TORBREK...and the Dragon Variation

Hi Lexi,

Well, this is wonderful. I've only read the first chapter so far, but what fantastic, vivid writing you use. I could really visualise everything you were showing me, and the dialogue is just perfect. The piece feels very polished and professional, and the characters are all very well drawn. Tor clearly has room for development throughout the narrative, and I'm curious to see about how the sassy dragon will be received when she takes him back. The idea of the Princess being painfully dull is hilarious, and a certain American socialtie came to mind when you brought her in! Well, apart from the black hair, anyway.

The humour you are using is excellent. I have to admit that, when I read it was fantasy with humour, I thought it would be more crass and slap-stick. I don't know why I thought that, but you have written a piece that's intelligent and exciting.

In your blurb, you say that this is fantasy for non-fantasy lovers, and I have to agree with you. I haven't read much fantasy (any!) since I was a child, and I think what works here is the fact that, despite the surroundings and dragons, there seems to be an emphasis on the universal matter of relationships.

If I had one observation/criticism to make, it would be that I felt the dragon asking Tor to tell the story of her life was a device for you the writer to tell the readers about your protagonist. However, as I read on and realised that he wants to talk because he's so fed up with the dull princess, I realised there was a reason for his questioning. I know this is a finished book, so not sure how much you are looking to amend anything, but I would re-arrange things so that we know why the dragon is asking before the end of the scene.

Anwyay, thank you for the read. I look forward to more.

Hi Lexi,

My brother recommended your book and I read it with keen interest. As a filmmaker I see every story from the eyes of camera. And my judgment is in just one word:
FANTASTIC.

I didn't want to even try this as I normally avoid fantasy at all costs. However, as I began to read a smile soon spread across my face and I quickly realised that I could easily become hooked. The dialogue is excellent, the knights fascinating, the castle enthralling. I want to read more and will continue with much anticipation.

My gosh the imagery was do powerful it's mesmerising

Dear Lexi

I was not on the site when you hit the top, but i would have backed so good a read. congrats just had to say and read some of your work

Denise
The Letter

Dear Lexi, Congrats that you got to the editor's desk. :) Great review. :) Your pitch drew me in & then I saw your gold star & review. :) Hope you are published. :) I backed you other book 81 days ago & I don't know why I missed this one? :) Lots of action, that's for sure :) - your heroine is really a go-getter. :) Would that everyone was as zealous as she :) - what a great world we'd have. :) Hope you write many books :) - also, hope you'll take a moment to back mine. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

TORBREK
I was browsing through books with gold stars (people say on the forum older books here were better) so I stopped to read Torbrek. I liked this a lot. It begins in an amusing way: the dragon is much less frightening than I anticipated. Then Tor tells the dragon her life story. I’m used to reading screenplays so maybe this thought doesn’t apply but in a movie script, a scene like that (two characters sitting talking) is called a “talking heads” scene – and is something to be avoided at all costs. The movie would probably begin with the bad guys sacking her village (get heads up out of popcorn fast) so I’m wondering if that wouldn’t work better here too. Either way, this is a good fantasy story. It has a magical fun tone to it. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I love this - I realize you dont need my support but WOW - no wonder you have kicked ass on this site! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I have been doing research to find out what a book needs to attain your level – Think I might give in now!! May I congratulate you on a superb piece of writing. I quite warmed to the dragon and that simple line “Or you.” Was so telling. Mmm, think I feel a rewrite coming on – Hope you have a deal in the pipeline this deserves it.

I realize you have long since gotten the gold star but I had to comment on thi sstory - you have an incredibl eimagination an da real talent for putting it into words - I hope this has found its way to a publishing house at this point - definitely a book I would buy based on the pitch an dyour vivid descriptive prose and characters are just the right fit! Backing this even though it isn't necessary!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This had me hooked and I like the characters and the dialogue.

Backed.

