BIG DREAMS & BROKEN HEARTS

Imran, I thank you for being one of the first persons to contact me, and for the opportunity to read your book. I just finished the first chapter, and I find it just isn't for me. How many times has an editor said that to me, only they send a form letter and say "It just isn't for us." Why? I've always wondered. What's wrong with it?
But even though I'm not going to read further I do have a couple comments. I don't like Antoinette, nothing about her, except maybe her looks: They sound fabulous, even with a protruding stomach. In fact, I think pregnant women are beautiful. The thing is even though she's upset and even angry there should be something about her to "like," and, so far, to me, there isn't. Maybe, during her heated phone conversation, something Carrie says could remind her of having a kitty in her childhood and how upset she was when it died, just some little thing to make her likeable, earlier than sometime in future chapters.
Also, I thought the phone converation went on longer than it would have in a real life situation.
You do have control of your words, though, and I like your mechanics.

I've read through three chapters and it shows a lot of promise.
I don't like Antoinette so far, I can understand some one not wanting to have a baby, but to be as negative about it as she is, is a quality I don't like in people. I only mention because being I think being able to identify with the characters is important - but there are plenty people out there who will be able to identify with her.
The characters seem very real to me, I found my self genuinely worried about what might happen to a newborn child that doesn't exist, disliking a person I can't meet and thinking "So typically male" about a man who exists only in words.
I loved how real the pregnancy seems.

Hey Imran,

Just read the first couple of chapters of your work and I think this has some real promise. Your writing is at it's best when you get intimate with the characters - when they are emotional -your writing is strong and I can picture them clearly and there is real mood in the writing. For me chapter two is stronger than chapter one -the characters jump off the page more and have a bit more uniqueness. In chapter one, I think Antoinette's character and her situation may be unique -just the setting and the dialogue seemed a bit soap operalike -not so natural. I liked the hook at the end though -and wonder about her plans with the baby. I liked the meeting with Gabby and Jemma -could feel the chemistry there and you described them both really well.
A couple of small things to polish:
1. A few typos in chapter one "sayig" and chapter 2 "appreciating" should be "appreciate"
2. The speech marks I think should be single so ' not " - I made the same slip but was told by a manuscript editor.
I'd also say go through again and try to look at your descriptions and make them unique -the rush at the tube station was good -other areas bring the same unique perspective -makes it more interesting.

Overall some rich promise here.
Highly starred
best,
Kaal Kaczmarek

I like the way you begin with a strong emotion. It helps us see your main character immediately and make that connection. I think we’ve all been in a similar situation before where we’ve felt angry yet helpless at the same time.

You do a good job with characterization in this opening chapter. The boss comes off as condescending, calling her “love” and “girl” while simultaneously stripping her of her dream. You also make Antoinette sympathetic. Even as a male, I found her easy to relate to.

I’m also interested to see where this goes with the baby. The fact she’s upset with the baby, calling it nothing but trouble could make for an intriguing plotline when the baby is born. I hope this becomes a story of revival, of exceeding her dreams in a way she never thought possible.

Suggestions: I’d consider not using all caps for your title. It’s a bit off-putting. I’d see if you could work a bit more showing, rather than telling into your opening chapter. Sentences such as “She was on the phone talking…” and “It was proving difficult to keep…” don’t help your reader enter into the story. In fact, I believe this is the one area you can improve the most.

Typos: In dialogue tags when indicating speech (said, argued, asked, etc), you need a comma instead of a period. For example: “…affect my performance at all,” Antoinette argued. Should be “promise,” not “promised.” Fulltime is one word. You’re missing a word in “You’re not going change your mind…” Should be “give a hoot” not “gave a hoot.” “baby-faced” should be hyphenated since it’s two words serving as one adjective.

This is a solid start. Mostly, right now, it just needs to be polished and edited. You have the story, characters, and the ability to write. With a few more drafts, I could see this being a very strong piece of writing.

Hi Imran,

As promised, I took a look.

