The Boy from Earth

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

Your writing is quite good. As the Koreans say, 'You've worked hard'.
A couple of suggestions, which you are perfectly free to ignore.
1. Ditch the table of contents. It's not needed for fiction and will be eliminated by your editor at some point.
2. Think about how to put more action into your subtext. i.e.; The corners of Jack's lips lifted as lightning flashed across his window. Palm branches slapped the rattling panes as a howling wind shook the tree outside his bedroom. A half-filled suitcase rested on his bed, the coverlet tucked with military precision as required by Tom, top-boy at the Saint Pugnacious academy for young gentlemen.

Draw a picture with words. The more eloquent your words, the more vivid the picture will be. Fill the reader in without 'telling' the story. Allow a gentle unfolding.

Also - If a scene feels 'forced', step back and consider alternatives. Placing another character in the scene as a 'foil' for dialog will allow you to inform the reader without narration. The balance between dialog and subtext is subjective, so do what feels right for you, but keep in mind that too much subtext will slow the pace of the book.

Also - walk your prose line-by-line to see what is relevant and what is not relevant to the story. i.e.: "Morning Dad," he greeted his father who fixed a weather machine sticking out of their roof." The roof and the weather machine are a 'red herring' that doesn't really serve the reader. Better I think: "Morning Dad. Yes, that's the last of my luggage."

Good luck

this book reminds me of John Carter I liked that so I'll definitely be giving this a read

This story doesn't hang about, ripping along at a cracking pace but still giving the reader a sense of time and place and drawing colorful and intriguing characters. Great descriptions of the new and old world and looks to be a great adventure in the making.
Best of luck with this, I hope it does well
cheers
Louise
Cherished Castaway

I haven't read much YA, so this reminded me vaguely of A Wrinkle in Time in its feel. I did wonder whether the first three paragraphs were needed, as they are purely expository and it might be better to simply start with the actual story and work some of those details into it. Here are a few minor things I noticed as I was reading:

...who occupied every available space... -- the 'occupied' refers to the books while having the feel of applying to his mother, so I'd change occupied to 'filled'.

...got out of his bedroom with a sweat... -- I don't know your nationality, so this may just be a variance of language use, but from my American standpoint, this sentence was jarring.

...pushing a large luggage... -- this is odd to me as well. I've always seen it as 'pushing a large piece of luggage', as I think the term luggage may be plural.

'Up here, son' -- 'son' should be capitalized when used as a title like this, and indeed you do capitalize similar useage later on, such as two paragraphs after this one.

...air-defying ability... -- this jarred me, since it is gravity defying rather than air defying.

incase -- 'in case'

They were all precisely five feet from each other that... -- feels like something is missing, for example, 'They were all precisely five feet from each other, such that (or 'so that')...

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Lyle, I did come back! I was able to read the next chapter before getting ready for work. Curse you, man. I have about a dozen promised reads and two books I'm in the middle of with two more i'm hoping to get to (not mentioning my own book I need to edit and a second one i need to finish) but you made me want to read this....and in my humble opinion that, my friend, is the mark of a good story. I hope to see you rise quickly in the ranks and must find room for you on my WL for now. I tend to put books on my shelf and leave them until they make ED or leave. I'm not one of those shuffle them around kind of gals. Take care.
Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

Hi Lyle...Hope this finds you well. I don't usually like fantasy type literature (oh well, Harry Potter nothwithstanding, but i read those for my kids and got hooked), but this was so well written and likeable I found myself getting drawn in. Chapter one had trouble loading...don't know if that happens to everyone, or is there's really nothing there...I read chapter two as numbered (but it said it was chapter one). I wish I had time this evening to read more, but it's almost 11 here (USA) so I'll try to return tomorrow. Very interesting premise and liking it very much, in spite of myself! Thanks again for your backing of my book. I'll be back!
All the best, Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

It’s quite rare to run across something special AND original in the fantasy genre, but The Boy from Earth fits that bill. Told from the point of view of a young boy who falls into a fairy tale, there is a wonderful dichotomy between his normal, mundane life and the fantastic, beautiful place he finds himself. In that respect, it has a bit of a The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe type of feel. But the world of Zajitar is more than just fantasy. There is a war going on between the fantasy-type creatures and the science-equipped Therador Empire. This mix of sci-fi and fantasy should appeal to readers of both genres.