Andy (Fortitude)

An intriguing read! I loved the originality of the dragon talking like educated nobility, and the princess being dull. Her last line in the first chapter was brilliant. Tor is courageous and sassy in a likable way. Perhaps I might have liked to not know her whole story right from the beginning, but I suspect there is more to be revealed. You are a wonderful writer - your voice is fresh and fun. I will definitely be reading more.
-Lizzie

Harper Collins left you a comment? What can I say after that? I love this! Anything with a dragon in it has got my vote. (Only what does the star mean? Have you already made it to the editor's desk?) Shelved.

Just read chapter one and some of the comments - especially H.C's. If the little I have read is anyting to go by I will thoroughly enjoy my journey through this work. I love having pictures painted in my mind by the words that I read - your writing has the quality to do just that. It is no surprise that this work has achieved such heights on this site - the only surprise will be if it does not go on from here and achieve even greater things. I anticipate experiencing much pleasure as I continue through this book. I will comment as I go. Best wishes with this and your other works Eric.

Marvelously charming! You deserve your star! Shelved, Jedward (Knut)

Marvelously charming! You deserve your star! Shelved, Jedward (Knut)

Very entertaining. I liked the humour and loved the dragon. I didn't think I was a dragonny person, well, an admirer, I mean, I may emulate the human version I'm not sure! This flowed really well. I did notice a few passive sentences and quite a few adverbs. But, I would class this as a literary work and as that entails beautiful descriptions, which you are a master of, then these two, usually, no go's, are acceptable. The work you have put into crafting your writing shows, your point of view is precise and well chosen for your first chapter. I'm only sorry I haven't time to read more. The pace is just right. I am an advocate, though of letting characters tell the information we need in the dialogue, you don't do this, but it doesn't detract from your work, it adds to the humour. I think this one should make it on to the shelves, bookshop shelves, that is. A good first chapter always spells a winner, because it is the hardest one to get right. good luck with placing this, best wishes, Mary.

I know you don't need my backing now you ahve the covetted gold star, but I am backing because I found this humerous and pleasing and wanted to show support.

M&J
GRAEMOR

This is a pretty good book for a light read. It could have a bit more depth like Heart of Rock, but is decent nonetheless. The beginning is hilarious and quite enchanting. It doesnt seem to have the same feel as the rest of the book, though. Probably because it gets more serious, but perhaps you could add a few similar scenes in later on, just for a bit of continuity.
I was ecstatic when it was ascertained that Linet's activities were, in fact, selfish. They were, and she turned out to be an utterly inadmirable character.

But I do like it, as I said.

I find that when I read the Harper Collins reviews they are almost invariably too soft on the criticism, but in this case I agree totally with their comments. This chap reminded me a bit of Patrick Rothfuss mixed with Chris Paolini. It is good at a foundational level: the ideas are there, it's just a case of making this world and these characters more real. Still happy to back this one :)

Wonderful book. I personally think that Harper Collins might be a tad overboard, but that's me. If it hadn't been already selected, I would have read it first. It makes a great lead into Zander.

Hi Lexi,

I enjoyed reading your novel. You have a gift for drawing the reader into the story, the feel of it and the simple things that we all find embracing, like the warmth of the sunshine on our bodies. I believe you will do very well with your dragon tale. I put you on my book shelf.
Regards,
Craig (painted lives)

This is a fun read. It's well written and the first two chapters exhibit a professional style where the story is more important than the writer. I only wish I had found this long ago, when I could have helped its climb to the top.

Sorry it took so long but i always try to read the whole story. I figure if you write a whole story then the person commenting should read the whole story. Just had a tonne of watch lists i had to wade through.
Excellent story Lexi and yes, i can see why it would appeal to non fantasy readers as well. You do an excellent job creating your world and characters. A few 'typo's' that are too few to mention and it seems that no matter how many edits are done, they're always a couple more in hiding. The beginning grabbed me and kept me moving to the well timed climax.
Very well done and backed.
Richard
quick post script. the comments from HC are accurate except one thing. they didnt pick it up which they should. i've read some of HC's published stories and they pretty much come up crappy next to this puppy.

