Lord Randle's Willy

I read your first chapter, and I'm delighted by the refreshing tone. I like how you break up the text by adding the business card, and how you juxtapose the upper class setting with naturalistic dialogue. I'd suggest a stronger hook for the end of the first chapter just to clarify where it's going. Keep going as it's marvellous.

Stewart,
I enjoyed what i read of your story. I imagine the whole thing must be hilarious, and i will have to come back and catch a few giggles. I love your style, your dialogue reads fast and the characters are unforgetable. The whole think reminds me of Little Lord Fauntleroy, one of my favourite movies.
I will gladly give you lots of stars and wish you the best with it.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: I love the interaction of the befuddled seeming Charles with the Jeeves-ish butler. It's lots of fun. Good dialogue.

I've 1 tiny nitpick. I think, occasionally, certain things would work even better if they were shown rather than told. eg in "Watkins pulled out the chair and sat rather self-consciously on the edge of the seat, his hands clasped together in his lap." you're telling the reader Watkins is self-conscious. It's a bit like lecturing. I think it's almost always better to show the reader such information. eg I think "Watkins pulled out the chair and sat on the edge of the seat, back ramrod straight, hands clasped together in his lap." shows he's self-conscious. The reader can infer this fact. I think it makes for a more involving story when the reader is left to draw their own conclusions.

Reading on... There's a v Tom Sharpe feel to this. Not a bad thing, I hasten to add. Oh the horror of what Randle Hall may become :). Then we get a mysterious mention of a salmon bone incident that leaves me itching to know more, followed by some more fun, rambling dialogue between Charles and Watkins.

I've1 tiny suggestion on the dialogue, though. I think your dialogue would read even better and faster if it wasn't explained so much. eg in ""Indeed I do, sir," said Watkins, giving Charles the opening to continue." I think the description after the dialogue is unnecessary as we see that Watkin's words give Charles the chance to continue. We don't need to be told so.

Reading on... Aha the plot thickens. The old Randle's looking for his heir. I can't wait to see what calamities befall him on this quest ;). I love the business card. I've never seen 1 quite like that. I suspect it's ... erm unique, shall we say?

Oh God, he actually rings Patrick. Why do I suddenly sense many bad and ridiculous things are on the way? ;) I'm not surprised by the "professional" way the agency conducts itself on the phone. What else can Lord Randle do, though? The boy has to be found!

I love Charles' entry into the agency, past the woman of ahem dubious employment, shall we say? He's so hoplessly out of touch, though, he doesn't even seem to realise what he's just witnessed ;).

I've a tiny suggestion on accents, though. I think it's risky to write stuff like "Ah jaysus, cead mile failte..." because foreign words/slang risk confusing the reader for a moment. While the reader tries to figure out what was said, the pace slows right down + they might even become irritated. I'd try to imply accents by word order/choice instead. eg "Jesus, would you look who's here, right enough?" I think something like that would sort of work for Irish.

Reading on... I almost laughed out loud at the nun's belly joke ;). Aha it looks like the heir is from an illicit affair. no wonder Charles has seemed so cagey on the subject so far. And the heir might not even be in the country.

I've a tiny suggestion on adverbs. 90% of the time, I think a strong verb does the job better than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg in "... eyeing Lord Randle shiftily..." the reader can infer Maguire's intentions from the verb + the preceeding dialogue. i think there's no need for the adverb at all. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to seeking the best verbs. :)

Reading on... Hmmm I suspect Charles is going to regret saying money's no object. Especially since this case could involve a lot of international travel.

The dodgy photos came out of nowhere. again, I almost laughed out loud here :). Interesting description of what the Earl of Darnleigh got up to, by the way ;). And I can't believe Charles recognised a man in 1 of the photos.

Hmmm what's all this business with the tattoo about? Suspicious. And the initials? By the end of the chapter, it looks like Maguire's got a lead...

OK I just looked back over what I've written and realised I need to stop commenting in depth before this comment becomes gigantic.

I enjoyed this a lot. Your writing style and content really does remind me of Tom Sharpe. I love the caricature-ish daftness of the characters and the dialogue. And I enjoyed the dodgy sex stuff. I also think there's a good mystery at the heart of the story that will drive the plot on and draw the reader in.

