Book Jacket

 

rank 467
word count 25426
date submitted 07.02.2011
date updated 08.05.2013
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Children'...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Boy from Earth

L.B. Ven

Jack Disor was more than excited to start boarding school in another country, but he never expected to end up in another world.

 

On the last day of summer vacation, Jack discovers a mysterious book that leads him to a secluded ruin in the nearby forest. While playing around the strange landmark, he is suddenly transported to the world of Zajitar and can’t find his way back.

Jack’s presence catches the attention of Sethal, a beautiful shape-shifter and the only one who knows about Earth. But finding a way home proves difficult as she’s on the run from the Therador Empire, who are locked in a centuries-old war with the magical Enkanters. When Jack discovers his own unusual powers, things go from bad to worse.

As the war intensifies, Jack’s only hope of getting home is finding Sethal’s husband, who just so happens to be imprisoned and slowly turning to stone. But when the warring leaders learn that Jack is from the ‘mythical’ world of Earth, the war suddenly becomes all about him.

 
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tags

adventure, asian, children, ethnic, fairytale, fantasy, folklore, magic, middle grade, multi cultural, race, racial, witch, wizard

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Chapters

8

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CHAPTER 7  Roaming Woods

 

The cool sea air, cawing gulls, and boats gently bobbing along the coast of Nossarok made Jack’s heart heavy. This scenery was typical of his forgone city in the Philippines and all he could think of was home, further encouraged by a forest up ahead that was more Earthlike—no more giant mushrooms this time. Since there were several Therador warships nearby, he did not want to catch the Brigade’s attention again and he entered the rustling forest.

The glorious rays of the suns illuminated the damp forest and gentle steam rose from the moist, moss-strewn ground. All the trees had rubbery trunks that were bulbous and gradually became leaner at the top. Their slenderness made the forest sway back and forth against the gentle blow of the sea, shaking bunches of their fruits and making a festive but calming noise. An explosion of fern leaves in the canopy shone a yellow-green glow when sunlight passed through them, and there was a scent of mint all over the place. 

Deeper in the forest, the trees stood twenty times Jack’s height and their bulbous base were as wide as a small house. The exposed roots of the younger trees were hair-like, but the fully-grown trees had roots as thick as a grown man’s waist. This made the forest seem more like a haven of petrified giant squid, with their ‘tentacles’ sprawled all over the place. Some of the viney roots crawled up other trees creating short, suspended bridges that gently swayed when he walked on them. 

Jack kept his eye on his map and compass as he trekked in the forest, trying his best to hear the bustle of a train station. It didn’t help that their trains were ridiculously quiet, so he had to be extra perceptive. But his concentration was broken when he noticed several white twigs sticking out of the ground. They were curiously reminiscent of bones, but he convinced himself they weren’t lest his hyperactive imagination get the best of him. Yet there was no denying he was treading on skeletal fragments when he inadvertently stepped on a ribcage and a tiny skull. He nervously swallowed because the bones looked quite human. But he remembered that the people in Zajitar didn’t bury their dead—they cast them in stone statues. Still, he hastened his steps when he saw giant, oddly-shaped footprints all over the place.

 

Jack’s initial fears of forest man-eaters were unfounded. All the animals he came across so far were only birds, with some courageous enough to perch on his shoulders. One avaricious avian went inside his satchel and snatched a sandwich, but he yielded because these strange birds had teeth in their beaks and two claws in the middle of their wings like a bat. The other birds were large and flightless, using their very long necks to snake around the giant roots of the squid-trees and catch tiny, ball-shaped birds. But the diminutive birds were not entirely defenseless—they had the remarkable ability to spit short bursts of fire at their predators. A forest fire was of little concern to these feathered dragons because the fern forest was too humid and damp to cause anything incendiary. 

 

When the afternoon eclipse arrived, a gentle shadow slowly swept over the forest. Jack was glad it wasn’t as pitch-black as before because the Skywater Aerland was now too far away to cast total darkness. This also gave him a jolt of hope as the faint dimness meant he was closer to the Marblehenge, reliving that fateful day he mysteriously arrived in Zajitar. But he wondered why all the birds dispersed in a rush as if they were frightened by the gloom. The smaller birds flew up to the canopy and vanished in the branches while the flightless birds ran up the trees and clung tightly at the top. He cautiously continued to walk in the eerie silence of the hazy forest, perplexed as to what could have frightened the birds.

The ground trembled.

