Water Goblin

i like this story. its cute and it reads easy. i like the characters too and how well everything is described. there are a few mistakes, but thats just me being knit picky. good luck with this!
melissa :)

This is entertaining and quick to read. I really like the character of the water goblin, and you describe his world in detail. Elen is a sympathetic protagonist, and the journey to help his father will appeal to young readers. You do a good job of introducing the reader to your world, and the quality of the writing kept me turning the pages. A great start, highly starred!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Daniela’s Water Goblin used to have the best moment in an authonomy book. I say used to because I found out that she rewrote the entire first chapter and deleted it. :( I hope she saved it so she can show everyone. But she still wins the award.

AWARD: BEST MOMENT IN AN AUTHONOMY BOOK 1ST PLACE

Water Goblin.
by Daniela Pitakova.

The book starts off very well and continues with some very colorful writing.
I likened it to ‘Alice in Wonderland’ at times; it has a kind of innocence as the book unfolds.
It’s certainly a nice children’s book that will be accepted by many youngsters.
Good characters, Elen and the Water Goblin.
A very intriguing story that will captivate a young audience.
I like it…I think it will do well… star-rated high.
Well done, Daniela

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

First Chapter, refreshing to read first-person present tense, that format always seems to read fast. To be honest, I don’t think you even need your last paragraph, it just sort of restates things. You have an excellent knack for dialogue. I think dialogue shouldn’t be used as exposition, but more for characterization, and I think you do that well. Fun, cool little creatures are exciting to read about. When I was young I’d have loved this, I can tell. It’s a little too young for me now, but I’ll send the link to my niece.

On a side note, the way you write lends to fitting a lot of scenes into a little space, meaning you don’t spend a page describing a toothbrush, you get to the point and wisp the reader around quickly. Which makes me think you should try and keep this final edit as short as possible and maybe hook up with an artist and make it an illustrated novel.

Good job and good luck.

I read the first chapter and the half of the second. It reads SO MUCH better! I remember my earlier reading of the water goblin and compared to it, you have made huge steps forward.
It definitely is a first draft, from the looks of it, as it needs tending to its punctuation, typos, paragraphing etc...

Also. In the second chapter, you are overusing the first person perspective by describing what your MC literally does. "I grew tired." "I walk endless hours." The reader does not need to know every single step of your character, for it stretches too much prolonging the action. You could cut and trim those parts of the second chapter -only in the beginning of it, to make it run smoother.

All in all, a very good job, Daniela.

There is a nice, easy quality to this. You say it's a story passed down from generations and it really does have that storyteller quality to it. It feels like one of those dusty fairytales that have been around forever, and apparently it has. I mean dusty in the best way, like an old book of them. I hope it makes sense :) Dialogue is great too but mostly I just love the magical feel this has. This feels like one of the hidden gems around here, one that should be having more praise!

High stars for now and I'll definitely back it soon.
Missy

I really like this story. It feels like any other ordinary fairytale but with a lot more heart and a little bit more reality (poverty and illness). I think this will appeal to children and adults alike. It's a timeless tale and I enjoyed it so far!

Water Goblin

I was intrigued by your title. I see that this is based on a well known east European character who could become a well known western one as well I guess.

The first thing I note is your use of English. I am very well familiar with this kind of English for a variety of reasons so I am anticipating missing articles and such like. I shall not dwell on this issue however. I would be surprised if you were not already aware of it and, in seeking publication, you would probably need, at the very least, a very close edit to be completed.

Short Pitch: here straight away we encounter that problem. Your meaning is not clear. I guess it should say ‘Elen has forgotten why…’

Long pitch: I myself am not much good at pitches but I can tell you that yours is far too long. You effectively tell the entire story in these three paragraphs. You need to make it much shorter and use it to sell the story, rather than tell the story. There is also a more substantive issue which you need to be aware of: no publisher is going to produce a children’s book containing a blatant politically incorrect phrase like ‘mad house.’ Also the phrase ‘Children's house’ is not really applicable in modern western environments. I think you will need to think of more appropriate scary outcomes.

Prologue: we are introduced to this strange character. Immediately one sees the possible educational relevance of this guy. For no reason other than unreasonable fear, the villagers attack the Water Goblin. Good premise, and where you have: What is happening? Presents a perfect opportunity for reading parents to make a point.

C1: I’m thinking all the way through this about how you could increase the relevance to a modern audience. I picture a parent reading this story to a child. I think you would certainly need to be connected up with a good illustrator.

C2: I can see the Water Goblin as a very popular character, remembering that children love monsters of all kinds.

It was great. I lovecd Dash, the name and the dialogue and action that you created. I also like the magical terms you employ like the "ministry of Galonia." You have invented a great novel here and I am looking forward to were it can go. I loved the length of the chapter, not too long, not too short. It was just enough to keep me turning the page and your ending was great. Hope to see this one do well. You deserve it!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Let me start with what I didn't like. This is something that I tell more than 80% of the authors on their first chapter: split the chapter in two. It's too long. In your case it's on the fence of being fine and being too long. I feel a good spot to end the chapter is right after the Water Goblin sat at the edge of the pond (I will talk more about this scene in a bit).

"My dear, my dear . . ." this part seemed a little confusing to me at first read. The second time around I was kind of okay with it. Just take a look at this and the sentences that come after it. I can't think of anymore bad except maybe tell us the age of Elen from the start. I like to know what I'm looking at.

Okay, the good. That Water Goblin prologue was a masterpiece to me. Why? Because it caught me on an emotional level. I could feel the pain of this friendly 'man' (Water Goblin. I felt like saying 'man' because he I saw him more as a man then creature or monster or even Goblin. He was just different. Just Green. Plus, you use 'man', too). He was only trying to be polite and friendly and all he got was rocks thrown at him and was made fun of. There were so many superb moments during this prologue I can't even say all of them. One that stuck out was when he said a simple 'good day' to everyone. To me it said he was okay with who he was and had forgotten about what he looked like. He wasn't scared or wasn't nervous about being around the villagers. He seemed normal, happy. He almost seemed like he would actually get a response from the people. But then it all got quiet. THAT was another great moment. Not that often do I find things that give me the chills or hit me strongly and make me say WOW. This part was one of them. And then they threw rocks and I my heart just melted for the guy. I felt sooo bad for him.

