A Candle's End

A Candle’s End.
By Robert Eetheart.


I’m impressed with your book, Robert, It’s so well written and your imagination knows no bounds.
The fantasy and intrigue will certainly attract the Y/A.
Good description and you have the ability to convey to the reader some wonderful scenes.
Can see why your book has made it this far...It will of course go further!
Well starred and on my shelf.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets Of The Forest – The Time Zone.

Wow Robert! You’re so talented! I love how different this is from anything else I’ve read! You really have an imagination! This story could carry me all the way through without coming up for air. I love the already established relationship between the two lovebirds right off the start.
Fantastic so far! Backed and rated 6 stars… just because! (: haha

Christine Rees
Spark

P.S. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! (:

Wow, I've never been more intimidated by someone that's only one year older than me. Your writing is obviously beyond your years and I respect you for that. Your prologue was short and simple but didn't lack in quality. The first chapter was when I was hooked. Your vivid descriptions make it easy to visualize your settings and characters. Mike and Gaia are both great personalities. I've really enjoyed it so far!

Highly Starred!
Best of luck

Classic. I really enjoyed your story! It kept my attention from the start, which most book here don't, and held it. You are very natural with your words. It is impossible to invent "new" storylines. Everyone who writes, writes a story that has been written a thousand times over. Plot is not the difficulty, it's how you shape the plot at the characters and the descisions you make with them. You have done very well, I feel, with taking this story and turning it into something new.
Backed.
J.
P.S. I embrace the classic well-known story plots as you will see if you look at my Children's book "The Champion". :)

Dear Robert, your writing shows an obvious talent, that has taken the time, to listen and learn from other writer's. You story is prepared so well. It must have been a mighty effort, which you managed, it seems with ease. Someone once told me, that if you write with passion, then the mechanics of any story, [ Punctuation etc., ], will manifest themselves, to make a great story. And that's what you have achieved. Congratulations and all the best with your book. This deserves to be recognised. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Hi Robert
I'm really impressed by your writing. I thought this was going to be Sci-Fi when I read the prologue but I'm glad I read on because it is not Sci-Fi but a great, sort of historical story. You need to check paragraph five though in chapter one. You have written Mike's sisters age as two-years-old instead of twenty-two- years-old. Also in the same paragraph you have written the word beside twice, at the end of the sentence. All in all I was very impressed by your work, and I think you will do great things with this. High stars from me and it will get a place on my WL once I've had a muck out.
Best wishes.
Brian.

Robert, I cant believe you have come up with something like this and yet you dont come on here and push it as much as you can. This is exceptional writing and waiting to be taken to the next level. I cant fault it. Brilliant story, great use of your characters, brilliant smooth flow and a great descriptive yet cracking use of easy to read words. I can only see this doing well. Good luck, but I really did enjoy this.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Hi Robert,
Your prologue is captivating and it hooked me in to the story immediately.

In Chapter One, you've introduced your MCs Mike and Gaia in an intriguing, nice setting...in Jaaras. Then, within the next four chapters, you've successfully fused in your side characters (Mike's sister Sylvia, Bram, Clara, Walter, Oliver, and Priscilla.)

Congratulations for deepening the plot with the support of cleverly structured dialogue between the characters. This obviously gained quality and dynamism to the scenes ahead. Another thing I liked is the way you provided us all needed information in bite-sized portions.

The fragile balance between dialogue and description is in a good proportion.

A Candle's End is a great read for YA genre enthusiasts with an amusing premise and story.

High stars and in my Watch List for further comments,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Robert!

Here are my suggestions on Chapter 12 - Frantic Reactions. Hope they’ll be helpful.

- This particular night a dream weaved itself into Mike. [hmm, a sentence I’d think about; maybe “That night a dream weaved its way into Mike’s mind.”];
- Mike tried to follow the moving sand, and he noticed that it was heading towards north. [maybe simply ‘heading north’] … It was as if he saw a living a map of Jaaras. [a living map] … The sand continued and its’ borders [its borders] … It consumed the cities [I’m not sure what consumed the cities etc. – the sand or the grass?] … burying everything in sand. [if you mean ‘the sand’ there then this is redundant];
- It seemed as if the steam from the Mountain of Oblivion controlled this desert. [‘the desert’ would be better] … Jaaras became a large endless desert [‘large’ and ‘endless’ clash with each other; choose a different adjective instead of ‘large’ or delete it];
- Then Mike found himself in his bed, gasping and sweating. [I’d recommend either making the dream more intense or toning down this sentence as I usually gasp and sweat when I see a nightmare, and I don’t really see this dream as a nightmare; just a thought to consider];
- The four friends met downstairs … [I finished the book a while ago and probably I’ll remember who the four friends are, but I’d recommend mentioning the characters’ names when you mention them for the first time in this chapter] … They all looked at each other, noticing that none of them had slept well. [here is a great opportunity to SHOW your characters – make the readers believe that they hadn’t slept well – one may yawn without closing his mouth with his hand :), another may rub his/her eyes, yet another may have dark / black circles under his/her eyes – it’s not that difficult to show them, all the more you may enjoy the process];
- Mike’s dream was still in the fringe … He looked to Jill and noticed the nervous look on her face. [what gave away her nervousness? Describe the expression on her face – eyes, eyebrows, forehead, lips - anything];
- “I’m afraid, we only have one option,” Jill then said. [Jill said.];
- “And what option is that?” Kael asked, as he yawned … [Kael may yawn when they first gather and here he may earn another time: ‘Kael asked as he stifled another yawn.’ – something like that];
- She glanced around the inn, made sure no one was listening [She glanced around the inn to make sure no one was listening];
- Jill thought a for moment. [for a moment] … “Well, if I return back to the guild [either ‘return’ (without ‘back’) or ‘go back’] … “And dead sailors will be investigated by [the?] guards.”
- “I’m afraid that’s not enough,” … “Where ever in Jaaras [“Wherever in Jaaras];
- Jill had a very hard time answering the elf's question. She knew the answer, but [this part needs some rephrasing; I might suggest something like this: Though Jill knew the answer to the elf’s question, she had a very hard time answering it…” – unfortunately, I don’t fully understand why she found it hard to answer as I’m not the author, but I think you need to make a few changes to make it sound smooth] … than she had ever showed before. [had ever shown];
- Mike eyed the elf, showing a smirk. [Mike eyed the elf, his mouth curved in a smirk. – I don’t know what kind of a smirk that was – you may insert the necessary adjective];
- “You owe me nothing. … for showing me true friendship,” Jill smiled. [friendship.” Jill smiled.];
- Adelina sighed again, letting her shoulders … I don’t [KNOW] why I’m doing this;
- “I asked you not to come back alone … Explain,” this captain said, [the captain];
- “I-I couldn’t do anything. … Mattias pleaded [period missing];
- “But . . .” the captain added … keep this lesson in mind in the nearest future [‘near’, not ‘nearest’];
- She had come up with a plan… and left the inn for a walk to think about it. [left the inn to take a walk and think about it];
- All four friends wore grim expressions … against the guild who had done it. [against the guild that had done it.];
- The friends worried about how she would get the clothes, but Jill had contacts that could get her the requested clothing [‘get … clothes/clothing’ – the phrase is used twice in one sentence – you need to rephrase either to make it diverse] … “Black market dealers,” she said, “Some [she said. “Some];
- “But ye're guild member,” Kael said, a questioning look showing on his face. [omit ‘showing’];
- “Now,” Jill said,”Now [“Now,” she said, “Now];
- Her friends noticed she didn’t [and here ‘Jill didn’t];
- “Aye,” Kael nodded. [“Aye.” Kael nodded.];
- Jill showed them the map [you use ‘show’ in the previous sentence and here; rephrase either of the two];
- A few bats swooped above the four friends … First guild to strike at was to be Jagged. [was Jagged.];
- “There he is …” She pointed at Mike and Kael, [Kael.];
- The two friends spotted the reflection and … They noticed how she mouthed an order to them; strike now, she said silently. [“she said silently” is redundant – delete it];
- There was no time to waste. In a swift run through the Slum District, the four friends changed their clothes into wearing Drakos uniforms [not sure of the word ‘wearing’ in this sentence];
- “One last stop …” Jill said … not even accepted a bribery. [better ‘accepted a bribe’];
- She nodded twice. “Yes, let’s go.” … despite [THE FACT] that … All three of them were. [this sentence is not needed as you repeat the idea that you mentioned in the previous paragraph, but only in different words];
- Disguised and masked in Jagged uniforms [I’d prefer “Masked and disguised in Jagged uniform” – that would make more sense to me] … the entire slums [drop ‘entire’];
- As they approached the very doorsteps of this inn [‘this inn’, a bit further ‘this place’ – ‘this’ is not a good word – dispose of it and your sentences will become much better];
- “Jill, are you coming?” Adelina gracefully asked [‘gracefully’ is a bit strange in this context; “she asked, turning her head gracefully towards Jill” – just what popped into my head];
- The thief – the Drakos guildmember – Jill … [you may start this sentence with ‘Jill’, and then emphasize her hesitation with a sentence like ‘She couldn’t do it. She was a thief – the Drakos guildmember.’];
- Jill, emptied from words, only regarded her friends, as they one by one began their complaints against her. [it’s a bit difficult for me to imagine them complaining – are they afraid of being spotted? Maybe they scolded her in hushed tones or something? That’s at least how I see it];
- In but a split second, the frenzy began. These three [‘these’ should also be changed for ‘the’];
- But inside of Jill, she wasn’t watching … She knew this captain [this] … It had been a while since she had last seen him, seeing [‘seen’ then ‘seeing’ – tautology];
- Nicks, bruises and cuts … especially this captain [that’s what I meant by abusing ‘this’];
- The remaining friends now wondered who the confused was [who was confused];
- Adelina was furious. “Don't do this, Jill!” the elf snapped at her. [don’t abuse the use of tags – either use “Adelina was furious.” (which I like the better of the two) or “the elf snapped at her.” here];
- For few long seconds Jill [For A few long seconds Jill];
- “Alright,” Jill then said [“All right,” Jill said with a nod];
- With a swift, clean movement… blood running from their corpses [blood trickling from under their lifeless bodies – you can turn it to anything you want].

