Echo

Hi,

I've just read the first chapter and I liked it. I'm interested in the narrator and what their place is in the story. I think your descriptive writing is really beautiful, but sometimes I think it obscures the plot a little. I liked reading the opening scene, but a couple of times I felt like I got feelings and emotions before I really knew what was happening and I found that a little tricky to follow or relate to.

I definitely want to see where this goes.

This is well written and the device of a narrator/commentator who is part of the story but recently dead is very interesting. But, as another comment has pointed out, the horse scenes seem totally reliant on Western movie style riding. No one else who rides thinks that horses are guided by their reins; they certainly do not stop if you pull on their manes. Also, to resort to "she was my sister, my only sister..." to get emotion out of a boy--seems almost careless or thoughtless; it is a moment of weakness perhaps. I just think overall you are a better writer than this.

Awesome opening! Awesome hook! The story kept getting better the further I read. You are a very good writer, and hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling career as a writer. Good job!

D. S. Hale

I just realized I read more than your first chapter last go round. I just finished chapter three, though. In chapter two there's an instance where you left out a comma, "Hi, Kayla", I think was it. I really like your story. It continues to read smoothly and move along at a good pace for your target audience. Your creative imagery is splendid. There's nothing like the bond between a boy and his horse :) You've got a charming story here!

God bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I like your style, 'legs churning like wind mill blades in a storm' creates a wonderful image for me.

Hi Raechel, I read to ch 13 but for some reason never wrote a comment. I just came back to do so and found you've updated the book so most of my notes are probably irrelevant. I was a little confused by the name 'superstition desert' in the pitch: I assume its a real desert but I don't know Arizona and as a fantasy fan the pitch made me think it was a fantasy novel: the name of the desert and the beginning of the short pitch seemed to indicate this. But I loved the book and the story line keeps popping into my head and getting me wondering what's going to happen next so thanks for the invitation to read it. Perhaps you'll have time to take a look at my sometime? Thanks. Ashley.

Hi Raechel,
Well, I’ve sped through three chapters! It’s got a real flavor for the setting. One can almost feel the sun’s heat at the back of your neck, the lazy movement of the horses tail whipping back and forth. I like it! Your way with words shows immense talent and they are a delight to read. Like in Chapter 1: “giant cacti to exploit all the shade it was hoarding”. This is great imagery for us non-desert people! And later you write “his thoughtless legs had left him”. I’m watch listing your book to read more later. You’ve got me hooked because already I can tell there is going to be more depth and meaning then just the plot to the story. Well done!
Jane
The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?

Raechel, this does draw a reader in - this reader, anyhow! Perhaps it's the desert, remembering how it can alter the mind - seek and ye shall find, hear that echo you so eloquently describe. Clara White Bird's voice from the Other Side is a HUGE draw. From her opening words, she's made me think very deeply since late last night, and shed a tear or two. I really can hear her.

I've read what a few (very few) others have said about tense, but honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. I cannot see it working any other way than the way you've done it. As I said, I really can hear Clara. Almost as much of a draw is your writing around Adam, his *at one-ness* with his surroundings, above all the animals - the way he talks to the coyote, and about the saguaro being soldiers of the desert, that they cannot help him, only stand guard. His thoughts on Clara, and how she'd loved butterflies - "Butterflies. Clara had loved them. She had called them God's confetti." Beautiful line, and beautiful writing all thru this. "The sun has blue eyes." Indeed.

Back to the sections on Jessica and Ian. Again, nice writing, authentic, and we have the mystery of the Lamp, Ian's vision, and his nightmare later, when he is comforted by his Grandma - neatly reminding him about their forthcoming trip to Globe and the horse trials and race - the promise, perhaps, of a horse of his own. We find out he is Alice's son - Alice, Clara's friend, who died 7 years ago. I was a little disconcerted that Clara says Alice cannot return to comfort her son. I don't know, of course, whether you'll be elaborating on this later, but I wondered if there could be an extra line here, just to say why she cannot return. If she never can, or will again one day. Perhaps it's because of what happened to her, so I can only hope it's resolved... (Mainly it's because I believe spirits are *allowed* back from time to time, especially in times of their loved ones' stress.)

