Book Jacket

 

rank 462
word count 25426
date submitted 07.02.2011
date updated 08.05.2013
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Children'...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Boy from Earth

L.B. Ven

Jack Disor was more than excited to start boarding school in another country, but he never expected to end up in another world.

 

On the last day of summer vacation, Jack discovers a mysterious book that leads him to a secluded ruin in the nearby forest. While playing around the strange landmark, he is suddenly transported to the world of Zajitar and can’t find his way back.

Jack’s presence catches the attention of Sethal, a beautiful shape-shifter and the only one who knows about Earth. But finding a way home proves difficult as she’s on the run from the Therador Empire, who are locked in a centuries-old war with the magical Enkanters. When Jack discovers his own unusual powers, things go from bad to worse.

As the war intensifies, Jack’s only hope of getting home is finding Sethal’s husband, who just so happens to be imprisoned and slowly turning to stone. But when the warring leaders learn that Jack is from the ‘mythical’ world of Earth, the war suddenly becomes all about him.

 
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adventure, asian, children, ethnic, fairytale, fantasy, folklore, magic, middle grade, multi cultural, race, racial, witch, wizard

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CHAPTER 1 - The Glowing Book

 

Jack Disor greeted the lightning storm with a smile. As palm branches rapped against his bedroom window amidst the howling winds, he happily filled a suitcase with winter clothes and booklets from a boarding school he was attending.

    “What else can I bring?” he asked himself as he looked around the gloomy room, eyeing a perfectly preserved monkey’s skeleton. He shook his head and, instead, packed a book about witches, a bejeweled ring that changed color if ghosts were apparently nearby, and a pair of night-vision goggles he used to spy on a neighbor that he was convinced was an alien (but who only turned out to be Dutch).

By the time Jack finished packing, he could barely lift the suitcase despite being rather tall for an eleven-year-old. Step by step, he dragged the bulging piece of luggage down the stairs.  

    “That better be the last of your baggage,boomed a deep voice. Jack quickly looked around but saw no one. “Up here, Son.”

Jack’s father dangled upside-down meters above him using gravity boots, one of his latest inventions, though Jack wasn’t the least bit surprised of his air-defying ability.

    “Morning, Dad,” he greeted his father who fixed a weather machine sticking out from their roof. Jack then lugged his suitcase to their library where the rest of his baggage awaited.This should be all of it, I think.” 

    Wouldn’t hurt to triple check, noted his father. That’s twelve thousand kilometers between the Philippines and Canada, Jack, and you don’t want to leave anything important behind. I’d even pack a map and compass, just in case. 

But Jack was not paying attention. He was distracted by something that flickered from the bottom of a bookcase when a flash of lightning illuminated the library. He crawled towards it and parted volumes of The History of Shepherd’s Pie, which only revealed another row of books. When his father came down from the ceiling, all he saw were Jack’s legs sticking out of the cavernous bookcase. “What on Earth are you doing in there?”

Jack still did not answer. He eventually reached the back of the bookcase and found that the shiny object was just a big, black book. But the moment he touched it as lightning flashed one more time, the book glowed brilliantly. He quickly pulled back his hand thinking it was hot and the book stopped glowing at once. With his eyes fixed at the strange discovery, an engraving appeared on the cover of the leather-bound book: giant stone pillars in a circular pattern.

    “Stonehenge?said Jack, somewhat disappointed.  But every turned page revealed images of sinister sorcerers and magical creatures, and by the second chapter his grin nearly reached his ears. He never expected such a find in their library because his parents were both scientists and didn’t care much for folklore or fairytales.

    “Anything interesting back there?asked Jack’s father, knocking on the side of the bookcase. Jack hurriedly crawled out, collecting dust in his bowl-shaped haircut, and handed the book to his father. 

    “I found a glowing book!” he said with a pant.

    “There’s no such thing, said his father.

    “Just watch! The next time there’s lightning, this book will light up. 

They blankly stared at it for a few seconds, but Jack groaned when he looked out the window and saw the clouds parting as sunlight swept across the library.

I swear it lit up.”

    “Jack, this is just a simple tome… and not at all academic,” he said after opening to a page with a giant, menacing unicorn trampling people. “I wonder how this got into our library. Here, best ask your mother.

 

The last raindrops echoed throughout the Disor manor as Jack left the library with his newly found book right up to his face.

    “Ouch!” he said after bumping into a wall and tilting a portrait of his great grandfather. More dead relatives peered down as he passed through a labyrinth of hallways until an orchestra of boiling pots and sizzling pans welcomed him to the kitchen.

    “There’s my little traveler!” greeted Jack’s mother with a big smile while having a tug-of-war with the oven door. “Your special breakfast is on its way, if this oven ever spits it out.”

    She gave the oven a swift kick and it yelled back at her in Japanese.

    “Anything I can help with? asked Jack distractedly.

    “I’m almost done so—Jack! Are you reading that book about plane crashes again?”

    “No, I finished that last night, he said frankly, finally finding the breakfast table.

    “Honestly, I don’t know why you read such books.”

