Book Jacket

 

rank 363
word count 39331
date submitted 13.12.2010
date updated 11.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance, Fantas...
classification: moderate
incomplete

A Forbidden Love

Haybell

This is the story behind me coming to love a monster and finding myself in the process...

 

I can’t believe it. This thought kept running through my mind as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I still couldn’t seem to comprehend what my father had said. Here I was, soon to be eighteen and I already had to leave my family, friends, and home behind. I thought it would be in the far future when I found a suitor worthy of my hand in marriage, but boy was I wrong.
My father was pretty well known and high up in the royal family in my kingdom. He was the cousin to the king and had two daughters. I was one of those daughters, while my younger sister the other.
My age was one of the things that had sealed me to my fate. You see, I was one of the few girls old enough for the task. Out of us few, I was chosen for it. It was more of a punishment in my eyes.
Let me stop rambling and tell you how this all came to be for I’m getting a head of myself. You all need to know the truth behind my story and how I came to love a monster...

 
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tags

acceptance, romance, supernatural, understanding, werewolf

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27 comments

 

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pixidoll wrote 78 days ago

First, fantastic story. I would love to know what happens next. Your mental pictures are well formed and the characters are likable and believable. Just a note, you should edit, edit ,edit. There are several typos, spelling errors and too many If’s. Let the characters tell us where the story is going. Let them move the action. Pov is a tricky thing because it is not POV in the third person. It has to be more like; "I lost her, she's gone and I may never get a chance with her again. She is the one for me and I know it. I need to get her back." Tell the story from Garret’s voice, when it’s his pov. Or Paige’s when it’s her turn. I look forward to the rest of the story, I want to know how will Ashe win if he is a Bata and she is promised ot an Alpha. Great start and apparently people love it from your rankings. Let me know when you post more for this story I’m interested. But as I cautioned before; Spell check, edit and maybe even look into how to properly space your sentences so the story is easier to read. Also in chapets 10 there is a point where you repeat a paragraph twice, it threw me off at first. But I was able to recover and complete the rest of the chapter. You have a great start. I have to say Reese, Ashe and Garret are my favorites so far. I want to see the pervert wolf killed lol. He is creepy! I loved it and read the whole thing last night. I never do that usually, unless the story is that good. You have a great start here, so… where’s the rest?
Let me know as soon as it’s up.
Thanks
Gloria. (Pan’s Daughter)

DesiS. wrote 740 days ago

A Forbidden Love- great imagination with lots of promise. You need to show us what is going on instead of telling us.
Prologue- Why is this the prologue-is seems like it should be the first chapter to me. Also, be careful of starting your sentences the same way for example in paragraph 5- 5 out of 6 sentences start with 'I'. In paragraph 6 of the prologue- 4 out of six sentences start with 'I'.
Prologue- "Now hush and let my (me?) bite you,"
"Some of them refer to themselves as werewolves or shape shifters. They can take on the form of a wolf and a man." I don't think this last sentence is needed- what a werewolf is is common knowledge.
"That's the last thing I wanted to be, the gossip of the noble woman (women?)."

Chapter one- Still too many sentences starting with "I". Also check out the dialogue- it is in chunks- a character will say a string of sentences and then the next character will reply with the next string of sentences. Not a natural conversational flow. This did seem to improve some later in the chapter.

You have a great imagination- and that creativity can't be taught. Your writing is still a little rough, however, I believe that this will improve over time and with practice. Best of luck to you. Desi.

Shades of Grey wrote 778 days ago

I cannot belive that you are only 16! you are an amazing writer, the story had me captivated from the start and I recall reading your novel on fiction press, along with some of your other pieces. You have a very detailed plot and I love all the characters. You allow readers to follow along with each characters emotions and I loved your book. The detail allowed me to all most see what was happening in my mind, which s=for me is key to a good book.

Shades of Grey.

Shelby Z. wrote 788 days ago

Very interesting story plot.
It starts off really well. There is a lot of style to it and creativity.
Your words form good pictures to your book.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Dandoona1999 wrote 991 days ago

It's really great so far! Can't wait to see what happens next :D

Melissa Koehler wrote 1009 days ago

i did like the idea of it. i like the main character a lot. good luck with this!
melissa :)

WA0520 wrote 1074 days ago

I love Ash. :D

Agnes wrote 1121 days ago

I really like this book, at the beginning there are some mistakes and strange parts ,but the characters and story so far really sucks you in. Waiting for an update ;D

Walden Carrington wrote 1204 days ago

Haybell,
You have such an imaginative tale in A Forbidden Love. While it's in the fantasy genre, your writing style makes it such a believable account. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Teresa Baker wrote 1205 days ago

I read your revised prologue and the rest of what you have posted here. I see where you have taken some steps to solidify Paige's character, but I think you're trying too hard to make her be "everything." It's okay if she's not perfect, just so she's not unlikeable. Also, watch your verb tenses. You slip from past to present in a couple of paragraphs, then back again. I can tell that you are getting a better handle on your story and characters as you gol--I always find the first chapter to be hardest too! Good luck!