You have an enjoyable story here, Robert. With each edit you’ll refine it and have a real gem. Be careful with ‘this’ word and don’t be scared to drop unnecessary words, or word combinations. I’ve already cut 25,000 words from my book, trying to remove unnecessary words or parts that didn’t move the plot forward. Don’t be scared of omitting a word here or there if you consider it unnecessary. You’ve got great characters, and it’s obvious you love writing about them. That’s superb!
Best of luck to you! I hope my suggestions on your book have proven useful. If you need my help, let me know.

Ivan

YAL review:
Mike and Gaia’s relationship is sweet and you did an excellent job of showing their awkwardness when they talk with Gaia’s father. I also liked how Mike is conflicted between his love for Gaia and his desire to leave.
The downside is there’s a lot of telling here, both in the prologue and throughout the first two chapters. In some places it works, but in others it gives both the narration and the dialogue a stiff, forced feel to it.
But other than that I thought this was well done.

YAL review!

A very promising book from another young writer. I know this will do well - a little bit of polishing and you'll have something great here. 
I had a couple of suggestions for you for the first couple chapters:
Sentence two (sorry): huge mysterious land engulfed by horror, enticed with beauty. - this feels a bit colloquial. Might work better as: "a vast, mysterious land engulfed in horror, enticed with beauty" (also, I'm not convinced "enticed with beauty" works - is the land enticed? Or DOES the land entice? Because of it's the latter (and I'm thinking it is) then it might work better as "bewitching in its beauty"
"Different and amazing climates reigned the Land of Jaaras" - different and amazing also feels a bit colloquial. You might want to try "varied and enthralling" (up to you)
"The climate here consisted of beautiful green grass with air that was very fresh, blowing winds from the northern mountains." - because you've already used climate, it might be better to write: "The valley was clothed in beautiful green grass, and clean, fresh air blew in from the northern mountains"
"Oh and there was Gaia, who could become his true love one day" - I'm worried this sentence might say too much, too soon. It might be better to leave it just at: "And there was Gaia." - it'll spark the reader's interest, without forcing them to decide.
"When they were kids, they used to play together a lot," - this is essentially a repeat of what you said in earlier chapters. Might be worth revising.
In chapter 2, I wonder if you rush into things very quickly. - everything seems to happen very fast, and without any conflict. I assume this is coming in the later chapters? However - my suggestion is that the love story might be a bit rewarding if you drag it out a little bit more - give us more background as to why Mike and Gaia love each other, rather than telling us that they do. 
Anyway, you're onto a great fantasy here. Highly starred, and I hope it does well. :) 
Ellie
Paragon

descriptive and well though out. good read for ya. good read. not my usual genre, but i like what you have created.
j
what every woman should know

A wonderfully imagined book. It is well written and completely interesting in plot as well as style.
It is a thrilling read!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Just a little push to help out. :-)

A CANDLE’S END
This is an interesting story. I like the way, although this takes place in a land far, far away, the people still experience the same things like first love as in my world. I was surprised, tho, to read Mike was your main character’s name; it’s a good name but I did wonder why such a common name in my world would also be a common one in this fantasy world. Either way, you have a great way of making your characters come alive through their dialogue and explaining their inner thoughts. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Just through chapter one. Brilliant detail and well written. The one suggesting i would make is that the characters use Mike's name in the dialogue a little to often. I understand that they are directing thier questions or statements at Mike, but in my opinion, when i am talking with others, expecially those i know well, i do not use thier name.

First of all, I do like this genre of book. You have some very good ideas in this and you have filled your writing with lots of wonderful descriptions.
I was worried initially from your long pitch - orcs, Riverdale (Rivendell?) It seemed a bit Tolkeinish in your names and I love Tolkein.
In your pitch and the beginning of the prologue, you put "peace finally reigns the Land of Jaara" - shouldn't that be reigns over? I'm not sure you need a capital for Land either.
I've been struggling with a prologue for a book I'm currently working on - whether it needs one etc. I strongly feel that yours doesn't as it seems at points to simply be a list of background info. Could you not find a way of feeding this information into the main text? I think (and it's only an opinion) that you'd be better off losing the prologue as a separate thing.
I also think you need to up the pace of the first chapter as not a lot seemed to happen and I was desperately wanting to get thrown right in to some action.
Lastly, (and I hope you don't think I'm trying to be over critical) I had a struggle grasping the time period. I thought medieval or similar to the LOTR books, but they didn't have shops as such then did they? The names also stand out - some names have an old feeling like Gaia, Feld, Dakain, Jaaras etc, but then you have ones like Sylvia and Mike which seem very modern in comparison. Perhaps I'm wrong - it's just the way I felt when reading.
I hope I haven't offended in my comments - I'd rather give you my honest, personal opinion rather than a simple "Ooh it's great" comment which helps nobody. I do think you have good ideas in there and I wish you well with it!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Hey, Robert, I say: Well done! Your Jaaras world is very vivid due to a very detailed and profound description. The Peace day celebration, relationship of Mike and Gaia, their feelings make you if not a protagonist, then at least an eyewitness. I add your book t to my Watch list and think it'll be backed soon .

My best regards ! nautaV Escape.

Dear Robert

Your story reminds me of a fairy story: heart felt and imaginative. You clearly have a vivid imagination and great ideas for this YA story. I hope you enjoy your writing, and that you develop it further, because your enthusiasm is clear.

If you would also comb your ms for nits, that would help your presentation a little, and make it a smoother read. Nevertheless, this is clearly a book that fits its genre!

Take care

Fran xx :)

Hi, Robert.
A Candle's End is back on my shelf with full stars. I read some more of it today, and my opinion of it is still the same. Brilliant writing for one so young, and what a story!
Best of luck.
maria

A Candle’s End.
By Robert Eetheart.


I’m impressed with your book, Robert, It’s so well written and your imagination knows no bounds.
The fantasy and intrigue will certainly attract the Y/A.
Good description and you have the ability to convey to the reader some wonderful scenes.
Can see why your book has made it this far...It will of course go further!
Well starred and on my shelf.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets Of The Forest – The Time Zone.

Wow Robert! You’re so talented! I love how different this is from anything else I’ve read! You really have an imagination! This story could carry me all the way through without coming up for air. I love the already established relationship between the two lovebirds right off the start.
Fantastic so far! Backed and rated 6 stars… just because! (: haha

Christine Rees
Spark

P.S. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! (:

What a great cover for your book!
I find your book created very well and written superbly.
You know how to develop your story to perfection.
The characters are really real to life.
I didn't find any mistakes in any of it, so that is great.

