Book Jacket

 

rank 787
word count 124258
date submitted 23.02.2011
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Alexis: Tears of Blood

Elora Carmen Shore

Many terrors have already been faced...but Alexis will find that her heart has not yet known the deepest pain.

 

With the battle of Ethen'dor won, Alexis and Resen have found the next path that they must take. Corruption and uncertainty have claimed kingdoms to the south, and the kingdoms to the east suffer. But the enemy has something to unleash that no one would have seen, something that will strike at the heart of the cause, into the Chosen herself.
New figures will arise, new swords unsheathed, and veils will be dropped....

The Chosen is going to know the meaning of heartache and darkness, and the whole land of Aunniguld is going to be aflood with bloodshed once again.

 
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tags

battles, bloodshed, darkness, death, grief, heartache, war

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Chapters

23

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Chapter 22 Glimpse of Glalthen

Awhile later deeper into the forest, as they were quickly making their way down a steep where there were fewer trees, there was a growl and a sound of laboring wings. Alexis looked up, and handed Oren to Rylan, who held him securely.

Eitan landed awkwardly in a space in the trees that was just barely big enough for him. A big branch snapped off one as he tried to moved his wings back. Alexis skidded the rest of the way down the slope to him and put her hand on his snout.

Good to have you back, boy,” she said, giving him a peck of a kiss and patting him. She scratched his chin, one of his favorite spots.

She then directed him beside a stream a short distance below them, down the slopes, and there cleansed and disinfected his wounds. The others stood a ways off, Resen diligently watching the landscape on a knoll while the others watched a little closer to them.

Eitan lay quietly while Alexis was ministering to him. Once Alexis was done she rose, and he got sorely to his feet.

Rylan, please come here,” Alexis called.

I don't think I will. I like the distance where I'm at very well.”

“Don't be a wuss, and please bring Oren. I wouldn't want Eitan to think he can eat him.” She patted Eitan again then looked back at Rylan.

Might want to do as she says. The better off you are with him, the easier it'll be for you,” Resen reasoned, still keeping his eyes open.

Rylan looked from Resen to Eitan again, then almost temperamentally got off his horse, and cautiously approached.

Can you hand me Oren?” Alexis asked. He handed him over. Oren squawked and flapped his wings in protest. Alexis soothed him.

Eitan looked at Oren with interest. He bent low and sniffed him. His nostrils quivered. Oren croaked loudly and struggled a bit. Eitan tried to sniff closer, but Alexis carefully kept her hand at a decent distance.

Hold out your hand,” Alexis told Rylan, who was standing off. Almost looked like he had been looking for a chance to bolt.

Rylan held out his hand, slowly and cautiously. Eitan sniffed him, growled loudly for a moment, and drew back, glaring at Rylan.

I don't think this is a good start,” Rylan mumbled.

Well he's not trying to eat you,” Alexis retorted. “Here,” she said, handing him back Oren. “Just be polite. He'll not harm you if you're my friend.” She then left them together, secretly relishing the look on Rylan's face. It had been one thing for him to sneak up on him while sedated—another to be standing in front of his gleaming teeth. But she had to give it to him—he was making a truly valiant effort. At least from a few feet away.

They mounted again.

Later on while on the trail, Rylan began the conversation.

We may not have a very easy time convincing the Delfians and Norandin tribe to take up arms and defend the Ranges, what with there being strife between them again. They're fighting over land, as always. But perhaps with your presence, they might be able to settle things. You seem to have an effect on people”

“That's nice, but I really wish people could settle things themselves. Especially after so long a time, for goodness sake,” Alexis replied, a little irritably.

Their agreements never last long. They have both have had land taken from them, and they both want what they feel is theirs. You might, at least, bring peace between them. They are two different types of people, but they've managed to exist as uneasy neighbors so far. Neither of them want bloodshed from each other, but some has been shed in the past. And their relations are steadily wearing down.”

After all you did accept the request to go,” Raena said.

They all looked at her.

What are you lookin' at me, for? What did you think I'd say? No? Of course not. And I meant what I said.”

Resen grinned.

