Book Jacket

 

rank 784
word count 124258
date submitted 23.02.2011
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Alexis: Tears of Blood

Elora Carmen Shore

Many terrors have already been faced...but Alexis will find that her heart has not yet known the deepest pain.

 

With the battle of Ethen'dor won, Alexis and Resen have found the next path that they must take. Corruption and uncertainty have claimed kingdoms to the south, and the kingdoms to the east suffer. But the enemy has something to unleash that no one would have seen, something that will strike at the heart of the cause, into the Chosen herself.
New figures will arise, new swords unsheathed, and veils will be dropped....

The Chosen is going to know the meaning of heartache and darkness, and the whole land of Aunniguld is going to be aflood with bloodshed once again.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

battles, bloodshed, darkness, death, grief, heartache, war

on 9 watchlists

29 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

8

report abuse

Chapter 7 Raena's Vengeance

  The psygon had loped swiftly and far through the labyrinth of halls, until he collapsed in an alcove of dripping rock. Raena paused briefly over his sprawled body, and searched him. He had a knife wound in his side that had torn his organs. Raena found no useful items or clues on his person, and after hiding him in the shadows of the alcove, she loped on in the direction that he had been headed. She knew that the body would likely be soon found. Psygons had the sense of smell of wolves.

 

____________________

 

  Resen crept through a natural tunnel in the caverns. It led up, like a large wormhole...or a hole for an subterranean eel. Smyrna was known for it's semi-aquatic eels. Many of them were nasty, if tampered with. Resen hoped he wasn't trespassing. He did not like those things. Still he continued to inch along.

  Soon after Resen began to hear voices. They were ill-tempered and sharp. He then came to the rough lip of the tunnel, and cautiously peered out from the shadows. Down below was a large chamber lit by dozens of torches spitting red light all around. A strange light came for a the face of the far wall, stretching up about a hundred feet. It gleamed, and then Resen realized it was of sheer, rough crystal.

  A towering psygon was quarreling fiercely with those around him. An iron band sat around his head, with a single large claw attached to the side, coming alongside his yellow eye. By his appearance and his behavior he was obviously the leader. Those around him wore traditional loin clothes, whereas he wore a cloth of saborr skin. It was likely that he had made the kill himself. Which said much about his physical strength and skill. His stature was not as large or muscular as many of the others, but a balance between strength and lean speed.

  They were still squabbling in their own tongue about something, the sound of it rough and harsh. The leader, or boeshan as the psygons referred to them, gestured impudently at his lessers as he turned and stepped up the rise in the rock formation of the ground that led to the crystal wall. Now he turned to them again, grinning with pride and insolence. His voice rose, and he tilted his head as his grin broadened. Apparently given an order as the boeshan motioned with a wave of his arm, a few of the other stepped towards a set of chain pulleys and began to work them. Resen's eyes froze over when he saw a man descend from above, dangling from his wrists. Long messy black hair lay over his down-turned face. It was King Origen.

  The boeshan arrogantly stepped down and said something to him, laughed, then punched the king's face. The sound echoed in the cavern, and the others grunted with pleasure. King Origen's eyes opened as he turned his head to return the boeshan's gaze. His eyes were both bright and deadly cold.

  Raena had been inching along in a tunnel far above and closer to the wall of beryl. She looked out to see its glimmering surface, and she watched it for a moment, entranced by its sheer size. Then a ripple of moonlight rays swept through the water behind it, and it was briefly illumined. Raena held back a gasp as the gigantic form glided back and forth on itself, twirling in a slow dance. It was an aluvon. They had captured an aluvon.

  Just then Raena looked down to see the psygons below lower a figure from a cleft in the wall, who dangled from chains. Her eyes snapped and her jaw tightened. Utmost rage filled her soul as she saw it was her father. The utter indignity of his treatment and his state of health infuriated her beyond anything could have.

