Book Jacket

 

rank 4306
word count 63069
date submitted 24.10.2008
date updated 18.06.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Science Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

Connected Obsessions

Neil Mavrick

How far would you go to save the woman you love?
Beyond the boundaries of science?
But what if you had never actually met her?

 

Rachel Starr is a wannabe actress. Ever since she realised there were such people as movie stars, she’d set her heart on joining them.

She has been in Hollywood for two years, but she is not alone. There are hundreds like her, and many face dangers from those who would entice them into the world of pornography, prostitution - or simply into bed.

The story follows the life of Rachel Starr from the age twenty-two, when we first meet her. It is a life that holds many emotions. Love and happiness certainly, but also heart-ache and sadness, and more than a hint of jealousy. A life of contrasts, too, and one that reveals an intriguing mystery along the way, culminating in a revelation the shock of which penetrated even into her soul.

Paul Lander is an enigmatic character, possessing an intimate knowledge of what the future holds for Rachel - unless he can use his three obsessions to intercede on her behalf.

Three connected obsessions.

 
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tags

climate change, global warming, the ecology

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Chapters

4

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Audition Terminated

Loweski's agility, considering his size, was surprising. He was behind her almost before she'd tried the handle, grabbing her by the hair and causing her to cry out in pain.

"You ungrateful, arrogant bitch," he spat, manhandling her to the far side of the desk and on towards the cupboard door, which he opened.

Rachel cried out again as he half dragged her into  a short corridor.  Her sandals slipped off her feet when he hauled her into a room in the centre of which was a makeshift bed. It had metal chains with leather cuffs at all four corners.  Rachel went cold upon seeing those.

"I'll show you what making movies is all about." The hatred in his sneering voice was unmistakable as he pushed her backwards over the end of the bed.

"Let me go," Rachel demanded, trying to kick out at him, but he was far too strong, and real fear was taking over with the realisation that she was in considerable danger.

Loweski's face was red and twisted in fury.  God, he's psychotic, thought Rachel, before momentarily looking away, hoping against hope to see something she could use in her defence. Instead she felt physically sick. Two camcorders were set on tripods to one side of the room, each displaying the telltale red lamp indicating that they were recording.

"Let you go?  Oh no. I'll take what I want whether you like it or not, Miss Arrogant, and just for the record, when we've had our fun I'm sure that there'll be a nice little cameo piece to show around -- once I've edited out some of the more incriminating bits, of course.”

Rachel screamed.  "Leave me alone.  You can't do this."  Once again she tried desperately to hit out and wriggle away, then began to cry as she realised that she couldn't.  Her voice fell as she begged, "Please don't do this, please let me go," between sobs.

Her tormentor simply laughed.  "But I want to, my dear.  Lie still and enjoy it, or struggle and I'll chain you to the bed and really get to work on you.  It's your choice."  The menace despite, or perhaps because of, his matter-of-fact voice was chilling.

He used one hand to hold both of her arms pressed above her head against the mattress and, with the other, ripped her blouse open with such force that he tore a large strip off.  Then he tried to pull off her bra.

The next few minutes were bewildering, terrifying and confusing.  Rachel felt both hot and cold at the same time. She heard herself scream at least twice, but it was like being in a dream.  Loweski's free hand was trying to reach up her skirt along one leg, and his weight pressed hard on her other.  She tried desperately to pull her arms free, and to kick out, but that last movement was a mistake. It made it easier for Loweski's hand to reach up and grab her briefs, and she froze momentarily.

There was another, distant sound, one she couldn't quite make out.

A shadow loomed over her and she screamed yet again, sensing a quick movement in her direction, then gasped as Loweski's full weight descended on her, crushing her against the bed.  He was so heavy, she couldn't breathe.  God, was she to suffocate?  Then his limp body rolled off hers, over the edge of the bed and hit the floor, shaking the room.

The shadow, however, was still there.  She tried to focus but her eyes were blurred by tears.  She felt hands drawing the remnants of her blouse around her and something warm was wrapped around her shoulders before she was lifted up and carried away.  Then, for a moment, she blacked out.

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

Rachel came to with a start.  For a few, confusing seconds she wondered where the heck she was, until she remembered Loweski and, realising that someone was holding her, started to panic.

She struggled. "Let me go. Let me out of here.”

"It's OK, honey.  You're safe now."  It was Annie's voice, calm and reassuring.