A couple of things there, in ch.1, I wonder if you'd consider... Personally, I'd start (after Clara's voice, of course), with the para *As long as Jessica could remember.............* Then the first para you have now, with Ian's line as he counts, underneath that. I just think it would be stronger. Also, Ian's nasty little joke, his words as he puts his finger in Jessica's ear - Honestly, it made me dislike him then and there. I know boys will be boys, but... that was a bit much, I thought. Jessica, on the other hand, with her faux kissing as a bite-back, made me laugh. What a girl. Later, when Ian meets Luke and the adorable Ketchum, I warmed to him again. And to that glorious horse. We also meet and learn about other characters who are interesting, as well as this as yet unseen, and menacing dirt-biker. Even with Adam on his walk, we get some foreshadowing, I think, with that dam and the coyote, where we know Clara has used all the strength she can muster to hold that dam, hoping it'd hold for a day or so - and how she has to keep an eye on him, that he has more to live for than *scattering her ashes* and *I just had to contrive a way to tell him.* Wonderful.

Only other thing thus far? Well, the pitch... I'm not sure about this. But I wonder if you'd considered starting it with *An endurance race.....*, the Clara, then Adam, then on to Ian etc. Just tying each together more. And for the tag, I'd even consider *Lost is a state of mind.* Then *An endurance race.............* I'm thinking it would be a bigger hook.

*How many troubles would be avoided if we saw events from many perspectives?* Beautiful writing, Raechel, which I've starred highly, and it'll have a place on my shelf as soon as possible.

From Kay with love
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

Just skimming through chapter two (it's nearly 0500 here, I'm on my way to bed), I notice a couple of points regarding horses. I'm sure no one would would write a novel around horses without some pretty serious personal experience.

I've grown up around horses, my first job was with horses, I've been riding since I could walk, my family owns a dressage thoroughbred. So I know something about horses too.

First, just an interest note, I'd like to see more on getting the horse out of the box. While this isn't nearly as much fun as loading a horse into a trailer (and by "fun" I mean "danger to life and limb"), unloading a horse is still an interesting incident to start a chapter with, Covering it in one line seems to be missing out on a great dramatic scene-setter.

Second, mounting someone else's horse, bareback, without permission.... I don't know how things are done in the US, but no one in England who professed familiarity with horses would do this; it would be unthinkable. Mounting someone else's horse without permission would be serious breach of etiquette; compounding it by mounting bareback from the ground would earn a violent reaction, more "get the hell of my horse, you maniac!" than "You can handle her..."

But I can only speak for riding in England; I don't know how this would be approached in the US.

Regarding the narrative, you're hitting your stride in this chapter, getting more confident as the story and characters start to unfold. Personally, I'd try to take this confidence and write it into the first chapter.

I'd also suggest leaving the ghost alone while writing the main body of the story, and then use the narrative device of the ghost to tie things together in the second draft. In the ghost, you have an outside influence that can provide motivational nudges and plot-cues to the characters. By leaving her to drift in limbo until the second draft, you gain insight into the characters and the story that the ghost can then utilize; remember that, unlike the other characters, the ghost isn't bound to linear time, so she can act on information that the living characters don't possess. She can therefore be your proxy, an active narrator who knows the story as well as you do.

As a main protagonist, the ghost is problematic, but as a plot-device, she's extremely useful.

"...I saw Jessica and oh, her friend, Ian."

Lose "...and, oh..." it's an empty complication of the sentence.

Likewise "ah, life."

Losing those four words reveals something; all we have left is some nice phrases around the reference to Jessica and Ian. The first half of the paragraph is redundant; the rest of the paragraph "we all live our years... etc" could just be neatly appended to the previous line. You really don't need the reference to Jessica and Ian here; it tells us nothing about them.

The central premise of the book, that the narrator is dead, sets up some very interesting challenges. First, you're writing about a totally passive protagonist; presumably, overcoming this and learning to influence the world will be the protagonist's primary motive in Act I.

The PoV issue that others have raised is another challenge here; it's not a question of having multiple viewpoint-characters, that can be handled. The issue is switching tense; you're moving from 1st-person present tense with your narrator to 3rd-person past tense with your actual story. That's the issue. Just consider... what would happen if Ian or Jessica met the ghost? Whose PoV would you write in, first or third? Both at once?