Bria Heart <3

The pitch and title are drawing to people's interest.
The cover is very good.
This book has incredible style of words. The pictures are so realistic from the way you describe things out.
I like the way things unfold at first in a slow pace, but with that tense background of what has happened before.
The names are my very favorite because they are unique and creative. Names are fun!
Anyways, you have a great story going for you here.
I wish you the best with it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Wow, I've never been more intimidated by someone that's only one year older than me. Your writing is obviously beyond your years and I respect you for that. Your prologue was short and simple but didn't lack in quality. The first chapter was when I was hooked. Your vivid descriptions make it easy to visualize your settings and characters. Mike and Gaia are both great personalities. I've really enjoyed it so far!

Highly Starred!
Best of luck

Robert! I'm very very sorry I didn't review this a long time ago. I just read the first two chapters. Good job on worldbuilding - it is very clear in the writing that you have a pretty firm grasp of Jaaras (I like the name, by the way), Rivendale, etc.
I have only read two chapters, so I can't really give a thorough review, but I wonder whether Mike and Gaia's relationship ties in to the rest of the book, and deserves so much time spent on it. I also had a hard time figuring out Mike's enthusiasm for Rivendale versus his desire to travel. As another character pointed out, he has a great life in Rivendale (which seems prosperous enough for a small town, rather than a village), and as his only experience of the outside world has been traveling soldiers raiding the village for supplies and the carnage and fear that come with an international war, I don't see why he would be so eager to travel. Also, Gaia seemed a bit...fluffy in her initial dialogue, and it was hard to sense that they'd known each other for so long. They didn't seem to have much in common.
On the whole, however, I really like the idea of a kingless era. That could be developed in all kinds of interesting directions. Mike seems like a likable character as well, and your writing shows a lot of promise. Good job, and good luck with this book!

I only got to chapter one!!! But I love it already! It's very interesting and I'm excited to read more. So far I don't have any advice. I will gladly read more when I have free time!

I like the setting of Jaaras. I saw the valley, the homes, the river. It is a beautiful, serene place...and I even heard the screams and sounds of battle. Very good! With a little editing, you have a diamond here. Editing is the hardest part of writing, and the least fun, but a necessity. Your writing style is good, don't change that! If you slowly read each paragraph out loud, you will notice that you repeat words in the same sentence, or several times per paragraph. This is a no-no, and something I do alot, too!---and have to rewrite ALOT to get these repeated words carved out. Get a theasaurs, and write with it next to you, as your best friend. When you find a word, such as village, use other words found in the theasarus that means the same thing.

Other than that, you have a good little tale! I would gladly read it again when/if you choose to edit it, and help you with it. You remind me of myself at your age! You have much potential as a writer, so don't give up! Persevere, and learn from those who have gone before you.

Great job! Looking forward to seeing more of you around here.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

This is a classic tale of fantasy adventure: companions facing obstacles on the road. The dreams of adventure and what lies beyond the next hill is what drives your characters, and it's infectious. I was wondering if this was originally a role-playing campaign, because it has the same energy about it. As a writer, it's obvious that you enjoyed putting this story down on paper, and I want to encourage you to keep on: guard that joy. Your style of prose is only just developing and you will need it to help you persevere on your own road.

– Bea B.

A YARG REVIEW. You write really well and your story is really well presented. Good job and keep doing wat your doing

Hi Robert,
I realized that we were friends, but I never took a look at your book! I read chapter one today and I am really enjoying it. Put you on my shelf and starred 6.

I'm excited to keep reading...after I read more I'll comment again.

Good luck, hun!

Blessings,
Jacki

Happily rebacking, Robert!
Blessings to you,
Jim

Hi Robert,
I happened upon your book and was intrigued by the premise, so here I am! Below are some comments. They are, of course, my humble opinions.
The pitches:
I like the short pitch. Lose the ellipses at the end. Three dots make an ellipse (you have four), but it’s unnecessary here and regarded as hackneyed.

In the long pitch, replace the ellipse with a comma.
Your long pitch is great UNTIL the sentence “And what about…” This is weak. Don’t ask the reader. Lead us to the key questions with active verbs. I would do away with this sentence altogether.
I’d also delete that last paragraph. You don’t need it. Too much back story. Keep it to the hooks.
Prologue
Again, lose the ellipse. I’d do away with the first line, “In a distant world called “Amaara.”
I love your world. Absolutely love it, but as a story, you begin by telling us too much. SHOW us. Pull us into the story. This is like reading an encyclopedia. Even though it’s well-written, it doesn’t hook us into a story. You’ll have plenty of time to insert back story more subtly in the story.
Chapter one
“A valley-like dale” doesn’t really work, as a dale is a broad valley, so to say it’s valley-like is like calling it a valley-like valley.
“two parts of the village; north and south” I’d cut down on your use of semicolons. In this case it’s not used properly, as they’re generally used for lists or to separate two independent clauses. In this case, a comma would suffice.
I love your writing style. Really. I haven’t read many pure fantasy novels that are so fluid. I think it needs a bit of scrubbing for grammar, especially punctuation use, but that’s small stuff. The writing’s good and I love the story line. I also think more focus needs to be made on showing and not telling. Spread out the backstory so the first part doesn’t read like an encyclopedia. I think this could be something.
If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts on it.
Good luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Robert! I’m getting closer to the ending of A Candle’s End and I want to say I’m having a great time! You have superb action in Chapter 28 and the ending was so dramatic that my heart thumped wildly. Your book is one of my most favourite in Authonomy, no doubt. It’s great I decided to keep reading it—now I’m eager to know what’ll happen next. Yet, here are a few suggestions for you on Chapter 28. I hope that’ll be helpful:
- Peria Secula had a fierce look on her face, as she gazed upon the sight of Dakain. [consider, ‘as she gazed upon Dakain’] … and they were in many numbers [perhaps this detail may be omitted];
- The sky was cloudless as the sun began … A few elite soldiers who stood next to Levi, shivered as they saw the sight of the grand army of orcs. [I’d recommend either ‘shivered at the sight of the grand army of orcs’ or ‘shivered as they saw the grand army of orcs’];
- “Listen, men” he said loudly [“Listen, men,” he said] … “There are a lot of orcs out there.” he nodded. [He nodded.];
- “FIRE!” he ordered … The dozens of arrows were released into the cloudless sky [perhaps no need for ‘The’ – ‘Dozens of arrows’ is okay, IMO];
- “Shields!” Peria shouted … who died only a second after, sacrificing its’ life for Peria’s. [its life];
- Wow! What a fierce battle! Well done, Robert!
- “It will take them a while to breach.” Levi whispered [breach,” Levi whispered];
- “As you can see…” Levi explained … We’re gonna ride in on them and do what we’re experts to do.” he instructed with a grim, but confident smile on his lips. [delete either ‘Levi explained’ that is at the beginning of the paragraph or ‘he instructed with a grim, but confident smile on his lips’ – one tag would suffice here] … He spotted an orc off guard and quickly took the orc down with his crossbow [‘orc’ is used several times here – it would be better to say ‘quickly took him down’];
- “So be it!” Sylvia said. “I will still finish you, with or without my flames.” she threatened. [consider omitting ‘she threatened’ – it is implied];
- “Aye. Your father’s brave one, Mike.” Kael complimented [Mike,” Kael complimented];
- “Well well.” Mike said [well,” Mike said];
- “Jill, Kael… This is not your fight. I will fight alone against Sylvia.” he demanded [Sylvia,” he demanded];
- Moments passed as Mike and Sylvia fenced … Mike managed to cut her several places [this is the third time in the paragraph where you use ‘Mike’ – I’d recommend using ‘He’];
- The sight of the two siblings fighting was indeed astonishing [I’d recommend changing ‘the two siblings’ for ‘Mike and Sylvia’ here because you use ‘siblings’ twice later];
- “I guess there’s no long rest for us then.” she grinned. [then,” she];
- Mike swung his sword in the air a few times … Instantly, as he touched the wall, it emerged beams of lightning [not sure of the verb ‘emerged’];
- “Never!” she cried as her blade came swinging. … and his Alekana glowed extremely much. [consider ‘glowed intensely’];
- “Mike …” she managed to breath [breathe];
- “Mike, I... I’m sorry.” Sylvia breathed [sorry,” Sylvia breathed];
- “Yes.” Mike nodded … “We all forgive you, Sylvia.” he said [Sylvia,” he said];
- “Sylvia … Don’t die. It’s gonna be alright.” he said [alright,” he said];
- “Don’t say that, sister. I love you … we can begin a new fresh start.” Mike said [start,” Mike said].
Oh, what a tragic ending of the chapter. I’m filled with sorrow, but surely this is an amazing read! Well done.