Fearful of an earthquake, Jack ran up on the roots of the giant squid tree and hugged its trunk tightly as the tremors intensified. Beyond his tree was a violent rustling that quickly spread all over the forest. Eventually, the tree he was on began to rustle aggressively nearly knocking him over and loosened his arm causing his satchel to slip off. He wasn’t about ready to part with his precious map and compass now that he was so close to his destination, so he reached down to grab his satchel and then… the tree rose up!

All of the trees in the forest broke out of their earthen beds. They briskly walked together using their massive tentacle-roots, ripping the ground and tossing up clumps of earth all over. Like a flock of sheep, the trees moved in one direction towards a field of mulch. A tree in front of Jack suddenly stopped, raised itself as high as it possibly could with its roots, shivered from top to bottom, and then produced a large seed from underneath itself. The rest of the herd did the same thing and then became solitary again. Soon everything stayed still and the birds emerged as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

 

Jack carefully climbed down his tree and walked around with bright curiosity, watching the trees tend their newly laid seeds. He smiled at the peculiar scene before feeling oddly light on his shoulder. His satchel was gone. 

He raced around the immediate area looking for that brown, leather bag and its precious contents. But everywhere he turned, it was the same scenery. With the suns still right above him, he could not tell where east or west was, much less the way out of such a dangerous forest. In desperation, he tried to lift the roots of the giant trees but to no avail.

Feeling a great sense of failure, he leaned in front of a tree and repeatedly knocked his forehead. He couldn’t believe his clumsiness. What if he came upon another creature like the Crimsroth? What was he to do if he got hungry? All these vital questions kept pounding in his head as he continued to scold himself. Tears wouldn’t even trail down his eyes despite wanting to cry so badly. He started to feel an unusual tingle all over his body, but he did not care about any physical discomfort. Sliding down the tree, he sat on the ground and held his head on his hands while forcefully sobbing.   

 

“W-why a-are you c-crying like th-that?stuttered a high-pitched voice, which startled Jack. “B-boys are n-not even s-supposed to c-cry. At l-least that’s what I r-remember. I h-haven’t talked t-to anyone for m-many months… so w-why are you c-crying?”

    Jack was surprised to see a fresh-faced little girl hanging over him on one of the suspended roots. She was around his height but maybe a couple of years younger, and she wore a very refined dress—dismissing Jack’s assumption that she was some type of forest person, even though she did not wear any shoes nor socks.

    “I, um, tripped,he lied, standing up and giving her a forced smile. But deep down inside he was genuinely smiling. “What are you doing here?” 

    “I’m n-not sure,” she said as she climbed down. She trembled a bit after landing, almost losing her balance from the four-foot drop. “M-my father brought me in the Roaming Woods and just left me here. It’s been almost an hour now, actually.”

    Jack wrinkled his brow because the little girl’s stutter disappeared. And she was now talking slightly faster than before.

    “They call this place the Roaming Woods?” he continued. They should call this place the Deadly Woods. 

    “You sound just like my mother… except for your weird accent,” said the girl. “I know the Roaming Woods is dangerous, but I know how to take care of myself. Well, most of the time. But most people are not allowed in here. The Therador tried to fence it up but the trees kept crushing the fence… I think we should get out of here now.”

Jack followed his fast-talking guide until he saw a broken wheelbarrow underneath one of the tree’s massive roots. Its wheel was buried underneath the ground while the rest was snapped in two, obviously crushed when the tree nested. Surprisingly, there was a ripped piece of the girls dress held by the root next to the wheelbarrow.

    “What are you waiting for,” called the girl from a distance. “The eclipse is about to end.”

    Jack hurriedly caught up with her, kicking dried leaves as he ran excitedly. “Are you sure you know where you’re going, because I know I’m lost.”

“I know this forest very well,” she said proudly. “My house is nearby.”

“That’s good. Would you have a map and a compass I could borrow?”

“My father has lots of maps—he’s an officer of the Therador,” she added while balancing on a long, fallen log.And I’m an expert navigator.”

“I guess you’ve lived here for a while. Not in the forest, I mean.”

“Yes!” she happily yelled at the top of her lungs and then stopped to hear her echo in the forest. “I play here all the time before my accident.”

    “You had an accident? You look fine.”

    “I fell off one of these trees a while back. I followed the sound of a baby crying and I climbed a tree when I thought it was done laying seeds—but it wasn’t. My parents were very upset; I could not move or talk at all for many months.”     

