Book Jacket

 

rank 5906
word count 15047
date submitted 31.12.2010
date updated 01.09.2011
genres: Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
incomplete

All kids go to heaven

Tony Fischier

A grotesque corpse is found buried in the Swedish town of Gothenburg. Detective Inspector Markus Hauer investigates the mystery and slowly uncovers an incongruous victim.

 

Markus Hauer is called upon to solve the mystery that has its beginnings in the mid sixties.

After a work-related personal tragedy he is working directly as a subordinate to the head of the Detectives reconnaissance team. But when it is revealed that Hauer indirectly has caused two deaths, he is re-assigned against his will, to the Cold Case-group. When the daughter of the dead man is trying to seduce him, Hauer is having trouble staying faithful to his wife.

All this while the city is shaken by a sniper who is apparently indiscriminately killing innocent people in the Gothenburg Traffic.

 
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tags

, 1960's, cold case, crime, csi, detective, hard boiled, murder, police, sex, swedish

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42 comments

 

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billysunday wrote 900 days ago

Very interesting first chapter. Not sure where this is all going. Especially found the three characters that were robbers original. Realistic dialogue and exciting, cliff-hanging ending. I liked this. Nice work. Dina

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 926 days ago

Hi Tony

Sorry not to get back to you earlier. Better late than never!.

I really enjoyed All Kids Go to Heaven. I only intended to read chapter 1 but I ended up reading three chapters!. I love the pace of chapter 1. It kept me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen once the robbers had left the bank. The only thing that confused me was why they chose to wear a band-aid instead of a ski mask. I understand the reasoning behind it but the CCTV would have recorded their faces anyway. I like the way you end each chapter with a hint of things to come. It made me want to read on (hence the 3 chapters!). I will put you on my watchlist as I think you have a great book here. Well done. I hope you get chance to look at my novel. I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Kim (Author of Pain)

RossClark1981 wrote 999 days ago

- All Kids Go to Heaven -

(Language edit of chapters 1-3)

I must say, I’m amazed that someone who doesn’t speak English as their first language has managed to write so well. I teach English for a living so I see a lot of English produced by speakers of other languages and it’s never anywhere near as good as this. Normally, the common flaw made by most non-native speakers is to try too hard so that they end up with overly flowery language. But we have none of that here. The language is simple and effective, in keeping with the story.

I have to admit, when I’m reading for language issues I don’t take in much of the story. It’s like when you’re learning a foreign language and you have to read a text out loud and when the teacher asks you to summarise it you can’t because you were concentrating too much on the individual words. So I won’t attempt to comment on plot characterization etc, because it wouldn’t be fair, although it did seem pretty solid.

I’ve made notes on several points below. First, the text appears as it does in the book. Below, in brackets, is how it should be grammatically/lexically. If there are any questions, feel free to ask.

Chapter one:
-and watch where hell she was going.
(where the hell)
-like a snotty seven-year on a school trip
(seven year-old)
-un-proportionately long
(disproportionately)
-Afterword they could go either east or west
(afterwards)
-get moving with a moments notice
(at a moment’s notice)
-the cap that was left hanging in a chain
(on a chain)
-Hauer said, quite unnecessary
(unnecessarily)

Chapter two:
-Hauer looker around for better place
(a better place)
-it was hardly making sense standing here like this
(it hardly made sense)
-He had taken the habit of having a stash
(he had taken to having a stash)
-He would have fallen down hadn’t it been for
(had it not been for)

In chapter three there are really only typos where there is a missing space between words:
-hiswavy, ginger hair
-if he would considerdoing a little overtime
-he justhad to start at one
-orjust leave ituntil after lunch

Hope this is of some help.

All the best with it,

Ross

A Novel List wrote 1002 days ago

I found what I read to be quite exciting, I know it's written for effect but I also found that I couldn't see what was happening in my mind. I was confused by the getaway vehicle being referred to both as a van, and a car.

In the second chapter again I couldn't see it but I was wondering why on Earth Hauer simply didn't say 'police back off' to tee shirt.

