White Mountain - Book One Of The Darkling Chronicles

A significant challenge to review given the stars have aligned above, so do my words now matter?? HAHA!!

Well done. I'm speechless, so well done, my friend.

Dan

Sophie, I'm following you from the WorldBuilders thread.

Wow! Where to start. Usually I start at the beginning and work my way through. Yours is going to take awhile.

You write beautifully. Your long pitch nearly turned me off -- more detail-oriented than I am normally attracted to. But, I decided to give the first chapter a go and, wow, am I glad that I did!

You have a real talent for building scenes in the reader's mind. You just drew me in with your word pictures. I felt like I was watching a movie, coming into a close-up of White Mountain.

The dialogue is very entertaining. Agyk and Gralen's relationship just shines through.

Some small issues comes to mind. Some of your punctuation is a litlte odd. Disclaimer here, however, is that I was trained as a journalist, so I'm not a big fan of too much punctuation, so it may just be me because you've obviously edited the story very well. One suggestion that I think you might really benefit from is doing away with "turning the" in the first sentence. "The deepening sun scorched the snowy drifts cherry red ..." reads much tighter without taking anything away from the description. I would look for those sorts of extraneous additions.

I agree with Joshua that the information about the sorcerer would be better used threaded through the narrative, perhaps even in later chapters. It's always a temptation to put biographical information near the beginning of the story, but it is a stumbling block to getting into the story as a reader. Your "info dump" is not as overwhelming as some -- your writing makes it more entertaining than most -- but it did somewhat pop me out of the story.

Your narrative is compelling; you have obvious affection for the characters; and you hint at conflict to come. I'm a fantasy fan, so I don't need a hard sell, but this is going to be an enjoyable read.

In keeping with my own personal philosophy, I'm going to read a few chapters and then comment on a later chapter or two -- out of the usual comment zone, as it were -- so don't think I've disappeared if you haven't heard from me for a few days. I really want to know what happens to your characters.

Hi Sophie
I'm not usually into fantasy but thought I'd give yours a go. Glad I did! Opening chapter was so discriptive, I was immediately transported into that world and had to read on. I have just finished chapter two and will definitely read on. Luv it! Can't wait for the book, it'll be easier to read in bed than on the laptop!

My first impression: you write beautifully. This opens with a picturesque scene, vividly depicted through your words. I like how it begins with this before dropping us into this fantasy world.

Great use of language. "Gralen on the other hand, though certainly impressive at full height or in mid-flight, was a rather overweight and average example of the near extinct North Eurasian wyvern." There's a nice subtle voice to this that is consistent throughout.

Excellent dialogue. It's fast-paced and tightly written. It makes for a believable opening and provides great opportunities for characterization.

I'm impressed with how polished and well-edited this is. It was a treat to sit back and enjoy this well-written fantasy.

Suggestions: Though it is well-constructed, you have a bit of an infodump with the introduction of the sorcerer. Is all of this information necessary upfront like this? Couldn't it be revealed through conflict? I'd comb through this and consider cutting some of the adverbs. Most of them don't really add anything to your already brilliant narrative. Is there a way to present more conflict in this opening chapter? Finally, though your characters are well-constructed, I worry that young adult readers might find it difficult to connect with them since they're nowhere near the age of the reader.

This is a well-written novel with an intriguing plot. The fantasy world is developed through strong, vivid narrative. I look forward to finding out what sort of adventures Mr. Agyk and Gralen will experience together. Great job! Highly rated!

Wow, you really paint a beautiful picture of the landscape. You first paragraph, immediatly drew me into the fantasy world. I felt like I had fallen into a great painting. Your wizard is spot on! I thought he was so funny and his exchanges with Gralen was well done. I am sorry that I am not as good with spotting errors as you are, but nothing of that nature stood out. The words flowed and I was brought into this adventure that I am excited to follow them. I will read on...and try to comment as best I can, when I can. I have given you 6, well deserved stars and am placing it for backing as soon as a space opens. Take care, and again, thank you for the time you have spent on my story.
Aimee

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated

A significant challenge to review given the stars have aligned above, so do my words now matter?? HAHA!!

Well done. I'm speechless, so well done, my friend.

Dan

Club Grimoire Critique --
I feel that this story is aimed at a generally youger audience. From only one chapter it's hard to make generalizations, but I think it's meant to be comedy (I don't read the blurbs, because I don't want them to influence the read). This makes me feel kind of bad that I am the first from the Grimoire Club to review it, because I am really not the intended audience for this. I've never liked comedy in what I read for some reason, so even the greats like Doug Adams or Terry Pratchett don't do much for me.

The prose was fairly clean, though I noted a few errors along the way. What bothered me most was the enormous amount of exposition. I understand that there will be an audience for a story told by a narrator, with head hopping, and lots of details explained to the reader rather than shown during the course of the story, but this doesn't work for me personally. Here are a few notes I made:

'...delicate frozen beads of water, each encrusted with crystal' -- I felt that frozen water might already look like crystal in a certain light, so I was confused at the thought that the water beads were somehow also encrusted in some manner with crystals.

'...pressing in and.' -- you have left something out there

'...ever-burning fire always flickered' -- you already tell us it is ever-burning, so you don't need the always.

'...would venture out disappearing' -- this mixes a verb with a gerund, so you either need to drop the 'disappearing' or put a comma before it.

'...roman nose;' -- can't be a semicolon there since the clause on the other side of the semicolon isn't independent.

You keep calling Gralen both a dragon and a wyvern. I suppose it might be considered to be both, but it seemed very odd to me. To me a wyvern merely has a dragon's head but is otherwise not a dragon itself.

'After you," he bowed. -- You can't really use 'bowed' as a speech tag.