  Raena leapt from her hiding place almost at the same moment as a resounding yell was cried from her left. It was Resen. He too had been in hiding, and now he leapt among them. Raena landed on her feet, and all psygons froze for a brief moment, looking from the man to the woman that had dropped from above them. Then almost instantly they jumped into action, slashing out weapons with a savage yells as they lunged to attack, yellow eyes blazing and teeth bared.

  Unsheathed with a ring, Raena's knives flew through the air and sunk into the necks of two warriors coming up from the far end. They fell face first, hands awkwardly scrabbling at their necks. Resen whipped out an arrow and sent it through a psygon who had been guarding Origen, and now was running towards him. He fell with a howl, and Resen turned to sword-work as he battled two psygons aided by the snarling boeshan. Having cut down a couple other warriors already, Raena now battled a monstrously tall warrior with ragged teeth. He fought with a large bladed mace in swift, strong swings. Raena and her long slender sword could not take the full brunt of the attacks, but she made them glance aside as she tried to force an opening. At that moment Resen was still battling the three, the boeshan throwing in attacks with lightening speed. Raena and her opponent were up upon the rock pile, coming closer to the other group. The boeshan saw this and glancing round again, savagely drove the pommel of his sword into Raena's side just after he slashed again at Resen. Raena cried out in pained rage, and risked a quick slash at him, ducking a swipe from the large psygon. The boeshand leapt away out of reach, and cut down onto Resen as he just batted aside both of the other psygon warrior's axes. Resen glimpsed the attack and tried to dodge aside, but the blade cut into his shoulder. Raena was gripped by her opponent's enormous grasp on the arm, and he flung her away. With a hard, pained grunt Raena landed, and the shock of the fall made her lose her grasp on her sword. She felt something sharp beneath her, and her fingers closed over a shaft. The warrior plowed towards her with a bellow, and with a cry Raena lunged forward on her knees, bringing up a pysgon spear and jabbing it into his stomach as he came upon her, and upwards to his heart as he toppled forward. Raena instantly spun out of the way, releasing the spear as the psygon fell upon it.

  Resen swept upwards with his knife, parring a blow from the boeshan who still was dealing in attacks behind his soldiers. Resen's anger was at fever pitch. Not only was the boeshan heartless, he a coward as well. With a sudden cross slash Resen cut down one of his attackers, and caught his axe as it fell from his grasp. With a savage whirl and swing his sword and axe ripped the other psygon down with a howl. The boeshan's eyes glazed over with shock and anger, as he saw his last warrior fall, and he turned to Resen with his lips curling in a snarl, but Resen was already upon him, attacking without mercy. With an endless round of battering Resen pushed him back, up onto the rock pile, and just at that moment Raena leapt from her kill, sword in hand. Just as Resen forced him back with his furious blows Raena rose and her blade flashed forward, sprouting from him neck, and Resen slashed, cutting him across the neck. The boeshan escaping breath came with a gasp as he fell over and his sword clanged to the ground. Resen and Raena briefly glanced at each other, then rushed over to the king.

  They quickly undid the chains that bound him. “Milord,” Resen said softly as they eased him down.

  “Father?” Raena asked in concern. Her heart was leaping with joy at having found him alive, along with being terribly pained at seeing him suffering from such indignity and ill health. The psygons themselves had paid with their lives.

  “I am so relieved to see you both. My prayers have been heard,” the king said with a cough. “But they will be of little use if we do not move swiftly. We must get to the queen...my wife...as soon as possible.”

  “Yes Father. We are doing what we can to unveil Slorda's treason. Alexis is tracking her servants as we speak,” Raena reassured, putting his arm around her neck.

  “Alexis?”

  “The Athondul, Abban,” Raena said with a  soft smile.

  King Origen paused and looked at her, utmost disbelief and hope in his eyes. Promises long waited for were truly kept until the time they were need most.

  “Let us get back now,” Resen said.

  Raena looked back to the beryl wall. “I have something to tend to Abban,” she told them seriously. Her eyes met her father's, and he nodded with firm understanding. “Do what you must,” he said.

