PENROSE - PRINCESS OF PENRITH

Superior, well written tale crafted with passion and attention to detail :)

Dark times of blood, of faith and sin,
The times of Viking's swords.
The book's plot rapidly begins
And will have fair award.

Four chapters are read. A catching read! The only thing I doubt is: Bewulf knows Brother Almein and Abbot of Durham doesn't?

High stars and be backed in 3 days.

My very best regards!
Valentine

Many thanks for your kind comments and the stars!
Best wishes,
John.

Hi John,

I am returning a read and have enjoyed reading the first three chapters of your book 'Penrose - Princess of Penrith.'

I could tell straight away that the story is well written and flows well, and I appreciate there has been a lot of research gone into its writing.

I liked the conflict between Eldred and his assumed son Grunwald, upon him wanting to visit his mother.

Penrose comes across as a very strong character, which is just as well.

It came as a surprise to me that military commanders made any army tactics prior to a battle in those days. Not that I am familiar with this time in history.

In chapter two I liked the fact that further conflict is introduced with Alpin mac Alpin's love for Princess Penrose not being reciprocated, and the fact he is determined to get her at any cost.

I liked the intrigue introduced as to whether Aiden has been spying upon Alpin mac Alpin, and the knowledge that the Saxons are intention to attack if the Scots don't convert to Christianity.

I thought Alpin mac Alpin and his men must have been exhausted by all the effort of marching before attacking Odin's Town. (Loved the name.) He doesn't seem to have much regard for the welfare of his men, yet expects their obedience.

My estimation of Alpin mac Alpin drops further when he ruthlessly rapes poor Princess Penrose.

It was sad the way Ap Thor died, although he seems glad to die as a Viking warrior.

I detailed piece of writing.

High stars.

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Thanks for your comments and the stars!
Best wishes,
John.

Reading this book gives the same feel as reading epic sagas. That format allows for the dissemination of information and action, as well as dialogue, but it also creates a sort of distance between the storyteller and the audience. I have found with my own writing that it's easy to become so enthralled by presenting the history that the story can sometimes get pushed back into the wings. It's something with which I constantly struggle. You have such a fascinating subject and a great plotline going here, personally I would like to see the characters and their stories step a little more front and center. They seem a little lost behind all the history and the political alliances. But that's only my opinion. Good luck, best wishes and stars from me!

Kathy

Reading this book gives the same feel as reading epic sagas. That format allows for the dissemination of information and action, as well as dialogue, but it also creates a sort of distance between the storyteller and the audience. I have found with my own writing that it's easy to become so enthralled by presenting the history that the story can sometimes get pushed back into the wings. It's something with which I constantly struggle. You have such a fascinating subject and a great plotline going here, personally I would like to see the characters and their stories step a little more front and center. They seem a little lost behind all the history and the political alliances. But that's only my opinion. Good luck, best wishes and stars from me!

Kathy

Hi John,

I am returning a read and have enjoyed reading the first three chapters of your book 'Penrose - Princess of Penrith.'

I could tell straight away that the story is well written and flows well, and I appreciate there has been a lot of research gone into its writing.

I liked the conflict between Eldred and his assumed son Grunwald, upon him wanting to visit his mother.

Penrose comes across as a very strong character, which is just as well.

It came as a surprise to me that military commanders made any army tactics prior to a battle in those days. Not that I am familiar with this time in history.

In chapter two I liked the fact that further conflict is introduced with Alpin mac Alpin's love for Princess Penrose not being reciprocated, and the fact he is determined to get her at any cost.

I liked the intrigue introduced as to whether Aiden has been spying upon Alpin mac Alpin, and the knowledge that the Saxons are intention to attack if the Scots don't convert to Christianity.

I thought Alpin mac Alpin and his men must have been exhausted by all the effort of marching before attacking Odin's Town. (Loved the name.) He doesn't seem to have much regard for the welfare of his men, yet expects their obedience.

My estimation of Alpin mac Alpin drops further when he ruthlessly rapes poor Princess Penrose.

It was sad the way Ap Thor died, although he seems glad to die as a Viking warrior.

I detailed piece of writing.

High stars.

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Thanks for your kind words. I hope you enjoy just as much the rest of the book.
Best wishes, John.

HF review based on the first two chapters

Penrose - Pincess of Penrith by J. Rapilliard

I see that this is a sequal to an already published book - and I can see why. This is an epic work indeed and must have taken ages to pull together.
I would suggest that the last paragraph be split for ease of reading. (Same with some others).
The information is way beyond my own knowledge of the area./ time and demonstrates a great deal of research and fact gathering. This is not an area I am familiar with and gather that it is a fictionalised account.

#
A number of characters are mentioned in the first part, but I quicly settled with this. I asume most are detailed in the first book.

A very detailed description.

This is indeed a great work and I am overwhelmed by the storyline. This is a book to be savoured, not devoured. An interesting contribution to the genre.

Omg what a dreadfully vivid picture you paint at the end of chapter two, of the ransacking and capture of Penrose.

I will read on.

Sheena
The Popish Plot

HF review based on the first two chapters

Penrose - Pincess of Penrith by J. Rapilliard

I see that this is a sequal to an already published book - and I can see why. This is an epic work indeed and must have taken ages to pull together.
I would suggest that the last paragraph be split for ease of reading. (Same with some others).
The information is way beyond my own knowledge of the area./ time and demonstrates a great deal of research and fact gathering. This is not an area I am familiar with and gather that it is a fictionalised account.

#
A number of characters are mentioned in the first part, but I quicly settled with this. I asume most are detailed in the first book.

A very detailed description.