I have friendly relations there,” Rylan said. “I was once in the area and I warned them of an ambush by wandering Raven bands being set for their area, and that knowledge saved many. I've gained their trust, so it will be that much easier for us. At least you can be grateful for that.” Rylan smiled at her.

Alexis rolled her eyes, trying to suppress a smile.

Later Alexis got up on Eitan and he continued to follow the rest of them, and wondered what she was in for now. She seemed to be taking things headfirst and without qualm more and more. Her road seemed to rush along without pause, and she now just flew on full force, wherever the mysterious current that drove her went. Before she really thought of where a new direction her life was going, she was in the middle of it. Compared to now her and Resen's trek through western Aunninguld had been almost peaceful and quiet. Since Ethen'dor she had covered so many miles, seen so many things...things that would not fade with time.

They weaved through the forest in a northerly direction for awhile, until they came upon a thick, rocky region where they turned northwest until the going got easier. For the next two days it was the same.

That evening they sat around the campfire with little bits of stew in their hands. Ashling began to tell them about his family history, and those concerned, especially the Sepharad.

My great-great grandparents grew up in the western region of Hausk, in Glalthen. Raven life is very nasty. They were bow makers, and they handed down the trade. All of the people get sent to the camps at a young age, and would come back steeped with that even harsher enviroment. The eyes of some even seem blacker. The most enthusiastic, which are many, sew feathers into their skin and file their teeth to points like an animal. The Raven race continues to follow Belamoth because Bela is the incarnation of everything they love: violence and blood-lust, the ravenous craving for slaughter and ruin. They believe that with Bela becoming the ruler of the world, they will have all the world to satisfy their lust.

Some believe that Belamoth is the unmistakable, rightful ruler of the world, who will choose to overcome those that have always stood in defiance when the time is right. That it could be at any moment, only Belamoth has purposes that must be achieved before then. They do not question. They do not think of the possibility of something at hand. Except for a few. Some have asked the fatal question of why or what for...and died for it. They were killed by their own flesh and blood. Some escaped...for them I am happy.

The parents of my great-great grandfather were in the middle. They wanted to ask, but they also wanted to stay loyal to the all powerful Belamoth that had lived for so long and defied all challenge. So...they did nothing. But sometimes a thing can be seen without it being said. They felt the glances from their fellows when they turned their backs, and knew that something was coming. So they told my great-great grandfather to go into the woods for tribe hunting, pretend that it was a regular day, where others escaping would be waiting. He did. He was six years old. At night after the group had escaped, he came back to see his parents' bodies strung up on a lancing pole, where tormentors cut off their flesh, impaled them, and left them for the ravens and crows. The Ravens called them traitors as they did their bloody work on their already dead bodies. He returned to the escapees, before he was missed. He was a very clever boy...even the soldiers were astounded by his stealth and swiftness. It was just in him. He never went back. What he saw changed him. I became a warrior among the forming Sepharad, and was very valiant in battle. His sole purpose was to stop the Ravens, and once he met my great-great grandmother, to have a good family to help carry on the Sepharad.”

What made his parents question Belamoth?” Alexis asked intently, still holding her bowl though it had long been empty.

I don't know...what makes anyone start questioning the culture they have known and supported? I know they saw others disappearing. People they knew and trusted, to a degree at least. I guess they were among the few that had a tiny seedling of humanity in them. They snuck around places where most were forbidden. They learned what happened to some of them. It...it was awful. Those that were not killed were either imprisoned until they died, or worse. Turned into something totally inhuman. Like some kind of sick experiment. But their instinct told them to bide their time until the moment was right.”

Are there any other bands?” Resen asked.

There is one other that I know of, but they are a troubled tribe. They lack good organization and direction. They are the ones constantly fighting for land within Delfian, to the north. They haven't put themselves against any endeavors of Belamoth, but I can understand. One cannot fight when they themselves are not founded. But perhaps they will do their part in the revolution.”

I didn't realize their origin,” Raena said in surprise. “I can't say that I've ever heard of it. But perhaps I just never asked the right questions.”

No everyone knows it,” Ash went on. “There are lot of things that the whole world does not know, when it is obvious to others. Sometimes the circle of life just moves that way.”

