Book Jacket

 

rank 41
word count 22404
date submitted 13.12.2010
date updated 03.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, Religious...
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Fallen-Book 1- Dark Genesis

Sean M. Bazaar

Armageddon is over..
we lost...
Dark Genesis has begun

 

9 DAYS LEFT BEFORE ARMAGEDDON STRIKES- TIME TO CHOOSE, ANGELS OR DEMONS: EITHER WAY, WE LOSE.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Fallen-Book-one/110680390387

Hell has defeated the Seraphim and mankind is on the verge of extinction.

Earth now belongs to the demons of Lucifer.

Above the skies, the angel of Judgement day, Israfil, has had his vision of Armegeddon changed. For all of time his vision has reflected victory for the angelic army of the All-Father. That is gone and in its stead 6 figures emerge from all three realms.

The All-Father has decreed that a small group of Seraphim,fallen angels, demons, the prototype of man and a human girl must kill the demons and retake the Earth by any means.

As the demons remain in control, the Realms of Earth and Hell continue to merge killing all life and vegetation.
Krillion, commander of Fury Legion is tasked with assembling and leading the last hope mankind has.Can angels and demons, eternal enemies unite in time to save whats left of Earth, or will alliances and ego's tear them apart to the slaughter of Hell's armies.

The fate of the Earth realm and mankind rest on the shoulders of the Fallen.

 
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tags

action, adventure, battles, betrayal, dark, epic, evil, fantasy, fighting, good, heaven hell fallen angels demons earth mankind genesis, religious, se...

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245 comments

 

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G.W wrote 1177 days ago

wow, hard to imagine what exactly will take place when the time comes, but i think you captured it! It's scary to think that if Satan ever won, what would happen? This is absolutely one of the books that keeps me on the edge of my chair with my nose inches from the screen! If u can take some time and at least comment and back my two books...
Gillian W.
Black Fire: Rise of the Tyrant
Disease

AwesomeSon wrote 1186 days ago

Just finished reading chapter nine. I had poured a cup of coffee before starting and it is now cold! Even though this chapter seems to be much longer than the others, it was riveting. I couldn't take my eyes off the page to even drink my coffee. This chapter takes you in and before long you are at the edge of your seat and remain there until you finish the chapter and ah...your coffee is cold!! I found myself actually biting my nails as I began to "feel" the flesh tearing and blood spouting everywhere. Sean, your writing is very descriptive to the point where I as the reader can visualize myself in the battle scenes. I'd say more about chapter nine because it deserves it but now I can't wait another minute to read chapter ten! I'm about to nuke my coffee and try this again... great work dude ~ AwesomeSon

Elsie R Aven wrote 1184 days ago

I've read quite a few apocalyptic /Armageddon stories, I can honestly say they this is one of the better ones. The battle scenes are intense, the emotions of the characters flood off the page. The mind’s eye easily creates a vivid picture from the descriptions.

Your Angels, far from being impersonal ethereal beings have real substance.

The quality of the story telling is exceptional.

(backed with pleasure)

Harlequindawn wrote 1207 days ago

Wow...Just wow...I'm not very familiar with religious stories but I have a vague idea and I think your writing skill is amazing. I have read the first couple of chapters and I'm completely hooked. It's a very grisly story and I find myself rooting for Zara. There's a heroic quality to her and yet a human approach if you get me? Everything is very vivid image wise and I can see myself there. I'm really impressed and your friends were right. I hope you do get published because this would definitely be a book i'd buy.
- Harlequindawn

mscynthia wrote 55 days ago

Hello,

What a wonderful dawning of a new tale of the age old good versus evil! I enjoyed it very much. It took a lot of creative layering on your part to get everyone aligned in your story, that is what with the angels, demons, angelic archers, mages, the authority figures Krillion and Thame and Krai. I enjoyed sifting through all of the breakdown of the different manifestations of creatures who were left to battle it out! The best of luck to you and your book. I'm giving it six stars!