This is indeed a great work and I am overwhelmed by the storyline. This is a book to be savoured, not devoured. An interesting contribution to the genre.

Omg what a dreadfully vivid picture you paint at the end of chapter two, of the ransacking and capture of Penrose.

I will read on.

Sheena
The Popish Plot

I have been studying archaeology for the past 40 years and based my novel on the Norse and Irish Sagas. The Vikings were the greatest civilisation of the time with influence from the Middle East to America. England did not really exist until William The Conqueror. Prior to his conquest, the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle was giving a biased account of the Saxon Kingdoms settled in the East and South of present day England. York (or Jarvik as it was then known ) was, like Dublin, founded by the Vikings.
Another aspect to consider is the spelling of place names, giving their origin. A by suffix is Viking while a burgh
suffix is Norman. Obviously your interest is accuracy, not a fictionalised account of what might have happened when fantasy might be more accurate than historical.
Another fact, not mentioned in my novel, is that Christianity was brought to these shores by the Romans and survived their departure in the Celtic (mostly Irish) fringe.
Best wishes,
John.

Wow. Have you even once picked up a history book in the process of writing this book? You have given a vague sense of a time when there were English, Scots, Welsh and Vikings living in Britain at the same time. You do not bother to identify the year or even the century in which the story is set.

You make up names for the kings and other leaders when there are (relatively) reliable genealogies for all of the kingdoms in Britain. You make up a realm apparently called Penrith where there is no evidence of British (i.e. Welsh) kingdom after the fall of Rheged in the 7th century.

Then there is the Christianity element. The Welsh and the Scots were both Christian before the English. There were two rival traditions, the insular and the Catholic, which was resolved as far as the Northumbrians were concerned in AD664 (the Synod of Whitby) and the Roman style then spread to the Welsh, Scots, Picts and Irish, although the progress was slow and there is a case to be made for the progress to have taken centuries in the more remote corners of the British Isles.

Durham was never the capital of Northumbria. It was not a religious site until the early 11th century, when the Community of St Cuthbert moved there from Chester-le-Street. Before that they had wandered for several centuries following their abandonment of Lindisfarne in the face of repeated Viking raids, which famously began in AD792.

Northumbria had several sites which could be called its capital. Bamburgh seems to have been important throughout the kingdom's history. Corbridge was also important and of course York was a major town until the Danes took it over. If a king of Northumbria was to take advice from a church leader, it would be from one of the following: the bishop of Hexham, the bishop of Lindisfarne or the Arcnbishop of York. Abbots were men of influence, but after the Synod of Whitby, their prestige was eroded as the continental model of Christianity replaced the insular one.

If you want to write historical fiction, please, please base it on historical fact.

Wow. Have you even once picked up a history book in the process of writing this book? You have given a vague sense of a time when there were English, Scots, Welsh and Vikings living in Britain at the same time. You do not bother to identify the year or even the century in which the story is set.

You make up names for the kings and other leaders when there are (relatively) reliable genealogies for all of the kingdoms in Britain. You make up a realm apparently called Penrith where there is no evidence of British (i.e. Welsh) kingdom after the fall of Rheged in the 7th century.

Then there is the Christianity element. The Welsh and the Scots were both Christian before the English. There were two rival traditions, the insular and the Catholic, which was resolved as far as the Northumbrians were concerned in AD664 (the Synod of Whitby) and the Roman style then spread to the Welsh, Scots, Picts and Irish, although the progress was slow and there is a case to be made for the progress to have taken centuries in the more remote corners of the British Isles.

Durham was never the capital of Northumbria. It was not a religious site until the early 11th century, when the Community of St Cuthbert moved there from Chester-le-Street. Before that they had wandered for several centuries following their abandonment of Lindisfarne in the face of repeated Viking raids, which famously began in AD792.

Northumbria had several sites which could be called its capital. Bamburgh seems to have been important throughout the kingdom's history. Corbridge was also important and of course York was a major town until the Danes took it over. If a king of Northumbria was to take advice from a church leader, it would be from one of the following: the bishop of Hexham, the bishop of Lindisfarne or the Arcnbishop of York. Abbots were men of influence, but after the Synod of Whitby, their prestige was eroded as the continental model of Christianity replaced the insular one.

If you want to write historical fiction, please, please base it on historical fact.

Manay thanks for your kind comments on my book. I hope you will find the time to read a few more chapters and enjoy tham as much .
Best wishes and compliemnts of the seaon,
John.

Hi J,
I just came across your book and after reading your pitch, I checked your first chapter to be able to send you my first impressions.

First of all, my sincere respects for your hands-on imagination. Each line is full of creativity, and your characters sound like they're living! Your narrative voice is sophisticated and easy to follow at the same time. You set the tone from the beginning and introduce the plot in a timely manner.

I wish I had more time to read or a print out copy of your book, but I'll be back to read some more to see how the story will unfold.

Highly starred and in my Watch List for further comments.
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

The Aidan in my book is not St Aidan but was a common name at the time.

I am intrigued by the implication that Saint Aidan was the one to found Furness Abbey in the vale of nightshade.
Also, your story seems to be of the same idea as Melvyn Bragg's book Credo, set at the time around the Synod of Whitby, with Saint Bega being the main character. (Although I am a Christian, I disapprove of the way that say, Saint Olav went about it. 'Convert to Christianity or die!' Not an approach that Vikings would relish!) Best wishes, Barbara Bland

I am intrigued by the implication that Saint Aidan was the one to found Furness Abbey in the vale of nightshade.
Also, your story seems to be of the same idea as Melvyn Bragg's book Credo, set at the time around the Synod of Whitby, with Saint Bega being the main character. (Although I am a Christian, I disapprove of the way that say, Saint Olav went about it. 'Convert to Christianity or die!' Not an approach that Vikings would relish!) Best wishes, Barbara Bland

Hi J,
I just came across your book and after reading your pitch, I checked your first chapter to be able to send you my first impressions.