Chapter 29 – Drahk’Vyl
- Hours passed as the orcs bashed the walls of Dakain. The sun set and the first moon shined [shone];
- Oh, this is a grand battle raging here! :)
- A growling cheer was heard from the front orcs. … five-layered fortress walls, The orcs had marked out [a period after ‘walls’];
- It did seem hopeless, especially for Mike’s loss of his sister [consider, ‘especially for Mike after the loss of his sister’] … no more a Silvia to wake him up [not sure of the use of ‘a’ before ‘Sylvia’ – by the way, you need ‘Sy-’ not ‘Si-’];
- The companions spent hours through tunnels, corridors … The door itself glowed dimly with this red light. [this sentence is not needed ’cos I exactly pictured the door emitting red light after reading the sentence before it, just my opinion];
- “I’m not sure …” Jill regarded after a little while … Keep guard, while I disarm this trap.” Jill said [trap,” Jill said] … magma rivers and lava-covered mountains were in his sight [consider omitting ‘his’ here];
- “Damn!” Jill cursed as she heard a hard click [this paragraph is well done!] … With the reflexes of a swift thief, Jill sprang sidewards [again ‘Jill’ is used a number of times – ‘she’ would be better perhaps];
- “It’s alright, guys. There are no more traps.” she smiled. [traps,” she smiled.];
- “Surely, this cannot be the same evil Drahk’Vyl, we know.” Jill said [no comma after ‘Drahk’Vyl’; … know,” Jill];
- “This must be his human half then.” Mike joked [then,” Mike];
- “Hmm … Must be his personal book.” Mike muttered [book,” Mike];
- “Mmm, a journal probably.” Jill agreed [probably,” Jill];
- “23rd of Sapphirewing, 1st year of The Kingless Era …” Mike began. … (the stubborn Voldak is not easily persuaded).” Mike continued, finishing the first paragraph. A “hmm” came out of him as he [consider making it simpler, ‘Mike finished the first paragraph and . A “hmm” came out];
- “18th of Jadehammer. … Let’s she how long she’s willing to pursuit me...” [maybe “Let’s see how long …”, not sure];
- “1st of Citrinecast. … But I shall not accepts friendships [accept];
- A suggestion – perhaps you should put the words from the diary in italics – that would give the reader a better feeling that Mike is reading someone else’s writing;
- “So that’s how he became Drahk’Vyl.” Jill said [Drahk’Vyl,” Jill said] … We can’t let him do this.” she said to them [either omit the tag as you use a similar one at the beginning or change it for something else];
- “Aye. He has stolen too much, taken too many lives … We can’t let that scoundrel live.” Kael said [live,” Kael said];
- Suddenly the air was filled with an agonizing atmosphere; the three adventurers could feel the agony within themselves. Suddenly, they weren't alone [two sentences begin with ‘Suddenly’; the first sentence needs rephrasing – ‘agonizing/agony’ sound repetitive];
- “You’re a fool if you think you can defeat me.” the evil half-succubus snapped [me,” the] … Or so he thought. [it’s better to omit this sentence as it kills the tension for me – you’ll show us later that the evil one’s hopes for an easy fight against Mike turned out to be in vain – don’t rush into telling us about it beforehand];
- “You will pay for that, foolish human!” … Another swing with the Wyvern’s Claw almost killed Mike, if he hadn't rolled over to his right [consider ‘Another swing with the Wyvern’s Claw would have killed Mike if …’];
- “No. Get out and make sure the prisoners are safe. … but it seemed that the half-succubus was extraordinary skilled [maybe ‘was extraordinarily skilled’];
- “I hope he'll make it.” Jill gasped [make it,” Jill gasped];
- “Aye, he will. He’s trying to make up a plan. Let’s go this way.” he said [way,” he said];
- “But the prisoners are this way, Kael.” Jill corrected [Kael,” Jill];
- “Do ye really think he would have us look … he was fooling Drahk’Vyl.” Kael explained. [Drahk’Vyl,” Kael];
- “Really, ye should know him better than that, Jill.” he grinned [Jill,” he grinned];
- “Hey Drahk’Vyl! You’re a coward!” Mike suddenly taunted [be careful with ‘suddenly’ – do not overuse it] … in Drahk’Vyl’s black, full of rage, eyes [in Drahk'Vyl's black eyes, full of rage – maybe better like this though I’d prefer to omit the ‘full of rage’];
- “HALF HUMAN!!!” the half-succubus cried … the Alekana made its’ way through Drahk’Vyl’s chest [its way].
Excellent, I’m eager to read the last chapter!

Chapter 30 - A Candle’s End
I love the title! I’ve always wanted to find out why exactly A Candle’s End :)
- “No room for mistakes.” she whispered [mistakes,” she whispered];
- The fight went on viciously. Mike had to keep his balance … the blade emerging a magical explosion. [‘emerging’ worries me – not sure it’s the word you need; consider ‘producing’];
- “What in the name of Amaara is it that you’re doing?!” Jill asked [I think the dialogues should be less wordy as Mike’s in danger – consider “What in the name of Amaara are you doing?!”];
- “Easy, aye. This will work, Jill.” Kael replied [Jill,” Kael replied];
- Levi came back to reality as the repeated cries of his fellow Elite Soldier called his name. [consider, ‘ … he heard his name among the repeated cries of his fellow Elite Soldier.’];
- “Sir? General?…” the man had kept calling … there was one minotaur who carried a human on its’ back [its back];
- “Dammit!” spat Peria, delivering an angry elbow … She sneakingly ran through the flank [better say, ‘She sneaked through the flank…’];
- “And just where do you think, you’re escaping, traitor?” [no need for a comma after ‘think’];
- “Hmm.” she breathed, studying the look [“Hmm,” she breathed];
- “Let her go, men.” he ordered to his fellow soldiers. [men,” he ordered];
- At first, the Wyvern’s Claw viciously snaked itself … But the blade itself was an evil weapon of destruction, which Mike knew. The blade tried [consider, ‘But the blade itself was an evil weapon of destruction and it tried …’];
- “Kill him.” he ordered. [him,” he ordered] … Still attuned to Mike’s will, the weapon bend [bent] itself as it was thrown and made its’ [its] way through Drahk’Vyl’s lower neck, slicing the living life [not sure if ‘living’ is needed – if it is intentional then it’s ok];
- “NOOOOO…!” he screamed … The power within the half-succubus dragon-morphed body could not be contained as dead [do you mean ‘contained’ – not sure of the word used here] … gave more light with the constant sound of a thousand lighting bolts [maybe ‘lightning bolts’].

A very beautiful ending – “Evil is like a candle” – excellent, Robert!
A beautiful epilogue! You’ve created a great book, unforgettable characters and a compelling plot. I wish you the best of luck with it!

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan Amberlake

Robert, I read Chapter 27 - Spilled Blood – and here are a few suggestions for you:
- Levi stood on the large fortress walls of Dakain … Levi sighed under his breath [consider omitting ‘under his breath’] … Had the capital Dakain reached its’ end? [its] … A slight smile made its’ way [its];
- “I’m right behind you, son.” Michael whispered [you, son,” Michael whispered];
- “This is hopeless.” Jill breathed to Kael [hopeless,” Jill breathed] … As more and more orcs kept approaching closer [either ‘kept approaching’ or ‘kept getting closer’] … the ground where Kael stood suddenly opened, a debris of rocks [debris – no ‘a’ before it];
- “Torch!” she demanded and immediately one of the orcs who stood nearby the wall grabbed a torch and threw it to Sylvia. [too many unnecessary details here, IMO; consider making it simpler, ‘she demanded and one of the orcs grabbed a torch and threw it to Sylvia’] … Sylvia moved the torch, letting the fire touching her blade [letting the fire touch] … The bastard-sword was burning furiously [consider, ‘The bastard-sword burned furiously’];
- “You can do this, Mike.” Michael said [this, Mike,” Michael said];
- “I will get you, Mike!” the nearest voice came … the first one seemed dark, only lid by a few torches [lit by a few torches];
- “Ah, not these guys again!” Kael cried … Their face expressed sorrow [faces];
- “Hmm…” Kael said as he scratched his goatee. “Interesting.” he breathed [consider, “Hmm…” Kael scratched his goatee. “Interesting,” he breathed];
- “Use this situation wisely.” she whispered [wisely,” she whispered];
- “You’re dead now, brother!” Sylvia scolded … Laying on his back, Mike groaned [Lying on his back];
- Sylvia sheathed her sword, making the sheath … The news were indeed truthful [The news was];
- “It wasn’t armies, swords or axes it would take to win this war, it was the inner strength of their friendship.” [I love this sentence! Mike, Jill and Kael are great friends];
- “She’ll be here soon.” Kael answered [soon,” Kael answered].