Oh, I would get rid of "What is happening?" I think it would work better without it. I rather not know what he was thinking at that moment and it didn't seem to quite fit with how I thought of who he was and what he would do and say. Him running 'clumsily' was a great image. That's what made me sad and emotional. A man fighting something would not be able to run swiftly or straight he would run weirdly(clumsily) like he did and I connected with him right then. And he never stopped running and went right into the pond. I absolutely loved when the frogs croaked "What happened to the Water Goblin?" They were magicaly frogs who were able to talk. That made me image a magical world in which the Water Goblin was a part of and made me VERY intrigued to continue on.

The idea that a hundred of years past was a perfect idea. You couldn't have done that any better. We would have to guess what happened with the green man. Did he stay in seclusion forever? I mean for those 100 years? Or did he have a magic world he went to?

When the boy came, I couldn't help think if he was somehow linked with the green man. I don't know why but I did. I am loving the story at this point, wondering where it was going to go. I wanted to see what happened to the Water Goblin the most. But I was most definitely fine with this story. I assume it was going to be a part of or connect with the Goblin world. And then . . .

You just wrote this one paragraph . . . 'That night rain came over the village . . .' OMG! I had goosebumps through that entire part. The green man was out of his 'world/hole/pond/wherever he was for 100 years' enjoying the rain with his hands out. That image and his happiness was sooooooo clear in my mind. I was in total shock when I read that. That was more than anyone has EVER done on this site (except maybe one other person with his duck book). I was in complete aw. That green man had forgot again or so it seemed to me and was enjoying life. He was happy. That paragraph was a master of the craft of fantasy. It was something I will never forget. With that said nothing in your story could compare to that. not even the beginning. Everything else seemed just . . . normal. Normal writing. Normal characters. Don't get me wrong it was good. But I'm talking about what I think may be one of the best thought-provoking emotional moments in all the first chapters I have read on this site. And I have read way over a hundred. And even compete with some of my favorite moments from published work. 6 stars is probably what you knew I was going to give you. However, the bad news is that I can't put you on my shelf right now. :( I'm very sorry but I just changed my entire shelf and I have to keep them on there more that just a couple of days. But it's definitely going to be on my shelf soon. I just don't know when yet.
Nightdream
I am so happy that I spammed you. I guess a good thing did come out of it. I don't know if any of the rest of your story will come close to that happiness in the rain moment but I will come back and see if you can when I empty out my watch list.

Love the prologue, and you have an enchanting style of narration. Great title and a fun read.

Susanne

Hi Daniela! I had time for Chapter 9 this morning and I enjoyed it immensely, as well as all the previous chapters. I liked the part when Elen sees a dream about her father and the boy and wonders what her real reason for coming into the forest was. I hoped she’d remember, but I think that’ll happen a bit later. When there’s more of Water Goblin in Authonomy I’ll take a look. Here are a few suggestions for you on Chapter 9:
- Elen was sitting on the half trunk again, feeling lost, Red was nowhere to be found. [consider, ‘with Red nowhere to be found.’ or arrange it as a separate sentence];
- She pulled it out by its stem and to her surprise there was golden paint writing was on it. [there was golden paint writing on it. – no ‘was’ a second time];
- Was Red here? How did he do that? … May be that is [Maybe] … There was something strange with that handkerchief otherwise [handkerchief, otherwise];
- Elen sat at the edge of the pond, her feet were immersed … May be she should leave [Maybe];
- The rock to the palace was slightly opened, so Elen had a peak. [consider, ‘so Elen sneaked a peek’ – not ‘peak’];
- As they did not need seats, them being fish they swam [them being fish, they swam – perhaps like this];
- Goblin laughed to himself, he knew he would be the winner … it entertained him to see his opposition loose. [lose];
- The fishes looked angry and bothered … it thought was not needed then take [not needed, then];
- Elen was amazed watching this strange game happening … her movement send waves [sent waves];
- “Would you mind me asking what you are playing?” [maybe “…playing at?”];
- Goblin nearly jumped to his feet but held himself from doing it. [‘from doing so.’];
- “Well join us and you will experience it for yourself.” Goblin offered [“Well, join … yourself,”];
- Elen continued to play the game … Goblin could not stand loosing the next time. [losing the next time];
- “Congratulations Mr. Green. You are a genius,” [“Congratulations, Mr. Green.];
- The worse side got hold of him, he got up abruptly [no need for ‘abruptly’ because of the beginning of the sentence] … and all the player’s stunned faces [players’];
- Goblin did not answer, he left the room [consider putting either a full stop or a semi-colon after ‘answer’] … she lay on the bed rather lifeless. [the use of ‘rather’ is a bit odd; consider omitting it];
- While she dreamt she had pains in her stomach not her chest. [maybe, ‘in her stomach, not her chest’];
- Was it possible that an animal could be a human … No it can’t, can it she pondered. [can it? she pondered.];
- The palace looked ever so tidy or rather immaculate [consider, ‘The palace looked ever so tidy and immaculate];
- She found herself smiling when Mr. Green did not catch a firefly, his effort was tremendous, he swayed from side to side [consider, ‘She found herself smiling when Mr. Green did not catch a firefly. With tremendous effort, he swayed from side to side] … Elen clapped her hands in an approval. [maybe ‘in approval’];
- “Wow” he could not believe [“Wow!” He could not believe – perhaps like this];
- When they finally managed to catch all fourteen fireflies … whereas Goblin was staying in [whereas Goblin stayed in – I think it’s better with Indefinite than Continuous here];
- “If you would like to stay, we will be playing another game [better ‘we’ll play another game’] … of interest to you my dear.” Goblin spoke [of interest to you, my dear,” Goblin spoke].

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

I read through your first two chapters, and I think you have a cute story. The descriptions of the Water Goblin’s peculiar home and habits are fun—kids will love that. The characters are fun. The overall story and premise are fun.

It looks like you already have some long lists of suggestions for help with your prose, so I’ll try to keep mine brief.