Why is Hauer watching the woman in the first place? Is he there 24/7 too as the text seems to suggest?

Try this just a suggestion:
Hauer, wearing a white shirt and blue jeans, sits in his unmarked police Volvo, at the end of the street of typical Swedish weatherboarded houses. He is most interested in No 7 where Philippa Backman, a middle aged brunette beauty, lives. He has been assigned to watch her every move.......

In a few words you can see Hauer his car, the street, and we know what his quarry looks like...imagery you see



I can see why you have written it the way it is, and it might be just me but I just can't see the action in my mind there is no description.

monicque wrote 1026 days ago

Lovely writing! Great work Tony, well done. Best wishes for your success, highly rated. :)

Naomi Dathan wrote 1137 days ago

All Kids Go To Heaven by Tony Fischier

Hi Tony,

Your pitch is adequate, but I think you can make it better. Since this is a mystery, consider switching the tone from conversational to suspenseful. Shorter, sharper sentences in a tense tone: A twisted, decomposed corpse. A sniper terrorizing the quiet town of Gothenburg. And a long-legged brunette who wants nothing but trouble. Fun, fun trouble.

Marcus Hauer has his hands full. After …

Of course you’d do it your own way, but see what I mean? Also, I’m not loving the word choice incongruous. Maybe unlikely?

Both section 4 and section 5 are marked Chapter 4. I’m reading the first chapter 4, in section 4.
Your pitch indicates that Marcus is the protagonist, but he’s not even a player in this chapter. The main character seems to be the investigative team (You really need to have a single point of view in each scene), then Volrath.

Your biggest problem is telling instead of showing. Use narrative (telling what happened) to establish time and place at the beginning of a new chapter or section and to transition time forward. But when you get to the stuff that really matters, you need to put us right in Marcus’ head and take us through the story, beat by by, all filtered through his perceptions and understanding. This will fully engage the reader as you change it from a police report style relaying of the facts to an experience that the reader actually shares with the protagonist.
For example, look at the paragraph beginning, “The home-made-blond owner of the café…” You’ve made your decisions about what happens here, but now put us in the moment:

****
The café door jingled with cheerful bells when Volgrath, trailed by whoever, pushed his way in. The warm are was sweet with something – cinnamon rolls maybe. Whatever it was, he immediately wanted one.

The girl behind the counter smiled mechanically when they approached. No girl, he realized when he got closer. Gray roots coated her head under youthful blond curls, and fine lines traced the corners of her eyes. “Help you?”

“You the owner?”

She glanced at the badge he flashed, then up at his face. “There’s no problem here. I don’t want any trouble.”

“How long have you owned the place?”

“Look, seriously. What’s this about? I don’t have time to deal with this.”
*****

This is the fun part. You’ve done the icky part, figuring out what went down. You’ve got all your little clay figures arranged on the page, positioned where you want them. Now lean down and breathe life into them, and watch the magic happen. :-)

This is a solid book concept, and you’re clearly willing to do the footwork on research, so I think you’ve got the makings of a winner here. Best of luck with this project, and if you haven’t taken a look at Whither Thou Goest, please do. Thanks!

Neeky78 wrote 1158 days ago

After reading a few ho-hum books on Authology that weren't really my style, I only half heartedly started reading yours, vowing to grab a few lines to comment on and just get an overall feel. But you sucked me in man!
Love it. The prologue is perfect in that we're given enough information to make us curious but not enough to satisfy. The pacing is very good and there is no big blocks of text. I really, really enjoyed what I read and I look forward to coming back later to read more.

Well done!

On my shelf!

Neeky78 wrote 1158 days ago

After reading a few ho-hum books on Authology that weren't really my style, I only half heartedly started reading yours, vowing to grab a few lines to comment on and just get an overall feel. But you sucked me in man!
Love it. The prologue is perfect in that we're given enough information to make us curious but not enough to satisfy. The pacing is very good and there is no big blocks of text. I really, really enjoyed what I read and I look forward to coming back later to read more.

Well done!

On my shelf!

