The Road to Home: Mary's Story

I just completed the first chapter. I'll certainly read your book through to the end. Your writing is very, very skillful. It was a pleasure reading. And the story has a real hook. Where are the other three books that precede this fourth one? Have they been published? Living in Atlanta, it's almost awkward reading about the Civil War. I have such strong feelings about the horrors of slavery and I'm always so mindful of the Civil Rights era. I live near the Martin Luther King Memorial. Still, being brought back to that time is such a guilty pleasure. It's such a different life from the present that it almost feels like a different planet. All in all, I really do think this is the best written book I've read to date in Authonomy. I couldn't possibly have a comment on your writing style. Your writing is flawless. I'm having such a hard time struggling with my book, and your's reads so effortlessly. What would your book be like if it accurately depicted slavery? Could there be a book about the South and the Civil War that really covers both angles: the beauty and the gentility of plantation life and the meaness and brutality of slavery? The only book I've read that ever delved into the relationships between whites and blacks was Gone with the Wind, and it really only told one side. I've often wondered what I would be like if I had lived back then. Well, I can't wait to read more.
Sandy Arnold

This has the voice of the deep South etched well and truly into the story. Not in the least like Gone with the Wind but of the same ilk.
Your scenes are tight yet there is a 'sweeping' feeling about them which envelopes the reader and draws them into the setting. Your use of imagery and your well crafted characters bring the story to life and the book beckons me to sit in a quiet corner and just read.
Accomplished writing makes this well worth starring and a place on my shelf shortly. Margaret.

My God, I didn't expect to enjoy this as its not my usual genre but your beautifully written opening chapters grabbed my attention. So tragic that her husband is a right old arse. The relationship between Mary and Tristan is interesting to read. You make it so real, so romantic that I am going to carry on reading. 6 starred.
Asma.

What are you doing in this site? This book should already have been published. I was excited with the story, the opening was captivating, the language is just brilliant and the civil war era is a very interesting time of the American history. Also the descriptions that you give in the text tune in the reader to the 19th century.

A wonderful read, backed and 6-starred with pleasure.

You've got me hooked! I'd like the read the rest of the saga! Are they all complete? Wow! This is one of my favorite time periods. What I liked very much: The story is more of ordinary people caught up in circumstances of war. Not the usual cliche' Southern aristocracy. I found the characters to be realistic, and I liked Mary, in spite of her headstrong ways. I really was fooled by Jeb! This was well done and quite the twist! I like the other family members and friends, and assume other books tell their stories? I love a series where I get to know secondary characters and can get excited about reading their stories, ala Heather Graham, Sookie Stackhouse, and Laura Leigh, etc. I hope we see more from this author soon!

Aimee. Wow, what a lot of knowledge you must have gathered even before you started writing this. You are really talented when you introduce and describe your characters. This is not normally my bag but what a lovely flow to your writing and its that flow and the hooks within this book that will make your readers not be able to put it down and have others wanting to come back for more. Well done and good luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

This is very very different Aimee to what I would usually pick up and read. I thought I owed myself a read outside my usually comfort zone and I vry glad I did.

You write with much maturity and style, and your ability to hook the read in is uncanny. At times it is an uncomfortable read due to the nature of the subject matter, but it is superb. I shall read on

Brilliant work

Dean

LADIES NIGHT

ROUGH JUSTICE

This is an interesting Idea for a story.
The style is skillful.
The title and pitch are chosen well.
There is a bit of depth in feeling missing from your main character. The reader can't completely understand what is going on in them.
The cover is very fitting for the book.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

This is an interesting Idea for a story.
The style is skillful.
The title and pitch are chosen well.
There is a bit of depth in feeling missing from your main character. The reader can't completely understand what is going on in them.
The cover is very fitting for the book.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

I have finished the first chapter and this is a very well written piece. Your characters are strong, their voices of the period and the setting correct.
I feel for the characters, which means you have managed that elusive trait-catch the reader in the beginning...
I believe I will read on. Bear with me though my watchlist is long and my comittments for my desk are many.

I like this, starred and waiting for shelf space.

