The Butterfly and the Wheel

Your writing is great and so engaging. It would be difficult to believe that one wouldnt become hooked in this book. You display some intelligent writing to say the least and it looks to me that you have found your niche genre and this is where you will do well. Great story, brilliant pace to it and superb narrative. So well done and I will see where this goes.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Hi, happy to hear that the Holy Drinker is now published. I think this one is even better. I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far - got as far as him joining up with Lenin.
Turgenovsky is a nicely Flashmanlike hero. I liked the way he was introduced in the first chapter. He sounded delightful until his attitude to young girls became obvious. His thoughts about his sister are pretty horrific too and his readiness to sacrifice everyone else for his own ends.
It's a fast paced read and the details are very convincing - even introducing the great names of the Russian Revolution seemed quite natural and I think I'm going to learn a fair bit about the period.
One small edit. In the part where he thinks he's going to be in the rough area of the train and the other man is offering to protect him, it should be 'The guards couldn't care less' I think.
I will definitely buy this if you let me know when it's up on Amazon.

Lovely, intellingent writing and a really intriguing story line. Your writing really captures the feel of the country and is visual and cinematic. I could see the scenes open out before me, in black and white, as I read. I will save this to my bookshelf to read more soon.

I like the way you have taken the end of the story and then taken it back to the beginning so we are keen to see how the character gets there. Early days as I have only read a few chapters but good first impression.

Would have liked to see more of the 'inner workings' of Turgenovsky's thoughts and character in the opening to compel me to continue but this is a small point.

I will read on as time allows! Best of luck, Kit Fox

I have only started to read, and must say that I am somewhat impressed with the premise and your writing style. Good work.

Your writing impressed me. I am a huge fan of dystopian literature, and your novel is a prime example of this genre. 6 stars from me.

This is very well written. I didn't notice any errors and think little if any editing needs to be done. There was a good flow and your writing was engaging. You tell a story very well. I only read a few chapters but I couldn't understand why you decided to make the final days the first chapter. I would think that it would read better if you told the story from the beginning.

Great start. Six stars from me.

Abby

My one and only criticism is one you share with Tolstoy, and that is it takes me a few chapters to properly familiarise with Russian names (I expected Denisov to mispronounce his 'r's.

Your writing is excellent though, original similes and the conversations first rate, Turgenovsky speaks like a classical writer would, his comment about critics etc. Overall a great piece of work.

Maria

I would love to have a copy of this book to set next to my Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky--it's that good.
JBCampbell

This is very good work. I liked it very much. I am partial to your style and will be keeping an eye out for more from you. Good work here, highly rated.
Arne Lash
Pimps, Beggars, and Bones.

BUTTERFLY & THE WHEEL
This is an interesting story. Turgenovsky is a good character; rich and famous he may be, but he has a dark under side which makes him a character a reader wants to follow. Poor Bazdeyev; looks like even though he’s trying hard to get a personal moment with Turgenovsky, it’s not going to happen; not when Turgenovsky is so much interested in Nina. An important strength in your writing is your ability to describe settings. You give just enough information a read knows what things look like; not so much you bog down your story. Depicts the Russian background well. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hello, I've read up to Lenin's declaration of the revolution now and congratulations on a very readable story so far.

I find some things frustrating though; Ivan Turgenovsky is a difficult to read character, I find him more of a don Quixoite than a Raskelnikoff, I'm not sure which you are going for.

I know I'm not supposed to like him but he's a real pain in the backside!

I'd like to know your aim in writing this; if it's just to be historical then great, you tick all the boxes with your excellently well researched incidents into which Ivan stumbles.

If on the other hand your intention is to be more literary than simply plot driven then I think it may be worth investing more time developing likable qualities in your main character; not to say that he can't wee himself and lie, but as long as he has something deeper going on we will forgive him.

For instance when he was on the ordinary prisoner cattle class, I thought to myself, "great he's going to go on a 'Resurrection' style journey and we'll fall in love with him and feel invested."