Red2u wrote 1164 days ago

have backed it for the second time...

curiousturtle wrote 1167 days ago

Tony,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception, were each moment is a dangling act that promises the next to have the same urgency...

.....and that you deliver

The journalistic style is also laid out in full force: precise language, scenes set in clear almost programatic fashion

The jewel of course are the macabre moments, each delivered with in an almost "concrete poetry" style

....starting with the beginning of course and then delivered throughout with the same froidor as the French would say

Some of my favorites:

"That at this moment were filled with anxiety"

"crept up just a minute"

"Indentations from the pillow"

"cracked on the concrete" macabre but effective

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"It was all so commonplace....."
I would choose one of the 2 lines, but not both
Why?
Why repeat the same meaning?
Instead let one hang in their own space.

"reluctantly balance" "absolutely had" "Walked briskly"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
Why?
Because if you are trying to build urgency on the plot, modifiers slow you down.
Let the reader instead, fill in the blanks.

"more nervous" "anxiously over"
I would also cut a bit on the emotional labeling (i.e. nervous, anxious. etc)
Instead I would use body language to describe the emotions rather than label them
Why?
If you label them, the reader reads, if you describe, the reader feels.
like you do here:
"breathing heavily. Knees shacking"
you see, right there we know she's ansxious, we know she's freaking out
why label it then?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall wonderful

david

Valerie T wrote 1170 days ago

Based on reading the first three chapters, I think the opening is a very good hook for the reader but I found the prologue a little long and overy detailed. I was unclear as to where it fits in the chronology of the narrative. Once I got to chapter two I found the the flow and pace to be much more compelling. Good luck with this!
Valerie

JOE ADU-GYAMFI wrote 1177 days ago

hi Tony i appreciate ur genuine evaluation.it was really wonderful of u.actually most people read synopsis and pass comments but you re a real authonomist.and uve got a very wonderful story here.The picth is enticing n am sure the story itself will offer us more.wish you all the best!
Joe-Herbivore City

Philip Churchman wrote 1177 days ago

Hi Tony, I read to the end of chapter 2 and overall this looks like the start of a very credible thriller. Just a couple of suggestions: the description of the murder at the start is too sudden and gratuitous for me - the following section would for me be a better opening. Secondly, a minor point at the end of the second chapter: "and the vomit ran down his stomach and legs" sounds a bit strange - not sure why. I would just finish with "Then he threw up violently." Also think the previous two sentences to this might need joining up.
Overall very good though. Good luck, Philip

davidgee wrote 1178 days ago

Prologue is a better opening than "the second hammer blow" (too obvious). Prologue gets ragged (esp. the getaway section) but has a good ending. dg

rb101182 wrote 1183 days ago

Thanks for the message Tony, just gave you 6 stars based on a great pitch and first chapter! Added you to my WL and will give you additional feedback once I've finished reading. Feel free to check out my book as well!

Rachel

Fischier wrote 1188 days ago

Hi Tony

Thanks for the welcome to the site the other day, I'm beginning to get the hang of Authonomy a bit more now!

I like your pitch and hope to give your book a read as soon as I'm able - I only get an hour on Authonmy each night, so I'm a little on the slow side but I will genuine, detailed reviews/criticisms when I get there!

If you get the chance, I would of course love for you to read my novel "Below" and I welcome honest criticism.

More later.
Andrea


Thank you! I will. I have a lot to read right now, but I'll get to yours eventually :-)
Best,
Tony

Andrea Somerville wrote 1188 days ago

Hi Tony

Thanks for the welcome to the site the other day, I'm beginning to get the hang of Authonomy a bit more now!

I like your pitch and hope to give your book a read as soon as I'm able - I only get an hour on Authonmy each night, so I'm a little on the slow side but I will genuine, detailed reviews/criticisms when I get there!

If you get the chance, I would of course love for you to read my novel "Below" and I welcome honest criticism.

More later.
Andrea

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Tony!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.



