Mankind's End

Dioganw, I read the first three chapters of your book. I was fine with the first chapter but started drifting away after that. I loved the flow of the book, but when it takes my brain cells a little work to start thinking about it then I can prove a little too much for me. I think if you maybe re edit it may help the book.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks Sean

Hi, Diogan. I thought I'd take a look at your fiction since I really enjoyed your non-fiction.

You have the basis of a good story. The pitch is excellent. And you're a good writer. But the story just isn't compelling. After readying two chapters, I don't want to read anymore. I think it may be that you're preaching through it and so the characters are just talking heads. For me, with fiction, the characters are everything and if they're flat, the story isn't entertaining.

Give that some thought and perhaps consider a re-write. There's a story worth telling here. It's just not being told in a compelling way. You could do better.

Lela Markham - The Willow Branch

Hi Diogan

I've read the first chapter & to be frank I won't be reading anymore. Two reasons, firstly the subject matter/genre is not really my cup of tea. Secondly The first section was so badly written that it put me off right away. However the second part did improve slightly so I did make it to the end of that first chapter.

It does seem like an interesting idea & I like that you end up using first person narration, but at times you seemed to be having problems with your tenses, (for example, 'but I did admit my skiing sucked', should be 'admitted .... sucked' or 'admit ... sucks').

I think this has potential but it does need a lot of work so it's time to get your head down & do it.

A return read & constructive criticism would be good.

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

I started reading this today. The pitch marks out an interesting idea, and the future prelude is gripping. I found going on from here though that the writing became looser and my interest was not held so keenly. The action slowed right down, and though I'm sure the background and build up is important I wonder if it needs to be stripped right down so that the action can get going again. Not being a writer myself I don't have any specific advice.

Highly rated, added to WL will back as soon as space. Sue 'It's a Dog's Life'

Ola Darlin... I was intrigued by the very first part... but honestly learning of finances and bonuses lost me... sent me searching for more of the beginning interest...I will come back and skim forward later :)
cheers
the Gypsy Mermaid

Hello, Diogan,
I read your early chapters and I think your book has potential with a little polish.
I would remove the intro 'The near future.' Lead your readers to that point in the body of the book because they like you don't know the future. It is telling not showing.
Start the book at the 'Warming rays...' and may I take the liberty of suggesting you re-write the first para like so...
The warming rays of the early morning sun chased away the chill and the darkness of the night at the same time as it trickled around the closed drapes (curtains) breathing wakefulness into the sleeping guests of the famed Fluela Hotel in Davos...
and in para 16 where you have 'Of course that had been...' - insert instead - that was fifteen years and several pounds ago...'
This removes the the repetition (fifteen) and the passive voice.
Please don't be offended , these are only suggestions and the book remains your baby to present as you wish.
Feel free to comment on my book 'George Barrington Hunter'. JB. Woods

Hi dloganw. Thanks again for your support of my book. I’m here to return the read. From your pitch it sounds like you have quite a lot going on in this story. You have an interesting premise—the man who’s supposed to save the world from demise is in a coma (or will be). Those are great stakes. I read the first two chapters.

You’re a strong writer. Your writing is concise and engaging, intriguing from the beginning. I really want to know who Eiija is because right now I’m thinking she’s pretty dang awesome even though she’s going to be a bringer of destruction. Nicely done!

You also have strong, concise descriptive language that is just enough to reveal the mood and setting without being overly rich and distracting. It’s perfect for a fast-paced read. I love the time-stamps, and the switch to first person from third person when we get inside David’s head worked very well, I thought.

Highly rated.

Thanks again for your support of my book, and it was a pleasure to return the read.

-Sarah E.S.

Shaping up to be a great read although David is a bit up himself if I'm honest and that put me off him a bit, also why do you always have beautiful blonde slim girlfriends again I felt a little cliched here and it made me wince!! I am 47, mother of three so please forgive me!
It is however very well written and fast paced. Highly stared, Karen.x

Hi dloganw,
I stopped by for the return read. Highly starred, and I have begun to send some balanced comments in email. I will wait to hear back. All the best.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

MANKIND’S END
This is a different than usual story because the main character, instead of saving the world, is lying in a coma. David is a good character altho I had trouble relating to a man who receives $250,000 bonuses. Are you sure you need to tell us his exact salary and bonuses? He’s so far over your average reader, I think a lot of people will have the same problem of not liking David so much. Aside from that, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hello dioganw-
book -Mankind's end'

Back in to read some more of this brilliant book again- Yes for the third time- Its' as i said before one of the
better books on this site- and i am flabbergasted that it is not on the editors desk by now for publishing-

This time i read chunks more for chapter 14- and it did not take me long to get on stream again-
as the read moves along at a tremendous ;pace- the story line travelling from South Korea and on to Miami Florida and back east again, as i said ' it's a mile a minute read'
love the communication between the South Korean president and president Obama and the answer he gets
when he pleads from help to stave off the North Koreans is just priceless.
and then that lady in the black dress and what she does to the guards when she is locked up, had me smiling to myself-
I will be back in to read more until i finish this thriller-

tom bye
book - from hugs to kisses'

Hi again.
I'm commenting for a second time after the addition of your short 'prologue'.
I think it's an improvement, but I'm not sure that it carries enough punch or awe factor to hook most readers in.

