Awakening Death

This has an eerie quality, foggy and disorientated. I agree with the comments left here and if implemented could make a significant difference to your writing. Best of luck with it.
Kind Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

Chapter 3

sorry but it has been a crazy week

how about:
"The rain fell....... Onto the roof-top, drop by drop shell-like, causing a motion that flowed over tile, draining the pipes"
It speeds it up then
the drop by drop adds an acoustic dimension to the description

"Her dreams..."
don't tell about dreams, describe them instead

"transfixed" "in surprise"
instead of labeling, use body language to describe the emotion

"as if she was real"
instead; do further description so that the reader feels it real

"like a masterpiece"
too abstract, how is like a masterpiece?

"back to the office"
a mind picture is needed here

the dialogue works.

david

I started reading ch 2 of your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

"It was thunder..."
instead: "Thunder woke her. I would not let her sleep"
why?; because thunder irrupts

"disorientated and yet had familiar feeling"
this is too abstract
instead: " she looked up, the looked down, his sense of where she was lost"
you want the reader to feel disorientated with her

"The darkness"
instead: "darkness"
why?
is more omnious

"she was beautiful"
How?
This doesn't tell me anything.
Then you go on to describe her, but then if you are going to describe her beauty, why name it too?
why not let the description stand on it's own?
if you describe well enough, the reader will get it that she is beautiful

One should use modifiers only when description would not do.
why?
because modifiers do not create a mind picture.

"The morning was bright"
Too compressed
instead: "the morning threw light up and down until they formed crossed shades"
There, a mind picture flashing through

"beautiful yet surreal"
again, why define if next you are going to describe?
why not describe alone?

"It was as if"
Too many qualifications
instead: "she was looking at herself for the first time..."

"slightly dusty table"
just dusty table would suffice

"Those four words echoed"
instead repeat "Because she was murdered" in italics,
thus instead of telling the reader that it resonated, your are showing him that it resonated

I am not going to say anything about the dialogue because it works, so I don't have any suggestions

Hope it helps, (send me messages instead of replying to my comments for, I only found your reply when I came to post ch 2)

david

thank you this was very helpful. You've got one week on my shelf. I'd appreciated if you read the whole book, and tell me what you think of the whole story line.

ok, I am taking your deal.

I will leave aside the accolades, because if I understood well, you want constructive criticism that you can chew on. Right?

So let me oblige:

"Pictures flooded her brain" we don't know this creature, so show the images rather than tell
Marianne Moore, the poet, was able to show 3/4 images in one line.
for ex:
"tinny men walking in gondoliering legs, faces of virgins staring at trash cans standing proudly; her chest went tight...."
there, one line, 3 images.

"she was confused"
don't name a state of mind, show it instead through body language
for ex:
"her eyes spinning like a carousel, head turning, her chest went tight..."
why?
cause if you show it...you evoke it in the reader's mind
if you name it, it doesn't happen.

"consciousness"
when describing avoid abstract words that do not create a mind picture
instead: "floated in and out, many times during...."
there consciousness is implied

compression: "Catlin turned:
if that is followed by dialogue, the reader assumes she is turning toward the interlocutor, no need to spell it out.

In the description avoid abstract words that do not carry mind images with them: "pictures"
instead be specific right away: "catling skimmed through until she found a picture of a little girl....."

avoid too many modifiers: "woozy feeling"
why?
because if you skip them, the mind of the reader will fill in the blanks, and when that happens, he/she takes ownership of the story

Let me know if you think this is useful.
If you think it is, I can re-read it after an edit, or go on to the next chapter

david

ok, I am taking your deal.

I will leave aside the accolades, because if I understood well, you want constructive criticism that you can chew on. Right?

So let me oblige:

"Pictures flooded her brain" we don't know this creature, so show the images rather than tell
Marianne Moore, the poet, was able to show 3/4 images in one line.
for ex:
"tinny men walking in gondoliering legs, faces of virgins staring at trash cans standing proudly; her chest went tight...."
there, one line, 3 images.

"she was confused"
don't name a state of mind, show it instead through body language
for ex:
"her eyes spinning like a carousel, head turning, her chest went tight..."
why?
cause if you show it...you evoke it in the reader's mind
if you name it, it doesn't happen.

"consciousness"
when describing avoid abstract words that do not create a mind picture
instead: "floated in and out, many times during...."
there consciousness is implied

compression: "Catlin turned:
if that is followed by dialogue, the reader assumes she is turning toward the interlocutor, no need to spell it out.