Do you know the whereabouts of Crow and whatever army he has left?” Resen asked seriously, changing the subject.

He still keeps to his fortress in Urul'una, licking his wounds. We heard from spies a few stragglers of his new army passed on word to a higher lord of his defeat, but much of his own original army still resides in the Fogged Woods. Everyone now knows it was the Athondul that had thwarted Lord Shalgotha.”

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?” Raena asked. “How long have you been a leader among the Sepharad?”

I'm twenty and one, and I've served for...six years now.”

Really?” Alexis said in surprise. “I expected you to be older.”

Especially considering your rank,” Resen commented, before he took a bite of stew. “What are your skills?” he asked after he was done chewing.

I'm an archer, primarily, but I'm deft at quick swordplay and I am a sharp hunter. They are traits that helped land me in such a position. I have a way at gaining people's trust, and Lord Othorn, the head man before Lord Daoro, found that a critical trait in a leader, so I quickly moved up through the ranks. I've been in our army since I was really young. I always felt the pull of fighting for what I believed in.”

They all grew silent and finished their stew. Alexis quickly ate in silence, thinking about their situation and what she felt herself.

Shortly after they all decided to go to sleep, and settled close to the fire's warmth. Eitan snorted in the brush behind Alexis, stirring in his dreams. Oren had settled comfortably in a patch of lichen on a pile of boulders, and was peacefully sleeping. Before closing her eyes, Alexis looked at them all, realizing what a circle they made.

The next morning they got up before the crack of dawn and made a quick breakfast of what meat they had, and some roots that Rylan had found.

Thanks,” Alexis said, when she saw the roots.

No problem.” He began shaving them into the pan with his knife. “Got to do my part.”

Alexis sat beside him as she tended the cooking meat. He gave her a small smile which she returned, and she watched him prepare the roots. She looked at his hair. It was pulled back by the scarf, but she noticed a short stubby ponytail at the base of his neck, where his dark hair curved down.

You like my hair-do?” Rylan asked with a sly smile.

Yeah, it's stylish. Is it a Raven style?” Alexis teased.

Oh good heavens no. Don't insult me with lack of taste! Though pretty much the only Ravens that do their hair are the females—if they have any. And even then it's a mess.”

What were the women like?”

Same as men. Bloodthirsty wretches. Similar to the Rashid that were saw in Thysatira. They go into Belamoth's service, although most were held for...reproduction of soldiers. I've never asked that far...I didn't want to know. What I do is enough...the whole Raven race lives like animals. They're a bloody race, where relation means nothing whatsoever.”

It's a wonder they haven't all killed each other off.”

People are like that. They still require stability of a sort, a structure of life. Killing everyone off wouldn't make sense. Their life as they like it would be changed. They're selfish and cruel beyond imagining, but they want their way of life to stay as it is.”

I'm glad my world isn't like that,” Alexis said, hugging her knees.

Is it not?” Rylan asked, giving her a serious look.

Alexis suddenly paused, unsure what to say. Was her world essentially different? And what did she know of how life went on beyond her little hometown, with its own problems?

Alexis thought on those things as she sat there, with Oren on her shoulder as Rylan went on with the meal.

Shortly they ate, and while they quickly put the last of it into their mouths Alexis noticed at Ash's hip was a scimitar in a beautifully detailed ivory scabbard, along with a queer looking knife. It had a short handle, and the blade went up to a point but had thick, curving claws at the base and tip, with a spike in the middle of the blade. A curving spike was at the tip, curving in the opposite direction. It looked extremely painful.

Later on at midday when they paused briefly to refill at the Shynie River Rylan called Alexis over. Eitan growled jealously as she left off scratching him. Rylan sat on a rock and unsheathed his scimitar.

I saw you looking at it while we were walking. Would you like to hold it?” he asked. He held it in his hands as he held it out to her.

Yes, thank you,” Alexis answered, stepping forward and taking it. The handle was of a light golden color, the hilt melded into two angled wings for the pommel. The guard and base was of a curved triangle of green, gold, and red mosaic. The blade was curved with the appearance of rippling water.

It's a watered blade,” Rylan explained. “My grandfather made it. He was a master wielder, besides a great warrior.”