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories/Alecner

newwriter2010 wrote 118 days ago

Very original piece of work. Well written and very entertaining. Good luck!

Natasha Vloyski wrote 411 days ago

Chapter1-3 the writing is energetic, with strong imagery but seems to start with a crescendo. I haven't read any further ( this is not my type of story) but I think it would be hard to maintain the tension and interest. Still the writer has some talent and control and perhaps they have carried it off. BTW I thought angels and even fallen angels were immortal?

Tate Reese wrote 532 days ago

YARG review:

This is a little out of my normal comfort zone, but i still felt it as a good read. I found a couple of problems with tense, and some small spelling mistakes, but otherwise i thought it was a really interesting read, with great potential.

Good luck!

Chris Bostic wrote 533 days ago

Sean,

A YARG review. Welcome to the group. I have read the Prologue and the first two chapters. The quick action is a great introduction to a unique story line. I noticed a few minor things that you might want to consider. The following is a quick list:

Prologue:
-Is there a typo in: “Portals forged from demonic magic’s opened…”? I don’t see the need for the ‘s on magic.
-the prologue is really intense. It sets for the scene for the Armageddon battle very well, and it’s a nice twist to hear how Hell may win.

Chapter 1:
-C1, P2, I felt like maybe your were over explaining a bit by adding “the land the upcoming battle would be fought on.” I would probably have ended right after ‘studying the land.’ Especially since you use the same line again several paragraphs later.
-C1,P4, you can remove the extra word a in: “In one (a) mighty swing…”
-You are not using any commas at the end of your dialogue. Is that intentional? Typical grammar rules would changes this to: “Too many,” he said to no [one] in particular. –This particular line also had a missing word “one”.
-What a wild opening chapter. Nothing like an epic battle scene to place the reader right into the story. You definitely have my attention.

Chapter 2:
-C2, P5, the word “their” should be they’re in the line: “…watch your right side, [they’re] starting to flank you”
-C2, P12, I’m assuming “Rollin” should be Rolling. Several paragraphs later you use rollin again.
-You say the last thing Zara saw, but then she seems to get her eyesight back later when she sees the wasteland of Earth. Last thing implies death or passing out, but she does not seem to do either. Also, it would be a “barren” wasteland, not baron.
-Did Zara pass out? I guess that would explain why the demons were suddenly gone. It would be helpful to make this clearer.

This is a cool story. I’m really liking the concept. I’ll give you high stars for the creativity and excellent action scenes. I’m going to find this a place on my watchlist and hopefully come back for more later.

Welcome again, and Best Wishes,
-Chris
Fugitives from Northwoods

Doctor178 wrote 657 days ago

Beautiful writing and great premise, I can't wait to see how it develops. It's pretty ambitious to keep something as big as this going, but I'm looking forward to seeing how you get on.

Shelby Z. wrote 689 days ago

This has an interesting opener. It has a different twist to it.
The idea is new.
Words flow well.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Venenum wrote 716 days ago

Recently checked out a few chapters of The Fallen and your prologue and approach is spectacular. I love the good vs evil angle and to top it off I'm a big fan of books dealing with angels and demons. It took me from the start. The story is a real kick in the face to conventional stories regarding these topics and it is a real treat and the addition of the journals are a sublime addition. Backed.

JC Whitfield-The Misery Jar

a.morrison712 wrote 964 days ago

Wow. What an interesting tale! You have a real gift for story telling and I look forward to reading more of your work when I have time. I agree with one of the comments below about your names. They are very interesting and work well with the character descriptions. I am also looking for feedback on my book Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Any comments are appreciated! Best of luck to you with this. I'm watch listing you!

