A Wish Too Far

Delightful! I really enjoyed this!like me you have comments about editing but you have plenty of time to correct.I found nothing that distracted me. You have a wonderful manner which I like.it was well written and exciting.all that from an old sofa...well done and good luck!I only read chap 1 so apologies. I thought your description was good and strong.I have many instance when I overdescribe but again easily fixed.

I have already read the first few chapters and I am totally grabbed by the idea. Can't wait to find out how it will turn out. Already put it on my bookshelf!

Hi Neil,

enjoed the first chapter and will put you on my shelf. Bridges between the past. the Now and The Future are part of the game called life.
We all choose our journey, unfortunately most of us blame another if it doesnt go to plan.

Good vibrations,

Mia. z

Dear Neil,

I have just read your first chapter and will be watchlisting and reading more. The first chapter drew me in, as some of your other comments suggest, it is sometime overelaborate with too many adjectives and adverbs. I had this problem and was advised to read it aloud to myself and take out unnecessary descriptive words. I think it made quite a difference. Anyway, I look forward t reading more,

All the best

Mike

Hi Neil,
You may have seen my thread a few days ago about taking my book down and clearing my shelf etc.
In any case, I realised I won't have time to read the books that were already on my watchlist so, I've decided to shelve them in turn - I put them on my watchlist for a reason after all.

So, putting yours on my shelf today.

Best of luck here.
Siobhán

Hi Neil
Saw your thread on the forums just now - very interesting - and have replied there.
Also watchlisted your book.
Siobhán

I think you've got an excellent story here, but it needs some editing. there are quite a lot of adverbs which need to come out, and some clunky phrasing in places. A few more commas would help in places. I've bought in auctions a fair few times, and if you only make a slight motion, and it's not clear what your intention is, they stop and ask you whether you're bidding. As I say, it needs editing, but it's on the right lines.

Hi Neil, I've read some of this before but was clearly too tired, at the time, to write a coherent comment. I think this is charming and well-written and I'm going to make space on my bookshelf now. It probably won't stay as I'm behind on shelving but you'll get the vote. I think you get totally into the minds of those young girls (without wanting to imply anything inappropriate!). have you tested it on youngsters? I think you should. Be very careful on editing - I think it should be foul-smelling mouth with a hyphen - because if you're writing for children it's effectively a learning tool for them. they will learn their grammar and punctuation from you. have an english teacher check it over to be sure - or maybe not - I corrected a couple of teachers planning a presentation to other teachers today. when I first registered on this site I despaired of finding an audience for women's literary fiction. I realised I would have to search for my readers. If you email me (address on my home page) I'll tell you how I did this and maybe it will be useful to you. Ali.

Dear Neil, thanks for your kind comments on my page. Appreciate them. Keep plugging away with Wish. It's al ovely piece of writing. R

just put you on my shelf as promised! good luck!!

Dear Neil,

I really like this. It has a light touch and an immediate attraction that marks it out as the sort of book to be read lying on the floor or on the bed with the sun streaming in through the window. I do think it needs ironing out a bit (the sentence in Chap1 that introduces Mr99 is a little convoluted, for example).

I'm putting this on my rotating bookshelf.

R

Goodo! Glad to know that you're enjoying Sim- that's what this should be about- getting the scripts out to readers. It's so good to discover what you've written is being read with pleasure.
My ambition is to see my cover next to yours on somebody's bookshelf! i think our flames would look good together. I think i've manged to convince my brother to register for authonomy because he's obsessed with auctions and would love your book - he certainly won't vote for mine! jak

No problem at all. I intend to put yours onto my shelf in a couple of days! the 5 have up now are fairly new and i will be in trouble if i drop them off so quickly. i received at the start some good reviews and some not..it was only as people started shelving me that i felt the book had a chance. This should have that too. i really liked it! i will let you know when i put you up....

This is good! It bowls along at a good pace and the language is controlled and simple. Good dialogue and the characters are developing well - I am particularly interested to see how Sarah will develop. The only suggestion I have is that I felt some of the stretches of dialogue were a little too lengthy - maybe split them up with some narrative prose?? On my bookshelf ready for a further read.

Delightful! I really enjoyed this!like me you have comments about editing but you have plenty of time to correct.I found nothing that distracted me. You have a wonderful manner which I like.it was well written and exciting.all that from an old sofa...well done and good luck!I only read chap 1 so apologies. I thought your description was good and strong.I have many instance when I overdescribe but again easily fixed.