  Resen looked at her and nodded, reassuring her he'd take care of the king. Raena then turned to the wall of crystal and quickly surveyed it. She espied a tunnel that went up from the top of the wall. Hastily she mounted it, and disappeared within. Her hands gripped the rock surface firmly as it was wet and treacherous. The tunnel led up, and finally opened into a moonstone shaft. It was then that Raena realized she had found the old crystal egg-shaped cell holds for the grettildein beasts of burden that the first generations of the Smyrnan royals used. They had long ago been released back into the wild, as they had not happily or easily adapted to life with humans. And they had disappeared from the wild after that; whether they were extinct or had simply chosen new grounds was a mystery.

  The moonstone shafts opened into the heights of Aysel, where the moon let in light, and the moonstone reflected it down the shaft into the cell, where the crystal further caught the light. And there, calmly, gracefully dancing in the water, was the aluvon. Now knowing the situation, Raena quickly looked for where the doors and operating levers might be. The old paths and roads of the forsaken caverns were diverse and had been scarcely traversed in the old times, only in the care and use of the old mounts. The gate would open into the caverns, but Raena had no idea of how to find her way to the other side.

  Then, with a shimmer of moonlight brightly lighting the cell for a moment, Raena caught sight of the grill gate, near the bottom of the cell. No doubt the controls were on the other side.

  Raena now stood contemplating. She knew what she was thinking was dangerous. Raena straightened her posture, then with a strong leap dove into the water. For the briefest moment Raena was looking straight into the aluvon's brilliant flashing eye, before her propulsion carried her past. The graceful curves of the the aluvon's body continued to swirl and dance as Raena forcefully swam down, doing her best to avoid the curls of its body. It was like being inside a colossal dancing ribbon of flesh and lethal power.

  Dodging a lifting curve and it's trailing fin, Raena made for the bars of the gate. With little trouble she pushed herself through, and quickly scanned the outer wall. Just as she caught sight of the operating levers she grabbed one and pulled down with all her might. It was rusted and crusty from mineral growth, but the sudden force applied to it jarred its mechanisms. With a screeching rumble the blue bars of the lower and top ends of the gateway began to retreat into the wall, then jarred to a stop.

  For the briefest second Raena was going to panic, but just then the aluvon burst through, shattering the remains of the gate. The gigantic creature powered through the cavern, heading towards a light at the far end.

  From a far vantage point in the open sea, the aluvon suddenly burst from the concealment of the oldest foundations of the Emerald Mountian. With a  strange song the aluvon swept into open water.

  Raena saw the aluvon making towards the light at the end, then she immediately turned back and made for the top of the cell. With a great shuddering gasp she broke from the surface.

  

Chapters

8

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Bug289 wrote 379 days ago

Elora,

Justa quick stop in to check out book 2. From my initial read of the prologue one thing jumped out at me that might or might not be useful.
You paint a very clear picture of the scene, I was drawn into the bleakness of the place but what I found myself asking was why?

Why is this place filthy, why is it bleak, has it always been like that? Was it once a beautiful city, destroyed in a war or have they always been a slovenly people?

Perhaps you cover it through the previous book (which I did not get back to) but, if you do it might be worth a quick summary here to recap for the reader or for those crazies that start in the middle of a series. :)

Just a thought that occurred.

Very good description though (apart from the repeats others have mentioned) and good suspense. I will try to get to more of it this time :)

Danielle

Shelby Z. wrote 402 days ago

Exciting isn't a strong enough word for this book.
It moves to amazing heights of creativity.
I wish I had it in my hands to savor over and keep on a bookshelf in my bedroom.
Fantastic read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

;D

fayha wrote 408 days ago

A very intersting read I love the way your writing flows and the names and places are very imaginative.
"maggots encased in amorphous jells." Wonderful stuff. I have read 2 chapters so far. On my watchlist.