Rachel  looked up in disbelief, and pulled away from her companion. "Annie?  Is that really you?”

"Yes.  And Sam's here too."  But Rachel had collapsed back into her arms, sobbing profusely.

She couldn't stop the tears.  She felt Annie draw her close, stroking her hair and muttering occasional words of comfort, but the horror of the past few minutes wouldn't go away.

There were vague noises from around but she paid scant attention.  At one stage she heard a voice, Sam's she thought, saying that he'd put something in the trunk, and soon after that felt the sensation of movement. That was when her senses began to return to normal.

Eventually the tears stopped and Rachel pulled away from Annie. They were in the rear seats of a limousine.  What the hell was she doing in a limo? And why was she wearing a sweat-shirt? A man's sweat-shirt, judging from the size of it. She pulled the top away from her so that she could examine what was left of her blouse.  That nearly started her crying again.

Rachel dropped her hands.  One hit her sandals, which were on the seat beside her, and she absentmindedly slipped them back onto her feet. She looked around.

Sam was in the front passenger seat next to someone she didn't recognise. That guy was driving but occasionally glancing at her in the rear view mirror.

"Where are we?  How come you knew I was in trouble?”

Sam turned to face her.  "We're taking you home, gal.  Meet Paul."  He indicated the driver, who gave her a brief nod in the mirror. "You have him to thank.  Paul discovered you'd be in danger tonight, and asked us to help out.”

Paul?  Who's Paul?  And how did he know she'd be in trouble?  Before Rachel could ask, the stranger spoke for the first time.  "Yes, Miss Starr, and I'm so sorry we were late.”

"Late?" asked Rachel in some surprise, forgetting her questions for a moment.  "And it's Rachel, not Miss Starr."  Under the circumstances that sounded far too formal.

"OK, Rachel.  I was worried about getting you out of the clutches of Loweski only to find yourself in the hands of another man you'd never met. I thought it better that you had a woman around, so I asked Mr and Mrs O'Brien to help.”

"Mr and Mrs O'Brien?" queried Rachel. The questions were bubbling to the surface again and she was finding it hard to concentrate whilst her mind was jumping to and fro like this.  Who had he said?  "Oh, Sam and Annie.”

Paul continued. "Unfortunately we got caught up in traffic.  I'd hoped to get there in time to prevent him doing anything at all. I'm desperately sorry, Rachel.”

"That's plain silly," she responded. "I'm only too thankful that you knew what he planned, and got there before  -- before --" She paused and her voice fell.  "In any case, it was my fault.  I must have sent out the wrong signals. He --“

"Now stop right there."  She jumped. There was real anger in Paul's voice.  "Get this straight, Rachel.  You're not the slightest bit responsible for anything that happened."  His voice died down and he even gave her an encouraging smile in the mirror.  "Sorry.  My anger's not directed at you, but at the likes of Loweski.  He and his kind have absolutely no rights to try and take advantage of young women in this way.  To use rape and blackmail is --”

"Oh, my God.  Blackmail.  He was filming his attack.  He'll still --”

"Relax, gal."  Sam interrupted.  "We have all of his videos, including yours, in the trunk.”

"And with luck," added Paul, "there'll be some unedited copies of other assaults he's carried out in the past.  People like him relish watching themselves usurping their power over women.  Hopefully, we'll find sufficient evidence to hand over to the authorities.”

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

The limousine drew up outside Rachel's apartment block. Paul turned to face the women. "This OK?  Will your flat mate be in? Or would you rather --”

Annie interrupted.  "Don't worry, Paul.  If Vanessa isn't in, Sam and I will stay with Rachel until she gets back. We can walk home.”

"Sure?" asked Paul.

"Quite sure." That was Sam.  "We're certainly not going to leave her alone.”

"Good.  OK."  As Sam and Annie climbed out of the limo, Paul handed Rachel a small card.  "Rachel, go and talk to this lady.  She's an excellent agent and she makes damned sure all of her younger clients are looked after.”

Rachel glanced at the name. Alice Williams. She recognised it. "I've already tried her.  In fact I reckon I've tried them all. She's got too many on her books and can't accommodate any more.”

Paul gave her a warm smile. "Show her that card.  I think you'll find she'll change her mind.”

For a moment Rachel was quiet.  She'd taken in all Paul had said, but  was feeling a little light-headed, and his smile had disturbed her.  Put it down to reaction, she thought to herself before muttering, "OK," and climbing out of the limousine to join the others on the sidewalk.

