Book Jacket

 

rank 615
word count 148238
date submitted 01.11.2010
date updated 26.11.2012
genres: Literary Fiction, Historical Fictio...
classification: universal
complete

The Butterfly and the Wheel

NA Randall

A second-rate Russian writer passes off an unpublished manuscript as his own, and rises to the summit of Soviet society.

 

Turgenovsky’s literary aspirations far outweigh his talents. When arrested with a group of student friends, he’s drawn into revolutionary circles more through chance than conviction, and starts to have an unwitting impact on the earth-shattering events taking place around him.

During the Civil War, he denounces an unpublished author, steals his manuscript, and becomes the country’s premier socialist writer.

When another version of the stolen novel surfaces, Turgenovsky battles to keep his reputation intact. With much connivance he manages to distance himself from such claims, and is eventually awarded the Nobel Prize.

In later years, he realizes what he’s missed out on as an artist, and starts to write an epic novel to cement a far more legitimate legacy. It’s a huge failure. Love poems for his wife found after his death - like Pasternak’s Zhivago – prove to be the only thing of literary merit he ever produced, providing him with partial redemption.

The novel satirizes the delusional foundations of a totalitarian regime. It is about a mediocre man – like so many others - who flourishes in a society which claims to eradicate inequality, but only succeeds in propagating it to new and untold heights.

 
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Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

1  

Death of Gagarin, the Ultimate Soviet Hero, Pravda, 28th March 1968

Comrades, we have lost one of our most courageous sons. Yesterday, the peerless cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin, was killed while testing a new fighter jet for the Soviet military. This tragic accident has robbed us of one of the colossal figures of the twentieth century. In death as in life, comrade Gagarin pushed the boundaries of human possibility. He raised the bar, so those who followed could scale to even greater heights. In so many ways he represents the revolutionary sprit that still drives our great nation forward. Who can forget that glorious day in April 1961 when news of the first space launch crackled through our transistor radios? Who will ever forget the moment we heard Gagarin whistling The Motherland Hears?  Personally, I feel honoured to have known a man of Gagarin’s unique stature, and to have been able to call him a friend as well as a comrade. Like no other Soviet citizen, his name is written in the stars he was brave enough to conquer.

 

Signed: Ivan Fyodorovich Turgenovsky – The People’s Writer

 

In full uniform, Yuri Gagarin was escorted out of the granite-faced institute by armed guards. His fleshy face betrayed the odd clumsy razor stroke (it had taken three orderlies to shave him that morning), and his eyes looked dull and lifeless. The very things that express the most human emotion were devoid of almost any.

   There was a car waiting on the shingled drive. Through force of habit, Gagarin walked over to it.

A guard grabbed his arm.

‘No, comrade Gagarin, we won’t be leaving just yet. We have a small matter to attend to. Some schoolchildren have been bused in from Moscow to meet you.’

Gagarin lowered his head. Thoughts of his own children and old life crowded his mind.

‘This is the first stage of your recovery, remember?’ said the guard. ‘Please, follow me.’

A KGB operative opened some double-doors leading into a low-ceilinged storage room, where a dozen uniformed riflemen stood in wait

Gagarin looked directly at them, but no fear or panic registered on his face.

The KGB operative handcuffed Gagarin, and led him to the other side of the room.

The riflemen got into position. No one said anything. There were no last words, and Gagarin offered no resistance. He just stood there with his head bowed.

An officer stepped forward.

‘Men, take aim. Fire when ready.’

 

2

Twenty senior members of the Writers’ Union were sitting around a conference table. Everyone looked bored and disinterested. The man with the beard and horn-rimmed glasses had been talking for some time.

   ‘Comrades, a new form of literary anarchy has come into existence. Thousands of people are typing and distributing these blasted samizdat books. The security forces have seized truckloads. They range from illicit Western texts to more subversive, homegrown polemics by undesirable elements like Solzhenitsyn. Its reached epidemic proportions. Were at crisis point. Writers not ideologically pure must be taken out of circulation. And I think our one and only option no, let me rephrase that - our one and only duty to the Soviet people is to expel Solzhenitsyn from the Writers Union with immediate effect.’

   The response to this was muted.

   Sensing a split in opinion, Turgenovsky got to his feet. These men had been handpicked. They were sheep. All they needed was a prod in the right direction.

   ‘Comrades,’ he said, ‘those who support the motion - and remember: amputation of the gangrenous limb is only performed to stop the rest of the body becoming infected please raise your hands.

   Arms shot up in the air.

   The motion was carried by 18 votes to 2.

   As the committee members shuffled out of the room, Turgenovsky walked over to the window and raised the blinds. It had negligible effect. The sky remained dark and ominous with the threat of yet more rain.

   ‘Comrade Turgenovsky.’

   He swung round.

   In the doorway was a short, non-descript man with a neat side-parting to his greying hair. His black suit, white shirt and black tie gave him the look of a conscientious undertaker.

   He walked into the room and leaned against the conference table.

   ‘What was the outcome of your meeting? I take it youre not the bearer of bad news?’

   ‘Youre certainly eager, comrade Korasov. The meeting has only just finished. But rest assured. My colleagues were all in accordance well, the motion was carried by a huge majority put it that way. Our good friend, Alexander Isayevich, is no longer welcome here. He’s been expelled from the Union of Writers, and wont find a platform or legitimacy amongst the ideologically stable elements of our society.’

   ‘Excellent,’ said Korasov. ‘But I fear the contagion has already had widespread effect. The proliferation of banned works is a cause for real concern, and we may well have to take serious action, we may well have to eliminate certain people from the scene.’

   This made Turgenovsky feel uneasy.

   ‘Im, er…sure you’ll act in our best interests. Give me an update when I return from Czechoslovakia.’

   Korasov stood and straightened.

   ‘Oh, you’ll be kept up to date,’ he said. ‘Dont worry about that. In fact, your services may well be required in facilitating an operation of utmost importance.’

   ‘Me? How can I possibly be of help? Im just a writer.’

   ‘Let me give you an example,’ said Korasov. ‘Our laboratory people have just developed a deadly serum which is transferable by the merest of pinpricks. If a target, for example, was passing an operative in the street, and happened to contrive a coming together the type of everyday occurrence seen in Moscow or Leningrad the serum could be administered through the tip of an umbrella, or something commonplace like that. And it goes without saying, the less suspicious the decoy, the more likely the operation’s success.

   ‘I I dont understand. Whats that got to do with me?’

   ‘We’ll talk again when you get back from the sanatorium,’ said Korasov. Enjoy your break. I hope your treatment is successful, and you return feeling like a new man, ready to tackle any new challenges facing the Party.’

 

3

The half-open hotel room door emitted raucous sounds and potent marijuana fumes. Hippy-types talked and smoked on the landing, cocooned in worlds of their own altered imagining. Inside, young women with flowers in their hair danced around, weaving invisible patterns with their hands, long-haired musicians strummed guitars, played bongos or shook tambourines, and semi-clad couples cavorted on a four-poster bed.