You do have a number of challenges with grammar in the prose, particularly with leaving out connecting words for example: “…a child screamed pointing at the green man with frog limbs and unusual green face. The child grabbed his mother’s hand, pulled it violently.” It should read more like: “…a child screamed, pointing at the green man with frog limbs and [an] unusual green face. He grabbed his mother’s hand and pulled on it.” (I would omit the adverb violently here too because the idea of “violently” is already shown pretty well through the action of the child pulling on the mother’s hand—a common writing choice thing rather than a grammar or language issue :-).

Just another thing is maybe try to do more “showing” and less “telling” in your story. (Like the example above with the adverb). In children’s stories you can get away with “telling” a little more often, but mostly just try to trust that the readers will mostly know when something is “desperately,” happening and things like that. Adverbs are a good place to check for that about half the time in most people’s prose.

My impression from looking over your writing is that English may not be your native or primary language—and I think it’s brave of you to be writing this story in English. And I think this is wonderful that you have put your work up here and opened it up for feedback.

That being said, if you’re writing this for fun, maybe consider writing the story in the language that you’re most comfortable and familiar with and share it with your family and friends. It might make the storytelling an easier journey for you. Just one thought.

If you want to keep giving this a brave go in English, maybe have a friend thoroughly look over part of your manuscript to help you smooth out the grammar and language usage.

Well, so much for being brief. :-) I hope you find these comments helpful! Good luck—and keep writing!

-Sarah ES

Hi Daniela! Sorry for the delay in comment on Chapter 8 - The Gift. I read it this morning and enjoyed immensely. Here are a few suggestions for you:
- Walking into the forest Elen looked around … calling “Red,” in a quiet voice. “Red … [calling Red in a quiet voice, “Red…] … she went on walking further and further into the forest. Elen stopped somewhere in the forest. [consider, ‘She took a few steps further and stopped.’] … It had a straight surface [smooth surface];
- Red stood on Forest Queens [Queen’s] branch arm as she spoke to him, [continue the speech on this line];
- Red could hear the girl calling him. … a bit startled by the last sentence [a bit confused here by who it was who said the last sentence, maybe arrange it as dialogue if it’s a response];
- “You know I am only two steps away from you. Don’t you little girl?” [not sure what the question means];
- “Yes, we may be their prey...” [be their prey,”];
- Red laughed and laughed covering his mouth … It’s rather impossible. [‘rather’ is a bit odd; consider either omitting it or using ‘practically’ instead];
- “No … Not any more. Goblin so kindly used a spell to repair the damaged caused [damage];
- “Would you mind holding me near to the wall my dear?” [the wall, my dear?”];
- “I had a thought that invoked this behaviour in me. My apologies my friend. [My apologies, my friend.];
- “We were sent by the forest queen. [perhaps better capitalized – Forest Queen] … Other animals will not be able to move freely which will evoke anger [move freely, which will evoke];
- “Here Deer, this guest is important … “Deer meet our guest. [“Deer, meet our guest.];
- Deer had massive horns on his head, only a year … “Sit on my back Forest Girl and hold on tight. [“Sit on my back, Forest Girl, and];
- “Forest Girl...” he chuckled, “Would I be able to slip into your pocket? Red asked [pocket?” Red asked];
- “A handkerchief? … Red exclaimed in surprise still holding the handkerchief [not to repeat ‘handkerchief’ several times you may say ‘holding a piece of cloth’ or smth like that];
- “The mission is aborted for tonight Deer. [tonight, Deer] ;
- As soon as Elen got off the deer, it disappeared … His eyes glinted in distance as he turned around to say his goodbyes that were rather expressed … [in the distance; consider omitting ‘that were rather expressed’];
- “Great!” Red moaned. “Green gave you this did he?!” [this, did he?!”] Red spoke angrily. [with a new line] “Yes, he gave it to me;
- “The handkerchief has absorbed every word and every move we made. It will mirror it to green [Green];
- Red was looking into the handkerchief … “Place it back in your pocket my dear,” [pocket, my dear,”];
- Elen had experienced a night without any achievement. … She should never had had taken any gifts from anyone. [She should never have taken any gifts from anyone.];
- Elen walked angrily, she was unable to understand … The many individuals that Elen would have met along her way would have been chased [the verbs make this sentence a bit bulky, consider, ‘…Elen had met…’];
- They walked back the right way as if … It was in their path suddenly, may be it was not even there before [suddenly; maybe it hadn’t been there before – you need a seni-colon here and Past Perfect to show priority];
- It spoke softly and kindly. Its’ large knobs [Its large knobs];
- “Unfortunately my Queen we had a different set [“Unfortunately, my Queen, we] … Red decided to speak up bowing to the queen. [Queen – it’s better to stick to one variant, IMHO];
- “Pleasure to see you, my dear friend Red. … The queen [Queen];
- “The gift is most probably a mirror … helping me in my .quest.” [my quest];
- Elen spoke tenderly with much regret … the forest queen [capitalized] … acknowledging that she was letting them down. [she had let them down];
- “This means we require your extraordinary powers … my queen,” [Queen];
- “Now, I am not here to blame anyone … The queen - capitalized;
- “Here is a golden pen and a leaf … The queen - capitalized;
- Suddenly there was a leaf on the floor not far from the queen’s - capitalized;
- “That is a rather fine message Red,” [message, Red,”];
- “You two are a brilliant team.” The queen - capitalized;
- “Now I will reverse everything that happened tonight. … the queen continued hoping [better, ‘the Queen hoped…’].

