Book Jacket

 

rank 396
word count 95348
date submitted 20.10.2010
date updated 14.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Popular Culture
classification: universal
complete

One Night in Tunisia

Clive Radford

Set against the Blair-Brown years, Poseidon’s crew has an unexpected encounter with an asylum seeker in Tunis, which profoundly affects all their futures.

 

On sojourn, Glyn Sumner and his comrades voyage around the Med on Poseidon, a fast schooner. They find solace away from the ever imposing regulations and sterility of Blighty, and experience transcendence and seminal life in North African ports.

Tunis brings bewildering confrontations for the crew with Saleh, an Ethiopian asylum seeker, suspected of involvement with Muslim terrorists, and Colonel Nassar, Chief of Police. It sharpens Glyn’s focus regarding what’s happening back in Blighty.

Off Sicily, Poseidon witnesses an asylum seeker sea rescue by the coast guard. Poseidon’s crew wonders if Saleh is on board, or whether he is shaking hands with Neptune. They also ponder if they are also crossing over to the dark side, with Priest’s dystopia vision just around the corner.

Chapters

1 Unexpected Encounter
2 The Die is Cast
3 Realisation
4 Ship's Company
5 A Martyr in the Making
6 Embarkation
7 Sages and Seers
8 Searching for Passage
9 Escapism
10 Spying on Poseidon's Crew
11 Into the Tunis Night
12 The Police Station
13 Majid's Cruiser
14 Back on Poseidon
15 Final Brush with Neptune
16 Appendix 1 Poseidon

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

confessional, controversy, escapism, metaphysical

on 18 watchlists

133 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

2

report abuse

The Die is Cast

Somewhere to the west of Dire Dawa, Saleh’s Christian mother Gabra had given birth to him during a drought crisis, which had driven many rural Ethiopians in the direction of the countries major cities. His Muslim father Jasim followed the path of most Sub-Saharan men, engaging in multiple affairs, and sham common-law marriages to a number of women. For Jasim, it had produced 28 children over a ten year period, most dying in infancy through disease and malnutrition.
 
            Saleh was his latest offspring. While Gabra fended for herself, and her five surviving children, during the last few months of pregnancy, Jasim went off to Dessie, north of Addis Ababa, to be with another one of his women for a few months. He made her pregnant, before moving further north to Mek’ele, to repeat the same feckless and irresponsible process.
 
            This kind of immoral and reckless ritual, and the gross sexual abuse of women, had been a feature of Sub-Saharan societies for thousands of years. The men pretended that prodigious procreation was necessary to sustain the Ethiopian race, in the face of alarming high infant mortality rates. In truth, that was a convenience, allowing them to flit from fatherless-family to fatherless-family, increasing their number, whilst failing to fulfil both husbandly and fatherly responsibilities.
 
            When the Western Christian missionaries arrived in the 19th century with medicines and morality as their byword, infant mortality reduced, but rampant procreation remained unabated. A hundred years later, Western aid agencies had taken on the endless task, their efforts making little impact on the overpopulation problem, or reducing starvation in the wake of famine. They made contraception freely available to both men and woman, courtesy of Western tax payers, who also funded the black hole of food and shelter provision, without any affect in terms of reducing, let alone reversing the seemingly endless poverty trend. In spite of billions of pounds, dollars and euros poured into the Sub-Sahara in the main all it did was produce even more unwanted babies and parentless children. The men saw the opportunity to be even more negligent and foolish in terms of fathering children, knowing that because of all kinds of politically self-imposed pressures based on ancient history, the West could always be relied upon to featherbed their offspring. Those males who did make it into adulthood merely carried on the business as usual culture.
 
            Though many women saw contraception as a way to get away from more or less a life of sustained pregnancy until they died, most men abhorred the provision. Women would be beaten, even murdered, if caught taking the pill by husbands or live-in boyfriends.
 
            No matter what the aid workers did in terms of sex education and basic family economics, it resulted in little change to attitudes. The men largely sustained absentee father status to their multiple children, and the woman remained too scared to refuse sex, or take the pill.
 
            Jasim was part of the huge Third World mass of imprudent, thoughtless and selfish men, responsible for world overpopulation, and the knock-on problems it caused to the entire world at large.
 

 
            As early as 1945, the UN and every Western government recognised that the biggest threat to the Earth was bourgeoning overpopulation, especially in the Third World. By the early 1950’s, writers such as Huxley, were producing work that warned of the affect that out-of-control Third World overpopulation, would have on the world’s resources in general, and Western societies in particular.
 
            Later, the theme became used for disaster novels predicting the draconian consequences of Third World overpopulation. Christopher Priest’s Fugue for a Darkening Island, foretold of a time when black African’s invaded Europe and eventually colonised England, raiding the economy and the State of all its assets like locusts, in search of rich pickings to feed on, that would never be replenished. Eventually, the whole world would fall into a bedlam-like state, where no food or material goods were produced, public services would be non-existent, and the world economy would collapse. The tragedy would be just as harsh, and infinite in its far reaching affects, as a nuclear holocaust. The world would recede back into pre-historic times, where those who survived the race wars, would scavenge around like Neanderthal Man.
 
            However, the 1945 vision was not new, or even remotely surprising to successive generations of historians, who had documented world demographics and their impact on material resources and social structures, since the time of the great Renaissance. Additionally, Western economists had recognised as far back as the early 19th century, that the world’s resources were finite. Though farming food stocks could be replenished, if overpopulation outstripped production capacity, it would spell the beginning of the end of civilisation. The message became crystal clear. Like for any enterprise based on supply and demand, the planets ability to support life, did have its limits, beyond which, any increase in population numbers, was unsustainable.

If not checked, and the trend reversed, it would result in an unrestrained, runaway disaster. Just like in Priest’s vision, its effects would reduce the modern world to a perpetual combat zone, where those surviving would scrounge around for the basic necessities to sustain life, and fight to the death for control, not over land, but essential resources. 
 