Read part of your first chapter. Love it! Just what I like to read! Thanks! I'll be back for more. I've had it on my bookshelf for several days but need to take it down. But I'll be back, K!

All my best!
Ellise ;)

Maybe you could take a look at mine too?? :) Thanks!

I've only read the prologue and chapter one. You have a nice plot forming and have worked to create the setting. You might think about incorporating your descriptions more into the actions a bit more so that it flows as part of the story rather than as a separate section. For instance when you describe her in the beginnning you say that she was the definition of southern beauty. You could instead say that her dark hair flowed in the breeze and framed the fine boned face and rosy lips that defined the true southern beauty. Only a suggestion but you could tighten up on some of the description and get a better impact. Overall I do think with a bit of tweaking it would work well in the romance market.

I think this is a set of books which will find a market. Once you have the reader engaged on the first, the rest will be essential reading for them. The narrative flows well and easily. At times, such as in ch 13, you could improve the dialogue, reduce the description of it and thus speed it up for more impact. Backed and 5 stars.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

This has a very promising opening. I'll come back to it when I can get a chance.

I came here not really interested in reading a civil war story and your story has captured my interest. I am going to put it on my bookshelf. I will return to read the rest of the chapters as this story is really good.

Thank you so much Beth for checking out my book. Also, for the backing, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am soory I have not written sooner, I am in the hospital. Thank G-d I can finally sit-up and make use of their internet, lol.
Take care!
Aimee

Although historical fiction isn't usually my preferred genre, it's clear to see that this is certainly one of the best novels on Authonomy. The author does a masterful job of transporting readers back to a terrible and desparate time in American history--the Civil War days. The plot is tight, the characters are real, the dialogue is on point, and the descriptions of settings and actions are so vivid, they're practically visible. Well done!

Thanks so much for your kind words! G-d Bless you and your writing as well.
Aimee

Although historical fiction isn't usually my preferred genre, it's clear to see that this is certainly one of the best novels on Authonomy. The author does a masterful job of transporting readers back to a terrible and desparate time in American history--the Civil War days. The plot is tight, the characters are real, the dialogue is on point, and the descriptions of settings and actions are so vivid, they're practically visible. Well done!

I came here not really interested in reading a civil war story and your story has captured my interest. I am going to put it on my bookshelf. I will return to read the rest of the chapters as this story is really good.

Mary's Story,

I have read enough of this story to back it. It is not my typical kind of read but I will admit that your writing is very engaging. If I had time I would read more and more. I wish you all the luck.
K N Gee
P.S. One note: I would work on making your character's feelings and actions more direct( they seem to run together) *i had the same problem in Queen of Shadows although I don't your is so off. I litte tweaking and you will have an amazing story.

I've read the first two chapters and will be back to read more when I have time. I love your sweeping style and your characters ring true and have a compelling quality that leaves the reader wanting to know more about them.
Shelved and starred with pleasure.
Anna (A Man Assured of Honour)

An era gone by that still stirs emotions. The story of Mary has many similarities to all stories of that time, but that doesn't make it any less poignant. Will continue reading, meanwhile, backed and ****** with pleasure.

I read your preface and first chapter.

General comments: An alluring start to what promises to be an atmospheric southern historical. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the preface:
1) Your second paragraph hooked me. Consider starting with it.
2) 'Jamis, she thought as her heart sank.' Since you have 'Jamis' in italics, you don't need 'she thought.' Therefore this sentence could be rewritten to 'Jamis (in italics). Her heart sank.' Can you see how that little change makes the writing more immediate?
3) ' ... bypassing anyone that might be finishing a day's work in the fields.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
4) "Is it true?" He asked. 'He' should be lowercase. When a dialogue tag (tells who said something) follows dialogue, the first word in the dialogue tag should be lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
5) ' ... waiting like a snake in the grass' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'Mary felt her legs weaken beneath her' could be 'Mary's legs weakened.' By showing the feeling (and eliminating 'felt'), the second way is more immediate. Also, you don't need 'beneath her' as it's implied. There are more cases where you use 'felt.' These cases can also be rewritten for more immediacy.
2) "I am sorry about your home Mary Lou." Comma after 'home.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) ' ... feeling like a thorn in between two roses' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a new way.
4) "Some of us perhaps more than others," Eva gestured toward Mary. Period after 'others.' When a normal narrative sentence follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated as a normal sentence. The only time that the last sentence of dialogue gets a comma is when the sentence following it is a dialogue tag (tells who said something).
5) "Oh, my love," he drew her close. Period after 'love' and capitalize 'he'. 'He drew her close' is a normal narrative sentence, not a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Therefore, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period and the first word of the following narrative should be capitalized.
6) 'What was out there? War, Yankee's ... Death.' Yankee's (possessive) should be Yankees (plural).
7) "What?" She and Eva both exclaimed. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She exclaimed' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag should be lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
8) 'The two-story space had 27-foot ceilings and ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
9) 'They wouldn't hand a woman would they?' 'Hand' should be 'hang.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a fine day.

