Book Jacket

 

rank 4281
word count 63069
date submitted 24.10.2008
date updated 18.06.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Science Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

Connected Obsessions

Neil Mavrick

How far would you go to save the woman you love?
Beyond the boundaries of science?
But what if you had never actually met her?

 

Rachel Starr is a wannabe actress. Ever since she realised there were such people as movie stars, she’d set her heart on joining them.

She has been in Hollywood for two years, but she is not alone. There are hundreds like her, and many face dangers from those who would entice them into the world of pornography, prostitution - or simply into bed.

The story follows the life of Rachel Starr from the age twenty-two, when we first meet her. It is a life that holds many emotions. Love and happiness certainly, but also heart-ache and sadness, and more than a hint of jealousy. A life of contrasts, too, and one that reveals an intriguing mystery along the way, culminating in a revelation the shock of which penetrated even into her soul.

Paul Lander is an enigmatic character, possessing an intimate knowledge of what the future holds for Rachel - unless he can use his three obsessions to intercede on her behalf.

Three connected obsessions.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

climate change, global warming, the ecology

on 7 watchlists

70 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

14

report abuse

Verticellis

At the beginning of October, the apartment phone rang and  Rachel answered it to hear a voice she recognised immediately.  A nervous flutter hit her stomach.

"Rachel.  It's Paul."

She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Paul.  Good to hear from you."

"Keeping well?"

"Very well, thanks.  And you?"

"Oh, I'm OK. Bit tired from living out of a suitcase and banging my head against a brick wall,  but a few days at home will work wonders."

"Ah."  He really sounded a bit down.  "People not listening?"

"Some are.  Most aren't.  Anyway,  how about that get-together I promised?  Can I take you to dinner one evening?  Then we can talk."

You bet,  great.  "I'd like that."

"Good.  How about tomorrow evening?"

Not tonight?  "Sure. That would be fine."

"OK.  I thought we'd try Verticelli's?"

Verticelli's?  God that's supposed to be terribly expensive, but I love seafood.  "Sounds terrific, Paul.  If it's OK with you."

"Of course. Then, say I pick you up at around eight?"

"I'll be ready," and waiting.  "See you tomorrow, Paul."

"I'll look forward to it," and he'd rung off, leaving her to spend the next hour rummaging through her wardrobe and trying to decide what to wear.  She was still at it when Vanessa returned home.

"What are you doing?" Ness asked upon seeing Rachel's clothes strewn all over her room.

"Paul's asked me to dinner tomorrow, and I can't decide what to wear."  Rachel felt flustered.  She'd felt that way since he'd rung off, despite urging herself several times to calm down.

"Hey, relax.  If there's nothing that takes your fancy, you can look around the boutiques in the morning.  Go for something red; red looks good on you."

Rachel nodded somewhat absently, then clenched her fists. "What's the matter with me, for goodness sake?  I'm never like this before a date, and this isn't even a date in that sense. It's only so Paul can tell me more about the Institute."

"It's not a date in that sense for him, perhaps."  Vanessa's voice was remarkably serious, making Rachel look up in some surprise, "but it is for you." She walked into Rachel's room and started to gather up the strewn garments and hang them in the closet.  "Relax, gal.  We'll put these away and draw up a battle plan for tomorrow --"

"A battle plan?"  The comment made Rachel feel better, and she even laughed.  "I'm not declaring war on him."

"You know what I mean.  A trip to the shops in the morning, and you can get your hair done in the afternoon."  She glanced at her watch. "Ring them now; they should still be open."

Rachel forced herself to take a few more deep breaths.  She began to feel less tense.

Next morning she visited a boutique that Nessie had reminded her of; one where she'd seen a red dress that she quite fancied on their last shopping trip. To her relief it was still in the window, and it was in her size.  Display dresses usually were: she'd come to appreciate that some years ago.  She had her stylist pin her hair up, with ringlets falling at the back, and wore a matching red bow.

"You look real cool, Rae," was Vanessa's comment when Rachel finally emerged from her room.

Rachel gave a mock curtsey, then caught her breath when there was a knock on the front door.  "Oh, my God.  He's here," she whispered.

"Relax.  I'll get it."

Rachel watched Vanessa move to the door and open it in such a way that neither Paul nor Rachel  could see each other.

Ness held out her hand somewhere on the other side of the door.  "Hi. You're Paul. I recognise you from the TV.  I'm Ness, or Nessie, Vanessa. Whatever takes your fancy."

Rachel smiled as she heard his reply.  "I'll settle for Nessie, if that's OK.  Good to meet you."

"Yeah. Me too," drawled Vanessa.  Come on in."  She stepped to one side and opened the door fully as she spoke. "Your date awaits."

Paul stepped through.  God, thought Rachel, I thought that cliché about going weak at the knees was just that, but it's true.  He was wearing a dark tuxedo, and looked swell.   There was the slightest hint of a pause in his movements as he caught sight of Rachel,  but he recovered quickly and walked straight over to where she was standing.