In the description avoid abstract words that do not carry mind images with them: "pictures"
instead be specific right away: "catling skimmed through until she found a picture of a little girl....."

avoid too many modifiers: "woozy feeling"
why?
because if you skip them, the mind of the reader will fill in the blanks, and when that happens, he/she takes ownership of the story

Let me know if you think this is useful.
If you think it is, I can re-read it after an edit, or go on to the next chapter

david

Thanks...never looked at it that way before. One week of backing for you ;)

Chapter 1 and general observations.

Your punctuation in your dialogue seems very random. Let me clarify the convention for you.

If the tag represents the act of speaking then it is in the same sentence and should be separated from dialogue with a comma.

- "Hello Rose," he said, smiling.

If the tag does not refer to the act of speaking, it is in a different sentence (smiling is not speaking).

- "Hello Rose." He smiled.

(Personally, I'd put a comma in between Hello and Rose - but maybe that's just me.

There are several instances where you omit the punctuation altogether.


It seems to be the American way but you seem to make a lot of passive statements using the noun element first. This, at times, can make the writing sound a little juvenile, appearing as a series of bland statements.

"It did not rain for a long time. The roads were dusty." . . . are typical examples of this.

Better to tell us what the rain did to the dusty roads - perhaps?

You also open with the weather - risky. I understand that the weather may relevant but I feel you've dwelt on it a little too much. In effect, you've gone a long-assed way about saying "It was a dark and stormy night.

More later . . .

You are totally fantastic, Cecelia!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Thanks Heron!!

The grammatical errors are a nightmare, because I get so caught up in the story that the writing itself always gets left behind.

Thanks for the commenting and the backing it!! I see what you’re saying about the giant paragraphs. I will work on that!

;)

So far, the story is fascinating, the writing is well-done, the style is great. There's not much critique to give, but I will say that there's just a little bit of polishing to be done. (Spots with too many spaces, little grammatical errors, etc.) The other thing is that you have a lot of giant paragraphs, which are pretty intimidating- I would recommend cutting those up into three paragraphs or so in most places. Other than that, it's great! Backed.

-Heron

Hi Abi

Thank you for reading and commenting :))))

You are right. I'm just finishing it, got about five more chapters to go, and then the tweeking will start.

Awakening Death -
First of all, the cover picture is so pretty, and the synopsis practically forced me to read your book because it sounds so interesting. You plot is very good and intrigueing, and you develop your characters in depth. You start off the book with an eerie feel, which i love.
There's a bit of minor tweeking needed. I think in some parts you could join two sentences together to make them a bit more varied. Longer sentences tend to mean a better flow of writing.
Apart from that, wonderful. You show clear talent and i hope to see this book climbing the ranks in the near future.
well done. i will back this as soon as room opens up on my shelf.
abi

Hi Susie, Thanks for taking the time out to read my work. Its really nice to have someone read my work and actually like it :) I'm nearly finished. As soon as I'm done, I will read your work. I feel like I just need to get my stuff out of the way first.

Thanks again!

Dear Cecilia, I love the intrigue that you present of Caitlin Rose's amnesia after she survives the plane crash that she lost her family in, as your pitch portrays & I could hardly wait to see what would happen. :) Chapter 1 was totally disconcerting with the lawyer shaking her, I felt sorry for her & was wishing James had stayed with her. :) The finger marks on her arm is strange that they disappeared - she couldn't figure it out, nor could I. :) When the detective came, I wanted Caitlin to request James to stay, but she didn't, so I feared for her again, but he was nice. :) I read every word of your 5 chapters & was glad that her dreams helped her to remember everything. :) I hope that you will write a lot more touching books. : I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer they are on our bookshelves, the more they move up :) - click on author's name, scroll down their profile page & click on their book cover or title & their book will come up & you can ****** & back the book :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

Thanks Karen! Its good to see different views on this. Will look into it :)

'The thunder's voice'- nice
There is an atmospheric and eerie feel to the beginning of this story, which I like, although in places the many short sentences made it feel a little disjointed.
I wanted to know more about how Caitlin was feeling throughout the first chapter, particularly about her family.
There are some really nice touches.
Best wishes with this!

'The thunder's voice'- nice
There is an atmospheric and eerie feel to the beginning of this story, which I like, although in places the many short sentences made it feel a little disjointed.
I wanted to know more about how Caitlin was feeling throughout the first chapter, particularly about her family.
There are some really nice touches.
Best wishes with this!

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 4 days later :)