Al

Fanstastic piece of writing! Great attention to detail, style and imagery. From the moment I read the first few lines, I had to stop and get a bite to eat because I knew I needed to sit back and enjoy. I really see the characters while reading the story. My family is from the south and I love Southern Civil war movies, but don't do much reading in this genre. You have changed my mind about this. HC will be picking you up soon. Keep up the good work!

Aimee you are the real deal, I have just read chapter one of 'The Road Home' and I am so impressed. I like historical fiction and you stack up with the best. Your style is natural, compelling and elegant. I cannot believe you are not in print already, and look forwad to telling my friends I read you first. I will be reading your book every day now until i have finished it.
best
Kathleen

I read two chapters and will gobble up all the rest. Mary is so-o-o southern and so young and determined. I could just feel her heart pounding when she first met Tristan. I think she'll cause havoc along the northern lines. I know I will love this--you bring the southern side of the war right to us. Best of luck. I'll read more and carve a space on my shelf for you soon.
Caroline
Summer Rose

I'm now a little less than halfway through your book. I wasn't going to comment until I finished the book, but my mind is racing and I haven't been able to sleep without getting off this comment. First of all, I'm really engaged in this book. I don't like romance novels and your book is clearly in that genre. The fact that I'm so engrossed in the book is a testament to your skill as a writer. So, I want to try and enroll you into considering crossing over to a broader market. I think you deal with some really important issues in the book that are very relevant to the times we live in now. I think we live in a time characterized by the moral ambiguity and polarization that you show in your book. We aren't confederates and yankees, but we are liberals and conservatives. We're facing a crippling recession brought on by a culture of greed and short-sightedness - a slavery of sorts. We've made a religion of making moneyThe explanation that Tom gives for how some people could join the confederacy when they didn't own slaves is almost dead-on for what the tea partier's believe. It's the amazing ties that you bring in the book to the present that cause me to endure for one more time Mary's dainty little blushes. What you've shown me is that it is not that so many people in Georgia, Alabama and Northern Florida are stuck in the past - it's that we've never really dealt with our past and that is why we are doomed to repeating it. You don't have to take my advice. Your book is well written and very marketable. I'm sure you'll get it published. But wouldn't it be extraordinary if you could take the Civil War and show us ourselves today? Although my family is from the South - of sorts, Kentucky - I have always loved and never understood them. Through your book, I am seeing them much more clearly.
Sandy Arnold

The story really gets better as the book progesses, although it's not as carefully written. I'll put in on my bookshelf now, but will continue reading it until chapter 16. You need to put the same care into the subsequent chapters as you did in chapter 1.
Sandy Arnold

Just finished reading the first chapter. Very well written and the imagery is perfectly set up so that I could picture everything going on.

Even though I find myself annoyed at the old customs concerning women, these women in your book have strength, and I'm looking forward to hopefully reading further into your work.

I was a little taken aback with the amount of information that you give in your pitch, it took away some of the possible suspence when you reveal that Tristan's death was only staged--but on the other hand, it gives the story depth even before the first sentence of chapter one is read.