HA! This is genius. I love the talking dragon. What I love most about this story is the fact that you avoid the conventional and do something completely unexpected. The warrior prepares for battle against the dragon, and I'm thinking: "Oh well...here's going to be a typical fighting scene..." but then the dragon talks! The warrior turns out to be a girl. The dragon and the girl talk about their personal lives and their duties. The dragon switches sides...for good or bad...I don't know yet. Very clever. Reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams humor.

If Harper Collins knew what was best, they'd pick this puppy up. They seemed to love it, just thought it needed a bit more editorial work, but what book doesn't?

This is great writing.

Beautiful writing, as always, Lexi. I loved the observations about the dragon's eyes, comparing them to the slits of a cat or goat eye. Tremendously visual, as are all your descriptions. And humorous too. How do you find the time to write all this and inhabit the forums? Is it because no one is buying silver these days? Ian Kingsley
;-)

I loved this from the first two sentences. I’ve always been a big fan of fantasy and love the style of your writing! I love the dialogue between Tor and the dragon, and that the dragon sees through her disguise, and that they become ‘allies’.

It’s been on my WL for awhile ... but it was worth the wait and will be going on my bookshelf for a spell. :)
Cheers!
Cheryl

I know you've already recieve the HC critique, but I still want to tell you how much I enjoyed chapter one. The exchange between Tor and the dragon made me smile. I'll be back for more; still trying to figure out the site. Thanks,
Julia

I've only read two chapters of this so far, but I'm enjoying it immensely. I think Xantilor is a wonderful character, very wry and world-weary, but still up for some verbal sparring. Looking forward to the rest, and I hope you do well with this.

I must say, your opening paragraph is eloquently written. Several things I love about this first chapter:

You informed us that the character was female, but quickly let us know how big a secret it was instead of surprising us with the fact that the knight was a girl.

I see great potential for comedy with the princess.

A subtle hint that her grandfather was known to dragonkind is masterfully done.

Only one minor suggestion: With such vivid descriptions, what does the dragons voise sound like?

0h I like this very much, the perfect blend of fantasy and humour. I suspect that dragons and publishers will be conquered with equal panache.
Patrick Barrett (Shakespeare's Cuthbert)

great book! Can't wait for the sequel!!

Hi Lexi,

I am very much agree with HarperCollins thoughts on this engaging fantasy. I found it very vivid and yet there is something missing. Not sure what is missing but all I know is that you pitched it well, to me. It intrigue me and I wanted to read it but never had a chance until now and by all these comments had me thinking, wow.

One thing I know is that being critiqued by HarperCollins is a bonus and it is something we all like to happen, congratulations.

I think you'll like mine own, A Ducelord Saga: The Mage King.

Cheers,
RC.

A fun first chapter. I appreciate your use of humor. Too many stories in this genre are so self reverential they beg to be put down. I'll be interested to see if you tell us more about the dragon. He seems like an interesting character.

Hi Lexi, well i thought i would add my views to those others who have read your novel. i really enjoyed this. i guess everyone is a critic in their own way on most things, but as i like this genre. i really would like to see a sequel to this. top marks Lexi.

Hi Lexi, I am new to the website and this is one of the firsr books that I have looked at. I have just read the first chapter and have been so captivated by your beautiful prose that I have placed it onto my bookshelf so that I can compete the whole book.

It appears that you have set an very high standard for other authors to aspire to. I look forward to reading more and will complete a more detailed submission once I have read the whole book.

What I have read so far is wonderful.

Dear Lexi,

I really enjoyed your story. Congratulations on your success in the hurly-burly of Authonomy.

I suggest you rework the ending of the story. If you have to actually call a chapter "Tying up Loose Ends", then it's really a tack-on. Then you have one more after that. The end of Ch 32 is a good ending by itself, better than the end of Ch 34, but it comes in the wrong place, because of all those loose ends. The last bit about Corfe would make a good epilogue.

Obviously there's a sequel. Looking forward to it!