    “In case my plane crash-lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”

    His mother’s eyes widened. “And what, pray tell, is that book about?”

I’m not sure yet… I found it in the library with Dad. There’s a picture of Stonehenge so maybe Grandpa Byron left it when he visited from England. He said you used to live there?

    “Yes, in Amesbury, but only up until I was six. It was a weird little town and the people called themselves Moonrakers.’

Jack' hurriedly flipped the pages back to an illustration with hooded figures digging graves under the light of two moons. He held the book up to his mother and asked, “Like this?”

    “Goodness, no! The only things in Amesbury are tourists and the occasional stray sheep.

    She finally opened the oven and pulled out a tray with a dozen, dark brown sausages covered in tiny bumps.

    “Here you go,” she said, handing Jack a plate of two of the sausages next to a lump that looked like mulched grass. “A twist on a traditional English breakfast: bangers made of sea cucumbers and mash made of bamboo shoots.

    But Jack was too engrossed with the book and devoured the bizarre breakfast in a couple of servings without question. He was particularly entranced by a drawing of a man in a grey cloak with his left hand covered in fire and the right hand all white, dangling icicles. 

    “Don’t you think you’re getting a little old for fantasy?” asked his mother as she added two more sea cucumbers on his plate. “Eleven-year-old honor students don’t read these kinds of books, you know. Or those Tales of the Enchanted Orphan you still keep in your bedroom.”

    “You donated those to the orphanage last week!

    “That’s because we have enough books as it is. Which reminds me, a van full of nuns will be coming by to go through the things you’ll be leaving behind. And I’m sure the children in the convent will just love that book.

    “How about… I keep this book and give away that German one you got me? said Jack as he turned to a page of a child reasoning with a giant, flying serpent.

    “But that book is educational; it’s good for you.

    “Mum, I think a fourth language at my age borders on child abuse.”

    “Very funny,” she quipped.

Just then, the kitchen door swung open and a tall and lanky boy, about a couple of years older than Jack, stood by the doorway bathed in sunlight.

    “Good morning, Aunt Victoria,” called the boy as he came inside the kitchen. “Hey, Jack, sorry I missed your party yesterday.

    “That’s alright, Pedro,” he said. “But you’ll never guess what I found—

    “In a moment, Jack,said his mother as Pedro handed her a wet sack that hissed. “Pedro got me the secret ingredient for my new English trifle.

    “Hermit crabs?” asked Jack with a raised brow when his mother opened the sack. “Wait, is this going to be my snack for the plane ride?”

His mother nodded excitedly. Jack rolled his eyes and continued to read the book, opening to a two-page illustration of Stonehenge.

    “Hey, that’s similar to the Tagu-An near my village, said Pedro.

    “What’s a Tagu-An?” asked Jack.

    “Stonehenge.”   

    “That’s impossible. Stonehenge is only in England.”

    “What makes you think we don’t have our own version here?”

    Jack paused and looked at him with a growing grin.

    “They’re not the same,” scoffed Jack’s mother as she gave Pedro a plate of breakfast. “The Tagu-An is small and crumbling, and it has the same color as the floors in the living room. Probably from the same marble quarry.”

    “Marblehenge,” Jack softly said in awe. He looked back at the page that showed a group of druids carrying torches around Stonehenge.

    “You know, there’s an old legend about the Tagu-An—I mean, Marblehenge,” said Pedro ominously, though with a smile. “A demon lives in the shadows of its many pillars and if you foolishly step on the shadow as the setting sun touches the horizon, the demon will grab—

Grab your ankles and take you to the underworld,” interrupted Jack’s father as he entered the kitchen. “They told me that same story when I was a kid, along with the ghost of the drowning mermaid. In fact, I hear you can still see her corpse when the Tagu-An gets flooded. Of course, it is only a trick with the—

    You have to take me there!” interrupted Jack with a gasp as he grabbed Pedro’s arm.

    “I guess we have time before your plane leaves,” replied Pedro smilingly. “Would it be alright, Uncle Arnulfo?”

    “I can’t see why not,” said Jack’s father. And take his new book with you incase it glows again.”

    Jack huffed indignantly at his father, who quickly stifled a chuckle.

“Alright, Jack, but leave your wristwatch behind,” noted Pedro. “There’s something there that messes up the time.

Jack did as he was told and he rushed to the backdoor with the book in one hand and Pedro in the other.

    “Be back by eleven!hollered Jack’s mother. Then she crossed her arms and turned to her husband who was now upside-down on the ceiling. “Well I hope you’re happy, Arnulfo. You’ve filled our son’s head with such foolishness.”

    “Don’t blame me, Victoria,” he noted while dodging the ceiling fan. “He’s just getting all excited because of that book. Isn’t it from your father?

    “I don’t think so. I’ve never seen that book in my life.”

 

Leaving the manicured lawns and paved roads of Jack’s affluent neighborhood, the two boys entered Pedro’s village of wooden huts, stray dogs, and narrow dirt streets.

    “It says here that the tallest stone in Stonehenge is eight meters high,” said Jack, reading while carefully walking over puddles. “How tall do you think that is, Pedro?”