Mary certainly has strength and I hope she turns out to be more heroine-like then naive! :^)

Hannah

Thanks for the comment and the backing. I too am annoyed by the stereotype of woman during that time. Like myself, Mary comes from a long line of strong women. She is the more naive of the two Bryant sisters and perhaps a bit head strong. This does get her into trouble but the story is about her growing and learning during her adventure. But she does get into some trouble because she is naive. I think that you will admire her strength as she overcomes the obstacles she faces...I hope you decide to read on :)
You will not be disappointed if you do. I know you think that I reveal too much in the pitch, but I assure you that is not even a quarter of the story. Please, take the journey with her and beware of the sudden twist it takes towards the end. Other readers have thought they had it all figured out but admit that they were pleasantly surprised. I have been told, this twist has not been done...I have not seen it either. I hope you like it!

Thanks so much again,

Aimee

Just finished reading the first chapter. Very well written and the imagery is perfectly set up so that I could picture everything going on.

Even though I find myself annoyed at the old customs concerning women, these women in your book have strength, and I'm looking forward to hopefully reading further into your work.

I was a little taken aback with the amount of information that you give in your pitch, it took away some of the possible suspence when you reveal that Tristan's death was only staged--but on the other hand, it gives the story depth even before the first sentence of chapter one is read.

Mary certainly has strength and I hope she turns out to be more heroine-like then naive! :^)

Hannah

What a wonderful read, I really enjoyed The Road to Home. Can't wait to read the others.
ragsdale

I just completed the first chapter. I'll certainly read your book through to the end. Your writing is very, very skillful. It was a pleasure reading. And the story has a real hook. Where are the other three books that precede this fourth one? Have they been published? Living in Atlanta, it's almost awkward reading about the Civil War. I have such strong feelings about the horrors of slavery and I'm always so mindful of the Civil Rights era. I live near the Martin Luther King Memorial. Still, being brought back to that time is such a guilty pleasure. It's such a different life from the present that it almost feels like a different planet. All in all, I really do think this is the best written book I've read to date in Authonomy. I couldn't possibly have a comment on your writing style. Your writing is flawless. I'm having such a hard time struggling with my book, and your's reads so effortlessly. What would your book be like if it accurately depicted slavery? Could there be a book about the South and the Civil War that really covers both angles: the beauty and the gentility of plantation life and the meaness and brutality of slavery? The only book I've read that ever delved into the relationships between whites and blacks was Gone with the Wind, and it really only told one side. I've often wondered what I would be like if I had lived back then. Well, I can't wait to read more.
Sandy Arnold

Thank you so very much for your kind comments. The preceding books are all finished but are in final editing stages. The fourth was my favorite MC, Mary Lou. She is a favorite of mine throught. Each one of the books use a different Bryant sibling as the MC and it gives their point-of-view in a different year of the war. The first and second books deal the most with the slavery issue and it gives multiple true opinions. The county this is based in was, I think, the only in Georgia to vote against secession from the Union. The town of Ellenton is where my real family is from. The Week's, Bryants and Bakers are all my kin and I use their true names except for the Main Characters. I researched all the facts using various history's of Colquitt County and Ellenton. They valued two things there, education of all social classes together and loyalty to one's state. Like I said, the first book especially touch's on that. The Bryants come from modest means and they do not own slaves, but they are friends with the two plantation holders in the county and of course they do. It also gives the perspective of some freed slave and slave secondary characters. Mary's story has a interesting twist at the end that no one has seen coming from a mile away. I hope you get that far and are pleased. Thank you for you support!
Aimee

I just completed the first chapter. I'll certainly read your book through to the end. Your writing is very, very skillful. It was a pleasure reading. And the story has a real hook. Where are the other three books that precede this fourth one? Have they been published? Living in Atlanta, it's almost awkward reading about the Civil War. I have such strong feelings about the horrors of slavery and I'm always so mindful of the Civil Rights era. I live near the Martin Luther King Memorial. Still, being brought back to that time is such a guilty pleasure. It's such a different life from the present that it almost feels like a different planet. All in all, I really do think this is the best written book I've read to date in Authonomy. I couldn't possibly have a comment on your writing style. Your writing is flawless. I'm having such a hard time struggling with my book, and your's reads so effortlessly. What would your book be like if it accurately depicted slavery? Could there be a book about the South and the Civil War that really covers both angles: the beauty and the gentility of plantation life and the meaness and brutality of slavery? The only book I've read that ever delved into the relationships between whites and blacks was Gone with the Wind, and it really only told one side. I've often wondered what I would be like if I had lived back then. Well, I can't wait to read more.
Sandy Arnold

Your book is beautifully written and so descriptive I feel as if I am there also. I would definitely buy this book.

