IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN I, MOST LIKELY, HAVE DIED. I am sorry that this fell to your hands but you must read on. You must kill the one who made me. Well, Adam was the one who made me a vampire. He must die, but I alone know all the reasons why.
What you are reading will contain my life story. In it you can see his personality. His sins, corruption, and pure evilness will show through my life. Once you have read this, you will know me, and in that, you will know him.
I am going to write a bit about myself, my mortal life. It is not the most educational way to impart my knowledge, but I think knowing me, learning the way I learned, will help.
It was 1883. I was turning 16 years old. I stood on the landing between the downstairs Hall and the upstairs corridor of my father’s house. I was staring at the woman in the mirror that had stolen my face. At least that’s how I felt.
It was my Coming of Age Debut ball. My father was not nobility, but we were wealthy. Wealthy enough that, as it was explained to me, some men would seek my hand for nothing other than a business connection, with no thought to feelings. I tried not to think that downstairs there were men who would be looking at me as a possible business expense. I tried to focus on having fun at my very first ball.
Earlier in the night I had sat in my dressing room as my nurse and mother were painting my face. Pulling my hair into place. After squeezing into a dress commissioned just for tonight, they rushed me out to the hallway with etiquette reminders. Then told to wait until father announced me.
So there I stood looking in the mirror. Mother had pulled most of my hair into a bun in the back of my head. She had curled ringlets into the front of my face so they hung down in front of my ears to my shoulders. In the back she had made them touch my shoulders at the edges but slowly got longer. The ringlets at the center of my back almost touched my waist. I loved my hair but had never seen it so beautifully done. My hair flowed with me when I turned, but returned to its place when I stopped. The slow point to my lower back made my waist seem smaller. Somehow it also looked feminine and young, while proud and grown at once.
My hair amazed me, but not as much as the dress. The dress was worth staring at, even if I wasn’t in it. It was deep green, cut so low that I felt naked. Mother assured me that it was proper and fashionable. That no one would take notice. I was still shocked. I thought if no one would notice then why couldn’t I have a higher collar like hers, but I did not ask.
There was nothing on my shoulders. The lace sleeves cuffed my arm, going straight across my chest to the other sleeve. The lace went across my chest, or rather the small part covered, layered over the soft velvet of the bodice.
The bodice pushed what little I had up, held it in place, while pulling my waist as tiny as it could go. When I had first seen it I thought I would be uncomfortable. It wasn’t much smaller than the dinner one I had worn before, so I could handle it.
My silk skirts were the same emerald-green, slightly bumped out in the back so my hair almost touched them when I looked up. The skirts went all the way to the tip of my shoes, so when I walked I did not walk on them. Giving the illusion that they touched the floor. The smallest of hoops allowed the tips of my light green boots to be seen when I stepped.
I turned side to side watching the skirts flow. My hair bouncing. I could not believe it was me that I was looking at.
I could already hear people downstairs getting there at the beginning of the night. I had been given a small dinner so I would not be hungry throughout the night. Mother assured me that I would not want to eat in front of people the first time they saw me.
“It’s not that it’s unladylike, but when first meeting, one does not want to think of chewing and digesting food.” She had told me when I asked. I had gone to the washroom before putting on the dress. All that was left was for her to tell Father I was ready.
He would bring everyone to the Hall. He would announce me as the green curtains hung atop our stairs opened to reveal me standing at the top. I was to walk down, trailing just my fingertips on the handrail, without looking down. Smile out to the crowd with unwavering grace. Father would take my hand and then I was to interact with the guests.
The problem was once I saw myself I forgot almost everything. I had trouble remembering what dance went to what song. How I was to address certain people. I was still staring at myself, wondering what I was going to do, when Mother came from upstairs.
Her dress was a very simple yet elegant light blue. She had real sleeves on hers, along with a neck line that covered her chest and shoulders. I loved my dress but silently wished it a bit more like hers in style, just so I would feel covered.
“You look beautiful. I cannot believe how you have grown.” She came down to the landing and held her hands out for me. I went to her. Put my fingers in her hands as she pulled me into a small hug.
“Do not worry. This is your night, no one else’s. It may lead to a new life, or it may not, but do not worry about that. Enjoy this night.” She spoke with a smile but her eyes were shining. Her mouth pulled down just a little at the corners.
“Mother, I am worried though, what if I do not like anyone here. If a man here does ask for my hand, I am scared I won’t be happy.” Until I said it aloud I didn’t even know that it was bothering me.
“That is not a concern for tonight, dear. You should always know that, no matter what happens, you will always be my little girl. Your father and I care for you very much. We would never see you unhappy.” She pulled me close again without messing our dresses.