You have a great hook, and I was sucked in immediately. You have a nice fluid style that kept me reading and interested. And you do a really good job of characterization. I felt I was getting to know Antoinette pretty quickly. Good stuff.

I do some have suggestions for making it stronger. I think the conversation between Carrie and Antoinette goes on too long. There's a lot of repeitition,and it slowed me down.

I also found some spelling and grammatical errors. It should read "her anger and frustration were" not was. And breathe instead of breath. "made you a promised." Please proofread carefully - mistakes take the reader out of the story and you don't want that.

I am a firm believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell" and you have some telling. Examples: expensively decorated bedroom. Describe it, let us feel and see it. You tell us in the same paragraph "Antoinette was the embodiment of feminine beauty...belonged on a fashion magazine." I think both of those statements are unnecessary, as you've done a fine job of describing her beauty. Don't tell us what you showed us.

Finally, I have one comment about the premise. I am American, not British, but in the States, what Carrie did to Antoinette would probably be grounds for a lawsuit. I realize, there goes your whole premise, but I wonder if an employer could get away with passing over a qualified pregnant person to whom a job was promised without being sued.

You are a really strong writer, and I know you can make this really sing with a few tweaks. I'm giving you a bounty of stars and watch listing for now, as my shelf is committed. Hope this helps.

All best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

Hi Imran

Really enjoyable read here. I liked the pitch and the opening was good. Like the twist on her not being over the moon about her pregnancy. You use metaphors really well too.

I read three chapters and I just have a few comments which you can take or leave :)

You had some repitition of words close together - so for example, where you have 'Thank you, I would really appreciate that Carrie. I would really appreciate that.' I would remove the last sentence.

I liked the link between the project being her baby and then finding out a week later she was going to have a baby. If it were me, I'd highlight the 'have' make it italic, as personally I think it would add more impact.

Finally, I thought at times it was a bit too wordy, so as an example where you're talking about Gabby's friends coming over for the football game, I would remove the word 'game'. Either leave it as just 'football', or add 'match' afterwards. The word 'game' jarred a little.

But I think you have something really good here, and I liked your writing style. You do have some typo's etc, but these can be picked up easily with a good edit.

Silva

I really enjoyed this. A good start, certainly a different slant to start with the MC’s resentment of her unborn child.
I like your description of Antoinette. You give us plenty of description about her appearance without ever overloading the reader with information. I have a clear image in my head.
I was very hooked into this from just the first few sentences. I only have time to read the first chapter. You know how it is here – so many books, so little time. But I honestly like where this is heading so I will be back for more.

Janny

You have a powerful hook of an opening. You gracefully lead the reader into the opening of the conflict. The argument over the phone is so convincing. Antoinette sounds really selfish. I really can't see her being a good mother. You also did a good job describing her looks. Fix up the minor grammar errors and this will be ace.

(re: pitch, ch.1-3)
The storyline of Big Dreams and Broken Hearts rocks. The characters all come off as real people and the contemporary dialogue between them is right on point. At first I was a bit thrown off by the ominiscient POV, but once I got it, I got it. The author's writing style is very easy to read.

Here are a couple of places to tweak: 1) There are odd direction patterns for many of the quotation marks, making it a little confusing to tell what is dialogue and what is narration. Also, correcting any punctuation or typos would give this manuscript a polished look before it reaches the ED.

That said, this story is certainly entertaining and merits attention as a fine contemporary novel.

Thank you dear for backing my "Destined to Triumph". I will do rounds of perusing through your piece and do likewise. Stay blessed.

You have a strong, well written and enjoyable story. I guess it's a situation a lot of women can relate to. Well done. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

Hi. I only had time to brows through your work. While I'm not much into romance, I found the story interesting and plan to return for more reading and a detailed comment. As I’m very much pressed for time, tell me which chapter you want me to pay special attention to.
Meanwhile, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? I will appreciate it.
Dan

Dear Imran,

This is an entertaining book. There is a closeness which you have with your characters in writing about them that is different than being disengaged. The characters are very well drawn and I like them too. The style is light and smooth to hear in my mind's ear. Its one of the best pieces I've read here. Thanks for sharing it.

