MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

I just finished the first chapter, and wow! Your story telling skills are superb! I really enjoyed the dialogue and the accents used. It made me feel as if I were right there listening to the guys talk. There was definitely a lot of harder language used, but in most cases it seemed necessary to help build the characters up. Great storyline, and the beginning part kept my curiosity up! I think you've got a fine story here, and I wish you and your book well! I've added it to my WL to read on further. Keep it up!

Hi Emmett, I've read the first 5 chapters so I thought I'd give you a bit of feedback. Its a very interesting start, I like the way it jumps from situation to situation, focussing on the different characters and changing the point of view. Its a very fresh and different way of introducing the characters, I really like it. The story has quite a slow pace which works really well as it feels like it's gradually unfolding. The story and subject matter is still intriguing and I do want to know where you take it, so I will definitiely read on. You reveal your characters very well and I love the way we learn about who Jason is, the kind of person he is and how he came to be in this situation!. Loved the setting, love the story so far.
Will comment again when I've read more, and I will find a place on my shelf
Best of luck
Rachael

Emmertt, I enjoyed this and although there are one or two editing issues, its a well writtien book. Youu have an ability to catch a rider with some clever little hooks which developo into something big and stops the reader from putting the book down. Noce flow t the book which also helps with te pace to match. Great descriptive voice which you use so clverly. I think this is going to do so well in the future. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

Miracle in the Swamp

Great premise and you dive right into the story... I was wondering if there was some sort of fantasy aspect at first, but only because i have a bad habit of not checking the pitch before i read the first chapter... my bad...

anyway, this is really well written - the dialogue must have been a hard thing to do. i find myself enjoying the story line but when people start talking, i drift a little... i get it, it's the accent, it's the location, it's the time... but for me, i just see poor (intentional) spelling and bad grammar... and i cringe.

just make sure you add commas pre-names in dialogue such as "My son and i are happy to help(,) Sergeant" and "We're certainly happy that you did(,) Tommy"
this rule would still apply even if you're spelling everything else incorrectly for dialect reasons

I'm a big fan of Detective Chevalier... he's my favourite character in the book, and i'm glad he wants to help Mrs Raney

- and i loved the line about all people from India are Buddhists because it's like the icing on the cake of Jones's ignorance.

anyway, great read - i'm glad i continued to read on past the dialogue :)

Jaclyn x
My Life Without Me

Hi Emmett,

Your setup for this story is really good. A man thrown in the swamp to die is rescued by an old lady living in the swamp. A recluse who has lived in her old broken down shack for fifty years. No modern conveniences; no electric, gas or plumbing. She raises her own food or gets what she needs from the swamp. She is completely self reliant.

The protagonists are black and have tried to kill the man for no other reason than he is white. The black men are unaware the white boy has survived their attempt to murder him and they are planning more murders. This is all good stuff. Draws the reader in to see what is going to happen next.

Your MC voice is good and keeps the story moving. But I did have a problem with some of your attempts at giving the old lady and the black men dialects. They are not consistent. You should first define your words. For example: If ' this ' = ' dis ' or ' that ' = ' dat ' or ' then ' = ' din ' - "Din" all words should be applied uniformly throughout the dialogue. It would help if you made up your own list of words and meanings so the reader can can get used to the dialogue. In addition, this type of slang is usually accompanied by mixing up tenses. For instance: If you were going to have your character say "I don't get it." would translate into "I no got it." I also had a little problem with your descriptions, some seemed inconsistent. For example, you have Jason describing Etta's kitchen as a "makeshift kitchen". This seemed like a really odd observation since she has lived in the shack for decades and has presumably used the same kitchen for the same length of time.

Anyway, hope this helps. It's all subjective and can certainly be ignored. Just one person's opinion. I wish you well with this.

I still like the story and setup. Stars and watch list. I'll be back to read more.

