The First Chapter....

I really enjoyed reading this. The First Chapter is the kind of book I like to take away with me on holiday so that I can read in peace! Your three main characters are strong and well portrayed. They are interesting people with totally different backgrounds but they merge together in friendship very well. I like the way you enlighten the reader into each of their histories so that we get to know them and ultimately care about what happens to them. Well written with good dialogue. Just a few minor punctuation and spelling errors (champaign rather than champagne) but easily rectified. I would also advise elaborating more on the scene where Ness's mum tells her she has cancer and really draw on the emotion of this scene. Good luck with this and highly starred.

Kim (Pain)

A lovely, warm, full of good-feeling read. Brings back memories as you read of your own childhood friends. I really enjoyed reading this, and at times I could see this as a movie while I was reading, like steel magnolias or something.
Six stars from me and good luck!

Well done Zerin on a really enjoyable book.
Your characters are really likeable and the story engages the reader immediately. It is easy for your readers to quickly become absorbed in the storyline and want to keep reading on to find out the fate of the main characters as your dialogue between the girls is believable and well written. I enjoyed your description of Mrs Pantelli and her sad existance following the death of her husband. Sadly, I have come across people like her, who have lost their joy for living.
All the very best in getting this really likeable book published as it is a book with great appeal.

3 Chapters in, you have realistic and likeable lead characters and each of their stories, so far are gripping. I liked the way you've introduced Ness's background via her 'diary' thought that was nicely done. The pace is great, keen to read more, which is a good sign. Giving this 6 stars! And backed with pleasure.

Good luck!

Jo

I have started reading this - keep up the good work!

Really enjoying your book, Zerin. I love that it seems full of nostalgia with interesting characters from a variety of backgrounds. Well written and makes you feel for the characters immediately. To be honest, I struggled to stop reading and will definitely go back to it. I think this would appeal to such a wide age range audience, as all women young and old will relate to the story. This deserves to be in the top five.
Full stars and I've shelved it! Well done.

Louise Burness
Crappily Ever After.

Hi Zerin, I took a look at chapter 4, sorry it's taken a while to get back to you. This is a charming story and reads as a personal experience. I like the interaction between the characters, especially the older brother interested in his sisters friends. You convey this story with confidence and I like the fact that the charters have different backgrounds and lifestyles. This kind of story helps people to understand cultural barriers and overcome discrimination. I noted several sentences that were very long and could use a break, you used a number instead of the word for a number and I am not sure about the grammar. I am new at this so I am not entirely sure I am right but: '..."Neat" said Kimi, "we can grab some....' looks better as '..."Neat," said Kimi. "We can grab some...' Apart from that , it is shaping up to be a very good piece and I wish you luck. High stars and I will check back on it soon.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At The Rock & Take Care: On The Rock

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG!) review:

Very well-written, and you do a great job at spicing up the rather melancholy mood with some very nice bits of humor, and you've crafted a group of believable, relatable characters to lead the story. Some great details and descriptions throughout, and the format of switching between the three main characters' perspectives worked quite well for me. I also really liked the names of the characters (especially Ness; I have a character named Kess in one of my books, and I really like when writers use different names than ones I'm used to seeing.)

I wrote down a few notes as I read, though they're all quite minor, and may simply be subjective. Please do disregard anything you disagree with.
CHAPTER 1:
- I might have added an apostrophe here: “her dad(')s thoughts on the working woman” and removed one from here: “be the (ones) starting rumors or whispering”
- Here and there, I might split a few lines into a couple of sentences, (such as the one starting with “As the morning light crept through”) but that could just be personal preference.
- “dreaded what was (to) come next.”
- “write to your (friends) every day.”
- “you can't have cancer, (you're), (you're) my mum,”
CHAPTER 2:
- A couple of times, I thought the capitalization of mum or dad was off; the rule I usually use is, if it's “my mum” or “his dad,” it's lowercase, but if it's directly taking the place of the name, like 'Hi, Mum!” or “I see Dad over there,” then it's capitalized.
- “Time whizzed past as Ameera strolled past” - I might change it to “Time whizzed past as Ameera strolled (by)” to avoid the repetition.
- When a character is addressing someone else, there should be a comma before the name, as in: “Come on(,) ladies,” (without the comma here, it takes on a slightly different meaning to me)
- college is capitalized at one point, and then lowercase at another.