           With London bursting at the seams and the south-east’s transportation systems reduced to a daily log jam, Glyn and Steve decided to look into the overpopulation issue. They discovered that no one versed in logical thinking disputed the prediction. But back in the 19th and early 20th centuries, Western politicians were more concerned about European wars and empire building, and intellectuals about the meaning of life, to treat the subject seriously. Sociology was in its infancy, and though well-equipped as a human science discipline to analyse, predict and warn the powers that be about the impending effects of world overpopulation, it quickly became corrupted by a left-wing agenda. The purity of fact, conveniently shelved, or worst of all, rashly ignored. The collectivism germ and the drive to install a worldwide socialist state, with the aim of complete control over all human thoughts and activities, was still a central plank to its purveyors in the 21st century. No national government organisation, or world authority like the UN, ever used the word, overpopulation, let alone debate it. As world population accelerated from 1billion in 1800, to 3billion in 1960, and over-doubled in just 48 years to 6.73 billion in 2008, these august bodies made noises about the need for wealth redistribution from the developed West to the Third World, a politically driven ploy to conveniently side step and ignore the central issue of dangerously out of control world overpopulation.

            In the 1960’s, Red China invoked a one-child-per-family policy in response to its own bulging and unsustainable population growth. The instrument had a profound positive effect over the next 40 years, culminating with China becoming a top 3 world economic power. If only the Chinese common sense approach had been adopted by Third World countries, particularly those in the Sub-Saharan region, then the famine effects of the late 20th century may never have happened, not that famines were a modern phenomena. Self-interested Western politicos would have the world believe that the famines in Ethiopia and Eritrea were somehow a consequence of modern worldwide economics, but in reality, famines had been sweeping across the Sahara, as they had been in some of parts of Asia, the Americas, and even Europe, for thousands of years.
 
            Turning on the aid tap, achieved little, apart from quelling Western liberal elite sensibilities and consciences. As had been pointed out to Saleh by the crew of the Poseidon, the World could be bankrupted and nothing would change in famine torn Ethiopia. The far greater and superior force of nature was at work. Mankind could never hope to equal, let alone exceed its power. Nature is a self regulating phenomenon. It monitors the Earth’s state of health, in response to Homo sapiens gross overuse of its natural resources. When nature detects that the Earth is in peril, it generates extreme weather conditions, aimed at culling the infestation gnawing at its well-being, hence Tsunamis, hurricanes, flood, and intense hot and cold temperatures resulting in the destruction of basic food stuffs, and thereby famine.
 
            The only two things which would defeat nature were a nuclear holocaust, or overpopulation exceeding critical mass, and enveloping the entire Earth. Though the cause and effect criteria were very well known at the UN, generation after generation of head-in-the-sand politicians, ignored or side-slipped the overpopulation issue, fearing any debate would lead to the inevitable racism taunts. To Glyn and Steve, it seemed they were willing to preside over the slow strangulation of the planet, but would do absolutely nothing about addressing its central cause; overpopulation.
 

 
            Like most Sub-Saharan women, Gabra had accepted her fate from an early age. She had been born into an extended family, and brought up on the Christian teachings of the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church. But unable to challenge Ethiopian men’s dominance in domestic matters, procreation in particular, she feared severe maltreatment in response to any non-compliance of the age-old code. Although her father was also Christian, the infernal heritage of child-bearing expectation saw to it that many of Gabra’s sisters and brothers died at birth, or early in infancy. 
 
            She was made of sterner stuff, and managed to survive early childhood without attack from life threatening diseases or malnutrition. For a short period in her nascent years, she found life to be tolerable. Then the suitors’ came-calling; much older men, who took their brides or common-law wives, before they had barely reached puberty. In Gabra’s unfortunate case, it was Jasim, a so-called family friend, over 20 years older then her. She knew she had no choice but to accept her fate, as did millions of Ethiopian girls of her age. Her first child had been born when she was just about into her teens. Since, Gabra had been pregnant every year for the past 22 years, many of her newborn, dead soon after birth, or within a few years.
 
            For countless women, the extreme burden of too many children coupled with husband abandonment, became too much to bear. When the missionaries started arriving, followed by multi-national aid organisations, they too abandoned their offspring, leaving them in the care of Westerners. Gabra could not do that. It went against her Christian teachings. She loved her children, and looked after them to the best of her abilities. She was a good mother.
 
            Gabra’s only driver became survival from one day to the next, though she never expected to make 40 years of age. Her surviving children; Makeda, Girma, Ayana, Dawit and Iskinder, were all malnourished. She knew at least two more of them would die before reaching adulthood. Makeda, the eldest daughter was 12, and already the subject of suitors, at least twice her age. Her mother encouraged her to take contraception precautions, knowing that as soon as marriage, or worse still, a common-law relationship happened, and Makeda didn’t get pregnant, the man in her life would beat her, and force her to stop any contraception method. Gabra thought that at least for a while, her eldest daughter would avoid child birth. However, Makeda, like her sisters, was doomed to follow in the eventual same near to sex-slave like footsteps, as that of her mother and her ancestors.
 

 
            Jasim had some distant Arab blood flowed through his veins, and often used this to differentiate himself from other Ethiopian men, on the basis that Arabs were superior to pure-bred Ethiopians. During the final months of pregnancy, usually Gabra would name the children in his expected absence, but her husband had left instructions to name the latest offspring, Saleh; an Arab name.
 
            Like for many Sub-Saharan children, Saleh survived early life by the skin of his teeth. He had been close to death on numerous occasions, principally through disease rather than malnutrition, but careful nursing by his mother, ensured his recovery and future wellbeing.
 
            Jasim returned to Gabra twice more over the next two years, each time making her pregnant. The child count rose to eight with the births of Yenee and Kassa, a number well beyond his wife’s capacity to care for them, in his continued absence.
 
            Then quite by luck, just by being in the right place at the right time, Gabra and her offspring were taken into a refugee camp in Dire Dawa, run by a Western famine relief agency. Thankfully, for a few years, Jasim was unable to find them. Not being perpetually pregnant, allowed Gabra’s health to improve and the relative security of the camp ensured her children were fed and clothed, even educated.
 