    “Almost as tall as the Aquino’s acacia tree,” he answered, aiming his thumb at a dilapidated house that had been pushed aside by a massive tree. “Or Mrs. Kwan’s prize pig.”

    Jack jumped back, startled by a large sow that grunted at him for getting too close to Mrs. Kwan’s property. Pedro may have been exaggerating, but Blanka the pig was nearly the size of a cow—or Mrs. Kwan herself. The sow easily stood over a short fence, using its fatty forelegs to climb over, and leered at passersby who happily offered it foliage and fallen fruits. Blanka was now eyeing the leafy pages of Jack’s book.     

    “I bet you won’t find pigs in people’s yards when you arrive in Canada,” said Pedro laughingly. “You must be excited.”

    “I guess. But I’m going to be all alone once I start boarding school.”

    “You’ll get by; your English is pretty good. And, remember, you’ll finally get to see snow!”

    “Mum says I’ll hate it after a week of winter. She keeps talking about ‘frostbite’ and ‘black ice,’ but they all sound so magical to be bad things.”

    “Well, at least it will be a lot cooler there. Imagine, sunburn only in the summer.”

    Jack smiled as he looked at the red welts on his arms and felt the flaking skin on his freckly cheeks. He certainly was not going to miss the tropical weather, which never failed to give him sunburn in five of the twelve months of the year—if he was lucky.

    “I can’t believe it’s so hot already,” said Jack, placing the book over his head. “You’d think there wasn’t a thunderstorm this morning.”

    “Did you know that if you whistle, the wind will blow?”

    “No way,” balked Jack.

As much as he indulged in fantasy, he considered himself quite the man of science and found Pedro’s suggestion rather improbable. But to his delightful surprise a gentle breeze began encircling them when Pedro melodically blew. He couldn’t believe that it worked and just passed it off as a pleasant coincidence.

 

Through an orchard of mango trees and past the muddy ponds where the water buffalo swam, Jack and Pedro arrived at a quiet meadow. Soaring green mountains towered all over and at a distance was a jungle of palm trees overflowing with colorful but poisonous fruits.

    “Is that it?” Jack asked Pedro when he saw unusual skinny posts jutting into the sky. They climbed a short hill towards seven dark-purple pillars situated in a circular pattern. “These look nothing like Stonehenge. See?”

    Jack handed Pedro the book.

    “You’re right, I guess,” said Pedro as he leafed through the pages. “Not that it matters. The city’s going to tear it down for a new cemetery.”

    Jack shrugged as he walked in the middle of the ten-foot-tall pillars. He noticed their rough surface, with scratches and ring-like dents that reminded him of the surface of the moon. They were all precisely five feet from each other so that he barely touched two at the same time. He leaned against the tallest one and looked up as the wispy white clouds vanished before his very eyes. “Where are the druids supposed to do their sacrifices when they tear this down?”

    “Druids?” said Pedro, holding back a laugh. “Sorry to disappoint you but there are no druids in the Philippines. We have witchdoctors, though. Tons of ‘em.”

    “Yeah, but druids don’t cure warts or make tonics out of dried lizards,” said Jack. “They use sorcery.”   

    “From what Grandma Kunchita told me, only imps live around the palm forest. She saw a family of them—as big as cats—right here. The father imp was rolling tobacco leaves and the mother imp was breastfeeding their baby and knitting a tiny shirt—

    “I thought a shadow demon lives here?” interrupted Jack.

    “Everyone has their take on the Tagu-An,” said Pedro, walking down the hill with the book. “My friend says that it’s the crown of a buried giant, and my father thinks it’s the ruin of the stairway to heaven. The story about imps was Grandma’s.”

    “I thought so. Did she ever tell you the myth of the river horse?”

    “You can’t believe everything she tells you, Jack. And as for this ‘Marblehenge,’ well, it could just be some pagan ruin from centuries ago. You know, before the Spanish came and turned them all into Catholics.”

    “Maybe… I wonder what the real Stonehenge in England is like. I bet they’re a lot bigger than these telephone posts.”

 

The brilliant sun dried the puddles around the Marblehenge as Jack explored it further. He clasped a pillar with one hand and swung around to grab the next pillar, weaving in and out while a warm breeze jostled his brown hair.

    “Hey, Jack,” called Pedro from down the hill, still reading the book. “One of the druids in this book has the same last name as your mother. Hibbard, isn’t it?”

    But Jack was too distracted playing around the Marblehenge, twirling from pillar to pillar as the breeze intensified. When he closed his eyes all he saw was bright, yellow light and all he heard was the wildly rustling palm trees. Pedro called again but his voice was now faint, as if he was moving away, until Jack could hear him no more.

Suddenly, the breeze stopped. The rustling stopped as well, replaced by the sound of crashing waves from a distance. This was quite odd for he knew that they were miles away from any shore. He stopped swinging around the Marblehenge and slowly opened his eyes. Everything was dim and blue, and right above him was a large storm cloud that appeared out of nowhere. It looked unusually solid like a giant, rugged rock.

Something was amiss.