I'm also somewhat interested to discover how you handle the psychological impact of the protagonist's disembodied state on their narration.

Your prose and dialogue are smoothly-written. There are just some technical issues "under-the-hood".

I like the easy first person conversational stuff, though I would be wary of being too casual. As an example writing in things like 'flitting around like a bird I saw Jessica, and oh, her friend Ian'. 'and oh' is part of her thinking process and not what you would normally recount as part of the story in my view. The Lost Lamp is engaging though I think you could get to it a bit quicker, possibly even starting in the barn. I like it when you write, "but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me show you what happened next." It is familiar and warm. As a storyteller you have my attention.

Raechel,
I enjoyed revisiting Echo. You write very well, giving the reader a sense of confidence as we're led along. Everything moves the story nicely, as it should, not revealing too much too soon. The voices of the children ring true. Good description. I could feel as if I were in that shed, too. You might consider switching the order of the 'shimmies crawling' and the tummy's 'squirrely dance'. It would clarify that these are internal sensations and not that nerves make Jessica break into belly dancing or something. Any reader plagued with the Literal-Virus might appreciate that tweak. Chapter two is good. This book deserves to make the ED.
Best,
John

Raechel, I read the first chapter, and as I get caught up from my trip, I plan to read more. I don't like prologues. I think they can be incorporated in flashbacks. The more action and dialogue the better for me. You have that. I have no problem with multiple characters either; they just need to be defined with their relationships to each other. All-in-all I like your story centered around horses. My father loved sulky racing, trotters and pacers. That was his hobby, so I know something about the world of hay burners. My shelf is full, but I put you on my WL for now.

David Schild

Raechel, I'll read your work as soon as I can. I just finished a hiking trip in Yosemite, so I'll
need a break. But, in the meantime, take a look at my novel, "The Next John Elway."


David Schild

An excellent opening. Well written, intriguing. The characters are very convincing and I want to know what happens to them. I'll be back. Meanwhile, I'll leave a high rating and will keep you in mind for a place on my shelf next time I move things round.

All the best.

Ruth. x

ECHO
Hullo Raechel. I just finished up to ch.7 and regardless what some others might say, this is s good story. Like your descriptions of the desert, not everybody has ever been there to know. I have an advantage in that I have raised and trained four horses for my personal self over the years. But, this is a great story and I plan to finish it, gotta get away from the old man in the cave. And the gold being simple sitting stones, that is a cool idea too. great story well worth the read! Please do not forget mine and I wish you all the best. LLL

At your suggestion, I took a look at your book. I found the pitch to be a bit elusive. I think after reading a pitch, you should be sure of what you're getting into and after reading yours, I really had no idea. I don't think you should be blatant about your thematic aims--"this multi-faceted novel braids divergent paths...etc." In that vein, I'd do away with the introduction. I mean, really, to have an epigraph, an introduction AND a prologue--well again, I entered your novel in a confused state, not sure where to file all of this information. Always best to start with your characters in action. OK, as for the writing itself...it's clear that you've put in some great effort here. I think that your dialogue is great and you do have a knack for pacing, but...I felt that overall, the prose was overwritten and the voice unclear. You have simple characters who speak simply and think simply "They had to hear that!"...and then you have incursions like "he gazed into the liquid brown eyes, past the iris into the universe of her soul." I don't know who's having these deep thoughts and they seem inconsistent with the writing. Is it Ian? A narrator? As for the other thing, the over-writing, I think it's within the sentences themselves, at times where you could be less wordy. Reading aloud will weed this out, because when things are overly wordy, they sound stilted and awkward read aloud. And sometimes you over-do a thought or a scene, such as the paragraph that begins "Ian hunkered down, under the sheet." This whole paragraph, the thought that you are trying to convey--that Ian felt suffocated and wondered about the wind--could and should be conveyed in a sentence or two. Or so it seems to me. On a brighter note, you have a wonderful vocabulary and as I said, good pacing and dialogue, vivid imagery and characters. What this needs is more editing--you have everything you need here, just need to trim away excess. Wishing you the best.