I've read a bit further into your story, and I think that it has real promise. Having said that, I think your description of events would benefit from a bit more emotion, or description of your characters' emotions, as I feel it hard to feel empathy in response to the events. I realise that your writing style is to describe with accuracy and clarity a sequence of events that are presented as matter-of-fact rather than emotional, but I think you may limit your audience by consistently writing in this manner.

If this were my story, I would start it off with your description of the fall of Baghdad, as of all of your book that I have read, this part held the most impact. To finish your hook with 'Everyone in Baghdad was dead.', without really telling us why or how at the start of your story, would give a huge incentive to read on.

Alternatively, if I was set against revealing anything of this event so early in the story, I would think about adding a new element to the story - a scientist perhaps, studying radio-waves or some other cosmic signal in the solar system, picks up a signal that strikes terror into his heart. This can be the first contact from Eeija, received right at the beginning of the story by one man only, and speaks of potential ruin for mankind.

For instance:
"Dr Dunstan Berghill could not believe what he was hearing. It was a human voice. At least it sounded human. At first he could not make out the words.
'huma ... ta ...forgotte ... reason for l.... th for all ... I ... ming'.
Dr Berghill, hands shaking, adjusted the satellite receiver's frequency by the slightest degree, and the message became clearer. His face grew white, despite his pounding heart, as he listened to the message from beyond the realm of man.
"This is a message to all of humanity. For too long you have taken the gifts offered to your race for granted. You have forgotten your responsibility towards the well-being of your world and the life upon it. You have forgotten your reason for living. If you choose to continue down the destructive path that you have chosen, you choose death for all humanity. Now is the time that you must change your ways, for judgement will soon be at hand. I am your creator. I am Eeija. And I am coming.'"

But you need to punctuate your book with moments of high impact and building anticipation. I also still think that it would be a good idea to start your chapters with some form of count-down like '7 days until the end of mankind.' in order to build anticipation.

Of course, all of this is just my opinion, and I appreciate that you may completely disagree! I say all of this through a desire to be helpful.

If you do choose to keep your new prologue, I advise that you give it a quick edit, as it contains some sentences in the past tense and some in the present tense. Stick to the past tense throughout (i.e. Eeeija did/said/was, not Eeija does/says/is)

Regards
David Southam

Hello there.

Many thanks for backing my book, The Keeper of the Sightless Eye.

Your story is well-written and engaging with realistic dialogue. My issue with it is the slow start. I must admit I did not get to any science fiction, as I found the first few chapters somewhat mundane. This would have been fine further into the story, to direct the plot and set up our characters, but I would strongly advise adding some form of 'hook' to your first chapter.

A taster of the conflict that is to come would be welcome, giving the reader a reason to read on. A snippet from a later chapter to start the first chapter might help, giving us a tempting morsel of what happens to the protagonist. Even just providing some sort of indicator of an impending event would help, perhaps starting your chapters with a count down rather than a date. 'Ten days before the end of the world', or something along those lines, to build anticipation.

In terms of your grammar, your work is quite polished, but I thought your story could use an edit where it comes to the use of commas. I've rewritten your first paragraph in a way that I think makes it read better and more clearly:

The bright, warming rays of the early morning sun beat against the windows and the outer walls, chasing away the chill and darkness of night. Sunlight trickled past drawn drapes on the east side of Davos’ famed Flüela hotel, breathing wakefulness into the sleeping guests.

A comma should be used before these conjunctions: and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so; to separate two independent clauses.
e.g. That pissed me off, but I admit my skiing sucked.

Use a comma to separate introductory elements in a sentence from the main part of that sentence.
e.g. Although I didn’t know it at the time, the opportunity was lost forever.

I hope you find this helpful and not patronizing, and wish you the best of luck with your writing.

Thanks again,
David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Dear David,

I had read your book more than a month ago and made some observations.
It felt great to come back to it and find that you’ve addressed one of those issues very well. Removing the prologue was an excellent idea. Despite how intriguing it was, I thought it set the wrong tone for the next few chapters. I remember that my mind kept wandering back to the old man in the trench coat outside the President’s office on a rainy day, and wondering what it all meant.

Anyway, enough back-story! :-)
Here’s what I think of the new and improved ‘Mankind’s End’.

David Kimball comes across as a classic hero. Smart, athletic and handy to have around when in a tight spot, he’s the perfect mix of brains and brawn. He’s easy to admire and aspire to. That can be a very useful trait in a protagonist. Well done.

Reading the first 2 chapters, one can’t help but be impressed with the dexterous use of 1st person POV, a strong and mature voice, impeccable grammar, and an overall crisp and effortless narrative. I had read them before, but decided to cherish them once again, and was pleased to see that you haven’t changed much. The discourse on financial derivatives and the subsequent dig at sub-prime lending were particularly interesting and lent credence to the plot.

The real story according to me begins with chapter 3. Edward Kimball is an intriguing character to say the least. His mysterious research and unexpected call to his son gave a sudden forward thrust to the story. The David – Kathy equation and their subsequent altercation lent a new twist to both David’s character and the story.

Chapter 4 and 5 digress from the linear narrative as David goes into flashback mode. The David – Karen episode was heart rending and the reference to 9/11 was so very poignant. David’s subsequent frivolous attempts to find peace were equally well crafted. And then, chapter 6, though still in the same vein, touched down with the main flow as I got to know how Kathy and David first met.