Author L.B. Ven has crafted quite a story to go along with his fantastic setting. Every character seems real, even when they are obviously story-book fare. The dialog is perfect and does a great job of moving the tale forward.

I read all that was available here so far and think that if The Boy from Earth continues the way it has been going, that it should have a bright future ahead of it, crossing genres and attracting a large readership. At its heart it’s a good story, well-told. Everything else is just icing on this delicious cake.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

A fun tale! Having it start on Jack's 11th birthday is a bit Harry Potter like, but the story itself isn't.

There's some fun and sometimes funny lines in the first chapter, e.g., "In fact, he spent many a night in the dark with the closet door opened and inviting any monster to dare frighten him." I loved that. Also a book on THE HISTORY OF SHEPHARD'S PIE? LOL!

There was a typo in Chapter one: "I though a demon lives here" Think you meant thought.

I read through chapter six. The story is good, though it unfolds perhaps a little too leisurely. Remember, you want to hook your reader quickly, especially with a children's book.

Some of the names used in your alternative world are tongue twisters. I think it was in Chapter 6 that this particularly caught my eye. I did the same thing in my first book and had people comment on them. You want the names to be magical and exotic, but you don't want them to be hard to say or too foreign.

A lovely tale though, and I'm keeping it on my watch list to see how you do.

Best, and congratulations on a fun read!

Mark
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40009/hell-s-super/

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

Dear Lyle:

Charming fantasy novel. A cross between C.S. Lewis and Roald Dahl. I adored the Narnia Series as a young girl and this is written just as well. I am shelving and starring. Good Luck!

Simone Marie
My Rhapsody

Lyle,
Very strange and delightful book. The story seems a bit higgelty-piggelty, going forward at tangents rather than a straight line. Felt the first chapter was a lot more polished than chapter two. Given you high stars and shelf space.
Short and long pitches are both excellent. Very sympathetic character in Jack, his parents seem so strange and he seems lonely and unhappy. Not sure how young people will react, he seems a bit woebegone for the hero - but then you point out he is the villain. Will try to get back for more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Hi L.B.
I am here for a return read. Your story is fun and imaginative -- a journey that at first grounds the reader in everyday reality and then slowly and cleverly transports him/her into a world of fantasy (e.g., the glowing book, the whistling turning into winds, and finally the transportation into the magical world). I also commend you on the the bits of history you were able to integrate through the natural-sounding dialogue of your young characters.
A few suggestions, all pertaining to Chapter 1 (autho Ch. 2), though I did read some of Chapter 2 (autho Ch. 3):

Where you say, "were only confined in books" -- I think I know what you are driving at, but even so "were confined to books" sounds more natural.
"though Jack was the least bit surprised" sounds odd. Usually this construction pertains to the negative and employs "wasn't." So if you do mean to say that Jack was indeed surprised, then I suggest you recast the sentence. Otherwise, say "though Jack wasn't the least bit surprised."
Where you say "he said in a pant," I think "with a pant" works better.
Is Pedro Jack's cousin. If so, you might wants to work in a quick, short and seamless line explaining HOW they are cousins straight away. It threw me that Jack seems like this pale-faced English boy living in the Phillipines while Pedro is this older, browner-skinned, Spanish-blooded lad, and as a reader the relationship didn't compute without a bit of explanation. Just my opinion, though.
I think this story is the right formula for today's market, and your pitch is compelling, so all the best in your efforts to sell it. Highly starred, Dean Lombardo, "Space Games"