First of all, my sincere respects for your hands-on imagination. Each line is full of creativity, and your characters sound like they're living! Your narrative voice is sophisticated and easy to follow at the same time. You set the tone from the beginning and introduce the plot in a timely manner.

I wish I had more time to read or a print out copy of your book, but I'll be back to read some more to see how the story will unfold.

Highly starred and in my Watch List for further comments.
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Dear John,

thank you for your invitation to read your book. I read a great deal in the genre, so looked forward to reading your epic with it's many historical threads and wide scope. I haven't read your previous book, so can only judge from this.
Firstly......as much as I appreciate that there is a great deal of background needing to be explained, I don't feel you have started this story in the best possible place. There is so much lead up, I lost interest before actually reaching the battle itself. I feel you have become so deeply invested in the political manouvering and motivations of the varied characters, that you've forgotten to give them any emotional resonance.
I kept on reading, hoping to find a character I could cheer for, or care anything about, but didn't find one that was anything more than a conversation among many conversations between different names. The death of Ap Thor was treated as a minor inconvenience with little or no emotional involvement either by the characters or the reader....his Viking send off was flat and described in the barest strokes.
As for Penrose.....I can only assume you are relying on your readers having already become involved with her and her loves in the previous volume....which is a shame, as there is little to go on here to engage the readers interest or sympathies - no emotional impact to draw in the reader and make you want to find out her fate.
There is obviously a need for historical accuracy in a story like this, but here I think you have sacrificed giving the characters a human emotional depth in place of a great attention to getting the details right.
There is the bones of an epic and exciting story here....but without engaging or sympathetic characters that a reader can feel for, there is only a sterile manouvering of figures on a chess board.
This is such a rich and action packed period in history that I would hope that your excellent historical detail and ability to keep the action moving could be peopled with characters that not only exist, but come alive as well.
Good luck with this book, and have rated and added to my watchlist.
regards
Louise
Cherished Castaway

HISTORICAL FICTION READERS GROUP

Penrose - Princess of Penrith
by J.Rappilliard

JR,
This is a formidable tale indeed, advancing with a Viking army, battle axes and shields at the ready. Your protagonist Penrose could be hellfire unleashed on the enemy but at the same time tender and loyal to friends, definitely a sympathetic character one would tend to root for. You paint your scenes with a fine brush, poesy in evidence as in "a sliver of moon stood next to the horizon reminding Penrose of happier times." Your dialogue is true to character, expressive and emotive. Backstory shines effectively through your narrative presented in a straightforward yet dramatic manner. Thank you so much for sharing this rare bit of history.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thanks for your comments.

I appreciate you have realised that the focus is on characters and relationships rather than on description. Perhaps you will care to read a bit more and further comment or perhaps rate it.

Best wishes,
John

Penrose: Princess of Penrith

I feel a bit out of my depth reviewing this. I’m not sure what is typical for the genre. I found it a difficult but well-written piece but I’m going to review it as well as I can, in the hope that I might be helpful.

Short Pitch - Inheritance might want a capital letter, since Survival and Revenge both have one.

Long Pitch - I like how brief and to the point this is, although it’s very similar to the short pitch. I don’t know who would read it without just having read the short pitch first.

I’ve read the first chapter, and like a lot of your other reviewers have said, it’s obvious that you have a great deal of knowledge about your subject which is really nice to see.
The second sentence is extremely long and could do with splitting up.
I like Penrose’s character straightaway from your description that she insisted on being trained to fight.
Why “but his mother was Welsh.”? It could say “and his mother was Welsh.”
I like the description of the relationship between Penrose and Ap Thor.
The last paragraph is very long, but does contain the unexpected switching sides of the Scots. I would have expected, like another reviewer said, more description of the battle. However, perhaps your focus is on characters and relationships rather than blood and gore and of course there’s nothing wrong with that.

This is a strong opening and a neat manuscript. A little splitting up of some of the longer passages would make it more reader-friendly but otherwise it’s a great start.

Lucy

Penrose: Princess of Penrith

I feel a bit out of my depth reviewing this. I’m not sure what is typical for the genre. I found it a difficult but well-written piece but I’m going to review it as well as I can, in the hope that I might be helpful.

Short Pitch - Inheritance might want a capital letter, since Survival and Revenge both have one.

Long Pitch - I like how brief and to the point this is, although it’s very similar to the short pitch. I don’t know who would read it without just having read the short pitch first.

I’ve read the first chapter, and like a lot of your other reviewers have said, it’s obvious that you have a great deal of knowledge about your subject which is really nice to see.
The second sentence is extremely long and could do with splitting up.
I like Penrose’s character straightaway from your description that she insisted on being trained to fight.
Why “but his mother was Welsh.”? It could say “and his mother was Welsh.”
I like the description of the relationship between Penrose and Ap Thor.
The last paragraph is very long, but does contain the unexpected switching sides of the Scots. I would have expected, like another reviewer said, more description of the battle. However, perhaps your focus is on characters and relationships rather than blood and gore and of course there’s nothing wrong with that.

This is a strong opening and a neat manuscript. A little splitting up of some of the longer passages would make it more reader-friendly but otherwise it’s a great start.

Lucy

Hi, Cara,
Many thanks for all your comments. They are very much appreciated.