Jack tried to imitate the forest girl and climbed on the log, but he quickly slipped and fell on something quite hard. He had landed on a large part of the ground that was made of polished stone and perfectly leveled—like a vast marble floor in the middle of the forest. When he looked back at the ground behind him it was still mushy and lumpy, like any ordinary ground, yet everything beyond where he sat was the hard, yellowish stone. He even saw the straight borderline where the mulch ground ended and the stone ground began.

    “Let’s go before the Therador spot us,” called the girl. “We’re not supposed to be here—especially around the door.”

    “Door?” asked Jack as he cleaned himself up before sprinting towards her.

    He turned and saw the square shape of a very large and ornate door on the ground, made of that yellow stone. But at this point in his journey he was very tired of surprises and was the least bit concerned of what lay inside a giant door on the ground, especially one in the middle of a dangerous forest.

 

The chatterbox little girl merrily skipped through a grassy meadow and then down a hill towards a neighborhood of wooden houses. All the roofs in the village of brown sticks were made of thick, tall grass, with some boasting flower gardens swarmed by colorful butterflies.

    “I live in the biggest one,” said the girl to Jack. 

Her two-story house was quite extravagant, sporting two chimneys on either end and a vegetable garden on the roof that draped all the way down to the front lawn.

“Race ya!” she exclaimed.

Jack took the challenge, but was surprised at how fast she could sprint in her bare feet. Not wanting to be outdone by a girl, he bolted with all his might until his sandals unstrapped and he ended up a close second. She stopped by the front lawn of her house and turned to him with her arm outstretched.  

     “You can’t come in unless you tell me your name,” she said sternly. “I’m not allowed to bring strangers inside.” 

“Oh. Well, my name is Jack

“That’s a weird name,” she said bluntly with a raised brow before suddenly smiling. “My name is Raneya!”  

She took a key hidden in between the many crevices of a stone gate and proceeded to the front door. A sharp hum like a muffled squeal echoed throughout the house the moment they came inside. Jack thought it was some sort of alarm until he saw a big caterpillar, about the size of a large dog, slithering towards them.

“Ghalver!” cried Raneya happily as she held the plump worm. “I can hug you again.”

Ghalver the caterpillar continued its strange hum as it wound around Raneya’s tiny body. It produced a two-pronged, orange antenna above its shiny black head, which wriggled about like the tail of a happy dog.

Raneya ran up to one of the walls of her house and placed her hand on a small metal square. A tiny glowing orb appeared by the ceiling over the dining room and it slowly grew to the size of a basketball, illuminating the otherwise shadowy interior.

“Come inside and I’ll cook us lunch,” she said. “But first I have to let my parents know I’m home.

“Your parents let you cook?” asked Jack, taking off his sandals and stepping inside the cold living room. He was surprised at how unkempt the inside was, covered in dust as well the tracking of Ghalver’s nine pairs of feet all over the place. “Don’t you have a maid?” 

“No one in Emanthil city is rich enough to have a maid,” answered Raneya, walking to a lonely end table by the window. “Except maybe the crooked mayor, but he uses his six stepdaughters as servants. Now, let’s see… my Ennai is probably still at work at the hospital.” 

“Who’s Ennai?”

“My mother, said Raneya, staring at him as if the answer should have been obvious.

“You call her by her first name?”

No, that’s not her name—that’s just what you call mothers.” She paused for a second and wrinkled her forehead.What do you call your mother?”

“Mother—wait, I think I know what you mean.” Jack smiled and nodded. “Where I come from, we call our mothers ‘Mum.

You’re very strange, Jack,” remarked Raneya, “very strange.”

She quickly changed focus and took a crystal stick from a drawer. She wrote on a stone tablet placed on the end table and, despite the crystal stick having no ink, scribbles still appeared on the tablet. When she left for the kitchen Jack went closer to inspect the curious device. Her glowing writing had disappeared and new scribbles began to appear frantically, as if hysterically replying to her message.

“Is there an answer yet?” called Raneya from the kitchen.

“Um… no?” he hesitated. Jack had too much pride to admit to a girl that he could not read their language and quickly changed the subject.So how far is the train station from here?”

The Avzoluth station is an hour south,” she shouted. “I guess you really aren’t from around here or you’d know that.”

Raneya continued to chatter as she took out meats and vegetables from her holding vat while Jack inspected her house, wondering why a lot of furniture was missing. There was a small table with four chairs and a large worn-out couch, but nothing else. Many white spaces marked the walls and floors indicating that there used to be furniture on or against them.

“Do you need any help back there,” asked Jack when he heard the squealing of some strange animal… probably their lunch.