It’s an extremely enjoyable book! Well done!
Kindest regards,
Ivan

A Candle's End

Hi Robert

I've read through the prologue and chapter one. You have a rich imagination here, this has the feel of quite a traditional Tolkeinesque fantasy drama and like Tolkein the start is quite slow. I am not sure if you actually need the prologue at all, it helps you to know the background but you might want to weave that back story in a little later in a more subtle way. Chapter one introduces us to Mike, the notion of peace being a special and unusual thing and to the village of Riverdale. All of these things are fine in themselves, but I think you need to believe a little more in your creation. Riverdale sounds a lot like Rivendell, might need to tweak that name, not sure you need to describe the name's etymology or highlight it with quote marks. Mike is enjoying peace but forgets the significance of the date, this threw me out of the story, if war had sullied his life so much I'm sure he would remember it's end date. You have the foundations of a great fantasy epic here, I love the title and the potential here, the great sweep of an alien's world history ready to be explored. Your style is clear and the dialogue is easy to understand, you might want to think about attributing dialogue less, let your character speak through he said and she said, the context will give us the inflection and their tone.

All in all you have so much to play with here, so much scope for your imagination. I enjoyed what I read and I am hopeful that at least some of what I've written might be helpful, best wishes and good luck

Andrew W.

Hi Robert! I’m so happy your book is getting the attention it deserves. I’m back to read Chapter 26 – Despair, and leave a few suggestions and comments. I hope they’ll be helpful.
- Mike was led into a chamber inside a huge cavern … while lid candles decorated the rocky walls. [perhaps, ‘lit candles’];
- “So this is your new room, hmm Sylvia?” Mike simply asked [consider omitting ‘simply’];
- “Psst …! Jill!” Kael whispered. She turned to face him. “It’s Mike. Maybe he’s got a plan.” Kael said [plan,” Kael said];
- “Jill. Kael.” he said [“Jill, Kael,” he said … – maybe like this];
- “Option number two.” Mike simply continued [two,” Mike continued] … “You live and you join Drahk’Vyl.” Mike finished. [‘Mike finished’ is not needed];
- “Surely we won’t join him.” Jill said [him,” Jill said] … while biting her lower lip in despise [‘despise’ is a verb; consider ‘in disdain’] … Sylvia, who stood behind Mike’s left shoulder was getting impatient. [shoulder, was];
- The couple were brought into another cavern, a large hall … Walking closer, she bend down to unlock it [she bent down];
- “Remember.” she coldly said. [“Remember,” she said coldly] … There’s no turning back.” she reminded them [back,” she reminded them];
- “Trust us, Kael.” she said [Kael,” she said];
- “I'm sorry.” he said [sorry,”] … “I am sorry, friends.” he repeated. [friends,”] … “I should have trusted you, Mike.” he said [Mike,”];
- “It’s okay now.” Mike said [now,”].

I wonder what will happen next. Sylvia seems to be influenced by Drahk’Vyl, and I wonder how Mike, Jill and Kael are going to escape. A very intriguing read :)

Kindest regards,
Ivan

Hi there, I can only comment on the first two chapters as that is all I have read for now, but I can see that this is an excellent piece of work. Your sentence structuring and characterisation bring the story to life. It is easy to become drawn to Mike, Sylvia and Gaia. Well done. WL'ed and highly rated!

Mae
'Ignited'

This is excellent fantasy! I back it with pleasure.

Andrew Sullivan

Hi Robert! Here are my suggestions for you on Chapter 25 – Betrayal. I’m having a great time with your book. I keep my fingers crossed for Mike, Kael and Jill. So here are the suggestions:

- “One at a time, then.” Jill instructed [then,” Jill instructed] … She had spotted something; a lever! [something—a lever!] … Kael noticed the lever and with all his force, he pulled it. [‘lever’ is used too many times here, consider changing it for ‘it’ in one of the cases];
- “Unggh!” he pulled as hard as he could. The gate was suddenly lifted from ground and as Kael slowly pulled the lever, the gate was methodically opened enough for them to enter. [‘The gate was suddenly lifted’ and ‘the gate was methodically opened’ are practically the same, so consider ‘The gate creaked open just a bit as Kael slowly pulled the lever. Now they could squeeze in through the opening.’ – I’m just experimenting :)];
- “That’s alright, Kael. Should be enough.” Jill said [enough,” Jill said] … her thoughts of their previous arguements [arguments];
- “I didn’t see that coming.” said Jill. [coming,” said Jill.];
- “One of us must stay behind.” … Ye guys go.” he said [go,” he said];
- “No.” Mike protested. [“No,” Mike protested] … We just need to figure out a way.” Mike said [way,” Mike said];
- “No, Kael. You can't just make such a choice.” Jill said [choice,” Jill said] … Letting go of the lever, the lever was slightly pulled back [ambiguity – consider ‘As he let go of the lever, it pulled back…’];
- “They win this time.” Jill said [time,” Jill said];
- “If we wanna live, we’ll have to surrender.” Mike said [surrender,” Mike said] … Each of the companions … were knocked unconscious. [was knocked unconscious.];
- They woke up hours later … Even minotaurs could be heard walking and roaring on distance. [in the distance];
- “Son.” Michael managed to say … like the orcs do.” he breathed. [do,” he breathed.];
- The next sight was more than shocking and surprising … Her hair was no longer blond, but it was black with red stripes and fury was burning in her light-blue eyes, that no longer were innocent, but filled with hatred and anger. [consider omitting ‘that no longer were innocent, but’ as it seems to break the structure of the sentence – “and fury was burning in her light-blue eyes filled with hatred and anger.” Though I should say I’d leave it like “and fury was burning in her light-blue eyes.” – as hatred and anger are the same as fury];
- “Sylvia..” he spoke with a sympathetic tone. “I'm your father and I love you.” he breathed to her. [you,” he breathed];
- “Look at me.” she said more [me,” she] … Drahk’Vyl can use you and your friends.” she said [friends,” she said];
- “We can only wait till he comes back.” said Jill. [back,” said Jill.].

Kindest regards,
Ivan

Hi Robert! Here are a few suggestions for Chapter 24. It gives us more action and nice descriptions. I had a great time reading it.
- The companions were getting much closer now. They had been venturing … and finally they reached a wooden gate [better, ‘…and finally reached a wooden gate’ – without ‘they’ the sentence sounds smoother];
- “Well?” she asked, still enchanted in her mind [consider omitting ‘in her mind’];
- “Well…” Mike began. “You’re the rogue here.” he simply stated. [consider please, “Well, you’re the rogue here,” he said. – you need to be wary of the word ‘simply’];
- “I think he meant us not to pass.” … Being in such a small number, the orcs were easily defeated. [you could rephrase the second part of the sentence to make t more appealing; consider “Being in such a small number, the orcs didn’t stand a chance.”];
- They reached some stairs made of stone, which hinted them … Jill was leading the way through a tiled stone corridor and she could sense something was wrong. [consider, “Leading the way through a tiled stone corridor, Jill sensed something was (terribly/definitely) wrong.”];
- “Stop.” she whispered [“Stop,”];
- “All good.” she nodded. [“All good,”] Mike and Kael, who were holding their breath as they were passing these large spikes, were surprised … [too many ‘were’s and ‘V-ing’s in this sentence – they need rephrasing – I’ll try, ‘Mike and Kael held their breaths as they were passing these large spikes. Jill’s ability of lock-picking and detecting traps amazed them.’ – just a variant];
- “Alright. Help.” she simply said. [Help,” she said.];
- I love the humor in the trinity’s dialogues :)
- “Let’s not fall down.” Jill smiled nervously … Looking over her shoulder, Jill noticed her friends’ worry [consider ‘her friends’ worried expressions’];
- Out in the night, the war was still raging on … neither the orcs nor Peria Secula had expected such a surprise. [consider something like ‘a turn of events’ instead of ‘surprise’ – ‘expect a surprise’ sounds a bit odd to me];
- “That will hurt him.” she whispered [him,” she whispered];
- The Elite Army came riding swiftly with their crossbows … If an orc came too close, the riding elite soldier would draw his longsword and slice the life out of the ill-fated orc. [“and slice (the life out of) him” would sound more natural to me];
- “Rest in peace.” he whispered [peace,” he whispered];
- “Rarrrrgh!” he roared as he came running … Dodged and blocked each others’ furious blows. [each other’s furious blows.];
- “No…” Levi gasped and shook his head … Die in honor.” the general said, as a few tears rolled down his chin. [Die in honor,” the general said, tears rolling down his chin.];
- The remaining orcs took their flee north with Peria… victory had taken its’ toll [its toll];
- “We flee, soldier.” he simply said [soldier,” he said];
- “Save us all, Mike.” he whispered [Mike,” he whispered].