For one thing, the pillars of the Marblehenge were now taller and did not look as worn out. There was a thickness in the air and he felt a strange sensation of weightlessness despite being firmly on the ground. And instead of a mountain chain and the jungle around him, all he saw was a field of very tall grass. He’d never seen this type of grass before, which eerily swayed despite the absence of wind.

    “Pedro?” he called with a quiver in his voice.

But no answer.

Jack began to breathe heavily and felt a faint itch all over his body like a thousand crawling ants. A chill from behind made him turn around, and he staggered backwards.

From a distance was a great wall of darkness spreading across the field, like the night was out to chase him. He bolted down the hill and waded in the sea of shoulder-high grass, which continued to sway as if trying to ensnare him. Even though he had no idea where he was going, he knew he had to run away from the creeping shadow.

    “Pedro!” he yelled, looking around desperate to spot his cousin. 

Amidst labored breaths, he peered over his shoulder seeing the darkness getting closer and feeling the air growing colder.

Then he heard voices.

Beyond the field was a forest of giant fern trees where two figures moved about calling to him. When the shadow finally outran him and enveloped the entire field in darkness, a ball of light burst from where the two strangers stood. The sudden brightness stunned Jack and the last thing he saw was the grassy ground rushing towards his face before everything went black.

Chapters

2

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Seringapatam wrote 89 days ago

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

tjmurray83 wrote 138 days ago

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

Kate LaRue wrote 170 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

rikasworld wrote 262 days ago

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 294 days ago

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

T M Robinson wrote 11 days ago

Your writing is quite good. As the Koreans say, 'You've worked hard'.
A couple of suggestions, which you are perfectly free to ignore.
1. Ditch the table of contents. It's not needed for fiction and will be eliminated by your editor at some point.
2. Think about how to put more action into your subtext. i.e.; The corners of Jack's lips lifted as lightning flashed across his window. Palm branches slapped the rattling panes as a howling wind shook the tree outside his bedroom. A half-filled suitcase rested on his bed, the coverlet tucked with military precision as required by Tom, top-boy at the Saint Pugnacious academy for young gentlemen.

Draw a picture with words. The more eloquent your words, the more vivid the picture will be. Fill the reader in without 'telling' the story. Allow a gentle unfolding.

Also - If a scene feels 'forced', step back and consider alternatives. Placing another character in the scene as a 'foil' for dialog will allow you to inform the reader without narration. The balance between dialog and subtext is subjective, so do what feels right for you, but keep in mind that too much subtext will slow the pace of the book.

Also - walk your prose line-by-line to see what is relevant and what is not relevant to the story. i.e.: "Morning Dad," he greeted his father who fixed a weather machine sticking out of their roof." The roof and the weather machine are a 'red herring' that doesn't really serve the reader. Better I think: "Morning Dad. Yes, that's the last of my luggage."

Good luck

smartguy360 wrote 13 days ago

this book reminds me of John Carter I liked that so I'll definitely be giving this a read

squeezynz wrote 18 days ago

This story doesn't hang about, ripping along at a cracking pace but still giving the reader a sense of time and place and drawing colorful and intriguing characters. Great descriptions of the new and old world and looks to be a great adventure in the making.
Best of luck with this, I hope it does well
cheers
Louise
Cherished Castaway

Ted Cross wrote 33 days ago

I haven't read much YA, so this reminded me vaguely of A Wrinkle in Time in its feel. I did wonder whether the first three paragraphs were needed, as they are purely expository and it might be better to simply start with the actual story and work some of those details into it. Here are a few minor things I noticed as I was reading:

...who occupied every available space... -- the 'occupied' refers to the books while having the feel of applying to his mother, so I'd change occupied to 'filled'.

...got out of his bedroom with a sweat... -- I don't know your nationality, so this may just be a variance of language use, but from my American standpoint, this sentence was jarring.

...pushing a large luggage... -- this is odd to me as well. I've always seen it as 'pushing a large piece of luggage', as I think the term luggage may be plural.

'Up here, son' -- 'son' should be capitalized when used as a title like this, and indeed you do capitalize similar useage later on, such as two paragraphs after this one.

...air-defying ability... -- this jarred me, since it is gravity defying rather than air defying.

incase -- 'in case'

They were all precisely five feet from each other that... -- feels like something is missing, for example, 'They were all precisely five feet from each other, such that (or 'so that')...

Andrewallen82 wrote 77 days ago

I am a new author and would greatly appreciate a quick read it is only 5 chapters and think it a an a decent story so far and will return all reads will give me a chance. I am looking more for pointers than anything else if you love great, but if not please tell me all the same I WILL return the read and back it if I like it. Thanks David It is called Forsaken a not so human man who banished himself to the shadows for 60 years until now. Please consider I am new here and anything would be appreciated