Again, I am sorry that I'm not the intended audience for this. It makes it harder on me to be as constructive as I would like. I wish you all the best with your novel.

WHITE MOUNTAIN by Sophie Tallis
- review for the Worldbuilders thread -

Good imagery. Writing is tight, fluid and descriptive. Plot is enticing enough and genre is clear. I scanned dozens of books before I found one I wanted to review for the Worldbuilders thread and yours was it.

My one constructive comment follows now ... Perhaps it is too descriptive at first. More dialogue and action from first jump might help the hook. Even something very minor like your character doing something really helps. You can even cut back out to the mountain-scape if you want, but starting at the mountain and working your way into the character, then describing the character in great detail before actually getting into the character's actions slows the pace greatly. It is usually better to begin with dialogue and/or action, then insert the descriptive details in short bursts, usually just adjectivally on the back of the action, as opposed to devoting entire paragraphs to pure detail. When you add motion and sound to your visuals, you exponentially bolster your hook. It is usually better to leave details out entirely if you are delaying the dialogue or action. Novels used to begin more you have here, but now in the movie age our brains have been hard-wired to crave the sound and motion.

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Chapter 3 continues with the great descriptions. I think those word pictures are truly your major strength as a writer. If Peter Jackson ever gets hold of this manuscript, there's a three-movie deal in it, I predict!

Punctuation is your weakness. When you address a character in a dialogue sentence, the name should be set off with commas. For example -- "what do you think, my dear friend, should we fly there straightway?" Almost as a rule, you would leave the commas out after think and friend and that causes me, as a reader, to stumble.

A suggestion would be to record yourself reading the text allowed. Anytime you hear a pause in the dictation, ask yourself, does a comma belong there? It doesn't always, but in your case, I think it will more often than not. As I said, I have a journalist's aversion to commas, so if I think you need more, you probably do.

Right at the end of Chapter 3, when Agyk is recognizing who "Master" is ... I would suggest you end the sentence at "Master?" Then the next part becomes narrative -- The creature playing him? Was that him? A shape shifter .... a changling? The idea seemed impossible!

It reads like narrative, but right now you have it in close-quotes, so it comes off odd. Of course, it's just a suggestion. Try reading it and seeing if you agree.

Hi, Sophie -- as I said, I'm not truly going to comment on your first few chapters, but I noticed an error in the 2nd chapter that I can't see as anyone has mentioned. When you're describing the map room, the second sentence in the paragraph is a fragment. It can be remedied by adding it as a clause to the third sentence. Again, your descriptions are WONDERFUL, almost cinematic. Although I think many writers today strive for that to reach the movie-addicts, most don't achieve it. You do!

Sophie, I'm following you from the WorldBuilders thread.

Wow! Where to start. Usually I start at the beginning and work my way through. Yours is going to take awhile.

You write beautifully. Your long pitch nearly turned me off -- more detail-oriented than I am normally attracted to. But, I decided to give the first chapter a go and, wow, am I glad that I did!

You have a real talent for building scenes in the reader's mind. You just drew me in with your word pictures. I felt like I was watching a movie, coming into a close-up of White Mountain.

The dialogue is very entertaining. Agyk and Gralen's relationship just shines through.

Some small issues comes to mind. Some of your punctuation is a litlte odd. Disclaimer here, however, is that I was trained as a journalist, so I'm not a big fan of too much punctuation, so it may just be me because you've obviously edited the story very well. One suggestion that I think you might really benefit from is doing away with "turning the" in the first sentence. "The deepening sun scorched the snowy drifts cherry red ..." reads much tighter without taking anything away from the description. I would look for those sorts of extraneous additions.

I agree with Joshua that the information about the sorcerer would be better used threaded through the narrative, perhaps even in later chapters. It's always a temptation to put biographical information near the beginning of the story, but it is a stumbling block to getting into the story as a reader. Your "info dump" is not as overwhelming as some -- your writing makes it more entertaining than most -- but it did somewhat pop me out of the story.

Your narrative is compelling; you have obvious affection for the characters; and you hint at conflict to come. I'm a fantasy fan, so I don't need a hard sell, but this is going to be an enjoyable read.

In keeping with my own personal philosophy, I'm going to read a few chapters and then comment on a later chapter or two -- out of the usual comment zone, as it were -- so don't think I've disappeared if you haven't heard from me for a few days. I really want to know what happens to your characters.

Hi Sophie
I'm not usually into fantasy but thought I'd give yours a go. Glad I did! Opening chapter was so discriptive, I was immediately transported into that world and had to read on. I have just finished chapter two and will definitely read on. Luv it! Can't wait for the book, it'll be easier to read in bed than on the laptop!

I found this story to be very engrossing. Good versus evil is always a compelling theme. You also have a great variety of characters that adds to the interest. I sense some stiffness in how you deal with some of them and some unevenness in how much bandwidth you want to allocate to each; this unevenness would be justified as their relative importance of their respective roles in your story become clear. I would certainly like to see this in print. Good luck with this!

My first impression: you write beautifully. This opens with a picturesque scene, vividly depicted through your words. I like how it begins with this before dropping us into this fantasy world.

Great use of language. "Gralen on the other hand, though certainly impressive at full height or in mid-flight, was a rather overweight and average example of the near extinct North Eurasian wyvern." There's a nice subtle voice to this that is consistent throughout.

Excellent dialogue. It's fast-paced and tightly written. It makes for a believable opening and provides great opportunities for characterization.

I'm impressed with how polished and well-edited this is. It was a treat to sit back and enjoy this well-written fantasy.