End of chapter 8, I still had no word from Edward or from the mysterious Eiija mentioned in the pitch. But I knew one thing. You have this story very carefully planned out in your mind and are following it diligently. I can also see this as reaching an impressive word length of not less than 150K. I stopped there and plan to come back later. But, I do have a small suggestion. You may need to rewrite your pitch in order to properly address readers’ expectations.
This is no ordinary story, my friend. Best of luck with it.

My rating: 6 STARS (Undoubtedly!)

Warm regards,
AGC

The start of this story feels to drag on and on with little happening. Of course the author is introducing the characters and explaining background stories but there is so much information, along with little of the actual story appearing, that it honestly is quite boring. I would have been more interested had there been a catchy prologue. Sometimes it is best to introduce the background of characters throughout the book instead of all at once. The writing style is fair and the dialogue feels rehearsed (this is not a bad thing and can be quite suspenseful in many instances). As for the originality, there are other apocalyptic stories out there with a hero waiting till the last minute to save the world. The story has it differences but the plot is popular with film industries that never seems to sell well. I agree with other posts about the well written 1st person style and grammar. As this is my opinion and others may disagree, I do not see much uniqueness for this to be appealing to publishers.

This book gets off to a slow start but is compensated by excellent writing. The wealth of information about stock markets has obviously been well researched and ties in well events that are happening in the real world. The language flows easily and thankfully there isn't too much repetition of the word 'I' which seems to occur in most novels written in 1st person.

While this is not my genre and I may not be the best person to comment, I can't deny talent when I see it. I found myself engrossed in David and his worldly problems. His life is richly described in the kind of detail I could only hope to achieve. Having read up to chapter 7, I am thoroughly impressed. Well done!

Best of luck with this :)
Yasmin
- Guileless

Gripped by the pitch and it's also a book that's right up my street. The storyline flows well and no real issues when it comes to grammer, layout etc...it's all very well-written.

I've read the first few chapters and already wanting to read on, so it's staying on my watchlist!

Lee Connor
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

Interesting. In 2003, a friend warned that the economy was tanking and that the policies were making it worse. Hardly anyone believed him, but now that it's happened, I don't see any real change. Backed~

I enjoyed the first chapter very much and it had me wanting to read on. I then felt that there were too many side lines and that the pace slowed as the story drifted too far from the opening chapter without tie ins.
Broken down, each section of the writing is excellent, it is the overall flow and maintenance of reader expectation (for want of a better description) that makes me stumble a bit - just my impression and could well be to do with reading on-line.
It is very hard to step back from the work when you have written it because you know all the story (and the back stories too) but I think with some overall tightening and a stronger connection to the opening chapter maintained through the first 5 chapters somehow, it will be a great book.

Good luck.
Andrew Marfleet
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

I think you have a really clear idea of how your story should pan out. That comes across clearly from the opening few chapters. The first chapter - prologue - I found very intriguing. But I feel that Chapter two is a bit of a slog. Far too much background information and a soggy section with the dialogue about the impending financial crash. I also think you should probably stick to 3rd person. My novel originally was a mix of third and first person but after a few comments on here I managed to convert it. I felt wary about doing it but once I did I was pretty certain it was the right thing to do.

I think by chapter three you had got right into your stride and the flow of events was much smoother and the character introduced here, Kun, seemed far more likeable. The preoccupation with salaries in chapter two had been a huge turn off for me and this had rubbed off on my opinion of this character.

Overall, I'm pretty keen to check in on this again and read further as the plot intrigues me. So far though I think a bit of an edit might be needed. Please don't let my comments put you off in any way, keep at it, but I always believe that honest criticism is the way forward for this site and the writing of the community here.

Douglas Cairns
Leverage

It seems a bit of a fad these days to mix a story written in 1st person, with all sorts of different characters in 3rd person, sometimes even those also in 1st person, thought at least, labelled. It never fails to irritate me, when it is simple and easy to write in 3rd person, as '' close' 3rd person as desired. ( 'Omniscient' is the best, as you can tell the reader whatever you want to tell them, without needing a character to know or discover any particular thing. )
Aside from that, your writing is impeccable, with a good flow, and the plot is absolutely intriguing. To be backed, Marj.

You have a great voice that comes off to the reader right away, but I feel like you have made this too simple. It feels like the author is holding back just a touch. Your dialogue is great though and you make the pacing help the smoothness increase the farther in you get. And interesting opening scene with the man at the white house and how at the end of the chapter you interest the reader by saying President Truman never got the message. You have an interesting approach to describing various things, but it goes with your voice well. Interesting progression and idea. I wish you the best on reaching the Editor's Desk. It will be interesting to see what they think about this. Great work.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

I like these Apocalypse stories, for they trigger such a powerful emotional response in everyone. You got such a wide knowledge in politics and science, and that's what makes you a potential bestseller. Nice work.