Sorry for insisting on capitalizing ‘Queen’ – I just want to help you with polishing Water Goblin so much that I may become annoying :)

I hope to read Chapter 9 soon.
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Hi Daniela! I read and enjoyed Chapter 7 - Unexpected Events, and here are my suggestions for you:
- Goblin was not very good at dancing on the other hand Elen enjoyed dance movements [maybe you need a semi-colon/comma after ‘dancing’];
- Many animals danced their dances which involved chasing each others tails [other’s tails] … Then unexpectedly howling of wolves persisted not far from the feast. [maybe rephrase a bit, ‘Wolves’ howling persisted not far from the feast.’];
- “We meet again,” the wolf mumbled. Mr. Green was hit by the wolf’s large paw extremely hard, he was sent [I think it’s better to divide these sentences with a full stop, ‘…extremely hard. He was sent…’];
- Some time later loud croaking discussion started … a predator into this rather quite place. [quiet place];
- The frogs croaked loudly as if in agreement. Then one of them asked. / “If she was not [consider writing the question on the same line in the following way, ‘…Then one of them asked, “If she was not …”];
- Goblin had his both hands on the table … It spoke again. “He did not take [It spoke again, “He did not take] … You were knocked out!” it shouted [it shouted. – with a full stop] … cut her face!” it added. [‘it added.’ is not needed IMO];
- The opposing frog jumped onto the table … With one weave of his arm Water Goblin perished the powerless being. [not sure of the use of ‘perish’ in this sentence – consider, ‘Water Goblin smote the powerless being’];
- Goblin entered the palace, his anger still resided in him [still residing];
- Elen had an idea in her head which she kept secret from everyone [not sure that you need ‘in her head’];
- Goblin stood up, he opened a secret … [stood up and opened a secret …];
- “A-are you well?” he enquired. … or if I feel anything at all.” Elen said. [at all,” Elen said.];
- Fireflies were illuminating the rooms [Fireflies illuminated the rooms – perhaps would be better like this] … Elen walked towards the front door and said. / “I shall see you before the sun rises, Master,” [and said, “I shall see you before the sun rises, Master.”] … looking directly into his eyes letting him know she would be fine on her own in the forest. [consider, ‘She looked directly into his eyes letting him know she would be fine on her own in the forest.’];
- The palace seemed rather claustrophobic … Goblin let Elen out muttering, / “Bye…” [muttering, “Bye…” – all on the same line];
- [with a new line] She did not catch his words …

I look forward to reading Chapters 8 and 9 :)
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Daniela,
Very creative and easy flowing. The dialogue is easy to follow and I think it fits your target market extremely well. I see you going far with this.

I just finished reading the first six chapters. And I must say, you have created an interesting, imaginary world. Filled with fascinating characters. This will make a wonderful children's book. I have noted a few mistakes, but they can easily be fixed. Ivan pretty much summed it up. I really like this, and I am eager to know what happens next. Let me know when you've uploaded again.
Good work! Keep it up!
Happy reading and writing!
Alret

A BHCG review

Please take my comments as constructive feedback.

Picture: Gives the book a Victorian feel
Title: Fine
Tagline: Might improve if condensed. There is a hook in there but it’s buried a little
Description: Second line of first paragraph needs rewritten.
Really liked the second and third paragraphs

Prologue
‘…hung freely off the…’ ‘…hung freely FROM the…’
‘…shaking aggressively…’ this doesn’t sound right.
‘…skinny built…’ should read ‘skinny build’
‘…picked a stone…’ – ‘…picked UP a stone…’ ?
‘Mumbling of people…’ reconsider this.

Try to avoid ‘ly adverbs’ and over description. The prologue isn’t full of these issues but it kills the moment a little i.e. the fact that he has tried to engage with the villagers and been roundly rejected. What will the consequences be?

I like how the frog references are made.


C1
Hundreds of years might be better.
‘Outside it,’ remove the comma.
‘…slim body structure…daughters now.’ try something else.
‘…orange glow created round the sun…’ awkward, try something else.
‘…ma died precisely.’ - this sentence doesn’t scan. I think I know what you mean. Try something else.
The paragraph about the flowers needs rewritten. I don’t understand the reference to Elen’s age and the description of the flowers doesn’t need the –ish ending.

Be more confident with the description, green, blue is fine.

Over description e.g. ‘Elen crouched next to the chair her father sat in.’ ‘Tears ran down her cheeks onto her neck.’
…’he celebrated the rain.’ Really nice.

The grocery shop. What era is this?

…walking away from his grip.’ Is grip the right word?
‘They died…’ this answer to an unspoken question might be a leap for a younger reader.
I might have missed an earlier reference to this but what is ‘sparrow’?


C2

‘Soiled…’ I suggest you change this to ‘soil’
Avoid using ‘it seemed’. Be confident, it’s your story. Tell us how long it did take to search.

I like that little ticks make the other wise disturbing Goblin appear less so. His stammer etc.


Overall

Parts of the narrative flow well, but chunks of it are a little clunky and read like a translation. Try reading it aloud to see were these hiccups occur, it might help.
I really like the setup behind the story and the story itself. So much so I searched for some more detail on it! Get the language ticks worked out and I think this could be a great read.
Try reading ‘The King of the Copper Mountains’ for comparison. It’s a super book and might just help you with the editing process.

All the best

I had a bit of trouble getting through the first part of this story. While I think it has potential, I tripped ove r many a sentence. I find it hard to see through which character's eye's I'm looking, or if I'm looking through anyone's eyes at all. I realize it's a children's tale, but even children need to be able to accurately 'see' the story as it takes place. Sometimes the story - what I've read of it - seems rushed, like you hurried through it to get to the good stuff and neglected to shine up what you've already done. My suggestions would be to slow down, jump into your character's head, look through their eyes, feel what they feel, and know only what they know. Give them the time they need to bloom into three dimentional people with thoughts and feelings all of their own and not just what you write down on paper. Otherwise, I think it's an excellent start to an interesting children's tale and I wish you the best of success with it.

Chapter 4 should read Elen gasped in disbelief ,rather than disbelieve. Otherwise, I could see no typos. I like it when Elen makes friends with the Queen of the forest and some creatures. It makes .me want to see if they help her.

Hello Daniela--
book --Water Goblin--

Read all chapters posted late last night, of this delightful book.
The pitch brought me into the myth and magic from the first line; and the question s posed.
Will Elen get that magic flower to save her dad's mind from wandering, and ending up in the mad house.
Even from an adults point of view, i am captivated, and wanting to read all of it.
The forest scenes are atmospheric and full of suspense, as she wanders wanders around it, so fu;ll of sounds and voices.
i can see the eyes of children popping out of their heads, as this book is read out to them .
It is one of the better children's books on this site; and get my six stars with pleasure.

tom bye
from hugs to kisses'

Hi Daniela,

Water Goblin shows great promise! I enjoyed your traditional fairy tale, rewritten and introduced to English speakers from Austro-Hungarian folklore. Like many old fairy tales, it is quite scary in places, so it has a genuine quality that fans of Hans Christian Anderson and the Brothers Grimm will enjoy.