   As soon as Turgenovsky walked in, he was close to turning and walking out again. But the straggly-haired Allen Ginsberg, in a white robe and with his bushy beard and glasses, patted him on the shoulder.

   ‘Relax, Ivan,’ he said. ‘This is where all the hip cats are at, the bodhisattvas, the playthings of the Godhead. Come over here. Let’s find a quiet corner where we can groove off each other like two eternal brothers who’ve drunken deeply from the bacchanalian cup.’

   He led Turgenovsky and his driver, Zochenko, over to a table by the window.

   They pulled out some chairs and sat down.

   ‘What brings you to Prague?’ asked Ginsberg. Are you here for a soul vacation?’

   ‘You’ll have to excuse me,’ said Turgenovsky. ‘I’ve spoken very little English over the last few years. I have difficulty understanding everything you say.’

   A little slower, Ginsberg repeated the question.

   ‘Oh, I have my blood cleaned twice a year at a clinic in Bohemia,’ Turgenovsky replied. ‘And when my people said you’d like to meet, I was only too happy to oblige.’

   ‘Your blood cleaned?’ Ginsberg looked stunned. ‘Wow! That’s far out, man. You know, your first novel has been available in the States for a while now. When we were at college, me and Jack used to take a copy into one of the big parks in New York, and read a chapter out loud at a time.’

   ‘Jack?’

   ‘Jack Kerouac?’ said Ginsberg. ‘You never heard of him? Hes a great American writer. He wrote On the Road, this mad, spiralling road trip of a book that encompasses the hopes and dreams of an entire generation of searchers and seekers, roaming the vast dusty highways of a forgotten America, trying to return to the primal source, the beatific energy fields of creation, the essence of being and doing, memory and forgetfulness, to listen to the soul jukeboxes play in the empty churches of the mind, to breath in the scentless odours of our forefathers faded visions.’

   Turgenovsky lost the thread of what Ginsberg was saying soon after he mentioned the title of the book.

   ‘Yeah, we loved that first novel of yours,’ said Ginsberg. ‘How does that one line go when the young girl sees her father killed? Darkness reigned over the vastness of the steppe. Wind rustled through the long grass where Gregor had fallen…” I cant remember it all now. But I see a lot of similarities between you and Jack, style-wise, in that beautiful lyricism. Had Jack been living in Russia fifty years ago, Im sure he would’ve written something along the same lines, with the imperious backdrop, confronting the big questions that move the heart and mind. Someone like Jack revels in that kind of thing. Its his bag. He loves the Wolfean flow of words, that oneness with all natural forms, the idea that we’re all sum parts of a bigger whole. You dig?’

   Some chanting and wailing noises crackled from the stereo speakers. Anyone not standing already got to their feet, and started skipping around the room. Ginsberg joined them, throwing up his arms, shaking his head from side to side so the beads around his neck rattled together. He chanted Om, and everyone else joined in.

   When Ginsberg returned, he took a tin from the pouch he was wearing around his waist, and put it on the table.

   ‘You fancy smoking a little peace weed?’ he asked. ‘This is some really mellow shit.’

   He took a stick of marijuana from the tin, lit it, pulled on it once, and handed it to Turgenovsky.

   ‘Do you think that’s wise, comrade Turgenovsky?’ said Zochenko. ‘Marijuana is a potent narcotic.’

   Turgenovsky hated being told what to do, and waving Zochenko’s words away, he put the joint to his lips and drew a little smoke into his lungs.

   A moment passed. His eyes widened and his lips curled. He passed the joint back to Ginsberg.

   ‘Mellow shit.’ Turgenovsky chuckled to himself. ‘And what’s that other stuff called there on the table?’

   ‘LSD,’ Ginsburg replied. ‘You should try a little. It would help cleanse the doors of perception and channel your original thought processes before they become contaminated by the mind control unreality of everyday experience.’

   ‘In Russia we have the KGB,’ said Turgenovsky. ‘It sounds like the same thing. Ha! And a meeting like this wouldn’t have been possible a few years ago, you know. Youd have been considered far too subversive. Theyd have probably had me arrested. Youre quite the demonic one, Allen. You remind me a little of Stalin. He had the same magnetic energy. If you asked anyone in this room to do something, they probably would no matter how outlandish. Thats quite a gift.

   ‘Im just a conduit,’ said Ginsberg. ‘All influence towards an inverse action is wholly acquisitive.’

   Turgenovsky rubbed his eyes. The room had started to move in a disconcerting way.

   What? I – I think your medicinal tobacco has gone straight to my head. I’ve never been much of a smoker.’

   You should get stoned everyday, man,’ said Ginsburg. ‘There’s so much groovy shit growing in and around Russia. I read a book a few months back about this mystical plant that grows wild in Abkhazia?’

   ‘Abkhazia? In Georgia?’  

   ‘Yeah.’ Ginsberg nodded. ‘Theres a plant with amazing life-enhancing properties that reverses the aging process, reinvigorating damaged cells, and restoring youthfulness to whoever ingests it. But it has to be prepared properly. You need to get in touch with a local spirit doctor or something. If not done just right, its highly toxic and could kill you.’

   Turgenovsky stared into space.

   ‘Life-enhancing properties…restoring youthfulness…’

   A loud bang sounded from outside.

   Everyone in the room exchanged worried and confused glances.

   Zochenko shook Turgenovsky’s shoulder.

   ‘Comrade Turgenovsky,’ he said. ‘We must leave now. Look.’

   Unsteadily, Turgenovsky got to his feet, walked over to the window, and watched a convoy of Russian tanks drive along Wenceslas Square.  

   Once outside, Zochenko tried to guide Turgenovsky through the mass of bodies fleeing the invading tanks, but his legs would no longer obey his commands. Every few steps his knees would buckle, and he would almost collapse to the floor. As Zochenko helped him back to his feet, Turgenovsky stared at the fires up ahead. People were shouting and screaming, and running along the side streets. Some had been injured and stemmed blood from their wounds with ripped clothing, anything that came to hand. Others supported those who could no longer walk. Shells shook buildings. Windows were smashing all around. Fragments of glass fell to the pavements, showering splinters over the fleeing crowds. Turgenovsky could not tell if this was actually happening, or part of some terrible hallucination. His eyes felt like somebody else’s. Frightful images flitted in and out of focus. He could barely breathe. Every shout and scream, thud, crash or explosion seemed to be amplified, making him twist and turn, jump and leap, dart and stare, looking this way and that.

   ‘Come on, comrade Turgenovsky,’ shouted Zochenko. ‘Our car is just around the next corner. We must hurry. Its not safe out here now.’

   They ran into a group of blood-stained women. On their knees, crying and wringing their hands, they prostrated themselves before a thick-set man with a dead child in his arms. Turgenovsky stared at the corpse of a boy who could have only been five or six-years-old. His neck was draped to one side, dry blood plastered to his forehead. Turgenovsky watched the women grab the boys legs and arms, pulling at his tattered clothing. The depth of their misery stirred something deep inside of him. He started to sob, gently at first, until he too dropped to his knees, and falling face first to the ground, lost all consciousness.