No, thank you,” answered Raneya as the sound of pounding and ripping reverberated out of the kitchen. “I’m an expert cook. My Ennai taught me well but I haven’t been able to do this since my accident. I hope you like Khassag—it’s my favorite.”

Jack had never heard of Khassag before but didn’t say anything so as not to insult the little chef. All the while, he poked around inspecting their many medical books until something out of a filmy window caught his attention: two worn-out, wooden wheelbarrows lay on the back lawn, the same kind he saw in the Roaming Woods. Raneya came up behind him looking outside as well, and she suddenly seemed devoid of any warm emotion.

The Khassag should be ready in a few minutes,” she said in a dull, almost absent voice. “The bathing stone is outside. Go clean up. My mother washed me this morning.”

Then she somberly walked back to the dining room to set the table.

Chapters

8

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Seringapatam wrote 92 days ago

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

tjmurray83 wrote 141 days ago

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

Kate LaRue wrote 173 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

rikasworld wrote 265 days ago

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 297 days ago

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

T M Robinson wrote 14 days ago

Your writing is quite good. As the Koreans say, 'You've worked hard'.
A couple of suggestions, which you are perfectly free to ignore.
1. Ditch the table of contents. It's not needed for fiction and will be eliminated by your editor at some point.
2. Think about how to put more action into your subtext. i.e.; The corners of Jack's lips lifted as lightning flashed across his window. Palm branches slapped the rattling panes as a howling wind shook the tree outside his bedroom. A half-filled suitcase rested on his bed, the coverlet tucked with military precision as required by Tom, top-boy at the Saint Pugnacious academy for young gentlemen.

Draw a picture with words. The more eloquent your words, the more vivid the picture will be. Fill the reader in without 'telling' the story. Allow a gentle unfolding.

Also - If a scene feels 'forced', step back and consider alternatives. Placing another character in the scene as a 'foil' for dialog will allow you to inform the reader without narration. The balance between dialog and subtext is subjective, so do what feels right for you, but keep in mind that too much subtext will slow the pace of the book.

Also - walk your prose line-by-line to see what is relevant and what is not relevant to the story. i.e.: "Morning Dad," he greeted his father who fixed a weather machine sticking out of their roof." The roof and the weather machine are a 'red herring' that doesn't really serve the reader. Better I think: "Morning Dad. Yes, that's the last of my luggage."

Good luck

smartguy360 wrote 16 days ago

this book reminds me of John Carter I liked that so I'll definitely be giving this a read

squeezynz wrote 21 days ago

This story doesn't hang about, ripping along at a cracking pace but still giving the reader a sense of time and place and drawing colorful and intriguing characters. Great descriptions of the new and old world and looks to be a great adventure in the making.
Best of luck with this, I hope it does well
cheers
Louise
Cherished Castaway

Ted Cross wrote 36 days ago

I haven't read much YA, so this reminded me vaguely of A Wrinkle in Time in its feel. I did wonder whether the first three paragraphs were needed, as they are purely expository and it might be better to simply start with the actual story and work some of those details into it. Here are a few minor things I noticed as I was reading:

...who occupied every available space... -- the 'occupied' refers to the books while having the feel of applying to his mother, so I'd change occupied to 'filled'.

...got out of his bedroom with a sweat... -- I don't know your nationality, so this may just be a variance of language use, but from my American standpoint, this sentence was jarring.

...pushing a large luggage... -- this is odd to me as well. I've always seen it as 'pushing a large piece of luggage', as I think the term luggage may be plural.

'Up here, son' -- 'son' should be capitalized when used as a title like this, and indeed you do capitalize similar useage later on, such as two paragraphs after this one.

...air-defying ability... -- this jarred me, since it is gravity defying rather than air defying.

incase -- 'in case'

They were all precisely five feet from each other that... -- feels like something is missing, for example, 'They were all precisely five feet from each other, such that (or 'so that')...