It's a beautiful sword,” Alexis admired, swinging it gently. She gave it back. Rylan sheathed it then took out his bow. “My father made this. It's the best bow I've ever seen made by our kind. I never use any other.”

Alexis took it and tested the string. The bow's design was carved in the subtle likeness of wind gusts, with feathers almost discreetly placed here and there. “It's very nice. As good as mine.”

Oh?”

Sure. Mine was made by Durke of Langor.”

Hmm. A gift, I suppose?”

Yes. They gave it to me after I accepted the challenge to go and look for the Langor Stone.” She handed him back the bow.

Rylan whistled. “Well, I didn't hear that one. Did you find it?”

Yes—and that's where I found my Eitan. He was just hatched.”

Lucky for him.”

“Lucky for me. I couldn't have come through certain things without him. When I found the Stone, in return King Flinir gave me Tryconda,” she added, showing him the ring.

Rylan leaned forward with interest and whistled softly. “Well, I didn't expect that either. So you were actually able to pry it off his finger, eh? Well good for you.”

It was a part of the deal.”

Yes, of course.” Rylan smiled teasingly.

Alexis pointed to his knife. “Where did you get that?” she asked.

It's a special knife we Sepharad make. It's a throwing knife.” He took it out and demonstrated by flinging it at a tree. It flashed through the air and struck the tree with a sickening thud.

That would really hurt,” Alexis said, staring at it.

It's made so that wherever it strikes, always the target will be met with a blade,” Rylan said emphatically.

It's time to get going,” Resen said, getting up a few yards away. He waited for them for a moment, then went on. He seemed increasingly quiet as the days went by, Alexis thought.

Quietly, they continued on their swift journey toward Delfian's plains.

Chapters

23

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Bug289 wrote 376 days ago

Elora,

Justa quick stop in to check out book 2. From my initial read of the prologue one thing jumped out at me that might or might not be useful.
You paint a very clear picture of the scene, I was drawn into the bleakness of the place but what I found myself asking was why?

Why is this place filthy, why is it bleak, has it always been like that? Was it once a beautiful city, destroyed in a war or have they always been a slovenly people?

Perhaps you cover it through the previous book (which I did not get back to) but, if you do it might be worth a quick summary here to recap for the reader or for those crazies that start in the middle of a series. :)

Just a thought that occurred.

Very good description though (apart from the repeats others have mentioned) and good suspense. I will try to get to more of it this time :)

Danielle

Shelby Z. wrote 399 days ago

Exciting isn't a strong enough word for this book.
It moves to amazing heights of creativity.
I wish I had it in my hands to savor over and keep on a bookshelf in my bedroom.
Fantastic read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

;D

fayha wrote 405 days ago

A very intersting read I love the way your writing flows and the names and places are very imaginative.
"maggots encased in amorphous jells." Wonderful stuff. I have read 2 chapters so far. On my watchlist.

Geddy25 wrote 406 days ago

I just read the first few chapters and love some of the language you have used in your descriptions. "Autumn had cast it's spell....." was one of my favourite sentences.
You have created a wonderful world in your writing full of adventure and imagination and this is the kind of story I like to read.
I loved some of the names of places and characters and some of them even made me think they were familiar. I did however struggle at times to keep up with all of the names. I'm a bit thick and I found trying to remember what was what a bit difficult at times.
However, a great start to a book! High stars, well done!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

tojo wrote 439 days ago

I read up to chapter 12 then time pulled me away, a very good fantasy read, plenty of action and weird animals, lots of imagination and good story line, my sort of book, I like it. 5*****

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

jlbwye wrote 439 days ago

Alexis - Tears of Blood. I find your pitches a bit vague. What sort of terrors, and who are the Chosen? Perhaps a bit of back-story here would not go amiss?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prologue. Atmospheric words, and great choice of names, which run around the tongue. Is it something akin to a beehive that we're seeing, I wonder?
You have two 'metallic's inclose proximity.

Auth.2. I think you mean 'before they gobble it all - '
There are some superfluous words which are best avoided: began to, still.
Who or what is Alexis, I wonder?