Sure will. Good luck!
/Tony

SusieGulick wrote 1190 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Tony!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

I made a change in the order of the chapters to try out a new beginning.
The new Prologue is in two parts and I've uploaded the first one while working with the translation of the the other.
Please comment!
/Tony

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

Highly readable thriller which engages the reader
and leaves you wanting to read more.
No crits I'm afraid
best luck with it mikegilli The Free


Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment.
Well, if you can't find anything to complain about, I won't hold it against you! ;-)
/Tony

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

ALL KIDS GO TO HEAVEN

Good pitch - enough information to get me interested and I like the fact that the country is fairly unknown to me - it makes a nice change from the UK or the USA!
In chapter 1 the para beginning 'Hauer looked round' - there is an 'a' missing. In fact I felt this whole paragraph a little clumsy and head to read it twice.

Later on the story flowed better. Sinister as the man watches the woman - the man confronting him - the finding of the scull and the body. Very chilling and full of suspense.
I would rate this as a very promising crime thriller. You have some excellent descriptions (body decay), graphic and believable. I am happy to give this a good star rating and I haveplaced this on my WL. Good lluck with it.
(If you have a quiet moment could you please take a look at The Crossing ?)
Faith
THE CROSSING



Yes, it sort of seems a bit awkward... I'll have to try to re-write it. Thanks very much for your kind comments. Much appreciated!
/Tony

mikegilli wrote 1190 days ago

Highly readable thriller which engages the reader
and leaves you wanting to read more.
No crits I'm afraid
best luck with it mikegilli The Free

fh wrote 1190 days ago

ALL KIDS GO TO HEAVEN

Good pitch - enough information to get me interested and I like the fact that the country is fairly unknown to me - it makes a nice change from the UK or the USA!
In chapter 1 the para beginning 'Hauer looked round' - there is an 'a' missing. In fact I felt this whole paragraph a little clumsy and head to read it twice.

Later on the story flowed better. Sinister as the man watches the woman - the man confronting him - the finding of the scull and the body. Very chilling and full of suspense.
I would rate this as a very promising crime thriller. You have some excellent descriptions (body decay), graphic and believable. I am happy to give this a good star rating and I haveplaced this on my WL. Good lluck with it.
(If you have a quiet moment could you please take a look at The Crossing ?)
Faith
THE CROSSING

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

Dear Tony, I love the suspense of a corpse found & Detective Marcus Hauer trying to solve it & the daughter of the dead man trying to seduce him when he has a wife & on top of it all, there's a sniper, as your pitch portrays. :) ",,,how it all started" was very well done, before chapter 1 & was a good hook to find out about who had the hammer. :) "....at the same time, he released the clutch & released the arm when the car suddenly began to move forward.." was totally impressive. :) I love your detective already. :) Chapter 2, "yellowish-white human head in his hand" would not seem too good to me, so I'm glad I'm not Per, for sure. :) Chapter 3, "Omega wristwatch" :) - expensive. :) Chapter 4, I laughed at the "downside of wearing plains clothes" & not being offered anything to drink. :) I laughed in chapter 5 "...sitting on our hands." Amazing, in chapter 6, 400 unsolved murders in Sweden...16,000 murders every year in United States" (in the 60's). His work costing him 2 wives was sad in chapter 7. ;( Thank you for your acknowledgments :) - I am totally impressed at all of your research. :) Greatest of reads!! :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return, to help me stay in the top 5 of the editor's desk to be chosen the end of January, too? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)



Thak you very much for the incredible work you have put down commenting on my book. I do appreciate it. I also read part of your book and returned a few comments. Good luck at the ED!
/Tony

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on shortly thereafter :)



Thank you! Looking forward to it!
/Tony

Fischier wrote 1190 days ago

All Kids Go to Heaven.\
I read the first three chapters and your story is much better than your pitch! You have a chlling tale working, and you've set it up with incredible suspense. In fact, Tony, you remind me of Robert Parker, but he was always first person. You have that same dry presentation, and great characters. I think you'll go somewhere with this--I'll read more. In fact, let me know when it's published. I'll buy it.
Caroline
Summer Rose
PS--Please be patient, I have a number of people waiting for shelf space,
Tony, I really liked this. Didn't see a nit,but I usually don't when I'm enthralled.