Geddy25 wrote 409 days ago

I just read the first few chapters and love some of the language you have used in your descriptions. "Autumn had cast it's spell....." was one of my favourite sentences.
You have created a wonderful world in your writing full of adventure and imagination and this is the kind of story I like to read.
I loved some of the names of places and characters and some of them even made me think they were familiar. I did however struggle at times to keep up with all of the names. I'm a bit thick and I found trying to remember what was what a bit difficult at times.
However, a great start to a book! High stars, well done!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

tojo wrote 442 days ago

I read up to chapter 12 then time pulled me away, a very good fantasy read, plenty of action and weird animals, lots of imagination and good story line, my sort of book, I like it. 5*****

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

jlbwye wrote 442 days ago

Alexis - Tears of Blood. I find your pitches a bit vague. What sort of terrors, and who are the Chosen? Perhaps a bit of back-story here would not go amiss?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prologue. Atmospheric words, and great choice of names, which run around the tongue. Is it something akin to a beehive that we're seeing, I wonder?
You have two 'metallic's inclose proximity.

Auth.2. I think you mean 'before they gobble it all - '
There are some superfluous words which are best avoided: began to, still.
Who or what is Alexis, I wonder?

Auth.3. Where are we now? I am a bit bewildered by those sudden switches.
Perhaps it's because I havent read the first book, that I feel this way.

But your prose is rich, and the dialogue natural.
The short chapters, too, are good for readers on this site.

The best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

femmefranglaise wrote 444 days ago

Hi Elora, sorry it has taken me so long to return your read. Firstly, I'm in awe of anyone who has managed to write 55 chapters! SciFi/Fantasy is not something I've read much of for a long time so it was refreshing to find such a well thought out and well written MS. You have a fantastic imagination and really good powers of description. The world of the Urgogs was gruesomely wonderful. I loved the juxtaposition between the first and second chapters with their totally different styles of writing and it shows your ability as a writer that you can swap so easily between the two. I'm really very impressed with this Elora. Highly starred and will be shelved very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Andrew Hughes wrote 445 days ago

Hi Elora,

I read the prologue and first two chapters.

You have an excellent visual style of writing, rendering scenes and characters with great details. The gruesome goings on in Ordonnath are described with relish. Details like the urgogs tearing out of their cells, or the way you describe the overseer’s eyes bring the reader right into the story.

A small thing, I noticed you sometimes repeat words close together, like ‘far’ in the second line, ‘mud and slime’ in the middle paragraphs and ‘voice’ when we meet Graebinn. They just chimed a bit.

Alexis’s dream in Ch 1 has a lovely cosy feeling of home. I’m not sure you have to tip the reader off that it’s not real. Then the last paragraph, which is very well written, would be a surprise, and pack more punch.

It was very interesting to see Alexis and Raena discuss the natures of their own worlds, and form a closer bond. It’s a bit of a personal taste of mine but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile through conversations – that probably says more about me!

I love reading a fantasy that has a fully realised world, and you hint at that by describing the constellations. I think you could describe Eitan’s size more as he’s swooping in, it was a surprise that Alexis could only hug his leg (though I suppose readers of the first book will know about him already).

I hope to read more soon. It strikes me that there could be a few moments of peril early on – small scale stuff, being attacked by a wild animal perhaps – just to see Raena, Alexis and Resen have to work together. It would give us an idea of their various skill-sets.

It’s a very good beginning. Highly starred.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Davidmauriceware wrote 453 days ago

Iv'e never been into stories where a person makes up fictional places and creatures, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Your story is well written and your imagination is a unique one. It is actually an enjoyable read. I'm sure many people will enjoy this one here.

Adeel wrote 456 days ago

A more promising book on my favourite topic. A great work more focused and blended with clarity of expression and thoughts. 6 stars with on my watch list and on my book shelf as well.

Shelby Z. wrote 463 days ago

This is a MUST READ BOOK, EVERYONE!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

D. S. Hale wrote 477 days ago

I like the name "urgog" and what fate awaited them at birth! Kinda like the honey bee. I'd almost like to follow the story of an urgog, you piqued my curiousity of them already!

