FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

This story is very well written. I enjoyed reading the first three chapters. I could imagine any child being engrossed with this story. I like Sam and the jellybean factory and the fact that Sam has a very important job in putting the shine on the jellybeans. It's nice that Sam looks on the jellybeans as friends.

The silence at the beginning was eerie. Unusual not to hear birds singing and things like that. The dogs barking constantly should have been an indication to the older people of an earthquake about to happen as dogs have such sensitive ears and can hear acutely. They probably heard the rumblings long before the earthquake struck.

Nice touch for Dean to travel through the tunnel. Good description of Caramel the dog.

Well done. Highly starred.
Alice.

Hi Dana,
Your pitch is great and I found the concept very creative. I read only the first three chapters of FINDING XANADU, but still, it gave me a lot of insight on your writing style in general, which is authentic, organized and easy to follow.

Your third-person voice is gripping, and appropriate for the genre and age group you write for.

I've dedicated a whole week to read children books, and yours reflect a strong story with well-portrayed characters. The plot is highly creative, too.

Highly starred and in my Watch List for further comments,
Best wishes
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

*Please check my book when you have the chance if you feel like reading contemporary urban fiction or chick-lit.

Dana,
This starts out with a little boy who feels different than other kids and has anxiety about that. Then his world begins to unfold with a a variety of characters who influence him. Your writing is lovely, easy to read. The descriptions of Jelly Bean ranch are delightful and fun with a great imagination. I imagine some great artwork to go along with this book. Hi stars for your writing.
Blessings Roslyn
"I Am" Through the Ages

Dear Dana, Your book is delightful and when I read a children's fantasay book I always try to imagine what my grandchildren will have to say about a puppy called Caramel, jellybeaned girls by the name of Mini Muffin, not to mention Doodle Berry and Orange Chocolate and an Aunt Meg, short for Nutmeg,(my granddaughter will be fascinated) because by the time children reach 4 or five, they know many nursery rhymes and lots of spices and sweets, so this is so much of a enthralling fantasy- as writers of children's stories, when can we be sure that we reach them? It's when they become these characters and live in their make-believe world. I am happy to hear that you already have a trilogy of these stories.
Thank you for these particular characters - something fresh away from witches and cauldrons (which I suppose have their place), but having said that, this is more my cup of tea...
Your opening chapter created enough anticipation and scariness to entertain children.
If I may make an observation. Dean had a feeling, but an eery feeling of nothing - just sounds a bit strange. I almost expected the earthquake to happen there-and-then. (Anyway, it's just me )
I've read halfway and thoroughly enjoyed the story and I'm starring five - only reason being that I would like to give my granddaughter the opportunity to listen to the story, she's six in October and tell me what she thinks, so I'll be back, probably by the weekend if not sooner with a comment from the little horse's mouth.
Thank you again for a bit of make-believe.
All the best in the weeks ahead on Authonomy
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Dear Dana,
I read your first four chapters, and I'm completely hooked! This is a wonderful tale, brimming with charm, imagination, sensitivity, and depth. Your descriptions are magical, yet so relevant to the actual lens through which a child sees the world.... colorful, "whipped cream," speckled jelly bean people. Perfect! The character names especially after the tunnel experience are delightful also. Clearly, this story has all the elements to fully entertain; and with hints of the deeper themes just starting to unravel, I have every confidence it will be a great source of inspiration to children and families as well. I am holding this on my WL in hopes of giving you some shelf time when space opens up. Giving you 6 stars for a truly wonderful piece.
All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Finding Xanadu and the Journey Home by Dana Pfeufer
I've read chapters 4 - 8 this time and not surprising, enjoyed Dean's stories again. I loved his conversations with the "jellybean" girl, blond-haired Mini Muffin. She's as intrigued with Dean as he is with her (I love his eye-rolling and speak-to-himself scenario). She thinks he is weird and he hopes to wake from a dream.
Of course, this is no dream and he goes home with Mini Muffin and learns about the Jolly Bean Ranch. When he sarcastically ask about the Doughnut Ranch, she tells him that it's much further. Then follow lovely chats at Aunt Megs. Caramel the dog, goes everywhere with them and finally he reaches the place he wants to stay in - Poppy Corn. This place is heaven. It has so much popcorn that he just cannot get enough. He is beginning to wonder whether he ever wanted to leave this place - such a highly entertaining and imaginative chapter!

