Growing Up Carrera

I really like your story. It needs work, tho, but I think it is worthy of the rewrites. People love to read these kinds of stories. It takes us all back to our childhood.

D. S. Hale

Hola Bill,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

First, I apologize for your book has been on my swap list for too long. Sometimes, life just gets in the way.

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central characters. The endearing ebbs and flows of their daily lives as they go about reconciling the the wishes with the pauses....

......and as they do....their grace shows.

For this is a very Latin American narrative in it's ambition...in the sense that is does not focus on the big dramatic events....

.......but on the daily whispers

......and is that endearing quality of the daily life....

...what makes you story a wonder to read


Some of my favorites:

"or paw over paw"

"most upper body strength"

"mice would come and live indoors with us"

"Did you know we are not Jewish?"
I am still laughing...only because I am Latino...and Jewish

"drool chocolate"
funny...

"something about the broom handle...."

"Paul, I'll give you South America if you don't attack me"

"Maybe that's why we got a tv"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describes...the reader feels

for ex: "the poor attendant was confused"
Instead: "the poor attendant looked up then down, not knowing what"
there, the reader gets confused...with the character

"obviously enjoyed" "figured out exactly" "Fully (1) expecting (2)"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Bill,
I had to read this as a native Chicagoan myself (actually north burbs). You have a great approach to this that is truly entertaining. I liked: either the mice were brave or stupid, you lost an hour of your life going to the grocery store, and how Rachael wanted to be Jewish. My sister wanted this, as well, and in her adult years became a rabbi. Even if I didn't know the lay of the land, your style makes this a good read. In my book, Walk to Paradise Garden, I utilize Chicago history (50s and 60s): Maxwell Street, Skokie, Little Italy and downtown. I am giving this 6 stars and placing it on my WL for now.
JBCampbell (now a Wisconsinite)

Hi Bill, love the genre. Looking forward to reading! On WL for now.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Growing up Carrera - Very often thoughts and the long-handled spoon we use to stir the organic pot containing memories, does not bring them to the surface in linear lines.
The author has a patchwork of situations and events that portray childhood experiences many readers will easily relate to and tells them as if he is speaking directly to the reader. Rather than a memoir, the author's family will undoubtedly cherish, I feel this would work better in fictionalized form with the narrative told by interaction rather than explanation.
I understand why the author has begun with his much younger sister Rachel, which says a great deal about him and his love for her. However, the story of Rachel choosing the scrawny, ailing hamster is such a good hook and says so much about her kind heart and sense of fair play in just a few brief words, is where I would suggest the book should begin. Family structure and hierarchy could be woven in between following events such as the homemade contraption to trap field mice, who have moved into the house to avoid a cold winter, and the ghoulish suspense of small boys waiting on the sofa could be expanded to greater effect. This could also apply to the bona fide mousetraps around the house and the successional Jack's accidentally sad demise.
The game of Risk - for readers who do not know the game, this passage might be confusing but it does demonstrate the cleverness of twins, Mark and Paul, in knowing that working together they can knock Billy out of the game. But what happened when that had been accomplished? They would either have had to attack one another to finish the game properly or called it a draw. The author doesn't tell the reader. Covert TV watching and cunning tactics employed by the children both while their father is sleeping or is groggy at having just woken, shows just how inventive and knowing children are. Chapter Three, money - being outsmarted by the twins and getting revenge, eventually - priceless!

Child - Atramentus Speaks

broken-armed cousin

The mouse trap scene was very engaging--all the way through Jack's demise--each incarnation. It offered insight to the family and was funny. It did more for me than all the preceding paragraphs put together, which made me wonder if you should cut a bit so we come to that scene sooner.

Great hook at the end of ch 1.

This really starts working once we get to some plot--the mouse traps. So colorful.

Thanks. Every bit helps. I am looking at removing some of the open narrative and maybe working it into a prologue of some sorts to give more background about the family. The other option I am looking at is to spread it out over the first few chapters. You have given me much to think about.

Bill

broken-armed cousin

The mouse trap scene was very engaging--all the way through Jack's demise--each incarnation. It offered insight to the family and was funny. It did more for me than all the preceding paragraphs put together, which made me wonder if you should cut a bit so we come to that scene sooner.

Great hook at the end of ch 1.

This really starts working once we get to some plot--the mouse traps. So colorful.

please read some of my book and let me know what you think. feedback is welcome.


blueboy

Thats exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much. I will take a look at your book, which is now third on my list.

bill

"Are you sure," he said, scooping up the scrawniest hamster I had ever scene.

This line, paraphrased from one of yours, really wants to be your first line (in my opinion). I edited it from the first linein your narrative that has a stand alone hook intrinsic to it. I think this is where you should start you story. Start with a hook the pulls the reader into the story, then weave the backstory in. Your voice is not strong enough, in my opinion, to carry so much narration; consequently your narrative is lost under weight of it, and never finds its legs. Shoot for a more active voice, and start with an interssting hook that pulls the reader in and makes them want to learn more about what the heck is going on. lol When yo have them, then they will not mind the the mass of details, but you must spoon it out to them by weaving more action in along the way. all and all a very interesting premise and voice. i enjoyed it very much or i would not have bothered to comment on your manuscript, so please do not be offended. this is really good but could be much better with a polished structure. hope this feedback is helpful. i will read more. please read some of my book and let me know what you think. feedback is welcome.


blueboy

A wonderful tale of growing up that everyone can identify with, and it made me smile to see the whole pet experience written so well. Humorous, well written, and a nice hook at the end of the first chapter. Anyone who has had rabbits can verify that if you buy a pair, you will soon have thirty!

No nitpicks. A delightful read!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Bill, I love the your pitch prepared me for your story of growing up in Chicago :) - I have my memoirs on authonomy, too. :) It was so great that you took me along in your story to feel what you were feeling :) - it was almost like I was there, too, all the way through chapter 5. :) Great write. :) I've read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also ****** 'd your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ****** 'ing & backing moves our books closer to the editors' desk. :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 5 hours later :)