You write well and describe the scenes so that I can imagine them in my head. It's a great story with a very good beginning. I didn't see anything that needed changing, or any errors.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A G Chaudhuri wrote 489 days ago


HAUNTINGLY DESCRIPTIVE PROSE.
YOU PAINT PICTURES WITH YOUR WORDS.

Dear Elora,

You passion for the genre is quite evident from the opening chapter that promises to deliver a masterfully crafted tribute to classic high fantasy.

And then, the next chapters tell a different story ! :-O

Wherever you’re heading with this, it’s not very difficult to imagine a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My ratings: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Although, I’ve never read this particular genre, I have seen a few films. Please allow me to share a few suggestions / observations.
But remember, they should be taken on board only if they’re relevant. :-)

Here are a few points that stood out.

Ch 1

‘… and the architecture matched the mood’ – you may try removing this phrase as it sounds a bit casual and detracts from the overall brooding description.

‘… descending into the depths of Zlothrael’ – I think this should be Ordonnath, as that’s the name of the castle, while Zlothrael is what they call the land.

‘fitting rooms’ – not good, ‘evaluation chambers’ maybe?

Ch 2

This one had me confused.
There was a stark departure from the feel of the preceding chapter. In spite of being told that this wasn’t real, I found it rather difficult to accept the two radically different settings. But I moved on because I had to find out where this was headed.

Ch 3

‘Raena’ spelled differently in the chapter title.

Okay, so now, we’re back to where we started.
But what really happened in Ch 2?

The writing leaves little to be desired as you’ve skilfully developed plot and created a whole new mythology.
The end of the chapter answers my nagging question.
And that brings me to,

The pitch.

This needs a revision. Big time.
It’s not very clear and does very little justice to the real charm of the story.
But, you already know what I mean, don’t you ? ;-)

You’ve got something fantastic going on here.
Best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC


RSLF wrote 490 days ago

Hello! Comments for prologue:

Its cloak stretched miles far west (this phrasing seems a bit awkward to me, and you use the word "far" again in the second half of this sentence. Maybe delete the first one?)

The mud carting urgogs joined the endless procession of (missing word here?) as they took their loads to their hives.

Anyway, on to my general opinions. I really loved the descriptions of the hives. BUT it did give me a bit of a sense of deja vu, reminding me of the scene in the 2nd LotR movie where we see an Uruk Hai being "born".

Chapter 1, pretty much perfect as it is. Very poignant.

Chapter 2:

she was a good tracker and swordsman (you could use "swordswoman"? Sorry, I just always find it weird see a woman referred to a swordsMAN lol)

Briefly she had even wondered if she was Arlwenar (an explanation here would be nice.)

I understand that that bow has seen you through many dangers (overusing the word "that" is something I'm guilty of, and I think this might be a case where you can get rid of one).

an old advisor was before less favoured than others (erm I find this really confusing. But then that might just be me. You know how daft I can be sometimes...)

I'm going to have to leave it there for now. But enjoying it so far.

Mystery Reader wrote 491 days ago

Bravo!
What a wonderfully designed story that you have here. I like the way you move into your story with ease but a pace that keeps your readers interested.
Everything is quite well done.
It has a special flare to the plot and characters.
I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, but not many.
I do enjoy your underwater city!!! A lot of scope to create right there.

*Reader*

Bria Heart wrote 497 days ago

This is an excellent work of art that you have here.
It is all so special to read and visualize.
The title is drawing in itself.
The pitch pulls you to read the book.
Part of it Reminds me of Gilbert Morris' books the Seven Sleepers. (The second book.)
You use just the right words to paint your word painting in the reader's mind.
I have only read half, but it is wonderfully drawn out.
Super Job.