Suggestions: Though it is well-constructed, you have a bit of an infodump with the introduction of the sorcerer. Is all of this information necessary upfront like this? Couldn't it be revealed through conflict? I'd comb through this and consider cutting some of the adverbs. Most of them don't really add anything to your already brilliant narrative. Is there a way to present more conflict in this opening chapter? Finally, though your characters are well-constructed, I worry that young adult readers might find it difficult to connect with them since they're nowhere near the age of the reader.

This is a well-written novel with an intriguing plot. The fantasy world is developed through strong, vivid narrative. I look forward to finding out what sort of adventures Mr. Agyk and Gralen will experience together. Great job! Highly rated!

Interesting....on my WL for a later read.

Sophie, I understand that you have spent years perfecting your story so I hate like heck to give any criticism, but we love our creations so much, we don't always see a problem. I enjoyed the beginning of your story, but I have a one thing I didn't like as a reader. Mr. Agyk has too many names. It is confusing. One paragraph has both Mr. Agyk and Marvel used and I had to go back and reread where you introduced the character to see if I had missed a 2nd character. If he must have a number of names, be careful and only use the name he is using at the time.

I was told by 'my editor' that one of the common things new writers do is not write who said something. "Where have you been?" should have a who said it statement..
You could simply describe the dragaon at that point, Said a rather portly, green........ and when Mr. Agyk says: Sorry, am I late, Gralen?" Then the reader knows the dragon's name is Gralen.

I wrote a book for children, it is a chapter book and its also about dragons and Black Mountain. Anyway, I love the genre and I enjoyed your story a lot. I will continue to read with pleasure.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Hi Sophie! I thought I would come and take a look at your work. I love the cover picture! And the blurb sounds exciting...
I'm loving it so far!! Brilliant writing.... If it's like this all the way through, then you should be very proud...
My general comment is that we don't know the main characters primary goal at the start of the book. For example, if you began the first chapter when the message arrives, "who seeks counsel?" Then that will 'hook' the reader from the start. Many people will be 'hooked' by your lovely style, strong voice and vivid description, however, we also need to be "with" the main characters as they try to achieve some goal. If you start with "You must come quickly, so much depends on you!" Then we will be sitting on the edge of our seats...
I love the imagery, the characters, and the story world you have built, but beware of adding too much 'back story' in narrative blocks - in many places throughout the work, you have effectively built description into 'what's happening now', and done this very well, in some other places it is overdone in a narrative fashion. I loved the imagery in the ending of the first chapter!!
All in all, very well done. Your writing style is so good, but don't let overshadow the story.
This is just my opinion, and I hope that you can use my suggestions. I will give you a high rating, and I urge you to continue your writing, because your work is of a high quality. :)

Hi Sophie. Jamie here. Can you call me?

Hi Sophie!

I just read the first chapter. I love the relationship between the wizard and the dragon - they are both well-drawn and interesting. The descriptions are good, and the set-up is just right to keep me reading. There's just one thing that I was not sure about. The beginning was really epic in its descriptions, so that I thought that this was going to be an epic fantasy novel. But as soon as they start bantering, it became immediately obvious that this is a YA novel. But I'm not sure it can be both. Do you really want to have such an expansive and descriptive beginning to a book that teenagers are going to read? Maybe you do, and if yes, I applaud your choice. Anyway, I will read more later.

Nick Kotar
Raven Son

Hi Tollam, here is a bit of a crit. I have tried not to repeat any points which TRM, Kate Jack, et al have raised.

White Mountain Notes.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/28751/white-mountain-volume-one-of-the-darkling-chronicles/read-book/?chapterid=273745#chapter

The pace is relaxed, and some may find it takes a long time for the action to get going. The first chapter does set things up, in terms of the relationship of Mr Agyk and Gralen and gives some backstory, but the 'mystery' of people vanishing isn't revealed until the end of quite a substantial chapter and there is little feeling of menace or threat, or anything else that creates an urgency to hook the reader in. I don't mind that sort of writing, but I am, apparently, increasingly in the minority in these days of immediate gratification.

The milieu is described with some evocative prose, but sometimes seemed 'distant', as much of the prose feels 'static', rather than arising from the interaction of the characters with their environment in a way that engages the senses of the reader. The main sense to which appeal is made is that of sight, which is important, but it can be usefully supplemented with touch, taste, smell, sound.

The POV seems well suited to the tone and the genre. The actions of the characters are easy to follow; with a fairly substantial work it seems a better choice than first person or close third person, which can be hard to maintain consistently when there is this sort of scale, especially as you do have to follow more than one character.

The characterisation is light, though Agyk is explored at length, the depths of his personality are not explored in his deeds or through introspection. Likewise with Gralen, character traits are evident, but the deeper recesses of personality and motivation are not revealed. This is, by and large, appropriate to the genre, but we spend so much time with them that I felt a little short-changed.

The language is even in tone, and feels close to 'right' for genre and subject matter, not overly archaised or mannered. The opening didn't draw me in, however; I think because you try too hard to capture interest through telling rather than showing: "He had the bumbling demeanour . . ." "At the core of his strange home . . ." "Mr Agyk, not being the tidiest of people . . ." I would feel I knew him better if these things were revealed through his actions rather than through the narration. Obviously there are a large number of people who have said nice things about your writing, so take my comments in this regard with a bucket of salt. I also have to say that I had a problem with the name, Mr Marval Agyk, though it may well work for the intended audience.

I found the dialogue somewhat stilted on occasion, particularly when a dialect is invoked, for example the dworll shopkeeper, though much of it flowed naturally. It might be easier reading if it is kept more neutral throughout and other ways are found to differentiate characters.