This story is lovely and any kid who has ever eaten jellybeans and popcorn will get lost in its pages. The grown-ups in the story no doubt loves children and give them all sorts of treats. I've enjoyed reading more of your story and will come back with more comments soon. HIGH STARS from me for a job well done. :-)
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Great imagination you have here! Awesome start to the story. Draws the reader in to keep reading. I love the characters because they are believabke. High stars from me!

Hi Dana,
Was just browsing, when all of a sudden, I'd read 4 chapters! This tale is very inventive. I can just imagine the vivid colours everywhere. It seems spot on for its target audience. This is going straight on to my WL. When I've finished reading some of the other books on my shelf, I shan't be surprised if this one finds a place there. Highly-starred.
Regards,
M.J
The Magpie King - a children's story

CHIRG:

This was a delight to read. The writing seems spot-on for the audience, and there's a fun sense of humor, mystery and adventure. I really liked the colorful choice of settings, and the story is brimming with imagination. Some very inventive and unique characters, such as the lovably quirky puppy dog, Caramel, and his master.

I wrote down a few notes as I read, though all of the suggestions are incredibly minor, and are quite likely subjective. Please do disregard anything you disagree with.
CHAPTER 1:
- “He watched his mother's face change from a relaxed look to one of a concerned mother.” - I might change the first part of the sentence to “He watched (her) face change” to avoid the repetition.
- Great line: “the weird feeling returned, as if it were an old foe looking to settle a score.”
CHAPTER 2:
- I love the message here: that you can't just wait around for others to understand you, and that you should try to understand them, as well.
- The H is capitalized in “So (h)e decided not to say anything”
- I really like the fact that Sam calls the jellybeans his friends, though I thought this might have been mentioned once too often. (Of course, I have heard that repetition is good in children's books, so I may be mistaken).
- The lines “He felt scared.” and “He felt lucky.” didn't quite work for me, especially since they were rather close together.
CHAPTER 4:
- In chapter 2, you mentioned “blond-haired lady”, and here, it's a “blonde-haired little girl”, with the “e” in one, but not the other.
- “Dean noticed how her blonde hair, bounced around her face like ribbons of gold and shimmered in the light as she moved.” - I might possibly simplify the line slightly and say: “Her blonde hair bounced around her face like ribbons of gold, shimmering in the light as she moved.”

As I said, though, I thought you did an excellent job on this, and if I didn't need to go to sleep soon, I'd probably still be reading it.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Hi Dana,
Your pitch is great and I found the concept very creative. I read only the first three chapters of FINDING XANADU, but still, it gave me a lot of insight on your writing style in general, which is authentic, organized and easy to follow.

Your third-person voice is gripping, and appropriate for the genre and age group you write for.

I've dedicated a whole week to read children books, and yours reflect a strong story with well-portrayed characters. The plot is highly creative, too.

Highly starred and in my Watch List for further comments,
Best wishes
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

*Please check my book when you have the chance if you feel like reading contemporary urban fiction or chick-lit.

This story is very well written. I enjoyed reading the first three chapters. I could imagine any child being engrossed with this story. I like Sam and the jellybean factory and the fact that Sam has a very important job in putting the shine on the jellybeans. It's nice that Sam looks on the jellybeans as friends.

The silence at the beginning was eerie. Unusual not to hear birds singing and things like that. The dogs barking constantly should have been an indication to the older people of an earthquake about to happen as dogs have such sensitive ears and can hear acutely. They probably heard the rumblings long before the earthquake struck.

Nice touch for Dean to travel through the tunnel. Good description of Caramel the dog.

Well done. Highly starred.
Alice.

Dana, I will feel happy to give this six stars. I have trawled the site for something different and this is. I really enjoyed being sucked into this story. Dam well done....Loved it.
Sean

Dana,
This starts out with a little boy who feels different than other kids and has anxiety about that. Then his world begins to unfold with a a variety of characters who influence him. Your writing is lovely, easy to read. The descriptions of Jelly Bean ranch are delightful and fun with a great imagination. I imagine some great artwork to go along with this book. Hi stars for your writing.
Blessings Roslyn
"I Am" Through the Ages

Chirg
Hi Dana
What a delightful story you have here. I found myself at the end of chapter eight before I knew where I was. (I usually just read three or four chapters). But if it has this effect on an adult just think what it will do for kids. It is very imaginative and well written. I know I've said this to a few on here but I think you ought to send this to publishers, I'm sure you would get a good result with this. It is perfect for kids imagination, to bring the characters to life, and I'm sure they would all love to be in jelly bean land too. Very well done. I have given you high stars for now. I only wish we could put more than six on our book-shelves. I wish you well with this and your follow ups.
Brian