---Mary

Hi again,

After having you on my shelf for over 3 weeks, I'm finally here to leave a comment. I'm sorry about the delay, but I've been really busy writing and subbing lately, so I've barely been on here. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. So I guess I better get going. :)

Intro:

To be honest, I'm not sure you need this. I'd just use the pitches and your profile for this sort of info.

Prologue:

Exciting start and a nice voice for the age category. It made me smile. :)

I've a tiny suggestion, though. Where possible, I'd avoid "filtering" constructions as I think they can remove the reader 1 step from the character. eg I think "She was sure Ian would never expect..." is you telling the reader she was sure. If you wrote just "Ian would never expect..." we'd be in your character's head, sharing her thoughts. I think that could be even more immersive.

Reading on... I'm intrigued by the "forbidden" shed. What mysteries lurk within? Nice age-appropriate descriptions, by the way. I really liked the "squirrely dance" and the "piglet squeal." :)

Hmmm a draped object. I need to know what this is. Uh oh, then we get an accident and the object's uncovered. I'm on tenterhooks now. I want to know what it is. :)

A lamp, apparently broken now. I really didn't expect that. I wonder why such a thing would be hidden here. Very strange...

I've a small suggestion here. I think you sometimes describe more than you need to. eg in "For a few moments, mesmerised, she watched the blood..." we know she's mesmerised as her actions show us as much. I think you can safely cut "mesmerised." I think telling the reader too much risks irritating them. Let them infer information from the action. It should involve them in your story more deeply. ;)

Reading on... I was puzzled by the brother's reaction for a moment. Felt a bit extreme. The chilling bit at the end of the scene explains it, though. It looks like the lamp could be tied up with a family tragedy. :(

Chapter 1:

Looks like Ian really is distraught over the lamp and the family tragedy. No wonder; It's haunted him for a long time. The grandmother seems saintly, though. He's in good hands. By the end of the scene, it seems the excitement over the horse has overcome his fears to a degree. No surprise there. I'd be pretty excited about getting my very own horse. :)

Tiny grammar nitpick. Where a name and title/description etc share the same function in a sentence, you need 2 commas. eg "...Ian and his big sister, Donna arrived..." should be "...Ian and his big sister, Donna, arrived..."

Reading on... The meeting with the horse was v sweet. And I liked the dialogue between Ian and the other boy. By the end of the chapter, all seems happy, but I get the feeling things could go very wrong on this ride.

I've 1 more nitpick here. I'd cut back on the adverbs. You use quite a lot of them, often when you don't need them. eg in cases such as "abruptly/suddenly etc", if you cut the adverb, the action would seem sudden anyway. And when it comes to action, 99% of the time, the right verb does the job better than a verb-adverb pair. If you do a search on "ly" I think you'll be surprised by how many adverbs you've used.

Chapter 2:

New character. Adam. I wonder where this is going.

Tiny suggestion here. Where possible, I'd lead off with dialogue because it read faster and easier that way. eg instead of "Marie would say, "Take a walk, Adam..." " I'd write " "Take a walk, Adam," Marie would say..."

Reading on... Good descriptions of the scenery. I can really picture the area. And it looks like tragedy has struck here too. Another death. Hints of nature in the form of animals too. Red in tooth and claw, and all that. Neat. ;)

Lots of build up to crossing the dam. By the time it happens, I'm nervous for Adam. Will he make it across? Looks like the dam is slowly giving way, but Adam seems safe.

Chapter 3:

Hey, it's the ride. And Ian seems so excited I'm surprised he hasn't bounced right out of his saddle :). The dialogue between him and Luke about the dark and why knights are called knights made me smile.

Seems like Donna's getting stressed on the ride, though. It's so long and so hot. Aha and then we see where the past scene with the dam ties into the story. An unexpected flood appears. Will Ian and Luke be OK?

Chapter 4:

Exciting scene as they race ahead of the water. After the slow ride, this bit really grabs me. Ian makes it to safe ground, just. Phew. What about Luke, though? He wasn't a good rider and he was further back. Things are looking bad for him. :(

Tiny nitpick here. I'd avoid having body parts wandering about :). eg I think stuff like "He let his eyes drift out..." actually sounds like the body parts are autonomous and separate from the body. Here, I'd just write something like "He gazed out..."