He took both of her hands in his and stood back a little, leaving their arms outstretched. "You look fabulous, Rachel."

"Thank you."  That sounded inadequate,  but she was getting flustered.  Although an effort, she managed,  "It's kind of you to say so.  I'm all set."

He gave her one of those disturbingly warm smiles, replying,   "Then we'll go," and taking her arm, led her towards the door, pausing briefly as they reached Vanessa.  "I'm pleased we've met, Nessie.  I'll bring her back safe and sound."

"Sure," muttered Vanessa, then she lowered her voice to a whisper as Rachel passed her.  "Nice butt."

Rachel nearly burst out laughing,  but the comment brought her out of her semi-trance and she immediately felt good.  She gave her friend's arm a quick squeeze. "See you later, Ness."

"Yeah.  Have fun, Rae."

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

Verticelli's was located in its own grounds on the outskirts of Beverly Hills. When they'd arrived, Paul grabbed Rachel's jacket before leaving the limo, and handed it to her as she walked to join him.  "Thank you," she said, "but I was going to leave it in the car."

"You may need it."  He held out his arm, and she slipped hers through his.  This felt good.

"Good evening, Mr Lander, Miss Starr."  They were greeted by a guy whom Rachel later learned was one of the proprietors.  "I have reserved your usual table, sir.  If you will follow me..."

"How come he knows my name?" whispered Rachel.

"That's down to me," replied Paul.  "Unless I'm hosting a large party I usually let them know my guests' names."

"Neat touch."

They were led through the main restaurant to an outdoor area at the rear.  Rachel gazed around appreciatively. The area was illuminated by a series of lanterns that together spread a warm glow over their immediate surroundings, and there were candles on all the tables.  In the dark skies above, a host of stars twinkled ceaselessly.

"Wow, this is great," Rachel said, as their host pulled back her chair. 

He took Rachel's jacket from her as she sat down. "I'll hang this close by, miss, just in case it turns chilly."

She nodded. "Thank you."  Then she turned towards Paul although continuing to look upwards.  "Just look at all those stars.  They're so beautiful."  She was about to add 'what a romantic spot' but stopped herself in the nick of time.  It's not that kind of date, idiot.

Paul's reply caught her off guard. "Yes, but the most beautiful Starr is down here on earth."  She found herself holding her breath. He'd paid her compliments before, but that had simply been out of courtesy, hadn't it?  In that case there would have been no need for his last remark.  Could it be...?  "Flatterer," was all she said, though it was accompanied by an ear-to-ear smile.

A waiter appeared at her side.  She glanced up, expecting to be handed a menu,  but he was carrying a dish: seafood cocktail.

"I hope you won't mind, Rachel," Paul explained, "but I took the liberty of ordering in advance.  If there's anything you object to you must say so and we'll get you something else."

Rachel had been looking forward to seeing the menu and selecting her favourite dishes. To have that luxury denied her was a disappointment. She glanced quickly at Paul.  Her face must surely have betrayed her feelings, but he showed no sign of having noticed.  His expression was more one of concern, and she relented.  In any case, seafood cocktail was one of her favourites.

She managed a grin.  "I'll let you off, this once.  What have you selected next?"  She'd been thinking of lobster.

Paul shook his head.  "That will be telling."  She pulled a face at him.

The cocktail was delicious, especially the delicately flavoured sauce they'd used.

As they ate, Rachel brought the conversation round to the Institute. "What makes you so concerned for the future, Paul?"

He grimaced.  "Promise you'll stop me when you've had enough?"

She laughed.  "Yes, I promise."

"OK. So, have you ever heard of computer modelling?"

Rachel's ringlets flew as she shook her head vigorously.  "Don't ask me anything about computers. They leave me cold."

Paul smiled.  "Fair enough.  Well, with computer modelling you give the computer a load of information about this and that, and it tries to predict what will happen given the conditions that you have stipulated."

"A bit like weather forecasting?"

He shrugged slightly.  "In a way.  When I was younger, I helped to develop a technique that could be used to predict what might happen in the future given various environmental conditions. The results were grim."

Grim? Rachel was watching Paul's expression. That was an apt description. Rachel knew that he cared passionately about the environment, but seeing his face now, it was more than that, though she couldn't quite come up with the right word for it.

"Stuff like global warming and the thinning of the ozone layer?"  She asked after placing her spoon beside the now empty dish.  "That was delicious.”

"Sure, those are part of the story.  In their case they are both cause and effect."

Rachel digested that comment.  "They'll cause further problems, but are themselves the effect of what's already happened?"

"Exactly.  Many believe that both have come about by mankind's persistent habit of doing something and only worrying about the consequences afterwards."

"You say, many believe this, but you sound as if you're not really convinced, yourself."

Paul smiled.  "Very astute, Rachel.  I agree in respect of the thinning of the ozone layer, but I have yet to be persuaded that mankind is totally responsible for global warming, though we certainly haven't helped.  But I do believe that we must learn to think first and only act if we're absolutely sure there'll be no disastrous effects."

"But can we always know for sure?"