Ashley

monicque wrote 1059 days ago

I like the names, Krillion and Thame and Rai and Valafor and Zara... Great! The story is lovely... Even though they speak of blood and war and Hell, I really like the characters. I like the hammer also! So it was sad at the end of the second chapter... :(
I was gonna stop at the end of the 2nd chap, but i'm going on for more - great ending to the 1st chapter.
On the 3rd chapter, you have Rollin - I think it should be Rolling Hmm.. and again, I found Rollin again down later...
And great ending to the 3rd chapter also!!
Great work. I don't have time for more, but I will rate you highly. Good luck with your work., its very enjoyable. I can imagine the guys in the military you work with would love it!! As will your kids most likely! :)

monicque wrote 1059 days ago

Woah. Love it so far. Going on for more!

michaelclark19 wrote 1098 days ago

just read the first chapter of your book and there is only one word i can use to describe it in its entirety the word is "EPIC" i'll reading the rest as soon as i can and i cant wait to see what you do with this book next. i have a new book up a sequel to my first book i uploaded when you have time i would appreciate it if you could tell me what i'm week on

michaelclark19 wrote 1098 days ago

just read the first chapter of your book and there is only one word i can use to describe it in its entirety the word is "EPIC" i'll reading the rest as soon as i can and i cant wait to see what you do with this book next.

SareyFairy wrote 1102 days ago

Hi Sean

I have finished chapter six so feel I have read enough to warrant a decent comment for you.
I do like this type of book and have read books on angels and demons battling before and armageddon type stories.
Yours is well thought and very descriptive. I do agree that there are errors with the grammar and punctuation but then that is easily resolvable as you work your way through editing and tightening up your story.
I noticed you used the word rollin a couple of times in chapter two and in chapter three 'women men, women and children' I don't know if you meant to use women twice but it isn't necessary as Alisha's description of events is dark and real enough.
I am looking forward to reading how things turn out and if the strange and motley crew of angels and demons can work together as your well described pitch suggests.
Backed
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

gilbertmartin wrote 1107 days ago

This is different. I like with caution though :)

Pat Black wrote 1123 days ago

Angels and demons are on Harper Collins' radar - they specifically asked a few weeks back for people who had books featuring these creatures. With your epic scope, and the potential for a series, you're in a very good place at the minute...

All the best

P

Laura A. D. wrote 1125 days ago

Congratulations! Your book seems to be moving right along!! Good job! I'll be putting it back up on my shelf as soon as I can again.:o)
Blessings,
Laura A. Diaz
"Come What May"

zil wrote 1126 days ago

Hi Sean,
This is what angels are really meant to be, warriors of God!
There is no beating around the bush here, war is harsh, brutal, bloody and never really won by any side, you have captured all of this in the first few chapters with frightening reality.
The journal notes lend a slightly more personal feel to the story which helps to visualise what a world ruled by darkness might be like, perhaps we are not so far from that now!?

Zil xxx

Tess Cameron wrote 1153 days ago

You've got a great story going here; there is just quite a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed.
6 stars :)
Tess
Three Witches

IlyaKralinsky wrote 1153 days ago

I don't precisely know what sort of reviews you're seeking here, but here's my go at it. You have a solid, workmanlike piece of writing here, clearly telling a story with characters outside my genre range. I would ask a simple review of punctuation and sentence structure, as those are not coming across, but you certainly have the feel of a page-turner mastered in your stylistic approach. I would certainly recommend your work to many of my friends, and I send my hopes for continued success. For your genre, you have certainly mastered telling the tale. Keep working and doing well. Kindest regards.

tomewriter wrote 1153 days ago

Hi Sean,
Must say you have an interesting angle going here. Read the first chapter and of course want to know what's next. I have given your book a star rating and will read on.

When you can I would really appreciate it if you would take a look at my book, Speed Trap, and if possible give me a critique, and stars of course. Talk to you later.
Janell (tomewriter)

Avonne wrote 1154 days ago

Backed, hopefully you'll slide in there. Will read and comment in time--too sick with a cold right now. Would appreciate a review of mine when you have time.

GO USA! Gotta support our troops! May God bless you and your family, too.

ps. Dark Genesis would be a better title. (The Fallen is currently out there and pretty popular right now. And for me, Dark Genesis has a better ring anyway...IMHO)

Dawn Walton wrote 1155 days ago

This is not really my preferred genre of book but I think you write well for those who do. I have read some of the Warhammer books which have a similar style and approach to writing and I know they are very popular. I am sure it will be successful although it would not be a book I would choose to buy. I think it would do well

Dawn Walton wrote 1155 days ago

I enjoy the writing style of these journal chapters more than the events chapters.