 

4

Anton Bazdeyev strolled towards the market square. It was another bright, beautiful morning. All was well with the regional Party secretary until he saw the debris from last night’s celebrations. Tables and chairs had been turned over. The cobblestones were strewn with chicken bones, broken glass, ticker tape, ribbons and flowers. On any other day, Bazdeyev would have rounded up a few dutiful citizens and made a start on tidying everything away. But he was due to meet Turgenovsky for breakfast, and they had so much to discuss - the burning issues of the day, of love and law and poetry. It filled him with great excitement, and forgetting any sense of duty, he continued on his way.

   He was carrying a picnic basket full of local preserves, cured meats and boiled eggs, freshly-baked bread, even a small bottle of vodka, should their conversation need enlivening. More important than these provisions, Bazdeyev had brought along some of his own literary work. Work he had undertaken in his spare time over the space of many years. There was some verse, a short story of which he was particularly proud, and the opening chapter of his novel. He could almost hear Turgenovsky’s words of praise: “Exquisite prose, Anton Antonovich, so beautifully written. Where have you been hiding all these years? Come – come back to Moscow with me. Every Soviet citizen should have the pleasure of reading your wonderful books.” The closer he got, the more Bazdeyev rehearsed his greeting. “Good morning, Ivan Fyodorovich, did you sleep well?” Or should he say “comrade Turgenovsky”? No, no, no, Bazdeyev argued with himself, the great writer had insisted on first name terms. “Literary men like you and I shouldn’t be so formal.” Bazdeyev chuckled. He remembered that comradely embrace from last night, and dismissed all nervousness. Moments like this should be savoured.

   Up ahead, Antipova, the roly-poly washerwoman, was taking some sheets out of Turgenovsky’s room.

   Bazdeyev dashed over.

   ‘What’s going on?’ he asked. ‘And what’s that?’

   He pointed to the blood-stained under-sheet.

   ‘What a mess!’ she said. ‘Apparently, comrade Turgenovsky suffered a terrible nosebleed during the night. Look at the state of these. Blood is no easy thing to get rid off, that it isn’t. He must’ve bled half to death.’

   ‘Oh – oh, I see,’ he said. ‘And where is comrade Turgenovsky now? Was he escorted to another room?’

   Before Antipova could answer, Razumikhin came strolling round the corner. This neat, conscientious lad of seventeen was so reliable, Bazdeyev had made him unofficial night porter. Anything Turgenovsky or his entourage required during the early hours, Razumikhin was instructed to provide.

   ‘Ah, comrade Razumikhin,’ said Bazdeyev. ‘Where did you transfer comrade Turgenovsky to? I hope you used your head, and found him another room that was to his satisfaction.’

   Razumikhin looked confused.

   ‘I, er –

   ‘Come on,’ said Bazdeyev, ‘out with it. I haven’t got all morning. I have an important meeting arranged with the great man himself.’

   For some reason, he lifted up his picnic basket, presumably to emphasize the point.

   ‘I’m dreadfully sorry, comrade Bazdeyev. But Turgenovsky’s train left an hour ago. He told me to give you his sincerest apologies. He was called back to Moscow on urgent Party business.’

 

5

A Question in Point: Answered, Pravda, 29th September 1968

An article appeared a few years ago questioning the true authorship of a particular book. With great pleasure, we inform readers that these ridiculous claims have been proven completely false. Let us outline how this was done. As is widely known many important historical papers were lost when the offices of the Writers Union suffered bomb damage during the Great Patriotic War. Amongst those papers were original draft copies and notes made by writers of the finest Soviet novels to have appeared since the Revolution. This tragedy was well-documented. But nowhere in the aforementioned article were any other writers singled out and accused of having perpetrated some kind of mass deception; of stealing ideas from others and passing them off as their own. It seems only the most celebrated writer, who has enjoyed international recognition, was seen as a worthy target - the more successful the personage, the greater the impact of any sensationalized falsehood. But in a society as free as ours the truth will always come out, and over the last few weeks parts of an original manuscript have surfaced in Leningrad, and its authorship verified. It was indeed written by the victim of this cowardly attack. Moreover, these extracts - many of them handwritten and dated - along with parts of the fully-typed text will soon be exhibited for public viewing. Once again, our enemies in the West will have to go back to the drawing board. Once again, they have plunged the depths of untruth to create yet another storm in a capitalist teacup. Only one troubling doubt remains. Why did one of our most worthy publications see fit to print an article that had no basis in fact? Such misguided editorial decisions must be fully investigated, and those implicated brought before the proper authorities. These rogue elements - the literary scum - should be weeded out before their poisonous roots take hold on our freedoms of expression, and strangle our glorious culture once and for all.

 

Signed: A Not Very Interested Party

 

The cafeteria’s mud-caked windows emitted a flaky and uneven light. In a darkened corner, Turgenovsky sat in a booth seat, partially obscured by a wooden beam. Faded menus stood on the dozen or so other unoccupied tables. The sound of sizzling meat, the clatter of pots and pans, and the odd curse came from the kitchen out back.

    Solzhenitsyn walked over to Turgenovsky’s table.

   ‘Ivan Fyodorovich,’ he said with a guarded, considered smile - the type of smile someone uses to mask their true first impressions. ‘We meet at last. May I sit down? Im sure we have much to discuss.’

   Turgenovsky nodded. Already he felt something bitter-tasting in his mouth.

   ‘I was just thinking how peaceful it is here,’ he said. ‘Now Im approaching the autumn of my life, I can see myself retiring somewhere like this – deep into the heart of the Russian countryside - somewhere quiet and remote, where I can write to my hearts content.’

   ‘Please, let us speak frankly,’ said Solzhenitsyn, taking the seat opposite. ‘You didn’t come all this way to talk about your retirement plans.’

   Turgenovsky’s face did not quite conceal his dislike for Solzhenitsyns tone.

   ‘It seems that circumstance has cast us as enemies, Alexander Isayevich. Now that irrefutable proof has emerged showing that I did indeed write my debut novel, Im sure youre not so ill-disposed towards me you wouldn’t have agreed to meet otherwise.’

   Solzhenitsyn looked like he wanted to say something, but thinking better of it, he nodded and gestured for Turgenovsky to continue.