I've rated this v highly, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Dear Stewart,

After Iris Murdoch, England hasn't produced any great writers to this day. In America we have a few like Phiip Roth, Don Dellilo, Cormac McCarthy. Geoffrey Hill, the Angelologist and Martyrologist is England's only great poet, and he lives in Boston. Your book surprised me, but just in its drive towards destructiveness.

Hi. I browsed through, that’s all the time I had. I enjoyed it enough to back it. If you would like a specific chapter critiqued, tell me which one and I’ll do my best.
Your comments and backing of my book will be appreciated.
Dan

Dear Stewart, Well, here I am to read & comment on your 2nd book that I didn't even know you had. :) I love sequels & yours especially & hope you'll make it a trilogy. :) I love that Charles Bunton, Lord Randle, searching for his illegitimate son, William with success in spite of blackmail, bringing everyone together at a banquet to celebrate & nearly all of the characters together & those most startling revelations so far, as your pitch portrays. :) It was sad that Patrick Maguire of Shamrock Detective Agency turned out to be bad, but I knew William would be found. :) What wild search & I laughed at the end of chapter 3, "Charles Bunton, Lord Randle would not have been impressed" :) - what a great sense of humor. :) "Not even whip or wild horses" made me laugh more at Sir Lawrence's reply to May :) - his escapades are something else, all right!! :) :) I have now read & commented & gold ****** rated both of your books. :) Thank you for backing my memoirs/testimony book again :) - I was in the top 5 of the editor's desk, but have slipped to #6, so I hope you'll help me get back to the top 5 by keeping my book on your shelf to be chosen the end of January & I can help you next month by putting your book on my shelf. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

The book has flowing prose and vivid and memorable characterisation. The author has got the dialogue right too. Writing in dialect either works or it doesn't - this is spot on and you can hear the voices. Definitely deserves to be published.

Love the title and the pitch. i have taken a quck peek and liked what I've read so far. I will back you for now and read more later.
G W

This is great fun, great humour and some fine characters. Backed with pleasure.
Arnold

Dear Stewart,
You've done it again! A great comic mystery with unforgettable characters. You are a master of subtle comedy and great characters. I don't know if the anyone in the English upper classes resembles Charles, but Americans unfortunately think they do. You've nailed him.
Caroline
Summer Rose

From the mind of a great thinker, a great work is born. Please post some more when time permits because it's a winner. On my WL because the new rules introduced a time factor to calm the waters and steady the minds of rapid readers. Chuck

Hi Stewart, placing your good read on my watch list for now. Will place on shelf soon.

jim

Stewart -

I remember reading in the first Lord Randle book and enjoying the humour. This promises more intrigue involving some hilarious characters in a story stretching over continents. Two things in the first para caught my attention. You can ignore it ... his entire estate. ... is succinct enough. I'd leave out 'in particular.' ... and appealing but lasting impression ... I'd replace 'but' with 'and.' Further down Maguire is heard over the phone saying ... Is it money he's afthar? Reads like a typo but could be meant as dialect. Not sure. Looking for an abandoned heir is a classic theme bound to attract readers, and you indicate a well orchestrated ending. Starred for fun entertainment.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

A long lost son, dark secrets, the immoral Maguire in comparison to the upper-crusty Charles—it all creates an interesting first chapter. I found the prostrate reference funny, but the scene in Maguire’s office was the most amusing. Maquire’s character isn’t someone you would like to meet in real life, but he is definitely interesting to read about. I always seem to find the flawed characters the most fun to write about, and I think it comes across in my writing. Well, I was just wondering whether this was the same in regards to how you write Maguire, because he comes across really good. His drinking, the photos, the eye for opportunity—meaning more money—and the way in which he totally misreads Charles, but it still comes out in his favour. I also liked your description of him when Charles first walks in, and he is such a contrast to the uptight Lord.

Outside of your interesting cast thus far, you’ve started off your book well with chapter 1. You’ve told the reader that they’re in for a fun ride with Maguire’s search for the Lord’s son---and those photographs. I get the feeling that the last photograph of the skirted rump of Lawrence is bound to lead to blackmail. It was funny too.

I couldn’t see any errors in this chapter; the words flowed well, with good sentence structures. Your dialogue was also good. I liked that you wrote it as it sounded, getting the accents down pat, but still making it easy to read. Therefore, I have no suggestions for improvement as this chapter works perfectly fine without my interference :-)

When I get some more time I will read chapter 2. All the best, Marita.