"Not always, perhaps, especially with advances in science and technology. But we must give it a shot, at least."

"OK,  but if what you say is true, how grim and how soon?"

"Very grim, and much sooner than everyone expects."

Whilst they'd been talking, one waiter had removed their empty dishes and another now presented himself, carrying a huge oval dish.  Rachel gasped in amazement when she saw the contents.  Two scrumptious-looking lobsters complete with all the trimmings.

"Hey," she gave a huge smile in Paul's direction.  "Lobster is my absolute favourite seafood.  This is great."  She noticed that he was watching her face.  "What's the matter?"

He shook his head.  "Nothing.  I was watching your features.  It's no wonder you'll make a great actress,  you have one of the most expressive faces I've ever seen."

She grinned.  "I'm not acting now."

"No, I know.  Anyway, I'm glad you approve.  Tuck in.  Enjoy."

Which she did.

"Very grim, you were saying.  Like what?" asked Rachel before taking a mouthful of the delicious fleshy meat.

"I have a list of climatic and geological events that computer modelling has predicted over the next two hundred years or so, if we take no action now."

"Goodness, that sounds heavy."  She nodded to the waiter who was offering her wine.  "Please.”

"It is.  I won't bore you with the details, but in one hundred and fifty years time over thirty percent of the present world's land will be under water,  the atmosphere will be a hostile mix of toxic rain and dust falling on largely barren land.  All that will be left of the world population will be but a fraction of what it is now, and they'll have to dwell in towns that are enclosed in some form of covering as protection from the hostile environment."

Rachel dipped her fingers in a finger bowl and then wiped them on a small towel.  "No wonder you're concerned.  In this country, too?" She tried the wine.  Great.  With food and drink like this it was hard to pay too much attention to future climatic disasters. But as soon as she'd thought that, she felt guilty, and tried to concentrate more on what Paul was saying.

"Yes.  Here too."  He fell silent for a moment to sample  his wine.  "I'll give you an example of what's in store.  You know of the Great Lakes, up on the border with Canada?"  Rachel nodded.  "They'll merge into one vast inland sea.  A single great lake, with one or two small islands.  And all of the existing cities, Chicago, Detroit, Toronto and so on will disappear beneath its waters."

"What about Florida?" asked Rachel, thinking of home.

Paul shook his head.  "Florida and most of the neighbouring coastal states will be beneath the Gulf of Mexico."

She shivered a little.  "That's horrible.  But these are only predictions.  How can you be so sure they're accurate?"

Paul shrugged.  "I just know.  Every single predication for the period from 1990 to the present time has proved accurate. I no longer regard them as predictions, but as ordained events."

"Ordained by whom?" asked Rachel quietly.

"Mankind."  Something in his voice caught her attention. It was a simple enough response, but it sent a chill through her body.

Paul reached over and took her hand.  "Don't let it get to you.  Let me worry about it.  That's what the Institute is for."

She sighed.  "But it's such a huge task, Paul.  What can you possibly do?"

"I have a number of things in mind.  I have to persuade enough people to believe what I'm saying;  enough to make us reevaluate how we're treating the planet.  Besides, it's by no means just down to me.  I'm a small cog. There are many environmental groups out there doing excellent work, if governments would only listen to them. The Institute, with its modelling skills, might be able to add gravitas.  It's not too late if we can change our ways."

"How will you know if and when that happens?"

"Ah.  That's a surprisingly easy question to answer.  The day that one of my predictions proves to be false will be the day when I can start to relax; just a little."

Rachel studied Paul's face for a moment or two.  There was one aspect of all this that bothered her. Insignificant really, but she had to mention it.

"Under the circumstances I'm surprised you use a limo.  That hardly seems environment-friendly."  She gave a quick laugh. "Don't get me wrong.  I'm glad you do.  I sure wouldn't have fancied riding pillion tonight.”

He grinned. "Don't let your eyes deceive you, Rachel.  It might look like a typical limo; heavy and gas guzzling, but it's far from standard."

"Really?"

He nodded.  "The Institute has a small investment in a company that specialises in designing environment-friendly transport.  They let me use one of their prototypes to check it out.  It's much lighter than you'd expect, using space-age technology in the construction.  And there's a dual power source. Such units are gradually becoming more popular since Toyota introduced their first production models using such a combination, a few years back."

"I hadn't heard of such things."

"No, and you're not alone.  Most people would say the same.  There'll be a better appreciation of them in a few years time."

Rachel gave a mischievous grin.  "And there was I, thinking you were going against your own beliefs."

Paul glanced across at her.  His features were sombre,  but as he studied her own expression he smiled.  "No.  As I think you very well know, I take such issues extremely seriously.  It's one of three obsessions that I have."

Obsession.  That was it.  That was the word she'd been searching for earlier.  "Yes.  I can see that."  But he'd mentioned three. "What are the others?"

It was his turn to grin.  "They are all connected, but I'll tell you another time.  When it's more appropriate."  Rachel was intrigued, but decided not to pursue it further.  Besides, the 'another time' sounded promising.