Anna M. Martinez

Thanks so much! You made my weekend too!

Your book is beautifully written and so descriptive I feel as if I am there also. I would definitely buy this book.

Anna M. Martinez

This has the voice of the deep South etched well and truly into the story. Not in the least like Gone with the Wind but of the same ilk.
Your scenes are tight yet there is a 'sweeping' feeling about them which envelopes the reader and draws them into the setting. Your use of imagery and your well crafted characters bring the story to life and the book beckons me to sit in a quiet corner and just read.
Accomplished writing makes this well worth starring and a place on my shelf shortly. Margaret.

Ms. Margaret,
I thank you dearly for your kind words about my book. Getting a compliment on your story can almost be like receiving a compliment on your child. From the bottom of my heart, many thanks, and I will be reading your story by tomorrow.
Aimee

This has the voice of the deep South etched well and truly into the story. Not in the least like Gone with the Wind but of the same ilk.
Your scenes are tight yet there is a 'sweeping' feeling about them which envelopes the reader and draws them into the setting. Your use of imagery and your well crafted characters bring the story to life and the book beckons me to sit in a quiet corner and just read.
Accomplished writing makes this well worth starring and a place on my shelf shortly. Margaret.

I'm not a fan of historicals, but I like your characters and have enjoyed reading how they handle the very challenging situations they face.

Hi Aimee,

you are passionate about the history that sets up this book with good pacing & a strong sense of visuals. My only real observation is in Chpt 2 the sentence where she pulls the ragged coat about her shivering shoulders doesn't sit right - possibly start, 'shivering, she drew the coat about her, it's colour and warmth giving her some comfort..'

backed & rated,

Rob

Hi Aimee,

I read the prologue and first two chapters. Romantic historical fiction is not something I usually read, or am used to reading - so I am a little unfamiliar with the conventions in play. For the most part I see it as soundly written. You definitely can write well. The dialogue was excellent and I imagine characteristic of the time.

Like Marj, I found the prologue a little confusing and really saw no need for it. I understand the purpose is to inject some action in the beginning to hook a reader, but I don't think it is necessary.

There is a lot of explaining re who everyone is in relation to everyone else and I had to pay attention. I wondered about Jenny & who she was not mentioned as coming under the care of the woman Mary and Tad live with, yet she lives there.

The level of authorial storytelling and description (the mansion) is not to my taste, but as I said this may be within the conventions of the genre. There are a few typos in the 2nd chapter (a their for a there), but nothing worth worrying about unduely. The level of `telling' decreases naturally as we get into the story and rely more on Mary's viewpoint and activity. The encounter with Piggott - the end of the skirmish, or the skirmish itself seemed dealt with in an offhand way at the end. It `seemed' . `The skirmish had ended and it seemed they had won.' - given no one wins in war, I still though it deserved more attention.

All that said, and I haven't really read a great deal of the book, I think it is competently done and has a story and characters to make it worthwhile for readers.

Thanks Aimee

I'll put your book on my shelf.

Hi Aimee, I love this story, full of romance and intrigue and I'm very happy to back. The American Civil War is a fascinating part of history and I enjoy reading about it, you've certainly evoked the atmosphere. The only thing I would say, for what it's worth, is watch the dialogue tags, use them sparingly. I've only read the first few chapters but will be back for more, in the meantime high starred and you'll be on my shelf within the next few days when I've had a clear-out. Best of luck
Vall (Midwyf)

Love this story. Will be looking for more from this author.