That's very kind of you, I actually discovered Robert B Parker just after he died. I read that he was a great crime writer and that he was the one chosen to finish Raymond Chandlers last novel. I thought, why haven't I read this guy. Now I've read a dozen of his books and really enjoy them, so being compared to him is indeed good praise! Thank you so much for taking the time to give me feedback.
/Tony

SusieGulick wrote 1191 days ago

Dear Tony, I love the suspense of a corpse found & Detective Marcus Hauer trying to solve it & the daughter of the dead man trying to seduce him when he has a wife & on top of it all, there's a sniper, as your pitch portrays. :) ",,,how it all started" was very well done, before chapter 1 & was a good hook to find out about who had the hammer. :) "....at the same time, he released the clutch & released the arm when the car suddenly began to move forward.." was totally impressive. :) I love your detective already. :) Chapter 2, "yellowish-white human head in his hand" would not seem too good to me, so I'm glad I'm not Per, for sure. :) Chapter 3, "Omega wristwatch" :) - expensive. :) Chapter 4, I laughed at the "downside of wearing plains clothes" & not being offered anything to drink. :) I laughed in chapter 5 "...sitting on our hands." Amazing, in chapter 6, 400 unsolved murders in Sweden...16,000 murders every year in United States" (in the 60's). His work costing him 2 wives was sad in chapter 7. ;( Thank you for your acknowledgments :) - I am totally impressed at all of your research. :) Greatest of reads!! :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return, to help me stay in the top 5 of the editor's desk to be chosen the end of January, too? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

SusieGulick wrote 1191 days ago

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on shortly thereafter :)

Caroline Hartman wrote 1191 days ago

All Kids Go to Heaven.\
I read the first three chapters and your story is much better than your pitch! You have a chlling tale working, and you've set it up with incredible suspense. In fact, Tony, you remind me of Robert Parker, but he was always first person. You have that same dry presentation, and great characters. I think you'll go somewhere with this--I'll read more. In fact, let me know when it's published. I'll buy it.
Caroline
Summer Rose
PS--Please be patient, I have a number of people waiting for shelf space,
Tony, I really liked this. Didn't see a nit,but I usually don't when I'm enthralled.

Fischier wrote 1191 days ago

This is certainly a good crime thriller. I found it to be an enjoyable reading.
It has some good description in places, such as when the body is discovered,the state of decay etc.
Looking at the long pitch, there's quite a lot to come yet as we get deeper into the story.
If it carries on along on the lines of what you have so far, this could turn out to be a compelling read.
You have done your research into police methods very well and it shows throughout.
I wish you the best and hope you find a publisher soon. Great writing!!
Pleased to star rate ' All kids go to Heaven'. RATED.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.


Thank you so much, this is very much appreciated!
/Tony

Neville wrote 1191 days ago

This is certainly a good crime thriller. I found it to be an enjoyable reading.
It has some good description in places, such as when the body is discovered,the state of decay etc.
Looking at the long pitch, there's quite a lot to come yet as we get deeper into the story.
If it carries on along on the lines of what you have so far, this could turn out to be a compelling read.
You have done your research into police methods very well and it shows throughout.
I wish you the best and hope you find a publisher soon. Great writing!!
Pleased to star rate ' All kids go to Heaven'. RATED.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Fischier wrote 1191 days ago

ALL KIDS GO TO HEAVEN

The pitch is enticing although the long pitch doesn't have to repeat the 1960's of the short pitch.
I have put it on my WL and will comment when I have read more.
Hope you return the read.
A zoomer



Oh, you're quite right, of course. How silly. I'll fix that, thanks!
/Tony

A. Zoomer wrote 1191 days ago

ALL KIDS GO TO HEAVEN

The pitch is enticing although the long pitch doesn't have to repeat the 1960's of the short pitch.
I have put it on my WL and will comment when I have read more.
Hope you return the read.
A zoomer

Fischier wrote 1192 days ago

Hi Tony,

I enjoyed this - it has the makings of an enthralling crime story. There is a lovely 'feel' to your writing, to the setting and to the story itself, with Mankell being the obvious comparison. The depth of research also comes through, but with it being well blended in the narrative. I can also appreciate the extra challenge you have of writing in english.