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

Paul had ordered strawberries and cream for the next course; yet another choice that Rachel would probably have made had she ordered for herself, and she was enjoying those when, out of the blue, she asked, "Have you ever been married, Paul?"

She'd wanted to ask for some time but the question caught him with a mouthful. He nodded and then waited until he could speak.  "Yes. Some time ago."  Rachel was studying his face. It held a strange expression. Not sad exactly, more wistful, but there was most certainly an unmistakable hint of tenderness that, for a moment, gave her a tinge of jealousy.

"What happened?"

"A boating accident. Well, more of a mystery really; it disappeared without trace."

"That's terrible.  I'm so sorry.  Perhaps you'd rather not talk about it."

He gave her another odd, wistful look, but nevertheless smiled happily.  "These things happen.  I've been around long enough now to realise that there's often little obvious reason why some things do and others don't.  It was an immensely happy period of my life, and I'm grateful to have experienced it.”

"Did you have children?"

"No, no children."  His voice fell a little. "But that's all in the past. Well --"  He paused, looking thoughtful.  "Yes, all in the past."  Rachel reached over and took his hand.  She received yet another disturbing smile before he added, "We have to live in the present.”

-----------------------------------------------****-----------------------------------------------

Standing on the restaurant steps whilst waiting for their limo to be brought round, Rachel was once again gazing up at the stars.  "I'd forgotten how marvellous the great outdoors can be.  We have a decent yard back home, but since coming to Hollywood I've not been able to simply sit out there and enjoy it all, without taking a trip out to somewhere or other.”

"I know what you mean.  I think we often take all this for granted.  Still, that's not a problem," answered Paul.  "You must treat Larches as your own.  If you'd like to, that is.  Come round whenever it takes your fancy.  Even if I'm not there, you can still sit out on the terrace or elsewhere in the grounds. Anderson will look after you.”

"I couldn't do that, Paul.  It's much too much of an imposition.”

"Nonsense.  We can also chat more about the environment, and what to do about it.”

"Well, I'll think about it."  She hugged his arm.  "But thank you, that's real sweet.”

Chapters

14

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Kevin Alex Baker wrote 969 days ago

Neil,

Wow, this is a mind-twister in the best possible way! You do a wonderful job at blending dreamy romanticism with science fiction, and I'm curious to see where you take this!

Nice job! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

M. A. McRae. wrote 802 days ago

Well written and a gripping story. Polished - no typos that I saw in the first four chapters. Very well done, to be backed, Marj.

Bradley Haynes wrote 857 days ago

The story is full of mysterious intrigue, the characters are interesting with lots to unravel and the opening chapters are thoroughly engaging ensuring a promising read.
Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

missyfleming_22 wrote 961 days ago

This is the kind of science fiction that really makes your mind work overtime but in a good way! Its brain candy! I think you have a wildly original storyline and exciting characters. It grows and grows and doesn't seem to let up. I would have read on for sure!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 969 days ago

Neil,

Wow, this is a mind-twister in the best possible way! You do a wonderful job at blending dreamy romanticism with science fiction, and I'm curious to see where you take this!

Nice job! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Barry Wenlock wrote 970 days ago

Hi Neil,
I read the first two chapters and enjoyed them. You write well and I didn't spot any typos.
I liked the opening with 81? year old Paul remembering when he was 21 and what happened. A good intro.
Then, we meet Rachel and sam and Annie in the burger bar. Rachel starts to develop as a strong character and her thoughts as she climbs the stairs is well handled.
My one thought that was in the sentence, 'She doesn't sound all that enthusiastic, thought Rachel, perhaps she's had a bad day', you have switched to Rachel's thinking at that moment. ie her inner voice, if you see what I mean -- it felt odd as i don't think it had happened before. (just a thought)
Anyway, backed with real pleasure,
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Johanna Kern wrote 992 days ago

Neil,

This is a truly good read: heartfelt, intriguing, and very well crafted!

I am not an expert on depicting grammar - forgive me for not concentrating on that - every book needs an editor anyway :). What I can, however, comment on is your stunning ability to tell a good story. Not just with your truly excellent style (which I love!). But also with the images and feelings that you use in such skillful and compelling way.

It is not easy to tell a good story. Many know how to use beautiful phrases and proper grammar. Not so many know how to tell a story that would keep the readers on their toes. And you certainly can!

I was reading this with such great pleasure, feeling connected with your protagonist from the start: loving his sensitivity, huge heart, wondering thoughts and the story he lives.

Excellent writing! My complements.

Thank you so much for the exchange read - what a fine piece of writing your book is. And I wish you the very best of success from the bottom of my heart.

Back with the utmost pleasure.
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Ariom Dahl wrote 1009 days ago

I've read two chapters and want to read more, so this is shelved.

