This is based on many familiar themes and characters that the reader can instantly identify with but with an unusual and intelligent plot that is made so real for the reader with your great eye for detail.
I cant wait until you upload more for me to read about James' leap of faith and how his relationship with Cera develops.
Six Stars! , SteveSeven

I only read your pitch...and didn't feel any desire to read farther. Which might be sad, because the other comments make it sound like this is a really good book. The reason I didn't get past the pitch is because the book sounds really cliche; I would suggest changing the pitch a little to give it a unique flare.

Dark Blood
I note your request for helpful critique and I certainly hope I can be helpful but you must always take what people here say as only single opinions and use what you find resonates with your way of doing things.

Short Pitch: It struck me that there is a contradiction in the way you present this. I confidently predict that if ever cast iron evidence of the existence of heaven and hell were to appear choosing sides would be unproblematic for everyone! I think the problem is as simple as reversing the thing. Start with ‘Lucifer plans… and then say ‘but picking sides becomes… and then, in two or three words say why.

Long pitch: Forget the argument about existence bit and go straight to ‘Cera is…’ that should tighten it up.

Prologue: The opening doesn’t work. I don’t think it’s a good idea to start that all important paragraph with a contradiction. It throws the reader. Instead plunge them straight into the atmosphere of the story. I wandered a little in those first paragraphs. I think you need to name check characters because I’m expecting to meet Cera and you quickly introduce others and it starts to confuse, especially as the MC of this Prologue is clearly Myra. Also, though I started to get it, I’m not sure the prologue did what they are supposed to do – set the scene. I was left with questions. We are in a Rosemary’s Baby scenario.

C1: I followed this fairly well. The language is certainly more than adequate but then I got to ‘Ever since I was six years old, I’ve been sick’. Who is she talking to? This is the character directly addressing the reader and it jars. Up to here you were handing the dialogue well and such facts need to be artfully inserted into the dialogue rather than dumped on the reader. There is only a little of that so you can sort it fairly easily I think. Once you get going with the descriptive stuff it becomes much easier to read and flows well. Your story-telling ability then comes to the fore.

Wow L, this is brilliant. I had read the first chapter or two months ago and decided to get back to it today and read it all the way to the end! I was hooked! I only moved away from this window when I was forced to because this story was that amazing. You'll make it to the publishers desk one day, I'm sure of it. And when they book hits the stores, I will be sure to buy it.

7/22/2012 - okay, I have loved the original but this rewrite so far it just brilliant! Love it!

I love YA Fantasy...so I decided to come over and take a peek at your work. I am glad I did! I just read your first chapter(Prologue) but it is well written and enough to deserve a spot on the watch list. I will be coming back for more, when the hour isn't quite so late. If there is anything specific you would like me to look at please let me know. So far, I am please with your writing and this promises to be an interesting read. If you get a chance, I would appreciate and feedback on Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Best of luck with your book!

Best,
Ashley

Dear Forgotten Lady,
This is a great (if strage) adventure for me. I haven't read such a book since Rosemary's baby, but you did it so well, before i knew it i was reading chapter four. Being sunday and having to be a church does not afford me anymore time this am, but i will continue later. Dark Blood has the appeal of the unkown, and i find reads such as these, very compelling.
Best.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Chapters 2 and 3

Ah, we're back in Hell again! I really do love your imagery of the underworld. I notice that you are no longer switching tenses when Cera goes to Hell.

I like the bit of background you give us here that Cera uses her dreams as a kind of refuge from her illness and problems. That may in part explain her quick acceptance of the dream world as real. I also like the contrast you set up between her dream-utopia and the Hell that she's visiting now.

Now, it does seem that Cera is leaping to conclusions in a strange way. I think if we could see more of her thought processes, it might make a bit more sense. For example, she didn't believe in heaven and hell until the last chapter. So why does she immediately leap to the conclusion that it conforms to a Christian heaven/hell dichotomy? There are many different conceptions of the underworld in different mythologies and religions, so it seems strange that we don't have an explanation of how she reaches the conclusion that there must be a heaven and that people are tortured in hell. The explanation could really be anything... does she study demonology and recognize the name of Astaroth? Did her father raise her as Christian, even though she later chose not to believe? Again, this is the sort of detail that could give us some insight into Cera's history and character.