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

Lyle, What a superbly written story for an oldie! Breezy,"chucklesome", fast-moving, going like a train through briskly moving scenes. I like Jack as MC, too. He's a real character, with ideal parents for such a story.
You get my vote: next available place on my Shelf and top stars,
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

Dear Lyle,
This is indeed an enchanted tale for any age. It is magical and funny, and i enjoyed the first two chapters.
Some of the punctuation raised an eyebrow, but then again, it may be just me.
"You donated those to the orphanage last week, remember!"
"How do i get home!"
Of course these two sentences may be meant as statements rather than questions, in which case all is well.
A marvelously descriptive story with very interesting characters. Looking forward to reading more and wish i had more spaces on my shelf.
Highly rated and will keep in it line to be shelved.
Favourite sentence: "She gave the oven a swift kick, and it yelled back at her in Japanese."
Cheers!
Maria
The Path to Survival

CHIRG Review:

The Boy from Earth.
Chapter 1 - An intriguing title. Your first paragraph is super - loved the 'seventh being on purpose', made me laugh. I also liked things can change 'because of a book.' I think many adult readers would agree with this and it's encouraging to belief children will too.
Meters - Not sure if you are American, but would think so. I'm English and we spell it 'metre/s'.
'With his eyes affixed' doesn't read well - possibly - with his eyes fixed.
'they blankly stared' - this sounds awkward - perhaps - they stared blankly.
Breakfast sounds awful - children will love this.
Nippy reply from Jack - 'I think a fourth language at my age borders on child abuse.' Good way to let the reader know Jack is a very clever child, without labouring the point.
'Jack heeded' - sounds old-fashioned.
A nice bit of mystery regarding the book, where it's come from and who previously owned it.
The ideas various individuals have about Marble-Henge were very good and worked well, adding to its mystery.
This chapter is quite long for young children. Perhaps consider making one chapter into two - a good place to do this is when Jack sets off to see Marble-Henge with his cousin Pedro.

Chapter 2: Some lovely ideas here. A forest of giant mushrooms, a house shaped like a three-tiered cake (possibly a mini ziggaurat) and the upside-down island drifting in the sky.
Sayal and Tevarya - completely opposite personalities, came across well, through I think it might be an idea to introduce their names early than you have as the orange-haired woman and the brown-haired woman, got rather repetitive.
Another lovely idea, the sisters arguing grow younger!
Overall: As mentioned above there are some really lovely ideas in the story, though some of the language is a little stilted and some words eg: comprised, desolate, terrain - might be difficult for your targeted audience. Lots of mystery going on and a strange world children can explore with Jack. A nice read.
The above is just my opinion, nothing more and nothing less, and is intended to help. I hope it of some value to you, but if not...well ignore it.
Starred.

Nanty - Chrys!

Okay I have to day your opener is very eye catching. Readers like myself love stories that have to do with books tons of books like the family has. Great hook there.
Also I like the idea for your story it is new and creative.
Your MC has a lot of special characteristics to him.
Your title is chosen well as is the cover.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

Kyle, I enjoyed this. The transition from one world to another is difficult to pull off, but you've achieved it convincingly.
Well done.
Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

This is terrific! Really great I think. I loved the opening paragraphs, the description - so brief but so visual, and those little bits added on that just made me laugh - 'The seventh being on purpose.' etc.
So instantly readable and immersive and perfectly pitched for your audience.

'though Jack was the least bit surprised on his air defying ability.' - was not? and 'of' his air defying.... about?

I won't waffle on. I shall be carrying on reading, so if I come up with anything obvious or shocking or whatever, I'll mention it again. Meantime have big stars and a reserved shelf space as soon as my backlog is done. :)

Thank you so much for the detailed critique! Will defnitely incorporate your constructive comments. Rgarding Chapter 2, I actually had several revisions as some thought the pace was too slow (due to a lack of dialogue) so that's why I hurried up with the expositions. But you made a great observation and I will try to find a way to maintain the 'momentum'.