Pride wrote 1011 days ago

Hello Mavrick
Just a few points in no particular order of your chapter 1.
In the first part of your chapter 1 you keep using the word they, who are they,family, friends, acquaintances, who. instead of "ascending some steps," how about "ascending a flight of steps". You write, "but her haunted smile" this puts me in mind of somebody being petrified, being a little picky here as your main character is remembering her try "but her haunting smile". Regards Pride

Telegraph wrote 1020 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

Telegraph wrote 1020 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

Telegraph wrote 1020 days ago

An awesome read with intriguing charcters and mysteries that lie just below the surface as if reaching out for someone who wasn't there. Yey always has been. C W

homewriter wrote 1023 days ago

What a tender start with him looking at her sleeping. Beautifully done! You will make it to the Ed's desk for sure! Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

lynn clayton wrote 1024 days ago

Neil, your pitch is excellent. I've read the first fours chapters and I think you've got a winner of a book. It's well-written but light, exciting and even - dare I say it - commercial.
The plot as it unfolds at the beginning, with Rachel lured under the promise of an audition into a situation where she is almost raped is something which could well happen in Hollywood. It could probably happen in England now, with Equity undermined.
At first we're certain that the casting director is the man who's been watching Rachel in the burger bar. Then it turns out that he's the hero of the situation. A clever twist and suspenseful. I'm sure this will do well. All it needs is a dramtic cover. Backed. Lynn

Caroline Hartman wrote 1025 days ago

Neil,
I liked this, a lot. You have the tension working, the mystery. I saw no nits. You have the story line, the dialog, the narrative, it all works. I feel as if I'm a fly on a cloud watching the unfolding of a strange tragedy. I need to write more.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

klouholmes wrote 1027 days ago

Hi Neil, The person watching Rachel absolutely captured me into the story. And Rachel is inviting, going about her dream in a strong way while her worries about Vanessa and porn point to the weak end of the system. The dialogue furthers the story well and I liked the character descriptions. They come in at an appropriate time, without delaying. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

JD Revene wrote 1027 days ago

Neil,

Good atmospheric prologue. One thing you might look at, though, is the beginning of paragraph four: that first sentence threw me a little, still does when I look back at it (maybe I'm having a dense evening).

Chapter one also starts well, though in the first scene I felt there was a little too much exposition about Sam, the scenes with Rachel worked well, as do the short cut scenes to the observer.

The opening to the next chapter feels slightly awkward, as if the description of the outfit is there soley for the reader's benefit, but the dialogue is good and the relationship between Ness and Rachel is building nicely.

Then the chapter ends on a good hook.

There's a strong story here, well told with a good sense of tension. The odd spot, for me anyway, the story bogs down in extraneous detail, but there's potential here for sure.

Backed.

Sly80 wrote 1030 days ago

The start has the rare quality of telling us that whatever happens, Paul (it is Paul?) will finish the story as a happy man. Not many novels can get away with that, but once in a while, it makes a pleasant change.

'The strangest feeling that someone was following her', sounds sinister, but is it? I think not. The Friday evening appointment with the casting director looks more suspicious. Turns out so, 'she turned the handle. The door was locked'. Hm, what happened there? Paul ... and Sam and Annie. 'Hopefully, we'll find sufficient evidence to hand over to the authorities'.

'She needed to discover how this complete stranger had known she was in danger', so does the reader. Paul Lander, one step nearer. Alice has a sense of humour which is just as well after Rachel calls her PA Medusa. Shocking news about the suicide though.

This is a puzzling story, Neil, warm and entertaining, often amusing, but always mysterious. The chapters are a nice size for a page-turner, and the plot will keep them turning to find out how Paul knows what he knows. The pitch also hints at even bigger things, but I suspect at the heart of this is whether Paul and Rachel will ever find romance together. A refreshing change from the more hard-edged stories ... backed.

Possible nits: 'over the Saturday / Sunday night ... on the Sunday/Monday', why not just, 'over the Saturday night ... on the Sunday night'?

Daniel Manning wrote 1039 days ago

Paul Lander inbetween rescuing a young actress from being assulted, and warning of possible bush fires over a real estate deal, has pioneered the Lander Institute. Concerns about the worlds ecology has him on current affairs programes in the company of senators. Paul Lander connected obsession seems to work, on the principle of interconnecting strings, the actress he rescued needs an agent, he is owed a favour by an agent, he saved from getting stung in a real estate deal. Connecting strings because the actress becomes a big star and some impressionable youngsters, especially ones with an illness, can be inspired by. Is it coincidence Paul Lander knows just such a child.
Paul Lander is truly a mysterious character completly banal upon first impression and then tranforms into a miracle worker of epic proportions. Wonderful premiss in the someone watching over me vane so for that reason ' Connected Obsessions has my backing.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Craig Ellis wrote 1045 days ago

Sci -fi and romance have been elegantly combined in your story. It is a great premise, with well defined characters and an easily visualized world. A great read! Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

name falied moderation wrote 1056 days ago

Dear Neil,
Just absolutely loved this read, loved it. CONGRATS. Wow how does one find these wonderful gems in their heads. CONGRATS. Characters that are so real they want to move in with me, and certainly wont leave my head. Original storyline, and so well crafted.
BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine so I may improve my skill, and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise

SusieGulick wrote 1056 days ago

Dear Neil, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Doggonline wrote 1061 days ago

An entertaining and intriguing read that certiainly piqued and then kept my interest.

