The Robe

I've read your frst chapter. First, I have to say that this isn't my usual genre so I looked overall at the style and the writing. This does need some editing, including your long pitch which has some typos in it. I agree with the review below that it is a little too detailed. I also found a lack of emotion in it. For instance, when the MC wakes after the explosion at the front door, he doesn't rush around looking for his famly. What's happened to them? Why does he just calmly put on his robe and sally forth? The premise of this story is good and it could make for an exciting read but there is something lacking here that I can't quite put my finger on. I would be happy to read and comment in more detail but it would have to be offsite so I could more easily give you detailed comments. Up to you. My email jlwfontaine@hotmail.fr
I'll wait to hear from you. if you don't want to send by email I'll try and do it on here but offsite as a word doc would be easier. Best of luck with this and sorry I couldn't give a better comment at this stage. I see that you have written several books so maybe you won't feel that you need anything further from me.Fontaine.

First of all, I’m SO sorry it took me so long to review your book. I owed a lot of reads. I really love this story’s potential so I want to keep your book on my shelf for a while. I’ve made some notes with the intentions of give you insight as to what would make this a better read for me. The key words there being *for me*. If what I say doesn’t resonate, please ignore.

Punctuation fix:
I always enjoyed waking up to a family who loved me: my wife Stephanie and my two beautiful daughters.

Cut inside the brackets, as “up” is implied. (You don’t rise down) {add}
I rose [up] and crossed my legs, then I looked around [my surroundings], {at the} [a] dark room with [the] bright light from the window [filling the room and] lighting up the paintings around the walls.
Final result: I rose and crossed my legs, then looked around at the dark room, with bright light from the window lighting the paintings on the walls.
It’s tighter and easier to read.

This is a comma splice:
“A few moments passed and I finally got out of the bed, I turned back and looked at Stephanie as she slept so peacefully and the light gleamed across and lit up her skin.”
Fix:
A few moments passed, and I finally got out of the bed. I turned back and looked at Stephanie as she slept so peacefully and the light gleamed across and lit up her skin.

You can use a tighter POV here:
Behind me, the bed creaked and my wife sighed. She looked at me with the same stare as always. “Every time you look at those robes, Robert, I do wonder what you wish to see in them.”
For more on tightening POV:
http://writeintoprint.blogspot.com/2011/05/inkmuse-scoop-plus-pimp-your-pov.html

Note: I love Stephanie’s dialogue voice.

My overall assessment of this opening is that you need to get away from this ‘wake up’ opening. Start right with him looking at the robes and his wife’s waking up and saying that.

As to your writing on the whole, you need to work on not detailing every last movement of your characters. It’s a pace killer.

On the whole, I’d say this is a great premise and you have a great voice. I especially enjoy your dialogue. You need some work in terms of grammar/punctuation and also in terms of delivery technique, but that’s just my opinion. Ideally, I’d say for what your opening chapter contains, you could do it safely at 3000-4000 words—to me, that would make the pacing for the content just right. There’s a lot of overwriting here so it shouldn’t be too hard to do.

Please ignore any suggestions of mine that don’t ring true. I hope I’ve offered something useful.

Darren, the first chapter of The Robe mesmerized me! I love books with thriller and fantasy blended into a masterpiece. Your book is just like this. The peace of family life is torn to shreds in no time, and we are in for action, adrenaline and edge. I loved the sentence "He went to stab me without saying goodbye..."; in the following paragraph you meant "I thought about this as I lay down..." [not 'laid down'].
The Crimson Assassin? Wow! I crave for more!

Ivan
The Beholder

In your pitch did you mean to say ...family swept away not slept?? Otherwise this is such a great idea for a fantasy novel. Talented writing that is superbly paced from the start! A book i'd buy so Ive shelved it.

Skater

Darren,
I find your style of writing mesmerizing. I've placed The Robe on my watchlist and rated it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

You are totally fantastic, Darren! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & they are now ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 5 smaller ones since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

I'll keep the book on here for as long as possible. I hope you get better soon and you'll cross that editors desk. Thank you for looking at my work again, The Robe is my favourite of my work. :)

You are totally fantastic, Darren! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & they are now ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 5 smaller ones since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

this is well written. the first person works especially well, making it sound personal and true; on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Robert. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey his thoughts and emmotions. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Darren, I love your intriguing suspenseful story :) "You did what needed to be done....nothing less, nothing more" really struck me :) - that's my quest in life. :) Your pitch prepared me for out hero to rescue his family and at the end of chapter 3, he's still trying. :) We've backed each other's books :) - thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I read the original "The Robe" onto ten 90-minute cassette tapes years ago. :)

:) comment to follow :)

I look forward to it. :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 7 hours later :)