Aimee, there is little to criticise in your story. Once you really started, I became totally absorbed. You have the gift of making your reader see the picture that you see. That is an excellent quality in a writer.
I will criticise your pitch. There is too much in it, so that it begins to seem too involved. There is no need to outline everything that is to happen. I suggest you pare it down, which will make it appear more inviting. Beautiful book-cover, incidentally.
A minor point, 'okay' is quite a recent invention, and seems out of place for the period. There are also quite a lot of minor errors and typos, showing the need for more editing.
The preface: The events in the preface are dated two years after the time when the events of the novel begin. It seems all wrong to me. If you have to have anything at the start, it could be better to give a brief outline of the events in the first three novels of your series, maybe in italics, to differentiate it from your story.
The criticisms are, of course, only one person's opinion, so ignore them if your choose. Don't ignore this opinion - that I think you do have an excellent story here, well written and absorbing.
To be backed, Marj.

Thanks again for your wonderful, in depth, comments. As for the Preface, yes, it does begin 2 years in the future. It is taking a view point of a heavy scene that happens later on in the book. It is a matter of style, used to draw the reader into Mary's mind and make you wonder, how she got in the horrible predicament. There are many writers who use this, i.e. Heather Graham. I do have throw backs to the other books, but each one of these stories are meant to stand on there own as well. I want someone to be able to pick up any of the books and not need to have read the others to understand what is happenning. I give you enough throwbacks throughout the book and enough of other characters in order to "wet" your appetite in wonderment about them and their own story. But it isn't enough to distract the reader from the focus of the story they are reading at the moment.
Thanks so much for your opinion, I appreciate your generous time.
Aimee

I'm a lover of historical fiction and I really love this. The story pulled me in right away, the descriptions are vivid and uncluttered, the characters well developed, and the plot promises to intrigue the reader. Highly rated and backed. Best of luck with this.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Aimee, there is little to criticise in your story. Once you really started, I became totally absorbed. You have the gift of making your reader see the picture that you see. That is an excellent quality in a writer.
I will criticise your pitch. There is too much in it, so that it begins to seem too involved. There is no need to outline everything that is to happen. I suggest you pare it down, which will make it appear more inviting. Beautiful book-cover, incidentally.
A minor point, 'okay' is quite a recent invention, and seems out of place for the period. There are also quite a lot of minor errors and typos, showing the need for more editing.
The preface: The events in the preface are dated two years after the time when the events of the novel begin. It seems all wrong to me. If you have to have anything at the start, it could be better to give a brief outline of the events in the first three novels of your series, maybe in italics, to differentiate it from your story.
The criticisms are, of course, only one person's opinion, so ignore them if your choose. Don't ignore this opinion - that I think you do have an excellent story here, well written and absorbing.
To be backed, Marj.

Hi Aimee-

While historical fiction is very far away from the genre I write in, I found this more enjoyable than I anticipated. That is most likely due to the strong characters - you've done a great job with development, right from the start. Mary Lou is instantly likeable, as are Tristan, Mrs. Lawrence, Tad, and all of the other secondary characters. (I haven't met Jeb or Jamis yet, other than the prologue, but I'm guessing I won't find them quite as likeable! :)

Okay, on to my notes... Again, HF is not my strength, so I won't tinker with the voice or structure. But I did find some typos and nits along the way - hopefully these notes will help you as you polish!

First - the pitch:
Short pitch - I'd spell out "4th" (Fourth) as you've got a numeral starting the sentence.
Long pitch - I'd spell out "17" (seventeen), but that's a style thing, so your choice entirely. I always live by the rule spell it out unless there is a hyphen needed, as I think numerals jar the reader's eye. Your call there. You need a space after the sentence that ends with "Sergeant" (the next sentence begins with "Jeb takes her..." The word "in-trusted" should be entrusted. And finally, I'd suggest you section the long pitch into multiple paragraphs - you'll find it is much easier on the eyes than one long paragraph.

Preface:
Paragraph 2 - "gun powder" should be one word (gunpowder)
P3 - "friends" needs an apostrophe (friend's) as it is the possessive form.
P15 - "Waiting" needs a lower case, as it is not starting a new sentence after the semicolon. While I'm mentioning semis... You tend to use them a lot throughout your work. I've not found an instance where they are used wrong, but to my eye, they look clunky and slow my eye down. Often times you'll find a period and new sentence works just as well. Food for thought - another style choice - and take with a grain of salt I'm used to writing short, choppy sentences for YA fiction.