            For the fatherless family, things started to perk up. No more of Gabra’s children died. They became fit and healthy, received fundamental schooling and social grounding. Then Jasim found them again. Realising the family’s position and security could be jeopardised, Gabra refused to have any more children with him. She received a brutal beating from her vicious husband, for what he considered to be refusal of conjugal rights. When the Western aid workers were alerted by Makeda, they called in the Ethiopian authorities. Jasim was found, and jailed for his heinous act, though subsequently released within a year, on condition he would leave his wife alone. Though Gabra eventually recovered, she was bed-ridden for eight weeks, and had to be cared for by the aid workers medical team.
 
 
 
            Saleh grew up within the confines of the Dire Dawa camp, but in spite of his good fortune, he was always a difficult child. His mother and elder brothers and sisters often chastised him for ingratitude, bad manners, and a poor attitude to both his family and their benefactors. For some obscure and unfathomable reason, even from a very early age, he thought highly of his delinquent father, ignoring his obvious maltreatment of his family and leading a completely negligent life. Saleh clung to the idea that Arab blood coursed through his veins, and that differentiated him from other Ethiopians, making him a superior being. It would become the foundation of his ethos, his personal belief system, and in the end, his nemesis and downfall.
 
            Gabra and Makeda would spend hours talking to Saleh, in an attempt to identify the source of his contempt, but little was forthcoming in the way of explanation. He would grudgingly offer up excuses for his stroppy attitude, laziness and general dismissiveness of his life at the Dire Dawa camp and Tewahedo Church Christian beliefs. He remained belligerent and argumentative about all things, from his place in the family pecking order, to playing tricks on the aid-workers who maintained his feather-bedded lifestyle, because they refused to give him the special treatment he demanded.
 
            Saleh had few friends, and those who did gravitate towards him, quickly found his idea of friendship was to exploit them. His peers viewed him to be untrustworthy and unnecessarily quarrelsome. He would often get into fights when they challenged his moral code, or criticised his objectionable behaviour. Though his assailants were often bigger, Saleh never shied away, his sense of right, spurring on a physical response that was well beyond his slender physique. That action in itself impressed those who thought they had a similar kinship with him. But they found that when they befriended Saleh, he would maliciously abuse the friendship for his own selfish ends, leading to more strife.
 
            At the camp school, the aid workers said he was very bright, even clever, but unreliable, deceitful and perpetually in trouble for minor misdemeanours and stealing. He was disruptive in class, tetchy and crabby with other schoolchildren, and always on the verge of picking an argument with his teachers, for no valid reason. Gabra was warned that unless his bad behaviour stopped, Saleh would be expelled, not only from school, but also the camp. The camp authorities said there were plenty of others to take his place that would not be a perpetual pain to them. Saleh took a tongue-lashing from his mother, and made profound apologies to the aid workers, promising to improve his attitude. But the repentance became short-lived.  He returned to his anti-social ways, causing trouble and endlessly upsetting others. His teachers complained that he was arrogant, displayed disdain for virtually everything they viewed to be good and true, had little or no humility, and was extremely manipulative and conniving. Once more, he was given an ultimatum by those in charge of the camp. This time, realising they had reached their limit of tolerance, something inside Saleh told him to quit. He reasoned to himself, that there would be other opportunities to play the rogue down line.
 
            Much to Gabra’s relief, Saleh knuckled down at school. His natural cleverness set him apart from most young Ethiopians, and his ability to learn writing, reading and arithmetic fundamentals, differentiated him from the vast majority of his contemporaries. His ability to understand basic science, appreciate world geography and history, coupled with an ever developing logical mindset to solve mathematical problems, were way beyond his years. His teachers thought he had passed through his early scallywag period, and they had high hopes for his future. Even his classmates and his family saw a huge change in his personality, Saleh apparently relinquishing his natural desire to be the rascal.

            By his mid-teens, he had acquired computer skills, and was fluent in English and Arabic, as well as the Amharic language. It led to the Western aid charity giving him a job as a translator and performing office duties. For Saleh, it was easy meat, well within his academic capabilities. He accomplished all his delegated tasks with commensurate ease, and there was talk among the aid-workers, about promoting him to a more responsible position, in which he would act as a role model, and even a mentor for younger Ethiopians.
 
            Then his old habits returned. He became short with people, upsetting the fine balance between the aid workers and the refugees that an aid camp needs to flourish, and retain sustainability. His became unruly in his dealings, disorderly in his conduct, and generally disrupted the order of everyday necessities, required for the camp administration to function properly. Finally, he was caught with his hand in the till, and given his marching orders. There would be no way back for him, as far as the camp authorities were concerned. Gabra was shocked and disappointed with her son’s appalling failings. He had brought the family into disrepute, and they felt the shame that clearly Saleh refused to acknowledge for his misdeeds. In comparative Ethiopian terms, he had been given an extraordinary start in life, and had bitten the hand which fed him.
 
            His mother told him to go make his own way in the world, and not to return until he had learned the value of the good fortune he had been given. Saleh collected his belonging, stuffed them into an old and battered suitcase, and then stormed out of Dire Dawa, shouting abuse back at his family and the camp authorities.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters

2

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
O Cahan wrote 25 days ago

very well researched and delivered., a compelling read!

Seringapatam wrote 32 days ago

Clive, there are a number of reasons I wanted to read this. One of them being my mum goes every year to this gorgeous place but there are other reasons which we wont good book with a nice flow to it. I like the descriptions you feed us with so much that I felt I was actually there at one point. So well done with this book and I think if you get on here and sell it to the reader this could go far.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean .

Andrea Taylor wrote 122 days ago

This is beautifully written and described. Two points; you must decide if its a non-fiction book, or keep some objective distance. Making political comments is fine if it comes from the MC and is part of the story, but it is always wise to be understated and let the reader make their own judgments from the story. Some things are obvious and dont need to be pointed out.
Secondly, although I love the opening descriptions, which are excellent, a 'hook' is always necessary to get a reader into a story. Descriptions, no matter how well executed, dont really work. Change those two things and you are on to a winner!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

CATHERINE SHAW wrote 123 days ago

Very clever story, which I have enjoyed. Very exciting sea adventure with a contemporary feel and some strong politics :) Very vivid descriptions and strong characters. 6 stars

savannah wrote 123 days ago

Absolutely beautiful writing. Setting is so vivid I can smell the salt air, hear the traders in the market and see all the vivid colours vying for attention. You paint the picture that makes the reader want to continue to know more about the place and very intresting characters but while we are trying to get to know them - things start getting heavily political.There is a lot of information that we are trying to digest and at the same time - stay in the story.