I always give my characters names that reflect their origins. Welsh for the Welsh (Gwendwr, Gwendwlyn), Saxon for the Saxons (Aewulf, Bewulf, Cewulf), Norse for the Vikings (Thor, Elgar), Scottish for the Scots (Alpin Mac Alpin). Of course, Ap Thor being half Welsh and half Viking has a name which reflect both, Ap being a Welsh word meaning son of and Thor, Norse for hammer as well as being the name of a Norse God.

I hope you will read more of it or perhaps even get hold of a copy of my first book, The British Viking, now available as an ebook on Kindle/Amazon.

Best wishes,
John.

{Penrose – Princess of Penrith} – J. Rapilliard

I think you have a great premise here, and the seeds of an excellent story. Can I just make a little random comment, that it delighted me to see the names ‘Gwendwr’ and ‘Gwendwlyn’ and most of all ‘Gwynedd’. I used to have a huge obsession with King Maelgwyn of Gwynedd, but now, that is seriously off topic!

I like the complexity in this story, there is a lot of depth suggesting knowledge of the era – at least to make your details consistent, and the setting feel believable. I also like the way the story kicks off, with the imminent danger of battle. You also use dialogue well to bring in more info, thus varying the way it is presented to the reader.

My main point of advice would be that I felt the beginning lacked the sense of urgency I would expect with a battle about to take place. I think the details about the origins of the armies, the history and ascension of Kings/politics with the treaty etc… sort of dull down the gravity of the situation. Also, there is a lot of reminiscence, shifting back into time to tell of the events leading up to the present. I happened to notice that this is a sequel to an already published book (congratulations on that!) and so perhaps having read the other one first, I would feel that urgency more. I also know that the historical fiction genre does rely on these details. Perhaps a slight cutting back of the more minor ones might make the whole read more crisply. Maybe split up and cut down the longer paragraphs too? I definitely think that would at least visually help the pacing.

Nevertheless, this is me being particularly fussy, and you did hold my attention. I liked the end of chapter two when Penrose was captured, very gripping scene and high tension. Into chapter three and the pace is definitely picking up. Just one slight niggle I had (C3) was for some reason the line ‘I’m so proud of you!’ bugged me… maybe because it feels more modern? Would something like ‘My heart swells with pride at your accomplishments!’ fit better with the period? Just a thought :P

I’ve starred you highly and hope to return again soon. I also hope my comments were useful, and all the best with the series! Thanks a lot for your enthusiasm with ‘Dawn of Destruction’ too :)
Sincerely,
Cara

{Penrose – Princess of Penrith} – J. Rapilliard

I think you have a great premise here, and the seeds of an excellent story. Can I just make a little random comment, that it delighted me to see the names ‘Gwendwr’ and ‘Gwendwlyn’ and most of all ‘Gwynedd’. I used to have a huge obsession with King Maelgwyn of Gwynedd, but now, that is seriously off topic!

I like the complexity in this story, there is a lot of depth suggesting knowledge of the era – at least to make your details consistent, and the setting feel believable. I also like the way the story kicks off, with the imminent danger of battle. You also use dialogue well to bring in more info, thus varying the way it is presented to the reader.

My main point of advice would be that I felt the beginning lacked the sense of urgency I would expect with a battle about to take place. I think the details about the origins of the armies, the history and ascension of Kings/politics with the treaty etc… sort of dull down the gravity of the situation. Also, there is a lot of reminiscence, shifting back into time to tell of the events leading up to the present. I happened to notice that this is a sequel to an already published book (congratulations on that!) and so perhaps having read the other one first, I would feel that urgency more. I also know that the historical fiction genre does rely on these details. Perhaps a slight cutting back of the more minor ones might make the whole read more crisply. Maybe split up and cut down the longer paragraphs too? I definitely think that would at least visually help the pacing.

Nevertheless, this is me being particularly fussy, and you did hold my attention. I liked the end of chapter two when Penrose was captured, very gripping scene and high tension. Into chapter three and the pace is definitely picking up. Just one slight niggle I had (C3) was for some reason the line ‘I’m so proud of you!’ bugged me… maybe because it feels more modern? Would something like ‘My heart swells with pride at your accomplishments!’ fit better with the period? Just a thought :P

I’ve starred you highly and hope to return again soon. I also hope my comments were useful, and all the best with the series! Thanks a lot for your enthusiasm with ‘Dawn of Destruction’ too :)
Sincerely,
Cara

Hi, Myrmedons,

Thanks for your comments and the way you would write but then, it would be your book, not mine.
In my profile, I wrote that my other book, The British Viking, had been published both in paperback and as an ebook and that Penrose - Princess of Penrith is the sequel. People who would have read the first book, would be familiar with most of the characters and where the action take place. They would also realise that battles are only incidental to the story but what interests me is how they affect the various characters.
You complain about the lack of description of landscape, weapons and dress but do not mention the description of Alpin Mac Alpin's obsession with Penrose which is, to me, far more important or how Penrose deals with her grief when she learns of her husband's death.
In answer to your question as to whether such a battle took place in history, you must realise it is a work of fiction. The facts are: the Anglo-Saxon king of Northumbria wanted to extend his kingdom north of the Tweed and archaeological excavations have confirmed that battles took place in the Scottish Borders at that time. His plans were stopped when the Vikings attacked Lindisfarne.
Best wishes,
John

