Beyond Parallel

Hi Jon
I do like the parallel lives thing - is it going to be like Sliding Doors or go somewhere else? I love the travelling setting. (My third book is going to be set backpacking in Aus).
It's easy to read, right level, flows well but I find the layout distracting at the minute - the big paragraph spacings I guess have come from when you imported it from Word? (MIne went crazy) The two fonts in the same chapter I find look untidy. I know why you're doing it, but maybe it would be better if as Chris suggests the two stories were in sep chapters, then you could have diff fonts and it not look so odd?
Characters are good - the boys I think feel more rounded, Bella I'm not getting, maybe you need to describe her through Alex's eyes more in Ch1? And I don't get what she means at the end of Ch1 when she glares at Clark and says "Oh, so it's going to be like that is it?" going to be like what? I dont' understand this.
I'll read more when there is more.
Caroline

Hi Caroline, thanks for the feedback, some interesting things

Yes, it will be pretty similar to Sliding Doors. A similar layout and premise at least throughout. And yes, i can understand the opinions with regards to the format and change of font. Still undecided as i mentioned earlier. i keep going between one idea and the other :)

and me too!!! I hate the way it lays everything out directly from Word. Not sure how to make it look better to be honest :(

and for your final point, it was meant to come across as a little playful banter and flirting. Maybe it didn't translate through too well.

Thank you for your comments though, greatly appreciated

JB

Hi Jon
I do like the parallel lives thing - is it going to be like Sliding Doors or go somewhere else? I love the travelling setting. (My third book is going to be set backpacking in Aus).
It's easy to read, right level, flows well but I find the layout distracting at the minute - the big paragraph spacings I guess have come from when you imported it from Word? (MIne went crazy) The two fonts in the same chapter I find look untidy. I know why youre doing it, but myabe it would be better if as Chris suggests the two stories were in sep chapters, then you could have diff fonts and it not look so odd?
Characters are good - the boys I think feel more rounded, Bella I'm not getting, maybe you need to describe her through Alex's eyes more in Ch1? And I don't get what she means at the end of Ch1 when she glares at Clark and says "Oh, so it's going to be like that is it?" going to be like what? I dont' understand this.
I'll read more when there is more.
Caroline

Hey Jon, finally got around to Beyond Parallel, sorry for the delay! Love the concept, two parallel universes featuring the same characters. Will definitely be interesting to see how the story develops.

Perhaps the two separate stories would work better as alternating chapters? Sorry if that's already been suggested.

Couple of typos, e.g. She' in paragraph two of chapter one. Also, there's a lot of repetition of the silence which isn't needed. The only other issue I picked up on was a little 'butler/maid' dialogue near the start (how long have we been friends, etc.)

Aside from that, well written and an intriguing start. Would happily read more. Good work, and good luck :)

Cheers,
Chris

Hi Chris, cheers for the great comment

Yes, i too and throw between how to lay it all out. I get differing suggestions on this. Some people it should be stated more clearly, others say not at all and let the reader figure it out. I'm personally undecided :)

And cheers for the Butler/Maid comments. I see what you're saying

thanks again

JB

Hey Jon, finally got around to Beyond Parallel, sorry for the delay! Love the concept, two parallel universes featuring the same characters. Will definitely be interesting to see how the story develops.

Perhaps the two separate stories would work better as alternating chapters? Sorry if that's already been suggested.

Couple of typos, e.g. She' in paragraph two of chapter one. Also, there's a lot of repetition of the silence which isn't needed. The only other issue I picked up on was a little 'butler/maid' dialogue near the start (how long have we been friends, etc.)

Aside from that, well written and an intriguing start. Would happily read more. Good work, and good luck :)

Cheers,
Chris

Hi Jon,

Just enjoyed some of your work with a much needed coffee after spending the day outside with 100 or so 5th & 6th graders. Your writing style is easy and relaxed, allowing the reader to drift into the story at a good pace. Bella's persistence and Alex's nervousness shine through in both their dialogue and their actions. I like the way you juxtaposed the two stories before the two meld together. Well done.

I'm not so sure about your layout, with using headings of story one and story two. The reader can easily see there are two different things happening. There are a few minor typos, and perhaps a few miss-used words, but nothing that stands out or detracts from the flow of the prose. A quick run-through buy someone with fresh eyes to point at the the few grammatical issues should clear them easily enough.

Keep going - it will be interesting to see how this adventure turns out.

Thanks Jenny

Yes, ive considered doign the layout a little differently. Certainly something to keep thinking about me thinks

And 100 5th graders? ouch, i take my hat off to you.