The plot, and the interest, picks up once Mr Agyk gets into trouble, and I am more inclined to ignore the things which dissociate me from the story. Unfortunatelt it has taken a fair degree of persistence to reach this point, and if this were in a bookshop or a library, I would never have got there. As mentioned above, plenty of people have made their appreciation of your writing evident, so please don't consider my opinion to be representative of anyone but me.

Young Adult books typically have a protagonist who can represent the reader; even the Hobbit does this in a way, with Bilbo being of a size with his readership and knowing so much less of the world he is venturing into than the other characters. I do wonder if this will make it difficult to place White Mountain with an agent or publisher.

A few specific observations:

Chapter 1.

First, a question. What are your three favourite books, and how do they start?

I wasn't sure about a deepening sun, how does a sun deepen?

An archetypal wizard in at least looks . . . The phrasing seems a little arsy-versy. ...wizard, at least in looks?

From within this simple dwelling sprang . . . This doesn't sound like a simple dwelling. Perhaps: Though he lived simply . . .??? if it is his lifestyle you are intending to convey.

You call Gralen a Dragon, then a Wyvern, then you say he is extinct--poor soul. Also, I'm having trouble imagining a dragon crossing his arms, never mind a wyvern, wyverns being notably lacking in the limb department.

Issatun is, presumably, in the Arctic; it is near midwinter, yet the place is sunlit, and sunlit at the bottom of a chasm, no less. At this time of year you get a couple of months of darkness in those parts, it seemed incongruous to have the place 'like a sparkling diamond in the sun.'

Chapter 2.

. . . Belloc seemed remarkably taller . . . I'm not sure why this phrasing brought me up short, but it did, it seemed excessive, perhaps, hmm: 'remarkably taller', and not the most elegant phrasing. I also found it difficult to envisage 'dark robes billowing' being 'kindled', as kindled refers to sparks and fire.

'strange jarred ingredients' - strange ingredients in jars? Also, 'strange' to Mr Agyk implies very peculiar indeed, given the nature of his home, some examples , or just one, might not be out of place.

I felt that Agyk should have known all was not right from the presentiments he experiences on encountering 'Belloc', they seemed too strong for him to accept his 'old friend' in such a way. I would find it more plausible if they were toned down somewhat.

'feed you dry' didn't seem right, somehow, suck you dry?

I have nothing more to say other than.. Lets bump this to the Ed desk, this is deserving of it...

Right, Tollam, time for me to cast an eye over White Mountain. You know the score so I won’t bore you with explanations as to how I read.

Chapter One

1. I loved the juxtaposition of the “winter resorts of the skiing elite” and “an archetypal wizard”. That start was so fresh and original, so promising. And then I shuddered at the wizard’s name Marval (or Marvalla?) Agyk. That felt so clichéd. Sorry.

2. There’s a cuteness to the description of the wizard, his home and friendly dragon, that suggests a gentle read for children. The general pace and tone also fits with that first impression. From the pitch, however, I’m expecting some darkness ahead. Not sure how that will work – although both the Hobbit and LOTR evolved from cutesy hobbit village fete to full-on, in-your-face dark fantasy with ... admittedly ... some success.

3. I would have ended the first chapter just after the scene with the mimmirian. Eek, it’s the traditional Call for Help. Again, this generally says “child’s fantasy” to me and is wholly appropriate if that’s the case.

4. The travelling scenes and the arrival in Issatun are all very nicely done (and worthy of their own chapter), but I’d like a little more description somehow. That would probably interfere with the pace of the tale which remains nicely consistent. There’s a little more comedy in these sections (love the “Wooly1” numberplate) to counterbalance the dark mystery of disappearances. That evokes the Harry Potter books, somewhat.

5. Bit surprised that Marval would not concentrate on the fact that Belloc, who seems to be the leader of his group, seems to be the cause of terror rather than the recipient of it. From later scenes this is the correct impression, but the reader might at first be expecting him to be under arrest or something from his fearful message. I’m also a little surprised that Marval’s first instinct is to natter with Limmol first rather than run after his friend – who he has come all this way to meet. Perhaps he should have tried, but been rebuffed by one of Belloc’s minders, without Belloc showing any sign of having noticed – or with Belloc giving an evil glance over his shoulder (sorry, that’s a very cliché suggestion). Limmol could then pick Marval up whilst no-one else is willing to be seen doing so ... That’s just me, however.

6. Slight grumble in that Limmol is so willing to discuss dark secrets with the first passing wizard. He should have an apparent reason for trusting Marval – unless he’s a planted trap. (Hmm. Am I reading too much into things?) It would make more sense for him to discuss these things if he’s dusting down a rebuffed and confused Marval and recognised him from somewhere.

7. This is all superbly written, by the way, and a joy to read. No niggles or nitpicks.

Chapter Two

8. The last bit of Chapter One, Gralen stuffing his face, should really start off this chapter for a consistent transition of scenes.

9. Bit confused by the sudden disappearance of everyone, and how Marval moves from the mall to the bridge, but it does give a chilling prelude to Belloc’s appearance. This scene is well worth another polish to make it really memorable.

10. Back with Gralen. I don’t think he should be looking at shops “boarded up”, merely with their shutters down. The town has shut for the night, not gone bust.

11. Woo, yes, this is nicely dark. Marval’s encounter with the changeling and its minions is in quite stark contrast with the cutesy introduction – but it does work. It is scary without being unnecessarily gross or gory. I think you can balance the light and darkness of this tale quite well.

12. That escape scene is very thrilling, very well done indeed. I really enjoyed that.

Chapter Three

13. I love the idea of Gralen trashing the information desk. Something I have often wanted to do.

14. Again, this chapter has two distinct parts that should be two separate chapters: the escape from Issatun and the mustering of knowledge back at home.