However the sister comes to the rescue and he avoids having to do any of the penitence, that his sister aptly suggests, when he bumbles into Trotsky and escapes.

If your aim is to create a Flashman or a don Quioxite, then you've got the structure but I'd probably like a little humour to go with it.

But saying that you could easily replace Ivan with a deep and lovable creation and make more of an emotional impact.

I felt that your name choices indicate that you're a fan of Russian fiction, (Volonsky, Denisov etc,) and your discussion of what Ivan reads, but your narrative voice has a light hearted flow which is nice to read but doesn't have the deep gravitas of the big Russian novelists.

Try for instance writing in a Tolstoy-esque long sentence into the occasional paragraph, or look at how Turgenev structures his sentences; I think that things like this will give you greater authenticity.


I truely admire this work, especially in terms of the historical detail and lavish attention to structure that you've put in.

I am also aware that I have not read anywhere near enough to assert the worth of much of what I've said, I just hope that it can be of some use to you!

I certainly hope that you take my comments positively, because they are meant in that way.

This is a story that I wish to keep reading, congratulations on an accomplished piece of writing which is truely individual!

Sincerely and with regards

Kit

This is fantastic and should be in print!!!!
I wasn't sure how I'd like a historical, Russian tale, but you have created something wonderful. I keep having to tell myself it's fiction as you have made it all sound so real.
Your writing flows with ease and you captured my attention so easily.
Very good luck with this! Top stars!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Hi
I'm so pleased to stumble across this book. And I should thank you in advance for your lovely comments about my own book - I feel so much more humbled now that I have seen the quality of your writing!

Firstly, let me just say that your book really appeals to my own interests. I love the classic Russian writers (I studied Russian literature at uni) and that period in Russia's history is so interesting. I have also travelled to Russia a couple of times. Have you been there yourself? Your descriptions are so vivid and everything about your work is so well-researched.

I like that you start the novel when there is some action going on, as it gets the reader interested straight away. You set the scene well and much about Ivan's character comes out in the first chapter through what he says and does, without it being boring exposition. And I also believed in your dialogue - which is such an important thing for me. And I think you have really tried to capture how they would speak back in the day...

But the moment I knew I was reading something truly brilliant was when Dunya was introduced. This reveals so much about the type of person Ivan is and I can tell that he is going to be one of those classic characters that readers struggle with, that do things that they hate, but perhaps they can't help liking him anyway.

We just got an ipad today - which is making reading vast amounts of text online far easier. So I look forward to reading more of your book soon!

Love your opening lines. Usually I like to see dialogue in the opening lines, but this works very well indeed. You capture the atmosphere right from the start making me feel as though I'm in Russia, living the moment. Your work is first class and flows extremely well. Certainly a book with a difference. Well done.

Ruth 2904
To Dream Again

This is how I would edit the last line of your first paragraph. Nuanced changes, but you may see what I mean.

"... In a belted, blood-red tunic, with long grey hair flowing past his shoulders, he alighted in a flourish, belying his seventy-three years."

Regards,
RianTorr
New London Masquerade

Hi,

This is very well written and researched. I can tell tremendous time and effort has gone into this. I only wish I had more time to read the entire MS (I'll slowly make my way there - as I'm doing with other books).

The pace flowed well. Not too fast, not too slow. The dialogue touches upon the melodrama that Dostoyevsky applies to the majority of his characters in The Brothers Karamazov.

Starred and remaining on my watchlist til I read more!

Cheers,
Adam

I love historical pieces so this was a delight. I know very little about the period in Russia and so enjoy the detail, in fact I would not have minded a bit more historical background from time to time (as long as it doesn’t drag on the plot - a difficult balance). I thought the pace of the book was about right and the glimpse into the seedy side of the MC given in the opening chapter added momentum. The MS is very clean of errors but there were a couple of instances where the dialogue seemed a little forced (e.g. opening conversation with Trotsky) although it did give a “Russian” feel and perhaps that is more important.