This is a great story, Robert! Will try to return for more soon.
Kindest regards,
Ivan

Hi Robert! Here are my comments and suggestions for the Chapter - Battle of Dakain.
- 220.000 soldiers were gathered outside Dakain [I’d recommend splitting this paragraph into a number of smaller ones – at least three – it would be easier to read this way; and by the way, with thousands we’d better use commas – 220,000 – but I’m not really sure it’s that important to name the exact figures – consider using ‘a host’, ‘an army’, ‘a legion’ instead];
- Observing her army of more than 500.000 orcs, a cunning and sly smile appeared on the woman’s face. [you need to avoid ambiguity here – better say, “As the woman observed her army of more than 500,000 orcs, a cunning smile appeared on her face.” – ‘cunning’ and ‘sly’ are synonyms – better not repeat the idea, all the more you mention ‘sly’ in the next paragraph];
- Now it was Peria’s turn to order her orcs to fire. The last row of Peria’s army were all ranged orcs. [was all ranged orcs];
- Jordan fought bravely along with his army. … The orc took a hit with its’ rusty sword [its rusty sword];
- “It is no surprise.” he simply said as he stared out of a hole big enough to make a window [consider, “It is no surprise,” he said staring out of a hole big enough to make a window.’];
- “Yes.” she simply answered with her cold, yet young voice. [“Yes,” she answered] … to serve you, master.” said the woman. [IMO ‘said the woman’ is not needed];
- “Indeed. And you have earned your place with me.” the half-succubus nodded. [The half-succubus nodded.];
- “Thank you, master.” … “But … What if they won’t join you?” [“But … What if they don’t join you?”];
- “Then their deaths will be swift and painful.” Drahk’Vyl said [painful,” Drahk’Vyl said];
- “Arggggh!” Jordan screamed as he chopped … Getting on its’ feet, the orc swung its’ axe low [its – in both cases] – nice action in this paragraph by the way!
- “Oh, shut up.” he spat and cut the orc down [up,” he];
- Even Peria fought hard against the soldiers of Dakain … Peria's curved tip of her sword made its’ way [its way].

Nicely done! I hope to return for more soon.
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

On Chapter 22 - Wretched Minotaurs

Hi Robert! I read another chapter of A Candle’s End and would like to say I enjoyed the action here. The adventures of the trio are really enjoyable and I’d love to read more soon. Here are a few suggestions for you. By the way, I like seeing your book rising :)
- “I can’t believe you two actually went inside that valley just to save me.” Jill said [me,” Jill];
- Some distance away from the large mountain, stood a whole army of orcs, marching towards the capital. [‘stood’ and ‘marching’ do not seem to work together in one sentence – you need to change one for a more suitable word];
- “Ugh … Sulfur.” Jill complained. … but the real challenge didn’t lay in climbing the mountain [didn’t lie];
- As they proceeded higher in altitude … they spotted on distance a massive army of orcs [consider, ‘they spotted a massive army of orcs in the distance’];
- They continued for hours through the sulfurous mountains … lava would only result in fatal results [result/results sounds a bit repetitive, consider ‘fatal consequences’ or smth else that might be to your liking];
- As Kael kept venturing through more stalagmite caverns … stood before him, its’ two-handed axe drawn. [its];
- “Not these bulls again…” Kael whispered calmly … Kael took advantage of its’ tiredness. [its tiredness] … and sat on its’ muscular shoulders. The minotaur wildly moved its’ head … Kael pulled the axe off its’ chest … vision was blackened by its’ own death. [its – no apostrophe in all instances];
- “Not again!” Kael gasped. … Dead end!, he thought … Come on, Kael! Think!, he pressed [no need to put commas after exclamation marks – Dead end! he thought … Think! he pressed];
- The shake in the ground made Mike and Jill stop in a sudden. [not sure of ‘in a sudden’ – maybe ‘all of a sudden’];
- “Alright.” She sighed a little … “That one.” she smiled. [“That one,” she smiled.];
- “You know I couldn’t, Jill.” Mike answered [Jill,” Mike answered];
- “Thank you.” she said [“Thank you,” she said];
- “So, you were the one killing my men.” Voldak said [men,” Voldak said];
- “Come on, you wretched minotaur!” [the word ‘minotaur’ is repeated a lot in this chapter – you might add more emotion to the phrase by saying, “Come on, you wretched creature!” – no repetition plus lots of contempt in the phrase];
- Jill approached the cavern and stood beside Mike … Jill, confused, gave Mike a questioning look. [consider, ‘Confused, Jill gave Mike a questioning look.’];
- “Kael is the minotaur slayer.” he chuckled [He chuckled];
I love the action, Robert! I’ll read more soon.
Ivan

Wow! I like where this is going so far! Only read up to chapter two but I really want to read more! I'd love it if you would take a look at my novel, which is of the same genre! Am definitely going to be backing your book :)

On Chapter 21 – Hope

Hi Robert! I had time to read another chapter and here are my suggestions and comments:
- Jill’s corpse was placed upon the alter table. [altar table];
- “How long has she been gone?” Algon asked. … a white robe made of the finest weaved fiber materials [maybe ‘finest woven fiber materials’];
- “About two days.” he answered [days,” he answered];
- “Her spirit still remains inside the body … mercy upon this soul.” he said [soul,” he said] … The words “Ancient Gods” were quite unheard to Mike. [maybe ‘quite’ is not needed] … He couldn't believe in such tale [such a tale];
- Mike was even more surprised to see that the priest … make powerful spells, such thoughts ran through Mike [consider, ‘…powerful spells, he thought’ – it would be easier to read and you’ll avoid using ‘Mike’ too much];
- “Eerah mecka dibla divilla …” came out of the priest … suddenly Jill received her breath very deeply. [not sure if ‘receive’ is ok here];
- “No payment needed.” the priest kindly said. [needed,” the priest] … He thanked him a dozens times more. [a dozen times more];
- Kael entered the large temple … then turning his stare to the Mike [to Mike] … How?, he wondered. [How? he wondered.];
- “I’m so glad you’re alive!” he exclaimed. … Jill, too was excited about the temple, about its’ beauty [its beauty];
- “I thought it was a myth.” Mike said [myth,” Mike said];
- “When the three Ancient Gods created Amaara … This being made its’ own world [its world] … bedtime stories.” he said [stories,” he said];
- “The Banished Realm was then destroyed … it is the Ancient Gods.” he continued. [IMHO, ‘he continued’ is not needed];
- “Caused by the races.” Algon answered … Algon explained. The three adventurers understood this. [consider, ‘Algon clarified. The three adventurers nodded.’ – sometimes you need to look for new ways of expressing your ideas – it’s up to you of course whether to make any changes here];
- “Before you go, friends.” Algon said [friends,” Algon];
- “Divinegold.” the priest said [“Divinegold,” the priest said – by the way, another beautiful word – Divinegold :)] … there should be more than enough here.” he explained. [‘he explained’ - this tag is used too many times – try to avoid it];
- “As I said, I am doing what I am here to do.” he answered [do,” he answered];
- Away from the Mountain of Oblivion to the east … Entering the gate of Dakain, the soldiers recognized him as a personal scout for General Levi. [ambiguity – it should be ‘As he entered the gate of Dakain, the soldiers recognized him’];
- “Sir!” the scout gasped heavily. … And lots of minotaurs too, sir.” the scout informed. [‘the scout informed’ is not needed];
- “Sir?” the scout asked, not entirely sure of how the general received these news. [this news];
- “The coward Drahk’Vyl has decided to attack then.” the general said [then,”].
Wow! I anticipate so much more in the chapters that will follow! :)