Have a nice evening,

Billy McBride

Hey Imran!

I read your first chapter and I have only minor pieces of advice that might help you get your book a higher rank, such as ‘capitalize words when they must be capitalized’, ‘revise punctuation marks where it needs revising’. I know you wish to tell the story, not make a fuss about some unnecessary details, but exactly these unnecessary details show the readers that you do care about your book, however irksome editing might be.

As for the contents, they show there’s a deep message that you crave for sharing with the reader, and it’s praiseworthy. Way to go!

Good luck with you book!

Ivan
The Beholder

I just laughed out loud to the below comment :-)

Anyway, you deal with a lot of issues which people can relate with and you'd have a wide audience. Nice pitch and the story flows very well. Starred.

Imram,
Well, I almost felt pregnant at the end of chapter one. Nice job with the set up of this story. Interesting premise. I think you have talent.
Cheers!
JBCampbell

Rawan,

I could instantly see that Antoinette's passion for her work was going to be a problem. Never being pregnant before :P, I wouldn't know what it's like to have a kid or be pregnant with one, but it's obvious that it isn't a good thing when all you're thinking about is how much of a burden your unborn baby is and you haven't even started your life with it yet!
The mention of Andy was a nice turn around at the end, the first chapter hooking but slowly sinking Antoinette into a depression of what she seems to think as a faliure. So the possible mention of a somewhat happy ending after all of the stuff in her life has gone on and calmed down was something to look forward to.
Some spelling mistakes and gramatical errors, i.e. quotation marks and punctuation. It's a hassle to go back through the story and revise it on here, but well worth it in the end. :^)

Best of luck,
Hannah
"Approaching Dusk"

I had time for chapter 1 today. I think this is a good start, setting up your main character and her situation. Everything she seems to live for is her job, and I can see her sinking into depression already, the pregnancy no doubt making matters worse. Losing her job to her rival is even more of a blow.

I like the mention of Andy. Is he a future possibility in the romance stakes? Maybe. He sounds like an interesting character already with the mention of Afghanistan.

There were only a couple nitpicks I could find, minor grammar points. 1) Swap the fullstops for commas just before the last speechmark. eg. ...the baby won't affect my performance at all." Antoinette argued. It should be: ...at all," Antoinette argued. 2) Capitalise the start of the dialogue. You've done it for some, but not all. Also, the dialogue tags are facing the wrong way on some with a space. I know I'm being picky, but as said before, the main thing is these are minor things that can be easily changed.

That's all for now. All the best - Marita.

Hey Rawan! Immediately upon reading this, I got wrapped up in Antoinette's emotion. It's VERY easily felt and it's something I bet a whole lot of people can connect with.

A couple things that bothered me though: I think at some points you run into a bit too much of backstory to characters. I read somewhere that agents get super annoyed if the first chapter is laden with too much character backstory, so that's just something to think about. I think you could maybe introduce characters in a more "instant" way rather than reverting to "she was a good friend, who did this, and did that, etc."

Also, you might want to read through this just to proofread some nitpicky errors, like quotations in the wrong place, and so on.

But anyways, this sounds like a great story, even if the genre isn't my thing, I think a LOT of people will enjoy this. Best of luck! Starred and backed. :)

Imran - a good start to what promises to be a good story. I just retired and I can't tell you how real that story sounds; in any industry. That alone will hook a lot of people. You have a nice voice and your dialogue is natural. There are a couple of things, though, that you should be aware of. Capitalization, you miss a lot, but that's nothing that a good editor can catch. What's more important, though, is your tendency to over dramatize. There is some, not a lot, of superfluous description there. Be careful of getting into too much detail that doesn't directly support the story. Years ago that would have been fine, but today, people are more interested in a streamlined approach. It's funny how things change.