JB

Hi Jon,

Just enjoyed some of your work with a much needed coffee after spending the day outside with 100 or so 5th & 6th graders. Your writing style is easy and relaxed, allowing the reader to drift into the story at a good pace. Bella's persistence and Alex's nervousness shine through in both their dialogue and their actions. I like the way you juxtaposed the two stories before the two meld together. Well done.

I'm not so sure about your layout, with using headings of story one and story two. The reader can easily see there are two different things happening. There are a few minor typos, and perhaps a few miss-used words, but nothing that stands out or detracts from the flow of the prose. A quick run-through buy someone with fresh eyes to point at the the few grammatical issues should clear them easily enough.

Keep going - it will be interesting to see how this adventure turns out.

You have a real knack for genuine dialogue and the characters are realistic. I lik ethis premise and hope you upload more soon so I can see who gets who! Your novel is on my shelf for a while and I hope you can find the time to support The Cheech Room, a book I am supporting this month.

Skater

Dear Jon, I love the intrigue of "Bella, a wild romantic that lets her heart rule her head and Clark, a confused individual unsure as to what he wants... searching for something they are missing, but neither know what it is... two stories, one where the pair meet and the other where they don't... will their lives still bring them together regardless?... are certain things just meant to be?.... what if?," as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! I can hardly wait to read your story & see if they "live happily ever after." :) I love the way you began ch.1 with "choices can have the most dramatic of outcomes" & nodded my head :) - I have made a lot of bad choices, for sure. :) Then I read, "Story 1" & "Story 2" & back & forth & after reading every word of all 3 chapters, I thought probably Bella would probably end up marrying her best friend Alex, after, "she had another nightmare break up... so I asked her along." :) & probably Clark will end up "happily ever after" with Beckie. :) You can tell that I love happy endings. :) I have read & commented on your book. :) I will back it more than 24 hours as soon as space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) I would so much appreciate it because I have been trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk & on 1-1-11, I was #4, but 2 people passed me, pushing me out to #6, so I wasn't chosen January 31 & I am now #1 & need lots of backings to anchor me in so that I don't slide out again & so that I will be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk February 28. :) Thank you so very much for your help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)

Wouldn't like to hedge any bet on eventual outcome because I'd have a preference for Alex winning the girl and not Clark as he has a selfish lifestyle, with no real sense of commitment. A drifter who engenders little compassion or virtue, certainly not good enough for Bella, an insecure but lively girl. There are minor points in what I thought was a nice little story Clark sometimes loses his English credentials (characteristics) in my opinion by saying yeah instead of yes, and no Englishman would ever say man. It derides the individual and is not a way to win friends or influence people. Well in Clarks case 'come on man' was in his mind which is much worse for a stately gentleman which all Englishmen consider themselves, with the exception of the hooligan breed, who are mostly ignored. Seriously though I have no complaints, ' Beyond Parallel' is a nice little story, interesting, with plenty of twist and turns to come before final outcome.

Full Metal Jacket Star award.

Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Thanks for the comments Daniel.

I find it intersting how you are on the side of Alex. I love how everyone will form their own attachments and opinions to the characters.

As for the way Clark speaks, well it is probably my fault more than anything. I am very much English, but from Yorkshire, so as far away a typical English Gent as you can come. I like to think i'm not a holligan though :)

I try and base how Clark and Sam speak around myself and friends. So it's intersting how you say that. A huge thank you for reading though and making such a wonderful comment. I will be sure to give your book a once over to see if i can offer some similar feedback

Regards

JB

Wouldn't like to hedge any bet on eventuual outcome because I'd have a preference for Alex winning the girl and not Clark as he has a selfish lifestyle, with no real sense of commitment. A drifter who engenders little compassion or virtue, certainly not good enough for Bella, an insecure but lively girl. There are minor points in what I thought was a nice little story Clark sometimes lose's his English credentials (characteristics) in my opinion by saying yeah instead of yes, and no englishman would ever say man. It derides the individual and is not a way to win friends or influence people. Well in Clarks case 'come on man' was in his mind which is much worse for a stately gentleman which all Englismen consider themselves, with the exception of the hooligan breed, who are mostly ignored. Seriously though I have no complaints, ' Beyond Parallel' is a nice little story, interesting, with plenty of twist and turns to come before final outcome.

Full Metal Jacket Star award.

Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Your dialog reads well. It seems to be a script for a film. There is a good amount of sexual tension too. I think this has me intrigued. Check out "Just Out of Sight". I hope to make your bookshelf soon.
Great success,
Craig (Bandof1)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) Read & commented on 1 day later. :)