These are just a couple of points I jotted down as I read so feel free to use or ignore :-)
- First paragraph of Chap 2 could benefit from turning it into 2 or even 3 to break it up a bit.

- I feel there may be a bit of a timing inconsistency around his sentencing, reprieve and sending to Siberia. He was supposed to be shot the morning after his capture (see end paragraph before number 3 in Chap2) yet he gets a letter to his sister, she follows his case for some time (it is implied) and then gets money to him. Also “his second reprieve in a handful of weeks” is inconsistent, so I think the first instance saying he is to be shot the following morning needs to be corrected.

- Not too sure Trotsky would blurt the entire escape plan in one go to a stranger. It may be more convincing to have the plan come out in longer dialogue somehow.

I enjoyed this and have put it on my WL. All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

This is really interesting. I'm adding it to my watch list.

It's a pleasure to read your well-crafted prose. I'm adding The Butterfly and the Wheel to my bookshelf.

Very interesting idea - I like the overall concept and hope it works out for you.
Regards,
Uncas

Hi Randall,
Read a few chapters and browsed a lot more.
The character’s name took me to Turgenev, as it would many a reader, and I would suggest a change (unless you intend to claim that Ivan plagiarized).
Let’s talk about your story.
Good start and nice intro of your MC. That said, I didn’t find the right color for a small Soviet town of the Brezhnev era. Chapter 2 starts real well and there’s plenty of tension, but part 3 is a long neutral narrative voice which did little for the story. And while I’m at it, these numbered subchapters got me confused. Do you need them? Getting to Trotsky, he was the real ideologue of the movement, he had a magnetic personality and flamboyant speech and often began hours long tirades. In your description, you don’t do him justice. When I met Lenin, I expected to be introduced to the elaborate security which surrounded him. I know, you’re writing fiction, but their historical characters are played down too much—and as I said, I don’t see the tension which was all over Petrograd at the time. Many years ago, I met some old Russians who actively participated in the revolution. They spoke colorfully, describing the riots, street fights, the cold, famished rabble, the killings, rapes, torching, stealing, the Red Guards surrounding the top Bolshevik leaders—in their trademark long black leather coats, red armbands, revolvers hanging by their necks, and the summary justice they enforced. Sorry, just a thought.
Chapter 3 draws away from historical figures and does a much better portrayal of the time. But again, a little color would help. Just saying “the 3rd class compartment was cold and gloomy, why not show it? To begin, there were no compartments in 3rd class, the car had wooden bench seats on both sides with an aisle in between. People were running away from the fighting. You really needed to know someone to get a seat on a train. Red Squads shot those trying to get on board without proper documentation (usually a printed paper with a stamp). People were running away with their belongings, Red Squads confiscated everything the wanted. People were hungry, dirty, with kids—the noise in 3rd class would had been unimaginable, and the smell…
I like your voice. The dialogue sounds real enough (even if historically incorrect)—nothing that can’t be fixed with a good editing.
Overall, a nice story, worthy of backing. It will go on my shelf as soon as I take one down. If I forget, remind me in a few days.
Good luck.
Dan

Plain and simple brillance, I love the fast paced smooth and steady flow. Backed

N.A. Randall

Thanks for agreeing to swap reads Neil.

The Butterfly and the Wheel
This is an exciting, fast-moving, story, with the protagonist nicely developed as a pompous phony, though perhaps a bit to obviously self-aggrandizing; e.g. his heavy-handed references to his great literary talent, etc..

I got the impression that the writer was too intent on the well-imagined plot developments to work on the re-writing and editing that would have made it even better. I almost gave up in Chap 1 (some problems are mentioned by others posts) but Chaps. 2 and 3 were much better and the story so vivid and interesting that I've Watchlisted it.
The somewhat formal, overblown, language is fine when it's used to show how self-important Turgenevsky is, but muddies the story up when it's the author speaking. Sometimes the language would work better if a little more precise, e.g. the fur coat is "not in bearing with" the wearer's sentiments--'didn't fit' 'wasn't in line with'??.
Possible typos or cut-and-paste slips, "they were a sporadic phenomenon"? (Should be 'they were sporadic phenomena'). Similarly, "the majority of the next day"? Majority refers to a number of items, and "most of the next day" is terser anyway.
One research nitpick: most educated Russians spoke at least two languages in Lenin's day (and most of the revolutionaries were educated bourgeois in origin) so it's not much of a selling point for T. What if he had very special printing skills or contacts? (I've researched a lot re. Russia 1898-1917 for my own novel "Ssylka"--not yet on Authonomy.)