I'm here for our reading swap and CHIRG review. Sorry it has taken me a little longer to get here than anticipated.
I have read the first three chapters. This is an enjoyable, entertaining read, well-pitched at younger children. I love the idea of the jellybean factory and I think this idea will appeal to young readers. I would have like a little more description of the strange feeling that Dean experienced before the events take him to the other world. What exactly makes him feel so different to other children. Why do they think he's weird? And when he gets to the other world I'd like a little more description of the creature/dog he finds. Other than that it is a well-written story.
A couple of nitpicks:
Ch 2
You change tense - 'Sam had an important job. He's the one . .. .'
So He decided - remove capital.
A great read. All the best with it.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

CHIRG review.

Hi there, Dana,

this is an extremely fun, colourful and sweet tale. I read to the end of chapter 3 and really enjoyed it. You MC is very likeable and his perspective on life is interesting. He kind of made me think of a child with special needs, due to his isolation and special abilities and the difficult time he has fitting in, I thought that was an interesting comparison.

Though the plot is a familiar one, I thought you handled it well and I liked the character of Sam and the interesting colourful world his young friend travels to. Even the brief glimpse of the mother was convincing.

In general you write very well and I came across few errors. All my close corrections are underneath, though they are all very minor things!

Close Corrections

It was as if he WAS looking at a picture through his window, rather than the real world
-makes it clearer

And nothing was creepy
-maybe italicize the NOTHING to show your meaning more

Dean became aware of that ominous SENSATION in his stomach, like the feeling you get at the top of a giant rollercoaster
-avoids repetition

this morning
-as you’re narrating in the past tense it’s better to say that morning

way to this world of—under his bed,
-why the hyphen?

It seemed like fun, except children often teased him, and it could sometimes turn cruel.
-I don’t understand the meaning of this sentence. What seemed fun? Why would it only seem fun if it’s something he does? It must be fun if he chooses to keep doing it.

THE Elm trees grew so tall their

Dean felt happier now, munching on a sugar cookie. THEN HE realized something that sent a shiver across his neck.
-broken into two sentences it makes more sense

CH 2

understands, because I feel the same things you feel. But you have to understand others, too, the same way you want them to understand you.
-three understands on two lines, perhaps you could find a way of rephrasing

helped him forget about his problems, even if only FOR a little while.

“Oh, wait! I’ll be right back, Sam. I have to call Mom.”
“Okay, Sport, but if I'm not here when you get back, just wait for me, I’ll be right back.”
-delete second “I’ll be right back” or change to I won’t be long

this morning,
-that morning

She might even HAVE MADE HIM come home RIGHT THEN, if he’D told her about it.

he thought of the way Sam called the jellybeans by name, as if he knew them. A land filled with adventure, with exciting new things to see
-You don’t make the connection these two sentences. Is jellybean land something that Sam talks about?? It’s not clear.

Good work with a nice rhythm and flow to it.
Highly starred!

Best of luck,

Benedict

CHIRG review

This is a fast-paced and well-written story for children. Dean is a sympathetic protagonist, and his sixth sense abilities are intriguing. Your narrative is well paced with a good balance of action and dialogue, and the characters are all distinct. I've read the first two chapters and I think you have a great setup for a fantasy story for children - highly starred and best of luck with this!