Hello Diognw-
book- Mankind's End-

read some six chapters of this gem of a book some time ago;
and in again now and just finished reading chapters six to 14.
To say it's full of intriguing plots is an understatement; in fact it puts a James Bond movie to shame; as it moves from state to state and country to country. Each chapter telling a gripping and informative tale; should i say 'sky news in print', only more detailed by far;
In fact got so wrapped up in the arrival of 'Eiija' the God of all and creator of the earth and issuing a proclamation to all and sundry 'be good or else' that the pages would not turn fast enough for me; the suspense just keeps building all the time; brilliant prose here.
In fact, at this stage i had forgotton what has happened to David as he lay in hospital in switzerland and to the blonde Kathie.
The book offers a powerful vision what could be or could happen if a story like this really came to life.
It Is just one very good and an up the to minute engrossing read and futeristic of course; will be back in to read more soon; it has to be digested slowly as it is a deep and serious read and so imaginative.

good luck
tom bye Dublin Ireland
book- from hugs to kisses'

I just come back to follow up your book. Good luck.

I have read some of your book and it is interesting. One thing you might want to watch out for is referring to present political figures in a negative or positive manner. In doing so, you may alienate up to half your potential audience who disagrees with your political view. I would say the administration did this or that. Unless it is 20 or 30 years have past and the history is set, then be careful in mentioning current leaders in historical content that hasn't been set yet.

I am very intrigued by your premise and the various elements to your story. I don't think I have read far enough at this stage to see how you deal with very topical and sensitive issues but if these are well done, I think you could have something compelling. I also like your writing style and layout, I think it makes times and exchanges easy to follow in what could otherwise be very complex read. Be careful in places to show and not tell, for example "the wide eyed expression on his face looked to be one of innocence and confusion".

I will return to read on as I like what I have seen so far and have star rated on that basis.

Good luck.

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Hello Dlognw-

book - Mankind' End--

let me start off by saying, that in my opinion, this is one of the better reads on this site;
having read the prologue and pitch and tags stating science fiction. i was a bit put off as its is not my normal genre to read.
I have just completed reading the sixth chapter and made a note of having to read more; as i really want to read about what is going the happen to David as he gets over his frustration after losing Karen and now with the blonde bombshell, from Texas. and of course the man who had a warning for the president earlier on.
This book is so full of intriguing plots it is a must read, in fact it is just waiting for a film to happen .
The pitch itself has great pull in power as it mentions 9/11, strip clubs. lesbian and an array of other things,

love when David after Karen left him, and losing interest in his work; his boss say;s' shaper up or ship out'
and then the shock treatment after getting loads of women into bed to wake up and discover one of them is a transvestite !!
It's one book that certainly grabbed and held my; attention from the off , and so easy to reading in a nice flowing style, not to mention a beautiful text, so easy on the eyes.

wish you good luck with it and it get my six stars with pleasure/
tom bye ; Dublin Ireland
please oblige and read some of mine and comment if you like it , however different the genre and style .

I would work on a new title. Something that will make someone say 'cool title'. Because that will get someone to pick up the book and read the back or read the first chapter or whatever. I can't think of anything right now but if I do, I'll tell you.

Prologue
You might want to somehow create a way how the reader can figure out why the man was limping but so Fred can’t. So when Fred thinks it’s another reason, it will come off as very funny and add to Fred’s character. I’m not sure how you would do it though. :/


‘After looking him over carefully . . .’ comma missing

‘. . . standing there he smiled’ comma missing

‘ . . . important,” Fred nodded.’ should be ‘important.” Fred nodded However, with that said would Fred really be nodding while he said that. Seems a bit strange. I think he would have a stern face and be very relaxed. he wouldn’t nod but use police like calmness in his hand gestures. But I don’t know the character that well so since you do just take a look and see if you agree or don’t.

‘no but’ comma missing

‘I need to speak to him” missing period or ‘!’

instead of describing his brown hair in the beginning do it when he brushes back his hair with his left hand because you are doing a specific action and causing us to focus on it and I kind of forgot what color hair he had. I had to go back and see. So if you say ‘ . .. back his wavy brown hair’ we will have a great image of that.

‘this afternoon.” he asked’ delete ‘he asked’. we know he’s speaking

read the letter and’ comma after letter

‘it’s important they’ comma after important

‘after a few second he continued’ missing comma

“But I don’t have time . . .” The action in this paragraph seems a bit much. Too much looked there and turned there.

delete ‘a pause’ don’t need it.

instead of the man waited. he considered maybe: The man considered Fred’s suggestion.

‘ever again’ comma missing

I like how you said the man walked for approximately 500 yards because it shows Fred’s voice. he seems to be of military background or at least have a mind set of one because of his duty.

Why state the man’s name now? If you are changing POV’s then you must put some kind of symbol to show a separation for the transition to work better.

Don’t think you need to give the President a name unless if he plays a bigger role. But now I rather you just say the President and leave out truman

I haven’t quite decided if you should put chapter 1 on the next page instead of keeping it on the same page as the prologue. For some reason this is a difficult one for me to decide.

the second the MC thought ‘how I’d love to be that cello.’ I was wondering how old he was. Just reading my thoughts. I was guessing mid-twenties.

‘after thinking about her question . . .” sentence is missing a comma

LOVED how his mother spotted how he couldn’t stop staring at the cello girl. LOL. great moment.

When David called Karen, all I thought was OMG what is he saying, which is good because I’m talking back to your book/character. That means I’m interested. But back to how I felt. I was like AWKWARD! :) And THEN he asked her out. I think I was blushing. Jeeze, David you got some balls.