In terms of constructive feedback (and please accept, reject or ignore as you wish) I agree with NA Randall's points, especially about the opening. It would be better to start in Hauer's POV and with the immediate hook. The scene setting (of the garden) is still important though, so it would be helpful to re-sequence this aspect.

I agree with S-M's points in principle too, but there are times when using 'was' or 'wasn't' is right for the story. Personally, I think the average reader doesn't notice it as much as technical writers think. And IMO, in the example S-M gives (about the red dress ) your existing wording sounds better on the ear. Although, I would try and use a 'positive' to avoid it: e.g. 'that teased but didn't shout ..'

My other observation is that you tend to 'over-explain' when describing what characters are doing. So it does a sound a little 'mechanical' in places. If you give readers just enough detail and suggestion, they will fill in the rest sub-consciously (it is actually one of the pleasures of reading). Lots of reviewers here use the expression 'show, not tell' and it is a useful maxim to bear in mind, when trying to impart information to the reader about a scene, or action or character. S-M alludes to this also: as he says, instead of 'telling' us 'he was bored', you could show it by his actions, say 'tapping his fingers slowly and yawning.'

Most importantly, you have a terrific story here and a compelling cadence to your writing. By reading and reviewing on here, and going back to edit your own writing, your story-telling craft will develop and your book will blossom.

Best wishes,

Terry



Thank you very much for your insightful comments. The truth is that, even though I'm still a newbie here at Authonomy, I have already had several "aha!-experiences" on how to be a better writer and how to organise a story. I discovered that reading and commenting is a big part of that. When you have to sort out what you really think about a story you also sort of get a grip on the mechanics of a story. I think the most important lesson you're teaching me is that I have a tendency to over-explain things. Perhaps that's a remnant from my newspaper background, but I agree that it makes the text "colder" (not cooler ;-) and I really have to work that out from the text.

I am so happy that I found this site and I'm very glad that you took the time to comment on my book. Thank you very much.

/T

Terry Murphy wrote 1192 days ago

Hi Tony,

I enjoyed this - it has the makings of an enthralling crime story. There is a lovely 'feel' to your writing, to the setting and to the story itself, with Mankell being the obvious comparison. The depth of research also comes through, but with it being well blended in the narrative. I can also appreciate the extra challenge you have of writing in english.

In terms of constructive feedback (and please accept, reject or ignore as you wish) I agree with NA Randall's points, especially about the opening. It would be better to start in Hauer's POV and with the immediate hook. The scene setting (of the garden) is still important though, so it would be helpful to re-sequence this aspect.

I agree with S-M's points in principle too, but there are times when using 'was' or 'wasn't' is right for the story. Personally, I think the average reader doesn't notice it as much as technical writers think. And IMO, in the example S-M gives (about the red dress ) your existing wording sounds better on the ear. Although, I would try and use a 'positive' to avoid it: e.g. 'that teased but didn't shout ..'

My other observation is that you tend to 'over-explain' when describing what characters are doing. So it does a sound a little 'mechanical' in places. If you give readers just enough detail and suggestion, they will fill in the rest sub-consciously (it is actually one of the pleasures of reading). Lots of reviewers here use the expression 'show, not tell' and it is a useful maxim to bear in mind, when trying to impart information to the reader about a scene, or action or character. S-M alludes to this also: as he says, instead of 'telling' us 'he was bored', you could show it by his actions, say 'tapping his fingers slowly and yawning.'

Most importantly, you have a terrific story here and a compelling cadence to your writing. By reading and reviewing on here, and going back to edit your own writing, your story-telling craft will develop and your book will blossom.