Again very evocative writing and you have a great way of bringing the characters to life.

lil flower girl wrote 126 days ago

first book... not sure if i'm doing this right...

evermoore wrote 148 days ago

Clive...Your talent with the written word is simply amazing. This is a timely body of work...the weight of the facts in it blending perfectly with the fantasy. I was drawn in by the visuals your words painted, seeing everyone involved in the tale...as well as place. You seem to write so effortlessly, and yet I know you had to research to have so many things so factually based.

High stars and a Happy New Year to you and yours....Linda

Lenny Banks wrote 158 days ago

Hi Clive, I took a look at chapter 4, thanks for reviewing my work. This is a very interesting piece of work, it is clear a lot of work has gone into researching it or it is based on real experiences. It reads like a story, but is laced with real life experiences like the sailing of a boat and on to historical factual information about the sights around the places they visit. You have an addictive book here, I not only want to read more I want to go there and experience these experiences for myself. Good Work and Good Luck.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks -
Tide and Time: At The Rock
Take Care: On The Rock

Stark Silvercoin wrote 250 days ago

One Night in Tunisia is an adventure story with a modern, political twist. The book starts out quite interestingly with the crew of the Poseidon, a schooner loaded with British men sailing around Africa, encountering an asylum seeker who approaches them at a hotel where they are relaxing after a hard day.

The encounter ends with the mysterious Saleh running away from police, but that affects the rest of the story in tone if nothing else.

At its core, author Clive Radford has penned quite an adventure. Who wouldn’t love to sail around the world, to find oneself in distant lands? One wonders if the author took a similar adventure and is relating those experiences to the reader. It makes me want to set sail. Descriptions of the various ports of call are all well-described and quite alluring. But the book also makes a political statement. The views of the author are not too veiled. Some people with a similar viewpoint will love this, though it does risk turning some readers off. Still, as a way to express a political view, there are worse ways than showing it off behind a great tale of adventure.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Isoje David wrote 256 days ago

You capture with the paragraph of chapter one. you writing sounds well. i think this book will be better as non-fiction story. thanks/

three stars

Adam Thurstman wrote 277 days ago

This is a great read, Clive has a skilled and economical use of words, and this reads like a classic thriller from the outset. It is very enjoyable especially the airy Mediterranean feel it has mixed with mystery.

Adam De-Thurstman
Is Israel Real?

FrancesK wrote 331 days ago

chapter 1: You capture the scene visually - it's inviting us into its chaos and noise. Try not to give us too much info about each character before they act or speak - let the action tell the story, their reactions will tell us more about the kind of people they are than your phrases, which hold up the intriguing action.
Ed 'deceases'? ceases?
By the end of the first chapter, I had lost the lively sense of being in Tunis. Your long political discussion weakens what could be an exciting beginning to your story. Too many chunks of info are being thrown at us, which could be woven into your narrative more subtly, and if timed right, could pack more of a punch. As it is, we now feel we know too much
Chapter 2: I'm beginning to wonder if this book would be better as non fiction. It clearly seems based on facts, or your experience, and your ideas are being put so strongly and forcefully the bare bones of the story are hardly in evidence until the last para of this chapter. The information is difficult to take in, it is so condensed. Yet this topic is highly relevant and newsworthy. You need to decide if you are writing a political essay or a work of crafted fiction. Either way, I wish you the very best of luck with this important subject matter..

Maevesleibhin wrote 391 days ago

Clive,
I only read the first chapter.
I must really recommend that you do not start like this. It is largely a vehement discussion. Although it expresses a particular political view (and squashes the other) it comes across as very preachy in the first chapter. It will drive many readers away. You can do this later, when the reader is hooked. But if you do it now, you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, I recommend that you focus on ambiance and hook. You have good characters, intreaguing, well described ambiance, and a compelling hook. Plus you write well. The police looking for the man, whose involvement with an extremist group is suspected, is fine. It is the dialogue that really makes it hard to swallow. Again, if you bring this in 20 or 50 pages later, then the reader will be more lenient. But I suggest you hook good and hard first.
That, at least, is my opinion.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Software wrote 398 days ago

Hi Clive,. Thanks for uploading this. It’s an interesting idea, with well developed characters, and the writing shines out. After so much is thrown into chapter one and the contentious character Saleh, chapter two could only be an anti-climax. However, it certainly isn’t.

Good luck with this - Ian



Hello Ian,

Many thanks for your review.

Regards,

Clive

whoster wrote 399 days ago

Clive,

There's a lot to be said for the first chapter, and you paint what appears to be an authentic picture of Tunisia. Some nice descriptive touches, especially in the opening few paragraphs. One thing that made the read a little tough were the excessive use of commas, which for me broke the flow and rhythm. A couple of examples are "My seven comrades(,)glance at the cloudless night sky" and "we follow his eyes(,) as he glances back at the terrace steps."

From my perspective, I found the staccato feel of the read a little disconcerting, which in turn made it hard for me follow the story. I think if you ironed out some of these commas (and a few semi-colons), you'd help the read to flow a lot more.

I'm sorry if this sounds a little critical - I'm hardly an expert, but from my point of view, I'd like to see the writing flow a little more.

Best wishes,
Pete

iandsmith wrote 399 days ago

Hi Clive,. Thanks for uploading this. It’s an interesting idea, with well developed characters, and the writing shines out. After so much is thrown into chapter one and the contentious character Saleh, chapter two could only be an anti-climax. However, it certainly isn’t.

Good luck with this - Ian

katemb wrote 428 days ago

This is an interesting premise and subject matter. I liked the opening set up of the group being approached by Saleh and trying to work out his angle. You set up an atmospheric description of Tunis.