Amanda Elliott wrote 1155 days ago

Backed :0) x x x

sourtexmex wrote 1155 days ago

A shelf?
Yeah, why not; everyone deserves a HC rejection at some point in their cyber life, so who am I to say that it’s not your turn.
However, keep an eye on things like grammar, punctuation and tense, because when you are forced down the self-publishing route you don’t want to find yourself with too much egg on your face.

I haven’t got time to proof-read the whole 22K, but her are a few pointers.

Time, people say (comma) is never(hyphen)ending.
Sky’s = skies.
Despatched (past tense) by Gabriel… to ensure that Armageddon is (current tense).
A small ledge of outcropping rocks studying the land (in the absence of a comma after “rocks” it is the rocks who study the land).
Also, an outcrop is rock that projects from the ground, whilst a ledge is a flat surface projecting from a rock face. So, on which does he stand?

Best of luck!

Tails22 wrote 1155 days ago

Not my usual genre to be honest, but I love the concept :D I found it difficult to get into the story, but that might just be because it's late at night and I'm not fully awake. Your army experience can clearly be seen from the very first paragraph, and this brings the story more to life. I won't make any comments regarding gramma as I can see someone has already done so below, but I am more than willing to put this on my shelf :) hope you make it to the top 5!

Carol Crompton wrote 1156 days ago

Very well written opening chapter. To be honest, not my choice of book (subject matter I mean), but I can still see the appeal and the quality of the writing. On a picky note, I think you should check the punctuation, especially after the speech of the characters, although, as you have not included commas or full stops in most of it, it may be a style you have chosen. I'm not very well read with regard to religious matters, so cannot comment, but I think it is a great story anyway. Will try and read more and back.

Dilettante wrote 1156 days ago

Well enough written, but I didn't like the story much. Ch 13, 'mote' should be 'moat.'

chvolkoff wrote 1156 days ago

Not my usual kind of read, and as a non-believer, I am not totally convinced of angels, and their exact nature in this story. However, the span of the story is quite Homeric, somewhat reminiscent of the style of Iliad, and keeps even people like me engaged and intrigued. A dark vision on an epic scale, this book delivers, and more. Very good work!

M Morgan wrote 1156 days ago

The concept of the book is enough to make you want to open it. That is a good enough start for any book. I'm not very deep inside yet, but I will keep you informed.
Hope you step up into the top 5.
Matty

Brian Bandell wrote 1157 days ago

You have a great talent for writing action scenes. I feel that the novel would benefit from some context before the fighting begins. There's a war going on yet I don't feel tied to a strong protagonist. It's hard to relate to the angel general. Perhaps you could start this from the point of view of a human on the day the battle spills over onto earth.

Keep in mind that many novels have covered the war between heaven and hell on earth before. So you need to have a unique plot and memorable characters to stand out.

I will back this based on its potential from your writing style.

Brian
Mute

CarolinaAl wrote 1157 days ago

I read your prologue and part of your first chapter. I stopped because my list of comments had exceeded my self imposed limit of ten.

General comments: A gripping start to what is surely a thrilling adventure. Interesting main character. Vivid descriptions. Throrough world building. Excellent action writing. Good tension. Good pacing. Needs a major edit before it gets to the editor's desk.

Specific comments on prologue:
1) 'Time, people say is never ending.' Comma after 'say.'
2) ' ... And if the light fell, what ... ' Comma after 'And.'