I look forward to reading more, Anne.

Hi, are you interested in swapping reads. I've read part of 'Butterfly' and will post soon. Will you take a look at "Polly"? Anne.

Hi, are you interested in swapping reads. I've read part of 'Butterfly' and will post soon. Will you take a look at "Polly"? Anne.

Hello NA,
Read up to the end of chap 2.
This is refreshing, great flow and so very informative.
It almost feels dialogue driven-up untill the BS in part 3 above-conferring a frenetic pace.
You trust the readers intelligence throughout, only two things stand out for me as overplayed:
'an almost ravenous glint'
'20 roubles, you say' The 'you say' is unncessary.

Great read, will go far I'm sure.
High stars and WL for now.
John
Dropping Babies.

Really enjoyed this, NA. Shelved and highly rated.

I'm a huge fan of historical fiction - particularly where the storyline has a contemporary, almost satirical feel - and this seems to fit the bill very nicely. The prose is terrifically smooth - vivid and original and with an immediate, almost filmic quality to the phrasing/imagery. Very impressive.

The sense of place (both re the 1910s and 1960s) is clearly but subtly evoked. It's obvious you know your stuff but you don't feel the need to ram your research down the reader's throat. It's just there in the background, adding colour and depth. Nicely done. Convincing and purposeful dialogue. Good sense of a sprawling, quite ambitious storyline taking shape. Clever use of dry, sardonic wit, particularly in the dialogue.

If I were to offer any criticism, it would be that, altho I loved the conversational exchanges - the various voices ring true and the exchanges add good energy to the scenes - there were times when I felt as if the novel was relying too much on dialogue to move the storyline along. I know that's an odd criticism (and it's probably just me!!) but, on quite a few occasions, I longed for a little more preamble both to set the scene and provide the reader with a clearer insight into the various character's motivations/mindset etc. At the moment, the breakneck speed of the novel (particularly a novel which is bound to invite comparisons with Pasternak, Dostoevsky etc), while helping to keep the pages turning, prevents me from engaging fully with the characters and the overall thrust of the narrative. Just a thought.

In short, a beautifully written, vividly real, very original piece of writing. Thanks and best of luck. P

Drawn by the Russian backdrop, I was held by the dry humour, the flamboyantly Russian characters and the unlikely juxtaposition of Lenin, Trotsky and a grubby little self serving writer all caught up in the glorious revolution. I'll be back for more, meanwhile please accept six stars and a backing with my compliments - Frances K

Hi,
This is a very professional piece of writing and I enjoyed it.
Where you get the names from beats me.
There is a very authentic Russian feel to the first chapter.
BTW avoid green eyes in any of your writing - editors laugh about it - I'm told.
Backed.

i know i have back this already, but every time i look at it, i am drawn in by the premise...
j
what every woman should know

As a reader, I'm there. . . 1968 Russia, the train station, the public speeches, the idolized author, the smarmy bureaucrat---it's all visual and alive. I'd buy this book; it's the kind of book I read.

I do have one thought about the first chapter: it seems possibly too long. And there's a shift that happens that you might use to break to a second chapter. One gets a Tolstoyesque feeling at the beginning, though with early suspicions about the great man, but beginning with "Since his final address. . . ," the POV changes to Bazdeyev's, and we begin to see Turgenovsky differently. Maybe there IS a break there--I see there's an extra paragraph break. So maybe it would feel like a big enough transition in print, but even a whole chapter break might be good.

Just a thought. I'm truly impressed with the writing and the wonderful historical and cultural setting.