15. One thing that comes to mind for the escape section: where’s the security that was called? Even if they are too cowardly to do anything about Gralen, I think they should be present, an irritation that causes the two friends to leave if not quite flee. There is no immediate threat in this part, which is a bit of a letdown after the excitement of Marval’s escape. The sprites feel a little underused too, although I enjoyed their bickering. Will they be used again in the tale? Will Limmol?

16. The library section also feels a little wordy. I think we should see a little more activity around Marval’s weakened state. Perhaps some clumsy healing under directions, conducted by Gralen, to give a comedic counterpoint to the terrible knowledge dredged up from the books?

That’s me for the moment. Great stuff this: pacey, engaging, thrilling. Some thought needs to be given to sustaining the levels of action in balance with exposition at times, but this already flows very nicely. The two leads are very engaging and suit the younger end of YA, I find. I’ll return for more in due course, but you know how long my list is ...

Good luck with this.

Cheers, TRM

I enjoyed your writing style, and I love your description of the mountain and Mr Agyk’s dwelling. All through this first chapter you conjure a marvellous sense of magic both in the magical characters and items and also in the natural surroundings. I also liked the menace and urgency that you introduced with the message from Belloc.

To nitpick – your prose is a bit over-exuberant. For example, I think you have too many adjectives in the first sentence – it feels crowded. (This is something I’m permanently guilty of!) Perhaps you could have something like ‘The deepening sun scorched the snowy drifts, turning them pink as it cast its rays over the peaks and the winter resorts of the skiing elite.’ – it makes this introductory sentence a bit easier to read. There are places where your sentences would have more impact if you trimmed out unnecessary words and only left the really important bits. I think it’s worth doing, because you have a good story here!

Anna
Angelwings

You paint some beautiful pictures of your characters. I am always fascinated with prehistory and therefore intrigued.

The prose was lovely, rather haiku in essence in the first paragraph. Maybe just a few too many adjectives?

Perhaps if you introduced action early on in your first chapter with tension rising to a climax and then falling away to a resolution ending with a hook, it would more than hold the reader's interest.

You have some great story here of epic proportions.

I wish you all the best with this.

Katy..xx

Finished reading chapter two and this is really picking up. Your writing at times is lyrical and I felt like you were really hitting your stride in this chapter. The first chapter I wasn't sure, but Mr Agryk grows on me in this chapter - Gralen, I'm not 100% sure on yet, but you did an excellent job developing the wizard here. In the earlier going, some of the language use seemed to get in its own way - too flowery or almost over-written - as my sister would say, :too many grace notes, Mozart" :) I think if you pare it back just a little, the story will move better. I want to read more of this - you got me to that magical point where I stopped feeling like I was reading the work of a budding writer and all I cared about was the story!

It's not often I place comments of here as I am rather poor at doing, but in this case I want too! I feel that this work is not only publishable, but commercially viable. Great pitch, great narrative and a great story from what I have read so far. Oh, and any producers from the film world reading this, then snap it up immediatly.

BACKED WITH PLEASURE

Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Smoothly and descriptively written. There are some very vivid and beautiful images here.

The tone of what I have read sonds more like childrens' fiction than YA. Children are also more likely to respond to the vivid, almost painterly descriptions.

The only drawback to the opening landscape imagery is that the pace seems quite slow, but whether that's a bad or a good thing, I'm not sure.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Hi Sophie, I enjoyed this - vivid writing which brings your characters and settings to life. I read chaps 1 and 13 for a 'taste' and will be back for more. In the meantime, put on my WL and high starred.
Vall (Midwyf)

Wow, you really paint a beautiful picture of the landscape. You first paragraph, immediatly drew me into the fantasy world. I felt like I had fallen into a great painting. Your wizard is spot on! I thought he was so funny and his exchanges with Gralen was well done. I am sorry that I am not as good with spotting errors as you are, but nothing of that nature stood out. The words flowed and I was brought into this adventure that I am excited to follow them. I will read on...and try to comment as best I can, when I can. I have given you 6, well deserved stars and am placing it for backing as soon as a space opens. Take care, and again, thank you for the time you have spent on my story.
Aimee

I was recommended by Rhonda9080, who said that if I liked Terry Goodkind, I would like you. :) Well, she is right. I have always loved this genre because of the imagination put into it and, when done right, draws you into a world of interesting believable characters that could exist in our "real" world as well as the imagination. I am picky when it comes to this genre because I don't normally pick it up off the shelf...but this one, I would. Journey's are always fun, what's more, is when you have three characters to play with to make the story flow well. I would like to read more before I comment to deeply, but I am placing you on my watchlist for soon backing. Take care!
Aimee

I'm not as familiar in my reading habits with sci-fi, but your writing style had me lingering to read, because I was immediately captivated my Mr. Agyk. Good writing in any genre will attract readers - especially such vivid characterization. In fact, my only critique for ch. 1 and 2, would be what some of my newspaper editors get me for sometimes. Don't bury your lead. The setting is interesting, but (just my humble opinion) the sentence about Mr. Agyk in (I think?) the second paragraph, should be your very first sentence. This is when my attention sparked. I immediately wanted to know more about this fellow. Is this a series then? I'd read it, and my daughter, whose a big fan of Terry Goodkind, would devour it! By the way, I just stumbled onto your booklist from the forum, liked your recommendations, and decided to trot by here. I'm so glad I did! I've rated White Mountain a six, and given you a watchlist position, but I'm promising a few stints on the bookshelf. I agree with you - sure wish we could put more of the books we love on the shelf. I feel sad when I have to switch them off and on.

Hey Sophie

While this is not the kind of book I would normally read now, I did read the entire Hobbit and LOR series years ago, and your story made me realise that it's probably a genre that I should go back to now and then.