Bria Heart <3

Shelby Z. wrote 503 days ago

Your book is as perfect as ever.
YOU do a great job writing your stories!!! Everything is so unique, creative, and detailed to a tee!
The characters unfold to great heights that people get more involved in them. They make you be them!
The places you can picture being there yourself.
The pain forces you to be a part of it and feel it.
Basically the reader gets completely involved with the book!
Great job as always!
I love your stories a lot.
Keep up the amazing work.

Shelby Z. /Driving Winds

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 505 days ago

~Alexis: Tears of Blood~

An enjoyable read, perefect for the YA market. It reminds me of a cross between Lord of the Rings and Monkey Island (the bird skull helm reminds me of Murray).

Great descriptions, i.e. 'The gate was a yawning mouth' and 'Cloudy membranes the colour of maggot flesh.'

Highy-rated! Well done!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Dianna Lanser wrote 524 days ago

Elora,

Yes, Revelation and Revolution all came back to me as I started reading Tears of Blood. The opening of Book two sets the beat for what the reader can expect in terms of literary excellence, as well as adventure. An ominous foreboding leads into a too good to be true dream for Alexis. Then as the reader becomes a participant of a long and mysterious voyage, the cadence of the story is strangely comforting and smooth. And if the reader is not impressed with that, they will be impressed with the how the surrounding landscape and the good Lady of Armanthea are so poetically describe. A literary treat - really. I had to stop reading just as the group was about to descend below the surface of the deep… This was a great cliff-hanger to make me come back and read more! Highly starred, Elora. I am so impressed with your writing. It is beautiful.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Shelby Z. wrote 524 days ago

I read just a little more and it keeps getting better.
There were a few misspelled words otherwise so good!
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 531 days ago

Read three more chapters ( I am at chapter 8 now.)
Things are getting more and more thrilling.
I so enjoy the way you get into your writing so much so that the reader is drawn into everything you write.
I hope to read more soon.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 539 days ago

I read up to chapter 5 and I am so enjoying your new idea for your series.
I love the underwater city and your new character Raina.
I can see that this will be a very exciting book again.
Can't wait to read on.
Well done so far.
God bless.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan Maki wrote 600 days ago

Chapter 2

I found it strange that when Alexis mentions a DVD player and a TV that Raina just takes it in stride as if it's the most natural thing in the world, when I would think she'd be a stranger to technology like this.

I was also wondering what Eitan was. Raina apparently hasn't met him,and Alexis doesn't say what he is. A dragon perhaps?

Some things need more clarification like "We'll take the Ruelan." But then you don't tell us what that is.

We now find out that Eitan is a karaki, and his kind were once called Accursed, but what is a karaki? Probably you're assuming that people will have read the first book and know this from that novel, but that isn't always the case, so some description is needed here.

Final thoughts. I was a bit unclear about what exactly Alexis and Resen are going with Raina to accomplish. I assume whatever they're journeying southeast for is the thrust of the book, or part of it, so it needs to be clearer what the peril is, what the problem is, and how and why they intend to help. So far I've found the book just a bit slow-moving. Prologue sets up some peril, dark forces are gathering, but for what? By the end of chapter 2 we still don't know what the danger is or what our heroine is going to do about it. Chapter 1 is a dream sequence with no real action to it. Chapter 2 is a walk in the woods talking. So essentially three chapters in and there hasn't been any dramatic moments of action, clash of dialogue, threat or peril...any of the things that will really suck the reader into the fantasy world you've created. People today, especially kids, are very immediate. They want something gripping, pulse-pounding, entertaining, right from the get-go or they're going to move on. I'm not saying this to be overly critical, I think you've created an interesting world and compelling characters and a rich history and background. I just think you need something more in these early chapters to really hook the reader in.

Still, I've enjoyed what I've read, and will give it high stars and backing asap. :)

All the best,

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Nathan Maki wrote 601 days ago

I just realized that chapter 1 was a prologue, so this comment is for Chapter 1, but number 2 on the site.