   ‘During my time at the Writers’ Union, I’ve had to make lots of compromises. I understand that for a man who’s suffered at the hands of the Party; who’s endured the very harshest punishments, this makes me look like the worst kind of coward, and invalidates the quality and relevance of my work. But please believe me, by meeting you here today, Im in no way trying to condone everything I’ve done, and the decisions I’ve made. In Stalins time it was very much toe the line or face the consequences – we both know what I’m talking about - and I saw many of my peers pay the ultimate price. Was I guilty of turning a blind eye? Of course I was. Did I keep my mouth shut to save my own skin? Of course I did. But everything was done in the interests of preserving the sanctity of the writers art. I knew it couldn’t go on forever. I knew there would be a thaw - eventually. I just had to hang on in there. And if you remember rightly, it was me who saved many classic texts from extinction in those early days, and it was me who helped so many of the brightest artistic lights. You need only look to the cases of Akhmatova or Pasternak. Behind the scenes, I worked tirelessly, to the detriment of my own work and reputation. So you must understand how deeply wounded I was when those accusations regarding the true authorship of my debut novel started to circulate. I dont want to get into the details here. We’ve both had our say rightly or wrongly. What I want to do is clear the air, and offer the same advice and protection I gave other writers during the height of the purges. Be careful, Alexander Isayevich. Youre a new breed of problem for the Central Committee. And when we encounter something we dont understand we often act rashly, deploying unreasonable force. I fear for your safety. Dont throw away your life for some hollow form of martyrdom. You still have much to say; you still have many books to write. That is the most important thing of all.

   There was a long pause.

   ‘Youre a very eloquent man,’ said Solzhenitsyn. ‘I’ve spoken to many people about you, and they all told me the same thing: how incredibly convincing you are. I will reserve judgment on whether you are indeed the author you claim to be. At present, only you know the truth. And the proof you refer to, while highly persuasive, is far from conclusive. But I admire you for arranging this meeting. Its never easy confronting forces you know to be hostile. And I sincerely appreciate your concern for my welfare. The KGB follows me everywhere. In fact, I saw an agent just this morning.’

   Turgenovsky bit into his bottom lip. Those fools were supposed to have kept out of sight.

   ‘In real terms,’ Solzhenitsyn went on, ‘I fear for my own safety only in so much as I do indeed want to write more books. But I have many manuscripts in the hands of many invisible allies, and therefore, feel my future and legacy are assured. I look upon my message as a sacred one, and my only concern is delivering the truth in hope of cleansing the nation of its Stalinist legacy. We’ve had no Nuremberg. We need to face up to our past. We need to bring people to account and assess our collective guilt. We -’ Solzhenitsyn broke off, and stared out of the window.  

   ‘Is everything all right?’ Turgenovsky turned his head. The agent Solzhenitsyn referred to was standing in full view of them. 

   ‘There’s the operative I told you about. The fool is trying to conceal himself behind a tree. Theyre like children playing hide-and-seek. I must leave in a moment. Quiet and peaceful as it is here, I should never have come. Im far too exposed. I fear an attempt may be made on my life today.’

   ‘Today? Surely not.’

   Solzhenitsyn got to his feet.

   ‘I must go now.’

   ‘If you insist,’ said Turgenovsky. ‘But let me at least walk you to the door.’

   On the street outside the two writers prepared to take leave of each other. It was clear there was going to be no handshake or warm embrace. Regardless, Solzhenitsyn lingered, and seemed keen to say something else.

   ‘I want to ask you one last thing.’ He stared hard at Turgenovsky. ‘Did you really write that book?’

   Without averting his eyes, Turgenovsky nodded.

   ‘Yes. Yes I did.’

   Solzhenitsyn had a blank expression on his face that was impossible to interpret.

   ‘Goodbye, Ivan Fyodorovich.’  

   As he turned to walk away, he bumped into a young woman carrying an umbrella.

   ‘Ah!’ he cried, rubbing his thigh, where the sharp point of the umbrella had jabbed into him. He glared at the woman. ‘You should be more careful, young lady. You could do someone an injury with that thing – and on a beautiful sunny day like this.’

   The woman looked apologetic.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry, comrade,’ she said. ‘How clumsy of me. My husband insisted that I take an umbrella out with me today. A dramatic change in the weather is forecast this afternoon.’

   Solzhenitsyn shrugged, and went on his way.

   Turgenovsky and the woman exchanged a nod in passing, before walking in opposite directions.

 

6

On returning to his lodgings, Solzhenitsyn felt light-headed and nauseous. He put this down to the heat, and went up to his room to rest for a while. When his landlady brought him some tea about an hour later, he was barely conscious, delirious and burning up, and had vomited over the floor. The landlady acted fast, preparing a traditional homemade draught used to treat children who had consumed poisonous mushrooms. Carefully, she funnelled the mixture into Solzhenitsyns mouth, and made sure he held it down by rubbing his belly and whispering soft, practiced words of reassurance. It seemed to have a positive effect. His breathing levelled out, and his temperature dropped considerably.

   In the middle of the night, he was violently sick again.

   By morning, there was no sign of improvement. If anything, his condition seemed to be worsening. The landlady administered the same potion. This time, Solzhenitsyn could only hold it down for a few minutes. Frantic, she called for the local doctor, but was told he was visiting a pregnant woman in an adjoining village, and would not be back until nightfall. In a rare moment of clarity, Solzhenitsyn told her to wire a message to his wife, and another to Tvardovsky in Moscow. After relaying these, he asked for a priest.

 

Chapters

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Seringapatam wrote 35 days ago

Your writing is great and so engaging. It would be difficult to believe that one wouldnt become hooked in this book. You display some intelligent writing to say the least and it looks to me that you have found your niche genre and this is where you will do well. Great story, brilliant pace to it and superb narrative. So well done and I will see where this goes.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

rikasworld wrote 86 days ago

Hi, happy to hear that the Holy Drinker is now published. I think this one is even better. I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far - got as far as him joining up with Lenin.
Turgenovsky is a nicely Flashmanlike hero. I liked the way he was introduced in the first chapter. He sounded delightful until his attitude to young girls became obvious. His thoughts about his sister are pretty horrific too and his readiness to sacrifice everyone else for his own ends.
It's a fast paced read and the details are very convincing - even introducing the great names of the Russian Revolution seemed quite natural and I think I'm going to learn a fair bit about the period.
One small edit. In the part where he thinks he's going to be in the rough area of the train and the other man is offering to protect him, it should be 'The guards couldn't care less' I think.
I will definitely buy this if you let me know when it's up on Amazon.

AbiBoots wrote 167 days ago

Lovely, intellingent writing and a really intriguing story line. Your writing really captures the feel of the country and is visual and cinematic. I could see the scenes open out before me, in black and white, as I read. I will save this to my bookshelf to read more soon.

Kit Fox wrote 181 days ago

I like the way you have taken the end of the story and then taken it back to the beginning so we are keen to see how the character gets there. Early days as I have only read a few chapters but good first impression.

Would have liked to see more of the 'inner workings' of Turgenovsky's thoughts and character in the opening to compel me to continue but this is a small point.

I will read on as time allows! Best of luck, Kit Fox

R.E. Ader wrote 188 days ago

I have only started to read, and must say that I am somewhat impressed with the premise and your writing style. Good work.

DecemberRaen wrote 206 days ago

Your writing impressed me. I am a huge fan of dystopian literature, and your novel is a prime example of this genre. 6 stars from me.