Andrewallen82 wrote 80 days ago

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated

Seringapatam wrote 92 days ago

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

sherit wrote 92 days ago

Lyle, I did come back! I was able to read the next chapter before getting ready for work. Curse you, man. I have about a dozen promised reads and two books I'm in the middle of with two more i'm hoping to get to (not mentioning my own book I need to edit and a second one i need to finish) but you made me want to read this....and in my humble opinion that, my friend, is the mark of a good story. I hope to see you rise quickly in the ranks and must find room for you on my WL for now. I tend to put books on my shelf and leave them until they make ED or leave. I'm not one of those shuffle them around kind of gals. Take care.
Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

sherit wrote 92 days ago

Hi Lyle...Hope this finds you well. I don't usually like fantasy type literature (oh well, Harry Potter nothwithstanding, but i read those for my kids and got hooked), but this was so well written and likeable I found myself getting drawn in. Chapter one had trouble loading...don't know if that happens to everyone, or is there's really nothing there...I read chapter two as numbered (but it said it was chapter one). I wish I had time this evening to read more, but it's almost 11 here (USA) so I'll try to return tomorrow. Very interesting premise and liking it very much, in spite of myself! Thanks again for your backing of my book. I'll be back!
All the best, Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

tjmurray83 wrote 141 days ago

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

Stark Silvercoin wrote 145 days ago

It’s quite rare to run across something special AND original in the fantasy genre, but The Boy from Earth fits that bill. Told from the point of view of a young boy who falls into a fairy tale, there is a wonderful dichotomy between his normal, mundane life and the fantastic, beautiful place he finds himself. In that respect, it has a bit of a The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe type of feel. But the world of Zajitar is more than just fantasy. There is a war going on between the fantasy-type creatures and the science-equipped Therador Empire. This mix of sci-fi and fantasy should appeal to readers of both genres.

Author L.B. Ven has crafted quite a story to go along with his fantastic setting. Every character seems real, even when they are obviously story-book fare. The dialog is perfect and does a great job of moving the tale forward.

I read all that was available here so far and think that if The Boy from Earth continues the way it has been going, that it should have a bright future ahead of it, crossing genres and attracting a large readership. At its heart it’s a good story, well-told. Everything else is just icing on this delicious cake.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Kate LaRue wrote 173 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

Kate LaRue wrote 173 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

Mark Cain wrote 252 days ago

A fun tale! Having it start on Jack's 11th birthday is a bit Harry Potter like, but the story itself isn't.

There's some fun and sometimes funny lines in the first chapter, e.g., "In fact, he spent many a night in the dark with the closet door opened and inviting any monster to dare frighten him." I loved that. Also a book on THE HISTORY OF SHEPHARD'S PIE? LOL!

There was a typo in Chapter one: "I though a demon lives here" Think you meant thought.

I read through chapter six. The story is good, though it unfolds perhaps a little too leisurely. Remember, you want to hook your reader quickly, especially with a children's book.

Some of the names used in your alternative world are tongue twisters. I think it was in Chapter 6 that this particularly caught my eye. I did the same thing in my first book and had people comment on them. You want the names to be magical and exotic, but you don't want them to be hard to say or too foreign.

A lovely tale though, and I'm keeping it on my watch list to see how you do.

Best, and congratulations on a fun read!

Mark
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40009/hell-s-super/

rikasworld wrote 265 days ago

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

julia rush wrote 269 days ago

Dear Lyle:

Charming fantasy novel. A cross between C.S. Lewis and Roald Dahl. I adored the Narnia Series as a young girl and this is written just as well. I am shelving and starring. Good Luck!

Simone Marie
My Rhapsody

fledglingowl wrote 290 days ago

Lyle,
Very strange and delightful book. The story seems a bit higgelty-piggelty, going forward at tangents rather than a straight line. Felt the first chapter was a lot more polished than chapter two. Given you high stars and shelf space.
Short and long pitches are both excellent. Very sympathetic character in Jack, his parents seem so strange and he seems lonely and unhappy. Not sure how young people will react, he seems a bit woebegone for the hero - but then you point out he is the villain. Will try to get back for more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Dean Lombardo wrote 296 days ago

Hi L.B.
I am here for a return read. Your story is fun and imaginative -- a journey that at first grounds the reader in everyday reality and then slowly and cleverly transports him/her into a world of fantasy (e.g., the glowing book, the whistling turning into winds, and finally the transportation into the magical world). I also commend you on the the bits of history you were able to integrate through the natural-sounding dialogue of your young characters.
A few suggestions, all pertaining to Chapter 1 (autho Ch. 2), though I did read some of Chapter 2 (autho Ch. 3):