Sneaky

E.M.,
You have an eye for detail and an ear for vernacular, both being the salient points of your book. The unfortunate cirtcumstances around Jason's being shot in the head and ending up in the care of old Etta in the bayou, are what give your plot such irony, the shooting victim being a racist and his rescuer an aging black woman who'd turned hermit after being raped. You have an economy of words, ending your subjects when sufficiently treated, and going for the right segue, cutting to the chase. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Just read your first chapter, Emmett, and man, you can write! The characters, and the fab Creole dialects, are so real I can almost read out and touch them. Same goes for the silent, atmospheric Bayou setting with its "heavenly cypress-stained air" and its underlying feeling of menace. Etta is a wonderful creation, both eccentric and endearing, and so (by inference) is her big black cat...aptlly called Cat. I loved it when Jason, coming out of his delirium, hears Etta's "scratchy voice talking to someone called Cat, who never seemed to answer." lol!

I'm enjoying 'Miracle in the Swamp' far more than your other two books - six stars and waiting for a shelf.

Joe Kovacs
He ain't Heavy, He's my Buddha

Man, you're really churning out books left and right! And apparently you know what you're doing. This is great stuff, particularly with the dialects. The characters come across with depth and flavor to them, and this really intensifies the read. You launch the story with trouble and tension from many angles, and these are top shelf hooks to keep a reader interested.
Critique-wise, almost all I found to pick on were some problems with commas, plus a couple phrases I'd axe, but these are quite minor:
burning sensation (cut comma)
shit you (cut comma, insert period) Louis scowled
a third youth (insert comma) nicknamed Jet to his peers and somewhat older, spoke up (cut comma, insert period)
I'd drop the phrase "still smiling he responded" as it feels redundant. It's telling us, whereas the line that follows shows us, so no need.
And there's a line toward the end of chapter one, "I can be showing off my secrets" that I expect should be "CAN'T", or at least should sound that way?"
Anyway, that's all the nits I found to pick. Stellar writing overall! Six stars.
Best of luck with this.
And if you have any interest in children's literature you are invited to come take a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I am surprised this has the YA tag. It's a long time since I was a young adult but I'm ejoying this so far. Backed and starred,

I think that this is a very good story. The plot is good and the pitch is inviting. i think you write well but think you should not write the cajun dialect phonetically, it is distracting. in some places where you have breaks I would put a new chapter. The story, while it has an easy flow and is engaging, it needs editing. You use the same words in the same sentece ir same paragraph. And some of the writing is stiff and unnatural. a read out loud might cure that problem.

Emmett,
What I really liked about Miracle in the Swamp was its magnetic pull as we are driven to learn what will become of Jason. I had planned on fitting in the first four chapters and ended up reading through chapter 18. You have the ability to submerge a reader into the scene (even into the mud!). This is convincingly done through the senses, dialog and descriptions. Suspense and charm, along with your characters, carry us through the story. I was fascinated by the secluded swamp setting; and Etta is a fantastic character. Highly starred.
JBCampbell

MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP
This is a different than usual mystery – which is good. I thought this was going to begin with a body in the swamp; instead Jason is very much alive; just suddenly transported to an unknown cabin. I found your dialogue hard to understand at first, but after I adjusted to it, I think it’s a strength of the book; it makes the contrast between the detectives and Eva very distinct. If I had a suggestion it would be to get to Chevalier sooner than you do, but either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Emmett...Just got finished. Intriguing for sure! I will check back to see when you have uploaded more.

I read it all, except I found myself skimming through the police parts since I did not find them as interesting since I already knew what happened. (Does that make sense?)

Jason's story was what I found very interesting...I did feel maybe that his change of heart could have been revealed with a more subtle approach and seen in bits and pieces as he realized the magnitude of what she was doing for him. It seemed that his feelings were summed up by you in that one paragraph as compared to him having a change of heart in small steps along the way. Just my opinion..:)

Thank-you for all the helpful advice you have given me - I appreciate it greatly! Blessings, Ruby

When I open a book to read the first thing I expect is to be entertained. The next thing I look for is to be informed by the detail in the author's research. 'Miracle in The Swamp' does not fail on either count.