Reading on... What on Earth's Ian gonna do all on his own? Good job he finds the mine. At least there'll be shade. Ah and there's a man. What a relief. But ... is he friend or foe?

OK I really need to stop now. It's v late here + I've already gone on for far too long.

I enjoyed your story, and I liked the voice. I think you do a good job of drawing out the tension by ending each section in a way that makes me want to read on. I can see your audience enjoying your story. :)

Good luck with your writing :)

Pete

Even with the best books I can almost always find little things to nit-pick at, but I haven't found any with this one. I've read through the prologue & the first 3 chapters. Your word choice, pacing and character development are all spot on. This book reads like it's been very heavily & carefully edited. I didn't notice any typos, which always refreshing when reading an authonomy book.

Well done!

Jeff

This book seems pretty well edited. I am definitely NOT someone who knows much about the subject, but even I can point out small errors - and so far haven't seen many. The story is strong and the characters are likable. Good job!

IT's certainly an interesting storyline. However, I feel a bit confused with all the different aspects of the story. Especially with all the different characters and their separate associations with the main character. It may jusr be me, but I found it a difficult read.

Rebecca
An Impossible pair.

I'm reading your work in sections as I have quite a few books on my watchlist right now. However my initial comments for prologue and chapter one are to cut your prologue right down, I mean be ruthless. All you need to do is set the scene for two kids playing hide and seek and then the discovery. I'm not a huge fan of prologues and feel, unless done well they have the potential to lose a readers interest before you even start.

That said, diving into chapter one was great and you immediately set and interesting and engaging pace. I'll be back to read more soon. In the meantime I would be grateful if you could return the favour with my story, Soul Reunion.

Best regards

Lorraine

I love the prologue and first chapter. It's packed with hints of adventure (and a new horse), and elements of darkness (the looming shape of the lamp, memories of their mother). I enjoyed the fresh perspective of the girl in the prologue- all she really cared about was beating Ian in hide-and-seek, and the wonder of getting a cut that didn't hurt was a refreshing view from a child, despite the dark situation. I like the scenes you set- like the violent AZ thunderstorm in the night. Backed!

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) "Oh ... NO!" No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words and exclamation marks to emphasize sentences. There are more cases of writing in all caps.
2) Excellent end of prologue hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "POPPY! GRANDMA!" As mentioned above, there is no need to write in all caps. Use italics to emphasize words and use exclamation marks to emphasize sentences. There are more cases of using all caps.
2) 'Ian felt a little silly.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe him feeling 'silly' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Ian. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) "Look at this Donna!" Comma after 'this.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it is worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Katie -
I read your first three chapters and I was impressed by your narrative command. You develop your characters well and describe your unique setting in capable detail. I've lived in AZ, myself, and you evoked some vivid memories. You stuff a lot into each and every sentence, and I wonder if you might benefit from simplifying in a few areas,,,just an observation. The writing is excellent but perhaps a wee bit dense in desription, action, and detail. I like these characters a great deal and found myself wondering what was in store for them next. Overall, a great read,and a story very well told. I plan to continue reading!
Wendy :p)

I read some of your first chapter and a few bits and pieces from the other chapters. You have a good story concept however your writing style seems to get in the way of it. Rather than telling the story and developing the characters you seem to be trying to make the biggest and best descriptions so that every sentence is sensational which as anyone would tell you is impossible. I would recommend going through and polishing your work until it flows and is an even easier read but that's just my opinion.
As far as positive things-you've got good characters and interesting story line and you're skilled at building a scene and tying everything together. I've written stories-and published a novel-told from various first person perspectives and it's not easy. An astute reader will be able to pick up on what you're doing pretty quickly. After all, sometimes you have to switch perspectives to tell a story, right?
Overall this has got great potential. I'm going to put it on my watchlist and I'll back it when it's close to the desk.

Take care.

Roxanne Hunter

Katie,
I appreciate your comment and while I seldom reply to comments, yours asks questions. What does "The center is within." mean? As the next statement clarifies, It is the grounding force of Adam's life. The story is about being lost and searching. Most readers do understand that from the pitch. I might consider revising it per your suggestion. But I will NEVER upload another version on this site after my experience on July 1.