"All right, dear?" Annie slipped her arm around Rachel's waist.  Rachel nodded and moved towards the entrance to the apartments.  Then she stopped and spun round.

"Paul, I haven't --" But he was driving away.  "Oh."  She was disappointed.  "I never thanked him properly, or asked him..."  Damn. She still had no answers to her questions.

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

Paul was in a reflective mood as he drove off.  He'd managed to get Rachel out of Loweski's clutches, but he was furious with himself for putting her in jeopardy. 

Goddamn it, and after all that work. He'd almost wrecked his plans. He should have allowed longer for the traffic.  He'd played safe in everything else, following Rachel and keeping a watchful eye on her during the week when he'd no real need to do so.  Today was the crucial day. So why hadn't he played safe today as well?  Goddamned fool!

Perhaps he should simply have warned her not to go to tonight's audition.  That would have been the safest bet,  but once he'd got her into the limo out of harm's way, he'd wanted to find the evidence, to collect filmed records of Loweski's assaults. Then he could stop the bastard once and for all.

Paul started to shake at the thought of what would have happened had he arrived much later.  He had to stop driving, and it took some minutes to recover.

After that, he felt OK.  Rachel was safe; that was all that mattered.

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

As the three of them entered the apartment, Vanessa came bouncing out of her room.  "Hi. That was quick.  I didn't expect you so so...on."  The word 'soon' was dragged out as she noticed Rachel's pale face and both Sam's and Annie's expressions.  "Oh, my God."  She went up to Rachel and took her arm.  "What's up, Rae?" but that made Rachel dissolve into tears again.  "Hey -- what's happened?"  The question was directed at Sam and Annie, as Vanessa led her companion to the sofa and sat her down.

Sam and Annie between them explained everything.

"The pig," shouted Ness when they'd done so, jumping up and pacing to and fro.  "If I ever catch sight of him, I'll kick his balls until he screams.”

That made Rachel give a weak smile.

"I'd cut them off," commented Annie, and she didn't appear to be joking.  "It's a good job the men made me wait in the limo.”

By then Rachel was feeling more composed.  "Everything happened so quickly, and it was so confusing. I couldn't take it all in. And I was crying so much I couldn't see properly." She turned to Sam. "I can remember someone wrapping what was left of my blouse around me, and lifting me up.  Was that you, Sam?”

"No. Paul. He'd climbed the stairs and smashed the office door down before I'd even reached halfway up the first flight." Sam was clearly impressed.  "By the time I got there, he was already carrying you out. Once he'd got you safely into the limo with Annie, we collected up all the camera stuff and tapes.”

"I was really worried when he sat you next to me." Annie's expression reflected that concern. "You looked terrible, and you were so still.”

Rachel pulled at the sweat-shirt.  "Whose is this?”

"Paul's," replied Annie. "He wrapped it around you before carrying you out.  I managed to get you into it once you were in the limo.”

Rachel reached out and took her hand.  "I'm really grateful to you both.”

"Don't be silly! In any case, it's really Paul you should thank.”

Rachel nodded then agreed quietly.  "Yes.  Paul."  But Paul who?  She'd have to find out.  There were so many questions she needed to ask.

 

Chapters

4

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Kevin Alex Baker wrote 996 days ago

Neil,

Wow, this is a mind-twister in the best possible way! You do a wonderful job at blending dreamy romanticism with science fiction, and I'm curious to see where you take this!

Nice job! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

M. A. McRae. wrote 829 days ago

Well written and a gripping story. Polished - no typos that I saw in the first four chapters. Very well done, to be backed, Marj.

Bradley Haynes wrote 885 days ago

The story is full of mysterious intrigue, the characters are interesting with lots to unravel and the opening chapters are thoroughly engaging ensuring a promising read.
Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

missyfleming_22 wrote 989 days ago

This is the kind of science fiction that really makes your mind work overtime but in a good way! Its brain candy! I think you have a wildly original storyline and exciting characters. It grows and grows and doesn't seem to let up. I would have read on for sure!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 996 days ago

Neil,

Wow, this is a mind-twister in the best possible way! You do a wonderful job at blending dreamy romanticism with science fiction, and I'm curious to see where you take this!