The problems I noticed have been voiced by other reviewers (e.g. grammar, punctuation). With a little polish, Water Goblin will be an excellent addition to children's literature.

I am sending many stars your way and will back Water Goblin as shelf space allows. Best of luck!

Deb

Hi Daniela,

Water Goblin has a wonderful old fashioned feel, brilliant in its simplicity with lots of young reader appeal. The characters are well defined and would be easy for a younger audience to like or dislike. The story flowed well with good pace and kept me interested.

From a young readers point of view I did think that the following maybe over complicated. In chapter 2 ‘not frightened by insufficient light’ maybe more in keeping with the overall style of the book if it read ‘not frightened by the dark’. Chapter 3 ‘reed mace’ maybe better to replace with bulrush as it makes it easy to read. Neither of these detracted from my enjoyment of the story but they did stand out as being a different writing style.

Good luck with Water Goblin.

Andy.

I have read the first two chapters, Daniela.
I feel the writing style fits the story very well. I know it is prose but it does feel like a children's rhyme. It has some music quality that makes it flow.
In the second chapter, when Elen is at the top of the hill, you used the present tense for a moment and I think that was a very good idea, adds immediacy and drama.
I like very much the prologue and the Water Goblin characterisation. I particularly love the idea of the fireflies. Although here come a couple of things in regards to the balance of fiction and realism. You mention that in the next rooms are weeds and other plants growing. They wouldn't, if there was no natural light.
Also, in the forest at night, you mention it is dark but there is full moon. In full moon you can even read a book, although if you are under a dark forest it is unlikely that you would now what kind of moon there was above the trees.
And the next comments are being just more picky, but I will add them in case you find them useful.
I didn't fully understand the paragraph that started 'Elen's mother searched in the forests...' I had to read it several times.
I feel it takes dramatism to the story when you say that Dash knew the guard did not have power to remive him from the house, when actually it looks like that the plot is based in recognising such power and trying to prevent it.
I like all the information in the first chapter, but I found the order too expository. I think you can grab the audience more arranging in a different way (This does not include the prolongue, which I like very much).
Finally, although I don't know what kind of heroin Elen will turn to be, I think it would add intelligence and ability for action if she was better prepared for the forest, i.e. skirts are bad idea in a forest, and she living next to it ought to know, talking some chalk to mark the trees, rather than being surprised at the thought that she would not be able to find the way back, the chalk can disappear easily by rain or something else. As I said, I ventured this comment, although in two chapters I do not fully know what kind of heroin you are constructing.
Thank you very much for sharing your book and I hope you find these comments useful.
Best of luck!

I love this story. Chapter One has a rather gentle tone,but chapter two is scary. I think this would be an exciting
story to read aloud to younger children. We need plenty of good "KID LIT", to encourage a love of reading.

Gillian Bergh

As a grandfather, I've taken a new interest in children's book. This story works very well, I think the kids will get right into it. Highly rated and backed.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Hi Daniela! I had some time today and I decided to have a look at Chapter 4 of Water Goblin - Forest Queen. Here are a few suggestions and comments for you.
- the chapter opens nice; a gentle voice coming from a tree is a great idea – I love the description of that particular tree that you give to the reader, especially the part ‘…it swayed gently from side to side, as if it danced with the wind.’ – well done!
- To her surprise as she turned back to continue her walk she noticed a rather extra large ancient; oak tree [ancient oak tree – I’d recommend not using the semi-colon here];
- “A tree having a mouth? How could that be possible?” She asked. [she asked.];
- “It’s all right my dear. [“It’s all right, my dear.] … You are also able to live underwater I have heard.” The tree spoke again. [I have heard,” the tree spoke again];
- “Oh, hello..... Well it’s true [Well, it’s true];
- “I have no memory of him from before. It is only a recollection that happens at times... “ said Elen. [consider, “…happens at times,” said Elen.];
- Looking ahead Elen noticed something tiny in her path, … [consider the following variant, ‘Looking ahead Elen noticed something tiny in her path—it was an animal. Its eyes gazed at her, shinning vividly.’] … she started to recognise its features. [better, ‘…she recognised its features’];
- This very dark night there was a lonely squirrel in her path. … Then she remembered the Forest Gueen’s [Queen’s];
- He wiggled his bum a few times and … resumed his talking. [LOL! I like Red! I remember reading about him the first time and now I enjoy rereading about him :)];
- “So you have had the pleasure of meeting the Forest Queen … Well definitely because [Well, definitely, because] … ‘It is safer that way’, the Queen explained to Red earlier. [the Queen had explained …. – you need to show priority];
- “Well I am talking quite much [consider, “Well, I am talking quite a lot];
- “Well I do not remember anything [“Well, I do not remember anything];
- “We are nearly at the pond, I must leave you here. … You my dear have a rest [You, my dear, have a rest] … Well I will see you again, before long my dear.” [Well, I will see you again, before long, my dear.”].

There are questions that Elen wants answered. The spell cast by the Water Goblin is strong, but I hope she’ll be able to break it one day. Or at least Red and the Forest Queen will see to it. I like the way you show Elen’s father and the boy in her fading memory. Will she remember why she came into the forest? I wish to go on reading and finding this out.