Despite a few really minor quibbles, though, I found this to be very engaging, and I had a great time reading this so far.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Zerin. As this was so far away from what I would read, I decided to make this my last book for the day to read so I could concentrate on it. I was pleasantly surprised and i didnt need to concentrate that much. It was very good, well written, well delivered and very well thought out.You have put a lot of effort into this. Your characters that you have created are cool and you know when to use them. Very good read. loved it. well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean.

I really enjoy reading the story and quickly became absorbed in the storyline, the characters are likeable. I was gripped to find out the fate of the main characters as the dialogue between the girls is well written. I am looking forward to the next book.

well done, zerlin and keep it up

Zerin,

A YARG review. Welcome to the group. I hope you get all kinds of useful reviews, and I certainly hope this is one of them. I read the first two chapters and skimmed the third, and I offer up the following comments:

Chapter 1:
-The first thing that immediately comes to mind is some grammar issues. Now I won’t let the grammar get in the way of a good story, but should warn you that it can be distracting and turn off some readers. Here are a couple in the first paragraph:
--The first sentence is a run on and needs either a period of a semicolon between ‘over sized bed’ and ‘it had been’.
--The very next sentence has too issues. First, introductory clauses of more than three words should almost always have a comma (As the morning light…in her blinds[,] she rubbed…). Second, the sentence is much too long and should be split into two (or more) between ‘that dreaded question’ and ‘the possible answers’.
-The first paragraph is also too long. I would split it at “Ameera attempted to get out of bed…”
-Similarly, the diary entry may be a little long.
-Overall, I liked the structure of the first chapter. You very quickly introduce the reader to three different families, and you quickly get to the point.

Chapter 2:
-You quickly get the characters united at the college. It was nice to see the story progressing quickly. I like the way you with a little bit of suspense when talking about the perfect, or not so perfect, Jay.
-I think the pace is fine for YA. Some adult chick lit type books require a lot more introduction into character backgrounds, but the pacing seems right for this genre.

Again, my biggest suggestion would be to work on some of the sentence structure. The story seems to be coming together nicely. I wish you the best of luck.

If you would like to return the favor of a read sometime, I would appreciate it.
Thanks, and Best Wishes,
-Chris
Game Changer

Zerin,

I discoverd that I had read before, and commented - 385 days ago!
That time, i read the first chappter, so this time I went on to the second.
Suddenly, there is some edge, Ness is tough and knows Dave, whoc is fancied by the It-girl. Nice tactics and a great way to get your heroine into the action.
Well done with the chocolate smudge too.

I thought the jump from Kimi introducing herself to "Time for lunch" was a bit rapid, I looked up and thought 'Eh? what happened with all the others?" Anyway, one ot two sentences would smooth this over, so no negative points for that.

Best wishes
Warrick
"Sleeping With God"

This is a YARG review

The First Chapter

Your pitches are both neatly written. You have a missing apostrophe or two (something that continues into the main book) but otherwise, your long pitch is clear and sets out an interesting plot. There’s no doubt who your characters are, how they are different and what brings them together. Ideal. Nothing worse that starting with confusion and there's none here.

Chapter One

The split in focus between the girls is good. Early on, the reader understands that the story is about all of them. I like the idea especially that the perfect life might not be so perfect.

I think you could work on making the tone of the diary entry more different from the rest. The ‘voice’ to me, reads more or less the same and it makes the character not so believable. There are things like overusing the word, “really” both in the diary exert and the rest of the prose, that tell me it’s the same writer. You need to convince me it’s someone else. There are some errors in it and I’m not sure if they’re deliberate. They might be, in which case that’s a reasonable way of setting the voice apart.

The diary entry could do with paragraph breaks too. It’s quite a lot all at once at the moment.