I thought the prolonged dream sequence that makes up Chapter 1 was good as a way of showing Alexis' happy background, but as a first chapter I wasn't sure if that's really enough to accomplish. I think it has a place, but perhaps not so early on? That's just my thought. I'm still interested though, so I'll read on to chapter 2.

Nathan Maki wrote 601 days ago

Hi Elora,

Here I am to read some of your book as promised. I like to write down comments as I come to them, and try to be constructive in any critiques. Keep in mind I'm only one reader, and my input isn't infallible. :) I've found that as authors we often miss stuff in our own work that others can pull out. That makes us all better writers in the end. So here I go, diving in reading. :)

Ramps doubled back "eratically" not erotically.

"herded into a drawn cart like cattle and (pulled) away"? "towed" away. Led away makes it sound like they're walking, being led.

"was all (too) recognizable"

Somehow the words "How is it going" seem too casual to be spoken by a dark lord, especially his first words. I'd expect something that could be said with a bit more menace.

The sentence "But age was of no concern when the thought..." doesn't read right.

I found the last sentence problematic as well. "From within" makes it sound like the overseer could see Lord Graebinn. You could just says "Within his mask" or "Behind his mask". I also thought that "grinned" makes him sound too friendly. I'd expect smiled wolfishly or something of the sort for someone who's supposed to be evil. And how does he say "Excellent"? Menacingly? Expectantly?

I thought the reference to the weak being eaten was suitably chilling, and you definitely give the reader the impression that something foul is afoot. You've created an excellent word picture of the evil fortress.

One thing I think would make the first chapter better would be if you could insert a bit more of a hook for the reader. He's raising an army but maybe give us a hint of what for? Also, is there a way to develop Lord Graebinn's character a bit more from the beginning here? He's obviously going to be a main character, so show us a bit more of his character and motivation in his interaction with the overseer and other creatures.

Overall I like your writing style and this reminds me, in a good way, of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I'm interested and reading on. I'll comment more on chapter 2.

Nathan

Cariad wrote 607 days ago

Hi. Came across your book by chance and have some comments you can take or leave, I offer them only as one reader. I liked the story and the feel of it - menacing, and a well constructed world. I did pick up some things that stopped me in my read, that you can ignore if you wish of course -

repetition of black at the start, close together - 'black, sharp, with a black sheen.......' (a dark sheen or something instead? as you also hae another dark shortly after with 'black eyes.'

a 'solution' (what of?) mixed with the blood of victims - of what? war? or sacrifice?

I didn't get that muddy, slimy ramps could be 'erotic' in any way.

You have two carts close together - 'carts of mud were carted...' heaved? dragged? hauled? instead?

You then bring on this wonderful, dark, menacing character in a bird skull helm - obviously respected and feared by all who see him - and he says 'how's it going?' - this sounds quite chummy and modern - bit like someone's dad - I thought you could maybe have made him seem a little less cosy?

I hope you don't think I'm being critical - I am enjoying the story and the unusual set up and world you have created - they are just suggestions of things that stopped my read a little. I shall be reading on though - it's got some great qualities and a good hook. Good ending to chapter one, too.
Cariad.

AdamMosely77 wrote 610 days ago

Awesome! Your good.

Nigel Fields wrote 729 days ago

Alexis: Tears of Blood flows along well. Nice description throughout the four chapters that I've read so far. I liked in the opening: The windows were like empty black eyes . . . the gate, a yawning mouth. Very appropriate, creating the atmosphere I believe you intend. I got momentarily stuck on the overseer's reply, "Well, my Lord Graebim." Only because my 'ear' first thought it was meant as the word-whisker "Well" as opposed to the answer "Well." I tend to be retentive, and thus, for me (I'm sure I'm in the minority), "Very well, my Lord Graebim." works smoother, no abiguity. Chapter two worked for clarification. Great MC. Other characters are well drawn. Good conflict, giving this momentum. Five stars for now.
Best,
John B Campbell

Su Dan wrote 818 days ago

very little wrong with; if anything. you have a great fluid style that moves the story along, and in great style...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

1