Seringapatam wrote 89 days ago

I was drawn into this book at an early stage. There is a brilliant narrative voice here in the heart of this book and I can see good times ahead for it. Your MC is well described and the pace matches the character in every way. This is not normally for me but as it hooked me in the way it did, I didnt want to put it down at all. There is a great premise for the book and I loved it. I score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

sherit wrote 89 days ago

Lyle, I did come back! I was able to read the next chapter before getting ready for work. Curse you, man. I have about a dozen promised reads and two books I'm in the middle of with two more i'm hoping to get to (not mentioning my own book I need to edit and a second one i need to finish) but you made me want to read this....and in my humble opinion that, my friend, is the mark of a good story. I hope to see you rise quickly in the ranks and must find room for you on my WL for now. I tend to put books on my shelf and leave them until they make ED or leave. I'm not one of those shuffle them around kind of gals. Take care.
Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

sherit wrote 89 days ago

Hi Lyle...Hope this finds you well. I don't usually like fantasy type literature (oh well, Harry Potter nothwithstanding, but i read those for my kids and got hooked), but this was so well written and likeable I found myself getting drawn in. Chapter one had trouble loading...don't know if that happens to everyone, or is there's really nothing there...I read chapter two as numbered (but it said it was chapter one). I wish I had time this evening to read more, but it's almost 11 here (USA) so I'll try to return tomorrow. Very interesting premise and liking it very much, in spite of myself! Thanks again for your backing of my book. I'll be back!
All the best, Sheri Emery / Crazy Quilt

tjmurray83 wrote 138 days ago

Very original idea -- the premise hooked me right off. Then I read it and there's strong dialogue and characters. Interesting take on the "finding yourself in another world" subgenre, which usually has the characters giddy to be in the new world.
I'll shelf this and high star rate it.

Stark Silvercoin wrote 142 days ago

It’s quite rare to run across something special AND original in the fantasy genre, but The Boy from Earth fits that bill. Told from the point of view of a young boy who falls into a fairy tale, there is a wonderful dichotomy between his normal, mundane life and the fantastic, beautiful place he finds himself. In that respect, it has a bit of a The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe type of feel. But the world of Zajitar is more than just fantasy. There is a war going on between the fantasy-type creatures and the science-equipped Therador Empire. This mix of sci-fi and fantasy should appeal to readers of both genres.

Author L.B. Ven has crafted quite a story to go along with his fantastic setting. Every character seems real, even when they are obviously story-book fare. The dialog is perfect and does a great job of moving the tale forward.

I read all that was available here so far and think that if The Boy from Earth continues the way it has been going, that it should have a bright future ahead of it, crossing genres and attracting a large readership. At its heart it’s a good story, well-told. Everything else is just icing on this delicious cake.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Kate LaRue wrote 170 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

Kate LaRue wrote 170 days ago

Lyle,
This is quite a magical beginning, from the discovery of the glowing book to Jack being transported to a different place. The myths behind the Tagu-An give the narrative a mystical quality. Jack's mom's cooking adds to the tropical setting. I hope to have time to come back to this and read further. For now, high stars.
Kate

Mark Cain wrote 249 days ago

A fun tale! Having it start on Jack's 11th birthday is a bit Harry Potter like, but the story itself isn't.

There's some fun and sometimes funny lines in the first chapter, e.g., "In fact, he spent many a night in the dark with the closet door opened and inviting any monster to dare frighten him." I loved that. Also a book on THE HISTORY OF SHEPHARD'S PIE? LOL!

There was a typo in Chapter one: "I though a demon lives here" Think you meant thought.

I read through chapter six. The story is good, though it unfolds perhaps a little too leisurely. Remember, you want to hook your reader quickly, especially with a children's book.

Some of the names used in your alternative world are tongue twisters. I think it was in Chapter 6 that this particularly caught my eye. I did the same thing in my first book and had people comment on them. You want the names to be magical and exotic, but you don't want them to be hard to say or too foreign.

A lovely tale though, and I'm keeping it on my watch list to see how you do.

Best, and congratulations on a fun read!

Mark
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40009/hell-s-super/

rikasworld wrote 262 days ago

This is very original. The first chapter about Jack's family is hilarious and quite sad at the same time. Once he reached the other world, I really like the mixture of everyday and fantastic like the crimsroth being in a nature reserve. You have created some weird and wonderful foods and creatures. I like the pet bed rug, particularly when he blows his nose on it. Jack is a convincing character, his homesickness is a good touch, mainly book characters entering a new world don't seem homesick at all - which is odd.
There are some typos (just little things like a missing ed on gallop in the last para. of 5) but nothing that at all interferes with enjoyment of the read.
The plot sounds intriquing and the dialogue is great. Hugely imaginative. High stars, of course.

julia rush wrote 266 days ago

Dear Lyle:

Charming fantasy novel. A cross between C.S. Lewis and Roald Dahl. I adored the Narnia Series as a young girl and this is written just as well. I am shelving and starring. Good Luck!