Hello J.
I read a few chapters of Penrose-Princess of Penrith, as I promised. I'm backing your book for the simple reason that I see in your writing a lot of fervor and dedication, love for the subject and the period in which the story develops and I want to encourage you to work on all your chapters with renewed efforts!
I'm not going to mention what others have mentioned, I'm sure you got that part assimilated. I'm only going to tell you what I feel about your writing...
Right off the bat, I think you need to situate a PLACE and TIME in which the book starts, even before you introduce anyone. Where does the first scene take place? It's a battle, or the preliminaries of a conflict, so: is it a battle that really took place in history? When? Where? How?...
Also, I feel that the book lacks description. I mean, along with setting each scenes (where, who...) you need to "show us" the scenes. Is it day? Night? Cold, hot? Muggy? Dry? Rainy? Does it take place in a forest? In a town? In a chieftain's hall? What kind of attires do the characters wear? There are several clans from different tribes, right? Some would wear tunics, or kilts, or leather pants, or great coats of fur... Again, what are they armed with? Some tribes prefer the long bastard sword, others the short semi-spatha, yet others fight with javelins or lances only...
Be descriptive, as descriptive as possible using many "picture words" without repetitions or awkward sentences. The words need to flow out from the readers' lips, taking them away from their everyday lives and into the universe of the book, they need to "meet" your characters without feeling like you're presenting them but rather getting to know them as the story develops.
The dialogues are great (although some feel like contemporary speech, not a good thing for a Germanic Vandal or a Celtic Scot, so try to make them sound like the words are uttered by the characters and not yourself) but you also need to let the reader know how the characters feel while saying what they're saying, how they are saying it (tone) and to whom in particular...
Put yourself in the shoes of the reader. He/she doesn't know anything about what you're writing (or at least, that's what you need to tell yourself) Educate them about that world and its denizens, SHOW the reader all the marvelous environment of that period (the trees, the mountains, the clouds, the brooks, valleys and creeks, the eagles, the lions, the bears...Oh, my. lol)
Keep working at it, it is a good story you're developing, worth all of your efforts to let readers know what happened in that day and age and the participants...
Nice first draft! I like it.

Hello J.
I read a few chapters of Penrose-Princess of Penrith, as I promised. I'm backing your book for the simple reason that I see in your writing a lot of fervor and dedication, love for the subject and the period in which the story develops and I want to encourage you to work on all your chapters with renewed efforts!
I'm not going to mention what others have mentioned, I'm sure you got that part assimilated. I'm only going to tell you what I feel about your writing...
Right off the bat, I think you need to situate a PLACE and TIME in which the book starts, even before you introduce anyone. Where does the first scene take place? It's a battle, or the preliminaries of a conflict, so: is it a battle that really took place in history? When? Where? How?...
Also, I feel that the book lacks description. I mean, along with setting each scenes (where, who...) you need to "show us" the scenes. Is it day? Night? Cold, hot? Muggy? Dry? Rainy? Does it take place in a forest? In a town? In a chieftain's hall? What kind of attires do the characters wear? There are several clans from different tribes, right? Some would wear tunics, or kilts, or leather pants, or great coats of fur... Again, what are they armed with? Some tribes prefer the long bastard sword, others the short semi-spatha, yet others fight with javelins or lances only...
Be descriptive, as descriptive as possible using many "picture words" without repetitions or awkward sentences. The words need to flow out from the readers' lips, taking them away from their everyday lives and into the universe of the book, they need to "meet" your characters without feeling like you're presenting them but rather getting to know them as the story develops.
The dialogues are great (although some feel like contemporary speech, not a good thing for a Germanic Vandal or a Celtic Scot, so try to make them sound like the words are uttered by the characters and not yourself) but you also need to let the reader know how the characters feel while saying what they're saying, how they are saying it (tone) and to whom in particular...
Put yourself in the shoes of the reader. He/she doesn't know anything about what you're writing (or at least, that's what you need to tell yourself) Educate them about that world and its denizens, SHOW the reader all the marvelous environment of that period (the trees, the mountains, the clouds, the brooks, valleys and creeks, the eagles, the lions, the bears...Oh, my. lol)
Keep working at it, it is a good story you're developing, worth all of your efforts to let readers know what happened in that day and age and the participants...
Nice first draft! I like it.

Hi, Mark5,

I'm glad you like my book. I have always been interested in archaeology, the Dark Ages, the Arthurian Legends and the Vikings. So, by the time I came to write my books, I did not need to do a great deal of research as I already knew quite a lot. My first book, The British Viking, published in 2008 as a paperback, was republished as an ebook last March on Kindle. Penrose - Princess of Penrith is the sequel and its first page, which seems to upset some people, recaps the first book. I am currently putting the finishing touches to my 3rd novel, a further sequel that will complete the trilogy (working title, The Penrith Chronicles).

Best wishes,
John.

Excellent work. I agree with other comments that the opening few pragraphs are quite name intensive but that's the genre so i'm happy with that. You have a nice style which flows well and your obvious enthusiasm and passion for the subject really shines through in the writing. It must have taken months of research to write a book of this type and for that alone I salute you and hope that the book storms up the chart. I will be putting this on my shelf once a space becomes available.
Kind regards
Mark

Excellent work. I agree with other comments that the opening few pragraphs are quite name intensive but that's the genre so i'm happy with that. You have a nice style which flows well and your obvious enthusiasm and passion for the subject really shines through in the writing. It must have taken months of research to write a book of this type and for that alone I salute you and hope that the book storms up the chart. I will be putting this on my shelf once a space becomes available.
Kind regards
Mark

They were no historical notes but fictional characters

QUOTE] Hi J,

I'm recommending Critique Circle to people on Authonomy who'd like to get some true editorial feedback.

I didn't read very much of your story. I was overwhelmed with names and logistics and didn't feel connected to any of the multiple characters you introduced. It seemed like I was reading your historical notes rather than a story.

Who is the story about and why should I care? These are the two things readers want to know.