Nice job! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Barry Wenlock wrote 998 days ago

Hi Neil,
I read the first two chapters and enjoyed them. You write well and I didn't spot any typos.
I liked the opening with 81? year old Paul remembering when he was 21 and what happened. A good intro.
Then, we meet Rachel and sam and Annie in the burger bar. Rachel starts to develop as a strong character and her thoughts as she climbs the stairs is well handled.
My one thought that was in the sentence, 'She doesn't sound all that enthusiastic, thought Rachel, perhaps she's had a bad day', you have switched to Rachel's thinking at that moment. ie her inner voice, if you see what I mean -- it felt odd as i don't think it had happened before. (just a thought)
Anyway, backed with real pleasure,
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Johanna Kern wrote 1020 days ago

Neil,

This is a truly good read: heartfelt, intriguing, and very well crafted!

I am not an expert on depicting grammar - forgive me for not concentrating on that - every book needs an editor anyway :). What I can, however, comment on is your stunning ability to tell a good story. Not just with your truly excellent style (which I love!). But also with the images and feelings that you use in such skillful and compelling way.

It is not easy to tell a good story. Many know how to use beautiful phrases and proper grammar. Not so many know how to tell a story that would keep the readers on their toes. And you certainly can!

I was reading this with such great pleasure, feeling connected with your protagonist from the start: loving his sensitivity, huge heart, wondering thoughts and the story he lives.

Excellent writing! My complements.

Thank you so much for the exchange read - what a fine piece of writing your book is. And I wish you the very best of success from the bottom of my heart.

Back with the utmost pleasure.
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Ariom Dahl wrote 1036 days ago

I've read two chapters and want to read more, so this is shelved.

Pride wrote 1039 days ago

Hello Mavrick
Just a few points in no particular order of your chapter 1.
In the first part of your chapter 1 you keep using the word they, who are they,family, friends, acquaintances, who. instead of "ascending some steps," how about "ascending a flight of steps". You write, "but her haunted smile" this puts me in mind of somebody being petrified, being a little picky here as your main character is remembering her try "but her haunting smile". Regards Pride

Telegraph wrote 1048 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

Telegraph wrote 1048 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

Telegraph wrote 1048 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

homewriter wrote 1051 days ago

What a tender start with him looking at her sleeping. Beautifully done! You will make it to the Ed's desk for sure! Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

lynn clayton wrote 1052 days ago

Neil, your pitch is excellent. I've read the first fours chapters and I think you've got a winner of a book. It's well-written but light, exciting and even - dare I say it - commercial.
The plot as it unfolds at the beginning, with Rachel lured under the promise of an audition into a situation where she is almost raped is something which could well happen in Hollywood. It could probably happen in England now, with Equity undermined.
At first we're certain that the casting director is the man who's been watching Rachel in the burger bar. Then it turns out that he's the hero of the situation. A clever twist and suspenseful. I'm sure this will do well. All it needs is a dramtic cover. Backed. Lynn

Caroline Hartman wrote 1053 days ago

Neil,
I liked this, a lot. You have the tension working, the mystery. I saw no nits. You have the story line, the dialog, the narrative, it all works. I feel as if I'm a fly on a cloud watching the unfolding of a strange tragedy. I need to write more.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

klouholmes wrote 1054 days ago

Hi Neil, The person watching Rachel absolutely captured me into the story. And Rachel is inviting, going about her dream in a strong way while her worries about Vanessa and porn point to the weak end of the system. The dialogue furthers the story well and I liked the character descriptions. They come in at an appropriate time, without delaying. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

JD Revene wrote 1055 days ago

Neil,

Good atmospheric prologue. One thing you might look at, though, is the beginning of paragraph four: that first sentence threw me a little, still does when I look back at it (maybe I'm having a dense evening).

Chapter one also starts well, though in the first scene I felt there was a little too much exposition about Sam, the scenes with Rachel worked well, as do the short cut scenes to the observer.

The opening to the next chapter feels slightly awkward, as if the description of the outfit is there soley for the reader's benefit, but the dialogue is good and the relationship between Ness and Rachel is building nicely.

Then the chapter ends on a good hook.

There's a strong story here, well told with a good sense of tension. The odd spot, for me anyway, the story bogs down in extraneous detail, but there's potential here for sure.

Backed.

Sly80 wrote 1058 days ago

The start has the rare quality of telling us that whatever happens, Paul (it is Paul?) will finish the story as a happy man. Not many novels can get away with that, but once in a while, it makes a pleasant change.