Where you say, "were only confined in books" -- I think I know what you are driving at, but even so "were confined to books" sounds more natural.
"though Jack was the least bit surprised" sounds odd. Usually this construction pertains to the negative and employs "wasn't." So if you do mean to say that Jack was indeed surprised, then I suggest you recast the sentence. Otherwise, say "though Jack wasn't the least bit surprised."
Where you say "he said in a pant," I think "with a pant" works better.
Is Pedro Jack's cousin. If so, you might wants to work in a quick, short and seamless line explaining HOW they are cousins straight away. It threw me that Jack seems like this pale-faced English boy living in the Phillipines while Pedro is this older, browner-skinned, Spanish-blooded lad, and as a reader the relationship didn't compute without a bit of explanation. Just my opinion, though.
I think this story is the right formula for today's market, and your pitch is compelling, so all the best in your efforts to sell it. Highly starred, Dean Lombardo, "Space Games"

Lucy Middlemass wrote 297 days ago

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

grantdavid wrote 312 days ago

Lyle, What a superbly written story for an oldie! Breezy,"chucklesome", fast-moving, going like a train through briskly moving scenes. I like Jack as MC, too. He's a real character, with ideal parents for such a story.
You get my vote: next available place on my Shelf and top stars,
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

Lourdes wrote 335 days ago

Dear Lyle,
This is indeed an enchanted tale for any age. It is magical and funny, and i enjoyed the first two chapters.
Some of the punctuation raised an eyebrow, but then again, it may be just me.
"You donated those to the orphanage last week, remember!"
"How do i get home!"
Of course these two sentences may be meant as statements rather than questions, in which case all is well.
A marvelously descriptive story with very interesting characters. Looking forward to reading more and wish i had more spaces on my shelf.
Highly rated and will keep in it line to be shelved.
Favourite sentence: "She gave the oven a swift kick, and it yelled back at her in Japanese."
Cheers!
Maria
The Path to Survival

Nanty wrote 337 days ago

CHIRG Review:

The Boy from Earth.
Chapter 1 - An intriguing title. Your first paragraph is super - loved the 'seventh being on purpose', made me laugh. I also liked things can change 'because of a book.' I think many adult readers would agree with this and it's encouraging to belief children will too.
Meters - Not sure if you are American, but would think so. I'm English and we spell it 'metre/s'.
'With his eyes affixed' doesn't read well - possibly - with his eyes fixed.
'they blankly stared' - this sounds awkward - perhaps - they stared blankly.
Breakfast sounds awful - children will love this.
Nippy reply from Jack - 'I think a fourth language at my age borders on child abuse.' Good way to let the reader know Jack is a very clever child, without labouring the point.
'Jack heeded' - sounds old-fashioned.
A nice bit of mystery regarding the book, where it's come from and who previously owned it.
The ideas various individuals have about Marble-Henge were very good and worked well, adding to its mystery.
This chapter is quite long for young children. Perhaps consider making one chapter into two - a good place to do this is when Jack sets off to see Marble-Henge with his cousin Pedro.

Chapter 2: Some lovely ideas here. A forest of giant mushrooms, a house shaped like a three-tiered cake (possibly a mini ziggaurat) and the upside-down island drifting in the sky.
Sayal and Tevarya - completely opposite personalities, came across well, through I think it might be an idea to introduce their names early than you have as the orange-haired woman and the brown-haired woman, got rather repetitive.
Another lovely idea, the sisters arguing grow younger!
Overall: As mentioned above there are some really lovely ideas in the story, though some of the language is a little stilted and some words eg: comprised, desolate, terrain - might be difficult for your targeted audience. Lots of mystery going on and a strange world children can explore with Jack. A nice read.
The above is just my opinion, nothing more and nothing less, and is intended to help. I hope it of some value to you, but if not...well ignore it.
Starred.

Nanty - Chrys!

Shelby Z. wrote 353 days ago

Okay I have to day your opener is very eye catching. Readers like myself love stories that have to do with books tons of books like the family has. Great hook there.
Also I like the idea for your story it is new and creative.
Your MC has a lot of special characteristics to him.
Your title is chosen well as is the cover.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

revteapot wrote 355 days ago

Kyle, I enjoyed this. The transition from one world to another is difficult to pull off, but you've achieved it convincingly.
Well done.
Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Cariad wrote 359 days ago

This is terrific! Really great I think. I loved the opening paragraphs, the description - so brief but so visual, and those little bits added on that just made me laugh - 'The seventh being on purpose.' etc.
So instantly readable and immersive and perfectly pitched for your audience.

'though Jack was the least bit surprised on his air defying ability.' - was not? and 'of' his air defying.... about?