“Now I will go tell your Father we have finished and when he believes all are here he will call for you.” She let go and rushed down without looking at me. But to this day I still think I saw her wipe away a tear.
I stood there a bit longer playing with my dress, then sat down on the chair by the mirror. If I was to be dancing and walking around all night I wanted to rest my feet first. The sound of voices got a bit louder as more arrived and guests shown to the ballroom. My stomach was doing flips as I tried to calm down and breathe.
‘Would he be here’ I thought. ‘Is the man who will one day be my husband here tonight?’ I was going crazy with my own thoughts when I heard,
Yes. I am here.
I looked around but saw no one. I peeked around the edge of the curtains at everyone down the stairs. All were talking cheerfully.
‘I must be going crazy.’ I thought to myself.
No my darling you are fine
I could hear my father starting the speech announcing me. I didn’t catch the words as he hushed the crowd. I was making sure my dress looked right. That my hair was in place. I was getting ready for the curtain to open when a whisper passed my ear again.
You have never looked bad a day in your life, stop worrying and just come find me
I tried so hard to keep a smile on my face but worry sat in my mind. Where was this voice coming from, was there someone upstairs teasing me? Was I imagining things? I heard my father words only in pieces for the voice kept interrupting him.
“For coming tonight…“
No problem I would not miss it for the world.
“The proudest moment in my life…”
And in mine.
“The pleasure of announcing..”
The pleasure of receiving.
I didn’t even hear my father speak my name but the curtains were opening. So I stood straight and smiled. Father turned to me holding up a hand. It was my cue to start walking down the stairs. I kept my head up, smiling over the crowd as I was shown. Glancing down only with my eyes to check my footing. Gliding my fingertips on the rail but not grasping with my hand.
You are beautiful.
I kept smiling as my father waited up for my hand. He took my fingers and stood with me as everyone clapped. He pulled me into a very small hug as my mother came over to stand with us.
“Thank you all so much for joining us this evening” I said in as hostess-like voice as I could manage. They all clapped again as my father walked me into the center of the ballroom with mother beside me.
All I could think of though, was the voice.
Wouldn’t have missed this night for anything dearest.
As we entered the ball room and the others followed, the music started. My father started the first dance with me. Everyone watched at first. I could see a few mothers nudging their boys to walk forward. I smiled a little at their shyness. At least I wasn’t the only one nervous.
Father Looked down at me. “It is good to see you smile. You look so beautiful, like your mother. I hope you enjoy tonight.”
“I will try Father,” I replied, “I just hope my feet can stay up with me through the dance” He laughed quietly. Mumbled something about his little redheaded jester as one young man finally stepped forward.
As he walked forward, so did my mother. We separated and she took fathers hand as I was passed to the gentleman.
“Good evening” I said as he took my hand.
“Good evening to you, Miss Tamson. My name is Edward.”
Mister Eddy better not think he can keep you.
I ignored the voice but looked around to see if anyone had heard it. Others had started dancing in pairs. A few young men were dancing with other guests but looking our way.
Edward and I spoke for a little while. His father had gone to school with mine. Now they worked with each other. As he was starting to talk of his own career another young man tapped his shoulder. Asking for a dance. Edward bowed to me and gave my hand to the new gentleman.
“I look forward to another dance” and he disappeared into the crowd.
“Hello Miss Tamson, I am Nicholas, you look lovely this evening”
He is a fiend.
I danced with Nicholas until the end of the song. He had spent the entire time talking about me. How nice I looked. Complimenting my father on finding a dress that made my beauty 'ever so much more brilliant'.
I didn’t tell him that my mother had found the lady and helped design it. I just smiled thinking, ‘This is one of those men who see me as a business expense. Something to look pretty on his arm.’
As the dance ended he bowed to me and another young man came up. He looked like he was just a few years older than I and nervous through his smile. I instantly liked him, because he was not overconfident. He bowed as he took my hand.
“Good evening Tamson,” He said as polite as his shaky voice would allow. “Are you enjoying this evening?”
“Yes, I have been enjoying myself.” I answered politely back.
You do not enjoy yourself too much.
I smiled past the scolding from nowhere.
“That is wonderful. I hope you are not overwhelmed by everyone here tonight.” He seemed sincere I didn’t have to force a smile on my face.
“I hope I am not either. Please, sir, what is your name?”
“Oh my. I forgot to introduce myself. I, well, I am Fredrick. I am afraid I do not have any title or family story for you to pretend to find interest in.”