Auth.3. Where are we now? I am a bit bewildered by those sudden switches.
Perhaps it's because I havent read the first book, that I feel this way.

But your prose is rich, and the dialogue natural.
The short chapters, too, are good for readers on this site.

The best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

femmefranglaise wrote 441 days ago

Hi Elora, sorry it has taken me so long to return your read. Firstly, I'm in awe of anyone who has managed to write 55 chapters! SciFi/Fantasy is not something I've read much of for a long time so it was refreshing to find such a well thought out and well written MS. You have a fantastic imagination and really good powers of description. The world of the Urgogs was gruesomely wonderful. I loved the juxtaposition between the first and second chapters with their totally different styles of writing and it shows your ability as a writer that you can swap so easily between the two. I'm really very impressed with this Elora. Highly starred and will be shelved very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Andrew Hughes wrote 442 days ago

Hi Elora,

I read the prologue and first two chapters.

You have an excellent visual style of writing, rendering scenes and characters with great details. The gruesome goings on in Ordonnath are described with relish. Details like the urgogs tearing out of their cells, or the way you describe the overseer’s eyes bring the reader right into the story.

A small thing, I noticed you sometimes repeat words close together, like ‘far’ in the second line, ‘mud and slime’ in the middle paragraphs and ‘voice’ when we meet Graebinn. They just chimed a bit.

Alexis’s dream in Ch 1 has a lovely cosy feeling of home. I’m not sure you have to tip the reader off that it’s not real. Then the last paragraph, which is very well written, would be a surprise, and pack more punch.

It was very interesting to see Alexis and Raena discuss the natures of their own worlds, and form a closer bond. It’s a bit of a personal taste of mine but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile through conversations – that probably says more about me!

I love reading a fantasy that has a fully realised world, and you hint at that by describing the constellations. I think you could describe Eitan’s size more as he’s swooping in, it was a surprise that Alexis could only hug his leg (though I suppose readers of the first book will know about him already).

I hope to read more soon. It strikes me that there could be a few moments of peril early on – small scale stuff, being attacked by a wild animal perhaps – just to see Raena, Alexis and Resen have to work together. It would give us an idea of their various skill-sets.

It’s a very good beginning. Highly starred.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Davidmauriceware wrote 450 days ago

Iv'e never been into stories where a person makes up fictional places and creatures, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Your story is well written and your imagination is a unique one. It is actually an enjoyable read. I'm sure many people will enjoy this one here.

Adeel wrote 453 days ago

A more promising book on my favourite topic. A great work more focused and blended with clarity of expression and thoughts. 6 stars with on my watch list and on my book shelf as well.

Shelby Z. wrote 460 days ago

This is a MUST READ BOOK, EVERYONE!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

D. S. Hale wrote 474 days ago

I like the name "urgog" and what fate awaited them at birth! Kinda like the honey bee. I'd almost like to follow the story of an urgog, you piqued my curiousity of them already!

You write well and describe the scenes so that I can imagine them in my head. It's a great story with a very good beginning. I didn't see anything that needed changing, or any errors.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A G Chaudhuri wrote 486 days ago


HAUNTINGLY DESCRIPTIVE PROSE.
YOU PAINT PICTURES WITH YOUR WORDS.

Dear Elora,

You passion for the genre is quite evident from the opening chapter that promises to deliver a masterfully crafted tribute to classic high fantasy.

And then, the next chapters tell a different story ! :-O

Wherever you’re heading with this, it’s not very difficult to imagine a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My ratings: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Although, I’ve never read this particular genre, I have seen a few films. Please allow me to share a few suggestions / observations.
But remember, they should be taken on board only if they’re relevant. :-)

Here are a few points that stood out.

Ch 1

‘… and the architecture matched the mood’ – you may try removing this phrase as it sounds a bit casual and detracts from the overall brooding description.

‘… descending into the depths of Zlothrael’ – I think this should be Ordonnath, as that’s the name of the castle, while Zlothrael is what they call the land.

‘fitting rooms’ – not good, ‘evaluation chambers’ maybe?

Ch 2

This one had me confused.
There was a stark departure from the feel of the preceding chapter. In spite of being told that this wasn’t real, I found it rather difficult to accept the two radically different settings. But I moved on because I had to find out where this was headed.