While Jason heals under the ministrations of Etta Mouton, the story gains speed through the intuitive processes of retired detective Dwayne Chevalier. Our glimpses into Jason's home life with an abusive father and a mother who has become nothing more than a door mat help us to understand attitudes expressed when he later awakens.

The detail introduced into the formerly peaceful life lived by Etta in the swamps is genuine. While Jason heals he notices little things and he begins to form a bond with the old woman and her 'cat'.

I wish that the entire story were here posted as at the end of these 21 chapters I am left wanting resolution to the plot threads. This is a good story and one that will not disappoint when Emmett has it in final form.

Nits to pick:

Sometimes transliteration of the bayou kreyol is hard to understand without re-reading and saying the words aloud.

In chapter 21, section three regarding Barbara's dead son is jarring. More detail is needed as the information was unexpected.

It sometimes seems as though Dwayne Chevalier deduces more than would be possible from the information available. If we remember that Sherlock Holmes deductions were based on if 'a', then 'b', where 'a' is observed evidence and 'b' is what the evidence indicates. Holmes also eliminated the impossible to arrive at the improbable. I therefore would like to learn more of Chevalier's reasoning.

I would also like to 'see' more scenery 'painted' in. The opportunities here are endless from the Raney home where Barbara endures her abuse to the green mansions of the eternal bayou where much of this story transpires and I occasionally felt that some passages were, at this stage, still somewhat 'outliney' on the page.

I would also like to see the rest of the book as it is not my habit to read a few chapters. I see 'Miracle in The Swamp' to be the sort of story that will do well and as this author has already demonstrated his abilities I know that the ending will be just as riveting as the beginning and middle are here. RT

hi EM,

I like your story-telling. It is slow and intense, brimming with detailed description and dialogue. Your consideration for a proper atmospheric experience make this book a pleasure to read for anyone who takes an interest in the setting and culture which it describes. You brought the languid swamp-mentality into being and made it come alive.

The writing purveys the vastness of the land, where people live under the threat of bad and mad characters as well as the catastrophic results of nature's own forces. I admired the tenacity and hardiness on part of your characters, and was touched by Etta's caring love towards both, the wild, yet tamed animal as well as the human being who may not be considered amongst the best of men in society, but deserves to be nurtured for the simple reason that he is a creature, a person. What a forgiving soul she is! This is placed in contrast with the efficiency and determination of a scientific approach and the rational knowledge of policing and investigation, which I felt presented a believable and meaningful plot. Backed.
Ame

I've read 3 chapters and it already shows that the miracle is in the writing - well, as it seems so far. Yet we know that Jason, a man more corpse than living mortal, andwho probably doesn't deserve it, is being tended by a ministering angel. Etta is simply the most admirably portrayed and endearing character I've met in any book, here or anywhere else. The imaginative details employed in this scene is a veritable history, a landscape or a city within an old bayou shack. It speaks volumes about her life, and her quiet, courageous, colourful personality. I'm sure I've met this lady somewhere. But I couldn't have, even in the most evocative Hollywood films I've seen. I think I can see the miracle coming but will keep reading till it does. Once you have done the punct. polishing ,I 'm sure it will arrive for you, Emmett, in the bookshops.
Highest stars, shining on my shelf.
David Grant,
Pompey Chimes