Dialog is most interesting when it involves people at cross-purposes.

If you'd like an in-depth crit, please submit to CC (free) and contact me, (Kathryn) I'd be happy to help get you started.

Kathryn

Hi J,

I'm recommending Critique Circle to people on Authonomy who'd like to get some true editorial feedback.

I didn't read very much of your story. I was overwhelmed with names and logistics and didn't feel connected to any of the multiple characters you introduced. It seemed like I was reading your historical notes rather than a story.

Who is the story about and why should I care? These are the two things readers want to know.

Dialog is most interesting when it involves people at cross-purposes.

If you'd like an in-depth crit, please submit to CC (free) and contact me, (Kathryn) I'd be happy to help get you started.

Kathryn

Many thanks, John.

This time period and subject is of great interest to me as one of my ancestral lines came from that area and since I have Dupuytren's Contracture, it is thought that I must having Viking blood in my veins. Or at least ;Viking DNA.

The descriptions are excellent and the writing very well done, but I have to concur with Ann Campbell who mentions that there is a lot of telling and not showing with those long opening paragraphs. I, too, would suggest at the very least breaking them up. Her idea of starting with some dialogue would also help.

Even so, this is a book I would like to read and I have it w/l at the moment awaiting an opening. I have some books that I've been following for a while and want to give them a little more chance to get ahead. But yours is definitely in my lineup.

Betty K

This time period and subject is of great interest to me as one of my ancestral lines came from that area and since I have Dupuytren's Contracture, it is thought that I must having Viking blood in my veins. Or at least ;Viking DNA.

The descriptions are excellent and the writing very well done, but I have to concur with Ann Campbell who mentions that there is a lot of telling and not showing with those long opening paragraphs. I, too, would suggest at the very least breaking them up. Her idea of starting with some dialogue would also help.

Even so, this is a book I would like to read and I have it w/l at the moment awaiting an opening. I have some books that I've been following for a while and want to give them a little more chance to get ahead. But yours is definitely in my lineup.

Betty K

Planning to read more of this, it's on my watchlist. I love the period and the writing shows you've researched it well, without getting too archaic. I also like the fact that it's not the standard Christians defeating Pagans plot.
At the same time I have to agree that the characters are not differentiated enough; would some physical description and differing speech patterns help?

Also, there's a lot of telling and not showing, particularly in the few long explanatory paragraphs. At the least these need breaking up with white space (for ease of reading), ideally integrating with the dialogue and action. Alternatively, making them part of the action by showing the men marching, getting tired, collapsing wearily at stops. etc.

Have you thought of starting with dialogue, "The Saxons are on the march . ." and bringing in explanatory detail later. A short explanatory prologue would make this easier (admission: I've just worked on this for my 14th century 'Feast of Heretics').
Sorry if there's too much criticism but I'd love to see this after you've worked on it a bit, it sounds like the kind of story I'd get happily lost in.
Ann

Thanks for your comments. Penrose - Princess of Penrith is the sequel to The British Viking (published four years ago and still available from Amazon) Since you like this period of history, perhaps you will care to read it and then let me know how I could have recapped the story and reintroduce the various characters at the start of the sequel. For new readers, of course, it looks like a heavy opening.
I have put your book Wormholes on my bookshelf. Perhaps you could put mine on yours when you have read more of it.

This is a period of history I love and I shall continue reading. I would say that for me, the opening, for such a dramatic story is rather lacklustre. The first sentence is weak: ‘It was going to be a terrible battle.’ You might as well have been saying, ‘It looked like rain.’
The same goes for the opening paragraphs, too much information handed over in too dry a style. I know you have to give some explanations, but could you not work some of the family links into the dialogue?

When you say ‘A year ago’ and ‘a few days ago’ the time scale is wrong. Try ‘in the previous year,’ something along those lines.

The dialogue strikes me as too homogeneous. The characters all have to speak in English obviously, but could you differentiate them a bit, use a bit of Norse dialect for the Vikings, an Irish sentence structure for the Irish and so on?

The action, when it came was I felt, a bit perfunctory. Too much description of manoeuvres and not enough gore for me!

All of these are the comments of a complete novice, to take as such. As I said, I love things Viking and I’ll continue reading to find out how Ap Thor gets Penrose back. I’m keeping it on my WL and giving it high stars for tackling a difficult subject in such a competent way.
Cheers
Jane

This is a period of history I love and I shall continue reading. I would say that for me, the opening, for such a dramatic story is rather lacklustre. The first sentence is weak: ‘It was going to be a terrible battle.’ You might as well have been saying, ‘It looked like rain.’
The same goes for the opening paragraphs, too much information handed over in too dry a style. I know you have to give some explanations, but could you not work some of the family links into the dialogue?

When you say ‘A year ago’ and ‘a few days ago’ the time scale is wrong. Try ‘in the previous year,’ something along those lines.

The dialogue strikes me as too homogeneous. The characters all have to speak in English obviously, but could you differentiate them a bit, use a bit of Norse dialect for the Vikings, an Irish sentence structure for the Irish and so on?

The action, when it came was I felt, a bit perfunctory. Too much description of manoeuvres and not enough gore for me!

All of these are the comments of a complete novice, to take as such. As I said, I love things Viking and I’ll continue reading to find out how Ap Thor gets Penrose back. I’m keeping it on my WL and giving it high stars for tackling a difficult subject in such a competent way.
Cheers
Jane

This book is a sequel to the previously published novel The British Viking still available from Amazon and bookshops. Historically, the King of Northumbria was trying to extend his kingdom through the Scottish Borders. Place names and archaeology confirm that battles took place. The rest is fiction.

