Book Jacket

 

rank 5877
word count 10149
date submitted 02.01.2011
date updated 21.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Children...
classification: universal
complete

Fire Dust and Ninety Days

E. Snyman

Three short stories, each written for competitions, none of them made it. I really need honest criticism, please and thank you. Enjoy!

 

Fire Dust

A young orphan boy finds something wonderful when the world seems to turn against him. It takes a little magic to make him see past the shadows of life.

Ninety Days

When a psychic doctor dreams of his imminent death in 90 days time, he tries to think up ways to prevent it from happening... only problem is, he's never wrong.

A Sprinkle of Gold

A story about an imaginary room where a man keeps all his memories. How all things are represented through mundane toys and love comes in a porcelain figurine.

 
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tags

children, death, doctor, drama, fairy, fire, first person, fun, orphan, psychic, super natural

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4 comments

 

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Francis smith wrote 424 days ago

Hi Engela

I found 'Fire Dust' a charming, warm tale that really engaged me. I agree with the points made by the reviewers below, you can fix those things. I found a few typos "that was hardly the world" when you meant 'word.'

With some careful editing you have a delightfully whimsical tale here. You have talent, for sure.

One other thing, have you heard of 'WATTPAD?' It's a brilliant site that is almost like 'youtube' for e-books. I write short stories, and have managed to find a growing audience on Wattpad - give it a go.

Good luck
Francis

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Claire_E wrote 752 days ago

OK. I think your voice is a bit muddled at the moment. Occasionally you use child like words, then over compensate with the use of adjectives. I think you need to decide who the narrator of the story is and settle on a voice. For example your opening paragraph uses (if perhaps over uses) very mature words, then you go on to say "bopped" which is a word a child would use. I find it difficult to critique on here as I can't copy and paste or highlight. If you want me to go through your first story and highlight some issues then I am happy for you to send it to me as a word doc and I'll go through it. My main tip though is to work on the voice. Plot the main points of your story and decide who is telling it and work from there.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best of luck.

Claire.

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Gollumfryingegs wrote 754 days ago

I think these have potential but you will need a more positive pitch to get people on this sight to read them I think. The opening was engaging but I think you overdo your adjectives, e.g. what the teacher says indicated how she speaks without 'crisp, angry voice' as well. Keep at it and keep editing.



Thank you for reading and thank you for the help. I'll work on that, I never even thought of my use of adjectives, but I'll try to tone them down a bit. Again thank you, I appreciate it very much :)

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Malcolm Judge wrote 754 days ago

I think these have potential but you will need a more positive pitch to get people on this sight to read them I think. The opening was engaging but I think you overdo your adjectives, e.g. what the teacher says indicated how she speaks without 'crisp, angry voice' as well. Keep at it and keep editing.

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