Backed and highest stars

I've read 3 chapters and it already shows that the miracle is in the writing - well, as it seems so far. Yet we know that Jason, a man more corpse than living mortal, andwho probably doesn't deserve it, is being tended by a ministering angel. Etta is simply the most admirably portrayed and endearing character I've met in any book, here or anywhere else. The imaginative details employed in this scene is a veritable history, a landscape or a city within an old bayou shack. It speaks volumes about her life, and her quiet, courageous, colourful personality. I'm sure I've met this lady somewhere. But I couldn't have, even in the most evocative Hollywood films I've seen. I think I can see the miracle coming but will keep reading till it does. Once you have done the punct. polishing ,I 'm sure it will arrive for you, Emmett, in the bookshops.
Highest stars, shining on my shelf.
David Grant,
Pompey Chimes




Backed and highest stars

Backed Miracle in the Swamp. Reminds me of james Patterson's Alex Cross Series. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. These three ladies know I love crime novels. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Rog50

Let me start with this: I love this book. I love the southern setting. It is very reminiscent of a John Grisham novel. The characters are brilliantly constructed - very real and believable. I just took a few notes on some things I found that could be fixed.

In Ch.1 I think there is a typo in which you state that Jason 'can' move his legs, and I think you mean 'can not'.

In Ch. 2, I found the explanation of the catheter being attached to his penis to be a little too much explanation. When you tell us there was a catheter - we know where it went. I think saying it outright takes away some of the shock of imagining a home-made catheter.

In Ch. 3 when you introduce Dwayne, give us a little something to let us know where he may fall in the story. Maybe a hint that he has worked in law enforcement, or is very smart; anything. It's such a small blurb and doesn't seem to provide any information. This makes it seem out of place. Give us a cliuffhanger - something to think and theorize about.

In Ch. 15, Dwayne asks for gaurds twice in the same sentence.

In Ch. 16, I think you used "allowed" instead of "aloud."

Also, I just have to say that I absolutely love Etta! Especially as she is developed in later chapters. What a great character! And the juxtaposition of the calm and peaceful life Jason is leading with the hectic and crazy life he left behind is excellent! His character change is soooo drastic and yet you've made it completely believable. I am very impressed with this novel - very well done! I will gladly back it!

If you get a chance, I love to read constructive criticism. I don't ask for backings or any sort of return praise - just a chance!

All the best,
Katy
The Promenade

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A tense, captivating start. Interesting, unique characters. Vivid imagery. Atmospheric. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Faintly aware of having regained consciousness, Jason felt a throbbing pain.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the pain as vividly as possible so the reader will experience it along witth Jason. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your scene and identify more closely with your point of view character. There are more cases of using 'felt' in the three chapters I read, including the one I mention in my comments on the third chapter.
2) "Cam down boy, ya breathe steady no." Comma after 'down.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are many more cases in the three chapters I read where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) ' ... a collection place such as Raymonds was typically occupied by a ... ' Raymonds (plural) should be Raymond's (possessive).

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Taking out a small 8 oz jar, she ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where numbers should be spelled out. Also, spell out 'oz.'
2) Hyphenate 'thirty day old.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "You know, maybe some of the ones that wanted to." 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
2) 'He felt as if he was choking.' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe Jason's choking feeling as realistically as possible. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) 'Bending his Six-Foot-Three frame over ... ' No need to capital 'Six-Foot-Three.'

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important opening chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I hope you'll keep "Savannah Fire" in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf.

Have a sensational day.

Al

an interesting read I wish you well.

hi, i read the first three entries of your work "miracle in the swamp", it is good story telling and the characters advance the plot as you introduce them and give context and setting, i think it would move a little faster and encourage readers to follow the story if you edited out some of the passive voice (i think that is what you call it) the had and has's, things like that, becasue your clear vision of place and character i think the work will do well, i am placing it on my watch list, will read more, if you get a chance take a look at one of my pieces, "ghost dance" or "crow diary"

I haven't had time to read the whole story yet, but it caught my attention right off and I want to ready the whole thing. Has it been published yet? If not, it should be.