Emma

Dear Dana, Your book is delightful and when I read a children's fantasay book I always try to imagine what my grandchildren will have to say about a puppy called Caramel, jellybeaned girls by the name of Mini Muffin, not to mention Doodle Berry and Orange Chocolate and an Aunt Meg, short for Nutmeg,(my granddaughter will be fascinated) because by the time children reach 4 or five, they know many nursery rhymes and lots of spices and sweets, so this is so much of a enthralling fantasy- as writers of children's stories, when can we be sure that we reach them? It's when they become these characters and live in their make-believe world. I am happy to hear that you already have a trilogy of these stories.
Thank you for these particular characters - something fresh away from witches and cauldrons (which I suppose have their place), but having said that, this is more my cup of tea...
Your opening chapter created enough anticipation and scariness to entertain children.
If I may make an observation. Dean had a feeling, but an eery feeling of nothing - just sounds a bit strange. I almost expected the earthquake to happen there-and-then. (Anyway, it's just me )
I've read halfway and thoroughly enjoyed the story and I'm starring five - only reason being that I would like to give my granddaughter the opportunity to listen to the story, she's six in October and tell me what she thinks, so I'll be back, probably by the weekend if not sooner with a comment from the little horse's mouth.
Thank you again for a bit of make-believe.
All the best in the weeks ahead on Authonomy
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Good story telling here, with some very nice descriptions and a sympathetic hero. I liked the factory "billowing steam like an angry dragon. If I was to tinker, I'd avoid using the word "suddenly," which usually isn't needed, and is often shorthand for "I wanted this to be tense or exciting or..." Anyway, Stephen King gave some brilliant advice, which is to get rid of adverbs wherever possible, for similar reasons. They're a way we avoid actually showing, choosing to tell instead. One example of a change might me in chapter 1: But there was no movement at all( cut: , and suddenly) The barking stopped as quickly as it had started.
I liked the phrase "aware of that ominous feeling in his stomach, like the feeling you get at the top of a roller coaster" but I think you could drop "ominous" since you've done a good job of making it ominous in the next phrase.
These are picky ideas, but they're what I'd do, so please ignore them or don't as you choose! I'm continually amazed at how readers find one or two little things in my book that nobody else mentioned but which I can address. So feel free to return the favor!
I think it's a good story overall. Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

CHIRG review

What a delightfully different book. I think children will like this. It has good pace and the characters are likeable
It is an easy read for children, no complicated vocab and the story moves along nicely.

My curiosity was roused when there were no birds chirping, etc. This made me want to read on.

You have really created quite a magical world here.

Love the idea of the jellybean people.

I hope you do well with it.

Starring it highly.

Debbie
Speedy McCready

CHIRG review

What a delightfully different book. I think children will like this. It has good pace and the characters are likeable.

My curiosity was roused when there were no birds chirping, etc. This made me want to read on.

You have really created quite a magical world here.

Love the idea of the jellybean people.

I hope you do well with it.

Starring it highly.

Debbie
Speedy McCready

Hi Dana,
here for the return read in our swap! Thanks again for reading "Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams".

This is sweet and delightful a lovely idea for a story. I think stories about 'difference' are incredibly important for children of this age. I particularly enjoyed the parts where the narrative voice was really immersed in Dean's world. For example where he surfs on the floor! That was a lovely bit, full of the magic of being a kid.

There were some places however which I felt the narrative voice was more the author's than Dean's. Even though this is a third person narrative, you should still try to make the language and feelings entirely Dean's. It makes the world you are creating more believable, e.g. Dean wouldn't necessarily know that it was the smell of "Honeysuckle, liliac, pine and jasmine" filling the air, that sounds more like an adult. Also when he looks under his bed he probably wouldn't think of it as a "vast realm of - under the bed of young boys" not sure, that also sounded to me like an adult's/mother's view.
These are tiny points, but if you took them out we'd feel more immersed in Dean's world and the story would be even more wonderful that it already is!
Best of luck with this. Happy to give it 5 stars.
Sharda.

The book seems very interesting and is on my WL now. Will comment after finishing the read.

You have a really vivid imagination and have painted a great picture of the land Dean finds himself in.
I have enjoyed what I have read so far, and it's nice to see some other children's books on here.
In chapter 4 I noticed you missed a letter in paragraph 4 - Carmel should be Caramel.
Great stuff! Good luck with this! High stars!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Dear Dana,
I read your first four chapters, and I'm completely hooked! This is a wonderful tale, brimming with charm, imagination, sensitivity, and depth. Your descriptions are magical, yet so relevant to the actual lens through which a child sees the world.... colorful, "whipped cream," speckled jelly bean people. Perfect! The character names especially after the tunnel experience are delightful also. Clearly, this story has all the elements to fully entertain; and with hints of the deeper themes just starting to unravel, I have every confidence it will be a great source of inspiration to children and families as well. I am holding this on my WL in hopes of giving you some shelf time when space opens up. Giving you 6 stars for a truly wonderful piece.
All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

A great children's story!
You can't help but picture a lot of color while reading this. You've captured the mind of a small kid perfectly. Dean's clumsy, joyous, yet sensitive at times. The way you name your characters and settings are very clever. This is definitely something my little sister would love!

Good luck! :)

Hey it's nice to see a book in this age range. Enjoyed the first chapter.