‘afraid she might file a complain’ dah!!! LOL. stupid David. what was he thinkin’? LOL. What a great end to the chapter. I LOVED it. You have brought me back to reading books again which I have been not doing lately because I’ve been reading tooooo much and they haven’t been that good. So the past two days I have been just reading the books that interest me. If I don’t like it, I don’t comment or rate, and move on. But I continued with yours and finished the first chapter which makes me want to know more because how David acts and if something might happen with him and this girl and then to the story of a coma patient. GREAT! GREAT! GREAT!.

Hi Dloganw,

Was attracted to your title first. Simple and to the point, and who isn’t interested in a good apocalypse story? So I hope you don’t mind me stopping by.

Short pitch and long pitch:
Both start off well, but I’ve never been a fan of using direct questions to the reader. I think it’s way more effective to lead them to the questions with good writing rather than asking them outright, but maybe that’s just me.
In the second paragraph, it’s a big, big mistake to talk to the reader directly that way. Comes across as hackneyed. Rather, I’d suggest focusing on action verbs and the hooks of the story.

Chapter One:
The first line should be “A tall, rather plain-looking brown-haired man…”

“As the distance between the man and the security gate shrunk…”
Needs to be a comma after “shrunk”

“wide eyed” needs to have a hyphen between it

“After looking him over carefully…”
Should be a comma after “carefully”. It’s a subordinate clause (just like before with the sentence that starts with “As”). Sentences that start with continuation words like “as”; “but”; “when” etc. are usually subordinate clauses of the sentence and require a comma before the independent clause.

“The president’s a busy man” President should be capitalized.

You say “the man” a lot. Describe him. Give us something else to identify him with if you’re not ready to give him a name.

Great dialogue and good, fluid writing. I think a punctuation scrub would help, but overall this is a good start to an intriguing story.

Good luck with this. High stars from me.

I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. If not, no worries, but I’d love to know your thoughts on it.

Thanks and all the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Short pitch: 'awaken' is a somewhat archaic form of 'wake'. If you use 'wake', the rhythm of that second sentence is far better without changing the meaning at all.

Long pitch: using 'eventually' in the first sentence of a pitch feels wrong, and makes the reader assume they're going to have to wait ages for anything to happen. Again, I would use 'wake' rather than 'awaken'. You could usefully cut 'An even more mysterious force'. It's too abstract and generic.

In the second paragraph, the mention of 9/11 makes me think this is a conspiracy theory novel. If it isn't, then get rid of 9/11 from the pitch. 'gain insight into the financial crisis of recent years' sounds like a dull banking report. A 'cello player' is a 'cellist', so no need to use the two words. Always be as pithy as you can in a pitch. I'd call her an Israeli cellist and have done with it. 'beautiful and sexy' is a weak description. Leave it out. You use 'beautiful' (only misspelled as 'beatutiful') again in the next sentence for the lesbian. Again, either omit the word, or find a more interesting adjective. The last bit about the 'interesting' ideas is a turn off. Anything that claims to be interesting almost certainly isn't. I would probably omit all of this paragraph and just stick to an amended form of the first one. If you want to keep the information in the second, it needs to be much snappier, I reckon.

Chapter one. Except that it isn't: I see you've written a prologue. These are unfashionable, rightly or wrongly, so I'd be wary about doing this. Better to put it as the start of chapter one, then a line of asterisks or something and continue with the rest of the chapter.

You've used six adjectives in a row to describe the subject of the first sentence. Normal advice is to use none if you possibly can, or just one if you absolutely have to. This sort of advice can be usefully ignored, of course, but I think six is still pushing it a bit. Is it essential for the reader to know that the man has brown hair at this point? Or at any point? Is his height essential to the plot? Might be. Maybe just keep the height. 'A tall man limped towards...' I honestly think that's all you need. The rest, if it's important, can be drip fed in as you go along. I expected you to continue using half a dozen adjectives for each new person/thing, but you don't, and the rest of the prologue is readable and sufficiently believable to hold my attention.

Chapter one. Opening paragraph is far too wordy, and possibly redundant. Be careful about repetition. You have one paragraph starting 'I wasn't a fan of classical music' and the next starting 'Despite not caring for classical music'. This chapter would have been livelier with some more description of the concert; perhaps showing the mother slowly becoming aware of her son's interest in the cellist, rather than simply telling this through dialogue.

General impression: you possibly have an exciting and intriguing story here, but the writing is a bit bumpy. I would go through it very carefully, checking that the information is presented in the most imaginative way you can and not simply reported after the event. Try and make the dialogue a bit more quirky. I've just had a glance at chapter two, and the phone conversation gets the information across but it doesn't tell me much about the people speaking. When David gets to meet Karen, again you go crazy with the adjectives: 'She was slightly above average height at about 5'7"' for example, is a terribly long-winded way of saying there was nothing exceptional about her height, so I would leave it out all together. Pick on one point about her appearance that matters and that makes her different to everyone else. Leave the rest to the reader to fill in.