I loved your descriptive narrative, and unfolding plot, which signals the beginning of high adventure for the two main prtotagonists. I will be back to read more, and will happily back it for now to help this get to an audience I know is out there and who would love this very much.

All the very best
Sofistikat

I don't read this genre AT ALL, couldn't even do LOTR, but I can see that it is well written. Sorry I can't be of more help. I bet if I was reading this page by page, by the fire, in a comfortable chair, i would be really getting into it. :)

I don't read this genre AT ALL, couldn't even do LOTR, but I can see that it is well written. Sorry I can't be of more help. I bet if I was reading this page by page, by the fire, in a comfortable chair, i would be really getting into it. :)

I don't read this genre AT ALL, couldn't even do LOTR, but I can see that it is well written. Sorry I can't be of more help. I bet if I was reading this page by page, by the fire, in a comfortable chair, i would be really getting into it. :)

I don't read this genre AT ALL, couldn't even do LOTR, but I can see that it is well written. Sorry I can't be of more help. I bet if I was reading this page by page, by the fire, in a comfortable chair, i would be really getting into it. :)

Just having a look at your pitch. Interesting. One niggle. 'Remnants' should 'struggle' to survive' not 'struggles'. A small thing but you might lose a publisher right there. Will read the book and get back to you.

Just having a look at your pitch. Interesting. One niggle. 'Remnants' should 'struggle' to survive' not 'struggles'. A small thing but you might lose a publisher right there. Will read the book and get back to you.

White mountain . . .
very imaginative
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Cheers Eveleen!!!!

Thank you so much for the backing, really appreciate it!!!

Tolly:)

White mountain . . .
very imaginative
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Hi Sophie, read your profile and one thing particularly resonated with me: When you cannot claw your way out of reality, you can grow wings and soar instead. This is exactly how I feel about my own writing, whether good, bad or indifferent.

Your pitch gives just enough insight to the story to draw the reader in. I’ve read chapter one and really enjoyed it. Below are my thoughts, which I hope prove useful. It wasn’t until I reached the end that I realised Chapter one is very long and perhaps needs to be broken up into 2 – just a thought.

One thing I insist on, is when this is published you let me know. I will definitely buy a copy. Backed.

Descriptions: The deepening sun scorched snowy drifts… lights twinkled in the valley below. But above the hustle and bustle of bistro and café life… White Mountain loomed. These opening paragraphs are sharply evocative, conjuring up an instant image of the setting and drawing the reader on.
…to fill nearly every nook and (tiny) cranny… I don’t think you need the bracketed word, for me it interrupts the flow. Littered (untidily) amongst the dozens of… Again, I don’t think you need the bracketed word for two reasons: 1st it’s an adverb and as you know they should be avoided whenever possible, 2nd the word “littered” indicates the untidiness of the room, so in affect you’re saying the same thing twice.
Repetition: … the (old scholar) would give in to his curiosity… Often the (old scholar) could be found… The use of “old scholar” so close together jars a little.
Description: …his straggly beard and shock of wiry hair blowing around him like the mane of a mangy old lion… loved this.
“Yes, my stomach is as full as a grouchal!” Loved the way this tiny bit of information from Mr Agyk’s past is dropped in.
Adverb: Marval touched it and it (instantly) fell silent. This could be replaced with something like: Marval touched it and it at once fell silent.
Wordiness: The (object) an ancient communicator, had been… I don’t think you need the bracketed word. Would suggest: The ancient communicator had been…
Syntax: “I have never known Belloc to ask for anyone’s help, (never)… I think the bracketed word should be: “ever.”
Descriptions: …on his huge bed of willowgrass and snootledown feathers… igniting thousands of floating dust specks in its wake, like a trail of tiny falling stars. Fantastic descriptions – you have a real talent for this.
…if his stomach didn’t wake him (and) demand food… Somehow this didn’t quite flow for me, perhaps: …if his stomach didn’t wake him with demands for food – something along those lines.
Particularity: Mr Agyk chuckled, “Yes it is… and breakfast is getting cold!” A large green head shot up and in an instant (he) was clambering… This sounds, despite the large green head, as if it’s Mr Agyk clambering up. Suggest: A large green head shot up and in an instant the dragon was clambering…
He walked ahead (and) stopped. He couldn’t do both at the same time – walk ahead and stop – Suggest: He walked ahead a short way, before coming to a stop – something like that.
“Ready? Then off we go!”….acidic glare of a million streetlights burned the sky behind them. I felt as if I was on Gralen’s back, so evocative were the descriptions of his flight.
“Mr Nicholaus is visiting us today….Could the owner of a large orange and red patterned flying carpet, registration W.O.O.LLY. 1… this made me laugh out loud. In fact the whole description of the city and its bustling occupants made me smile. It's wonderful.

Wow!! Thank you soooo much Katrina!!! You are a sweetie!!

So glad my profile resonated with you. I think all too often fantasy can be written off as infantile and therefore undeserving of any recognition for it's storytelling, the quality of it's writing etc. It is often a criticism levelled at prizes like the Man Booker, that no genre fiction, crime, fantasy or otherwise, is ever considered. For me, fantasy gives us the opportunity to levitate above out humdrum existences and can be a wonderful escape from bad times. It has certainly given me a life-line on more than a few occasions! Besides, where would literature be without Beowulf, Midsummer's Night Dream, Peter Pan, Alice In Wonderland, Gulliver's Travels etc etc ?

Katrina, I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to read my work and critique it so thoroughly!!! Thank you for your lovely comments!!!! I am pretty useless at critiquing myself, but you are fab at it - lots of really really useful and wonderfully constructive suggestions!!! Thank you SOOOO much!!!!

