Eternium

dont use accents, id like to see the edited version...

Hi Michael. Here’s the long awaited crit from me. As with all my other crits, do take everything with a big pinch of salt. These are just my views, and you can agree or disagree with any or all of them. Please don’t hesitate to bite back on my own scribbles. I’ve gone through the first chapter. It’s quite long and I had quite a few comments.

1. Just jumping in: you have “during the last great war” and “during the cold war” in the first sentence. As the scene is set in the Real World by such references and by the reference to the Russians, this is really confusing. Are you referring to a great war AFTER the cold war? If so, that needs to be clear, as I was lost from the very start, which is not good. You’ve got to grab your reader in this day of short attention spans. We get an idea that this tale is in the future from the kid’s games further on in the chapter, but even then it’s not clear.

2. “govn’ment”, “good ole”: the rest of your paragraphs aren’t written to reflect accent, so this jars. I get it that this is way Great-granddad (give him a name!) referred to the Government, and that’s a nice idea, but we could do to hear a little more of his voice, otherwise this seems out of place.

3. I take it Dougan is the name of the family involved. Again, this could do with being made very clear. It’s explained further down by Mum, but that’s a long gap.

4. He got planning permission for the dig? I thought he distrusted the “govn’ment”. And he wouldn’t get it anyway: you can’t mess around with foundations. The other basements suggest a clandestine tradition too.

5. I think you need to find another way of naming your basements. Sub 1, Sub 2, that just feels too impersonal. It’s a family tradition, so why not name the basements after each generation, to mark their success?

6. You need to work a little on your MC’s voice. He reads very young in some places but reads quite adult elsewhere (is he reminiscing?), or at least he is using words that don’t fit with a kid (“beheld”) and such inconsistency makes it difficult to identify with him. Especially if this novel is aimed at a YA market. The style really needs to fit with the age of the narrator, to make the experience more immediate for the reader. Henry’s exclamation “in search of the water and nutrients any plants living this deep underground might need to survive” is a case in point. No kid would say that. Sorry. Just no. Henry might marvel at how the root broke through the wall, see some water and then be amazed and delighted when he puts two and two together. But he will not spout explanations like a talking textbook. “saturate” is not a word a kid would use either. Or “gargantuan”. Or “lest they”. You get my drift.

7. I’m not usually hung up on grammar, but you need to look at some of your phrasing again. And also use apostrophes a little more: “mother’s”, “mum’s”, “politician’s”. And exclamation marks a little less. There are a few typos here and there.

8. “stated affirmatively”: uh, no. “ordered”?

9. “Marideth”? not Meredith?

10. A strange kid appears in a basement – can’t have come from anywhere as we’re underground here – and Henry just forgets about that episode until he goes to bed? And he tells no-one, not even his root-hiding co-conspirators? No, that’s not right. A real re-jig is needed there.

11. I would have thought Henry was old enough the respect a hydro farm, especially if there ever was a need to have one. So his urge to pet the root seems a little ... bizarre. But it would not be strange for Randy to ask the same question as Henry as to what the root was. I’m struggling to find the reactions of the kids natural. In my view, young boys would have attacked the root, pretending it was some kind of dastardly alien. Or is that just my dissolute youth?

12. Navigating bratwursts and plates in possession of peas ... word choice issues there. Going for style is all very good but make sure it works before you do.

13. I think you should separate out the dream sequence into a new chapter. It’s a good point to break.

14. Is it a plain (open) or a field (enclosed)? You have “field’s edge” so you don’t need “flanked”, or vice-versa. Or “line” for that matter. E.g.: “It was flanked [on one side] by a forest.” Or “It was edged [on one side] by a forest.” You’ve already mentioned “as far as the eye can see”. This would allow you to say more about the forest perhaps. Is it dark? Impenetrable? Foreboding? We find out a bit later, but that’s a break between first showing the reader the forest and then describing it.

15. Within one sentence, stick to one actor. The moon stands and watches, so the clouds it watches should be blown by the wind(passive) rather than introducing another actor in the wind. Don’t avoid the passive voice for the sake of it.

16. “not so distant bodies flickered distantly” I think this is a good example of where you need to tighten up your style. I think you have a tendency to throw lots of ideas at the page and see what sticks. You need to develop flow and logic in your descriptions and word choices. Think of music. You should aim to create harmonies in words. Reading aloud helps. A logical and consistent flow can reduce the number of words used to achieve an effect and can immerse the reader a lot more than a more frantic assemblage of images.

17. Did the path lead away from the forest or into it? Ok, that’s just semantics, but it is a serious point. Everything needs to be described from your MC’s perspective, because that’s where you want to place the reader. The path leads from his feet into the forest, never the other way.

18. Whoa, your MC’s shouldn’t be aware he’s in a dream should he?

19. Is the figure in the subterranean chamber the strange kid that appeared in the basement or similar to him? That would help a little.

20. Now you find your stride. You have a wonderfully portentous voice in your mysterious figure. I can see that you are far more comfortable with this sort of language than Henry’s. “many miles of ruin at your back”: absolutely wonderful!

21. Henry’s answers to the riddles are very good – but utterly out of character. Has he suddenly aged 10 years or more?

22. The following bit should again be in a chapter of its own. How on earth is that root not being discovered? Those basements are crawling with adults according to early parts of the chapter.

23. Henry does not seem to be overly disturbed by hearing children’s voices in the cellar? Now that disturbs me. What he does find strange is the behaviour itself (giggles then hush). But I don’t find it strange. I find that behaviour natural to children. Any anyway, why is Henry being a judge of strangeness when he still plays monster hide and seek. There are too many inconsistencies here, which strip away the suspension of belief that is essential to fantasy. This does need a good spit and polish.

24. Whoa! How did they suddenly zoom from Red Wolf Woods into Sub3? Isn’t anyone dizzy? And what purpose did the trip to Red Wolf Woods have then?

25. Isn’t anyone in the slightest bit bothered by the opening up of a tunnel in the wall amidst the tangles of an ever so slightly scary root? That just doesn’t chime.

Overall, I think there are wondrous possibilities in this tale, but I have a feeling that a lot of work is needed to give it a flow and consistent pace. I don’t want to be negative in that respect, as that’s just a matter of disciplined editing rather than anything else, but there’s a need for some work. Please don’t just mull these points over, do let me know what you think on the Alliance thread.

Best of luck with this, TRM.

Had a super-rapid skim through chapter two - the first tweak should be to remove *all* of the adverbs you use to describe the dialogue, eg asked tentatively excitedly etc - also 'said in a pleading voice' kind of explanations for the reader (who may well feel a little patronised that you're spelling it out for him) - if the dialogue isn't good enough on its own to not require these props, then you're boned - your dialogue seems strong enough without them, from what I did speed read. Hope this helps. s-m

Dear Michael, I love that Henry & his friends, as you said in your pitch, are trying to get home. :) Your tight paragraphs & dialogue zoomed me through their adventure & the shadow elves were something else :) - so was "The Unmade." :) Glad the Lormayans helped. :) I have read & commented on & put your book on my watchlist to back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs book in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 11 hours later :)