Best wishes,

Terry

Fischier wrote 1194 days ago


Tony, I've just read your opening chapter, and to my mind (and please feel free to take this or leave this) I think you might be better served with starting from 'Markus Hauer smiled and looked...' I know where you're coming from, from a scene setting point of view, but you need a solid hook in the opening line, and I think the second paragraph grabs the reader's attention a little more. From there on you do a nice job of building the tension and mystery here - why is he watching this woman? - but I think your m/s needs a little pruning and editing to keep things moving at a nice pace. Some of the personal details of Philippa's life for instance could be condensed. Also, I'm not sure about expressions like 'she had gotten off her thin jacket' - 'taken off' - seems more correct to me. Hope this has been helpful, and apologies for not being able to read more at this stage - I have time restraints and a big backlog of reads at present. But happy to give you my backing for the clear potential in your work.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'



Thanks very much for the feedback, I think You're quite right and I'll follow Your advise!
These small words are the hardest ones to master when writing in another language...
Much appreciated!

/Tony

NA Randall wrote 1194 days ago

Tony, I've just read your opening chapter, and to my mind (and please feel free to take this or leave this) I think you might be better served with starting from 'Markus Hauer smiled and looked...' I know where you're coming from, from a scene setting point of view, but you need a solid hook in the opening line, and I think the second paragraph grabs the reader's attention a little more. From there on you do a nice job of building the tension and mystery here - why is he watching this woman? - but I think your m/s needs a little pruning and editing to keep things moving at a nice pace. Some of the personal details of Philippa's life for instance could be condensed. Also, I'm not sure about expressions like 'she had gotten off her thin jacket' - 'taken off' - seems more correct to me. Hope this has been helpful, and apologies for not being able to read more at this stage - I have time restraints and a big backlog of reads at present. But happy to give you my backing for the clear potential in your work.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

B A Morton wrote 1197 days ago

Creepy book cover, and great pitch. I like the fact that you have a few things going on at the same time, which will no doubt converge dramatically at some point. Read all of what's posted and wasn't surprised by your acknowledgements at chapter 8, your indepth research shows in the amount of detail that you give. Was interested in the "wax" never heard of that before...and thought that the Swedish setting added a uniqueness. Would have liked to have read more so High starred and on my W/L until I have room on my shelf. Good luck with this.
Best Wishes
Babs

B A Morton wrote 1197 days ago

Creepy book cover, and great pitch. I like the fact that you have a few things going on at the same time, which will no doubt converge dramatically at some point. Read all of what's posted and wasn't surprised by your acknowledgements at chapter 8, your indepth research shows in the amount of detail that you give. Was interested in the "wax" never heard of that before...and thought that the Swedish setting added a uniqueness. Would have liked to have read more so High starred and on my W/L until I have room on my shelf. Good luck with this.
Best Wishes
Babs

S-M wrote 1197 days ago

I have taken a quick look and think you could strengthen your opening. You use 'was' a little too much but this is a quick fix: paste this into your browser for a more detailed explanation (you can download it and print out - it's mine) http://www.scribd.com/doc/44684880/The-Was-Reduction-Team-print-out

I'll give you an example of how, for me, this passage can be given a quick sparkle:

"... She wore a red-mottled, light summer dress with a neckline that teased yet wasn't vulgar ..."

or " ... She wore a red-mottled, light summer dress with a daring neckline yet not at all vulgar ..."

or similar.

'It was hot' is weak and also implies that the garden itself was hot - rephrase and take the opportunity to add description, something like: The heat of the day remained ... (poor example but you get my drift)

'He was bored' is redundant, more effective is a direct declaration from his interior monologue: He always smoked too much when boredom set in' (note the 'was' reduction element at the end).

You seem to get into your stride more after this - give me a shout in a couple of weeks if you do any serious editing and I will give it a closer look. Hope you're not dismayed, we all need advice with first-drafts, and I didn't see any deal-breakers ... best Stef

lizjrnm wrote 1197 days ago

Probably morbid but dead bodt stories are very compelling to me - I have on ein my novel here as well. You are certainly a talented writer with an intriguing story - with so much sci-fi and fantasy nowadays, it's refreshing to read a book that is steeped in reality - to me, real life can be far more ghorrific than what we can invent in our imaginations. Great work and shelved for a few days.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

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