You get into the gritty stuff very early on, which I think will keep a young audience interested. As an adult reader, I might have liked more build-up, more time to get to know Ness in particular and really care about her. That way, I’d feel more about her mother’s illness. However, I suspect for a young reader, time spent on that sort of thing might slow down the pace somewhat, so I think you’ve probably made the right choice.

Chapter Two

“(Ameera put on her dad’s strong accent)” I think you make this clear enough. There’s no need to explain it with the bracketed bit. Not sure about using brackets at all, although they might have their place with good reason.

“Kieran secretly decided…” This is a point of view switch into Kieran’s mind, which some writers try to avoid. It can be confusing for the reader to know what’s going on in more than one character’s head at once. Some don’t care.

I’ve read the rest of this chapter and you continue to explore Ameera’s first day and you develop her relationship with the other girls. There’s plenty to keep me interested, particularly their assorted backgrounds. I hope the rest of the story explores the impact they have on one another and what they bring to each others' lives. You introduce the inevitable love-interest boys, and apart from being perhaps a little too perfect, their appearance and role in the plot makes sense. They seem skimmed over at this early stage - surely there is more to them than this? Anyway, it’s not a story about them, it’s about teenage friendship and the challenges the girls face and that’s bound to appeal.

Good luck with it,

Lucy

YARG review-The First Chapter

Zerin,
I have read the first three chapters so far. Ameera, Kimi and Ness are three likable girls, all with their own problems at home.

My biggest crit over the first three chapters is point of view. Often during a scene, when we are seeing things from either Ameera's POV or Ness' POV, for a line or two the POV shifts to another character (one of the other girls, or Ness' mom, etc.) This can be a bit jarring for the reader.

Hopefully this is helpful. Best wishes with this.
Kate

Good story, good characters and I like the way you feed characters and events in easily. High stars!!

Done with pleasure Zerin
Brian.

Hi Zerin,
Sorry I haven't gotten to you before now -- I haven't checked back in many moons I'm afraid. Thanks for backing Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac. I'm afraid it's been sliding from neglect on my part.

I don't have time to read much tonight but at least I peeked at the first two chapters and some of the third.

I think you have a good story going here. At first, with the friends, I immediately thought of the Traveling Pants books--but set in England with different characters. So I was drawn in to read more.

Since I can't read all right now, I read more for a few line edits and overall feel for the story and made a few notes for you. Remember, everything is subjective. Take what you can use of my crit and throw the rest away. It's only my humble opinion.

1st Chapter: You have used the word "as" frequently -- try to reword - don't feel bad, F. Scott Fitzgerald overused "as" and "as if" and "as though" so many times in The Great Gatsby and it's now a classic, though I don't think it would be pubbed today without heavy editing.

12th paragraph, 2nd sentence, "each had to each" -- take out the last each

17th para - champagne

19th para - my mom. But then she's referred to as mum a couple of times. Stick with either mum or mom, but not both

2nd chapter -- you used "sleepily" 2x's in first para - choose another word for one -- or better than that "show don't tell" have her rubbing her eyes and/or yawning

Try not to use as many adverbs -- editors dislike adverbs -- for instance 'That's us," said Christine looking around nervously. Nervously is a tell word. How about "That's us," said Christine, pulling at the hem of her blouse with one hand while turning to scan the room behind her. Or something to that affect. Have her doing something so the reader will know/sense she's nervous.

Okay, self-harming. (This is popular these days and the "in" thing to write about in YA. However, in the States we call it cutting for slang. "She's a cutter." But a British character might not use those terms. But to be cool/hip whatever, you could use both if appropriate for the character. Might add some spice to your character.

Chapter 3 -- 4th para -- "Ameera nodded her head and shrugged her shoulders." Do this yourself. Awkward. Now try nodding. Then shrugging. Still awkward. A way to break it up to make it more real. "Ameera nodded. Sighed. Rolled her eyes. Then shrugged her shoulders."

7th para -- your needs to be you're

Also, to round out your characters so they don't seem "flat" -- give them bad habits to help round them out. The nervous one -- have her chewing on her lip lots, or twisting her hair. Have one girl constantly putting her hair behind her ears. Another girl rubs the inside of her wrist when she gets nervous -- you get the picture.