Some thoughts.
The pitch is a bit repetitive for me, saying 'set against the Blair/Brown years' twice, seems unnecessary. I want to be drawn in more by the drama.
The opening description has great tone and word choices but for me the grammar was a little testing. There are lots of commas and I didn't think they were all necessary.
Also, your narrator is inclined to tell us about, rather than show us, his friends: 'Steve, open as ever, never prone to pre-judgement...' is an example.
For me, this might be more effective if there were less of the Poseidon team being introduced at once. Perhaps Saleh could meet with just one or two so the reader doesn't have so many names and personalities to try and grasp all at once. Just a thought.

Best,
Kate
The Licenser

Nathan O'Hagan wrote 432 days ago

two chapters read. This is not the typpe of thing i would normally read. Initially, this had the fee of a big, globe-trotting thriller, in the Fleming/Ludlum idium. The setting and contect is an interesting one that will draw in fans of the genre. The cvharacters are well drawn, and it quickly had the feel of one of those franchise type novels, the beginning of a series rather than just a stand alone novel. However, i felt the first paragraph was a bit over-long, and perhaps could have got into the meat of the stoy a little quicker. Also, i felt you over punctuate at times, adding commas in the middle of sentences where they felt superfluous to me.
The mention of the Blair/brown years is intriguing and it would be interesting to see how you worrk these themes into the story. Highly starred.

jlsimpson wrote 444 days ago

You have chosen a delicate topic as the baseline for your story. Good for you.
You talk about Africa as though you know it personally, and the ship's crew as though they are old friends. You are obviously well versed in the political situations discussed in the book, and the ease with which you put the information into dialogue form proves that this is subject matter you know inside and out.
There are two voices here.
The first voice is narrative. You are telling the reader what is happening the whole time as though you are relating a memory that happened a while ago. This can work in flashbacks, but I've never read an entire novel written in the past tense unless it was in flashback form.
The second voice is of the characters in dialogue which feels much more natural.
I never say this, but I think it will make a huge difference in the first chapter...go back and take out most of your commas and semi colons. It will keep actions from being separated from the subjects.
For instance you wouldn't say
"The African, jumped into the water, splashing the small children, with his cannonball"
because the comma between African and jumped puts an unnatural break between the subject and the adjective. Let him complete his action. Nor would you put a comma between the words children and with.
"The African jumped into the water, splashing the small children with his cannonball"
This comes from me, the worlds run-on sentence queen and lover of commas. Shorter descriptive sentences are more effective when reading than seeing six commas in the wrong place.

Otherwise, very interesting. Initially in the story you are taking on a topic that is bound to offend the kind of people who don't want to think about the reality of our world's current situation, or acknowledge potentially combative differences in cultures and religions, but you back yourself up with history rather than emotion.
I'd like to hear more about the Poseidon and her crew and why she's in Africa early on in the story. I love the way you describe the city and it's lazy warm feelings and exotic scents.
You have a good way with words and I look forward to reading more.

Software wrote 456 days ago

I read up through chapter two and so far I think you have a great story. Your dialogue is natural, and you have some fantastic imagery woven in just the right places. You have a smooth flowing style that makes it an easy read. This is a well written book and I’m surprised it’s not sitting on more shelves. Thanks for the read. I will give this one high stars for sure.



Hello CGHarris,

Many thanks for your kind words and positive assessment. It is alwasy gratifying to hear that someone has found pleasure in my work.

All the best,

Clive

CGHarris wrote 457 days ago

I read up through chapter two and so far I think you have a great story. Your dialogue is natural, and you have some fantastic imagery woven in just the right places. You have a smooth flowing style that makes it an easy read. This is a well written book and I’m surprised it’s not sitting on more shelves. Thanks for the read. I will give this one high stars for sure.

ClaireLyman wrote 466 days ago

Anything that starts "set against the Blair/Brown years" is going ot draw me right in, though I wouldn't naturally be drawn to a North African themed novel usually.
You do a good job of setting the scene in those first few paragraphs, but I wonder if action should come sooner. A lot of readers skim this stuff to get to the story so I think it's better to keep description to a minimum at the start. In fact, you could start with the appearance of the man -draw us right into their world rather than introducing us to it gradually, pick up details of names etc on the fly.
You have a few punctuation issues and some stray apostrophes but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
Would be interested to see the link between Blair/Brown and the story... That could be a really interesting point to explore.

AuroraNemesis wrote 471 days ago

A great read, with a strong and interesting story.
I think the story is the most important part of the book.
This shows you are a natural storyteller.
Your language is good and the story flows.
Enjoyed what I read and will recommend to others.
Well done

AndrewStevens wrote 479 days ago

Read and rated.

Software wrote 488 days ago

fascinating piece, original and interesting setting, and cultures...you write it well with a brilliant combination of narrative and dialogue...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...



Dear Su,

Many thanks for backing and commenting on One Night in Tunisia. Glad the read gave you some pleasure.

All the best,

Clive

Su Dan wrote 489 days ago

fascinating piece, original and interesting setting, and cultures...you write it well with a brilliant combination of narrative and dialogue...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

twinbabyboys wrote 613 days ago

"The days commerce" should be the day's commerce, shouldn't it?

Dr Ajay Kansal wrote 630 days ago

Hi
Your story is well researched; its a great premise as well. Its characters and storyline is portrayed well. I like your sentence:
"Religion is fine if it's set in context and used to add richness to life without consuming everything around it." You may change everything to anything.

David Garland wrote 639 days ago

I've read the first chapter which is a mix of clever and mediocre. Too many pseudo phrases, such as, "Vino veritas, orange juice veritas"-- what is that supposed to mean?. Little or no capitalisation at the commencement of dialogue. "Brownie black eyes" is strange terminology. Repetitive phrases, such as "Lips trying to find moisture" This is what I mean by a mix of clever and mediocre.

The story is interesting but laboured. It needs some serious editing if the first chapter is representative of the whole. David

Software wrote 654 days ago

My favorite aspect of this was the setting. It's one of the most unique I've read, even outside of authonomy, and I was fascinated by the various cultural references. It added a nice element of intrigue.