'The strangest feeling that someone was following her', sounds sinister, but is it? I think not. The Friday evening appointment with the casting director looks more suspicious. Turns out so, 'she turned the handle. The door was locked'. Hm, what happened there? Paul ... and Sam and Annie. 'Hopefully, we'll find sufficient evidence to hand over to the authorities'.

'She needed to discover how this complete stranger had known she was in danger', so does the reader. Paul Lander, one step nearer. Alice has a sense of humour which is just as well after Rachel calls her PA Medusa. Shocking news about the suicide though.

This is a puzzling story, Neil, warm and entertaining, often amusing, but always mysterious. The chapters are a nice size for a page-turner, and the plot will keep them turning to find out how Paul knows what he knows. The pitch also hints at even bigger things, but I suspect at the heart of this is whether Paul and Rachel will ever find romance together. A refreshing change from the more hard-edged stories ... backed.

Possible nits: 'over the Saturday / Sunday night ... on the Sunday/Monday', why not just, 'over the Saturday night ... on the Sunday night'?

Daniel Manning wrote 1066 days ago

Paul Lander inbetween rescuing a young actress from being assulted, and warning of possible bush fires over a real estate deal, has pioneered the Lander Institute. Concerns about the worlds ecology has him on current affairs programes in the company of senators. Paul Lander connected obsession seems to work, on the principle of interconnecting strings, the actress he rescued needs an agent, he is owed a favour by an agent, he saved from getting stung in a real estate deal. Connecting strings because the actress becomes a big star and some impressionable youngsters, especially ones with an illness, can be inspired by. Is it coincidence Paul Lander knows just such a child.
Paul Lander is truly a mysterious character completly banal upon first impression and then tranforms into a miracle worker of epic proportions. Wonderful premiss in the someone watching over me vane so for that reason ' Connected Obsessions has my backing.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Craig Ellis wrote 1073 days ago

Sci -fi and romance have been elegantly combined in your story. It is a great premise, with well defined characters and an easily visualized world. A great read! Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

name falied moderation wrote 1083 days ago

Dear Neil,
Just absolutely loved this read, loved it. CONGRATS. Wow how does one find these wonderful gems in their heads. CONGRATS. Characters that are so real they want to move in with me, and certainly wont leave my head. Original storyline, and so well crafted.
BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine so I may improve my skill, and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise

SusieGulick wrote 1083 days ago

Dear Neil, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Doggonline wrote 1089 days ago

An entertaining and intriguing read that certiainly piqued and then kept my interest.

Andrew Burans wrote 1091 days ago

You explore inner emotions and feelings very well. The dialogue is well written and realistic and your predominate use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. I like your inter-woven story plot and how you smartly build the characters of Paul and Rachel. Your descriptive writing makes your novel a pleaure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Mooderino wrote 1093 days ago

The writing is very polished, reads well and the pace and flow are very good. The story has a lot of tension and her near rape and rescue are all very intriguing. Thinmgs don't develop in an obvious direction (which is good) and the mystery of Paul is nicely handled.

Overall a very good read. Backed.

DP Walker wrote 1094 days ago

Hi Neil
This is great stuff - at one point I had to scroll up to check whether it was fiction or non-fiction. I see it is fiction, but it is written so visually, it feels really credible. It's all so current as well with fame and people's obsession for it being so well documented all the time. This has so much more to it than meets the eye once you delve deeper. Fascinating.
DP Walker
Five Dares

SusieGulick wrote 1097 days ago

Dear Neil, I love the feelings that you depict of your struggling heroine, as if I was right there - well done. :) I thought my life was bad - I guess it could be worse. Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Burgio wrote 1097 days ago

CONNECTED OBSESSIONS
This is an interesting story; not only because of the relationship between Paul and Rachael but because it’s an inside look at what being a potential star in Hollywood must be like. I like the way you’ve written this in third person; tht’s a much more sophisticated style than the first person so many others use here. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Melcom wrote 1098 days ago

You have an easy writing style that is a delight to read. Very flowing no wasted words, what I call very rounded work all the writing disciplines covered expertly.