First of all, like Di below I have to say that I was grabbed by the short pitch. (Your novel has been on my WL basically since I joined, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get round to reading it.... ) I had to concentrate to follow the longer pitch, but this is definitely the kind of story that appeals. I'm fascinated by communist Russia and of course by the idea of writing and being recognised for art - the combination of the two is definitely something that would make me pick up this book in a bookshop.
"When you get to my age there'll be plenty of time for sleeping" - this sentence confused me. Does he mean he'll get to sleep a lot soon, once he's passed away?
I loved your first sentence, and the first few after that - in just a few words you deftly paint the scene and plunge us in the atmosphere. Also great that you introduce elements like Nina - I liked the "His tongue darted out over his top lip" - nice detail that says it all. The occasional sentence could do with tightening - "despite seeming to be far from listening", for example - you might find it helpful to read it out loud - dull, tedious and you feel like an idiot but it really helps you tighten things. This is good stuff though!

I really like this.
The short pitch grabbed me and if I'd been in a bookshop I would have picked it up. (The long pitch perhaps goes on too far - nothing wrong with keeping some of your powder dry.)

I found the writing good - confident and engaging with a nice flow, but it's the story that really grabbed me. Human frailty and bad decisions always draw me in. And I think many of us on this site can relate to the irony of a poor writer making it big!

I'll be putting this on my shelf as soon as there's room.
Good luck!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

This is really interesting, and generally very well written. I have a few comments on your pitches and first chapter:

- short pitch - I really liked this, it's what made me put it on my watchlist (along with the intriguing title)

- long pitch - I like this too, but I have the feeling that the 3rd and 4th paragraphs go a bit too far into the plot and map out the book rather too much. In my opinion (which is of course only my opinion!) I'd amend it as follows:
1st paragraph fine
2nd paragraph fine, but add the next sentence of the third paragraph to it, so that it finishes 'battles to keep his reputation intact.'
Cut the rest of the 3rd paragraph and all of the 4th paragraph.
5th paragraph good

I'm a strong believer that less is more when it comes to the back of a book, and I think this would make the pitch a bit more of a teaser, leaving a few of the twists and turns of the plot to be a surprise.

- first paragraph: in general I like this opening, and I think you've made a particularly neat job of conveying Turgenovsky's appearance in a way that flows - always a tricky one at the start of a book. I love the idea that he has different coloured eyes - somehow disconcerting - but it strikes me there's something very slightly clumsy about that last sentence. I wondered about rephrasing:
"... especially his curious, different coloured eyes, one grey and lifeless offset by another of almost emerald green. They gave his waxen features and prominent cheekbones ..."
Do you think that's any better?

For my taste, it's also rather a long first paragraph, which slows the pace unnecessarily. I'd be inclined to put in a paragraph break after 'seventy-three years', so that the next paragraph has the new piece of action of the new character rushing forward. I'm not very keen on 'alighting with a flourish' - I know what you're getting at, but I'm not convinced that those two words go together - how about: "alighting with a nimbleness which belied his 73 years" (also avoids the slightly odd looking 'belying').

The writing runs on well after this, and there are several little things I really like - 'devotee at Holy Communion', and Turgenovsky referring to himself obliquely as "the great poet". Lovely!

The dialogue works quite well to my ear - there's a sort of momentousness in the phrasing which suits the picture of a great man addressing a supplicant. The only thing that struck me is that a couple of the contractions are rather at odds with the rhythm of it, such as 'The pleasure's all mine' - since Turgenovsky is speaking in ringing tones, why not, 'The pleasure is all mine.' Also later on 'there'll be plenty of time for sleeping.' I'd go for the full 'there will''.

In the same vein, I'd put in a paragraph break in the first paragraph of Turgenovsky's speech after 'prevalent in our society'. I think this would improve the pace and help the reader to hear the stirring tones of Turgenovsky's delivery.