Chapter 5 - Hunger
- Goblin’s affection for Elen was not shared … Though he only waved his right hand at them, hushing them away from the doorway. [consider rewriting it a bit, ‘He waved his right hand at them, hushing them away from the doorway.’];
- “Hahaha …,” he laughed as he lie on the grass [as he lay];
- She intended to go over the surface of the pond … It was huge and Elen prepared herself for it required much strength to open. [if ‘for’ in this sentence is synonymous to ‘because’ then you need a comma before it];
- “He is not around the pond,” Elen mumbled … She did not disturb the ducks, which was a success. [not sure if this sentence is needed, I just ask myself sometimes – ‘Is it worth mentioning?’ - consider this point here];
- “I have no time, I must hurry.” She searched and searched until she caught a sight of a white cloth looking garment. [until she caught sight of a white garment – this would be simpler but clearer – perhaps you’ll find a better way to describe it];
- Then Mr. Green spoke. “The r-reason [Then Mr. Green spoke, “The r-reason] … A-any further b-braking [b-breaking];
- “We shall feast tonight.,“ Goblin yelled. [tonight,“ Goblin yelled.].

I’m really interested to learn what the Goblin meant by “We shall feast tonight” – I haven’t read chapter 6 yet, so I don’t know what will happen next and now I think it’s high time to find out.

Chapter 6 - The Feast
- Just before Elen went to the feast preparation she waited for the sun to set in the sleeping room, she sat on the grassy bed … [consider this variant, ‘Just before going to the feast preparation Elen waited for the sun to set in the sleeping room. She sat on the grassy bed …’];
- “How did I do that?” she gasped. It was a strong need for food that made her to recall [made her recall];
- “Hello,” she admired all the tiny insects gathering nuts, berries of all kinds even tiny wild strawberries that smelled awe some [of all kinds, even tiny wild strawberries that smelled awesome];
- She stopped walking towards the stones … They were laying on the floor now. [not sure if you need this sentence – she drops the jars and the reader understands they lie on the floor];
- “Can I explain” she stammered. [maybe, “I can explain,” she stammered.];
- “The foxes get them from the village after hunting. They always bring some to me.” Goblin said [bring some to me,” Goblin said];
- He carried the glass carefully … injuries could occur if he left the glass laying about. [lying about];
- Elen could not believe her luck. … she saw an old lady that had pretty similar facial features as herself [well, I wonder if Elen knows what she looks like in her present state – just a thing to ponder over, maybe she saw her reflection on the surface of the pond, after all :)];
- “Nice flower, isnt it? We use it as a water jug.” Goblin spoke [water jug,” Goblin spoke];
- He placed his left hand on her right shoulder as if to let her know she was here with him not there in the human world [here with him, not there in the human world];
- “Very clever,” she agreed. … you could may be [‘maybe’ – but I’d recommend omitting it here] … consider using them as waster jugs. [maybe, ‘water jugs’];
- Elen lift her head [lifted her head];
- The yellow flower top was taken away by a team … Each leaf had a walnut placed on itself [on it];
- There were nuts of many kinds. … well not just yet. [well, not just yet] … Frogs, some squirrels, rabbits, foxes, baggers [badgers, I think] … May be it was their usual appearance [Maybe].

I’m left wondering what will happen next in the story. I hope my suggestions will be useful, Daniela. When new chapters come up, let me know.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

You have transformed an ancient myth Daniella, into a readily readable story that will entrance the young readers at who it is aimed. At times you might well be narrating - The Water Goblin - to your own child for the empathy and connection with the developing imagination is patent. The 6 Chapters comprise a story rendered with quality of tone, pace and consistency. It contains a rich mix of fantasy, fiction and adventure blended finely with commendable narrative strength. The characters are vividly identifiable and young readers will quickly identify with them.I believe the weaknesses - spelling mainly - can easily be refined and I award the work *****. Watchlisted. Every wish conveyed for your eventual success. Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - books 1,2 & 3.

Daniela, what a lovely story you have created, you develop your characters nicely indeed.The story moves along well and pulls the reader in. It is not a genre i ever pick up, but i enjoyed the read.

Some thoughts which may be useless given my lack of exposure to the genre and my lack of knowledge in much of anything --- I'll throw some ideas out. I would considering the POV in your Prologe -- get me into the head of the goblin. As he walks into the village what is he thinking, feeling, sensing - show me, don't tell me, is feeling fear, anger, bewilderment, frustration, what expectations did he have as he walk into the village, how did he feel being persecuted? was he embarrassed, ashamed as the frogs watched him jump in the pond? Show us don't tell us. Getting inside his head, his pov, helps introduce the character and build the expectation for what might come and might add power to the beginning. One other thought, the goblin is given given a paragraph or two in the first two chapters before you go back to focus on him. I might tidy up chapter one with Elen heading off to the woods, then chapter two get in gobli's POV. Oh one more thought - instead of the frogs and fireflies telling him of a girl in the woods, (which is a lovely touch) but rather get back in Goblins head, and again show us, don't tell i.e. he hears an enchanting voice in the wood which intrigues him, stirs something in him, he then gets of glimpse of her - what does he feel, think. don't tell me he planned how to drown her, give us his thought process as he schemes, make us feel what he is feeling as he develops this plan. Bring me into your character's emotions. Just thoughts take them for what they are worth.

thanks so much for your comments on the smoke that thunders, much appreciated. Cheers, Nate

A very interesting and intriguing start. I loved the way you introduced the original myth about the Water Goblin and then moved the story forward. Your characters are strong and well written and Elen instantly comes across as a likable soul. I think that children will love this story as it gives just enough mystery and magic from the onset. You have a beautiful writing style and the story moves at a good pace. I really enjoyed what I read.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Hi Daniela

I don't normally read childrens books (since I have none myself), so I'm going to try not to comment too much on the style in case I'm talking rubbish.

I don't know which age you're pitching this to, but straight off it feels like something you'd read to primary school kids (that's 11 and under). It feels very old school, and I like that you're weaving something in from folklore.

Where you say his leg was a frog limb, and then his arm also a frog limb, I wonder if it would be better to just say from the outset when you first describe his leg, that he has the limbs of a frog? I only say this because I thought maybe he was half human, half frog or something and then when I saw the bit about his arm, I had to readjust my mental image. And kids have an even wilder imagination, so goodness knows what they'd think. But this is just my preference so feel free to ignore!

The humiliation of the watergoblin was nicely written without being too complicated for the book. Everyone's experienced feeling like an outsider and something children especially will be able to relate to.

You have some typos, for instance at the beginning of chapter one, it should be hundred[s] and hundred[s], or even just many hundreds. Nothing major but just little things.