I laughed before I could stop myself. Then put my face down blushing. A few people round us turned with concern or distaste on their faces, but he just grinned.
“Do not hide your face from a smile or laugh. Happiness should not be kept out of view.”
I looked up at him, “No it should not, so I shan’t. Fredrick. What is that you do, or are you schooling?”
“Oh not that it matters, but I am in school. My father died when I was younger. Our family was already wealthy from previous generations, and he had been a business man. We own land here and in other regions. Mother is well taken care of. I am learning to take over when I am ready.”
“I thought you said you had no story,” I joked at him. He grinned with a touch of blush on his cheeks.
“Is your mother here tonight?”
“Yes. She is over sitting by the veranda window. She has tea with your mother on occasion and thus my invitation tonight” At this he truly reddened as if he thought he did not deserve to be here. I liked that he blushed so much. It meant he felt things. He did not think himself better than others.
“Well Fredrick, it pleases me that our mothers take tea together or I may never have met you” At this he smiled but mine wavered for all I heard was.
You should not be pleased that he is here, only that I am.
His smile faltered. I thought it was due to mine wavering, but he turned. I saw that someone else was tapping him to dance with me.
He politely handed me to the next man. Nodding happily when I said “It has been a pleasure meeting you.”
It went on like that for a few more songs. I found myself passed around to different gentlemen. Each hoping that he would like me enough to court me. Each just as boring as the last. I felt like I had danced with everyone who was not in a dress. All the time I would hear the whispering voice in my ears. No one else seemed to notice so I began to just smile through it.
A few times the voice itself made me grin. The man I would be dancing with would think he was making me happy, so sometimes it worked. The music slowed and my father was holding my hands again.
“Are you enjoying yourself little one?” He asked as we started to move.
“Yes Father.” My responses were getting shorter as my feet tired. I smiled and we danced in silence for a little. Then he led me over to the side of the dance floor. Sitting me down on a particularly soft tête-à-tête before the song ended. When I looked up he put up a hand and said, “You rest here. You have been up for a while and you need to relax. I will be back shortly.”
He walked off. A few young men approached while I waited to ask for a dance. I promised them I would dance later, but at the moment was waiting for my father. No one wanted to argue with a fathers claim so they all graciously backed away. I was looking out into the crowd, watching them dance. Feeling the seat move I turned to see who had sat on the other side.
“Pardon me Miss Tamson.” I saw Fredrick holding a glass.
“I saw your Father sitting you down and thought you might like a drink.” He handed me the glass before he moved to leave.
“Thank you so much Fredrick. Please sit by me and talk while I wait for Father to return. Maybe it will stop everyone from asking me to dance.”
His smile was so wide I thought he might clap his hands. He sat back down on the other side of the tête-à-tête very calmly.
We sat for a little while, talking about other people here tonight. I enjoyed just sitting. Leaning on the chair to relax as we talked. We had spoken very briefly about who we knew and didn’t know when my father came back.
“Hello Father. This is Fredrick, he brought me a drink” I stood and introduced them.
“Thank you for taking care of my daughter, I was going to ask her to dance, but if you would like to?” He made it a question but walked away, with my glass, before either of us could say anything.
“Well, I guess you better dance with me before someone else takes my hand.”
“Oh my lady, you force me to do such a terrible thing as dance with you. You should be ashamed.” We laughed quietly as we danced back to the middle of the ballroom.
He was able to dance with me for almost whole the song before someone else came to dance with me. I was a little sad to see him go. He at least made me smile. He felt like a friend when the others all seemed too formal. Which I should have been as well, but it wasn’t as fun.
As I went to the next man I started hearing the voice again. I hadn’t even noticed it had gone.
Sorry I left for a while. I.
I needed to eat.
I turned around looking. It was no longer a quiet whisper that seemed inside my head. I felt breath on my shoulders. The words seemed solid. Yet the man I was dancing with was just looking out into the crowd. He did not even notice me. He was just dancing.
I am ready for you now. Come find me.
‘I’m going mad’ was all I could think, ‘How can there be a voice with no real person?’
Oh I am real. You have no idea how real I am.
The songs kept playing as I was passed around to dance with more men. Some came back. Some didn't. While I talked to them I was trying to match their voice to the one I was hearing. I thought one of them must be tricking me somehow. However, each time I would think I may have found someone I would hear him mocking
Oh that’s not me, my pretty miss.
Finally, exhausted, I looked up at the young man holding my hand realizing I didn’t even know his name.
You don’t need to worry about HIS name.
“I am sorry, sir, but I must ask that I take my leave. I need to rest my feet”
“As you wish, it was my pleasure to dance with you Miss Tamson.” I nodded my head politely as I started to walk away.