Chapter One is very long isn't it? I've struggled with that one quite a bit. There are a few natural places where I could make a break and split it into two chapters, I think my hesitation has been how this would then sit & flow with the current Chapter 2 (which is action packed but also rather long!). If I did split Ch.1 then it would give me a shorter Ch.2. and the other current chapters would all move up (making 19 chapters instead of the current 18) - completely doable!

Looking at your kind suggestions, I think you're spot on! Will go back and amend accordingly!!! Again, this is why critiquing is so important. Fresh eyes and perspectives can only improve a piece of work and the writer behind it!!

Cheers darling, and don't worry, if I manage to get it published there will definately be a copy winging it's way to you!!!!

Thank you again honey! :)

Hi Sophie, read your profile and one thing particularly resonated with me: When you cannot claw your way out of reality, you can grow wings and soar instead. This is exactly how I feel about my own writing, whether good, bad or indifferent.

Your pitch gives just enough insight to the story to draw the reader in. I’ve read chapter one and really enjoyed it. Below are my thoughts, which I hope prove useful. It wasn’t until I reached the end that I realised Chapter one is very long and perhaps needs to be broken up into 2 – just a thought.

One thing I insist on, is when this is published you let me know. I will definitely buy a copy. Backed.

Descriptions: The deepening sun scorched snowy drifts… lights twinkled in the valley below. But above the hustle and bustle of bistro and café life… White Mountain loomed. These opening paragraphs are sharply evocative, conjuring up an instant image of the setting and drawing the reader on.
…to fill nearly every nook and (tiny) cranny… I don’t think you need the bracketed word, for me it interrupts the flow. Littered (untidily) amongst the dozens of… Again, I don’t think you need the bracketed word for two reasons: 1st it’s an adverb and as you know they should be avoided whenever possible, 2nd the word “littered” indicates the untidiness of the room, so in affect you’re saying the same thing twice.
Repetition: … the (old scholar) would give in to his curiosity… Often the (old scholar) could be found… The use of “old scholar” so close together jars a little.
Description: …his straggly beard and shock of wiry hair blowing around him like the mane of a mangy old lion… loved this.
“Yes, my stomach is as full as a grouchal!” Loved the way this tiny bit of information from Mr Agyk’s past is dropped in.
Adverb: Marval touched it and it (instantly) fell silent. This could be replaced with something like: Marval touched it and it at once fell silent.
Wordiness: The (object) an ancient communicator, had been… I don’t think you need the bracketed word. Would suggest: The ancient communicator had been…
Syntax: “I have never known Belloc to ask for anyone’s help, (never)… I think the bracketed word should be: “ever.”
Descriptions: …on his huge bed of willowgrass and snootledown feathers… igniting thousands of floating dust specks in its wake, like a trail of tiny falling stars. Fantastic descriptions – you have a real talent for this.
…if his stomach didn’t wake him (and) demand food… Somehow this didn’t quite flow for me, perhaps: …if his stomach didn’t wake him with demands for food – something along those lines.
Particularity: Mr Agyk chuckled, “Yes it is… and breakfast is getting cold!” A large green head shot up and in an instant (he) was clambering… This sounds, despite the large green head, as if it’s Mr Agyk clambering up. Suggest: A large green head shot up and in an instant the dragon was clambering…
He walked ahead (and) stopped. He couldn’t do both at the same time – walk ahead and stop – Suggest: He walked ahead a short way, before coming to a stop – something like that.
“Ready? Then off we go!”….acidic glare of a million streetlights burned the sky behind them. I felt as if I was on Gralen’s back, so evocative were the descriptions of his flight.
“Mr Nicholaus is visiting us today….Could the owner of a large orange and red patterned flying carpet, registration W.O.O.LLY. 1… this made me laugh out loud. In fact the whole description of the city and its bustling occupants made me smile. It's wonderful.

This is definitely something my sons and father would be into. Well written and very imaginative. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Cheers Cat!!!!

Glad you liked it!!! Thanks for the backing and star rating!!
Cheers again, Tolly :)

This is definitely something my sons and father would be into. Well written and very imaginative. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

I just read a little bit - very well written and sophisticated, but in terms of getting published: you really should explain more and paint clearer pictures. Sometimes your wording is a little too complicated, which kind of makes it seem like it's one of those 'insider's clubs' books. Not a bad thing, but it really diminishes your market. A publisher will ask you how you can sell your book, and who you can sell it to. I think you make the reader guess a little too much - for a larger market, you just need to paint the scene a little better. I kind of got lost trying to navigate my way through your rich words. Again - not a bad thing. Sorry if you take offense to this comment - I'm really trying to help. Your writing is good and I like your story - that's why I just read it instead of all the books on my watchlist. Just some advice. You can take it or leave it.

Thanks Lucy!!

I really appreciate all feedback. It's the only way to improve the writer and the work, right? It's also great to get fresh eyes on it, which mine certainly are not!! Cheers for your comments. Yes, I think the quality of the writing is basically good but if there are moments when it becomes confusing for the reader, then that's good to highlight so I can look at it again. I've sent you a message to say thanks as well.

At the end of the day, the book is pitched at the YA market for lovers of fantasy, but I need to ensure that it has a wide an appeal as possible. As yet, I haven't uploaded my prologue, which gives the reader a clear picture of the world they are entering, back story/background info etc, and explains some of the word choices such as dworlls. Perhaps this is something I should think about uploading, to clarify the book to the passing reader.

Cheers again Lucy, some really helpful advice!:)

Wait - you only have one chapter!

I hope not!! The whole book is uploaded here, all 18 chapters, let me know if you have any problems accessing it.

Cheers again!!:)

Wondering how the closing sentence moves the story?

Dworll = Dwarf?