I'm writing my first novel as well; an experiment in first person writing. My book is A PLACE IN LIFE and I would appreciate it if you could take a look at a chapter or two and let me know what you think.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi Imran,

I enjoyed the first two chapters. You clearly have talent as a storyteller and the story itself has the makings of a compelling read. Your knowledge of the places and themes in the story also puts your story on a strong footing.

In terms of constructive feedback and areas for improvement, I agree with many of the points already made below. There are a number of recurring themes and in my view, good advice. You need to ease back on the description, simplify your dialogue tags, use a more conventional format for your dialogue, 'show not tell' and generally pare back the exposition.

I think you are at that stage (like most of us) where you need to develop your craft as a writer. This will come from getting feedback on here (and most importantly applying it where you think it has merit), reading published books in your genre (not as a reader, but as a student, looking out for structure, format, punctuation rules, dialogue tags, use of adverbs and description), reading books on here as a reviewer (I often see flaws in books here that apply to my own writing, and that helps me a lot).

There's lots to like here and I hope you are encouraged to keep writing and keep editing!

Best wishes,

Terry

Imran, From your pitch and the first chapter, I feel you have a strong basis for an engaging story. I did, however, notice some instances where description would have been more enjoyable than being told--the expensive room for example. I'm also not sure how Antoinette's being model-perfect fits in her story. Does she regret losing her shape to the pregnancy? Does her husband now find her imperfect? Perhaps such thoughts could foreshadow the affair. I also felt the opening dialogue was a bit repetitive as she and her boss basically say the same thing back and forth a few times. I also think the mention of the friend's return from duty might be an opportune place to show how self-absorbed Antoinette is at the moment. A respectable start, I thought, which can only sustain the reader's interest even more with eradicating a few bumps. Best of luck.

Imran, From your pitch and the first chapter, I feel you have a strong basis for an engaging story. I did, however, notice some instances where description would have been more enjoyable than being told--the expensive room for example. I'm also not sure how Antoinette's being model-perfect fits in her story. Does she regret losing her shape to the pregnancy? Does her husband now find her imperfect? Perhaps such thoughts could foreshadow the affair. I also felt the opening dialogue was a bit repetitive as she and her boss basically say the same thing back and forth a few times. I also think the mention of the friend's return from duty might be an opportune place to show how self-absorbed Antoinette is at the moment. A respectable start, I thought, which can only sustain the reader's interest even more with eradicating a few bumps. Best of luck.

Your characters and locations are credible and well drawn. You know the places, you know the people, and you let me see them too. Now your writing needs pruning down - a lot - from the initial slabs of description. I'd cut out the obvious statements and the repeated information that make me skip-read to get to the action. (Tidy up punctuation as you go, too. No spaces inside quotation marks, for instance, and capital letters to start dialogue.) Good luck.

Its good....i do agree with EltopiaAuthor, you should make it more obvious as to how it was expensively decorated...so far its good....but its not the type of book i like to read..but its good :) ill finish it since i already starting reading ^_^

May I offer a suggestion: In your opening paragraphy, rather than stating that the bedroom was expensively decorated, you might try describing the bedroom in such as way that it is obvious to the reader, without being told so, that the decorations are expensive. Think visually, what would you see in an expensively decorate bedroom that you would not see, perhaps, in a modestly furnished bedroom? That should get you off on the right foot of "showing" rather than telling. Best wishes. FEL