An excellent read that should be far higher in the chart.
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

yasmin esack wrote 1102 days ago

Dear Mavrick
I found your book impressive and more so, you connect well with the reader. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is a cut above the rest. Your main character is vastly appealing. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn.

carlashmore wrote 1112 days ago

this is a very intriguing pitch. I liked your profile a great deal but it was with chapter 1 Audition where I really got into your prose. You have such a punchy writing style and I mean that as a compliment. Very short, simple sentences, uncluttered with flowery descriptions that can often ruin good page turning novels. Your dialogue is slick and perfectly propels your narrative. I couldn't anything to nitpick in what I read.
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Babyeddieuk wrote 1446 days ago

Great prologue - no mucking about with the opening lines, and the character is immediately accessible as an obsessive. By the end of the prologue we want to know what happened to him and the actress, and are instantly drawn into the story. Great stuff and shelved.
Ed (Mutant Toe)

JANVIER wrote 1447 days ago

Hello Neil,

Your title caught my attention, the pitch made me want to read the story and the prologue got me hooked. Reading chapter 1-3 confirmed my best expectations. This is a well-written story full of insights and amazing characters. Rachel distinguishes herself wonderfully. The setting made a big difference and you did a great job describing the different emotions of the characters. The compelling plot gave further credence to the quality of the story and the pacing made it a page-turner.

A pat on the back for a job well done.

all the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Z.M.Noah wrote 1452 days ago

This is a real page turner. A very interesting read. Like how you give little away, which makes the reader want to read on to find out what happens. Really like the prologue, got me wondering who the girl in the bed is.
Backing this book.

ChrisX wrote 1456 days ago

Mavrick
This is an interesting premise although you give little away.
From reading the first chapter, I see you start in plu perfect. If you can write without "hads" you'll pull the reader in more.
Delete "had" from the opening line, because it flows better without. The had in italics, I'd change to "he'd" however I think you should switch to past tense.
Another thing to avoid if you can is "that" because it tends to make sentences read awkwardly. Read your line starting "No sooner..." I'd recommend restructuring this sentence avoifd the dreaded word.
I would cut the last line. It's unnecessar and feels hackneyed.
Start chapter 2 with "Wish me luck" - Its more active and, again, will pull the reader in.
In "Later that evening.." delete "that evening"
The last line.: Try "You pig," Rachel shouted as she jumped on Vanessa and tickled her. Vanessa's laughing cries of, "Sorry! Sorry!" rang through the house.
Quite a bit of work to do I think to make this promising story easier on the eye.
It's on my shelf to help you on your way,
Chris (I Dare You)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1458 days ago

Fascinating idea and very well written. I didn't read the synopsis and I was happy to be led into the tale. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Paolito wrote 1462 days ago

Bummer! I've finished c.5 and do so want to read more but don't have time. It's so rare that I want to read more than a partial....

Could I critique the writing? Probably...I tend to be a real nit-picker. So, I'll only say that, like all of us, you should read and re-read all the books on the writing craft.

But (insert appropriate swear word here) I couldn't stop reading. Absolutely marvelous narrative drive. What starts as an ordinary and too common story about an aspiring starlet quickly turns into something with more meat. Please let me know when this one is published.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (read mine? Backing optional.)

TomW wrote 1463 days ago

Comments on Chapters 1-4...

You have a good little mystery building here. There's a couple of instances of "telling", when you end up "showing" soon after. For instance, when we first meet Vanessa, you tell us about her attitude to men, then you show us through her dialogue and actions.

Paul at first seems like a 2d sicko, but he's starting to take on some third dimensions by the end of chapter 4, so I'm really wondering what he's up to! I almost feel like you could dispense with chapter 1 (the prologue), because it feels like you're giving us a bit of a hint of what he's up to, whereas the opportunity is there to keep the mystery a bit longer... Just a thought.

Nevertheless, it's good enough for a run on my shelf.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

sperber1 wrote 1464 days ago

The Hollywood cattle call. I have seen it in action myself. You can't help but feel sorry for the long line of young girls outside the studio doors, made up to appeal to insecure former nerds and dorks who once wouldn't get any of their attention, but now have power over their careers. A sad commentary.

And you draw Rachel Starr sympathetically in this light, which is right. She is naive, ambitious and likely to get taken advantage of. Her character comes through fine. Also, the obsessive man -- his character also comes through, but the prologue gets the reader thinking whether there is some time travel here -- is the older woman sleeping in the bed an older Rachel? That hold my attention.