Hi E.M,

Loved this. I was drawn in from the start and after a couple of chapters I knew it was the kind of book I would buy from a bookshop. I'm BACKING your book and wish you all the best for the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Wow, Delaney! I'm liking this.That first chapter and all of the shocking imagery really draws me in. You're doing a pretty good job at showing me what you see in your head without bogging the story down--something I have not mastered. :) This is good writing. I hope to read more soon.

Your distinctive voice lends an atmosphere of calm and peace in the midst of Jason's suffering. And Etta is wonderfully drawn. Will give some more feedback next week. HL

Emmett,

Sorry it took me so long to read this, and I suspect the two things I want to point out are redundant to what others may have said, but here it goes anyway. Until you get an editor to strain the manuscript for punctuation errors, you should be mindful of comma usage ("An excruciating, burning sensation, in his back...." -- ditch that second one between "sensation" and "back"). I give you HUGE amounts of credit for writing something where race sits rather front and center, as it's quite a tricky thing to handle properly. In my own work I've tried to convey the race of certain characters by doing everything BUT describing them outright as a "black-white-Latino-etc" person, and I recommend this to you. In the conversation in the first chapter when the young guys are talking about ditching the body,etc...I think you can trust your readers to know they're black without saying so in the first sentence of the scene. The dialect and the reference to "the cracka" towards the end of the scene do it for you.

Aside from these two things the story moves along nicely and the characterizations are strong. Addressing these two issues will help make this good piece of work an excellent one. -cc

I love your opening chapter. It draws the reader in -- what happened to Jason? Where is he? What's the story? All these are compelling. And the dialect is superb - a lot of work. Well done. I will be reading more soon but right now I'm trying to work my way through the watchlist. Cheers, HL

Hi Emmett, I've read the first 5 chapters so I thought I'd give you a bit of feedback. Its a very interesting start, I like the way it jumps from situation to situation, focussing on the different characters and changing the point of view. Its a very fresh and different way of introducing the characters, I really like it. The story has quite a slow pace which works really well as it feels like it's gradually unfolding. The story and subject matter is still intriguing and I do want to know where you take it, so I will definitiely read on. You reveal your characters very well and I love the way we learn about who Jason is, the kind of person he is and how he came to be in this situation!. Loved the setting, love the story so far.
Will comment again when I've read more, and I will find a place on my shelf
Best of luck
Rachael

This is definitely interesting, if not a little creepy with Etta keeping Jason with her for so long. Alas, I don't have time to read everything you've posted, but I have backed and rated based on what I have read so far.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

An excellent start. Out of your two stories this is definitely the one I like the best. Excellent. Loved the fact that Jason didn't die. It's going to cause the attempted murderers a whole lot of trouble. Good. Very interesting characters you've created here. I could really imagine them, and the dialogue you used made it all that more real. Really liked it. I don't have any criticisms, other than you've missed some comma/s surrounding the name (who they're talking to) in the dialogue. Pretty pathetic nitpick :) Just shows you're on the right track when that's all I can pick up on.

Loved the setting. I'm not familiar at all with this part of the world, so I found it very interesting. High starring here. Hope the rest lives up to chapter 1 - Marita.

.......Emmett now exhausted from jumping up and down.........but writes:
The mere fact that the best critiquer on this whole freaking site, just told me, the mortal, the fallible, E M Delaney, that his book had only some punc issues, is OUT OF THIS FREAKING WORLD! YES! YES! YES! YES!

One more time. YES!

If it were not for the fact that I know you would have pointed out structure flaw, weaknesses in dialogue (I was worried about the accent stuff), and anything else, I wouldn't be so excited. Hot damn! I am one happy camper. I have big hopes for this story Marita. Now, I have moved it past my favorite critiquer. That is step one. I will work extra hard to polish it and address the punc issues.

Thank you.

An excellent start. Out of your two stories this is definitely the one I like the best. Excellent. Loved the fact that Jason didn't die. It's going to cause the attempted murderers a whole lot of trouble. Good. Very interesting characters you've created here. I could really imagine them, and the dialogue you used made it all that more real. Really liked it. I don't have any criticisms, other than you've missed some comma/s surrounding the name (who they're talking to) in the dialogue. Pretty pathetic nitpick :) Just shows you're on the right track when that's all I can pick up on.

