A Forbidden Love

A Forbidden Love- great imagination with lots of promise. You need to show us what is going on instead of telling us.
Prologue- Why is this the prologue-is seems like it should be the first chapter to me. Also, be careful of starting your sentences the same way for example in paragraph 5- 5 out of 6 sentences start with 'I'. In paragraph 6 of the prologue- 4 out of six sentences start with 'I'.
Prologue- "Now hush and let my (me?) bite you,"
"Some of them refer to themselves as werewolves or shape shifters. They can take on the form of a wolf and a man." I don't think this last sentence is needed- what a werewolf is is common knowledge.
"That's the last thing I wanted to be, the gossip of the noble woman (women?)."

Chapter one- Still too many sentences starting with "I". Also check out the dialogue- it is in chunks- a character will say a string of sentences and then the next character will reply with the next string of sentences. Not a natural conversational flow. This did seem to improve some later in the chapter.

You have a great imagination- and that creativity can't be taught. Your writing is still a little rough, however, I believe that this will improve over time and with practice. Best of luck to you. Desi.

I cannot belive that you are only 16! you are an amazing writer, the story had me captivated from the start and I recall reading your novel on fiction press, along with some of your other pieces. You have a very detailed plot and I love all the characters. You allow readers to follow along with each characters emotions and I loved your book. The detail allowed me to all most see what was happening in my mind, which s=for me is key to a good book.

Shades of Grey.

Very interesting story plot.
It starts off really well. There is a lot of style to it and creativity.
Your words form good pictures to your book.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

It's really great so far! Can't wait to see what happens next :D

i did like the idea of it. i like the main character a lot. good luck with this!
melissa :)

I love Ash. :D

I really like this book, at the beginning there are some mistakes and strange parts ,but the characters and story so far really sucks you in. Waiting for an update ;D

Haybell,
You have such an imaginative tale in A Forbidden Love. While it's in the fantasy genre, your writing style makes it such a believable account. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I read your revised prologue and the rest of what you have posted here. I see where you have taken some steps to solidify Paige's character, but I think you're trying too hard to make her be "everything." It's okay if she's not perfect, just so she's not unlikeable. Also, watch your verb tenses. You slip from past to present in a couple of paragraphs, then back again. I can tell that you are getting a better handle on your story and characters as you gol--I always find the first chapter to be hardest too! Good luck!

Hi Haybell '' a forbidden love '

your book just gushes out loads of romantic fantasies. a must read for the young girls everywhere, in an easy readable style of writing. I had no trouble reading chunks of the chapters posted, and feel that it has the potential to be published, look at Celia Aheren's book ' p,s. i love you' and the success there.
good luck with it , and backed with stars.
Tom Bye ' from hugs to kisses'
if time Haybell you might oblige and take a look at mine thanks

i luv the plot
its amazing and interesting.
i hope u write more
because im looking forward to what happens.

Although you have an interesting concept, I found myself struggling to put myself into the story. The setting is unclear--are we in a fairy-story? Most fairy-tales don't talk about b-cups and mascara. And if it's a fairy-tale set in modern time, then where in the world are they? I also found it hard to care about Paige and her upcoming fate. She's mean to the slaves and apparently bi-polar, as she is accosted by a known rapist, but then immediately goes on to apply lip gloss before having a delayed reaction to the attack. She also doesn't make the slave speak up because of time constraints, but then takes the time to contemplate her upbringing, the surrounding countryside, and the local mythos. And although I suppose a typical teenager's mind might bounce from thinking she's adopted to thinking how much she resembles both her parents so she couldn't possibly be adopted, and fantasizing about running away to the mountains, when she obviously is used to being waited on hand and foot, it was rather disconcerting as a reader. I couldn't get a grasp on Paige as a character at all.

I think there's some potential here, but I also think it could use some work.

Yay you added another chapter so exciting! It's really good!

Yay you added another chapter so exciting! It's really good!

Dear Haybell, I love that your have portrayed a beautiful wedding dress picture on your book cover & that your pitch & prologue prepared me for your heroine's coming to love a monster. :) Your touching story of your heorine & especially of Paige & Garrett with your tight diologue & paragraphs zoomed me right through your story & I love the romance at the end of chapter 4 & am sure that Garret is the one she will chose. :) I have read & commented on your book & it is on my watchlist to at least 24-hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & at least 24-hour backing moves our books up authonomy's lists :)

Loved it! It is a great plot excited for more!

I'm glad that you liked it!!! You will be glad to know that i added another chapter!! More to come over the upcoming holiday!

This is a story not merely of family relations, but indeed a story of mental relationships. Emotions deriving in mind are reflecting through words of this novel.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 2 days later :)

Loved it! It is a great plot excited for more!

I like your pitch. It shows good writing.

Backed, and good luck.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)

I really loved this and can't believe your so young!

If I had half your talent at your age I'd be a best seller by now!! You are a gifted writer with natural talent and I am backing your book because so far I'm loving it!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

believe it

Wow, I really like this.
Normally I won't read anything about werewolves, however the leads personality and plight intrigued me right from the opening line. I think think this has the possibility to be an incredible story, and I eagerly await more chapters:)
Bron
The Endless Awakening

Hi Heybell, A great pitch making for an interesting read; backed with pleasure.

Best wishes,

Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

Hi Haybell, I am impressed by the pitch of “A Forbidden Love“ and ****** rated. Now your book is in my w/l.

Could you please ****** rate & back my novel ‘The Wildfire’, based on British – Malabar Riot, 1921. Please read my profile to know more about me and my works.

All the best,
Joy J Kaimaparamban