Michelle

I read the first four chapters and found them to be really enjoyable. Dean is a good character, a rather lonely-seeming boy. Dean really is different, with an unusual ability that only Sam understands; a lot of kids are going to identify with this because a lot of kids also feel different or weird.
I thought Caramel was adorable--this is the sort of thing my little girl would love.
When Mini Muffin was telling Dean about her family, and he was mesmerized, I would have liked to know what it was he was mesmerized about. Usually, when I hear someone talk about people I've never met before, I get bored, so I'd have liked to known about what she said that was so interesting!
Overall, though, this is really cute, something that I think kids will definitely like.
Best of luck!
Emily
Best of luck!
Emily

Hooray! I finished it. Love the ending, and the option it leaves for more in the series. The lessons it teaches are great, and so appropriate for your readers. Thank you for the pleasure.

Oh yes, I did notice a couple more things.

Chapter 15: "Dean giggled.'Does it tickle, boy? It tickled my nose too. He laughed as Carmel... "(Should be Caramel)

Chapter 20, close to the end: "Pepper Jack was too high now to let go now." (I don't think you want "now" in there twice.

How great to read something so well written and edited that it's possible to pick out these minor points.

:-)

Mona

Whew! No day ever goes the way I plan it, but I'm back. Here are a few things I noticed.

Ch 5, 1st sentence: "... worked its way lose ... " I think it should be "loose."
Ch 6. "... consider everything that's happened ... " I think it should be "that had happened."
Ch 7. "... orange stalks sprinkled with purple flakes laying in a light blue liquid ... " I guess it's debatable, but I think it should be "lying in a light blue liquid..."

And I still love the visuals and the smells.

Mona

About to start chapter 9, but got called away. Still loving it. Have some comments. I'll be back.

Mona

Dana, I've gone through chaper 4, loving every minute of it -- seeing the sights in full color, hearing the sounds, feeling the texture, imagining this as a movie, or at the very least as a beautifully illustrated book. I can't go on now, but I've read enough to know it will go on my bookshelf.

Thanks for this.

Oh, by the way, In Chapter 2 you say, "He's the one who gives (It shouldn't be "gave") the jelly beans their glossy coat. At least, I think it should be "gives" in balance with the rest of the sentence.

In chapter 3 you say, "Dean noticed a shinny tab .. I think maybe you mean a "shiny" tab.

I absolutely love your first chapter. I've had very little time for authonomy for quite a while, but now I'm back and wanting to pay attention to my "friends" before I respond to all those other requests that come around. And I'm glad I did. Your writing is wonderful, so clear and natural. There's no sense that you are trying to impress others with your style. It just flows, beautifully conveying the sense of the neighborhood with its sights and sounds. (Am I going to find that there's a reason why the town is called "Arcade?") The sense of mystery is so beautifully conveyed, as is the hero's reaction to being teased -- more than teased, misunderstood.

I did notice a couple of details:

"He never knew the dogs [to] be so noisy over nothing. ("To" is missing.)
Mrs. Green's[,] freshly baked muffins. There shouldn't be a comma there.
Children often tease[d] him. (Your spellcheck didn't notice that you needed the "d." That's the trouble with spellcheck. It doesn't usually pick up on the context and/or the grammatical meaning.

This is definitely going on my watch list, and I count on coming back soon. It is edging toward my bookshelf. But first I want to go pay attention to my other "friends."

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Hi Dana, Super opening chapter. It drew me in so I am positive it would draw a child in. Wonderfully descrptive writing. Lots of stars and will put you on my bookshelf as soon as I have some space.- Carole

Hi!

I've finally managed to read the first two chapters of your book and I am so glad I did. The tone, language and the story itself seem perfectly set for the age group you have targeted. Though I admit that even as an adult, I could very easily slip int Dean's world and hold on for the rest of the ride. :)

The thing that stood out to me as I read, are some possible punctuation or editing issues which I will point out. I am not an expert on that stuff but as a reader, they stood out to me a lot so I wanted to mention them. If they warrant correction, great. If not, leave them be. :)

1) “Dean knew his mom tried to encourage him to play with friends his age, she just didn't understand...”. This sentence reads a little funny, as though there are some words missing, or perhaps you need to break it up into two sentences. Maybe end it after “age” and begin a new one at “she”.
2) A suggestion for clarity of the sentence: “Arcade, Missouri was a little town, and most (people in it)...”
3) “A dandelion seed floated upward in front of him, his eyes followed...” Again, perhaps this needs to be broken up into two sentences rather than one. Maybe you could put a period after “him”?
4) “He glanced shyly at the couple, he already knew...” Again, perhaps end the sentence after “couple”.