Your writing style is outstanding. It flows smoothly with active sentences that drag your reader along. You have almost a conversationalist style that works well here. You're definitely talented.

I love how the tension gradually increased the longer Saleh stands before them. Sentence by sentence, the rising conflict took hold of my interest. And when it culminated in the end, I was officially hooked.

Along with the setting, I find the premise intriguing. In my opinion, this is a very creative story.

Suggestions: There were a few instances of telling in your opening that I felt would have been stronger had you shown this information instead. Watch out for "was" and "were" as these tend to be the most obvious signs of telling. You have a tendency to overwrite at times. For example, I'd cut "seeking moisture" from "he licked his lips..." It's unnecessary. The characters are a bit difficult to keep straight early on. I'd consider providing a bit more characterization or cutting those who aren't entirely necessary.

Typos: Should be: "day's commerce." Make sure you capitalize the first letter in dialogue. The use of the semi-colon in "He was in his early..." is incorrect. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be: "granite-like" since it's two words serving as one adjective. Same with "broad-mindedness." Also "non-Muslims." Should be: Jeff leaned forward. "We are not interested..." since his action has nothing to do with his speech. Should be "leaning over Saleh." There were a few other minor mistakes, but noting that kept me from enjoying the story. A careful edit will resolve most of your issues.

This is an excellent start. The writing is solid and the premise is one of the most unique I've come across on authonomy. Well done!



Dear Joshua,

Many thanks for your positive assessment of One Night in Tunisia. It is very gratifying when a reader truly finds something that excites and hooks. I really appreciate your enthusiasm.

Kind regards,

Clive

Joshua Jacobs wrote 654 days ago

My favorite aspect of this was the setting. It's one of the most unique I've read, even outside of authonomy, and I was fascinated by the various cultural references. It added a nice element of intrigue.

Your writing style is outstanding. It flows smoothly with active sentences that drag your reader along. You have almost a conversationalist style that works well here. You're definitely talented.

I love how the tension gradually increased the longer Saleh stands before them. Sentence by sentence, the rising conflict took hold of my interest. And when it culminated in the end, I was officially hooked.

Along with the setting, I find the premise intriguing. In my opinion, this is a very creative story.

Suggestions: There were a few instances of telling in your opening that I felt would have been stronger had you shown this information instead. Watch out for "was" and "were" as these tend to be the most obvious signs of telling. You have a tendency to overwrite at times. For example, I'd cut "seeking moisture" from "he licked his lips..." It's unnecessary. The characters are a bit difficult to keep straight early on. I'd consider providing a bit more characterization or cutting those who aren't entirely necessary.

Typos: Should be: "day's commerce." Make sure you capitalize the first letter in dialogue. The use of the semi-colon in "He was in his early..." is incorrect. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be: "granite-like" since it's two words serving as one adjective. Same with "broad-mindedness." Also "non-Muslims." Should be: Jeff leaned forward. "We are not interested..." since his action has nothing to do with his speech. Should be "leaning over Saleh." There were a few other minor mistakes, but noting that kept me from enjoying the story. A careful edit will resolve most of your issues.

This is an excellent start. The writing is solid and the premise is one of the most unique I've come across on authonomy. Well done!

mrsdfwt wrote 662 days ago

Clive,
Good writing and great characters. I find it hard to comment on this sort of story, but i've got to give you credit for the obvious research you did to accomplish One Night in Tunisia. I do like the idea of Key West and agree that the lifestyle there is relaxed and happy, and at least for part of the year, the idyllic place to live. :).
My favourite phrase:
"Religion is fine if it's set in context and used to add richness to life without consuming everything around it." Love it!
High rated and placed in line for the desk.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Dwayne Kavanagh wrote 671 days ago

Hey Clive, as requested, I read the first chapter (that's all I have time for right now, but I will come back to it).

I liked that you immediately drop us down in the midsts of action and keep us there all through the first chapter. I liked that you ended the chapter with good tension and a suspense hook. The names standout and are refreshing and I really like Saleh as a character. You know what you're doing when it comes to narrating a story...I really enjoyed what I've read so far.

Cheers,
Dwayne

mvw888 wrote 777 days ago

From the pitch, this strikes me as a commercial premise. I agree with other reviewers that you do a great job with setting the scene, which I think is an important element to having a story with international intrique. I also think that your pacing is good in terms of narrative and dialogue and your dialogue is well done. I had a hard time overlooking the many punctuation errors and at times, grammatical problems. I know some don't like to discuss that "stuff," but to me...a book cannot be taken seriously unless these elements are in order. My advice to you would be to pull back and undertake a serious edit. Employ a line editor if need be and get it in tip top shape, because you do have the makings of a good story and many talents on display here.

---Mary

Software wrote 778 days ago

This tackles some very controversial topics head-on; this requires courage. Saleh's grievances and the westerner's rebuttals did not sit 100% easily with me, but this was a fine way to draw the reader into your tale. It's a little too talky to begin with, but we are quickly into the action at the end, as dumbfounded as your western characters. Where this will go, and the philosophical journey your characters will make as they confront Saleh's life - for good or illl - fascinates me.

P



Hello Pat,

Glad you found the first chapter fascinating. Please read on to find out what happens next to both Poseidon's crew and Saleh.

Best regards,

Clive

Pat Black wrote 778 days ago

This tackles some very controversial topics head-on; this requires courage. Saleh's grievances and the westerner's rebuttals did not sit 100% easily with me, but this was a fine way to draw the reader into your tale. It's a little too talky to begin with, but we are quickly into the action at the end, as dumbfounded as your western characters. Where this will go, and the philosophical journey your characters will make as they confront Saleh's life - for good or illl - fascinates me.

P

George Sinclair wrote 799 days ago

Hi Clive

Here are my comments.