3rd Chapter: "I feel so nervous," said Ameera, twisting a thick strand of hair while pacing behind the sofa where her younger/older brother Kiran sat watching morning television. (I want to know what program he was watching -- who's talking/the hosts. "Nervous in a scared way." She chewed her bottom lip and crossed her arms, continuing to pace.

5th para: He "way" saying -- needs to be was

And that's as far as I made it. I think with some tightening and plumping up in some places, you can get this manuscript where it needs to be. Like I said, take what suggestions you like and throw the others out, remember, it's always easier to crit someone else's work and see the bugs than it is to crit your own. Mine still has major revision! I'm starring a four from what I've read so far and shelving -- and have a Merry Christmas full of joy! ~Kady Colter

I really enjoyed reading this. The First Chapter is the kind of book I like to take away with me on holiday so that I can read in peace! Your three main characters are strong and well portrayed. They are interesting people with totally different backgrounds but they merge together in friendship very well. I like the way you enlighten the reader into each of their histories so that we get to know them and ultimately care about what happens to them. Well written with good dialogue. Just a few minor punctuation and spelling errors (champaign rather than champagne) but easily rectified. I would also advise elaborating more on the scene where Ness's mum tells her she has cancer and really draw on the emotion of this scene. Good luck with this and highly starred.

Kim (Pain)

Very well written and a real page turner.
High stars and backed.

John Stearn
Derilium

Zerin - The very start of this - first paragraph - seems a bit weak compared with the rest of it, because as soon as the dialogue starts I am swept away. You have the voices down perfectly, this sounds so vivid and realistic! Nice cliffhanger at the end of ch 1. Why is the dialogue in first para ch 2 in italics, isn't she talking to the dog? That paragraph is really loooong, by the way. I like the diary device, it works well. Hope you use it later too...I'll just have to read on and find out! High stars, great YA chick lit. ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

The First Chapter is an exciting twist on the chick-lit genre. Told with some of the strongest characterization you are likely to find in this genre, it follows three friends with very different personalities and goals as they begin their young adult lives.

Author Zerin Mewa has created some very believable people in Ameera, Ness and Kimi. It would not surprise me to see any of them walking down the street in real life, and readers will probably identify with one of the three more than the others based on their own personality.

Like any tight group of friends, they all have strengths and weaknesses, but are much stronger when standing together. As the story progresses, each of the girls begins to reach out and grow as individuals, while struggling to maintain the close ties of friendship that bound them together all their lives.

The story moves along at a good pace, which is perfect for the YA genre. Yet, it’s as highly believable as the characters. The First Chapter should have little trouble capturing a wide audience within the targeted age group, and more Chapter books are sure to follow.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I still love the opener. There is something about it that catches my attention.
Your story forms really well as you develop the plot and characters.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi Zerin,
The correct phrase is “wouldn’t say boo to a goose” not ghost!
You characters are affable and likeable. I liked the waiting for the pregnancy test scene, that had real dramatic tension. The language feels authentic to the characters and there is a rolling, flowing feel to the prose.

Niggles? I felt it took a while to get started, you need more action in the first chapter. Grab your reader by the lapels!
At times it feels like there is a lot of dialogue. Too much maybe?
The plot is a little directionless in places. Remember that every word, every sentence should have a purpose, otherwise take it out. Feels like there is a lot of padding here.
But those are all small issues, you are getting great review and have a good number of shelvings, so well done and keep it up! 5 stars from me.
We’re doing a reading swap
Please take a look at mine when you have the time,
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hi Zerin, this is a lovely east read with realistic characters wonderfully written. Highly stared. Karen Bates Faking it in France.

I like your writing. It well readable and understandable. It is easy to fall into into. My best character is Ameera, she killed it all in the first chapter. See i have given your book six outstanding and I would back when i have empty my bookshelve,

Isoje David.
Animals In Paradise.