Those are a few examples of sentences that might need to be edited, but again, I'm not expert so take these suggestions with a grain of salt. :)

I really like this story and I have backed it and starred it well.

Best regards,

Dyane
The Eagle's Gift
The Purple Morrow

Just finished chapter one and am putting your book on my watchlist so I can read more over the weekend. I am a newbie to authonomy and since my books (one of which I've uploaded) are for children, I'm trying to read as many of the children's books on this site as I can. Looking forward to reading more of your story. It flows nicely and first chapter has captured my interest. By the way, since I'm new, if you have any suggestions on books to read or how to help me get critiques on my book, ESCAPE (I think it's considered "urban fantasy"), I'd appreciate. Georgia

I just love your concept. I wish to give you a tip if I may. Your long profile is a little long. ( though I personally love it ) however you have one shot with the editor at HC and I would like to see you get to the top
Joythi

I really like how your story begins, it puts the reader right into the world. The only thing I would say is that I am not sure padded to the window is the best way to describe that, just because I fell like you are talking about an animal, when it is a human. "eerie silence in its place" good imagery :) "It was as if he stood looking at a picture, rather than the real world outside his window." I think maybe if you reword the sentence a bit it would be smoother for the reader. Maybe "It was as if he stood looking at a picture through his window, rather than the real world." I am not saying you have to use that, but just clear it up a bit. I really like the roller coaster feeling, it makes it more realistic and the reader and get a grasp of what the character really is feeling. I really like how you get the story moving along and the quick conversation with his mother also adds a little more dimension to your story as well which is always nice. "Almost." A little suspense for the reader. It gives off this curiosity vibe whch is great because then the reader will want to keep reading. This strange ability you noted about towards the end of chapter one, I almost want to say you could put it in the beginning. Just because reading a how chapter and not knowing what is going on can get a little boring. Also I don't think I caught a description of Dean. That would always be a good add in as well, it helps the reader create a better image in their mind. I would think of maybe adding a little bit more description in the opening of chapter 2, just because it is hard to get a sense of where he is at. Again this feeling? It's very vague and I understand that could be a lure to continue reading, but it is getting a little hard to follow. "He's the one who gave the jellybeans their glossy coats." I really like this sentence, it is informative and just unusual which adds a little flavor to your story. You have a very interesting story here and I think if you just added a bit more description you will be fine and on your way to being published. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Dana, I loved this, such a sweet story and one young boys will be very entertained by. I also like the fact that you use Dean's differences to show children that life isn't always a bunch of roses.
One thing that shows is that you have Dean's character off to a T, as far as a boy his age would act, and his dialogue feels so very real, especially during the interaction he has with his mom.
I didn't find anything here that I could suggest to improve your story, probably because I'm no critic or editor, and I have my own writing I need to sort out before I can instruct others.
All in all, as I said, I loved this.
Good luck with it, Dana, high stars and a spot on my shelf.

Lisa. x

Dana,
I read the first four chapters of FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME with pleasure. Dean is a boy I would like to know and his friend Sam is very wise. The Land of the Jelly Beans is so colorful and is the sort of magical place children with vivid imaginations would like to visit in a work of fiction. There are many children who would benefit from reading a story about what it means to be different. You have valuable lessons to impart to young readers and this story is very engaging from the beginning due to your having a protagonist many children can relate to and want to share in his fantastic adventures.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME -- Dana Pfeufer -- Chapters 1 & 2: What a delightful tale, Dana! I can just see you curled up on your kids bed, pillows and blankets all around you, arms snuggling your kids telling them this delightful tale as it spins the tale right as you think of it. Of course, it's very polished, unlike some made up stories we tell our children at night, but I can just see that vision as I'm reading it. Perfect for any children to enjoy, and I know, because mine would enjoy this adventure with Dean.

I like how you abruptly end the chapter, just as we're getting in to the mystery involved. Quite exciting, and makes us have to turn the page! I could almost see a less colorful world before the jellybeans. They do seem to glisten with adventure. I can't wait to finish Dean and Sam's tale.