This is a nice and enchanting story. There are a few things that could be ironed out to imprve it, but mainly I think the leg work is there.

Starred and good luck :)

Silva

I must be honest right at the start of my comment.. I never read this genre, but I'm prepared to give you my thoughts anyway.
You have a great imagination. I like your characters and I can just see that big brute of a guard. I really don't like him at all. Your book is very visual for me, I can see multi coloured scenes before my very eyes. I actually enjoyed reading this.
It' s a lovely fantasy novel which I found very easy to read, and I'm sure it would appeal to a younger audience.
I really wish you well with this book, and I am going to put you on my WL.
I didn't think I would even do that when I saw the name of your book, but there you go.You have made me think about this writing game and how I should perhaps open up my mind to new genres.
Cheers
Willie

This isn't in my usual genre, so I can't give very helpful crit, sorry... It seems to read well though and in a style that works for kids.
A couple of comma suggestions: (since that's something I CAN help with!)
"the green man said loudly, attracting attention". I'd also add a comma (personal preference though, I think) at "in a village an old cottage stood, not far..."

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to do the promised read; I had quite a backlog.

I have to state at the outset that I never, ever read fantasy; it's like a foreign language to me. So please take what I say with many grains of salt.


First, I liked the idea of the goblin, and i think kids would too. It's very imaginative and whimsical,and I could see that I would have appeal to a young age group.

And I was very conscious of grammatical errors. There were run-on sentences all over the place; commas separating clauses that really were complete sentences. Also, there were places where commas should have appeared but didn['t.

The story was whimsical, but it felt disjointed. It didn't seem that easy to make connections between the different parts of the story. Again, that may be just my failing, since I don't really know the genre.

Thanks again for having supported Animal Cracker - really appreciate it.

Best,
Andi

This story unfolds with a happy ease that will appeal greatly to a younger audience. The writing is paced well, being not laden down with description or dialogue. The characters would be easy for younger readers to imagine and relate to, and the settings compliment this well.

D M Sharples.

I LOVE THIS!
It's such a fun and playful idea, and one that i am sure children ( even big ones like me) will love. Your writing is magical, enticing, comical, and well suited to the story you are telling. The opening tribute paragraph was a really nice touch as well.
I feel you deserve a backing, thus i am putting you on my shelf.

nice cute story...kind of like narnia ,,,but not of the same scale...good :-)

What a lovely story. Sad that it ended there as I am very curious to how it ends.

I noticed one typo on page 5 "Elen had a the whole night ahead..." the "a" does not belong so it should read "Elen had the whole night ahead..." If i am wrong just ignore it.

Otherwise i enjoyed reading until the end. Goblin is a very interesting character and i thought that you captured him very well. I also loved how you described the pond. Great imagination for sure.

Backed and Rated
green h

Hi Daniela! I had time to read Chapter 3 - The Pond, and here are some suggestions for you:
- Just before sunrise Elen sat to have a nap. She woke up as sun rose surrounded [perhaps better, ‘as the sun surrounded] … woodlice and other bugs [after ‘bugs’ it’s better to put a comma] some ants that wondered around [wandered around];
- The sun created rays of light spells amongst trees… She picked her blanket up, that kept her warm in the night … and set off. [consider omitting ‘and set off’ because it is too far from the subject of the sentence; you could try paraphrasing the sentence but to me it would sound ok without this part – the context remains unaffected; by the way, I want to note that the way you write appeals to me – the sentences are well-structured and flow smoothly];
- After many weary hours in the forest … May be this is the end, may be [better write it as one word - maybe] … the colours were more or less blended into each other [you can make this part active by simply omitting ‘were’ – it would sound nicer IMO] … it was of a bright yellow colour same as its leaves [consider ‘it was of a bright yellow colour, the same as its leaves’] … It was un-missable amongst any of the other plants. [‘un-missable’ sounds a bit odd, consider ‘You couldn’t miss it amongst any of the other plants.’ – just a suggestion];
- Would that water be clean enough to drink, she wondered. [consider putting an interrogation mark after ‘drink’];
- Water Goblin opened his eyes under water … He then, with his magical power pulled out Elens heart [Elen’s];
- Goblin swam down to his castle … He gave her the ability to live under water, he made her his companion, his heartless companion. [you may put a full stop after ‘under water’ so as not to make the sentence too bulky];
- “Whoever owns this room, and why am I here now?” She asked aloud. [she asked aloud];
- This place was unusual and not quite to her liking though she could not put her finger on why she did not resented it. [‘did not resent’];
- Taking the entrance she walked into a large room… His green face and big green eyes stared at Elen [consider omitting ‘His green face’ – it’s extra here – and I’d suggest the following, “His big green eyes scrutinized Elen’] … He stood up and in an inviting gesture he offered … [you may omit a second ‘he’];
- “Wellllcome.” Water Goblin started. [a comma after ‘Welllcome’ :)];
- His chanting echoed into the forest … The howling persisted for a while, it seemed at times louder than goblins’ chanting [goblin’s – if the water goblin is meant – and consider capitalizing it – it would be easier for the reader to perceive which goblin is meant];
- “May I?” Water Goblin asked and with all his strength … They spun around the ponds banks [maybe “pond’s bank”] … Elen tried carefully not to tread on Goblin’s feet [consider omitting ‘carefully’].

Well, this is really good, Daniela! I hope to read Chapter 4 soon.
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

I really enjoyed reading the first chapter. It's perfect for your target audience. It's an easy read. You've done great so far with imagery, characterization, dialogue, gramar, narrative hook--just about everything on my check list :) The only thing I noticed was: Hundred and hundred of years past. This should be 'Hundreds and hundreds..." You've got the begining of a good story here. I can easily see it on the shelves of bookstores everywhere :) I look forward to reading more when I've the time.

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I've only read your pitch, but your story sounds really good. can't wait to read it :) when i get room on my WL I'll add it and check it out. Highly rated for now, though :)

Goblins, fireflies and everything magic. Good story with believable characters and great imagery. I will most certainly be back to read more of Elen's adventure.
Best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon

hi,
You really have a very good story with you. Keep working on it. All the best. I hope the best favours you.
BAcked with wishes.

