The Slumber of Brynhild

Lots of room for improvement, but a willing author with a wonderful topic can work wonders if they try.

This is a promising fragment, though it does need some rewriting and polishing. I've already referred to the plethora of grammatical and usage issues. Also, take care to root out anachronisms - in Mediaeval homes the "kitchen", such as it was, was outdoors or in an attached shed, not in the house; also, watch modern phraseology, like having your characters swear with modern epithets. The plotting and pacing are very good. We're a little lacking in description, especially of the village. Also, think through your scenes, and make sure everything makes sense - you say he tied Brinnhilde to his horse, but you don't say with what. Tying someone to a horse that is going to be galloping, especially if the intent is not to cause serious chafing and even abraded skin to the point of bleeding, is well-nigh impossible.

Don't let my remarks discourage you. What I am saying is the kind of work that any author has to undertake to improve a manuscript. I've written fourteen novels and still have to work hard at improving manuscripts. So keep at it, and my best wishes are with you.

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

Greetings, Kayla Shaw!

I will continue to read your entire manuscript, but, as is my wont here, let me offer a few detailed comments on your first chapter. It reads rather well, and I do look forward to continuing with your version of the Icelandic sagas, which I know very well, by the way.

In my 35-year professional career editors and copyeditors at book publishers have often said to me how important it is for an unsolicited manuscript to stand out from the "slush pile" if its author hopes to have any chance of seeing it published. Therefore, they (and therefore I) urge would-be authors to clean their manuscripts up to give as good an impression as possible. With that in mind, consider the following:

At the end of your first paragraph ("he has") you slip for a moment into present tense; you do the same thing later, with "before he proceeds".

The past tense of "to sneak" is not "snuck" (which is modern, not Mediaeval, slang) but "sneaked".

The commas are missing when characters address each other by name or term - these names serve as dependent clauses, and as such need to be separated with commas. For example: "Do you understand Sigurd?" (as worded, the priest is asking Sigurd if he understands himself), "crimes sir", "whispers boy", and so on.

Where you wrote "poured over" (which refers to pouring liquid over something) you meant to write "pored over" (which refers to scrutinizing something, like a map or a text, carefully with one's eyes) - but that is not correct either, since Sigurd is mentally reviewing his options, not with his eyes.

"(last names:Tofal and Stromerson)" appears to be a note to yourself that you neglected to excise.

"their dissimilar mannerisms" - as worded, you're saying that Brynnhilde and Maren have mannerisms that are different from each other. I assume you meant to say that the two of them, collectively, have mannerisms differerent from those of the townsfolk. Try another adjective - strange, foreign, alien, or the like.

"forthcoming of their past" - you mean "about" instead of "of", but even that is not quite correct - "forthcoming" means to produce something, visually or orally, and they can't pull their past out of a pocket; you mean to say "forthcoming with stories about their past", or the like.

"six-hundred" and "one-by-one" - the hyphens are incorrect.

"all their ashen faces" - "all OF their...".

More anon.

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

Hi Kayla,

You've chosen a fascinating subject and a great backdrop. The pitch grabbed my attention as soon as I read it and I'm sure you'd find a varied audience. Well-written and engaging from the off.

I've starred and will give you some shelf time as soon as I can.
Good luck, Claire

Hi Kyla,
I like your story. If you can only describe 18th century Bamberg a little more in the background, I think it would help. Nevertheless backed.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Hi Kayla, having read your other book, I expected a good read from this one - I wasn't disappointed.
Witchcraft and magic, always a good combination and this is as pretty brilliant storyline.
You have an ability for descriptive scenes, I think this goes a long way to providing a first class read, after all the reader needs to be right there in the action and to feel it.
I expect your book to rise in the charts as more readers see it.
Pleased to rate it and good wishes. RATED.

Would be pleased if you could take a look at my 2nd book THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - COSMOS 501.
I would be very pleased. All the best.

Kind regards,

Neville.

Dear Kayla, Well, here I am to read & comment on your 2nd book which is just as well written as your 1st book. :) I love that your story takes place in 18th century Germany & that your Sleeping Beauty, Guddum being woken from the spell by Sigurd, hopefully. :) At the end of chapter 5, things are still in the making, so I'll write in my mind that they get married & live happily ever after :) - all "incomplete" books on authonomy, I write happy endings in my mind. :) Hope your will write many more wonderful books. :) I have now read & commented on, & gold ******-rated both of your delightful books. :) Thank you so very much for backing & ******-ing mine, too. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing-more-than-24-hours moves our books up authonomy's lists :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your books are, too. :)

I love the re-telling of a fairy tale in an adult manner. Excellent writing so far and your gifted imagination shines through. Backed X24

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 10 hours later :)