General comments : -
1. An interesting story.
2. I like you’re your ability as a wordsmith, and your use of similes.
3. There is too much use of the verb “to be”. “I was, we were, etc.” should be minimised, as they introduce passive text. (Do a search and you’ll see what I mean.)
4. You need to physically describe the main characters initially, then feed in more description of them as the story progresses.
5. There are some commas missing.
6. When there is text prior to dialogue, the start of the dialogue should be capitalised.
7. It sounds like the real story starts at chapter 3. I would seriously consider deleting chapters 1 and 2, and feeding some of their details in later. (See point 8 in Ch 1 below also.)

Some detailed critical comments : -
Ch 1
1. Instead of using “…was feeling relaxed…” try using “…felt relaxed…”
2. There is too much initial description of the Muslim in his twenties. Suggest feeding some of it in later.
3. The paragraph starting “When Carolyn and I…” and the next 4 paragraphs are a major distraction from the story. The first chapter should only be about the main story. Although a much shortened version of this (a couple of sentences) might be OK.
4. Further on, we are getting too much of a history lesson on the Crusades, and there is not enough dialogue. I suggest that you reduce the history and intersperse it with dialogue. That way you are then “showing” and not “telling”. Perhaps more of the history, if it is really needed, can be fed in later.
5. Your point about the Muslims being defeated in all 5 Crusades is not correct. The 3rd and 5th crusades in particular, as they were won by the Muslims.
6. Further on, you tell us too much about immigration problems – cut most of it, and feed in later if necessary.
7. Even further on you tell us about life in the Western world – cut most of it, and feed in later if necessary.
8. There is far too much “telling”. You really need to concentrate on the story, particularly in the first few chapters. I believe that if you cut out most of the telling and intersperse it with dialogue, the story will stand out. Just now the story is hidden in the depths of “telling” us lots of other things that are only indirectly connected to the story.
Ch 2
1. This is “telling” us another history lesson – don’t see any story.

Hope this helps.
Best regards
George

SusieGulick wrote 801 days ago

I got so excited, Clive, when I saw that you had backed my "Bible Verse Songs." :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

A. Zoomer wrote 803 days ago

One Night in Tunisia
This is a great read. The characters have heart and soul, the story sings and the writing flows.
Check this book out.
A Zoomer

Software wrote 811 days ago

Me again. Just one last comment. The book title. Now I have to admit that I have not read the entire book so perhaps I am incorrect. Surely the story occuirs in more than just one night.



I refer you to the previous comment in response.

Software wrote 811 days ago

Firstly let me say that I do not do technical critigues. Number one, I do not feel qualified; and 2 I'm not too bothered about teh grammar being 100% correct. Having said taht I can't make my mind up about this story. Someone else has said that by trimming it it copuld make a good short story. That could be true. But I also think that by putting in more background, more description, more intrique, more tension, whatever, it could be a good full length novel. For example a bit more information about teh eight men would be useful. why are they in the area. How does Saleh know of them. Did he see them in a cafe perhaps. Has he been following them, maybe.
Conversely there are sections where there is too much detail, the story slows down. I think a balance needs to be struck. It has all of the ingredients of a good story. It just needs a bit of work, I think. These comments are just my opinion, and you should just ignore them if necessary.



Hello Tom/John,

There is only so much an opening chapter can contain without bursting out into the entire novel. Answers to the questions you have raised are in the following chapters. It's all there. Everything is revealed including where Saleh picked up the Poseidon crew. Ask Colonel Nassar, he know's.

All the best,

Clive

Tom Kendall wrote 811 days ago

Me again. Just one last comment. The book title. Now I have to admit that I have not read the entire book so perhaps I am incorrect. Surely the story occuirs in more than just one night.

Tom Kendall wrote 811 days ago

Firstly let me say that I do not do technical critigues. Number one, I do not feel qualified; and 2 I'm not too bothered about teh grammar being 100% correct. Having said taht I can't make my mind up about this story. Someone else has said that by trimming it it copuld make a good short story. That could be true. But I also think that by putting in more background, more description, more intrique, more tension, whatever, it could be a good full length novel. For example a bit more information about teh eight men would be useful. why are they in the area. How does Saleh know of them. Did he see them in a cafe perhaps. Has he been following them, maybe.
Conversely there are sections where there is too much detail, the story slows down. I think a balance needs to be struck. It has all of the ingredients of a good story. It just needs a bit of work, I think. These comments are just my opinion, and you should just ignore them if necessary.

Software wrote 812 days ago

Hi, What a great story, and what a good time to be telling it! Refugees, North Africa!! You couldn't be more relevant! I wish all the best with it.
Star rated
Ruthx



Hello Ruth,

Many thanks for your kind remarks. Glad you enjoyed what you read. Yes you are quite right regarding its relevance to what is happening currently in North Africa. I bit the bullet and made some unsolicited approaches to literary agents with the below email. Got some bites!

Best regards,

Clive

Current North African crisis foretold in new novel - will sell like hot cakes!
From:
Clive Radford
Add to Contacts
To:

One Night in Tunisia 28th Feb 2011(Word 97-2003 doc) V.1.doc (525KB)

FAO: < >


Dear < >,

Re: One Night in Tunisia

Forgive this unsolicited approach but in view of events happening in North Africa right now, this novel will sell like hot cakes.

It foretells events which we are now seeing 'live' on our TV screens.

< > could steal a march on competitors and have a book out on the market which will be scooped up by people curious to understand the North African crisis in the context of a novel.

Over twenty novels were resultant from 9/11. All were successful. Most went on to be best sellers. The current North African affair is building up into a similar watershed event. Publishers must be wetting their appetites in anticipation.

I don't usually get this forward but I beg, beseech and implore you to take a look at this work. It's a golden opportunity, just too good to miss.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Clive Radford

Synopsis

Eight Englishmen on sojourn, voyage around the Med on Poseidon, a fast schooner. Set against the impact of the Blair/Brown years, the crew find solace and experience seminal life in North African ports.

Tunis brings an unexpected encounter with Saleh, an Ethiopian asylum seeker and Colonel Nassar, Chief of Police. It sharpens the focus of what’s happening back in Blighty.