You conjure the picture of the streets and the celebrations really well, so I enjoyed the rest of this very much. You also convey Turgenovsky's lasiviciousness brilliantly - it makes my skin crawl, especially the darting tongue and ravenenous glint. And the end of the chapter draws the reader uncomfortably onwards to see how Nina will survive the encounter.

I hope these remarks are helpful. Please don't be discouraged by my very specific criticisms. I only bother to comment in this kind of detail on work that I think shows real promise! I'm also more than prepared to submit to your dissection of mine, if you have the time and inclination.

Julia
Time Was Away

Such a quick read-along feel, with a kind of modern pacing that still allows for a traditional 'classic' style approach. Of what I've read so far, it feels like a very warming read and the seeds of the plot line have been sown and so I am drawn in. It's the type of book someone like me loves to read with a knowing and wry grin of enjoyment. I will read more when I have the chance! Thank you for backing my book too - though it is a long time since I have even looked at it - I can barely remember what it reads like!

The farther I read, the more I like this. I've always enjoyed the Russian writers, especially Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, and I think you're coming along in their wake. And thanks for backing my book and making some helpful comments.

Fascinating. I want to keep reading and reading. I'm happy to add it to my bookshelf and give it a bunch of stars.

This book reads like a classic . . . and it is. Love it, love it, love it.

Lil' Em

HI,
I've put you on my watchlist. I've read a bit and I like your style.

Michelle Williamson

Hi. There is much to admire here; the writing is mostly extremely competent. Personally, though, I would launch straight in with dialogue at the opening, then feed in description in smaller doses. Telling us that Turgenovsky's eyes are different colours is by the by, really, and holds up that crucial beginning where you hook your readers in.
Do take a look at 'Jelly-Boy'; I'd be grateful.

"Turgenovsky's literary aspirations far outweigh his talents..." God I know how that feels! A perfect hook-line. I remember backing this book a while ago, it is clever, beautifully written and, in some ways, is a most befitting tribute to the ambitions and desperations that all of us have faced at some point or another on our literary journies. Excellent work, I will back it again as soon as I find a space. Good luck.

Jack Hughes

It might be a little stileted but you depict an era, a time when language mattered more than it does now to many. Modern writers indulge in bad language, weak vocabulary and inaccuracies in expression. I like it. Will back it. similar to mine in a way. Shades of Green - when you have time. Thanks Mary

Don't agree, the dialogue is informative and natural - from what I have read elsewhere, functionaries tended to talk as though they were making memos half the time. I works here. Having enjoyed 'Stalin: the court if the red tsar' which dwells on the fate of writers good and bad, I think the a book about literature and it's politicisation in that era is an untapped market. Liked the Cuba bits. Excellent concept.

I have no wish to contest the historical accuracy of your book but I do find some of the dialogue unnaturally stilted and impossible to reconcile with the spoken word! It's as if the writer is using the characters to convey background information to the reader instead of filtering it through in the manner of realistic conversation. Just my impression.
Best wishes
Stewart

Hello:

I read the first several chapters of The Butterfly and the Wheel and thoroughly enjoyed the story. It grabs the reader's attention quickly and continues to move along at a good pace; moreover, it provides a readable historical primer as to what was going on in the minds of the Russian people during the Bolshevik Revolution.

May this book find a publisher to launch you to your writing dreams.

James Revoir

I like this one. In terms of craftsmanship, there's maybe turns of phrase occasionally seeming very slightly stilted, but it sort of suits a general "Russianness." Otherwise it's very well-done.

I can imagine the overall high concept of the book being synonymous with "ME MAKE NO MONEY" in the minds of today's sophisticated publishing professionals, sadly. I'm not sure if that's a valid or interesting "critique," but it might be holding you back from fulfilling dreams of filthy lucre.

Cover art: it's red. Hard to say much else about it. Okay, it's clearly the most appropriate colour you could have used, and it's better than a badly drawn butterfly and wheel would have been, but it's too conceptual for its own good.

Title: good.

Short pitch: very good. Makes me interested to read on.

Long pitch: too long. I get the impression you've summarised the entire book here, rather than enticing me with possibilities. I'd re-think this.