I won't waffle on. I shall be carrying on reading, so if I come up with anything obvious or shocking or whatever, I'll mention it again. Meantime have big stars and a reserved shelf space as soon as my backlog is done. :)

Lyle B wrote 369 days ago

Thank you so much for the detailed critique! Will defnitely incorporate your constructive comments. Rgarding Chapter 2, I actually had several revisions as some thought the pace was too slow (due to a lack of dialogue) so that's why I hurried up with the expositions. But you made a great observation and I will try to find a way to maintain the 'momentum'.

Thanks again!

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

SirFurboy wrote 370 days ago

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

AeliusBlythe wrote 373 days ago

You have a really nice voice.

Only read the first chapter so far, but it's going on my shelf and I swear I'll come back for the rest of it soon!

minorkey wrote 374 days ago

Great pitch - hooked me in. Some sentences feel stilted but on the whole the first 2 chapters worked very well, gave me something of Jack's personality and homelife (and soon to be future in America) before everything changes. I haven't read any further yet, but for now I'm going to shelve this.

Cas Meadowfield wrote 378 days ago

Wonderful story wonderfully told. So many things to love; places in the sky- strange walking trees, and magical people.
really hope you get this published, as I want to know the rest...

Cas Meadowfield
The Wind Maker

Tod Schneider wrote 382 days ago

A well told tale! You launch quickly in an exotic setting, and keep us on the hook.
Thanks!
Tod Schneider
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Lyle B wrote 382 days ago

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.



Thanks for the crit and the backing! And you're right, Kristie, Chapter 2 does slow down the pace, which is why I made it as short as possible (only 6 pages). Chapter 3 has a lot more dialogue and exposition about the war, and also contains the catalyst for the MC to take matters into his own hands. But I will try and incorporate the war storyline sooner, definitely in Chapter 2.

Thanks again!!!

Kirstie wrote 383 days ago

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

Atieno wrote 385 days ago

The dialogue in this book must be the best in authonomy. I love this story. I love the premise, the history, the magic.
You just need to be on my shelve.
Star rated and watchlisted .
Josphine

Katie2112 wrote 386 days ago

Hi, just come across your book. What a great idea, children will love this escapism. On my watch list and highly starred.

A New Life wrote 387 days ago

A very interesting story so far. I like the fact that Jack gets transported away from his world to a new one. I'm glad that it is all moving very fast-keeps the reader interested. Good luck

sticksandstones wrote 392 days ago

Lyle,

You have a superb pitch, it drew my attention and gained my interest in reading your story. I really like the idea. The first couple of paragraphs form a captivating introduction. They're very nicely written and have a smooth fluidity to them. I like the way you contrast folklore with Jack's ordinary upbringing. The imagery of the dead scholars peering down is excellent, reminds me of Harry Potter.

I love the gravity boots (not an original idea as such, but always lots of fun). There's good dialogue here, interspersed with good expression. "No, that was Cyborg," great line! The Japanese oven is awesome, I want one! I think it's important for any fantasy novel to have a plentiful supply of unique ideas. Especially ideas which come together well and put a smile on your face.

I think the transition between Jack and Pedro being at Marblehenge . . . And then Jack opening his eyes to a different place/world, is perfectly done . . . Because Jack's eyes are still closed when this event happens, you've maintained a wonderful sense of mystery. There's enough description to make the story interesting, but not so much it gets bogged down or loses pace.

Lyle, I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is highly readable/polished writing. I'd be happy to read more and give it my support/backing. Highly starred!

Good luck,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

Zerin Mewa wrote 420 days ago

A good start! Think it fits the YA genre perfectly! The settings are really good and you get to the point quickly. It's kind of a mixture of genres, YA/ Adventure and Mystery (a good thing as it keeps the reader turning pages) Highly starred and backed! :-)

Ted Cross wrote 428 days ago

I haven't read childrens' stories in a long time, but this reads just like one I would have loved as a child. I love the mysterious book hidden behind all the others in the case. The one area for improvement that I can see is some misuses of the 'to be' form. For example in paragraph one the 'and was surrounded by' needs to be 'were surrounded by'. In paragraph two ',,,the scary noises coming from Jack's attic was a clunky weather-machine' the 'was' is wrong. It might be better as '...were caused by a clunky weather-machine.' Nicely done, and I wish you success in finding a publisher

kyeslater wrote 443 days ago

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

kyeslater wrote 443 days ago

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

Tod Schneider wrote 455 days ago

This looks like good fun for middle readers. I like the exotic locale.
Best of luck with this!

Candymace wrote 458 days ago

I loved the exotic setting and names in this. The writing is very good with appropriate vocabulary for the age group on the whole. The totally non-spiritual, non-fantasy parent idea works really well. A great tale for older children. Wonderful characters, Jack comes over really well. Candy.