As to the prologue. It is a lead-in to the story and the symbolic "hide-n-seek" is literally shown in the prologue. When the story ends, it comes full circle back to the events in the prologue. It could be Ch 1, I suppose, but there are elements in the prologue that play throughout the book. Some astute readers have picked up on that and are clearly impressed that the prologue is used in this manner.

Thanks again for the comment and for taking the time to read Echo.

i thought that what you have labeled as your introduction would work better as your pitch. as it is your pitch is convoluted and full of vague lines like: "the center is within." what does that mean? your pitch actually gives me no idea what the story is about.

so it is just my opinion, but i'd use the intro as your pitch and cut the into from the story altogether. start with the 'prologue'- but why not call it chapter one? it doesn't seem to require such a distinction from your chapters- it doesn't take place much earlier or relay a different part of the story.

i didn't have a clear visual of the lamp and could have used more visual descriptions throughout. i was confused at the end of the prologue. did they see a dead body? they are imagining it?

is this ya? when so much of the narration comes from nine year olds, it seems to aim toward a younger audience. if ya is not your intention, i think the perceptions need to be filtered through an adult reminiscing.

i hope my comments are helpful. good luck!

I've read the next chapter, ch. 2 and find that this has a much more literary feel than the previous chapter which has more of a suggestion of a children's and young adult feel about it in places and the narrative itself is more mainstream. Bearing in mind the themes you allude to in your pitch you seem to be going towards a literary feel.
Also this chapter is more reflective than anything else, there is really no action or narrative that drives the plot. Through Adam's viewpoint this section comes across in a very quiet manner, what you would expect given his background. That said you might want to consider paring back a few bits here and there where it does come across as overwritten, at least to me. Phrases like "emerald vegetation" that I noticed in the beginning or his "heart drumrolled" and "rocks yammering encouragement" gives it an overly dramatic feel at times that detracts from the story rather than enhancing it. "Yammer", for example seems something that would be aggressive and not encouraging. Another minor thing is that I wonder what tribe Adam is from. As someone who's worked with Native Americans in various regions and written about various historical aspects I understand that in writing it's comes across better if you were to name the specific tribe, band, etc. especially if you're espousing their viewpoint, rather than call him just "native", though it did cross my mind you might be using him as a biblical Adam-- a real twist there. Kristin

I like your first chapter. It's got the promise of mystery and adventure. Brings out the little kid in me. I grew up around horses and I remember how it felt to want one of my own. Your characters are developing well, you've a good narrative hook, seems well edited. I think it's perfect for your target audience. I hope to read more soon when I've more time. Highly rated!

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I like the pitch so far and will be backing this. :)

i thought that what you have labeled as your introduction would work better as your pitch. as it is your pitch is convoluted and full of vague lines like: "the center is within." what does that mean? your pitch actually gives me no idea what the story is about.

so it is just my opinion, but i'd use the intro as your pitch and cut the into from the story altogether. start with the 'prologue'- but why not call it chapter one? it doesn't seem to require such a distinction from your chapters- it doesn't take place much earlier or relay a different part of the story.

i didn't have a clear visual of the lamp and could have used more visual descriptions throughout. i was confused at the end of the prologue. did they see a dead body? they are imagining it?

is this ya? when so much of the narration comes from nine year olds, it seems to aim toward a younger audience. if ya is not your intention, i think the perceptions need to be filtered through an adult reminiscing.

i hope my comments are helpful. good luck!

I read the prologue and first chapter so far and thought I would give you a bit of feedback now while it's fresh in my mind. Your pitch conveys a very introspective and complex theme that is alluded to in metaphoric and symbolic language that almost suggests a literary novel exploring age old themes. These are very difficult themes to explore with adults but to take on through children is very adventurous. Your opening tone sets up a tone that seems to have dark undercurrents suggestive of a suspense novel with its ominous revelation of the breaking of the lamp. You write very well and some of the descriptive passages are very well polished and evocative.