Tom Bye wrote 1208 days ago

Hi Haybell '' a forbidden love '

your book just gushes out loads of romantic fantasies. a must read for the young girls everywhere, in an easy readable style of writing. I had no trouble reading chunks of the chapters posted, and feel that it has the potential to be published, look at Celia Aheren's book ' p,s. i love you' and the success there.
good luck with it , and backed with stars.
Tom Bye ' from hugs to kisses'
if time Haybell you might oblige and take a look at mine thanks

greengirl525 wrote 1215 days ago

i luv the plot
its amazing and interesting.
i hope u write more
because im looking forward to what happens.

Teresa Baker wrote 1219 days ago

Although you have an interesting concept, I found myself struggling to put myself into the story. The setting is unclear--are we in a fairy-story? Most fairy-tales don't talk about b-cups and mascara. And if it's a fairy-tale set in modern time, then where in the world are they? I also found it hard to care about Paige and her upcoming fate. She's mean to the slaves and apparently bi-polar, as she is accosted by a known rapist, but then immediately goes on to apply lip gloss before having a delayed reaction to the attack. She also doesn't make the slave speak up because of time constraints, but then takes the time to contemplate her upbringing, the surrounding countryside, and the local mythos. And although I suppose a typical teenager's mind might bounce from thinking she's adopted to thinking how much she resembles both her parents so she couldn't possibly be adopted, and fantasizing about running away to the mountains, when she obviously is used to being waited on hand and foot, it was rather disconcerting as a reader. I couldn't get a grasp on Paige as a character at all.

I think there's some potential here, but I also think it could use some work.

MadHatter wrote 1221 days ago

Yay you added another chapter so exciting! It's really good!

MadHatter wrote 1221 days ago

Yay you added another chapter so exciting! It's really good!

SusieGulick wrote 1222 days ago

Dear Haybell, I love that your have portrayed a beautiful wedding dress picture on your book cover & that your pitch & prologue prepared me for your heroine's coming to love a monster. :) Your touching story of your heorine & especially of Paige & Garrett with your tight diologue & paragraphs zoomed me right through your story & I love the romance at the end of chapter 4 & am sure that Garret is the one she will chose. :) I have read & commented on your book & it is on my watchlist to at least 24-hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & at least 24-hour backing moves our books up authonomy's lists :)

Haybell wrote 1223 days ago

Loved it! It is a great plot excited for more!



I'm glad that you liked it!!! You will be glad to know that i added another chapter!! More to come over the upcoming holiday!

Kaimaparamban wrote 1223 days ago

This is a story not merely of family relations, but indeed a story of mental relationships. Emotions deriving in mind are reflecting through words of this novel.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

SusieGulick wrote 1224 days ago

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 2 days later :)

MadHatter wrote 1224 days ago

Loved it! It is a great plot excited for more!

gotiko wrote 1225 days ago

I like your pitch. It shows good writing.

Backed, and good luck.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)

jcarson6610 wrote 1225 days ago

I really loved this and can't believe your so young!

lizjrnm wrote 1225 days ago

If I had half your talent at your age I'd be a best seller by now!! You are a gifted writer with natural talent and I am backing your book because so far I'm loving it!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

blueboy wrote 1225 days ago

believe it

LuvingSolitude wrote 1225 days ago

Wow, I really like this.
Normally I won't read anything about werewolves, however the leads personality and plight intrigued me right from the opening line. I think think this has the possibility to be an incredible story, and I eagerly await more chapters:)
Bron
The Endless Awakening

Paul Barr wrote 1225 days ago

Hi Heybell, A great pitch making for an interesting read; backed with pleasure.

Best wishes,

Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

Kaimaparamban wrote 1226 days ago

Hi Haybell, I am impressed by the pitch of “A Forbidden Love“ and ****** rated. Now your book is in my w/l.

Could you please ****** rate & back my novel ‘The Wildfire’, based on British – Malabar Riot, 1921. Please read my profile to know more about me and my works.

All the best,
Joy J Kaimaparamban



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