Chapter one. Not the greatest of opening sentences. I would definitely delete 'The struggling young writer'. Presumably the text is going to show that he's a struggling young writer, so you don't need to state it so blandly right at the start. Too much description of the hair. If it's long, it wouldn't just poke out, it would be going everywhere. I'd just go for tufts of hair rather than long hair as it's a more interesting and descriptive phrase. Don't bother with the colour unless it's going to be vital to the plot. Readers prefer to make up their own minds as to what colour everyone's hair is. Drop 'smoky frozen thickness' for the river. You really don't need it. The reader, at the start of a novel, wants stuff happening, not a detailed description of everything. That can come later. His internal monologue is good, but I would drop the last sentence of the paragraph.

You don't need to describe Lev as wearing a 'good quality fur coat and hat'. It's winter. It's by the Neva. Of course he's wearing a fur coat and hat. You could just describe him as being 'well-dressed' or ideally, leave out the description all together. It's not needed here, as I'm sure it's not vital for the plot. And talking of coats, you don't need to describe Ivan's coat as a threadbare winter coat. Okay, keep the threadbare, but winter is entirely superfluous. Generally speaking, I think you need to go through and ask yourself whether all the detailed descriptions are needed. At the very least, limit yourself to no more than one adjective per noun, and preferably try to find a noun that is sufficiently descriptive that you don't need the adjective at all - tricky when it comes to coats, true, but there are words for coat that are descriptive in themselves (greatcoat, overcoat, raincoat).

I like the dialogue: the way at first they're not really talking to each other but rather throwing opinions around. Very realistic. They 'tune in' to each other's words after a bit, and this works well.

Beware of being vague. For example: 'He despised these new revolutionary-types who seemed to have sprung up like corpses in some Gogolian fable' would to my mind be stronger and more immediate as: 'He despised these new revolutionary-types who were springing up like corpses in some Gogolian fable'. Then in the next paragraph you have 'some sort of ruckus'. I'd drop the 'some sort of'.

If everything you have posted here really is the entire chapter one, then it's miles too long. If section one is the actual chapter one, then it's too short, and section two (Chapter two?) is even shorter. It's little more than an episode. And talking of length, you have a 'long, uncomfortable pause'. Drop the long. Just have an uncomfortable pause. Better style. I like the way Turgenovsky holds his tongue rather than telling the other characters exactly what he thinks of their politics. This gives us more insight into his character than any amount of ranting would have done.

Regarding chapter length, I would have run chapters (sections?) one and two together, perhaps with a line of asterisks between to show the change of scene. The current section two ends with an excellent hook, so it would be a great way to end a first chapter.

General impression of all I've read so far: you are great on dialogue and characterisation and your historical research looks impeccable as far as I can tell. On the downside, you're over fond of unnecessary descriptions and are sometimes not as direct as you could be. Assuming you have the entire manuscript in one Word document, trying doing a global search for the word 'seems'. I bet you use it dozens of times. It's one of those words that rarely justifies its inclusion in literary writing. Also check your adjectives. If you have to use them, make sure they're good ones. 'long' is not a good adjective. Go for precision; only use modifiers that couldn't possibly refer to anything else.

Assuming the plotting is consistently good throughout, you have a book with great potential here in my view. Very best of luck with it.

We have a big read here, straight in the deep end! You work a huge canvas with great courage. Not enough of us have strength for that, and literature is poorer for it, because I love a big, well written book.

Can your artists' introversions be trimmed a bit? Your "young man angst" is realistic though rather self conscious, as young men are, it is true. I admire you for taking on such a complicated setting and making it work. Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

This was a little outside of my genre, but it was still an interesting read. I made it through Chapter 1 and was hooked almost from the very beginning. No major grammatical or writing errors that I saw, but I'm not an expert. I love your long pitch too. I think the short pitch could grab the reader a little more than it does now though, it seems almost academic at the moment. In general, very well done. I am giving you high stars and will be back for another chapter when it's not so late! :)

Best,

Ashley