Star rated and very well done! I've got to finish this one! :)

Ellise
~The Governess~

I read through your first Chapter and I like what I see. I think that your pitch is right now and it made me really interested in the story. The title is a great too. You give great descriptions, which the children will love. I loved the description of the dandelion seed floating! I think this will hold their attention nicely. Best of luck with this!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. An engaging main character. Good use of deep point of view. Vivid descriptions. Good use of all the senses. Well-managed tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "Awww ... but, Mom ... all Ralph ever does is throw rocks in the river, or ... spit," Replace the last comma with a period.
2) ' ... that of Mrs. Green's freshly baked muffins.' When you mention an aromatic item, try to characterize the aroma. What kind of muffins are these? Cornbread? Blueberry? Banana? When you characterize aroma, you pull the reader further into the scene.
3) 'Arcade, Missouri was a little town, and most were somewhat peculiar ... ' Consider inserting a noun after 'most' (i.e., people, inhabitants or citizens).
4) 'He felt his spirits lift.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his spirits lifting so vividly the reader will experience it along with Dean. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
5) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I am thrown back to 'Alice in wonderland, Chesire cat and so many of my childhood stories as I am reading. Yet you have created a tale of its own right and standing not a copy. After a few chapters I was engrossed and felt I knew where you would have us end with the moral and the lesson learned for life by Dean but no idea as to how he or we would get there. You have earned a place on my shelf with much praise for the originality and spin from so many great old story books. Denise

I like the way this begins with Dean getting the feeling something bad is going to happen. There's a nice, immediate tension that will hook your target audience. You also establish his character well in this opening, and it's incredibly accurate. You really know what a ten-year-old boy is like. Kids will find him easy to relate to. Discovering things in the mess beneath his bed, surfing across the wood floor, leaving without a word to his mom. I was this kid.

There's a nice little mystery going. What's up with the dogs? What's his ability? I'm curious. Nice work.

Strong hook at the end of chapter one. You had me turning quickly to chapter two. I have a lot to do tonight, but for your wonderful story, it can wait.

I love the relationship you've developed between him and Sam.

Your writing is professional and excellent. This reads like a published novel.

After the first two chapters I have no suggestions. This is outstanding. Why isn't this published? This is by far one of the best (if not the best) children's novels I've come across on authonomy, and I'm highly impressed!

Review/Finding Xanadu/First Chapter

You have a style that is hard to ignore, which is instantly evident a few paragraphs in. The dialogue exchange between Dean and his mother is entertaining and you definitely have a knack for holding interest. The problem is that you introduce a lot of plot threads at will. There is mentions of “strange abilities” and Dean’s secret friend (that I am going to go on a limb and assume is named Xanadu) and the “jelly bean” factory. All could have slid in nicely to the narrative, but kind of appear clunky. A small child may not notice and I get that, but you don’t have to cheapen your story because of who might be reading it. A few sentences here and there would give it a nice and easy fix.

My bickering aside, you’ve caught my attention and I see this series being a good venture for you.

5 stars.

Hi Dana, I liked this brisk outset and how Dean's unusual ability and the jelly bean factory are presented in down-to-earth terms. Good dialogue that feels realistic and contrasts with the sudden earthquake and kaleidoscope. Promising! Shelved and starred - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Dana,

This is very nicely done. Lots of vibrant, strong images and a real knowingness about dialogue that today's kids can relate to. I'm not sure which age group you are pitching this to -but I can see 5-9 year old (who still have that 'magic' thinking) really lapping this up. My only word of warning would be to be careful about laying it on too thick in terms of images - it could risk being like a room with too many colours. However, it's reading very well at the moment. I think some playful illustrations would also add to the fun as you have a very visual style of writing.I like your clever hooks which engage the senses -I mean what would fascinate a child more than a smell coming from a Jellybean factory?!


A really fun read.
Highly recommended for bedtime reading
6 stars
Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

p.s. loved the rug surfing ;) lol

I love your way with words. And the description of the trees was nice. We have tall trees like that at home and I just love trees :D Very good imagery. This is just right for your target audience. Your way of getting into the minds of children is lovely and I know they'll be able to relate to your story. It's interesting, with a little suspense and promise of adventure to come. It reads smoothly. You've got great characterization and narrative hook. I've really enjoyed reading your first chapter and can't wait to keep on reading. I found a few things you may want to consider:

1."He loves your cookies Mom, 'cause they're the best!"
"Thanks Mom!"
In both of these sentences a comma is needed before 'Mom' because she's being addressed.

2.The sentence after "Thanks, Mom!", is really long and it might read more easily if you broke it into two senteneces after 'she just didn't understand.'