Thanks again!

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

You have a really nice voice.

Only read the first chapter so far, but it's going on my shelf and I swear I'll come back for the rest of it soon!

Great pitch - hooked me in. Some sentences feel stilted but on the whole the first 2 chapters worked very well, gave me something of Jack's personality and homelife (and soon to be future in America) before everything changes. I haven't read any further yet, but for now I'm going to shelve this.

Wonderful story wonderfully told. So many things to love; places in the sky- strange walking trees, and magical people.
really hope you get this published, as I want to know the rest...

Cas Meadowfield
The Wind Maker

A well told tale! You launch quickly in an exotic setting, and keep us on the hook.
Thanks!
Tod Schneider
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

Thanks for the crit and the backing! And you're right, Kristie, Chapter 2 does slow down the pace, which is why I made it as short as possible (only 6 pages). Chapter 3 has a lot more dialogue and exposition about the war, and also contains the catalyst for the MC to take matters into his own hands. But I will try and incorporate the war storyline sooner, definitely in Chapter 2.

Thanks again!!!

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

The dialogue in this book must be the best in authonomy. I love this story. I love the premise, the history, the magic.
You just need to be on my shelve.
Star rated and watchlisted .
Josphine

Hi, just come across your book. What a great idea, children will love this escapism. On my watch list and highly starred.

A very interesting story so far. I like the fact that Jack gets transported away from his world to a new one. I'm glad that it is all moving very fast-keeps the reader interested. Good luck

Lyle,

You have a superb pitch, it drew my attention and gained my interest in reading your story. I really like the idea. The first couple of paragraphs form a captivating introduction. They're very nicely written and have a smooth fluidity to them. I like the way you contrast folklore with Jack's ordinary upbringing. The imagery of the dead scholars peering down is excellent, reminds me of Harry Potter.

I love the gravity boots (not an original idea as such, but always lots of fun). There's good dialogue here, interspersed with good expression. "No, that was Cyborg," great line! The Japanese oven is awesome, I want one! I think it's important for any fantasy novel to have a plentiful supply of unique ideas. Especially ideas which come together well and put a smile on your face.

I think the transition between Jack and Pedro being at Marblehenge . . . And then Jack opening his eyes to a different place/world, is perfectly done . . . Because Jack's eyes are still closed when this event happens, you've maintained a wonderful sense of mystery. There's enough description to make the story interesting, but not so much it gets bogged down or loses pace.

Lyle, I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is highly readable/polished writing. I'd be happy to read more and give it my support/backing. Highly starred!

Good luck,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

A good start! Think it fits the YA genre perfectly! The settings are really good and you get to the point quickly. It's kind of a mixture of genres, YA/ Adventure and Mystery (a good thing as it keeps the reader turning pages) Highly starred and backed! :-)

I haven't read childrens' stories in a long time, but this reads just like one I would have loved as a child. I love the mysterious book hidden behind all the others in the case. The one area for improvement that I can see is some misuses of the 'to be' form. For example in paragraph one the 'and was surrounded by' needs to be 'were surrounded by'. In paragraph two ',,,the scary noises coming from Jack's attic was a clunky weather-machine' the 'was' is wrong. It might be better as '...were caused by a clunky weather-machine.' Nicely done, and I wish you success in finding a publisher

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

This looks like good fun for middle readers. I like the exotic locale.
Best of luck with this!

I loved the exotic setting and names in this. The writing is very good with appropriate vocabulary for the age group on the whole. The totally non-spiritual, non-fantasy parent idea works really well. A great tale for older children. Wonderful characters, Jack comes over really well. Candy.

Hi LB

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

You have a fabulous story here! And a strong Main Character in Jack.

Your long pitch is well written and interesting, but I think your short pitch needs some clarity. It also needs to be punchy, as it is the first thing someone sees before reading the book.