One area you may want to look at -- your verb tense, which is unnecessarily passive. In your first paragraph of the prologue, for instance (and I am on chapter 2 now, so unfortunately I cannot re-open it without losing what I have written here so far), you use the word "have" or "had," as in "had done," when an active past tense verb would have done the same thing, but had more impact. Here's an example from this chapter: "This was the first time he had seen the girl in the flesh and so closely." You could just as easily write, "This was the first time he saw the girl in the flesh and so closely."

But that is a quibble. I like your book -- your story is compelling and obsession is always a good topic to use as a theme. Shelved.

Bob Avey wrote 1472 days ago

An intriguing premise and down-to-earth characters pull this story along nicely. The story of the waitresses at the burger bar, all wanting to be actresses but none actually making it rather reminds one of authonomy, doesn’t it? It’s on the shelf.

The POV switches bothered me a bit. Perhaps better transitions from character to character would help. Just something to think about.

Bob Avey

Elaina wrote 1472 days ago

Hi Neil

Ok, here goes. First your pitch drew me in. Your prologue is brilliant and had me turning the digital page. I admit, I kind of got stuck right at the start of chapter 1...uh-oh, I thought, romance, Hollywoodish...for me, a no-no. However, I had promised to read, and thus continued. And now I am glad I did. Punchy scenes, swift action build, and the mysterious man in the background who comes to the rescue.

I am mightily intrigued. Is Rachel the woman in the prologue? Who is Paul? Where is this leading?

Very well done- you got me, after all!

Happy to shelve for a time!

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

edquinn wrote 1474 days ago

Hi Neil

Enjoyed the start of your book, whereby you give the reader a glimpse into the mind of Rachel and the world of auditioning in Hollywood. You build up the relationship with Rae and Ness well.....you do not go any deeper with Ness's lack of enthusiasm at Rae's audition news. I liked that, as sometimes it is best to allow the reader to interpret ....was Ness jealous?...was there something later in the story that would be revealed?

To be honest, i wasn't expecting the audition from hell, to be exactly that. I didn't feel comfortable with what was possibly going to happen to Rachel....that was your goal i suspect....but felt relieved when she was rescued. I was caught up in the tension you had incorporated into this scene.....a scene that can so easily be written, but yet so easily forgotten...yours is the exception. Brilliantly done!!

I read on to the point of Rachel being returned to her apartment by Annie et al....your writing makes me want to read on...which is a difficult thing to accomplish.

I have no hesitation in backing this Neil.

Intrigued to finding out what happens later in the story.

On my shelf.

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

balkowski wrote 1474 days ago

Hi Neil,

What an interesting concept...your pitch hooked me right away, but the prologue kinda threw me for a loop. I kept on however and found chapter one enticing. I like your dialogue...it seems easy and realistic. A couple of times I did feel that you lapsed into tell mode (like in telling us Sam and Annie had no kids etc and therefore felt responsible for their waitresses), I'd have liked to see it in dialogue. Perhaps Annie wondering to sam why they always worry when their girls leave and he saying "because you haven't any of your own to fuss over..." Something like that I think would keep the pace moving right along and flowing naturally. I think your dialogue is your strenght. Obviously just my opinion - you know best where you are going with this!

Am on my way to chapter 2 now...enjoying immensely! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Cas P wrote 1475 days ago

Hi Neil.
Yours is an intriguing premise and I wasn't disappointed when I started to read. The prologue was fascinating, leading the reader to wonder whether the woman in the bed is somehow the girl in the poster. Rachel is a well drawn character, her aspirations familiar. Her struggle to find work, her relationship with Vanessa, all are entirely credible. You even give us the sadly forseeable predator, and the scene with Loweski was brilliantly tense. But the resolution of that scene was totally unexpected, making me revise the preconceptions I'd formed from the prologue. I liked that.
My only slight crit would be that despite Rachel's trauma, I'm sure her first question on being rescued would be how Paul knew she'd be in danger. Following chapters will address this, I'm sure, but I think she'd have wanted to know at once.
But that's only my opinion. I thought this was well written, tense and exciting, with a splash of mystery that made it intriguing. I'd definitely want to read on and so this is going on my shelf.
I would love to get your honest opinion of KING'S ENVOY.
All the best,
Cas.

Alecia Stone wrote 1476 days ago

Hi Neil,

This is very well written. The pace is quick and the sentence structure is perfect; it flows with ease. The story and the characters jump off the page. Rachel’s a wonderful character and Paul’s a mystery.

Mr. Loweski is a right arse, and the sad thing is there are many of him out there.