Kindest regards,
Ivan

On Chapter 20 – Valley of Shadows

Hi Robert! I remember the previous chapter very well. To tell you the truth, Jill’s death shattered me. I look forward to reading the continuation of your incredible story and will comment as well.
- “How?” Mike asked, not brightened … He wasn’t quiet sure [quite];
- “Remember what Garth told us?” Kael began … Maybe there is still hope for Jill.” he finished, as he looked upon the corpse [perhaps it’s better to omit ‘he finished, as’ and write this way: ‘Maybe there is still hope for Jill.” He looked upon the corpse’];
- “Our path should be safe from here.” Mike said [here,” Mike said];
- As they approached the valley, they noticed … “We have to be careful now.” he whispered [careful now,” he whispered];
- “I know.” Mike interrupted him. “We’ll be fine Kael. Let’s go.” [“I know,” Mike interrupted him. “We’ll be fine, Kael. Let’s go.” - commas];
- “Arrrgh!” Kael groaned loud and dropped to his knees… its’ spine bone being visible … sticking out of its’ back. … Its’ two hands had somehow large … swung its’ dirty claws against Mike, but he ducked its’ attempt. … through its’ slimy skin [its – no need for an apostrophe in all these cases];
- “Aye. Thanks, Mike.” Kael replied kindly. [Mike,” Kael replied kindly.];
- It was not the last of them, on the contrary [consider, ‘It was not. On the contrary’];
- Valley of Shadows is well described – a horrifying place;
- They ventured inside the dreaded Valley of Shadows … screams and horrid voices were heard. [‘screams and horrid voices made me cringe/shudder/wince’ – choose one or put your version – this way you’ll show the impact these voices have on Kael and Mike];
- “Look there, Mike.” he pointed [Mike,” he pointed];
- “Hold on, Jill. We’re here.” he whispered as he patted the corpse of Jill. [consider ‘We’re here,” he whispered as he stroked Jill’s pale face.’];
- Kael, who fought more than a hundred skeleton warriors … In the beginning, Kael enjoyed [maybe ‘At the beginning’] … Finally!, he thought [Finally! he thought – no comma];
- “Enough of ye, damned creatures!” Kael cried out … to turn back to its’ transparency [its transparency];
- Mike was met by the divine priest, Algon Dorvin … In the middle of the temple stood a round and large alter [altar] … The stairs all around to the alter [altar] … straight down on the alter [altar].

I enjoyed reading this chapter, Robert! Well done! I hope to return for more chapters soon.
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

I love this book! :)

Hello Robert,

Your long and short pitched pulled me in from start. From a student of history and mythology I loved how you combined both of these elements. The prologue gave the reader an insider glimpse into the history of the world, good stuff. With this in mind, I do have two suggestions :}. Due to the it's essay type nature, it may be better as an essay attached to the book after the chapters. Or you could write it from the viewpoint of a wise sage to give it more of a personal feel.

The symbolism of MIke is the classical, Joesph Campel imagery, impressive! A hero willingly setting out on a adventure can only lead to a good story. On this subject, I also have another suggestion to take if you wish :}. You say he wants adventure, but what are the deep details of this attraction. Does he want to see far and distant lands for a deeper meaning? What is he lacking in life that is propelling him on this journey? How will these affect his adventure of self-discovery?

I really like this, and wish you the best of luck :} Top stars!

kind regards,

David Joyce
Faremyd

So simple a name, Mike, yet so unique his call is - A hero, struggling with the many losses, he's about to face. Will he prevail? Or will he fall in the dark hole of despair?

Read on and find out. A Candle's End - Only the first of three books.

Hi Robert
I've just enjoyed reading your first chapter. I sent you an email with some notes and suggestions. I hope you find them to be useful. WLed and rated :)

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

Hi Robert! I had time today to take a look at Chapter 19 - Deep Loss, and I should say I enjoyed it immensely. I’m happy to be back for more of A Candle’s End. I hope my suggestions will prove to be useful. Here they are:
- “I swear to ye, I did!” Kael said, now with a more serious look … but was too busy looking for the cave. They knew that the cave was somewhere [consider, ‘that it was somewhere’ so as not to repeat ‘the cave’ twice];
- Turning around, they noticed the amazing view over the Ssill Swamps… but now it was only a large ruin of the old kingdom. [just an idea, you may compare to it “a ghost” or “a shadow” perhaps – ‘but now it was only a ghost of its former self.’];
- Further inside the cave through twists and turns, Golgorath, the mighty purple dragon slept. [consider, ‘Further inside, around (or ‘among’) many twists and turns, Golgorath, the mighty purple dragon slept’];
- They quickly, filled with fear, sprang and crouched behind a large boulder [consider rephrasing it a bit, ‘Gripped by fear, they sprang and crouched behind…’];
- “We don’t have a choice now!” she replied, her heart beating rapidly. … They heard more fire bursting out of the dragon’s mouth and the boulder was becoming very hot. [dragon’s mouth, the boulder getting hotter] … Do something, Mike!, Kael thought and Mike could recognize the plead in his eyes [Do something, Mike! Kael thought – no need for a comma … the plea in his eyes];
- Golgorath slowly stepped forward, its’ gaze cornering the large boulder [consider, ‘Golgorath slowly stepped forward, gazing behind the large boulder’];
- “Vylanos...” The dragon repeated with its’ enormous booming voice [its booming voice];
- “She... She morphed with Drahk. Sorry for the news.” Mike said [the news,” Mike said];
- “You have to talk to him.” Jill whispered to Mike nervously. “He'll kill us, Mike.” she added, [him,” Jill … Mike,” she];
- “Tell me where Drahk is and we will avenge your sister.” … its’ voice trembling the huge cavern. [its voice shaking the huge cavern.];
- “You’re just gonna let us live?” … The dragon let out a chuckle as its’ claws [its claws];
- “I care not for you. The lizardmen will finish you, anyway.” the dragon replied [anyway,” the];
- Lizardmen? They were confused. … Their confusion was, however, exceeded by their disappoint[ment];
- “Aye, it had done us none good to come … Drahk’Vyl is only getting more powerful.” Kael said [powerful,” Kael];
- “Look...” Jill began. “Where would a villain like Drahk’Vyl hide?” she ask [consider, “Look, where would a villain like Drahk’Vyl hide?” she asked];
- “One on one.” she mumbled [“One on one,” she mumbled];
- Kael’s defense chances were little with his small axe. I need to get a shield!, he thought to himself [I need to get a shield! he thought – I think you may omit ‘to himself’];
- A few hours passed as they traveled through humid swamps, soon their heads were dazed by the moist and the swampy air [consider ‘their heads spinning because of the moist and the swampy air’];
- “Not again!” Kael let out … a group of lizardmen further ahead on the same road [further down the same road – would sound simpler];
- A hissing shout sounded from the group. … Jill eyed Mike horridly. [consider ‘Jill eyed Mike with apprehension.’];
- “Off the road!” Mike shouted to his friends. … Flying darts missed the adventurers, making a windy sound next to their ears. [consider, ‘Flying darts missed the adventurers, swooshing right next to their ears.’] … Instantly, an arcane missile blasted into Mike’s back, inflicting him a pain of burning inside his skin. The pain didn't make him stop though [consider, ‘Instantly, an unknown missile blasted into Mike’s back, inflicting upon him a pain of burning inside his skin. He didn’t stop though’];
-
Oh, what a dramatic ending. I would never think Jill would die. I thought the three of them were invincible. That came as very unexpected to me. I hope to read more soon.

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Hi Robert

I read the first chapter, and have made some notes about the odd thing which stood out. Overall, it is good, and has a good premise. The pitch is very good. Obviously, there's no point picking out bits that I particularly like, so my notes might sounds negative, but only because they're the kind of thing to look out for in further edits:

In the prologue, the paragraph about Drahk and Dakain doesn't read very smoothly.

I did a little double take when I started the main chapter and saw the character's name was 'Mike'. To me, it's a little bit jarring coming along with all those other fantasy names: Bram, Drahk, Gaia, Mike. Perhaps even just a different spelling. Myke or something. Just a thought.

The war ending 'one year ago today' might read better than 'one year ago exactly'.

You can remove the sentence 'that's what made the name Riverdale' as it is blatently obvious after you've explained that it's in a dale with a river running through it.

'[...]resident houses resided'?

Southeast and southwest, not east-south.

'[...] town hall consisted'. This doesn't make sense - although the reader will know what you meant, ending the sentence with consisted just doesn't work.

'Now he was full grown' not 'he's' - that is present tense and an abbreviation.

'two-years-elder sister'.

'[...]occurred to this house'? That doesn't really read right. There are a few instances like this where it just seems like you have tried to think of a good, mature word that would not normally be used in common speech, so as to make the writing better. It is not necessary.