Story moves well - a few little things (i.e. strode off at a swift pace, I would say strode swiftly or simply strode - striding itself suggests a bit of urgency vs your average amble, walk or stroll... ) I would change personally to tighten it a bit, but we're none of us perfect!

I will read ch 2 and see if I'm hooked :P

Thanks WiSpY!!!
Yes, dworlls are my versions of dwarves, though less stumpy or prone to bad hygiene! I'm also a fan of etymology and derivation of words and the modern word for dwarves could easily have been derived from dworlls.

Cheers for the suggestion! Will go back and have another look! Hope you do read chapter 2, let me know what you think.

Cheers again, any and all comments welcome!!!!:)

I just read a little bit - very well written and sophisticated, but in terms of getting published: you really should explain more and paint clearer pictures. Sometimes your wording is a little too complicated, which kind of makes it seem like it's one of those 'insider's clubs' books. Not a bad thing, but it really diminishes your market. A publisher will ask you how you can sell your book, and who you can sell it to. I think you make the reader guess a little too much - for a larger market, you just need to paint the scene a little better. I kind of got lost trying to navigate my way through your rich words. Again - not a bad thing. Sorry if you take offense to this comment - I'm really trying to help. Your writing is good and I like your story - that's why I just read it instead of all the books on my watchlist. Just some advice. You can take it or leave it.

Wait - you only have one chapter!

Wondering how the closing sentence moves the story?

Dworll = Dwarf?

Story moves well - a few little things (i.e. strode off at a swift pace, I would say strode swiftly or simply strode - striding itself suggests a bit of urgency vs your average amble, walk or stroll... ) I would change personally to tighten it a bit, but we're none of us perfect!

I will read ch 2 and see if I'm hooked :P

It's been a long time since I read any high fantasy and wasn't sure I would be able to rekindle my interest in the genre, but what I've read so far is fabulous. I wish I had even half of your imagination. The descriptions of Issatun are delightful and don't hold back the pace of the storytelling. The characters are original and lively. I think this should appeal to fantasy lovers of all ages, not just YA.

Thanks Jo!!!
I'm so pleased you liked it!!! Your comments are very sweet, I really appreciate it! Yes, high fantasy kind of lost my interest for a while too and it's certainly not as commercial as other forms...opps, probably should've thought about that earlier! But I'm really glad that this grabbed you. I'd love to know your thoughts on some of the later chapters too if you can!

Good luck with your book too, I've popped it on my watchlist and hope to shelf it when I get some free space!

Cheers again!!! :)

It's been a long time since I read any high fantasy and wasn't sure I would be able to rekindle my interest in the genre, but what I've read so far is fabulous. I wish I had even half of your imagination. The descriptions of Issatun are delightful and don't hold back the pace of the storytelling. The characters are original and lively. I think this should appeal to fantasy lovers of all ages, not just YA.

I have to say, my dear, you have a wonderful imagination! This is the kind of book that I read and am a little envious of, I have a hard enough time putting my book together, you've got layers and layers here. I'm not a grammar commenter, I like to comment as a reader. Since it's so long, I skipped around a bit to see if the quality, pace, and development continued throughout and it does. I enjoy your characters, and the comraderie that exists between them. And your descriptions are just awesome, I could picture this in my head. I just read some of your comments below and I did notice some places where commas were needed, don't worry, I still find them in mine. And the one about overwriting, there were times it felt a little over the top, but that's easy. Just go through and count you adjectives, one good one will go farther than a couple average ones.

To sum up, great book. I'm not a big fantasy reader so for this to pull me in like it did is surprising, in a good way. I liked chapter 5, you handle action and attack very well, it's hard to choreograph those scenes but I didn't get lost. Hurry up with the movie!

Enjoyed and I think you're on the right track, there are a lot of fantasy fans on this site and you'll have no problem. Once my shelf settles down a bit, I'll put you back up for a long stretch. Good luck with this, its impressive. I hope I'm not gushing too much, but you've done a nice job on this.

Missy

Wow Missy, where do I start? You almost had me in tears and I'm not one to blub easily! Thank you soooo much for your lovely comments, that was very kind and gracious of you! I know eactly what you mean about critiquing though, I find it incredibly difficult. After some of the commas around speech that I've missed, I don't trust myself enough to comment on someone's grammar so like you I'd rather comment on the content of the story. I will definitely go through each chapter again to check the commas and see if I can tighten it in places and get rid of any erroneous extra adjectives!!

But thank you again!!!

I really appreciate your comments especially as you are not a specific fantasy reader, it's great to know that the book could appeal to a wider audience!!

Cheers!!!! :)

I have to say, my dear, you have a wonderful imagination! This is the kind of book that I read and am a little envious of, I have a hard enough time putting my book together, you've got layers and layers here. I'm not a grammar commenter, I like to comment as a reader. Since it's so long, I skipped around a bit to see if the quality, pace, and development continued throughout and it does. I enjoy your characters, and the comraderie that exists between them. And your descriptions are just awesome, I could picture this in my head. I just read some of your comments below and I did notice some places where commas were needed, don't worry, I still find them in mine. And the one about overwriting, there were times it felt a little over the top, but that's easy. Just go through and count you adjectives, one good one will go farther than a couple average ones.

To sum up, great book. I'm not a big fantasy reader so for this to pull me in like it did is surprising, in a good way. I liked chapter 5, you handle action and attack very well, it's hard to choreograph those scenes but I didn't get lost. Hurry up with the movie!

Enjoyed and I think you're on the right track, there are a lot of fantasy fans on this site and you'll have no problem. Once my shelf settles down a bit, I'll put you back up for a long stretch. Good luck with this, its impressive. I hope I'm not gushing too much, but you've done a nice job on this.

Missy