Fleet

Awesome prolouge that is spellbounding. Tarrant

FLEET: How fun to have a really flawed heroine! I love how the first thing Fleet does when she wakes is hit Tyrade. Very unexpected. I wasn't sure about the pause to describe Fleet in chapter one. I think your story and writing warrant things like that to be weaved in. I also think with some tightening, this will be excellent! Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Prologue and Chapter 1 Critique:
I offer this because I truly am interested in your story. Please remember, these are my opinions and I am only one person who holds these opinions! I offer this out of my support for your book and desire to see it do well!

Love your prologue…absolutely positively love it!

I also love how you start off Chapter 1.

The narrator seems "odd" with a good sense of humor…not sure if the narrator is even another human being…very interesting indeed!

A few critiques for you:

Overall this has excellent promise, but definitely needs tightening (Don’t worry we all end up having to do that…I’ve “tightened” my first chapter five times and still don't know if it's where it needs ot be LOL)

Something I KNOW I am tremendously guilty of…less telling and more showing…for example:
She shifted her weight and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the clinging dust in her throat that was aggravating her thirst. Her hands and limbs were bloody and dripping liquid was falling onto the wooden planks.

1) GREAT job of describing…but I’ve found readers are more interested in hearing how “thirsty” the character is from the character, not from the narrator.

2) The reader knows blood is liquid, why bother telling them? Instead, something like “Blood dribbled down…same imagery, but it allows the reader’s mind to interpret as it likes to from your “showing”

Also, the use of the word "is" can be another sign of too much telling. “While Fleet IS just sitting there…” Next sentence--The girl in question IS seventeen, turning eighteen in a few months, she has hair which IS dark blond, but currently…” and then the next sentence. “She IS dressed…” Next sentence, “Her eyes ARE grey.
Second sentence, first paragraph of chapter 1…“No matter, both [words] were apt.”

Well, I'm sure you get the point!

A few grammatical errors:

Typo, second paragraph of the first chapter: Fleet scratched a crude sumbol ____ the crate…

In the second paragraph You need a comma after but as things were [add comma]

The second to last sentence in the last paragraph, shouldn’t you say “…but that was a risk [she] took, not you?

Typo: A rat stole over Fleet’s bloodstained palm and instinctively she grabbed it. She could feel its heart beating at impossible speed beneath [add the word THE] matted fur.

Also, you need to decide how you are going to narrate the story, if you want the narrator speaking in first person, then that’s how he should describe Fleet. For example, in the third paragraph of chapter one, you say:

The girl in question is seventeen, turning eighteen in a few months.

Previously the narrator was speaking as if he/she/it was talking casually and then all of the sudden it’s “the girl in question.” If it is your goal to stay in this casual mode, then perhaps something like,”Fleet is not like any other girl, other than the fact that…and then point out how different she is? I dunno, just my thought/opinion...

I LOVE the second to last paragraph to pieces! Great lines!

My final thought is the narrator is expressing what she could be expressing for herself, again too much telling. I’d rather hear all of this from her somehow!

If you would like me to continue critiquing the next chapter, please let me know. I'd be happy to :)

-Jack

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Fleet. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of days and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Fleet - Fleet is an intriguing character. What/who is she running away from? Why is she covered in suppurating wounds? Where has she come from and where is she going? These are all hooks to draw the reader along. The work is in need of editing and polishing (one example of many picked up - her face is angler - angular) but there are some gems of sentences here, for example: 'Words spoken in a voice cracked by age but no means broken.' Also Tyrade's struggle in the black waters of the Farmian Ocean are realistic. The author does not let the reader know who is narrating the story or what investment they have in it so it might be an idea to let this into the book sooner rather than later. I cannot say how the story progresses but having read the prologue and a few chapters if the quality of writing is sustained this book has the potential to do very well.
The author has the tone and voice young adults will appreciate and to my mind would also appeal to an older age group.

Child - Aramentus Speaks

Dear Victoria, I love how Fleet showed them up in chapter 6, even though she had never held a sword before :) - I smiled ear to ear. :) Wonderful :) - females reign!! :) Your pitch prepared me that Fleet had an attitude & I love it. :) Gusto, for sure!! :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs made for a wonderful read. :) I've read, backed, & commented on your book :) - could you please just take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) - I'm 19 from the editor's desk & every backing move my book closer. :) Love, Susie :)

"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved," quote from authonomy. :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 12 years ago :)