Chapter One
P2 - "shinned" should be shined / you don't need the comma after "dark mane" / "full-rose colored" has the hyphen in the wrong place (full, rose-colored)
P3 - I noticed here (and many other places throughout - see P 5, 7, 8) a spacing issue at the beginning of the paragraph. Could just be a formatting/uploading issue here, but I wanted to point it out. Also, you don't need the comma after "road" in the first sentence / "years" in the last sentence needs an apostrophe (year's) as it is the possessive form.
P13 - Too many spaces between the first sentence and the second.
P17 - "We Bryant's" does not need the apostrophe, as it is the plural form (not possessive)
P19 - "lady's" should be ladies (plural, not possessive)
P23 - "We'll show then Yankees..." should be "them Yankees"
P40 - "heart beat" should be one word (heartbeat)
P56 - "minds" needs an apostrophe (mind's) as it is the possessive form
P58 - need a period after "thumb"
P68 - "that may seem I big difference" - I think you mean "a big difference"
P82 - Too many spaces between "awful place? No, she couldn't..."
P87 - "re-built" does not need the hyphen (rebuilt)
P88 - need another hyphen in "ten year-old" (ten-year-old)
P95 - I don't think "Southern" needs the capital in this instance
P106 - "Jenny, its Mary..." - need an apostrophe in it's (conjunction of it / is)
P110 - "mama" needs a cap (Mama) as you're using the term as a proper name
P115 - "three story" needs a hyphen (three-story mansion)
P117 - "out done" should be one word (outdone)
P118 - "Bryant's" does not need the apostrophe (Bryants) as it is the plural form, not possessive
P120 - "heavy set" needs a hyphen (heavy-set)
P136 - "Gracious" does not need a capital

Okay, that's all I caught in my notes as I read. I hope you find this helpful. Really and truly, I did enjoy the story so far - love the idea of Mary Lou running off, disguised as a soldier, to rescue her love. Only to be captured and tricked by another... Good job, and best of luck with this!

Kim

Oh my! You really are amazing. Thank you so much for looking so closely at this. That is exactly what I needed. I am making those changes ASAP. God Bless you!
Aimee

Hi Aimee-

While historical fiction is very far away from the genre I write in, I found this more enjoyable than I anticipated. That is most likely due to the strong characters - you've done a great job with development, right from the start. Mary Lou is instantly likeable, as are Tristan, Mrs. Lawrence, Tad, and all of the other secondary characters. (I haven't met Jeb or Jamis yet, other than the prologue, but I'm guessing I won't find them quite as likeable! :)

Okay, on to my notes... Again, HF is not my strength, so I won't tinker with the voice or structure. But I did find some typos and nits along the way - hopefully these notes will help you as you polish!

First - the pitch:
Short pitch - I'd spell out "4th" (Fourth) as you've got a numeral starting the sentence.
Long pitch - I'd spell out "17" (seventeen), but that's a style thing, so your choice entirely. I always live by the rule spell it out unless there is a hyphen needed, as I think numerals jar the reader's eye. Your call there. You need a space after the sentence that ends with "Sergeant" (the next sentence begins with "Jeb takes her..." The word "in-trusted" should be entrusted. And finally, I'd suggest you section the long pitch into multiple paragraphs - you'll find it is much easier on the eyes than one long paragraph.

Preface:
Paragraph 2 - "gun powder" should be one word (gunpowder)
P3 - "friends" needs an apostrophe (friend's) as it is the possessive form.
P15 - "Waiting" needs a lower case, as it is not starting a new sentence after the semicolon. While I'm mentioning semis... You tend to use them a lot throughout your work. I've not found an instance where they are used wrong, but to my eye, they look clunky and slow my eye down. Often times you'll find a period and new sentence works just as well. Food for thought - another style choice - and take with a grain of salt I'm used to writing short, choppy sentences for YA fiction.