3.He ran down the stone pathway that led to the front gate, he heard the dogs again, he turned to see what might be bothering them.
This is also a long sentence that I think would benefit if it were rearranged a little. Maybe something like:
He ran down the stone pathway that led to the front gate; he heard the dogs again and turned to see what might be bothering them.
Or you could make it two sentences. I've been told any time you can shorten things up, it keeps the reader into your story rather than trying to figure out the long sentences. This is just my opinion, so take what you want and leave the rest. I hope it was helpful :D It was so nice to meet you! It's nice to talk to other children's authors, but to find one that's from Mississippi, too is the best! Thanks again for everything.
Trista

Dana
This is excellent writing and I'm not surprised children are are excited and absorbed by it.
Best wishes
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

Chapters 10-13.
Story still flowing nicely. Like the title for each new chapter (As I liked the title of the story) .
Found the graph: " to relay the prior incident but Dean stayed out" a bit wordy maybe for children. Would be easy to smooth out.
Chapter 11... perhaps too short.. But love the cheesey banter!!! also " angels in heaven humming in sweet harmony" Lovely, not scary. might actually help some kids not to be afraid of thunder.
12 cinnamon bubbles .... very good. Got a bit confused over name " Grahams" I thought it was a typo at first but maybe you Americans use Grahams (plural) as a name, we just say "Graham".
nice bit of added interest with the watch, too.
13: threat to poor Caramel...ahh that makes it interesting. But found the L.Sam name also confusing.
Maybe i'm easily confused!!!
This story is going well, Dana. Your writing is colourful and competant. Even tasty!!! please only take any comments as my own opinion, others may differ. I like this little tale and I hope it does well for you.
Lindsey
To Paint A White Horse.

Amazing book Dana, adventuring into a childhood imagination is key to writing children's books, relating to a child's sense of excitement is also a one of the kind skill.

Chapters 4-10
All going well, lovely characters, there is taste as well as colour and scent now. All my senses used!
Find the pace of the story just about right. Especially like how you use the animals "Chocolate Moose"
Only concern is that the chapters don't quite balance. I'm no expert Dana, so I don't know if this is important. I would imagine a bed-time story length is the perfect optimum. Possibly some are a little short, but that would be easy to rectify if necessary .
Lindsey J Carden
To Paint A White Horse.

FINDING XANADU / Dana Pfeufer

There are several things to like about this book. The first being the length. 13K is not too long and will ensure that a child doesn't put it down as it is so easy for them to become distracted as we all know.

The story itself is really very good. Dean is a typical youngster, the type that grabs the cookies that have been prepared and rushes out of the house while still recieving instructions from Mom. I found this to be a cute part of the first chapter and really helps characterize the main character very well. Dean is all boy and it helps to make the rest of his exploits most believeable. Skipping over the sidewalk cracks and kicking the pebbles as he walks along also do well to establish who Dean is and reminds me of some of my own travels as kid.

The fact is, while Dean is an average kid in the sense described above, he is very different. He appears to have a special ability to sense things, making the story very interesting. Imagination flows from the author and her depiction of this young boy comes full circle as CH2 begins.

The author writes in a child-friendly manner, careful not to use too many words that would make the read too difficult. Quite clever I think, yet, she does not repeat words in having to have done this. She is a clever writer, whom one can tell is quite used to children, their antics, mannerisms and what they like to read.

I don;t like to mention much in my comments about the plot of a story as it gives away things and might hamper someone else reading. The introduction of Ol' Sam (mentioned in the pitch) is interesting, he being the type of fellow who has a unique ability to understand Dean's plight and the relationship between them is clear from the on-set.

Dean finds himself in a strange world he figures he got to by being in a dream. There are characters there that are named very cleverly. I assume the author had 'professional consultants' assist her in naming these characters (children). Very clever.

There was never a point in this story where I thought a child would not continue to be completely interested in what would happen next. All in all it is a friendly, easy to read prose that lets your imagination be your guide. There are lessons carefully woven in to the script, occurrences that a child would find themselves making a decision and rendering opinions about what to do next. I absolutely loved this story!

5 stars for this tale. It does need a wee bit of polishing as I did see a typo or two. Occasionally, Deans thoughts would be expressed in italics with " and sometimes not. (??) I also noticed a couple of missing commas preceding names in dialogue text and a few other little minor things that a good edit will easily fix. Very nice job, great story and a BIG FAT WELL DONE!

Best of luck with this.