Loved the setting. I'm not familiar at all with this part of the world, so I found it very interesting. High starring here. Hope the rest lives up to chapter 1 - Marita.

Dear E M, Well, here I am reading & commenting on your 2nd book :) - I read, commented, & gold ******-rated your 1st book 45 days ago. :) I love your intriguing Jason 23 years old & shot 6 times & still alive & helped by an old lady Etta in the bayou with searching for him, after his helmet with 4 bullet holes in it is found in the bayou, is retired Detective Dwayne the most successful investigator even in Louisiana, as your pitch portrays. :) As I read your story & got to the end of chapter chapter 21, I was wondering why Jason was still with Etta & the Detective hadn't solved it yet, so in my mind I'll write that Barbara will soon get her son back & the bad guys will never in jail forever. :) I have now read, commented on, & put both your books on my watchlist to back more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated both of your books :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

Read the intro and the first chapter. I preferred Virus to this work, but it has its merits. This seems more like something that could be potentially high-brow with a message about race relations in LA. A couple of things you might want to consider: the intro uses terms such as Caucasian, person of color, etc. This does not offend me, but I could see someone turned off and not wanting to read it. I'm white and from Chicago-sensitivity to race is a priority. Accusations would fly if one used the term "of color." You use African American names and dialect so you really don't need "of color." Please take my suggestions for what they are-amateur-just telling you my first impression based on the intro and first chapter. Good luck and Happy New Year.

Dina,

Thank you very much for your comments. I have been especially interested in those exact subjects you addressed. Race-sensativity being what it is and I am sorely aware of it being from the south, my goal in this book is to cross the racial divide with a story of redemption that simply tells it as it is. A risky endeavor I agree. I knew it going in.

You are / have been a great help to me here and I appreciate your support very much. I think I have yours on the shelf now or up next but i hope to get to read and comment soon.

Happy New Year (You are my first message typed in the new year)

Sincerely,

Emmett

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 4 days later :)

Read the intro and the first chapter. I preferred Virus to this work, but it has its merits. This seems more like something that could be potentially high-brow with a message about race relations in LA. A couple of things you might want to consider: the intro uses terms such as Caucasian, person of color, etc. This does not offend me, but I could see someone turned off and not wanting to read it. I'm white and from Chicago-sensitivity to race is a priority. Accusations would fly if one used the term "of color." You use African American names and dialect so you really don't need "of color." Please take my suggestions for what they are-amateur-just telling you my first impression based on the intro and first chapter. Good luck and Happy New Year.

I just finished the first chapter, and wow! Your story telling skills are superb! I really enjoyed the dialogue and the accents used. It made me feel as if I were right there listening to the guys talk. There was definitely a lot of harder language used, but in most cases it seemed necessary to help build the characters up. Great storyline, and the beginning part kept my curiosity up! I think you've got a fine story here, and I wish you and your book well! I've added it to my WL to read on further. Keep it up!

This is a ‘many starred’ book. Character introduction and development is excellent, and the dialogue is realistic and natural. I really like this book and I would like to know where I can buy it? This type of novel writing is an art. The brogue of the area is hard to put into words and the author has beautifully and correctly stated ‘her creole dialect sounded much like a song.’ It does. Etta Mouton fascinates me from the start and as for Jason, one can’t help thinking he’s in good hands, even though he doesn't much care for his caretaker. I got to chapter 6, Emmett, and will read more later. In the meantime, starred and on my w/l. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Emmett,
You have the three most important things: story, story, story. I love your characters, too.
Caroline

I indeed do thank you Miss Caroline for being the first to back MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Emmett,
You have the three most important things: story, story, story. I love your characters, too.
Caroline