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'Thame was making his way through the throng ... ' Consider 'Thame made his way through the throng ...' Can you see how the second version is more immediate and more engaging to the reader?
2) ' ... to ensure Armageddon is halted and ... ' 'Is' should be 'was' to keep the sentence in past tense.
3) ' ... as he looked at one of the most respected soldier in the All-Fathers army.' "Soldier' should be 'soldiers.'
4) 'Standing a few meters away from Krillion Thame just stared at him.' Comma after 'Krillion.'
5) 'His massive 6'4 275 lbs frame ... ' Height should be written as 6 foot 4 inches' or, better yet, 'six foot four inch.' Consider spelling out all numbers 1-99. Insert a comma after 'inch.' Also, spell out 'lbs.' Consider not using abbreviations in text.
6) ' ... like a man possessed' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
7) 'In one a mighty swing ... ' Remove 'a.'
8) ' ... a smile spread across his face and he said "No Seraphim die this day." Comma after 'said' and capitalize 'no.' 'He said' is a dialogue tag. When a dialogue tag (tells who said something) preceeds dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma and the first word of dialogue is capitalized. There are more cases of this dual problem.
9) 'A long time ago thought Thame.' Comma after 'ago.' Better yet, italicize the thought and delete 'thought Thame.'
10) "Too many" he said. Comma after 'many.' 'He said' is a dialogue tag. When a dialogue tag (tells who said something) follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.
11) "What are ya thinking about old man" Comma after 'about.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, punctuate this dialogue question with a question mark.
12) 'Laughingly, Thame put a hand on Krillions shoulder "good times ... good times." Krillions (plural) should be Krillion's (possessive). Also, period after 'shoulder' and the first 'good' should be capitalized.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" polished in preparation for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you please take a close look at a chapter or two of it and let me know how I might improve it?

Good luck in your own march to the editor's desk.

Have a fine day.

Al

Rebbekka Messenger wrote 1157 days ago

Great Prologue! I can actually see it from his perspective and its even more than I could have imagined! I think your are going to be next on my shelf! In the mean time, I can't wait to read more and I have starred you as well!
Rebbekka Messenger
Not Broken

Hall-Crews wrote 1157 days ago

The Fallen--Book 1--Dark Genesis is an imaginatively written piece which vividly tells a well-written story.

Rand Wolfe wrote 1158 days ago

Overall, I'm liking this story, and I'm happy to bookshelf it and rate it well.

I kind of stumbled over the very first sentence, which says: “Time, people say is never ending.” It should probably be changed to “Time, people say, is never ending.”

Otherwise, the prologue certainly drew me in. A demonic conquest of Earth is one of mankind's oldest fears, so coming right out and basically saying, “demons are conquering Earth” really grabs attention.

You jump right into the action in chapter one, and I can see that this is going to be an action-heavy story. It's cool that you tell the story from the point of view of both sides, and the legions of hell aren't a clichéd, mindless horde.

I thought it was odd that the demons use informal English, such as “ya” and “ok”. I think they'd seem more serious and sinister if they spoke more formally.

I think the next thing you should work on is grammar, specifically comma placement. There were a good few sentences that I stumbled over as I did on the first sentence. Also, there were a few places where you made a noun possessive when you meant to make it plural. For example, you said “tree's” instead of “trees”.

Once again, this is a good read, and I wish you luck in moving up the ranks. I will be back to read more.

Marion Bernard wrote 1160 days ago

My suggestion is to study punctuation rules a bit more. First off, there is always some form of punctuation before ending a quote, most often a comma (e.g. "Now then," said the mage...") Your sentences would also benefit from the correct use of commas to break out subordinate clauses. Yeah, I know, that's the line editor's job... but it makes it hard for any serious editor to read a story that doesn't use punctuation properly so I think it would greatly benefit you to work on that area.

Cheers,
Marion
Distant Kin

Donia wrote 1161 days ago

Sean--
The story is very interesting, to say the least. One thing that struck me as I read, and I don't remember in which chapter it was located, was: How can dried blood be sticky? Once it had dried, wouldn't it be crusty? Maybe the congealing blood could be sticky?? Just my thoughts.
Good luck!
Donia

Neeky78 wrote 1164 days ago

Not my cup of tea I'm afraid - I'm a wuss!
If I was into apocolyptic stories, I think this would attract me for sure. As I'm not though, I'll refrain from any comments as I'm completely unqualified to do so!