Simone Marie
My Rhapsody

fledglingowl wrote 287 days ago

Lyle,
Very strange and delightful book. The story seems a bit higgelty-piggelty, going forward at tangents rather than a straight line. Felt the first chapter was a lot more polished than chapter two. Given you high stars and shelf space.
Short and long pitches are both excellent. Very sympathetic character in Jack, his parents seem so strange and he seems lonely and unhappy. Not sure how young people will react, he seems a bit woebegone for the hero - but then you point out he is the villain. Will try to get back for more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Dean Lombardo wrote 293 days ago

Hi L.B.
I am here for a return read. Your story is fun and imaginative -- a journey that at first grounds the reader in everyday reality and then slowly and cleverly transports him/her into a world of fantasy (e.g., the glowing book, the whistling turning into winds, and finally the transportation into the magical world). I also commend you on the the bits of history you were able to integrate through the natural-sounding dialogue of your young characters.
A few suggestions, all pertaining to Chapter 1 (autho Ch. 2), though I did read some of Chapter 2 (autho Ch. 3):

Where you say, "were only confined in books" -- I think I know what you are driving at, but even so "were confined to books" sounds more natural.
"though Jack was the least bit surprised" sounds odd. Usually this construction pertains to the negative and employs "wasn't." So if you do mean to say that Jack was indeed surprised, then I suggest you recast the sentence. Otherwise, say "though Jack wasn't the least bit surprised."
Where you say "he said in a pant," I think "with a pant" works better.
Is Pedro Jack's cousin. If so, you might wants to work in a quick, short and seamless line explaining HOW they are cousins straight away. It threw me that Jack seems like this pale-faced English boy living in the Phillipines while Pedro is this older, browner-skinned, Spanish-blooded lad, and as a reader the relationship didn't compute without a bit of explanation. Just my opinion, though.
I think this story is the right formula for today's market, and your pitch is compelling, so all the best in your efforts to sell it. Highly starred, Dean Lombardo, "Space Games"

Lucy Middlemass wrote 294 days ago

The Boy From Earth

This is a treat! I wish I’d discovered it sooner. I’ve read the first three chapters.

Both of your pitches are great. The “flying brother-in-law” made me want to get stuck in.

There’s so much humour in this. I love Dad on the ceiling, and the conversation about a robot themed party not being the same as a cyborg one. The tropical setting is interesting. You’ve used it skilfully to tell us about Jack’s fair complexion and the lit-up book.

Not sure about the inclusion of dwarves in this way. Some children have dwarfism, maybe some of your potential readers. Perhaps you could swap it for a mythical creature like a goblin?

In the second chapter, I really liked “But no amount of pinching…” and “after he blew his nose on it.” I like the daytime moon, too. Oh, and the porridge tasting “experimental.” Love that.
How could Jack know the old women were grandmothers? An old woman is not always a grandmother.

I didn’t think I had any space on my shelf but this book is going on it anyway.

Lucy

grantdavid wrote 309 days ago

Lyle, What a superbly written story for an oldie! Breezy,"chucklesome", fast-moving, going like a train through briskly moving scenes. I like Jack as MC, too. He's a real character, with ideal parents for such a story.
You get my vote: next available place on my Shelf and top stars,
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

Lourdes wrote 332 days ago

Dear Lyle,
This is indeed an enchanted tale for any age. It is magical and funny, and i enjoyed the first two chapters.
Some of the punctuation raised an eyebrow, but then again, it may be just me.
"You donated those to the orphanage last week, remember!"
"How do i get home!"
Of course these two sentences may be meant as statements rather than questions, in which case all is well.
A marvelously descriptive story with very interesting characters. Looking forward to reading more and wish i had more spaces on my shelf.
Highly rated and will keep in it line to be shelved.
Favourite sentence: "She gave the oven a swift kick, and it yelled back at her in Japanese."
Cheers!
Maria
The Path to Survival

Nanty wrote 334 days ago

CHIRG Review:

The Boy from Earth.
Chapter 1 - An intriguing title. Your first paragraph is super - loved the 'seventh being on purpose', made me laugh. I also liked things can change 'because of a book.' I think many adult readers would agree with this and it's encouraging to belief children will too.
Meters - Not sure if you are American, but would think so. I'm English and we spell it 'metre/s'.
'With his eyes affixed' doesn't read well - possibly - with his eyes fixed.
'they blankly stared' - this sounds awkward - perhaps - they stared blankly.
Breakfast sounds awful - children will love this.
Nippy reply from Jack - 'I think a fourth language at my age borders on child abuse.' Good way to let the reader know Jack is a very clever child, without labouring the point.
'Jack heeded' - sounds old-fashioned.
A nice bit of mystery regarding the book, where it's come from and who previously owned it.
The ideas various individuals have about Marble-Henge were very good and worked well, adding to its mystery.
This chapter is quite long for young children. Perhaps consider making one chapter into two - a good place to do this is when Jack sets off to see Marble-Henge with his cousin Pedro.

Chapter 2: Some lovely ideas here. A forest of giant mushrooms, a house shaped like a three-tiered cake (possibly a mini ziggaurat) and the upside-down island drifting in the sky.
Sayal and Tevarya - completely opposite personalities, came across well, through I think it might be an idea to introduce their names early than you have as the orange-haired woman and the brown-haired woman, got rather repetitive.
Another lovely idea, the sisters arguing grow younger!
Overall: As mentioned above there are some really lovely ideas in the story, though some of the language is a little stilted and some words eg: comprised, desolate, terrain - might be difficult for your targeted audience. Lots of mystery going on and a strange world children can explore with Jack. A nice read.
The above is just my opinion, nothing more and nothing less, and is intended to help. I hope it of some value to you, but if not...well ignore it.
Starred.