S. Vinay kumar,
the ark and the curse of the oracle

I think your story is very interesting and entertaining. I wander what happens in the end. I like the rhymes and the way the goblin stammers. You have also described the forest and pond in great detail. I'm sure children will love this and adults will enjoy reading it to children for their personal entertainment. The story would be even stronger with some editing. Well done!

i like this story. its cute and it reads easy. i like the characters too and how well everything is described. there are a few mistakes, but thats just me being knit picky. good luck with this!
melissa :)

Daniela,

I'm really enjoying your story so far. I've read the first few chapters and the prologue and am enjoying Elen and especially like the Water Goblin character. This is a unique read, written in a way that is good for it, and I'm glad I came upon it. I think I will look up the "Vodnik" poem to read what inspired you. My only crit would probably be that I caould have used a little more description. I really enjoyed it as is though.

I'll be back for more. Thanks for posting it for us to enjoy.

Have a great day!

- Scott Toney, Eden Legacy and The Ark of Humanity

An unusal story which I'm sure to a child would appear quite magical. The writer's imagination has captured the essence of the tale with excellent imagery and easily identified characters.
This charmingly told story holds much appeal and it will be interesting to see where Elen will be led in her quest.
Well done to you for embarking on a very original children's book. This work shines and with another edit or two will surely sparkle.
In the first line of the prologue, 'A red ribbon hung freely off...' get rid of 'hanged.' Starred and on my shelf tomorrow for potential and the rare chance to read a children's story. Margaret.

Daniela - before reading your book I have made corrections to your main Pitch.

If only Elen knew why she came to the forest! Some animals with magical powers are on her side, will she escape the Green Goblin?

Elen decides to enter the dark forests that extend out next to her house to find a flower in order to heal her father. She has only a fortnight, otherwise her father will be taken to a mad house; herself also and her new friend Dash would be placed into a Children's Home.

In the dark forest Elen finds a pond. She immerses her feet in the water and is pulled in and drowned by the pond's guard, the Water Goblin. He removes her heart, clears her memory and orders her to only wander in the woods throughout the night. Elen meets a Forest Queen: a wise talking ancient oak tree. Red, the talkative red squirrel, introduces her to different animals who are trustees of the Forest Queen.

The animals devise a plan after Elen remembers why she entered the forest. Elen discovers that one of the animals with magical powers is a human under a spell. Who is he and why is he living as an animal? How will she herself change to a human again? Will Elen make it to her father on time? What will happen to the human/animal living in the forest? The crafty Goblin will fight for Elen. Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Daniela. I have read the whole thing and I enjoyed it very much. I am rooting for Elen to recover her memory and to escape from the Water Goblin. The scene is very vivid, of the forest, the field full of flowers and the Water palace. The talking animals are good too, just the sort of thing children like to read about.

I have one critcism. In chpt 2 you describe what Ellen is wearing when she sets out but the way you phrase the sentence suggests that it is Elen's own ankles that are made of animal skin, not her sandals. It should read "full sandals, that were made of animal skin, were covering her ankles." Maybe I just nit-picking but I hope you understand.

The idea of Elen forgetting who she is and what her purpose is is quite good and I really hope she finds a way to break the spell for her father's sake. All in all I enjoyed the book as it is a folk tale I am not familiar with. Let me know when you have uploaded more and I will read again. Good luck with it!!

Hi Daniela! I started reading Chapter 2 and writing a review but when returned to it there were certain changes to it. Well, I’ll take a look. Here are my suggestions for you:
- I see you inserted part of Chapter 1 at the beginning of Chapter 2. That’s ok;
- The next morning Elen set off - consider dividing this sentence into two, putting a full stop after ‘chest’ and starting a second sentence: ‘She wore just an ordinary bluish dress…’ - this way the sentences won’t be too long - I love the beginning of the chapter, by the way;
- “Oh dear, dear,” gasped Elen. [sometimes it’s better not to use names too often, instead of Elen in this case you may say, “she gasped” or “the girl gasped” and ‘Elen’ will be implied here];
- Some hours of endless walking amongst trees whose branches spread in all directions barely letting any sunlight onto the path, was tiring. [this sentence can be restructured a bit to sound nice, “Elen walked endless hours it seemed, and the farther she walked the darker the forest became as branches spread in all directions and barely let any sunlight onto the path. She grew very tired.” Well, it’s just a variant for you to consider :)];
- Elen followed strange trails made by animals … Stepping on tall grass Elen entered [Stepping on tall grass, she entered – so as not to repeat ‘Elen’ three times in one paragraph];
- Elen observed them for a while … Tiredness came over her suddenly [as you mentioned that ‘Walking … was tiring’, ‘suddenly’ doesn’t seem to fit in here – consider dropping it];
- Many hours passed away when … by not having sufficient light, that could not discourage her [consider putting a semi-colon or a full stop instead of a comma];
- “… the moon … being a guardian to Elen” is beautiful :)
- On reaching the very top… she wants to make him proud, no one will separate them, ever. [‘no one…’ can be a separate sentence IMO];
- The Water Goblin laughed to himself. … He planed [planned] … She will be my soon. [hmm, not sure, maybe it’s okay, I’m just more used to ‘She will be mine soon.’];
- He stood up to his full length … He swam like a frog would, spreading his arms and legs in all direction [maybe ‘directions’];
- In the bank of the pond [perhaps, ‘On the bank’];
- He walked into the next room that was even larger … There were plenty of weeds in the shape of a square on the floor used as a bed by Water Goblin. [‘used by Water Goblin may be dropped IMO, but the next sentence may be like this, “Water Goblin had no pillows…”];
- There was no kitchen in his palace … Goblin could talk for as long as he remembered [a full stop can go there and then, “He was a good singer too, at least… “ - this way the sentence won’t be long] … at that point the water goblin pulled a sickening face, [“Bad cre-a-atures!” may go on the same line];
- the way you describe Water Goblin at the end of the chapter appeals to me, Daniela :)

I hope my suggestions will be of use to you.
Sincerely Yours,
Ivan