I walked to the edge of the dancers, politely refusing a few dance requests on the way. I stepped out the door onto the veranda. The sun was setting. A chill had started to move in but I needed air.
You need me.
I turned to see whose hand was on my shoulder but no one was there. I glanced over the yard. Eyes wide, I searched the entrances to our garden maze. I could see no one.
“Whose there?” I spoke aloud. Surely this was some game an older man was playing on me. I was just too naive to understand how it was done. No one answered. I started to feel the cold. I was rubbing my arms as I turned to go inside. Stopping short I gasped.
“Father you startled me, I did not know you were there.” He smiled at me from the doorway as he lit his pipe. He walked over and we both looked out to the maze.
“Are you still enjoying yourself or are you out here to escape everyone?” He asked me with a smile.
“Oh no I am having a wonderful time,” I lied. The voice was beginning to fill my thoughts.
“I just needed some fresh air, I was feeling flushed.” I looked over the tops of the bushes. I had played in the maze so often as a child I knew every twist and turn. I had given my nurse quite a scare one time by hiding in the middle. She got lost trying to find me. I had to go back to her and walk her out. She was so happy to be out, laughing that I had come to save her, that I did not get in trouble.
“My child I do not want you to wear yourself out tonight. If you feel like you must rest you can bid goodnight and no one will mind. Women often leave early, do not worry. The men will just sit around talking about unimportant things.”
“No father I am fine. I just needed to catch my breath. I will be in momentarily to help hostess the party.” I smiled up at him but felt it fade. He just looked down smiling back. I still do not know if he saw my face fall or not.
“Well then, if you are enjoying yourself so much, what has made this night pleasant?”
“Well,” I thought out loud, “I have never danced so much in one night before. I enjoy hearing how beautiful I am..” I nudged him and he laughed.
“Yes, my little jester, you are beautiful tonight. Tomorrow is different though. I order you to be my little girl again. Is that understood?”
“Oh yes sir,” I joked back. “Let's see. I am pleased to see mother so dressed up. It’s nice to see you at home, but not working.”
“Alright, I understand, you like the ball. What I am asking, my little one, is if any man has kept you happy, or if it is just the ball?”
“OH! Is that what you were asking?” I jested at him. We laughed as we often did. Became quiet together as we looked out to the maze again. I don’t know if he was looking at it or just over it, but something was drawing me to it.
“Actually Father, I have found one person that keeps a smile on my face.” He turned and glanced at me.
“Really? Should I be worried?”
“Oh I should not think so. I met Fredrick. Mother has tea with his mother every so often. He has danced with me twice and brought me the drink. He is nice to talk to.”
“Yes I know the lad. He is working hard to finish school so he can come home. Take over his father’s ventures.” He turned towards the house with a hand held out for me.
“Come, let us go inside. It is getting cool outside and you have nothing to warm you.”
I looked back out in the bush maze. Something was making me want to stay outside. Though, at the time, I did not know what.
“If it pleases you father, I would like to stay just a moment longer. I promise to come inside before I catch ill. I would like to rest just a moment more.” He smiled.
“As my little one wishes, so shall I do. I will go dance with your mother, as it pleases you to see us smiling.” He put his arm around my shoulder. Kissed the top of my forehead. “You do look beautiful tonight little one. It both saddens me and fills with me with joy to see you so grown.”
I hugged him back as much as my corsets would allow. He let go moving to go inside. I watched him as he got to the door, put out his pipe and looked up at me.
“I will see you inside.” He said as he walked in. He left the door open so no chance would I be locked out back. I turned back to the maze. I began walking down to the staircase that led down to the grounds. I looked over my shoulder to the doors.
‘I should go back in. It is getting cold. I should sit in the warmth.’ I thought. I was walking back up the stairs when I heard it.
‘But I am here now.’
I turned to look down the stairs. That breath had been on my ears, I could almost feel someone watching me.
‘But where?’ I thought.
'Come find out'. I heard in my head.
‘I’m going mad. There’s no other explanation. I sped up a little as I walked to the doors. My mind-set on going inside, ignoring this strange voice that haunted me. Maybe Fredrick would dance with me again, or I might meet someone else who was worth talking to.
I turned back to the maze. That one was real. I was sure of it. It was not in my head at all, but spoken into my ears. The wind still echoed with the one word.
Without knowing why I started walking back to the maze. Not using rail or eyes to watch my steps, I simply walked without thinking. I never looked back at the doors.
No one saw them slowly shut in a quiet breeze. The party went on inside, but I was walking into the maze.