Hey,
I've just read some of your book and i will be back for more, also it was written well.
If you haven't already please could you read my book, comment and rate.
Thanks
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

I just read the first few chapters and I am impressed with the diversity of your characters. I think they are all very empathetic characters who don't have the best circumstances but are most certainly not victims. It is interesting to read about them supporting each other even with so little in common.

There are some structural language issues that could be tweaked, like run-on sentences, but those have already been mentioned.

I think this book will definitely appeal to readers who like sisterhood stories like the The Ya Ya Sisterhood and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Book clubs everywhere will enjoy reading about the empowerment of young women.

Good luck!
Shannon Stewart
Reconstruction

I just read the first few chapters and I am impressed with the diversity of your characters. I think they are all very empathetic characters who don't have the best circumstances but are most certainly not victims. It is interesting to read about them supporting each other even with so little in common.

There are some structural language issues that could be tweaked, like run-on sentences, but those have already been mentioned.

I think this book will definitely appeal to readers who like sisterhood stories like the The Ya Ya Sisterhood and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Book clubs everywhere will enjoy reading about the empowerment of young women.

Good luck!
Shannon Stewart
Reconstruction

I just read the first few chapters and I am impressed with the diversity of your characters. I think they are all very empathetic characters who don't have the best circumstances but are most certainly not victims. It is interesting to read about them supporting each other even with so little in common.

There are some structural language issues that could be tweaked, like run-on sentences, but those have already been mentioned.

I think this book will definitely appeal to readers who like sisterhood stories like the The Ya Ya Sisterhood and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Book clubs everywhere will enjoy reading about the empowerment of young women.

Good luck!
Shannon Stewart
Reconstruction

A very appealing read. It's enjoyable and engaging. The morning is getting away from me, so I have to stop where Ameera must decide whether she wants to leave or stay home and tough it out. What a big decision at such an early age. I’ll be back to find out what happened. Best of luck to you!

~Nina~

Your pitch intriqued. It got me turning the pages to learn more about your characters. Fiction wasn't my thing but your book changed that. well-done

A lovely, warm, full of good-feeling read. Brings back memories as you read of your own childhood friends. I really enjoyed reading this, and at times I could see this as a movie while I was reading, like steel magnolias or something.
Six stars from me and good luck!

(Ch. 1-5) Very nice work--Through vivid descriptions, you certainly capture the nuances of the college scene. And by creating an ensemble of interesting characters, you have developed an engaging storyline to be enjoyed by teenagers and adults of all ages.

Well done Zerin on a really enjoyable book.
Your characters are really likeable and the story engages the reader immediately. It is easy for your readers to quickly become absorbed in the storyline and want to keep reading on to find out the fate of the main characters as your dialogue between the girls is believable and well written. I enjoyed your description of Mrs Pantelli and her sad existance following the death of her husband. Sadly, I have come across people like her, who have lost their joy for living.
All the very best in getting this really likeable book published as it is a book with great appeal.

I feel so sorry for all the main characters in your book - they have such tough lives! I thought I would leave a few comments on what I have read so far so you can take a look and see what you think.
I like the idea behind your story which is what attracted me to reading it. Three girls, all with very different lives, and how they grow and cope with their various issues and problems. A good idea for a book with interesting, believable, realistic characters.
A number of nitpicks:-
A few full stops are missing e.g. after (extra protective of their friend).
The girls exchanged confusing glances at Ness's possible power of bionic hearing. This sounds odd as if she indeed has a super power.
. . . the girls went quite. Should be quiet.
In Chapter One
A few sentences would benefit from capitals at the start and a full stop at the end.
eg. her eleven year old sister. Some sentences tend to run into each other because there should be a full stop rather than a comma. Consider looking through your work to see if a full stop would be better than a comma.
More ready than I'll ever be. - this is a saying and I think usually we say "As ready as I'll ever be . . ." Unless you have deliberately changed the expression.
One of the main points I have to make is with regards to point of view. It would benefit the writing immensely if a consistent viewpoint is held. In the case of your story there are three main characters and I would suggest restricting the point of view to those characters. At the moment you tend to bounce around a bit. e.g. Brandon could tell his sister felt a little anxious." This is Brandon's view not Kimi's.
An enjoyable read which could do with a little tightening up and editorial work, but well done.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Fun knockabout dialogue between the three teenage girls. Serious subjects: arranged marriage, growing up, drugs, and alcoholism. It’s got everything. I like the encounter with the three apparently perfect looking girls in the canteen. There’s a sense it’s building towards some drama. “Oh my gosh you’re like from America” It has friction and tension. On my WL and rated.