You are also asking the reader to leap to some conclusions. Cera tells Astaroth that she has been having violent urges, but we haven't seen this at all up until now. She did note that she was angry during her party, but there didn't seem to be a whiff of violence about that, she only had the urge to do a bit of shouting, and it didn't really seem to be very unusual given the situation and her relationship with her mother. I would have loved to have seen a slower buildup to this with these violent urges appearing over the course of several days, for example. It would really build up suspense and it would also help to explain why Cera is so ready to believe that Hell is real and something strange is happening to her.

Overall, I like your concept and imagery. You've set up several areas of conflict and suspense and created a very interesting world. My main criticisms come down to pace. This is a personal taste thing: I really love a slower pace where we get a gradual build of suspense, bits of character history hinted at and built up and so on. With your pace you are really driving the plot along without very much background or buildup, but hey, I know other people really prefer that in a story as well. It just depends on what you are going for. So take that criticism with a grain of salt!

Mottsnave

Prologue and Chapter 1:

I love the 'two sides' you present here between the prologue and chapter 1, where we see how Myra is forced to have an unwanted child and then the consequence that she is distant and unable to bond with her daughter. If you only presented Cera's point of view, it would be easy to see Myra as a cold and terrible person. With the prologue, we can begin to see the reasons for her actions, even if they are extremely hurtful to Cera.

Now, Cera's conversation with her father does make me wonder about her history with her mother. Cera seems like a really direct person, and I can't help wondering if she ever came out and asked her mother why she is so distant. If so, how did her mother respond? Also, the fact that Cera knows that her mother doesn't really work begs for explanation. How did she find this out? Did she just stumble across some clue and realize the truth, or was she so desperate to get closer to her mother that she acted like a spy and followed her around? Does Cera's father not know the truth because it was very hard to find out, or is it in fact right in front of his face and he is just in very deep denial? I think these are important questions to answer, because they would reveal a lot about Cera's character, level of determination, and a lot about the family. I would love to see a little more about this kind of family history, since I think it would add a lot to the personality of Cera as well as her parents.

I really love your descriptions of the dream world at the end of this chapter. The shift into present tense and the dark imagery really separates us into another world. Cera seems very ready to accept this as a sort of separate reality, something unlike any other dream. Is there a specific reason that she does this? i.e. is she able to feel, see, smell and sense things more clearly than in a regular dream? I'd like to see specifically why she decides that it is not simply a dream.

This is a very intriguing beginning and setup with a lot of conflict and a nice note of suspense to end on. Well done!

Mottsnave

Oh - I do like this! A bit of Rosemary's Baby - a dash of Satania! Well written, well rounded with well paced character development and building anticipation. I'll be interested to see where this goes.
Backed with Best Wishes
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark

What a wonderful and inviting read. Your writing flows extremely well. I am not a critic and read for the enjoyment. I am backing you with wishes for your success on this site. Sincerely. Marie - 'Sun Shine and Rain'

Again, sorry for the delay. You have a good solid premise and your writing flows well. Interesting start with the prologue. Consider starting with the second paragraph, it's much more engaging than the first one and the first one really serves no purpose except to tell us how hot it is and where they're at, which isn't necessary for this prologue. What's important for the reader is to know that Cera's mother is charged with her birth and protecting her.

The first chapter is kind of slow and too full of info dumping. Info dumps should be avoided in the first fifty pages. Little bits of information are okay if needed. But most of what you dump in chapter one isn't needed to know yet.

Backed for a great premise and clear writing.

Laurie - Into The Master's Lair

Dear L
Great read, and this to me is the most important, believe me there are many books on this site that need editing, however if you have a good book that will come. if you dont have a good book NOTHING will do including a good edit. so congrats on a good book, great characters, well paced
BACKED FOR SURE BY ME
Denise
The Letter
please take time to comment and back my book if you feel so, if not that is OK also thank you and the VERY best of luck

Your work is very stirring and intriguing. However some edit bits needed.
In the opening paragraph of the prologue: She rushed to close the window (who is she?) State name for clarity
Myra's sister? The Lady with the grey hair?
In three hours she will draw the curtains???? Why?

Really great story but a little tightening will close off the tiny holes. Tell us more.

backed
THE MIND SETTER

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Cera. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to explore her thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear L., I love the battle for good (Heaven) against evil (Hell) :) - it is a spiritual warfare according to Ephesians 6. :) Great pitch beckoning me to read. :) Of course, I know God wins in the end. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

:) comment to follow - read & backed 7 hours later :)