Abby Vandiver wrote 208 days ago

This is very well written. I didn't notice any errors and think little if any editing needs to be done. There was a good flow and your writing was engaging. You tell a story very well. I only read a few chapters but I couldn't understand why you decided to make the final days the first chapter. I would think that it would read better if you told the story from the beginning.

Great start. Six stars from me.

Abby

Maria44 wrote 212 days ago

My one and only criticism is one you share with Tolstoy, and that is it takes me a few chapters to properly familiarise with Russian names (I expected Denisov to mispronounce his 'r's.

Your writing is excellent though, original similes and the conversations first rate, Turgenovsky speaks like a classical writer would, his comment about critics etc. Overall a great piece of work.

Maria

Nigel Fields wrote 288 days ago

I would love to have a copy of this book to set next to my Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky--it's that good.
JBCampbell

arne wrote 290 days ago

This is very good work. I liked it very much. I am partial to your style and will be keeping an eye out for more from you. Good work here, highly rated.
Arne Lash
Pimps, Beggars, and Bones.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 298 days ago

BUTTERFLY & THE WHEEL
This is an interesting story. Turgenovsky is a good character; rich and famous he may be, but he has a dark under side which makes him a character a reader wants to follow. Poor Bazdeyev; looks like even though he’s trying hard to get a personal moment with Turgenovsky, it’s not going to happen; not when Turgenovsky is so much interested in Nina. An important strength in your writing is your ability to describe settings. You give just enough information a read knows what things look like; not so much you bog down your story. Depicts the Russian background well. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Kit Masters wrote 396 days ago

Hello, I've read up to Lenin's declaration of the revolution now and congratulations on a very readable story so far.

I find some things frustrating though; Ivan Turgenovsky is a difficult to read character, I find him more of a don Quixoite than a Raskelnikoff, I'm not sure which you are going for.

I know I'm not supposed to like him but he's a real pain in the backside!

I'd like to know your aim in writing this; if it's just to be historical then great, you tick all the boxes with your excellently well researched incidents into which Ivan stumbles.

If on the other hand your intention is to be more literary than simply plot driven then I think it may be worth investing more time developing likable qualities in your main character; not to say that he can't wee himself and lie, but as long as he has something deeper going on we will forgive him.

For instance when he was on the ordinary prisoner cattle class, I thought to myself, "great he's going to go on a 'Resurrection' style journey and we'll fall in love with him and feel invested."

However the sister comes to the rescue and he avoids having to do any of the penitence, that his sister aptly suggests, when he bumbles into Trotsky and escapes.

If your aim is to create a Flashman or a don Quioxite, then you've got the structure but I'd probably like a little humour to go with it.

But saying that you could easily replace Ivan with a deep and lovable creation and make more of an emotional impact.

I felt that your name choices indicate that you're a fan of Russian fiction, (Volonsky, Denisov etc,) and your discussion of what Ivan reads, but your narrative voice has a light hearted flow which is nice to read but doesn't have the deep gravitas of the big Russian novelists.

Try for instance writing in a Tolstoy-esque long sentence into the occasional paragraph, or look at how Turgenev structures his sentences; I think that things like this will give you greater authenticity.


I truely admire this work, especially in terms of the historical detail and lavish attention to structure that you've put in.

I am also aware that I have not read anywhere near enough to assert the worth of much of what I've said, I just hope that it can be of some use to you!

I certainly hope that you take my comments positively, because they are meant in that way.

This is a story that I wish to keep reading, congratulations on an accomplished piece of writing which is truely individual!

Sincerely and with regards

Kit

Geddy25 wrote 410 days ago

This is fantastic and should be in print!!!!
I wasn't sure how I'd like a historical, Russian tale, but you have created something wonderful. I keep having to tell myself it's fiction as you have made it all sound so real.
Your writing flows with ease and you captured my attention so easily.
Very good luck with this! Top stars!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

outofprintwriter wrote 420 days ago

Hi
I'm so pleased to stumble across this book. And I should thank you in advance for your lovely comments about my own book - I feel so much more humbled now that I have seen the quality of your writing!

Firstly, let me just say that your book really appeals to my own interests. I love the classic Russian writers (I studied Russian literature at uni) and that period in Russia's history is so interesting. I have also travelled to Russia a couple of times. Have you been there yourself? Your descriptions are so vivid and everything about your work is so well-researched.

I like that you start the novel when there is some action going on, as it gets the reader interested straight away. You set the scene well and much about Ivan's character comes out in the first chapter through what he says and does, without it being boring exposition. And I also believed in your dialogue - which is such an important thing for me. And I think you have really tried to capture how they would speak back in the day...

But the moment I knew I was reading something truly brilliant was when Dunya was introduced. This reveals so much about the type of person Ivan is and I can tell that he is going to be one of those classic characters that readers struggle with, that do things that they hate, but perhaps they can't help liking him anyway.

We just got an ipad today - which is making reading vast amounts of text online far easier. So I look forward to reading more of your book soon!

Ruth2904 wrote 423 days ago

Love your opening lines. Usually I like to see dialogue in the opening lines, but this works very well indeed. You capture the atmosphere right from the start making me feel as though I'm in Russia, living the moment. Your work is first class and flows extremely well. Certainly a book with a difference. Well done.

Ruth 2904
To Dream Again

riantorr wrote 424 days ago

This is how I would edit the last line of your first paragraph. Nuanced changes, but you may see what I mean.

"... In a belted, blood-red tunic, with long grey hair flowing past his shoulders, he alighted in a flourish, belying his seventy-three years."

Regards,
RianTorr
New London Masquerade

Numbers wrote 424 days ago

Hi,

This is very well written and researched. I can tell tremendous time and effort has gone into this. I only wish I had more time to read the entire MS (I'll slowly make my way there - as I'm doing with other books).

The pace flowed well. Not too fast, not too slow. The dialogue touches upon the melodrama that Dostoyevsky applies to the majority of his characters in The Brothers Karamazov.

Starred and remaining on my watchlist til I read more!

Cheers,
Adam

marfleet wrote 427 days ago

I love historical pieces so this was a delight. I know very little about the period in Russia and so enjoy the detail, in fact I would not have minded a bit more historical background from time to time (as long as it doesn’t drag on the plot - a difficult balance). I thought the pace of the book was about right and the glimpse into the seedy side of the MC given in the opening chapter added momentum. The MS is very clean of errors but there were a couple of instances where the dialogue seemed a little forced (e.g. opening conversation with Trotsky) although it did give a “Russian” feel and perhaps that is more important.

These are just a couple of points I jotted down as I read so feel free to use or ignore :-)
- First paragraph of Chap 2 could benefit from turning it into 2 or even 3 to break it up a bit.