Well, if that's your first effort, I think you have a lot of potential. (c:

Hi, Lexi.

I agree fully with HarperCollins' comments. It's good, but it still needs work. In the last few paragraphs of the first chapter you seem to rush through things. A delightful plot, however, which I think has much potential.

Hi Lexi. Thanks for your comments on MB. Secretly agree with you about Ostraka--she is a bit OTT! Point taken about "like" but I'll leave the stutter, I think. Would like to return the favour, but see that you have uploaded 3 books--any tips on which one to go for first? Thanks again and gratz about Torbrek.

Excellent reading, I look forward to continuing
Enzo

Lexi,
you have a great wonderful engaging story here, and I think that a story that is so engaging in the first chapter bodes well for the remainder.
cheers

I am adding this to my watchlist. Torbreck is the name of the first high-rise apartment block built in Brisbane, Australia ages ago, how about that? And your pen name, such a great High Fantasy author name.
Cheers

This isn't the funny one but thought you might like it.......

http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?forumId=9&threadId=5425&pageNumber=1

Dear Jane Austen,

Can't write as well as Jane Austen? Lexi, you write beautifully. Please forgive me for only reading the first chapter, but I can't keep up with Authonomy and also have time to write. I realise now that Torbek made it past the editors desk. What were her comments like? Useable or wishy-washy? My own opinion of editors is firstly that they cannot write; and secondly that they only know what they don't like.

They are notorious for rejecting marketable books. A prize winning debut novel was resubmitted under a different title and author's name and was rejected by ten agents. Never mind Harry Potter being told to go and jump by both agencies and publishers.

I believe in big ideas and handling them boldly. So have backed Torbeck. See you in a moment re Trav.

Regards, Pierre.

Complete manuscript, middle ages, adventure, fantasy, AND no elves?! To the watchlist it goes!

As a big fantasy fan and also a collector and enthusiast of all things dragonish, I came to Tobrek with high hopes. But while I found this to be very well written, I have to admit to being a touch disappointed. I found it stretched my credulity a bit too far that someone who had come to kill the dragon should so quickly sit down to have a nice cosy chat with it. Tor's willingness to immediately launch into her family history was a bit too convenient, as if it was there as a vehicle for giving background information. I would like to have seen more action before getting to this stage, perhaps Tor could have fought the dragon and come to a stalemate, and then been talked out of killing it by the revelation that it knew her grandfather. Perhaps my impressions were influenced by my conviction that no-one does dragons like Anne Mc Caffrey, but that is why I wanted to read Tobrek, in the hopes that one day I will find someone who can do the same! Anyway, I will persevere with more chapters in the hope that the story becomes deeper and more involved. Good luck with it, and I would certainly appreciate any thoughts you may have on 'King's Envoy', which is a completely different kind of fantasy.

PS I've had a quick peek and, despite my usual resistance (although I do like Harry Potter!) I think I'm going to enjoy this. Will keep you informed!! Anne

Hello Lexi Have added Torbrek to my watchlist and, although it is not the kind of literature I go for in a big way, will delve into it and get back to you. Regards, Anne

Dear Lexi, Likewise. Have put Torbek on my watchlist. Does the yellow star mean you've been through the gate (the top five) before? Nice work if you have. Regards, Pierre.

Gotcha. :)

Hi there mate - thanks for your comments on Damaged. I'm glad you liked it - sorry you found it depressing but that was kind of the intention when I wrote it, lol. I guess if people find it depressing then it's doing its job ;)

Yep - Tally is meant to be a girl :)

I've been meaning to read Torbreck but I have so many books I have got to read, I dont know what to do. Once again thanks very much for your comments - I really appreciate it :)

Lexi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my manuscript and for giving me some very helpful, usefut advice that I plan to work on soon. I really appreciate your help.

I have put your book on my watchlist and will get to is asap. I don't know if I can give you the good advice that you gave me, since it looks like your manuscript has done very well. Good luck!

Tami Su