David J Baron wrote 500 days ago

Hi LB

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

roundrobin1 wrote 538 days ago

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

roundrobin1 wrote 538 days ago

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

La Marmonie wrote 665 days ago

You have a fabulous story here! And a strong Main Character in Jack.

Your long pitch is well written and interesting, but I think your short pitch needs some clarity. It also needs to be punchy, as it is the first thing someone sees before reading the book.

From the 3rd pgh on, your story sails through.
The 4th pgh is even better, and from there it goes on really well. It is pacey, and things are happening all the time, which keeps the reader interested. This is especially important for children.

I really like your characters too. From the first one you introduce, the cook Flor, even though she says nothing, it shows her character and personality. She is busy. And when she needs to speak she does. I like Pedro too. You description of the mother is amusing and unexpected. But it shows her as a real person.

The dialogue in general is good and brings out the personalities well.

You have some lovely scenery included, without over-description, which is really effective. It paints a good picture and helps the reader to visualise the setting well. This is one where it just doesn't describe, but actually shows the reader what is happening - " But Jack was too distracted playing around the Marblehenge twirling from pillar to pillar as the breeze intensified." Brilliant!

I must say that your ending of Chapter 1 is really very effective. A wonderful hook! How can anyone not turn the page? For a child, it is just brilliant.

On the other hand,what doesn't work so well for me are these things, and in my opinion are fairly easy to change, but important, as they come right at the beginning of your book.

1. As I said, the short pitch needs some clarity. Here is an idea which you could use if you like:

Jack Dison has always been disappointed with life. Then he came across fantasy, and stumbled upon a world where Earth is a complete fairytale.

2. The first line of the book needs to be something that grabs the reader's interest. Bearing in mind your reader is a child.
My suggestion is:-

Jack Disors's family was anything but magical.

2. First line of pgh 2. My suggestion is :-

Inside the house was every kind of book, except fairytales.

Paragraph 1 and 2 needs some general shaping up , and some well flowing sentences that introduces the reader to your true style. At the moment it doesn't. But it is good that you introduce the reader to the place - the Philippines. The second pgh, is about the library, which is also good.

Please remember that these are my thoughts just as a reader. And I am just one person. Feel free to ignore it, but if I can help in any other way, let me know, and I will see what I can do.

Best of luck
Marilyn x


Wilma1 wrote 668 days ago

Good for its genre. Jacks story moves quickly and you dont have time to linger and absorb. Its an eclectic mix of mordern language and local that I found interesting t read. I am sure it will fit into the YA childrens sector well. The writer has a unique style.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

briantodd wrote 673 days ago

‘The Boy from Earth’ is a fantasy epic written with imaginative flare. Moons hovering a few feet above the land, lakes in the sky, shapeshifters and a soldier turning slowly to stone are only a few of the intriguing components of what sounds like a great adventure tale. I enjoyed the atmosphere you created in eleven year old Jack’s home. An only child in a house full of boring books and adults who constrain his imagination. The dialogue is great throughout and is the strength of your tale. The Stonehenge/Marblehenge druid/ witchcraft connections worked well and Jack as he finds himself in this strange land and then in the clutches of these strangers is an MC who I am keen to follow. There were a few nits though.
In the short pitch – ever since what?
In the long pitch – perhaps you tell us a bit too much.
Some grammatical puzzles eg ‘and bibles in every room that ghosts wouldn’t dare set foot in the house’. Sometimes you could shorten decription. I would get rid of a few of the adjectives ending in’y’ eg darkly, excitedly etc. Language such as ‘only child in the household’ could be ‘an only child’. However this sort of thing is easily fixed.
More of a problem was Jack’s experience as he found himself in the new land.
The writing could be more vivid here. The henge ‘not looking as worn as they once were’ in fact ‘covered in strange ornate carvings’ coupled with the disappearance of Pedro, followed by that ‘great wall of darkness’ should be a dramatic highpoint and it is rather vague and ill defined. Why not have Jack be knocked out falling out of a tree or off the henge and have an immediate more dramatic transformation? I intend to read on and comment again. The more action the better in this and your dialogue, which is action in a sense is very natural and convincing.

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 678 days ago

I think this book would make a good tv series, or jackanory
Gillian M.H.

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 681 days ago

I put 4 children`s books on my watchlist, and think yours is the best. A nice twist, Earth a mythical world. 6 *

GILLIAN M.H.

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