Chapter One
P2 - "shinned" should be shined / you don't need the comma after "dark mane" / "full-rose colored" has the hyphen in the wrong place (full, rose-colored)
P3 - I noticed here (and many other places throughout - see P 5, 7, 8) a spacing issue at the beginning of the paragraph. Could just be a formatting/uploading issue here, but I wanted to point it out. Also, you don't need the comma after "road" in the first sentence / "years" in the last sentence needs an apostrophe (year's) as it is the possessive form.
P13 - Too many spaces between the first sentence and the second.
P17 - "We Bryant's" does not need the apostrophe, as it is the plural form (not possessive)
P19 - "lady's" should be ladies (plural, not possessive)
P23 - "We'll show then Yankees..." should be "them Yankees"
P40 - "heart beat" should be one word (heartbeat)
P56 - "minds" needs an apostrophe (mind's) as it is the possessive form
P58 - need a period after "thumb"
P68 - "that may seem I big difference" - I think you mean "a big difference"
P82 - Too many spaces between "awful place? No, she couldn't..."
P87 - "re-built" does not need the hyphen (rebuilt)
P88 - need another hyphen in "ten year-old" (ten-year-old)
P95 - I don't think "Southern" needs the capital in this instance
P106 - "Jenny, its Mary..." - need an apostrophe in it's (conjunction of it / is)
P110 - "mama" needs a cap (Mama) as you're using the term as a proper name
P115 - "three story" needs a hyphen (three-story mansion)
P117 - "out done" should be one word (outdone)
P118 - "Bryant's" does not need the apostrophe (Bryants) as it is the plural form, not possessive
P120 - "heavy set" needs a hyphen (heavy-set)
P136 - "Gracious" does not need a capital

Okay, that's all I caught in my notes as I read. I hope you find this helpful. Really and truly, I did enjoy the story so far - love the idea of Mary Lou running off, disguised as a soldier, to rescue her love. Only to be captured and tricked by another... Good job, and best of luck with this!

Kim

I really enjoyed your first chapter, and reiterate many of the comments you have already received. This is well written and hooks the reader from the first couple of paragraphs.
I will star rate with six stars and watchlist for now. Hopefully I can get back to read more.Cheers Jacoba

Oh wow! Thanks so much! If you do continue, and I hope you do, please let me know what you think as you go on. I appreciate it very much!

I really enjoyed your first chapter, and reiterate many of the comments you have already received. This is well written and hooks the reader from the first couple of paragraphs.
I will star rate with six stars and watchlist for now. Hopefully I can get back to read more.Cheers Jacoba

This is a compelling tail set in the mystique of the old south. I am all in!

This is great writing. A brilliant combination of setting and intriguing characters. The dialogue is realistic and the pacing smooth. I see so few books that try to cross the line between romance and history, but looking at this makes me wonder why not. Perfect handling of a not-so-easy genre. I'll have to read deeper. Let the stars rain.
Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

My God, I didn't expect to enjoy this as its not my usual genre but your beautifully written opening chapters grabbed my attention. So tragic that her husband is a right old arse. The relationship between Mary and Tristan is interesting to read. You make it so real, so romantic that I am going to carry on reading. 6 starred.
Asma.

Oh wow, thank you so much. And I am so glad you will continue reading. Please feel free to comment good or bad...is it all right if I friend you? I will continue on yours as well.

My God, I didn't expect to enjoy this as its not my usual genre but your beautifully written opening chapters grabbed my attention. So tragic that her husband is a right old arse. The relationship between Mary and Tristan is interesting to read. You make it so real, so romantic that I am going to carry on reading. 6 starred.
Asma.

My God, I didn't expect to enjoy this as its not my usual genre but your beautifully written opening chapters grabbed my attention. So tragic that her husband is a right old arse. The relationship between Mary and Tristan is interesting to read. You make it so real, so romantic that I am going to carry on reading. 6 starred.
Asma.

A lovely book and right up my street. I've always been interested in this period and I was hooked from the very first chapter. Backed and starred
Florence

Granny Way, thanks so much for your kind words, backing and stars. I'm like you, this is my favorite period including the antebellum age. The Reconstruction is interesting too. I have done lots of research and traveled all over the country to almost all of the battle fields. The town, Ellenton, in this book is an actual town and most of the characters(aside from the main ones) were actual people that lived there back then. One of my family surnames is Bryant and another from that area is Weeks. The Week's are mentioned a lot in my saga and they are my fictional families neighbors.