Off Sicily, Poseidon witnesses an asylum seeker sea rescue by the coast guard. Some have drowned. Poseidon’s crew wonder if Saleh is on board or whether he is shaking hands with Neptune. They also ponder if they are also crossing over to the dark side with Priest’s dystopia vision just around the corner.

cv

I first began writing poetry and short stories at school, then university but mainly through subsequent life experience. My poetry has been published in poetry magazines and more recently in six book compilations by United Press. My ambition is have a volume of poetry, short stories and novels published.

One Night in Tunisia will appeal to those fascinated by intrigue but I want to get its broader message out into a wider audience. This ambition will only be achieved through the support of an agent looking for a work which has unique selling points and sets itself apart. One Night in Tunisia satisfies both these key differentiators giving me a distinctive voice.





Ruth Hannah wrote 813 days ago

Hi, What a great story, and what a good time to be telling it! Refugees, North Africa!! You couldn't be more relevant! I wish all the best with it.
Star rated
Ruthx

fh wrote 813 days ago

ONE NIGHT IN TUNISIA
I remember commenting on this book when it was under a different title, I wonder if you've changed the content much as well?
Your pitch is intriguing and the start in chapter 1 gets off well with much to think about. The tension begins to build as Saleh explains more about what he is after. Your pacing is pretty good so far.
Chapter 1
A few grammar mistakes -, 'ok' Should be a capital before the mark and OK should be in caps.
age - should be aged
I would have liked to see more use of commas. Some of your sentences are quite long. Try reading them out loud - you need a breath sometimes!
'Well'. I think this should be a question 'Well?'
Numbers written 23 - should be twenty three years old. Spell numbers before one hundred. More examples of this later on in the MS

These grammar mistakes are all simple ones to overcome - I too make lots of mistakes, and it is a devil sometimes finding them when you've been over the text dozens of times. I think you need to spend some more time in doing this.
One thing bothered me; you reminiscences. I often felt that I wanted to get on with the story proper eg the family from New York who sold up and went to live in Key West - interesting but not valid at this point.
I also felt that your political parts were a bit like a lecture.

This has improved since I last commented on your work however. Again I love the exotic setting and the story theme and plot is well thought out. I have given you a good handful of stars and good luck with it.
Faith
THE CROSSING


fh wrote 813 days ago

ONE NIGHT IN TUNISIA
I remember commenting on this book when it was under a different title, I wonder if you've changed the content much as well?
Your pitch is intriguing and the start in chapter 1 gets off well with much to think about. The tension begins to build as Saleh explains more about what he is after. Your pacing is pretty good so far.
Chapter 1
A few grammar mistakes -, 'ok' Should be a capital before the mark and OK should be in caps.
age - should be aged
I would have liked to see more use of commas. Some of your sentences are quite long. Try reading them out loud - you need a breath sometimes!
'Well'. I think this should be a question 'Well?'
Numbers written 23 - should be twenty three years old. Spell numbers before one hundred. More examples of this later on in the MS

These grammar mistakes are all simple ones to overcome - I too make lots of mistakes, and it is a devil sometimes finding them when you've been over the text dozens of times. I think you need to spend some more time in doing this.
One thing bothered me; you reminiscences. I often felt that I wanted to get on with the story proper eg the family from New York who sold up and went to live in Key West - interesting but not valid at this point.
I also felt that your political parts were a bit like a lecture.

This has improved since I last commented on your work however. Again I love the exotic setting and the story theme and plot is well thought out. I have given you a good handful of stars and good luck with it.
Faith
THE CROSSING


Software wrote 818 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: Thought-provoking start. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Steve who was nearest to him looked around us and answered, 'Yes'. Period goes inside the closing quote mark.
2) 'I want to ask you if ......... When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with nine dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of using too many dots for ellipses.
3) 'You were saying', said Jeff. Punctuation goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases of dialogue punctuation being outside the quote marks.
4) He showed us a thick roll of Tunisian dinar, 'You have a boat, yes?' Period after 'dinar.' The sentence is ordinary narrative and should be punctuated like any narrative sentence. There are more cases of narrative sentences being punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.
5) 'Sir, is this man bothering you? Put a closing quote mark at the end of this dialogue.
6) 'Yes, what would you like' asked David. Comma after 'like.'
7) 'When he was 23 years old ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should be spelling out numbers.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'
9) ' ... for a new life in Key West was the smarted decision he had ever made.' 'Smarted' should be 'smartest.'
10) 'WHY?' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words.
11) ' ... his head tilted down naval gazing.' 'Naval' should be 'navel.'
12) ' ... and yet your intension is to claim you are a persecuted asylum seeker.' said Jeff. Comma after 'seeker.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" ready for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you please read a chapter or two and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Al




Many thanks Al for your fine scrutiny. Much appreciated.

Best regards,

Clive

CarolinaAl wrote 820 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: Thought-provoking start. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Steve who was nearest to him looked around us and answered, 'Yes'. Period goes inside the closing quote mark.
2) 'I want to ask you if ......... When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with nine dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of using too many dots for ellipses.
3) 'You were saying', said Jeff. Punctuation goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases of dialogue punctuation being outside the quote marks.
4) He showed us a thick roll of Tunisian dinar, 'You have a boat, yes?' Period after 'dinar.' The sentence is ordinary narrative and should be punctuated like any narrative sentence. There are more cases of narrative sentences being punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.
5) 'Sir, is this man bothering you? Put a closing quote mark at the end of this dialogue.
6) 'Yes, what would you like' asked David. Comma after 'like.'
7) 'When he was 23 years old ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should be spelling out numbers.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'
9) ' ... for a new life in Key West was the smarted decision he had ever made.' 'Smarted' should be 'smartest.'
10) 'WHY?' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words.
11) ' ... his head tilted down naval gazing.' 'Naval' should be 'navel.'
12) ' ... and yet your intension is to claim you are a persecuted asylum seeker.' said Jeff. Comma after 'seeker.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" ready for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you please read a chapter or two and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Al

Veronica Dauber wrote 822 days ago

Hi Clive,
I've read the first chapter of your book and I think you have a good insight to the underlying facts that surround your story. You have interesting characters and great dialogue - although dialogue is normally enclosed with double quotes, not single. Best of success in your book.
...ronnie dauber (author of Web Secrets)

123