Imran -

Big Dreams&Broken Hearts - It took a while to come round to this, but I've now read three chapters. Antoinette's huge disappointment comes over well but the sence could be shortened to make it even sharper. I didn't find her physical description interesting, unless the mag-cover-girl-look is intended. Just my view. The dialogue sections work well and the pacing is good and the story promises lots of drama. Here some notes I made while reading ... 'Look, I know I made you a promise(d) ... Evil, conniving bitch ... I'd leave out ... she thought ... at the end, it's obvious. The paragraph starting with Jodie Robertson has repeated words you could do without ... biggest ... and ... company ... fiercest competion might do. Later ... that almost bordered on hatred ... bordered says it, no need for almost. Just things that slowed my reading, which you could look at during your next edit. The nits don't take away from the good story so :) Pia
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Imran,
I read your first two chapters and slid, smooth as jello, right into your story. The characters you've drawn are easy to care for and I can see the plot developing. I would read on just to see how the characters do. You've made them that real. I, also, felt your descriptions of Edinburgh and walking through the city excellent. Best of luck with this. I'll shelve this soon.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Extremely good opening chapter. How true is it that children have the uncanny ability to mess up even the best laid plans.....lol. I liked the part of her friend returning from the war (which is where i'll be back to soon enough....lol) looking foward to reading more as andy is someone i can probably relate to. Great writing.

imran, i read the first chapter and am going to settle down to read more tomorrow. it's very well written and i feel the pathos of antoinette's ambivalence; you've brought that out nicely. i've given you a high star rating, based on what i read so far, and you're on my watchlist!

Hey,

Oooh this is sooooo easy to get into. You mix a lot of relevent stuff into your first few chapters, the conflict between motherhood and careers, the returning soldier...all very current, but wont date. This is my kind've story..one I can get my teeth into and really enjoy.

Happily backed.

Bev,
Love Overboard & Betrayal

Greetings Imran, Reading your novel with much pleasure. It's a well-written human interest story that deserves to be widely read, and I'll gladly back it. Please take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic love story on a background of country medicine during the Great Depression in America. Best of luck with "Big Dreams . . . ," Bill

this has a fast pace and flows well; good luck with the book !

I just finished with the first chapter of Big dreams and Broken hearts. The writing is smooth and thus far appears polished. You have managed to acquaint the reader to the MC using just a bit of inner dialogue, and descriptions of her surroundings. I could easily picture her in my mind.
The writing is so clean it is difficult to offer much advice, there really isn't anything that jumps out at me. That being said, your MC, although well-described, does not draw me in emotionally. I felt pretty neutral about her, didn't like or dislike her . . . and perhaps this was your intention, if not, you might think about elaborating on her back story in order to allow the reader to form a bond with the character.
But like I said, I have only read the first chapter . . . but it certainly is sharp, concise and clean. Well done.
Good luck
Cly (Hybrid)

Big dreams & broken hearts
A good pitch, and the story is enjoyable to read.
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Thank you everyone for the comments, it is really appreciated, this is what I really needed. I actually don't have many friends who can read and critique my work, so I was finding it difficult to know where exactly I should work on a little bit more. I will take all your advice into account. thanks again to everyone. one love...

BIG DREAMS AND BROKEN HEARTS
Hello Rawan,
A big topic you've chosen here, but you cope with it remarkably well. In the first few pages (telephone conversation) you have the dialogue in italics. Why not actually make it proper dialogue - more actually shoing what is happening then the narrator telling us. Abit of an edit needed here.
Your pitch tells us a lot, so we know we're in for an emotional time. This isan't bad - just needs a bit more polish. Good luck
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Hi Rawan,

I think you do a great job at tackling an emotionally-wrought topic with ease and grace. Two things jump out at me that might help. First, you do a lot of "telling", not "showing". For instance, in the phone call between Antoinette and her boss in the first chapter, most of the detail of the conversation is given through narration, when we really should be experiencing this through dialogue. It will help us get to know Antoinette a lot faster and will rely less on omniscient storytelling. Second, you've got a fair amount of capitalization where there shouldn't be, and lowercase letters where they should be capitals. It's nothing a weekend edit couldn't cure, but it did take me out of an otherwise-worthy story now and again.

You're starred, and I'll add you to my queue to be backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

This is quite an emotional ride. Just the kind of stuff I love. You scored on my board. Hope other would find it as good.

thank you,

This is quite an emotional ride. Just the kind of stuff I love. You scored on my board. Hope other would find it as good.