- I feel there may be a bit of a timing inconsistency around his sentencing, reprieve and sending to Siberia. He was supposed to be shot the morning after his capture (see end paragraph before number 3 in Chap2) yet he gets a letter to his sister, she follows his case for some time (it is implied) and then gets money to him. Also “his second reprieve in a handful of weeks” is inconsistent, so I think the first instance saying he is to be shot the following morning needs to be corrected.

- Not too sure Trotsky would blurt the entire escape plan in one go to a stranger. It may be more convincing to have the plan come out in longer dialogue somehow.

I enjoyed this and have put it on my WL. All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

like2read wrote 428 days ago

This is really interesting. I'm adding it to my watch list.

Ian_Keith wrote 435 days ago

It's a pleasure to read your well-crafted prose. I'm adding The Butterfly and the Wheel to my bookshelf.

uncas wrote 438 days ago

Very interesting idea - I like the overall concept and hope it works out for you.
Regards,
Uncas

eurodan49 wrote 440 days ago

Hi Randall,
Read a few chapters and browsed a lot more.
The character’s name took me to Turgenev, as it would many a reader, and I would suggest a change (unless you intend to claim that Ivan plagiarized).
Let’s talk about your story.
Good start and nice intro of your MC. That said, I didn’t find the right color for a small Soviet town of the Brezhnev era. Chapter 2 starts real well and there’s plenty of tension, but part 3 is a long neutral narrative voice which did little for the story. And while I’m at it, these numbered subchapters got me confused. Do you need them? Getting to Trotsky, he was the real ideologue of the movement, he had a magnetic personality and flamboyant speech and often began hours long tirades. In your description, you don’t do him justice. When I met Lenin, I expected to be introduced to the elaborate security which surrounded him. I know, you’re writing fiction, but their historical characters are played down too much—and as I said, I don’t see the tension which was all over Petrograd at the time. Many years ago, I met some old Russians who actively participated in the revolution. They spoke colorfully, describing the riots, street fights, the cold, famished rabble, the killings, rapes, torching, stealing, the Red Guards surrounding the top Bolshevik leaders—in their trademark long black leather coats, red armbands, revolvers hanging by their necks, and the summary justice they enforced. Sorry, just a thought.
Chapter 3 draws away from historical figures and does a much better portrayal of the time. But again, a little color would help. Just saying “the 3rd class compartment was cold and gloomy, why not show it? To begin, there were no compartments in 3rd class, the car had wooden bench seats on both sides with an aisle in between. People were running away from the fighting. You really needed to know someone to get a seat on a train. Red Squads shot those trying to get on board without proper documentation (usually a printed paper with a stamp). People were running away with their belongings, Red Squads confiscated everything the wanted. People were hungry, dirty, with kids—the noise in 3rd class would had been unimaginable, and the smell…
I like your voice. The dialogue sounds real enough (even if historically incorrect)—nothing that can’t be fixed with a good editing.
Overall, a nice story, worthy of backing. It will go on my shelf as soon as I take one down. If I forget, remind me in a few days.
Good luck.
Dan

Davidmauriceware wrote 445 days ago

Plain and simple brillance, I love the fast paced smooth and steady flow. Backed

Ann Campbell wrote 446 days ago

N.A. Randall

Thanks for agreeing to swap reads Neil.

The Butterfly and the Wheel
This is an exciting, fast-moving, story, with the protagonist nicely developed as a pompous phony, though perhaps a bit to obviously self-aggrandizing; e.g. his heavy-handed references to his great literary talent, etc..

I got the impression that the writer was too intent on the well-imagined plot developments to work on the re-writing and editing that would have made it even better. I almost gave up in Chap 1 (some problems are mentioned by others posts) but Chaps. 2 and 3 were much better and the story so vivid and interesting that I've Watchlisted it.
The somewhat formal, overblown, language is fine when it's used to show how self-important Turgenevsky is, but muddies the story up when it's the author speaking. Sometimes the language would work better if a little more precise, e.g. the fur coat is "not in bearing with" the wearer's sentiments--'didn't fit' 'wasn't in line with'??.
Possible typos or cut-and-paste slips, "they were a sporadic phenomenon"? (Should be 'they were sporadic phenomena'). Similarly, "the majority of the next day"? Majority refers to a number of items, and "most of the next day" is terser anyway.
One research nitpick: most educated Russians spoke at least two languages in Lenin's day (and most of the revolutionaries were educated bourgeois in origin) so it's not much of a selling point for T. What if he had very special printing skills or contacts? (I've researched a lot re. Russia 1898-1917 for my own novel "Ssylka"--not yet on Authonomy.)

I look forward to reading more, Anne.

Ann Campbell wrote 446 days ago

Hi, are you interested in swapping reads. I've read part of 'Butterfly' and will post soon. Will you take a look at "Polly"? Anne.

Ann Campbell wrote 446 days ago

Hi, are you interested in swapping reads. I've read part of 'Butterfly' and will post soon. Will you take a look at "Polly"? Anne.

johnpatrick wrote 449 days ago

Hello NA,
Read up to the end of chap 2.
This is refreshing, great flow and so very informative.
It almost feels dialogue driven-up untill the BS in part 3 above-conferring a frenetic pace.
You trust the readers intelligence throughout, only two things stand out for me as overplayed:
'an almost ravenous glint'
'20 roubles, you say' The 'you say' is unncessary.

Great read, will go far I'm sure.
High stars and WL for now.
John
Dropping Babies.

Paul Beattie wrote 449 days ago

Really enjoyed this, NA. Shelved and highly rated.

I'm a huge fan of historical fiction - particularly where the storyline has a contemporary, almost satirical feel - and this seems to fit the bill very nicely. The prose is terrifically smooth - vivid and original and with an immediate, almost filmic quality to the phrasing/imagery. Very impressive.

The sense of place (both re the 1910s and 1960s) is clearly but subtly evoked. It's obvious you know your stuff but you don't feel the need to ram your research down the reader's throat. It's just there in the background, adding colour and depth. Nicely done. Convincing and purposeful dialogue. Good sense of a sprawling, quite ambitious storyline taking shape. Clever use of dry, sardonic wit, particularly in the dialogue.

If I were to offer any criticism, it would be that, altho I loved the conversational exchanges - the various voices ring true and the exchanges add good energy to the scenes - there were times when I felt as if the novel was relying too much on dialogue to move the storyline along. I know that's an odd criticism (and it's probably just me!!) but, on quite a few occasions, I longed for a little more preamble both to set the scene and provide the reader with a clearer insight into the various character's motivations/mindset etc. At the moment, the breakneck speed of the novel (particularly a novel which is bound to invite comparisons with Pasternak, Dostoevsky etc), while helping to keep the pages turning, prevents me from engaging fully with the characters and the overall thrust of the narrative. Just a thought.