Hi Zerin,

I read five chapters of your novel. You do have skills - an obvious knack for narrative and creating interesting characters. I would venture that most of your characters are based on people you know - which gives the backgrounds a ring of reality. I'm not going to point out any punctuation errors - not right now., I think you're a skillful enough writer to already know that stuff and will correct them in a future edit.

I think the novel gets bogged down in the daily tedium of teenage angst. While the novel needs a degree of that you need to be a little more judicious about where you place it. You've got three characters with serious things going on in their families and you need to move the story forward into these issues: Kimi's devastating family secret - Ameera's culturally traditional family and Ness's family and their substance abuse. By four chapters in the reader expects to see more of this unfold and I think you're taking too long to get to it That's going to make your narrative tedious and slow. Pick up the pace girl.

Also, it would be more interesting to include more of what each character is thinking regarding these family issues. This needs to be stronger - there could be a lot more emotion beyond just being late for class and arguing about who's in the bathroom. You've got the makings of something here that could be very powerful.

I'll be checking this out again.

Larry M.

Hey Zerin,
So I've re-read the first six chapters and I've really grown to like Ameera. Her situation is very relateble and very relevant. I went through a similar situation as hers when I was around sixteen so I can really relate to her on another level. Ness' relationship with her father is another storyline I really like. It's a very strong problem in today's society so it is also very easy for people to relate to that as well. Again, I absolutely love your dialogue. I think that's your strongest area when you write.

Six stars, I'll def let you know what I think of the rest of the chapters later on, Best of luck!

Interesting first two chapters. I'm not a big chick-lit reader or YA reader, so perhaps the format (multiple story-lines in a chapter) is a little off-putting for me. But I do like your characters a lot. I like the fact that each has their own problems and their own messed up family situations; it will be interesting to see how everything ties together. The writing is good and has a nice flow to it. It's also pretty clean, though I noticed in the prologue that there should probably be a period after “side to side” and before “the sun”, and that this sentence should probably read: “...yelled Ameera to her two best friends.”
Over all, this is a nice beginning to your story and I hope it continues to do well. Will star highly. :)

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Your writing has a really relaxed feel to it, which gives it a nice tone and makes it easy to read.
That being said, those first few beginning paragraphs need to be as amazing as you can make them. Consider breaking up that first sentence in the first paragraph of the prologue. I had to re-read it a few times because the flow felt a little awkward. Instead of just one super long one, it could easily be made into two or three to help the flow and as a bonus become more easily visualized.

The first sentence in the second paragraph seemed to have the same problem. You could try, "I hope it doesn't decide to rain," yelled Ameera. Her two best friends, Ness and Kimi, shook their heads as if they knew...

Same thing a little further down. The flow can be helped by adding a few periods and breaking up long, potentially awkward sentences. "This took ages you know," said Ameera as she emerged from the bathroom. She pointed to her newly colored hair, the soft brown curls falling naturally past her shoulders. "Paulo says my hair...."

Use the same principle and go through the rest of the prologue.
Commas are great! They help us string together good sentences to make awesome ones. But sometimes the period serves a better purpose. It gives the reader's eyes and brain a stopping point, so that we can move on to the next thought. The period also helps to vary sentence lengths.

Of course this could totally be your intended writing style. In that case, ignore me!

The second chapter had a few run-on sentences. Here's one way to correct them.
"...unless you turn it off," said Ameera's mom from behind the bedroom door(period). She had fallen asleep again.
"...you look comfy under Chizzy(period.)" Her pug had made himself a little tunnel under the covers.
"Bye!" Ameera yelled as she walked through the hallway(period). The black marble flooring glistened...
As she walked down the long driveway, the automatic gates opened(period). "Why do I feel so strange?"
The walk from her house to the secondary school she would soon be leaving was only fifteen minutes away (period). As she approached the school gates, she spotted her best friend, Sharna, getting out of her dad's car and him watching her as she walked across the road and into the school (period). He had been doing that for the past five years.