there are several types of stories i back on this site, one is a literary piece, often dedicated to an inner drama that uses evocative langauge in an interesting way to describe and present drama or comedy, then there is the one that just tells an engaging story, a page turner, one that has the reader reading on to see what happens, even if the reader disagrees with ideas and characterizations presented in the story, i think this piece is of the latter, this is a good yarn, i am going to back it, a writer writes to communicate, getting a reader to read is the object, the language is deceptively plain, but quite smooth and allows the reader to move along, it allows the reader to concetrate on the story and not the writing, i like that, though the characters seem stereo types and the political and economic notions simplistic and opinion, they are valid enough to allow the author's creation the reader's willing suspension of disbelief, i read about twenty chapters and might go back and read more, best wishes, and if you would could you take a look at one of my pieces,

Popped in to read a bit. The premise seemed interesting. And the end of the prologue really got my imagination going. I din't read far enough in to the novel to know, but it seemed as though, something, someone, more powerful than this war veteran flipped a switch on inside him and sent him to deliver a message. I really like that a lot. I do think the dialogue between the cellist and your MC was a bit stilted. The sentences were written correctly, but most people aren't that wooden in their speech patterns. Mine flowed the same way and i din't notice it until I read it out loud.

Best of luck
KeepWriting
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Popped in to read a bit. The premise seemed interesting. And the end of the prologue really got my imagination going. I din't read far enough in to the novel to know, but it seemed as though, something, someone, more powerful than this war veteran flipped a switch on inside him and sent him to deliver a message. I really like that a lot. I do think the dialogue between the cellist and your MC was a bit stilted. The sentences were written correctly, but most people aren't that wooden in their speech patterns. Mine flowed the same way and i din't notice it until I read it out loud.

Best of luck
KeepWriting
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

I must say that your premise has a lot of information to be looked at during the first glance. The story seems decent to me but I cannot comment further until I read more of it. Frankly, you can slightly rephrase a lot of sentences to give the reader much more reason and interest to look further because you do not want a genuinely good plot to be over looked after the introduction. This is just an opinion and I am sure I can help further when I read more.

Shah

Your pitch needs work. Rather than 'potential saviour of manking' (weak) it needs something more punchy, e.g. The Messiah is in a coma/ The Chosen One lies in a coma. The verb is too far along in the sentence. The closer to the beginning of the sentence, provides for more dynamism. 'One third of Humanity is decimated'. Short sentences work better in a pitch, and one needs to work very hard for every word. It's a great opening that Kimball is in a coma, but you weaken, more or less letting us know who and how he will come out of the coma fighting. In a pitch it doesn't pay to repeat information. Information is valuable in a pitch. It needs to be economical and to the point. The name Elija doesn't work for me. It seems gimmicky. Elija, as far as I remember, was a previous incarnation of Jesus. It doesn't resonate properly...in my opinion. And it certainly isn't contemporary given the context your placing your plot. If you're marketing it towards all the Christians on this site, please don't, it would be cheap. ;)

The second paragraph raises my interest, makes it contemporary. But its a bit of a gulf. You've jumped from a highly imaginative plot to a contemporary context without bridging them. Makes it less credible. And then you list what we will read about in your book. You need to wet our appetite. It would probably work better as a journalistic headline. Or, 'Kimball knows the secrets of 9/11. While he sleeps, he holds the keys to the financial crisis" I'm hamming it up, but perhaps you get a bit of my drift. Your characters sound interesting and varied, but you short change yourself by not launching us immediately into their names. Again you can't allude to our hero's going to a strip club, if he is in a coma. "Mao flee Tung drops books and principles over Harvard lesbian, Miffy Itchycrutch". I'm intrigued. I'll put it on my watchlist. When the pitch is tops, I'll read the rest.

Your plot is excellent, great native, and well crafted story; you need to improve characterization. This must reach the market.

It's a clean, uncomplicated writing style but does little to raise the characters off the page. The beginning promises some excitment, which quickly fades into three more chapters of what amount to everyday dairy notes.
I couldn't read more of the same but the pitch hints that it might develop into something more engrossing.

Intriguing idea and a clever opening, with a lot of potential for plot development. However, I felt that the next few chapters moved rather too slowly to make best use of this. Personally, I 'd like to seem some earlier hints at a connection with the opening.

I also think that your pitch needs a bit of work. To me, there''s too much description of what's in the story. As I understand it, the pitch isn't supposed to be a synopsis, but a hook to get a reader interested. I'd suggest that you consider it in that light.

This points aside, you have the elements of a good story here, and I'll put it on my shelf for a while.

Great Stuff David,

Good plot,dialogue, characterisation and a fast paced easy to read and moving plot. These are the characteristics which make the reader want to come back to a book and to achieve the authors holy grail... ' I could not put it down'

Much of what you have here ticks all of these boxes and I have kept this book on my shelf because of the huge potential. There is still much to do to make this the finished article, but I will defer to the comments made by others who seem to have picked up on the more salient points that need attention.

One aspect I will comment on, is your pitch. This is the kick start to the sale of a book and it does need a little tidying up. As the short pitch is often read in conjunction with the long pitch, you can remove any repetition and I just think it needs tidying up a bit generally.

Overall, I am still more than happy to continue to back and with a little justice and a little patience. This should make it to the desk.

Hi there,

I have given your book a 6 star rating, it deserves to go to the editors desk and soon. I wish you the best of luck with it, a great read.

All the best,
Keith.
I have several books on my list, feel free to check them out.. Cheers.