Nanty - Chrys!

Shelby Z. wrote 350 days ago

Okay I have to day your opener is very eye catching. Readers like myself love stories that have to do with books tons of books like the family has. Great hook there.
Also I like the idea for your story it is new and creative.
Your MC has a lot of special characteristics to him.
Your title is chosen well as is the cover.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

revteapot wrote 352 days ago

Kyle, I enjoyed this. The transition from one world to another is difficult to pull off, but you've achieved it convincingly.
Well done.
Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Cariad wrote 356 days ago

This is terrific! Really great I think. I loved the opening paragraphs, the description - so brief but so visual, and those little bits added on that just made me laugh - 'The seventh being on purpose.' etc.
So instantly readable and immersive and perfectly pitched for your audience.

'though Jack was the least bit surprised on his air defying ability.' - was not? and 'of' his air defying.... about?

I won't waffle on. I shall be carrying on reading, so if I come up with anything obvious or shocking or whatever, I'll mention it again. Meantime have big stars and a reserved shelf space as soon as my backlog is done. :)

Lyle B wrote 366 days ago

Thank you so much for the detailed critique! Will defnitely incorporate your constructive comments. Rgarding Chapter 2, I actually had several revisions as some thought the pace was too slow (due to a lack of dialogue) so that's why I hurried up with the expositions. But you made a great observation and I will try to find a way to maintain the 'momentum'.

Thanks again!

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

SirFurboy wrote 368 days ago

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

AeliusBlythe wrote 370 days ago

You have a really nice voice.

Only read the first chapter so far, but it's going on my shelf and I swear I'll come back for the rest of it soon!

minorkey wrote 371 days ago

Great pitch - hooked me in. Some sentences feel stilted but on the whole the first 2 chapters worked very well, gave me something of Jack's personality and homelife (and soon to be future in America) before everything changes. I haven't read any further yet, but for now I'm going to shelve this.

Cas Meadowfield wrote 375 days ago

Wonderful story wonderfully told. So many things to love; places in the sky- strange walking trees, and magical people.
really hope you get this published, as I want to know the rest...

Cas Meadowfield
The Wind Maker

Tod Schneider wrote 379 days ago

A well told tale! You launch quickly in an exotic setting, and keep us on the hook.
Thanks!
Tod Schneider
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Lyle B wrote 379 days ago

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.



Thanks for the crit and the backing! And you're right, Kristie, Chapter 2 does slow down the pace, which is why I made it as short as possible (only 6 pages). Chapter 3 has a lot more dialogue and exposition about the war, and also contains the catalyst for the MC to take matters into his own hands. But I will try and incorporate the war storyline sooner, definitely in Chapter 2.

Thanks again!!!

Kirstie wrote 380 days ago

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

Atieno wrote 382 days ago

The dialogue in this book must be the best in authonomy. I love this story. I love the premise, the history, the magic.
You just need to be on my shelve.
Star rated and watchlisted .
Josphine

Katie2112 wrote 383 days ago

Hi, just come across your book. What a great idea, children will love this escapism. On my watch list and highly starred.

A New Life wrote 384 days ago

A very interesting story so far. I like the fact that Jack gets transported away from his world to a new one. I'm glad that it is all moving very fast-keeps the reader interested. Good luck

sticksandstones wrote 390 days ago

Lyle,

You have a superb pitch, it drew my attention and gained my interest in reading your story. I really like the idea. The first couple of paragraphs form a captivating introduction. They're very nicely written and have a smooth fluidity to them. I like the way you contrast folklore with Jack's ordinary upbringing. The imagery of the dead scholars peering down is excellent, reminds me of Harry Potter.

I love the gravity boots (not an original idea as such, but always lots of fun). There's good dialogue here, interspersed with good expression. "No, that was Cyborg," great line! The Japanese oven is awesome, I want one! I think it's important for any fantasy novel to have a plentiful supply of unique ideas. Especially ideas which come together well and put a smile on your face.

I think the transition between Jack and Pedro being at Marblehenge . . . And then Jack opening his eyes to a different place/world, is perfectly done . . . Because Jack's eyes are still closed when this event happens, you've maintained a wonderful sense of mystery. There's enough description to make the story interesting, but not so much it gets bogged down or loses pace.

Lyle, I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is highly readable/polished writing. I'd be happy to read more and give it my support/backing. Highly starred!

Good luck,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

Zerin Mewa wrote 417 days ago

A good start! Think it fits the YA genre perfectly! The settings are really good and you get to the point quickly. It's kind of a mixture of genres, YA/ Adventure and Mystery (a good thing as it keeps the reader turning pages) Highly starred and backed! :-)

Ted Cross wrote 425 days ago

I haven't read childrens' stories in a long time, but this reads just like one I would have loved as a child. I love the mysterious book hidden behind all the others in the case. The one area for improvement that I can see is some misuses of the 'to be' form. For example in paragraph one the 'and was surrounded by' needs to be 'were surrounded by'. In paragraph two ',,,the scary noises coming from Jack's attic was a clunky weather-machine' the 'was' is wrong. It might be better as '...were caused by a clunky weather-machine.' Nicely done, and I wish you success in finding a publisher

kyeslater wrote 440 days ago

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

kyeslater wrote 440 days ago

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

Tod Schneider wrote 452 days ago

This looks like good fun for middle readers. I like the exotic locale.
Best of luck with this!