Andrew Burans wrote 1063 days ago

You explore inner emotions and feelings very well. The dialogue is well written and realistic and your predominate use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. I like your inter-woven story plot and how you smartly build the characters of Paul and Rachel. Your descriptive writing makes your novel a pleaure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Mooderino wrote 1066 days ago

The writing is very polished, reads well and the pace and flow are very good. The story has a lot of tension and her near rape and rescue are all very intriguing. Thinmgs don't develop in an obvious direction (which is good) and the mystery of Paul is nicely handled.

Overall a very good read. Backed.

DP Walker wrote 1066 days ago

Hi Neil
This is great stuff - at one point I had to scroll up to check whether it was fiction or non-fiction. I see it is fiction, but it is written so visually, it feels really credible. It's all so current as well with fame and people's obsession for it being so well documented all the time. This has so much more to it than meets the eye once you delve deeper. Fascinating.
DP Walker
Five Dares

SusieGulick wrote 1070 days ago

Dear Neil, I love the feelings that you depict of your struggling heroine, as if I was right there - well done. :) I thought my life was bad - I guess it could be worse. Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Burgio wrote 1070 days ago

CONNECTED OBSESSIONS
This is an interesting story; not only because of the relationship between Paul and Rachael but because it’s an inside look at what being a potential star in Hollywood must be like. I like the way you’ve written this in third person; tht’s a much more sophisticated style than the first person so many others use here. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Melcom wrote 1070 days ago

You have an easy writing style that is a delight to read. Very flowing no wasted words, what I call very rounded work all the writing disciplines covered expertly.

An excellent read that should be far higher in the chart.
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

yasmin esack wrote 1074 days ago

Dear Mavrick
I found your book impressive and more so, you connect well with the reader. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is a cut above the rest. Your main character is vastly appealing. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn.

carlashmore wrote 1084 days ago

this is a very intriguing pitch. I liked your profile a great deal but it was with chapter 1 Audition where I really got into your prose. You have such a punchy writing style and I mean that as a compliment. Very short, simple sentences, uncluttered with flowery descriptions that can often ruin good page turning novels. Your dialogue is slick and perfectly propels your narrative. I couldn't anything to nitpick in what I read.
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Babyeddieuk wrote 1419 days ago

Great prologue - no mucking about with the opening lines, and the character is immediately accessible as an obsessive. By the end of the prologue we want to know what happened to him and the actress, and are instantly drawn into the story. Great stuff and shelved.
Ed (Mutant Toe)

JANVIER wrote 1419 days ago

Hello Neil,

Your title caught my attention, the pitch made me want to read the story and the prologue got me hooked. Reading chapter 1-3 confirmed my best expectations. This is a well-written story full of insights and amazing characters. Rachel distinguishes herself wonderfully. The setting made a big difference and you did a great job describing the different emotions of the characters. The compelling plot gave further credence to the quality of the story and the pacing made it a page-turner.

A pat on the back for a job well done.

all the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Z.M.Noah wrote 1425 days ago

This is a real page turner. A very interesting read. Like how you give little away, which makes the reader want to read on to find out what happens. Really like the prologue, got me wondering who the girl in the bed is.
Backing this book.

ChrisX wrote 1428 days ago

Mavrick
This is an interesting premise although you give little away.
From reading the first chapter, I see you start in plu perfect. If you can write without "hads" you'll pull the reader in more.
Delete "had" from the opening line, because it flows better without. The had in italics, I'd change to "he'd" however I think you should switch to past tense.
Another thing to avoid if you can is "that" because it tends to make sentences read awkwardly. Read your line starting "No sooner..." I'd recommend restructuring this sentence avoifd the dreaded word.
I would cut the last line. It's unnecessar and feels hackneyed.
Start chapter 2 with "Wish me luck" - Its more active and, again, will pull the reader in.
In "Later that evening.." delete "that evening"
The last line.: Try "You pig," Rachel shouted as she jumped on Vanessa and tickled her. Vanessa's laughing cries of, "Sorry! Sorry!" rang through the house.
Quite a bit of work to do I think to make this promising story easier on the eye.
It's on my shelf to help you on your way,
Chris (I Dare You)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1431 days ago

Fascinating idea and very well written. I didn't read the synopsis and I was happy to be led into the tale. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Paolito wrote 1435 days ago

Bummer! I've finished c.5 and do so want to read more but don't have time. It's so rare that I want to read more than a partial....

Could I critique the writing? Probably...I tend to be a real nit-picker. So, I'll only say that, like all of us, you should read and re-read all the books on the writing craft.

But (insert appropriate swear word here) I couldn't stop reading. Absolutely marvelous narrative drive. What starts as an ordinary and too common story about an aspiring starlet quickly turns into something with more meat. Please let me know when this one is published.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (read mine? Backing optional.)

TomW wrote 1435 days ago

Comments on Chapters 1-4...