I read through most of chapter 3. I admire writers of historical fiction, and you certainly did your homework, paying attention to detail. You might want to take a look at some of your phrases. They seemed a bit modern for the ambience you are trying to paint. I enjoyed the strong character of Penrose, but I wonder at the rape scene at the end of chapter 2. I wanted more of an emotional reaction to the violation of her very person, her soul. Maybe that emotion is expressed at a later time.
As the reader I wonder if Ap Thor will be able to rescue Penrose or will she be able to ecape, fight her way out of her captivity? (something I'm sure she's very capable of.) I like the interaction between Penrose and Ap Thor. The way they respect each other is admirable, but I wanted a more intimate picture.
Highly researched piece of historic fiction.
Did this battle and all this fighting between these factions really take place at the dawn of Christendom in this part of the world?
Good Luck with your story!
Highly starred and watchlisted!
Georgia
The Woman From E,A,R.L.

I read through most of chapter 3. I admire writers of historical fiction, and you certainly did your homework, paying attention to detail. You might want to take a look at some of your phrases. They seemed a bit modern for the ambience you are trying to paint. I enjoyed the strong character of Penrose, but I wonder at the rape scene at the end of chapter 2. I wanted more of an emotional reaction to the violation of her very person, her soul. Maybe that emotion is expressed at a later time.
As the reader I wonder if Ap Thor will be able to rescue Penrose or will she be able to ecape, fight her way out of her captivity? (something I'm sure she's very capable of.) I like the interaction between Penrose and Ap Thor. The way they respect each other is admirable, but I wanted a more intimate picture.
Highly researched piece of historic fiction.
Did this battle and all this fighting between these factions really take place at the dawn of Christendom in this part of the world?
Good Luck with your story!
Highly starred and watchlisted!
Georgia
The Woman From E,A,R.L.

Thanks for your comments. Penrose is a sequel to another novel of mine, The British Viking, which was published 4 years ago and is still available on Amazon. Therefore, the beginning of Penrose recaps the previous novel and starts where it left off with a few cliffhangers. Perhaps if you were to get hold of my first novel, you will get a different opinion. I fully realise it might be heavy going at first but I could not extend the beginning too much for those who had already read The British Viking. This is the problem with sequels.
I hope you will enjoy the rest of the story. Best wishes, John

Interesting start to your book, but it's very blunt and it puts the reader off a bit under they get to the end. Maybe consider starting with the dialogue and then working the history into it. It just feels like a very straight and a little boring way to introduce the idea. You have a great dialogue going and the characters are interesting. I might consider placing it on my bookshelf, but at the moment I have a list waiting. I will send this to some friends though and see what they think. I wish you the best of luck. Highly Rated!!

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Interesting start to your book, but it's very blunt and it puts the reader off a bit under they get to the end. Maybe consider starting with the dialogue and then working the history into it. It just feels like a very straight and a little boring way to introduce the idea. You have a great dialogue going and the characters are interesting. I might consider placing it on my bookshelf, but at the moment I have a list waiting. I will send this to some friends though and see what they think. I wish you the best of luck. Highly Rated!!

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Well written and unique, because there aren't too many books out there like this. Completely creative!
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving WInds

Fabulous. Already backed (I think) but will gladly do so again. This story really takes us away and captures the mood, a great piece of work.

Best of luck.

Jack Hughes

The Anglo-saxon sources are too one-sided and very unhelpful. Viking and Celtic sources give a far better idea of the times. I have put your book on my bookshelf and hope you will find time to read mine. A word of warning though, the Vikings are the good guys! best wishes, john

Hello , I've tried to write about this period myself , beginning with the attack on Lindisfarne and incorporating some elements of the Anglo-Saxon poem 'The Wanderer' , but had to give it up as too difficult , so I am full of admiration that you have taken on the Dark Ages , for which sources are so few. The writing is clear and incisive and conveys an extraordinary amount of information , you have obviously done your research and know which direction you are headed . I shall look forward with interest to reading the rest of the book. Watchlisted and starred . With best wishes , Strachan Gordon.Hopefully I will be able to back you.

Hello , I've tried to write about this period myself , beginning with the attack on Lindisfarne and incorporating some elements of the Anglo-Saxon poem 'The Wanderer' , but had to give it up as too difficult , so I am full of admiration that you have taken on the Dark Ages , for which sources are so few. The writing is clear and incisive and conveys an extraordinary amount of information , you have obviously done your research and know which direction you are headed . I shall look forward with interest to reading the rest of the book. Watchlisted and starred . With best wishes , Strachan Gordon.Hopefully I will be able to back you.

I read through your first chapter. You come across as clean and professional. I did not see anything that made me want to stop reading or question the grammar(Although, I am not an expert). I can see how lovers of history would enjoy this, especially Scottish history. The one thing I could have done without was the "Who is who" that is going to battle. But, I think it distracts from the story at first when you could just focus on a battle coming and the tension to build in the reader. I'm not an expert though, so feel free to ignore me. :) I hope you get a chance to check out Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Best of luck to you with your book!

Ashley

- Penrose : Princess of Penrith -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

It's clear from the off here that the author knows what he is doing in terms of the history, politics, battlefield tactics and men of rank during the period. As the reader, you sense the pre-battle tension and feel secure that you are in the hands of a writer who knows their subject. The writing itself is also very competent, polished and well edited.

There were, however, a few issues which prevented me from engaging with the story as much as I would have liked to. Before I get into these issue, I should say I am fully aware these are just my opinions. I am a complete novice as an author so make no claim to being right about these things.