In short, a beautifully written, vividly real, very original piece of writing. Thanks and best of luck. P

FrancesK wrote 450 days ago

Drawn by the Russian backdrop, I was held by the dry humour, the flamboyantly Russian characters and the unlikely juxtaposition of Lenin, Trotsky and a grubby little self serving writer all caught up in the glorious revolution. I'll be back for more, meanwhile please accept six stars and a backing with my compliments - Frances K

Fred Le Grand wrote 457 days ago

Hi,
This is a very professional piece of writing and I enjoyed it.
Where you get the names from beats me.
There is a very authentic Russian feel to the first chapter.
BTW avoid green eyes in any of your writing - editors laugh about it - I'm told.
Backed.

scargirl wrote 463 days ago

i know i have back this already, but every time i look at it, i am drawn in by the premise...
j
what every woman should know

Carolyn Brown Heinz wrote 468 days ago

As a reader, I'm there. . . 1968 Russia, the train station, the public speeches, the idolized author, the smarmy bureaucrat---it's all visual and alive. I'd buy this book; it's the kind of book I read.

I do have one thought about the first chapter: it seems possibly too long. And there's a shift that happens that you might use to break to a second chapter. One gets a Tolstoyesque feeling at the beginning, though with early suspicions about the great man, but beginning with "Since his final address. . . ," the POV changes to Bazdeyev's, and we begin to see Turgenovsky differently. Maybe there IS a break there--I see there's an extra paragraph break. So maybe it would feel like a big enough transition in print, but even a whole chapter break might be good.

Just a thought. I'm truly impressed with the writing and the wonderful historical and cultural setting.

ClaireLyman wrote 473 days ago

First of all, like Di below I have to say that I was grabbed by the short pitch. (Your novel has been on my WL basically since I joined, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get round to reading it.... ) I had to concentrate to follow the longer pitch, but this is definitely the kind of story that appeals. I'm fascinated by communist Russia and of course by the idea of writing and being recognised for art - the combination of the two is definitely something that would make me pick up this book in a bookshop.
"When you get to my age there'll be plenty of time for sleeping" - this sentence confused me. Does he mean he'll get to sleep a lot soon, once he's passed away?
I loved your first sentence, and the first few after that - in just a few words you deftly paint the scene and plunge us in the atmosphere. Also great that you introduce elements like Nina - I liked the "His tongue darted out over his top lip" - nice detail that says it all. The occasional sentence could do with tightening - "despite seeming to be far from listening", for example - you might find it helpful to read it out loud - dull, tedious and you feel like an idiot but it really helps you tighten things. This is good stuff though!

Diwrite wrote 475 days ago

I really like this.
The short pitch grabbed me and if I'd been in a bookshop I would have picked it up. (The long pitch perhaps goes on too far - nothing wrong with keeping some of your powder dry.)

I found the writing good - confident and engaging with a nice flow, but it's the story that really grabbed me. Human frailty and bad decisions always draw me in. And I think many of us on this site can relate to the irony of a poor writer making it big!

I'll be putting this on my shelf as soon as there's room.
Good luck!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Julia Strand wrote 478 days ago

This is really interesting, and generally very well written. I have a few comments on your pitches and first chapter:

- short pitch - I really liked this, it's what made me put it on my watchlist (along with the intriguing title)

- long pitch - I like this too, but I have the feeling that the 3rd and 4th paragraphs go a bit too far into the plot and map out the book rather too much. In my opinion (which is of course only my opinion!) I'd amend it as follows:
1st paragraph fine
2nd paragraph fine, but add the next sentence of the third paragraph to it, so that it finishes 'battles to keep his reputation intact.'
Cut the rest of the 3rd paragraph and all of the 4th paragraph.
5th paragraph good

I'm a strong believer that less is more when it comes to the back of a book, and I think this would make the pitch a bit more of a teaser, leaving a few of the twists and turns of the plot to be a surprise.

- first paragraph: in general I like this opening, and I think you've made a particularly neat job of conveying Turgenovsky's appearance in a way that flows - always a tricky one at the start of a book. I love the idea that he has different coloured eyes - somehow disconcerting - but it strikes me there's something very slightly clumsy about that last sentence. I wondered about rephrasing:
"... especially his curious, different coloured eyes, one grey and lifeless offset by another of almost emerald green. They gave his waxen features and prominent cheekbones ..."
Do you think that's any better?

For my taste, it's also rather a long first paragraph, which slows the pace unnecessarily. I'd be inclined to put in a paragraph break after 'seventy-three years', so that the next paragraph has the new piece of action of the new character rushing forward. I'm not very keen on 'alighting with a flourish' - I know what you're getting at, but I'm not convinced that those two words go together - how about: "alighting with a nimbleness which belied his 73 years" (also avoids the slightly odd looking 'belying').

The writing runs on well after this, and there are several little things I really like - 'devotee at Holy Communion', and Turgenovsky referring to himself obliquely as "the great poet". Lovely!

The dialogue works quite well to my ear - there's a sort of momentousness in the phrasing which suits the picture of a great man addressing a supplicant. The only thing that struck me is that a couple of the contractions are rather at odds with the rhythm of it, such as 'The pleasure's all mine' - since Turgenovsky is speaking in ringing tones, why not, 'The pleasure is all mine.' Also later on 'there'll be plenty of time for sleeping.' I'd go for the full 'there will''.

In the same vein, I'd put in a paragraph break in the first paragraph of Turgenovsky's speech after 'prevalent in our society'. I think this would improve the pace and help the reader to hear the stirring tones of Turgenovsky's delivery.

You conjure the picture of the streets and the celebrations really well, so I enjoyed the rest of this very much. You also convey Turgenovsky's lasiviciousness brilliantly - it makes my skin crawl, especially the darting tongue and ravenenous glint. And the end of the chapter draws the reader uncomfortably onwards to see how Nina will survive the encounter.

I hope these remarks are helpful. Please don't be discouraged by my very specific criticisms. I only bother to comment in this kind of detail on work that I think shows real promise! I'm also more than prepared to submit to your dissection of mine, if you have the time and inclination.

Julia
Time Was Away

scarlettwarrior wrote 481 days ago

Such a quick read-along feel, with a kind of modern pacing that still allows for a traditional 'classic' style approach. Of what I've read so far, it feels like a very warming read and the seeds of the plot line have been sown and so I am drawn in. It's the type of book someone like me loves to read with a knowing and wry grin of enjoyment. I will read more when I have the chance! Thank you for backing my book too - though it is a long time since I have even looked at it - I can barely remember what it reads like!

Barbara Jurgensen wrote 484 days ago

The farther I read, the more I like this. I've always enjoyed the Russian writers, especially Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, and I think you're coming along in their wake. And thanks for backing my book and making some helpful comments.

Barbara Jurgensen wrote 485 days ago

Fascinating. I want to keep reading and reading. I'm happy to add it to my bookshelf and give it a bunch of stars.

Emily Lives wrote 489 days ago

This book reads like a classic . . . and it is. Love it, love it, love it.

Lil' Em

Michelle Williamson wrote 499 days ago

HI,
I've put you on my watchlist. I've read a bit and I like your style.