Candymace wrote 455 days ago

I loved the exotic setting and names in this. The writing is very good with appropriate vocabulary for the age group on the whole. The totally non-spiritual, non-fantasy parent idea works really well. A great tale for older children. Wonderful characters, Jack comes over really well. Candy.

David J Baron wrote 497 days ago

Hi LB

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

roundrobin1 wrote 535 days ago

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

roundrobin1 wrote 535 days ago

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

La Marmonie wrote 662 days ago

You have a fabulous story here! And a strong Main Character in Jack.

Your long pitch is well written and interesting, but I think your short pitch needs some clarity. It also needs to be punchy, as it is the first thing someone sees before reading the book.

From the 3rd pgh on, your story sails through.
The 4th pgh is even better, and from there it goes on really well. It is pacey, and things are happening all the time, which keeps the reader interested. This is especially important for children.

I really like your characters too. From the first one you introduce, the cook Flor, even though she says nothing, it shows her character and personality. She is busy. And when she needs to speak she does. I like Pedro too. You description of the mother is amusing and unexpected. But it shows her as a real person.

The dialogue in general is good and brings out the personalities well.

You have some lovely scenery included, without over-description, which is really effective. It paints a good picture and helps the reader to visualise the setting well. This is one where it just doesn't describe, but actually shows the reader what is happening - " But Jack was too distracted playing around the Marblehenge twirling from pillar to pillar as the breeze intensified." Brilliant!

I must say that your ending of Chapter 1 is really very effective. A wonderful hook! How can anyone not turn the page? For a child, it is just brilliant.

On the other hand,what doesn't work so well for me are these things, and in my opinion are fairly easy to change, but important, as they come right at the beginning of your book.

1. As I said, the short pitch needs some clarity. Here is an idea which you could use if you like:

Jack Dison has always been disappointed with life. Then he came across fantasy, and stumbled upon a world where Earth is a complete fairytale.

2. The first line of the book needs to be something that grabs the reader's interest. Bearing in mind your reader is a child.
My suggestion is:-

Jack Disors's family was anything but magical.

2. First line of pgh 2. My suggestion is :-

Inside the house was every kind of book, except fairytales.

Paragraph 1 and 2 needs some general shaping up , and some well flowing sentences that introduces the reader to your true style. At the moment it doesn't. But it is good that you introduce the reader to the place - the Philippines. The second pgh, is about the library, which is also good.

Please remember that these are my thoughts just as a reader. And I am just one person. Feel free to ignore it, but if I can help in any other way, let me know, and I will see what I can do.

Best of luck
Marilyn x


Wilma1 wrote 665 days ago

Good for its genre. Jacks story moves quickly and you dont have time to linger and absorb. Its an eclectic mix of mordern language and local that I found interesting t read. I am sure it will fit into the YA childrens sector well. The writer has a unique style.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

briantodd wrote 670 days ago

‘The Boy from Earth’ is a fantasy epic written with imaginative flare. Moons hovering a few feet above the land, lakes in the sky, shapeshifters and a soldier turning slowly to stone are only a few of the intriguing components of what sounds like a great adventure tale. I enjoyed the atmosphere you created in eleven year old Jack’s home. An only child in a house full of boring books and adults who constrain his imagination. The dialogue is great throughout and is the strength of your tale. The Stonehenge/Marblehenge druid/ witchcraft connections worked well and Jack as he finds himself in this strange land and then in the clutches of these strangers is an MC who I am keen to follow. There were a few nits though.
In the short pitch – ever since what?
In the long pitch – perhaps you tell us a bit too much.
Some grammatical puzzles eg ‘and bibles in every room that ghosts wouldn’t dare set foot in the house’. Sometimes you could shorten decription. I would get rid of a few of the adjectives ending in’y’ eg darkly, excitedly etc. Language such as ‘only child in the household’ could be ‘an only child’. However this sort of thing is easily fixed.
More of a problem was Jack’s experience as he found himself in the new land.
The writing could be more vivid here. The henge ‘not looking as worn as they once were’ in fact ‘covered in strange ornate carvings’ coupled with the disappearance of Pedro, followed by that ‘great wall of darkness’ should be a dramatic highpoint and it is rather vague and ill defined. Why not have Jack be knocked out falling out of a tree or off the henge and have an immediate more dramatic transformation? I intend to read on and comment again. The more action the better in this and your dialogue, which is action in a sense is very natural and convincing.

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 675 days ago

I think this book would make a good tv series, or jackanory
Gillian M.H.

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 678 days ago

I put 4 children`s books on my watchlist, and think yours is the best. A nice twist, Earth a mythical world. 6 *

GILLIAN M.H.

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