Okay that's just a few of them.

Zerin, I can see that you have a good story here. Very interesting characters with realistic personalities that are easy to identify with and like. That will keep a reader turning pages. But go back and give this MS the careful edit that it deserves. None of us can ever get it perfect, but we can make it polished and shiny for agent/readers :)

Eden

I think you have a really good story. Your characters are engaging. I'm particularly fascinated by Ameera. She seems to have some challenges ahead of her. The interaction between the three girls seems very realistic and age appropriate. Well done.

Love chic lit and love your character's names. You've got my backing and high stars! ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

These are likeable characters, each one with a distinct and different personality, which means that the reader can sympathise or favour with at least one of them. I personally liked them all, although Ameera (nice name) is my favourite. I also like the Greek element in the story and her dad being traditional, because being from a Croatian family, my parents were also traditional, well, a lot more than the average New Zealander.

Your dialogue was good, nice and natural, and how YAs would talk. I didn't notice any typos or errors apart from the missing commas that need to surround the name of the person who is being talked to in the dialogue. eg. "Do you remember when Kimi pierced your ears Ness?" **The comma is missing after ears.

Other than the commas, which is a minor thing and easily fixed, all was very good. Well done, Marita.

Hi Zerin

Thanks for inviting me to have a read! I found the characters interesting and the developing story for each of them believable, there is a lot going on to keep the reader interested.

Looking forward to reading some more, highly starred on my WL and will appear on my bookshelf by the end of this week.

Thanks
Susan

A great read. Very well written with an easy to read style that can easily be related to.

You obviously have the chick lit genre nailed!
Being a bloke, I can see the merits in your writing and like the interaction between the characters, but if I'm honest, it's not what I'd choose to read. This isn't due to your writing, it's just the theme - and I'm a 42 year old bloke / old fart.
I did catch a couple of typos - can't fully remember where though. One was "quite" instead of "quiet" - in chapter 1????
Good luck with this anyhow! :-)
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Another 2 chapters and I am loving the diffferent worlds of the characters you have created. strong plot and characters.

Good Luck!

Another 2 Chapters totally in love with your characters and story. Highly starred.

Hi Zerin,

This book is a lovely read and I'm already loving getting to know all the characters. Well done on writing a compelling first book and I look forward to seeing how the story unfolds.

Penny

Of coarse this book is not aimed at my age group, but to be fair I like to read all kinds, a quite well written book although for me a slightly confusing amount of sisters brothers and friends, I am sure it will do well and many young people will eat it up.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Hi Zerin,

Your book's first chapters didn't fail to captivate me.

There are several main characters, but each one is different from the other. Early on, I can already sense the freshness and sassiness of the whole book which is a very good reason to keep going. I liked the idea of their enduring friendship, the engaging conflicts, and interesting love interests, but most of all, I felt how each one was eager to go for what they wanted in life.

My favorite is Ameera. She's fabulous, just the perfect one any girl would want to be. You've done a very good job. Congratulations!

You deserve 5 stars!

All the best,
Di - My Beautiful Stalker

3 Chapters in, you have realistic and likeable lead characters and each of their stories, so far are gripping. I liked the way you've introduced Ness's background via her 'diary' thought that was nicely done. The pace is great, keen to read more, which is a good sign. Giving this 6 stars! And backed with pleasure.

Good luck!

Jo

As a non-lover of chick lit, I was pleasantly surprised with this offering. Well written and full of gasp out loud moments. I'm now left wanting more! Very well done Zerin, now get the second one finished so I can find out what happens next!!! E

As a non-lover of chick lit, I was pleasantly surprised with this offering. Well written and full of gasp out loud moments. I'm now left wanting more! Very well done Zerin, now get the second one finished so I can find out what happens next!!! E