Michelle Williamson

Lulie wrote 518 days ago

Hi. There is much to admire here; the writing is mostly extremely competent. Personally, though, I would launch straight in with dialogue at the opening, then feed in description in smaller doses. Telling us that Turgenovsky's eyes are different colours is by the by, really, and holds up that crucial beginning where you hook your readers in.
Do take a look at 'Jelly-Boy'; I'd be grateful.

Jack Hughes wrote 532 days ago

"Turgenovsky's literary aspirations far outweigh his talents..." God I know how that feels! A perfect hook-line. I remember backing this book a while ago, it is clever, beautifully written and, in some ways, is a most befitting tribute to the ambitions and desperations that all of us have faced at some point or another on our literary journies. Excellent work, I will back it again as soon as I find a space. Good luck.

Jack Hughes



Floodo wrote 535 days ago

It might be a little stileted but you depict an era, a time when language mattered more than it does now to many. Modern writers indulge in bad language, weak vocabulary and inaccuracies in expression. I like it. Will back it. similar to mine in a way. Shades of Green - when you have time. Thanks Mary

PAB40 wrote 550 days ago

Don't agree, the dialogue is informative and natural - from what I have read elsewhere, functionaries tended to talk as though they were making memos half the time. I works here. Having enjoyed 'Stalin: the court if the red tsar' which dwells on the fate of writers good and bad, I think the a book about literature and it's politicisation in that era is an untapped market. Liked the Cuba bits. Excellent concept.

Charles Bunton wrote 559 days ago

I have no wish to contest the historical accuracy of your book but I do find some of the dialogue unnaturally stilted and impossible to reconcile with the spoken word! It's as if the writer is using the characters to convey background information to the reader instead of filtering it through in the manner of realistic conversation. Just my impression.
Best wishes
Stewart

JamesRevoir wrote 592 days ago

Hello:

I read the first several chapters of The Butterfly and the Wheel and thoroughly enjoyed the story. It grabs the reader's attention quickly and continues to move along at a good pace; moreover, it provides a readable historical primer as to what was going on in the minds of the Russian people during the Bolshevik Revolution.

May this book find a publisher to launch you to your writing dreams.

James Revoir

rommyo wrote 595 days ago

I like this one. In terms of craftsmanship, there's maybe turns of phrase occasionally seeming very slightly stilted, but it sort of suits a general "Russianness." Otherwise it's very well-done.

I can imagine the overall high concept of the book being synonymous with "ME MAKE NO MONEY" in the minds of today's sophisticated publishing professionals, sadly. I'm not sure if that's a valid or interesting "critique," but it might be holding you back from fulfilling dreams of filthy lucre.

Catherine Edmunds wrote 608 days ago

Cover art: it's red. Hard to say much else about it. Okay, it's clearly the most appropriate colour you could have used, and it's better than a badly drawn butterfly and wheel would have been, but it's too conceptual for its own good.

Title: good.

Short pitch: very good. Makes me interested to read on.

Long pitch: too long. I get the impression you've summarised the entire book here, rather than enticing me with possibilities. I'd re-think this.

Chapter one. Not the greatest of opening sentences. I would definitely delete 'The struggling young writer'. Presumably the text is going to show that he's a struggling young writer, so you don't need to state it so blandly right at the start. Too much description of the hair. If it's long, it wouldn't just poke out, it would be going everywhere. I'd just go for tufts of hair rather than long hair as it's a more interesting and descriptive phrase. Don't bother with the colour unless it's going to be vital to the plot. Readers prefer to make up their own minds as to what colour everyone's hair is. Drop 'smoky frozen thickness' for the river. You really don't need it. The reader, at the start of a novel, wants stuff happening, not a detailed description of everything. That can come later. His internal monologue is good, but I would drop the last sentence of the paragraph.

You don't need to describe Lev as wearing a 'good quality fur coat and hat'. It's winter. It's by the Neva. Of course he's wearing a fur coat and hat. You could just describe him as being 'well-dressed' or ideally, leave out the description all together. It's not needed here, as I'm sure it's not vital for the plot. And talking of coats, you don't need to describe Ivan's coat as a threadbare winter coat. Okay, keep the threadbare, but winter is entirely superfluous. Generally speaking, I think you need to go through and ask yourself whether all the detailed descriptions are needed. At the very least, limit yourself to no more than one adjective per noun, and preferably try to find a noun that is sufficiently descriptive that you don't need the adjective at all - tricky when it comes to coats, true, but there are words for coat that are descriptive in themselves (greatcoat, overcoat, raincoat).

I like the dialogue: the way at first they're not really talking to each other but rather throwing opinions around. Very realistic. They 'tune in' to each other's words after a bit, and this works well.

Beware of being vague. For example: 'He despised these new revolutionary-types who seemed to have sprung up like corpses in some Gogolian fable' would to my mind be stronger and more immediate as: 'He despised these new revolutionary-types who were springing up like corpses in some Gogolian fable'. Then in the next paragraph you have 'some sort of ruckus'. I'd drop the 'some sort of'.

If everything you have posted here really is the entire chapter one, then it's miles too long. If section one is the actual chapter one, then it's too short, and section two (Chapter two?) is even shorter. It's little more than an episode. And talking of length, you have a 'long, uncomfortable pause'. Drop the long. Just have an uncomfortable pause. Better style. I like the way Turgenovsky holds his tongue rather than telling the other characters exactly what he thinks of their politics. This gives us more insight into his character than any amount of ranting would have done.

Regarding chapter length, I would have run chapters (sections?) one and two together, perhaps with a line of asterisks between to show the change of scene. The current section two ends with an excellent hook, so it would be a great way to end a first chapter.

General impression of all I've read so far: you are great on dialogue and characterisation and your historical research looks impeccable as far as I can tell. On the downside, you're over fond of unnecessary descriptions and are sometimes not as direct as you could be. Assuming you have the entire manuscript in one Word document, trying doing a global search for the word 'seems'. I bet you use it dozens of times. It's one of those words that rarely justifies its inclusion in literary writing. Also check your adjectives. If you have to use them, make sure they're good ones. 'long' is not a good adjective. Go for precision; only use modifiers that couldn't possibly refer to anything else.

Assuming the plotting is consistently good throughout, you have a book with great potential here in my view. Very best of luck with it.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 609 days ago

We have a big read here, straight in the deep end! You work a huge canvas with great courage. Not enough of us have strength for that, and literature is poorer for it, because I love a big, well written book.

Can your artists' introversions be trimmed a bit? Your "young man angst" is realistic though rather self conscious, as young men are, it is true. I admire you for taking on such a complicated setting and making it work. Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

a.morrison712 wrote 613 days ago

This was a little outside of my genre, but it was still an interesting read. I made it through Chapter 1 and was hooked almost from the very beginning. No major grammatical or writing errors that I saw, but I'm not an expert. I love your long pitch too. I think the short pitch could grab the reader a little more than it does now though, it seems almost academic at the moment. In general, very well done. I am giving you high stars and will be back for another chapter when it's not so late! :)

Best,

Ashley

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