Neil,

This definitely reads as either YA or children's. At the moment, I'm leaning towards children's, mainly because of Sarah's thoughts and actions - sheltering with her father, not being very proactive.

I agree that it could use tightening - quite a lot. But that is of course only my opinion. I think you get too long to the important part, and there are things in here that are mentioned too often. For example, if you find yourself typing 'he said again/repeated', it means you're repeating yourself, and you could probably have done without the repetition.

The important plot points in this chapter are the sofa, the fact that others want it was well - quite desperately, it seems - and its mysterious owners. All good hooks for the age group. Now I think you need to cut as much as you can to keep these hooks but lose most of the clutter.

Also watch your POV - it wavers a bit. If you start telling a scene in the head of one character (Sarah), it's jarring if you jump into the head of another character. This includes really 'silly' things like this: Sarah would not think of herself as 'his daughter'. When in Sarah's head, we can't know what her father saw.

What can I say? My girls got here before me and said basically what I would have. I do think you should consider heading into the forum and asking RobbG and/or Alexandra Marrell for some guidance on the tightening. Both of them are fantastic at giving specific advice that can be applied throughout an entire manuscript.

Hi there Neil
Thought you had a great first line - very establishing.
Agree that this could do with some editing - little things like when she says 'for the umpteenth time' didn't feel we needed that. Plus the line - foul stench of body odour and bad breath. What about the smell of body odour and bad breath - just to tone it down a bit.
I also picked up on salty rivulets, random tufts of hair, sunken cheeks, bony jaw, scrawny neck - all this in one paragraph. Just basic trimming of adjectives needed.
So, basically, really good set-up of story and plot, just the language needs tidying up.
One last thing, there was a pov shift halfway thru this - you turned to Mr 99, when previously it had all been from her pov.
Apart from these style points, which are easily tidied up, there's some great stuff here and it holds a lot of dark promise!
Hannah

Intiguing pitch, Neil . I'm adding to my watchlist. Care to take a look at my 'Welsh, Not'?

Hi neil,
i thought i'd make a more private comment than on the forum. When i read 'A wish too far' last week i thought that this was certainly a young teen book and that age group can be either children or YA. you can certainly, and should, keep it in both genres on your listing and think about adding fantasy. You get more hits that way. Remember that this is essentially a competition and some advice may not be entirely objective. You could add a few words to your tags as well. This is a good book so you need to get out there and make people aware of it by reading and bookshelving others- even a second on a shelf wins a vote and most people will be so grateful that they will read, comment on and hopefully vote for A wish too far. You could even have a look at Sim- it's a bit becalmed at present. I think i shelved yours before but I will again now because I think it deserves a push upwards. jak

thank you so much Neil, chapter 1 is already reworked so I'm glad it seems OK. I've only been on the site 3 weeks myself and it's been very hard work. my house is a disaster area! Ali.

thank you! Hoppins quite a nice fellow!

neil ive watchlisted this. i have a few in front but saw your forum post!!!

A realy enjoyable read. Love the plot - very exciting and innovative.

Hello Neil,
Thank you so much for backing my book, I'm so glad you liked it! I have only had time to read the beginning of A Wish Too Far, but I think it's easily good enough to back, and shall do so. Welcome to Authonomy, and good luck with your writing.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

I have already read the first few chapters and I am totally grabbed by the idea. Can't wait to find out how it will turn out. Already put it on my bookshelf!

Very clever and nicely written. I love the idea of the "tatty sofa"! :-)

Hi Steve, Welcome to the weird hurlyburly of Authonomy.
I've read the first three chapters of your book and enjoyed it a great deal, mostluy for the warmth of the relationship which you are establishing between Sarah and her father. Having a sofa as a central character is spectacularly original and I am still specualting about how the sofa is going to become the centre of such a mystery. My only advice is to shave a couple of years off Sarah's age as i think your audience is going to be 11-13 year olds( I'm massuming that the sofa isn't going to be the setting for any red hot sex scenes with Steve) There is a lovely lack of cynicism about this book which probably takes it to that age range.
I'm going to watchlist this to get your ratings started and because I fully intend to read and enjoy more later.
Good luck,
jak

PS A new author was on the forum earlier wondering how to reply to a comment. You click on the brown name which will zoom you to the writer's page. Then click on view book, scroll down to the bottom of the first chapter and type in the comment box.