Helen Rose wrote 1 day ago
Wow, your book is really great. It's well written and extremely interesting. I'm so glad my friend David asked me to take a look at it.

Frank Sabetan wrote 5 days ago
Dear Patrick:
It is my pleasure to read your book. I really appreciate my friend--David recommend your book to me. I just start to read and I believe I will fall in love with your work. Good luck.

Scott S. wrote 8 days ago
My friend David keeps recommending me to read your book. Once I started to read your book, I got the reason why he did that. Thanks for your nice work.

Patrick Brockers wrote 10 days ago
Hi, Patrick:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well.

*

written 10 days ago
Hi, Steve:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Leila:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Patrick:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Paul:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Allan:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Allan:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Kenneth:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. view book

written 10 days ago
Hi, Brian:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I

written 10 days ago
Hi, Karen:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well. Congratulations! view book

*

H’m, so all these “not yet ranked” friends of yours turn up at a steady rate to offer support to ranked authors until such a time as the ranked author pops over to support “friend” David’s book.
Full marks for effort - a lot of effort for a no-prize!
But come on, David, you are fooling no one - apart from perhaps yourself.
No matter how many friends help you get to the desk you are doomed to failure. Your book is poorly written and suffers terribly from “tell not show” syndrome.

“…watched carefully as the man drew close. Looking him over carefully…”
How careful does any one man need to be?!

Spend more time on your writing and less on your spamming.

Thanks for passing on the helpful information.

I read Mankind's End before and am checking back in to see all the changes that have been made. Even before, I enjoyed the book very much. There is a lot of action and author Dloganw creates some amazingly detailed characters that seem to come to life on the pages. This is a fictional tale with roots solidly inside the modern and very real world. I think that is what helps to make parts of it rather chilling.

I am happy to see that the mistakes of the past have been fixed as well. Before, this was a beautiful but somewhat flawed book held back by some overly repeated phrases and simple grammatical mistakes. Now, those bugs have been squashed. The book in its current form could find a space on any bookstore and would be well-read and even loved by those who enjoy adventurous thrillers.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Many thanks for your suggestions. I am working on implementing them and should have a revised version to post within the next two days. In the new posting the chapters will be much better organized so I hope you will wait until then before reading and commenting any more. I really find your style of commenting and suggesting helpful and hope you can assist me more. I will do my best to return the favor.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Intriguing 1st paragraph. Something momentous is certainly going on.

I've a suggestion on adverbs, though. 90% of the time a strong verb will do a better job than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg in "...limped slowly..." we can infer the movement's awkward/slow from the verb. As such, the adverb isn't needed at all. Most of the time, a good verb choice will mean there's no need for an adverb. Adverbs are only useful when there isn't a verb that fits just right. That's what I think, anyway. :)

Reading on... Nice dialogue. I can see this strange man's agitated and really needs to see the president. Without an appointment, I don't fancy his chances, though. ;)

1 suggestion. I don't think you need beats and speech tags in the same places. eg in " "... I understand it's important, " Fred said, nodding..." we can figure out Fred's the one talking from the action. So " "I understand it's important." Fred nodded.." would work better, I think.

Reading on... the strange man's threat really comes out of nowhere. Until now, I'd assumed he was a harmless nutter or an academic bringing warnings of doom. I almost laughed when I read his threat. It was just so incongruous. :)

Hmmm and then we get the oddity of Charles not remembering what's going on. V strange. Is he being manipulated by somebody/something? Or is he just crazy?

Ominous chapter end. The message was never delivered. I think something v bad is coming. I want to read on and find out what will happen. ;)

Chapter 2: Interesting change to 1st person. I know you said something about editing, so I won't nitpick this.

Reading on... I almost feel sorry for him, being dragged to the concert against his will. Lucky he found some eye candy. ;)

I've a suggestion here. I think your story would be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "How I envied that cello" is telling the reader a fact. You could show for the reader instead by using his thoughts direct. eg "Lucky damn cello." I think this sort of technique would really help get the reader inside his head.

Reading on... I like the dialogue. It feels real and flows easily.

I've a suggestion about dialogue, though. I think it's always best to lead off with dialogue wherever possible, as opposed to burying it lower down in a paragraph. It makes for a quicker and easier read. eg "I smiled. "Good idea..."" could easily be rejigged to ""Good idea." I smiled..."

Reading on... not a surprise he got shot down with respect to the date. She probably thought he was a bit of a creep or a wierdo for ringing like that. He's persistent, though. I'm surprised to see her actually give in by the end of the chapter.

Chapter 3: The date. I like him trying to slip out of the classical music question. Their interaction's good. I think the talk about everything and nothing, while pleasant, goes on a bit too long, though. At this point in the story, I'm mainly wondering about the strange man and the ominous warning in the 1st chapter. If possible, could you shorten the date scene?

Chapter 4: More good interaction between him and Karen. It reads well and easily, but I'm still wondering about that ominous warning.

Chapter 5: The 9/11 disaster tears Karen apart, quite unsurprisingly. He goes into a downward spiral too.things are looking grim for both of them. I feel sorry for them and want to read on to see if they manage to sort their lives out.

OK I think I've read enough now to get a feeling for your writing and story. You've an easy readable style that flows v nicely. Your dialogue's well done, and I think you a good job of making us feel sorry for Karen and David. I can imagine the reader wanting to read on and discover what happens to them.

