Kids These Days

I'm such a sucker for stories that offer glimpses of the future, and I really enjoyed the execution of the alternative reality gaming world.

I thought you guys did an excellent job of creating the world and taking me there--I could really see each scene. As a gamer, I also appreciated the little touches that only we would notice--the quest box, the HP. (There was a line about enemies disappearing leaving only loot and XP behind. Such a great visual!)

If I had to offer advice, I would say to work on the dialogue. I understand that these kids are playing characters, and I'm fine with more "formal" dialogue then. But, when they're talking to each other, with the avatar personalities dropped, it still comes across as stiff. I'm assuming they are all teenagers, but it seems like their big chunk of dialogue as themselves in the middle serves primarily as exposition--we need more money; these missions are dangerous. I wonder if moving some of that reasoning to The Cowboy's narration might speed it along.

All in all, great start, and I'm looking forward to reading the next few chapters.

you have been working on this. it seems to read better. the plot is a bit thicker. you could speed it up by combining some of the slower chapters or chopping out anything that doesn't move the story forward, even if it is written well....
j
what every woman should know

Wow, much better first chapter. It sets up the gamer adrenaline flow and takes the reader into the world. Way to go.

Scott Rhine (Houses of the Holy)

I started thinking Terminator, or an old classic Westworld with Yul Brunner. As it became apparent that these characters were part of a computer game I started looking for plot and character build for these players to give me a sense of where you wanted to take me in the novel. You kept describing their play in the game. I think gamers may indeed love this so it does have a target audience. I need more signposts as to where the book is heading in that first chapter. The writing itself is pretty good.

not enough. the last chapter is the only one that teases about them as a team, like posing for a group photo.

The flow is excellent. The world feel is great but in the first four chapters, nothing really happens
except everyone saying "my life sucks." no plot. a good slice of life but not enough to pull readers along for more than about 60 pages.
the characterization of the parents was flat.
Technically, you're very proficient. a little fond of the - at the end of the sentence.
the only typo in first 3 chapters was a misquoting of "Sorry'
the after footy crowd looked too much like forty. maybe spell out football for the americans.