You have a good little mystery building here. There's a couple of instances of "telling", when you end up "showing" soon after. For instance, when we first meet Vanessa, you tell us about her attitude to men, then you show us through her dialogue and actions.

Paul at first seems like a 2d sicko, but he's starting to take on some third dimensions by the end of chapter 4, so I'm really wondering what he's up to! I almost feel like you could dispense with chapter 1 (the prologue), because it feels like you're giving us a bit of a hint of what he's up to, whereas the opportunity is there to keep the mystery a bit longer... Just a thought.

Nevertheless, it's good enough for a run on my shelf.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

sperber1 wrote 1437 days ago

The Hollywood cattle call. I have seen it in action myself. You can't help but feel sorry for the long line of young girls outside the studio doors, made up to appeal to insecure former nerds and dorks who once wouldn't get any of their attention, but now have power over their careers. A sad commentary.

And you draw Rachel Starr sympathetically in this light, which is right. She is naive, ambitious and likely to get taken advantage of. Her character comes through fine. Also, the obsessive man -- his character also comes through, but the prologue gets the reader thinking whether there is some time travel here -- is the older woman sleeping in the bed an older Rachel? That hold my attention.

One area you may want to look at -- your verb tense, which is unnecessarily passive. In your first paragraph of the prologue, for instance (and I am on chapter 2 now, so unfortunately I cannot re-open it without losing what I have written here so far), you use the word "have" or "had," as in "had done," when an active past tense verb would have done the same thing, but had more impact. Here's an example from this chapter: "This was the first time he had seen the girl in the flesh and so closely." You could just as easily write, "This was the first time he saw the girl in the flesh and so closely."

But that is a quibble. I like your book -- your story is compelling and obsession is always a good topic to use as a theme. Shelved.

Bob Avey wrote 1444 days ago

An intriguing premise and down-to-earth characters pull this story along nicely. The story of the waitresses at the burger bar, all wanting to be actresses but none actually making it rather reminds one of authonomy, doesn’t it? It’s on the shelf.

The POV switches bothered me a bit. Perhaps better transitions from character to character would help. Just something to think about.

Bob Avey

Elaina wrote 1445 days ago

Hi Neil

Ok, here goes. First your pitch drew me in. Your prologue is brilliant and had me turning the digital page. I admit, I kind of got stuck right at the start of chapter 1...uh-oh, I thought, romance, Hollywoodish...for me, a no-no. However, I had promised to read, and thus continued. And now I am glad I did. Punchy scenes, swift action build, and the mysterious man in the background who comes to the rescue.

I am mightily intrigued. Is Rachel the woman in the prologue? Who is Paul? Where is this leading?

Very well done- you got me, after all!

Happy to shelve for a time!

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

edquinn wrote 1447 days ago

Hi Neil

Enjoyed the start of your book, whereby you give the reader a glimpse into the mind of Rachel and the world of auditioning in Hollywood. You build up the relationship with Rae and Ness well.....you do not go any deeper with Ness's lack of enthusiasm at Rae's audition news. I liked that, as sometimes it is best to allow the reader to interpret ....was Ness jealous?...was there something later in the story that would be revealed?

To be honest, i wasn't expecting the audition from hell, to be exactly that. I didn't feel comfortable with what was possibly going to happen to Rachel....that was your goal i suspect....but felt relieved when she was rescued. I was caught up in the tension you had incorporated into this scene.....a scene that can so easily be written, but yet so easily forgotten...yours is the exception. Brilliantly done!!

I read on to the point of Rachel being returned to her apartment by Annie et al....your writing makes me want to read on...which is a difficult thing to accomplish.

I have no hesitation in backing this Neil.

Intrigued to finding out what happens later in the story.

On my shelf.

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

balkowski wrote 1447 days ago

Hi Neil,

What an interesting concept...your pitch hooked me right away, but the prologue kinda threw me for a loop. I kept on however and found chapter one enticing. I like your dialogue...it seems easy and realistic. A couple of times I did feel that you lapsed into tell mode (like in telling us Sam and Annie had no kids etc and therefore felt responsible for their waitresses), I'd have liked to see it in dialogue. Perhaps Annie wondering to sam why they always worry when their girls leave and he saying "because you haven't any of your own to fuss over..." Something like that I think would keep the pace moving right along and flowing naturally. I think your dialogue is your strenght. Obviously just my opinion - you know best where you are going with this!

Am on my way to chapter 2 now...enjoying immensely! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Cas P wrote 1448 days ago

Hi Neil.
Yours is an intriguing premise and I wasn't disappointed when I started to read. The prologue was fascinating, leading the reader to wonder whether the woman in the bed is somehow the girl in the poster. Rachel is a well drawn character, her aspirations familiar. Her struggle to find work, her relationship with Vanessa, all are entirely credible. You even give us the sadly forseeable predator, and the scene with Loweski was brilliantly tense. But the resolution of that scene was totally unexpected, making me revise the preconceptions I'd formed from the prologue. I liked that.
My only slight crit would be that despite Rachel's trauma, I'm sure her first question on being rescued would be how Paul knew she'd be in danger. Following chapters will address this, I'm sure, but I think she'd have wanted to know at once.
But that's only my opinion. I thought this was well written, tense and exciting, with a splash of mystery that made it intriguing. I'd definitely want to read on and so this is going on my shelf.
I would love to get your honest opinion of KING'S ENVOY.
All the best,
Cas.