I've only 1 real worry. Your story starts out with an ominous scene. Disaster looming. And you've got a sci fi tag, so I was expecting strange conspiracies/ fancy tech/ aliens. But after the 1st scene things slow down as you detail a relationship + its breakdown. While I think the relationship is handled well, all the time I found myself wondering about the 1st scene. That was the bit that really hooked me. Is there any way you could shorten the relationship stuff? I really wanted to get to the doom that I knew was coming. ;)

Anway, I'll shut up now as this comment's getting far too long. I've rated you highly. I do hope you manage to see your book published.

Best of luck with it :)

Pete

David:
I can not remember how many books I read in my life, but I can say, your book will stuck in my mind for a long time. Your writing is very impressive and interesting. The Chinese guy in your book keeps "annoying" me day by day. I want to know what happen to him eventually. Let's keep going on, and nice to meet you on the internet.
Frank

Coming back to comment on the revised version... it's a fairly quick and easy read, and I got up to chapter 9 this time.

It's better than it was, but there's still a lot wrong with it. Much of the dialogue is stilted - often the characters seem to act more as mouthpieces for whichever points of view you want to contrast, rather than as people in their own right. I don't get much sense of what the characters are feeling during these long conversations - you report their words with little indication of movements or facial expressions.

There are pacing problems too - there are some scenes I would summarise in a few sentences, or cut altogether. The most obvious is the Chinese student's arrival at Harvard. I would start that scene where he meets the South Korean. Nothing that's happened before it in the scene is in any way surprising or unexpected to him. Readers (or this reader, anyway) will wonder what the point of its being there is.

I'll try to point out more specific things later.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Intriguing 1st paragraph. Something momentous is certainly going on.

I've a suggestion on adverbs, though. 90% of the time a strong verb will do a better job than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg in "...limped slowly..." we can infer the movement's awkward/slow from the verb. As such, the adverb isn't needed at all. Most of the time, a good verb choice will mean there's no need for an adverb. Adverbs are only useful when there isn't a verb that fits just right. That's what I think, anyway. :)

Reading on... Nice dialogue. I can see this strange man's agitated and really needs to see the president. Without an appointment, I don't fancy his chances, though. ;)

1 suggestion. I don't think you need beats and speech tags in the same places. eg in " "... I understand it's important, " Fred said, nodding..." we can figure out Fred's the one talking from the action. So " "I understand it's important." Fred nodded.." would work better, I think.

Reading on... the strange man's threat really comes out of nowhere. Until now, I'd assumed he was a harmless nutter or an academic bringing warnings of doom. I almost laughed when I read his threat. It was just so incongruous. :)

Hmmm and then we get the oddity of Charles not remembering what's going on. V strange. Is he being manipulated by somebody/something? Or is he just crazy?

Ominous chapter end. The message was never delivered. I think something v bad is coming. I want to read on and find out what will happen. ;)

Chapter 2: Interesting change to 1st person. I know you said something about editing, so I won't nitpick this.

Reading on... I almost feel sorry for him, being dragged to the concert against his will. Lucky he found some eye candy. ;)

I've a suggestion here. I think your story would be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "How I envied that cello" is telling the reader a fact. You could show for the reader instead by using his thoughts direct. eg "Lucky damn cello." I think this sort of technique would really help get the reader inside his head.

Reading on... I like the dialogue. It feels real and flows easily.

I've a suggestion about dialogue, though. I think it's always best to lead off with dialogue wherever possible, as opposed to burying it lower down in a paragraph. It makes for a quicker and easier read. eg "I smiled. "Good idea..."" could easily be rejigged to ""Good idea." I smiled..."

Reading on... not a surprise he got shot down with respect to the date. She probably thought he was a bit of a creep or a wierdo for ringing like that. He's persistent, though. I'm surprised to see her actually give in by the end of the chapter.

Chapter 3: The date. I like him trying to slip out of the classical music question. Their interaction's good. I think the talk about everything and nothing, while pleasant, goes on a bit too long, though. At this point in the story, I'm mainly wondering about the strange man and the ominous warning in the 1st chapter. If possible, could you shorten the date scene?

Chapter 4: More good interaction between him and Karen. It reads well and easily, but I'm still wondering about that ominous warning.

Chapter 5: The 9/11 disaster tears Karen apart, quite unsurprisingly. He goes into a downward spiral too.things are looking grim for both of them. I feel sorry for them and want to read on to see if they manage to sort their lives out.

OK I think I've read enough now to get a feeling for your writing and story. You've an easy readable style that flows v nicely. Your dialogue's well done, and I think you a good job of making us feel sorry for Karen and David. I can imagine the reader wanting to read on and discover what happens to them.

I've only 1 real worry. Your story starts out with an ominous scene. Disaster looming. And you've got a sci fi tag, so I was expecting strange conspiracies/ fancy tech/ aliens. But after the 1st scene things slow down as you detail a relationship + its breakdown. While I think the relationship is handled well, all the time I found myself wondering about the 1st scene. That was the bit that really hooked me. Is there any way you could shorten the relationship stuff? I really wanted to get to the doom that I knew was coming. ;)

Anway, I'll shut up now as this comment's getting far too long. I've rated you highly. I do hope you manage to see your book published.

Best of luck with it :)

Pete