Really enjoyed reading this.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

kgadette wrote 1477 days ago

Suspenseful. Well written, had me going through 4 chapters.

"the concept was way removed from current thinking" way removed sounds like teenager speak, out of sync with higher thoughts of metaphysics, etc.
"for ever changing" should be "forever changing"
The roommates tickling each other is a bit juvenile. That activity doesn't seem believable for two adult women.
You write the audition scene well, including the makeshift table. The small portion of the script, you call it a "mini-script" is actually referred to as "sides," as in the casting director handed me the sides. (I'm an ex-actress.)
Great ending to Ch 3 with the locked door.
Smart, in that the opening chapter, you don't mention names. I went back to see if the narrator was Paul, but you've kept him a mystery. Which will definitely keep your readers going.
All best with this. Shelved.

mattrogers wrote 1478 days ago

Hi Neil,

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get to this. I'm impressed with what I've read so far. The writing is strong and moves along at a good pace. The opening chapter has a strong enough hook to keep me reading, and I'm intrigued by your premise, especially since I also deal with an obsession in my own manuscript. A small tidbit in the opening chapter: "that it could take his breath away" is a cliche term. And that's all i noticed, engrossed as I was in the story, so that's a very good sign. Placing this on my shelf for sure. Thanks for the opportunity to read this!

Matt Rogers

Corinna Turner wrote 1479 days ago

One thing has just occurred to me - if Paul planned to get her away from the director before he could lay a finger on her, why would he be so very worried about her not ending up with a strange man? Esp. since presumably the delay to fetch the O'Brians almost had very serious consequences... just a thought.

Corinna Turner wrote 1479 days ago

Hi, i'm really sorry to have taken such an extraordinarily long time to get to this. Unfortunately my authonomy reading had to come to a complete halt for 2 months during lambing, and i'm just getting back to my watchlist! (You commented on my book 'Witch Child' back around Christmas time.)

Intrigued by how the pitch will connect to the tags!
Effective prologue
I enjoyed chapter 1 (authonomy 2)
Good cliffhanger at the end of chapter 2 (3)!

Chapter 3 (4)
The actual attempted rape scene is effectively written, but i couldn't help finding the director's behaviour rather unlikely.
Ah, i thought the thud in the back was the director's body being loaded!
'watching themselves usurping their power over women' – this didn't make sense to me, i can't help wondering if 'usurping' is exactly the word you mean.

This is a very enjoyable read and it draws one along at a good pace. I see you're billing it as romantic sci-fi. There seems to me to be a strong element of the classic suspense thriller to it, despite the sci-fi aspects. This is an observation, not a criticism, i would like to emphasise.

I probably should mention that I'm feeling more connection to Paul than to the heroine. This is probably largely due to the first person aspect but my main suggestion might be to get a woman to read and comment on your female characters with close attention. I don't want you to take that the wrong way, though, because i do think it's very good as it is, but it's perhaps an element that you could make even better.

Especially with the hints of future environmental plot elements as well as romance and sci-fi i think it promises to be an original and entertaining read and I'm only sorry I'm unlikely to have time to read further.

maitreyi wrote 1483 days ago

love the first chapter. improve your pitch to do justice to your writing. happy to shelve this.

xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

maitreyi wrote 1483 days ago

hello neil
pleas bear in mind when you read my comments that i am the critic from hell (very fussy) BUT i am trying to help. these things are only my opinion so do ditch everything i say if it makes no sense to you. remember your pitch is what they see first. they may look no further.

Pitch :
'But what if you had never actually met?' i am picky but you are changing from the 'you' singular in the previous sentence to the 'you' plural here without any explanation of who the other person is. it sits a little strangely with me.

'illustrious band' - cliche

in your second paragraph there are some phrases that weaken your sentences and could be erased without harm : 'a little under' two years, 'and many, the girls especially,'not least', 'into the world of'

in your third para you might begin 'We meet Rachel at twenty-two..'
there is repetition in this para which might be avoided : 'the life of', ' a life that', a life of'

the phrase 'stuns her soul' sounds odd to me. you could just remove 'soul' or use a different verb? 'a revelation the shock of which penetrates even into her soul'?

suggestion : 'Paul Lander has three connected obsessions which he offers to use to save Rachel from her (fateful?) destiny. But how does he know what the future holds for Rachel?'

OK. on to chapter one.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT


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