In the prologue though I did wonder about the lamp. The lamp is mysterious and though it might be deliberate there was not a clear sense of the lamp given except for the broken glass and twisted metal. Was it a large table lamp? A floor lamp? Was it electric or kerosene? If it is a key feature, which its place in the prologue suggests, a bit more description to give a sense of what it was before the break would help establish what has been lost. The only other aspect you might consider that seemed to strike me is the voice. I can see that this is an adult novel because of the themes, though the viewpoint is in the first chapter and prologue two different children. This is not an ordinary path to take since to sustain an adult's interest in a child's actions and internal world the actions and internal world have to be uniquely interesting. Though you have the child's viewpoint you might consider getting rid of the expressions in everything but the dialogue and the direct internal thoughts that are child-like. It's only in the dialogue and the direct thoughts that you need to be careful that you're keeping a child's view. You do that for the most part but there were small sections where it felt like a children's novel rather than an adult book featuring children. Words like "squisy", "tummy", "chinking, clattering, crashing," and "shimmies" that were in the narrative, pulled the novel away from its adult feel. All this doesn't take away from your very evident ability to write wonderful and embark on a deeply interesting story. I'll read on soon and give more feed back. Kristin

Just read Chapters 2-4 and was struck by your beautiful descriptions. The opening paragraphs of Chapter 2 were particulary vivid and I loved the introduction to Adam. I felt like I was right there with him. I would have liked your descriptions to include some more about the sound of the place, just to heighten the experience and pull me in further.

Nice use of gentle foreshadowing with the dam and building tension with the characters different concerns about darkness, the storm, and being behind as they rode.

The excitement and peril is well written without becoming over the top or too intense for young readers. At the same time, it is engaging enough to hold the attention of adults. I look forward to reading more.

This is a wonderful story and descriptively written.
You have described your characters and their relationships with one another perfectly. I love the relationship between Ian and Jessica.
It is perfect for children for about 10 or 11 upwards, I would say, having a grandchild of 8 myself, I think its just a little bit too advanced for her. But who am I to say, theyre all different.
I read two chapters and saw no sign of spelling or grammar mistakes. Your writing flows well and like I said is beautifully descriptive. It's a pleasure to read.
The story is exciting, and you ended your chapters in suspense so the reader wants to read on..
The only faults I noticed were
1. The pitch was a little confusing. There were a lot of different characters and the storyline didn't seem to follow on.
2. When Ian in chapter 1 was first upset about the lamp I thought he was upset about Jessica hurting herself until Jesica was upset about it too. I was confused and didn't know why they were both suddenly sick etc. I had to retrace my steps before I realised Ian was traumatised about the lamp ( not Jessica's injury. Maybe Ians shock - although it was well done needs to be made more obvious? Could be me.
Overall I think your book is a winner, certainly one I would buy for my granddaughter -in a couple of years! I give it 6 points. Your backed.
Junetee(Four Corners)

This is a wonderful story and descriptively written.
You have described your characters and their relationships with one another perfectly. I love the relationship between Ian and Jessica.
It is perfect for children for about 10 or 11 upwards, I would say, having a grandchild of 8 myself, I think its just a little bit too advanced for her. But who am I to say, theyre all different.
I read two chapters and saw no sign of spelling or grammar mistakes. Your writing flows well and like I said is beautifully descriptive. It's a pleasure to read.
The story is exciting, and you ended your chapters in suspense so the reader wants to read on..
The only faults I noticed were
1. The pitch was a little confusing. There were a lot of different characters and the storyline didn't seem to follow on.
2. When Ian in chapter 1 was first upset about the lamp I thought he was upset about Jessica hurting herself until Jesica was upset about it too. I was confused and didn't know why they were both suddenly sick etc. I had to retrace my steps before I realised Ian was traumatised about the lamp ( not Jessica's injury. Maybe Ians shock - although it was well done needs to be made more obvious? Could be me.
Overall I think your book is a winner, certainly one I would buy for my granddaughter -in a couple of years! I give it 6 points. Your backed.

I love your poetic voice! Just started reading this.... it is beautifully written. My daughter would love the suspense, and I (as a parent) love the challenging vocabulary and word choice! A lovely piece.

in the introduction, try: stumbles onto deadly secrets. I love the feel of the entire first chapter, and the ominous references to something awful from the past, without revealing too much at once. Definitely makes me want to read more.