Good luck with your story!

Red Ribbon wrote 1164 days ago

Liked the prologue pulls you into the story, leaves you wanting more.

You write a battle scene so well that I see such vivd pictures of the angels and demons. What I find hard is relating to the Angels. It seems none stop fighting, no let up and I know that's the idea but I can't feel for the characters when the only situation I have seem them in is a fight. do you feel for angels?

I think the problem I have is that I have such an imprinted image of avenging angels already that I find it hard to change my perspective. I see them with little emtion with no connection with others, however you wrote about them as though they were human with worries and rage. One example was Zara, at first I wasn't sure if she was an angel of human when she said ' I will feed your head to my children' do they have children.

I like the fact that you are trying to change the readers ideas on angels and even to me it sounds as though I am picking, sorry. To really get involved in this I need to feel for the characters or I lose interest.

I think the journals of Alisha Grace are a good idea, they are the first time we see what affect this war has on humankind.

You writing flows and you describe the situations well.

Good lcuk,

Red

cottonorclouds wrote 1165 days ago

I think that your approach and descriptions work well for the genre that you are writing in. It's not really a genre I know much about, but here's some thoughts for whatever they are worth. I liked that you gave the angels emotions and actual personalities. I thought that made the piece more compelling. The idea is interesting, but I think that if the Seraphim are being defeated, then God must have a reason for that. It brought to mind Jobe where God gives permission to the devil to torment Jobe. I feel like if the devil is winning, then God must intend (for whatever reason) for him to be winning. If he's all powerful and all knowing, then that seems to be the only way that the devil can win. However, that's only a thought and I'm not sure exactly how that could be portrayed.

Sofistikat wrote 1168 days ago

There was one salient fact that kept screaming at me as I read through your book: According to Luke 20:36, Angels are immortal and cannot die.

I also wondered as Thame helplessly witnessed the destruction of his Archers, what would happen to Angels if they died. Would they go straight back to Heaven? If that's the case, then surely it would have been only a short matter of time before they could come back and untie Thame and defeat the mages?

Where are the Humans? Presumably, there'd be some on the God team, while others would choose the Devil team. If no Human gets a say in who rules Earth, why is the battled being fought there at all, and not on some other far-off planet, perhaps an uninhabited one that would ensure that only the blood-thirsty Angels and Demons copped the pain?

But the biggest question of all was, where in God's name was God in all of this? Being as all-powerful as he is, why didn't he just smite the demons with his finger, so that they Angels could continue playing their lutes in the clouds, and not wreck our planet?

I thought the idea of an epic struggle between the forces of good and evil was described well, reminiscent of the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings, who you refer to in a description of the appearance of a demon as a gollem (Gollam).

Obviously, your motivation comes from your personal religious beliefs, but for me, it would have been far better i it didn't.

All the best with it, even though it is not a book that would adorn my bookshelf at home, as I am sure mine would not be selected to be a part of yours. Which begs the question why you chose to back my book, given its very explicit sexual content, and behaviour that religious-minded people would consider sinful.

I guess that just means that you didn't even read mine. Well, I have read bits of yours, and my feedback is genuine. So, feel free to remove your backing for my book if you choose, as I would much rather just have the backing of those who genuinely enjoy my work.

Linda Lou wrote 1169 days ago

THE FALLEN BOOK
Gee sort of reminds me of Conan the Barbarian an interesting mix of sci fi, Christanity, and the end of times. Please take a look at my non-fiction, The Tuskegee Strangler. Linda Lou Long

BeachEcho wrote 1169 days ago

Too raw/intense for my tastes but, neverheless, your storytelling is riveting and your descriptions are vivid.