Firstly, there is a lot of information and a lot of introduction to different charcacters at the beginning and I found it very difficult to keep track of who was who and the history between the characters.

Secondly, and this compounded the first issue for me, was that the dialogue stands very much alone and I couldn't get a grasp of the characters as they spoke. I needed to be able to either know what they looked like, see their mannerisms or hear how their voices sounded. In general, I found it quite difficult to connect with the characters as I felt I was merely hearing them speak rather than feeling their eperiences. The exception to this was with Penrose in chapter two as her ordeal immefiately brings the reader onto her side. This I found very well handled.

A minor issue, in the second chapter, was that I found the fight scene a little abrupt and difficult to picture.

As I say, the groundwork here is very good and the author can obviously write well. There were just a few elements which prevented me personally from connecting with the story. I am sure, however, that there are many readers who would connect with and enjoy the novel.

All the best with it,

Ross

Hi J,

I have now found some time to read your work, but unfortunately, I don't think I can be very helpful. My two least favorite genres are historical fiction and fantasy. I never read either one, and when I find myself trying to, I get hopelessly lost.

That's what happened here. I found too many names in the very first paragraph, and I just found it overwhelming. I tried to read on and became further confused.

This is more about me than about your work. I'm sure that, wtih fantasy popular here, you will find people who can effectively evaluate you work.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.

Wishing you all the best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

Dear Joshua,

Thanks for your comments and I am so glad you enjoyed the book. Please remember that this is the sequel to my first book, The British Viking, published in 2008 and still available from Amazon and bookshops. Therefore the first chapter in a way refreshes the memory of those who read the first book as well as bringing any new readers abreast of the action.

I feel somewhat overwhelmed with your praise, especially that is was well-edited and polished as it rewards me for the time spent rewriting it many times.

Best of luck with your own book
John

I love this time period in history, and I was immediately hooked with the impending battle.

The conversation at the beginning is quick moving, avoiding unnecessary dialogue tags. In this regard, the pacing is excellent. You have a natural, easy flowing writing style that moves this along at a nice speed.

This is well-edited and polished. It was nice to sit back and enjoy this read. You're a talented writer.

I like how the entire first chapter builds in tension until the final paragraph when the battle erupts.

Suggestions: This begins with a pretty large info dump about the history of the four armies and their leaders. While it is important to establish the history, I think it would be much stronger to begin your novel with conflict and work the history into your story throughout this conflict.

Though the pacing of your dialogue feels real, their words don't always fit the time period. This is one of the greatest challenges of writing historical fiction. I'd see if you can inject the time period into their words, add some dialect, make it more realistic. For example, I found it hard to believe Ap Thor would shout, "Thanks!" This feels too modern at times.

Finally, I recommend breaking up the last paragraph. It's huge, and you don't want any important details to be lost inside it.

Despite my nitpicks, this is fascinating story with a strong start from a talented author. Good job!

I love this time period in history, and I was immediately hooked with the impending battle.

The conversation at the beginning is quick moving, avoiding unnecessary dialogue tags. In this regard, the pacing is excellent. You have a natural, easy flowing writing style that moves this along at a nice speed.

This is well-edited and polished. It was nice to sit back and enjoy this read. You're a talented writer.

I like how the entire first chapter builds in tension until the final paragraph when the battle erupts.

Suggestions: This begins with a pretty large info dump about the history of the four armies and their leaders. While it is important to establish the history, I think it would be much stronger to begin your novel with conflict and work the history into your story throughout this conflict.

Though the pacing of your dialogue feels real, their words don't always fit the time period. This is one of the greatest challenges of writing historical fiction. I'd see if you can inject the time period into their words, add some dialect, make it more realistic. For example, I found it hard to believe Ap Thor would shout, "Thanks!" This feels too modern at times.

Finally, I recommend breaking up the last paragraph. It's huge, and you don't want any important details to be lost inside it.

Despite my nitpicks, this is fascinating story with a strong start from a talented author. Good job!

after reading and enjoying the first novel, the british viking, this book was a perfect follow on....... it is an enjoyable read and quite gripping in parts........... the ending is a bit wet but is also an ending to continue on and i hope there is a follow on to this book.......

Many thanks for noticing the typo error.

Hello. I've read the first chapter, and have skimmed a few others at random. I must say, you write well in an easy, flowing style. Your dialogue is convincing and characters well drawn. The only comments I can make at the moment, - firstly your pitch - a typo - Penrose fight for survival - should be fights. My other comment is would you consider starting Ch 1 with an active scene? As it is, the solid blocks of informative text containing unfamiliar names may be a bit off putting, which would be a shame as when the dialogue starts the story really gets going. I'll read on! Best wishes, Val (Midwyf)

Hello. I've read the first chapter, and have skimmed a few others at random. I must say, you write well in an easy, flowing style. Your dialogue is convincing and characters well drawn. The only comments I can make at the moment, - firstly your pitch - a typo - Penrose fight for survival - should be fights. My other comment is would you consider starting Ch 1 with an active scene? As it is, the solid blocks of informative text containing unfamiliar names may be a bit off putting, which would be a shame as when the dialogue starts the story really gets going. I'll read on! Best wishes, Val (Midwyf)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - let me know. :) Love, Susie :)

Penrose - Princess of Penrith is now fully uploaded. I look forward to reading your comments. Best wishes, John

I like the book, I always enjoy reading different characters angles of the same story. Good job, I will continue reading!!

Many thanks, when complete will you put it on your bookshelf? Also do you fancy reading the prequel (The British Viking) published 2 years ago, would give background on many of the characters.

I like the book, I always enjoy reading different characters angles of the same story. Good job, I will continue reading!!