Fody, Council of the Ark

Echo.

The introductory words in chapter one is a wonderful way to show that various story lines are interwoven. You've worded it perfectly.

The prologue gives a hint of danger and mystery. The reader experiences the way a child moves and thinks in a realistic way.

Into Chapter 1, a boy's fears unfold, liking to the lamp mentioned earlier. All intriguing. The scene is set for Ian to go on a fifty mile ride on an unknown hores. Anything could happen, and I'm sure it does.

A few nits to mention. Very small, but you might look at them.
Maybe Grandma should ask: 'Do you remember where you're going tomorrow?' As if to ground him. Otherwise, 'To the Gold ...' sounds unnatural and like an info dump.
The 'grey gelding tied next to Ketchum' comes suddenly. Whoa. Mention him earlier. Why did he think Ketchum was the one for sale?
One last one in the first Chapter: 'Donna and Kayla [were] making their way back ...'I'd leave out 'were'. Not necessary.

This story offers the promise of a great adventure. Well written, with vivid descriptions and conflicts in place, you should tempt the reader further. We know what Ian wants: to ride the mare. Hehe.

Francene. Stil Rock Water.

A friend recommended this and I love what I've read so far. Your descriptions are vivid and lovely. The children are written perfectly and with empathy. The scene when Ian meet's Ketchum was touching and genuine.

Thoroughly engaging and deservedly on my shelf.

I forgot to mention the synopsis. It is a little confusing; and while on the one hand tells quite a bit, on the other I have no idea what the story is about other than someone getting lost, and someone else looking for him.

Also, on reading the synopsis again it looks like Jessica is, indeed, one of those main characters, so disregard what I said about her :)

Hi Raechel

It's clear you have spent a lot of time with horses, as the descriptions are very good, and not over-done, as is tempting to do with something you know so well. It is very well paced and nicely descriptive, though some of the wording isn't particularly universal. I have some trouble reading somethinf from the perspective of a child, but I assume this is aimed at young adults, so obviously that's not really a problem.

I'm afraid my critique isn't much, but perhaps that's a good sign. Really I only had a few small problems. The first was that in the shed, you say Jessica has no idea why Ian is acting oddly, and she even says so; but then, after he throws up, you say that she knows exactly why he's upset - what happened in those few seconds?

Also in the first chapter, a lot like your critique of my own, I wasn't sure if Jessica was meant to be the main character. I understand you tell the story from the perspectives of more than one protagonist, and perhaps hers is one of them (I didn't read far enough to know), but I think in such a story, sticking only to the handful of protagonists might be best, or it may get confusing.

I think you might want to go back and have a look at your itallics. At first you use them in a clearly understandable way - to show us the character's thoughts. But then you switch to using them to TELL us the thoughts (eg 'What was in the shed?' rather than the previous 'I wonder what's in the shed'). Then when it comes to Adam, it goes back again to the former, and the telling is without itallics; as I think it should be.

Lastly, there are quite a few commas where there need not be commas - 'Tiny white butterflies, mimicked confetti' needs no comma. It would only need one if you'd put 'mimicking', kind of as a mini side-note.

As I said, small things, as it is very well written. I will put it on my bookshelf :)

I love this. It hooked my straight away. Watchlisted and backed with pleasure.

The story and the writing pull you in. It's not long and you begin to feel that Echo is a cherished friend.
John Campbell

I like the poetic language right off the bat. Wl'd to read more later.

It sucked me right in and that's what it's all about. Skillful writing, good characters, and strong beginning. I'm backing it.

Robin
'Pentacles and Pentecost'

This is one of the better novels I've read on here.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Still on my bookshelf Ray!

Love, love this story!!!!!

I loved this story. Excellent for all ages. Very easy to read I did not put it down until I was finished.

The descriptions given are incredible! Wow! I genuinely cannot, with the best will in the world, find anything you could improve on. Love it, particularly the plot. Suspense and mystery! In chapter 2, you build the setting perfectly with some beautiful language. Only thing I'd say there is I lose track a little, so maybe don't switch to different people too often. I'll keep reading and back as soon as I have space! :)