Alecia Stone wrote 1448 days ago

Hi Neil,

This is very well written. The pace is quick and the sentence structure is perfect; it flows with ease. The story and the characters jump off the page. Rachel’s a wonderful character and Paul’s a mystery.

Mr. Loweski is a right arse, and the sad thing is there are many of him out there.

Really enjoyed reading this.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

kgadette wrote 1449 days ago

Suspenseful. Well written, had me going through 4 chapters.

"the concept was way removed from current thinking" way removed sounds like teenager speak, out of sync with higher thoughts of metaphysics, etc.
"for ever changing" should be "forever changing"
The roommates tickling each other is a bit juvenile. That activity doesn't seem believable for two adult women.
You write the audition scene well, including the makeshift table. The small portion of the script, you call it a "mini-script" is actually referred to as "sides," as in the casting director handed me the sides. (I'm an ex-actress.)
Great ending to Ch 3 with the locked door.
Smart, in that the opening chapter, you don't mention names. I went back to see if the narrator was Paul, but you've kept him a mystery. Which will definitely keep your readers going.
All best with this. Shelved.

mattrogers wrote 1451 days ago

Hi Neil,

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get to this. I'm impressed with what I've read so far. The writing is strong and moves along at a good pace. The opening chapter has a strong enough hook to keep me reading, and I'm intrigued by your premise, especially since I also deal with an obsession in my own manuscript. A small tidbit in the opening chapter: "that it could take his breath away" is a cliche term. And that's all i noticed, engrossed as I was in the story, so that's a very good sign. Placing this on my shelf for sure. Thanks for the opportunity to read this!

Matt Rogers

Corinna Turner wrote 1451 days ago

One thing has just occurred to me - if Paul planned to get her away from the director before he could lay a finger on her, why would he be so very worried about her not ending up with a strange man? Esp. since presumably the delay to fetch the O'Brians almost had very serious consequences... just a thought.

Corinna Turner wrote 1451 days ago

Hi, i'm really sorry to have taken such an extraordinarily long time to get to this. Unfortunately my authonomy reading had to come to a complete halt for 2 months during lambing, and i'm just getting back to my watchlist! (You commented on my book 'Witch Child' back around Christmas time.)

Intrigued by how the pitch will connect to the tags!
Effective prologue
I enjoyed chapter 1 (authonomy 2)
Good cliffhanger at the end of chapter 2 (3)!

Chapter 3 (4)
The actual attempted rape scene is effectively written, but i couldn't help finding the director's behaviour rather unlikely.
Ah, i thought the thud in the back was the director's body being loaded!
'watching themselves usurping their power over women' – this didn't make sense to me, i can't help wondering if 'usurping' is exactly the word you mean.

This is a very enjoyable read and it draws one along at a good pace. I see you're billing it as romantic sci-fi. There seems to me to be a strong element of the classic suspense thriller to it, despite the sci-fi aspects. This is an observation, not a criticism, i would like to emphasise.

I probably should mention that I'm feeling more connection to Paul than to the heroine. This is probably largely due to the first person aspect but my main suggestion might be to get a woman to read and comment on your female characters with close attention. I don't want you to take that the wrong way, though, because i do think it's very good as it is, but it's perhaps an element that you could make even better.

Especially with the hints of future environmental plot elements as well as romance and sci-fi i think it promises to be an original and entertaining read and I'm only sorry I'm unlikely to have time to read further.

maitreyi wrote 1455 days ago

love the first chapter. improve your pitch to do justice to your writing. happy to shelve this.

xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

maitreyi wrote 1455 days ago

hello neil
pleas bear in mind when you read my comments that i am the critic from hell (very fussy) BUT i am trying to help. these things are only my opinion so do ditch everything i say if it makes no sense to you. remember your pitch is what they see first. they may look no further.

Pitch :
'But what if you had never actually met?' i am picky but you are changing from the 'you' singular in the previous sentence to the 'you' plural here without any explanation of who the other person is. it sits a little strangely with me.

'illustrious band' - cliche

in your second paragraph there are some phrases that weaken your sentences and could be erased without harm : 'a little under' two years, 'and many, the girls especially,'not least', 'into the world of'

in your third para you might begin 'We meet Rachel at twenty-two..'
there is repetition in this para which might be avoided : 'the life of', ' a life that', a life of'

the phrase 'stuns her soul' sounds odd to me. you could just remove 'soul' or use a different verb? 'a revelation the shock of which penetrates even into her soul'?

suggestion : 'Paul Lander has three connected obsessions which he offers to use to save Rachel from her (fateful?) destiny. But how does he know what the future holds for Rachel?'

OK. on to chapter one.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT


12