Mike has just asked how he looks, and then when the sister answers, you specify that she was answering his question. That's really not necessary unless there was an interruption of other, unrelated dialogue, or perhaps 2 or 3 paragraphs between question and answer.

Lastly, you talk about Gaia being a childhood friend in two separate paragraphs.

There is nothing here that could not be easily fixed with an edit. Mine tend to have similar mistakes in them even after the first few edits, until I go through an edit with such things in mind. Above all, I would say in your next edit, you should take just about every descriptive sentence you have, and see what really needs to be in it and what can be taken out to make it read smoother.

It is good, and has a lot of potential; I think it will do well. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book too. Thanks :)

I love these types of story. You write in a very classical way! It is remarkable. Your writing is just great, and it is engaging! You were great at taking a theme and developing the story around your characters! Great job!

Dear Robert,
You are a very talented and special young man, and it shows in both your pitches and writing. A Candles End is a refreshingly good story, and all it needs is a little editing.
I know how hard it is to keep reading and editing your own work, after a while you read what you think should be there, and not what needs to be corrected. So get some help with it, it's worth it.:)
This is just one of my observations as a reader.
"She passed out right after giving birth to me."
It should read:
She passed away, or, she died after giving birth to me.
This however, doesn't take anything away from the story, it just needs a bit of attention.
The literary world is waiting to welcome you Robert, don't give up, please keep writing and best of luck with all your endeavours.
I don't know how long ago you updated your profile, but i wish you the best with your wedding and your Gaia.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Hi Robert. I see you sent me a friend request, so I decided to see what you write. I don't read fantasy stories, but I gave your first chapter a scan. My initial thought was their was a lot of narrative at the very beginning. For me, and that doesn't mean it's my way or the highway, I prefer to jump into ta story quicker. Narrative slows the beginning. I suggest you start with "Mike! Mike, dinner's ready," then skip more narrative and carry on with "There you are. Let's go. . . " Dole out narrative information in small bits and only when necessary. When you leave out information until later, the reader begins to ask questions: what war? who is Gaia Aiyan? To find out, they have to read further. In an novel there is plenty of time to show the setting as you characters react to their environment. It's the old saying, "Show don't tell." A little dialogue lesson: When you have a tag line such as he said, or she said, or he commented, etc, there should be a comma after the dialogue and then a closing quotation mark. IE "Thanks, sis," he said. . . If Mike had simply smiled, then you would write it, "Thanks, sis." He smiled.. . Remember you can't smile dialogue so the dialogue would end in a period. Any time you used a question mark or explanation mark, you used it correctly. So you need to go back and replace some periods with commas, depending on your tag line. Whoever Ivan Amberlake is, he's given you some excellent and detailed advice with your writing. I know correct gramma can be a pain, but without it, the editors will recognize a beginner. They are looking for reasons to reject manuscripts, because they receive so many. Even if your plot is fantastic, incorrect punctuation might cause a rejection. I have to disagree with cicula's comment. The "mechanics of any story" don't "manifest themselves", they have to be worked at and practiced until they are second nature. I hope you are not disheartened by this critique. I'm certain you have a great story brewing. Keep at your writing. Keep editing and refining your novel and when it's finally perfect send it out to publishing houses. I highly recommend, DON'T SABATOGE YOUR SUBMISSION, by Chris Roerden. Fabulous! As always, I critique with the best of intentions of helping my fellow writers. Feel free to take what helps you and ignore the rest. Best wishes! Carol Ritten Smith. Stubborn Hearts

Hi Robert! I’m so happy to return for more of A Candle’s End and here are some more suggestions for you. Chapter 18 - Ssill Swamps:
- “That would be thoughtful.” Jill said [thoughtful,” Jill said];
- “Aye, he had a guild.” Kael said [guild,” Kael said];
- “Aye, never mind.” Kael said [mind,” Kael];
- “You know...” Mike began as they went down a rough path. … Mike said to Jill. [you could use here smth like, ‘Mike turned to Jill.’];
- “Hey, I didn't know the effect would be that bad.” Jill replied [bad,” Jill replied];
- “Alright.” Mike simply said. [“Alright,” Mike said.];
- “The ring. Let me try it.” Mike coyly said. [here not to repeat ‘Mike … said.’ you may say ‘Mike reached his hand.’ or describe some action that would help the reader see what the characters are doing – that would make them alive ad believable];
- “You said it!” Mike interrupted quickly. “You said, why don't I try use the ring.” [try using the ring.”];
- “Okay, but I didn't mean it.” she replied [it,” she replied];
- “It's just that...” In a sudden, he attempted to snatch the ring of her finger. [maybe, “All of a sudden” would be better];
- “Alright, you win.” she gasped. [win,” she gasped];
- “Get a room ye two!” he shouted from his spot further away. … they took another second staring on each other. [staring at each other];
- As they kept journeying on the road for approximately two days … 'DANGER! DO NOT CONTINUE!'. [no need for a full stop at the end of the sentence];
- “Aye...” Kael nodded. “But they were destroyed entirely. … that was the old road to Freldor.” Kael informed. [Freldor,” Kael informed];
- “Well, last time I ignored a sign like this, I got in trouble.” Mike said [trouble,” Mike said – you may also say ‘Mike shuddered or flinched or winced – to show that he had a terrifying experience];
- “Aye, but this is different, Mike. Last time was the Dakain slums, this time it's Ssill Swamps.” Kael replied [Swamps,” Kael replied];
- “We have to do this.” she said. [this,” she said.];
- “Right...” Mike said insecurely. “Let's keep going then.” he said [then,” he said];
- Another night appeared. Sleeping in the swamps was certainly not the same as anywhere else. … Carnis-spiders were dangerous and poisonous spiders. [you may omit ‘spiders’ at the end of the sentence as ‘spiders’ is used several times in this paragraph];
- As they slept on their sleeping mats around the fire … Slowly rising his head, he listening to the distant appearing sound. [Slowly raising his head, he listened to a distant sound appearing. – perhaps like this];
- “Get down!” Kael warned him. … he managed to threw himself to the ground. [to throw];
- “Here it comes!” Mike said as he could slightly see the flying figure through the mist. … As it approached him, Mike swung his blade, making a deep cut in its’ tail. … They hurried to the creature, before it regained its’ strength. … Its' skin resembled a snake’s scales and was green in color. Its' wings were short as well, but its’ tail was quite long. … Its’ eyes were white, like almost any lizard. [in all those cases you need “its” without apostrophe];
- “No, not at all dragons. Wyverns are flying lizards … Their teeth and claws are very sharp.” Kael answered. [sharp,” Kael answered];
- “Alright. Let's finish him.” she said [him,” she said] … to get on its' feet, … jumped up and spread its' wings. … striking with its' claws. … Kael cut a wound in its' wing, while Mike plunged the blade hard into its' belly, [“its” – no apostrophe; I like the action here immensely!];
- “I'm fine.” Jill gasped [fine,” Jill gasped];
- “We gotta get moving. More of them are out there.” Mike said [there,” Mike said];
- The soaring wyverns of the sky were not gentle against them. [consider, “The wyverns soaring in the sky …”];
- “Here one comes...” he whispered under his breath. Roaring and wings bashing, the wyvern slowly hovered above Mike, its' teeth [its teeth];
- Kael looked over his shoulder to see Mike and Jill … Where's the third?, Kael thought [no need for a comma after the interrogation mark] … this wyvern was much larger than the two others [than the other two] … He swung his axe, aiming for its' head [its head] … the wyvern bit Kael in his right shoulder and continued flying its' direction [its direction] … Kael spotted its' deadly sharp teeth [its];
- Mike's powerful sword, Alekana, was already turning the outcome of the battle. … its' teeth [its teeth] … Finally the wyvern could no longer ignore its' pain [its pain] … he jumped forward towards it, grabbing its' long curled neck [its long curled neck] … I hate heights!, he glaringly thought to himself [no need for a comma after the exclamation mark] … The wyvern tried to swing its' long neck [its] … Kael forced himself up on its' back [its] … He kept holding its' neck [its neck] … Kael kept a firm grip on its' neck [its];
- Mike approached Jill, who was losing the fight against the hovering wyvern … with its' sharp teeth … she was its' secure prey now … swung its' long neck to bite her to death … Mike pulled out his blade and thrust it another time in its' stomach [its].

This chapter is action-packed, which really appeals to me. I’ll let you know what I think of the chapters that come next pretty soon.
Best regards,
Ivan (Thank you for your support, Robert)