The Light Chronicles

i don't believe that "smiled evilly" works

It would be best if you showed some delay between the call for AAA and their appearance, remember its a barren wasteland.

I believe that "Willow glared at her mothers fiery red hair" as it's not entirely clear if Willow or the mother is so endowed.

+ point, i like the banter and its certianly heading in the right direction

Hi,

Thanks for the help. I will look it over when I get the chance. I do agree that the AAA should take a while to get there. It's " Willow glared at her mother. Her(meaning Willows) fiery red hair..."

Thanks for all the encouragement.
Britt

i don't believe that "smiled evilly" works

It would be best if you showed some delay between the call for AAA and their appearance, remember its a barren wasteland.

I believe that "Willow glared at her mothers fiery red hair" as it's not entirely clear if Willow or the mother is so endowed.

+ point, i like the banter and its certianly heading in the right direction

This is a promising work - a few missed words and minor errors that will be easy to tidy up - (shriek yell vs shrill yell or just shriek) As you say, this is a draft/work in progress. A little more detail, such as what model of 1968 station wagon, would give that touch more grounding for the story. You give us visual imagery consistently. Perhaps this could be balanced with a bit more tactile, olfactory, aural.

A warm welcome to Authonomy and I look forward to seeing how you work up your story.

Farrold Saxon. (Where-Stand-All - also a work in progress)

Your fantasy for young adults is well written and you have created a most memorable main character in Will. The dialogue is solid and realistic and the pace of your story flows well. Your intended audience should enjoy this book. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Britt, I love that your pitch was so concise to prepare me for Willow's problems & solutions. :) Tight paragraphs & dialogue brought me quickly through chapter 5. :) I smiled when Lucas brushed her hand & she felt her heart melt :) - that made me smile & brought tears. ;( Ah, to have all of those days again (I'm 70 with an abusive husband) ;( - but I pray a lot & God has given me a lot of friends. :) I was happy for Will that she had Casey. :) Great write!! :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also ****** 'd your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs book in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ****** 'ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)

Willow is a bit harsh, even for a teen. A few typos. May need to look at re-structuring a few sentences, but other than that, an interesting read. Backed and rated.

Cat
"Twisted"
"Lies & Love"

You say it is a rough draft, but well done for posting it. Very clear and with a sense of place.

Hi Britt, love your opening chapter. Very visual. I'm just a mere scriptwriter jumping into the ocean of novel writing for the first time, so I'm not much of a critic, however I can spot a terrific journey - and you've started a pretty good one. Dialogue is crisp, swift, and altogether believable. Happily backed! (I lived in Nevada for awhile, your location visuals seem pretty okay to me!) :-)

blessings,
Jim
jack & charmian london

interesting. being from nevada, i was waiting to see exactly where you placed your town in the state, but in the five chapters, i didn't have a sense of location. as to the story, willow is a little unsympathetic as a MC.

depending how big you imagine your town, twenty minutes for a pizza is wishful thinking. in my town of 1000 people give or take, it takes from 30-40 minutes. =D maybe if it's reno or vegas or maybe even fallon you can get a twenty minute pizza.

other than that, it's a good read.

me

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 13 hours later :)