From the 3rd pgh on, your story sails through.
The 4th pgh is even better, and from there it goes on really well. It is pacey, and things are happening all the time, which keeps the reader interested. This is especially important for children.

I really like your characters too. From the first one you introduce, the cook Flor, even though she says nothing, it shows her character and personality. She is busy. And when she needs to speak she does. I like Pedro too. You description of the mother is amusing and unexpected. But it shows her as a real person.

The dialogue in general is good and brings out the personalities well.

You have some lovely scenery included, without over-description, which is really effective. It paints a good picture and helps the reader to visualise the setting well. This is one where it just doesn't describe, but actually shows the reader what is happening - " But Jack was too distracted playing around the Marblehenge twirling from pillar to pillar as the breeze intensified." Brilliant!

I must say that your ending of Chapter 1 is really very effective. A wonderful hook! How can anyone not turn the page? For a child, it is just brilliant.

On the other hand,what doesn't work so well for me are these things, and in my opinion are fairly easy to change, but important, as they come right at the beginning of your book.

1. As I said, the short pitch needs some clarity. Here is an idea which you could use if you like:

Jack Dison has always been disappointed with life. Then he came across fantasy, and stumbled upon a world where Earth is a complete fairytale.

2. The first line of the book needs to be something that grabs the reader's interest. Bearing in mind your reader is a child.
My suggestion is:-

Jack Disors's family was anything but magical.

2. First line of pgh 2. My suggestion is :-

Inside the house was every kind of book, except fairytales.

Paragraph 1 and 2 needs some general shaping up , and some well flowing sentences that introduces the reader to your true style. At the moment it doesn't. But it is good that you introduce the reader to the place - the Philippines. The second pgh, is about the library, which is also good.

Please remember that these are my thoughts just as a reader. And I am just one person. Feel free to ignore it, but if I can help in any other way, let me know, and I will see what I can do.

Best of luck
Marilyn x

Good for its genre. Jacks story moves quickly and you dont have time to linger and absorb. Its an eclectic mix of mordern language and local that I found interesting t read. I am sure it will fit into the YA childrens sector well. The writer has a unique style.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

‘The Boy from Earth’ is a fantasy epic written with imaginative flare. Moons hovering a few feet above the land, lakes in the sky, shapeshifters and a soldier turning slowly to stone are only a few of the intriguing components of what sounds like a great adventure tale. I enjoyed the atmosphere you created in eleven year old Jack’s home. An only child in a house full of boring books and adults who constrain his imagination. The dialogue is great throughout and is the strength of your tale. The Stonehenge/Marblehenge druid/ witchcraft connections worked well and Jack as he finds himself in this strange land and then in the clutches of these strangers is an MC who I am keen to follow. There were a few nits though.
In the short pitch – ever since what?
In the long pitch – perhaps you tell us a bit too much.
Some grammatical puzzles eg ‘and bibles in every room that ghosts wouldn’t dare set foot in the house’. Sometimes you could shorten decription. I would get rid of a few of the adjectives ending in’y’ eg darkly, excitedly etc. Language such as ‘only child in the household’ could be ‘an only child’. However this sort of thing is easily fixed.
More of a problem was Jack’s experience as he found himself in the new land.
The writing could be more vivid here. The henge ‘not looking as worn as they once were’ in fact ‘covered in strange ornate carvings’ coupled with the disappearance of Pedro, followed by that ‘great wall of darkness’ should be a dramatic highpoint and it is rather vague and ill defined. Why not have Jack be knocked out falling out of a tree or off the henge and have an immediate more dramatic transformation? I intend to read on and comment again. The more action the better in this and your dialogue, which is action in a sense is very natural and convincing.

I think this book would make a good tv series, or jackanory
Gillian M.H.

I put 4 children`s books on my watchlist, and think yours is the best. A nice twist, Earth a mythical world. 6 *

GILLIAN M.H.