Bobbee wrote 1170 days ago

Hi Sean,
Well done. You should be proud of yourself for writing this fantasy as your first try. Keep up the good work, as all of our books, some editing will improve the story. I have made a start and will finish soon. Meanwhile on my WL. Hope you have time to offer comments on Kali's Daughters.
Best to you,
Bobbee

Rhonda9080 wrote 1170 days ago

This book has depth! I'm only in a portion of the second chapter, but I'm amazed at the beauty of your writing. Keep up the good work. Is it finished? Keep on it dude! Its good!

neicyhope101 wrote 1172 days ago

This is defiantly a creative take on things! I love the spin; I wonder what inspired this story? Anyway, the over all plot was excellent (a few grammar things here and there that you might want to look over --and repeating "his mighty hammer") and the characters so far are solid. I do think Heaven kind of lost easily...could have put a little more fight into it but the action is fast paced and engaging either way. It was noble the way Thame admited to being in charge. Perfect ending to chapter one! This story is good so far.

Neicy

RossClark1981 wrote 1172 days ago

Hi Sean,

I just read the first 6 chapters. I'm really impressed that you went for something so ambitious as your first book. The genre isn't one I'm all that comfortable commenting on as I don't read fantasy much but I'll give you the thoughts as they popped up to me.

-I liked the journal entries. These were a good hook as to how regular people were affected by the events. Perhaps a little more description on the barren, wasteland landscape might have been a bit more evocative for the reader. Maybe not. I also liked that they're short - it's intruiging.
-The action moves pretty fast, probably just right for the target audience. I'd have liked a little more background on the characters so I could be more invested in whether they live or die - particularly Zara before she gets wounded.
-I had a good image of the individual struggles going on between particular demons and angels but not really one of the battlefield as a whole. Maybe some description of the formations etc. would have helped me there.
-How come the demons' weapon of choice is a Scottish claymore? Do the end times have something in store for my wee country you're not telling us? :P
-A couple of typos:
*chapter 1: "no seraphim die this day." Captal letter missing on the 'no'.
*Krillion says 'To many' when looking over the demon forces. 'Too many'?
Chapter 2
*'Too many and to powerful.' Too powerful.

You've obviously come up with something which is original and highly appealing to fantasy readers. Judging by the rapid progress you've made it won't be all that long before you hit the ed.

All the best with it,

Ross

Erich Penhoff wrote 1173 days ago

Hi Sean. great story, fall right into the reals of Dark Towers and Fantasy. If I may give you a couple of suggetions...men or angel or even Demons never share a battle together>>they fight a battle together, ore share the experience of it. Demon id a fitting word, for the bad and ugly of hell, but if used too much it becomes jaded, try other words, minion of hell or Devils brigade...whatever. You have great names like Krillon, Valator and Thame...now tell us what they look like, demeanor and weapons, beards and helmets, make them appear when you close your eyes. The editing of a book may take month but will make it saleable, the understanding how the rest of people see any event is criteria for sucess. I am an old warhorse myself, we never put a regiment to gether, we assembled the best fighting men, some were angels by the way. So it is a great story, it will appeal to the Fantasy element of readers, so edit, read and edit again, you as a slodier will understand the adage...a war is not won till the last battle is fought, so edit and read and edit again. Good luck, the material is definitely saleable.

Erich Penhoff wrote 1173 days ago

Hi Sean. great story, fall right into the reals of Dark Towers and Fantasy. If I may give you a couple of suggetions...men or angel or even Demons never share a battle together>>they fight a battle together, ore share the experience of it. Demon id a fitting word, for the bad and ugly of hell, but if used too much it becomes jaded, try other words, minion of hell or Devils brigade...whatever. You have great names like Krillon, Valator and Thame...now tell us what they look like, demeanor and weapons, beards and helmets, make them appear when you close your eyes. The editing of a book may take month but will make it saleable, the understanding how the rest of people see any event is criteria for sucess. I am an old warhorse myself, we never put a regiment to gether, we assembled the best fighting men, some were angels by the way. So it is a great story, it will appeal to the Fantasy element of readers, so edit, read and edit again, you as a slodier will understand the adage...a war is not won till the last battle is fought, so edit and read and edit again. Good luck, the material is definitely saleable.