Ch 3

‘Raena’ spelled differently in the chapter title.

Okay, so now, we’re back to where we started.
But what really happened in Ch 2?

The writing leaves little to be desired as you’ve skilfully developed plot and created a whole new mythology.
The end of the chapter answers my nagging question.
And that brings me to,

The pitch.

This needs a revision. Big time.
It’s not very clear and does very little justice to the real charm of the story.
But, you already know what I mean, don’t you ? ;-)

You’ve got something fantastic going on here.
Best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC


RSLF wrote 487 days ago

Hello! Comments for prologue:

Its cloak stretched miles far west (this phrasing seems a bit awkward to me, and you use the word "far" again in the second half of this sentence. Maybe delete the first one?)

The mud carting urgogs joined the endless procession of (missing word here?) as they took their loads to their hives.

Anyway, on to my general opinions. I really loved the descriptions of the hives. BUT it did give me a bit of a sense of deja vu, reminding me of the scene in the 2nd LotR movie where we see an Uruk Hai being "born".

Chapter 1, pretty much perfect as it is. Very poignant.

Chapter 2:

she was a good tracker and swordsman (you could use "swordswoman"? Sorry, I just always find it weird see a woman referred to a swordsMAN lol)

Briefly she had even wondered if she was Arlwenar (an explanation here would be nice.)

I understand that that bow has seen you through many dangers (overusing the word "that" is something I'm guilty of, and I think this might be a case where you can get rid of one).

an old advisor was before less favoured than others (erm I find this really confusing. But then that might just be me. You know how daft I can be sometimes...)

I'm going to have to leave it there for now. But enjoying it so far.

Mystery Reader wrote 488 days ago

Bravo!
What a wonderfully designed story that you have here. I like the way you move into your story with ease but a pace that keeps your readers interested.
Everything is quite well done.
It has a special flare to the plot and characters.
I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, but not many.
I do enjoy your underwater city!!! A lot of scope to create right there.

*Reader*

Bria Heart wrote 494 days ago

This is an excellent work of art that you have here.
It is all so special to read and visualize.
The title is drawing in itself.
The pitch pulls you to read the book.
Part of it Reminds me of Gilbert Morris' books the Seven Sleepers. (The second book.)
You use just the right words to paint your word painting in the reader's mind.
I have only read half, but it is wonderfully drawn out.
Super Job.

Bria Heart <3

Shelby Z. wrote 500 days ago

Your book is as perfect as ever.
YOU do a great job writing your stories!!! Everything is so unique, creative, and detailed to a tee!
The characters unfold to great heights that people get more involved in them. They make you be them!
The places you can picture being there yourself.
The pain forces you to be a part of it and feel it.
Basically the reader gets completely involved with the book!
Great job as always!
I love your stories a lot.
Keep up the amazing work.

Shelby Z. /Driving Winds

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 502 days ago

~Alexis: Tears of Blood~

An enjoyable read, perefect for the YA market. It reminds me of a cross between Lord of the Rings and Monkey Island (the bird skull helm reminds me of Murray).

Great descriptions, i.e. 'The gate was a yawning mouth' and 'Cloudy membranes the colour of maggot flesh.'

Highy-rated! Well done!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Dianna Lanser wrote 520 days ago

Elora,

Yes, Revelation and Revolution all came back to me as I started reading Tears of Blood. The opening of Book two sets the beat for what the reader can expect in terms of literary excellence, as well as adventure. An ominous foreboding leads into a too good to be true dream for Alexis. Then as the reader becomes a participant of a long and mysterious voyage, the cadence of the story is strangely comforting and smooth. And if the reader is not impressed with that, they will be impressed with the how the surrounding landscape and the good Lady of Armanthea are so poetically describe. A literary treat - really. I had to stop reading just as the group was about to descend below the surface of the deep… This was a great cliff-hanger to make me come back and read more! Highly starred, Elora. I am so impressed with your writing. It is beautiful.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Shelby Z. wrote 521 days ago

I read just a little more and it keeps getting better.
There were a few misspelled words otherwise so good!
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 528 days ago

Read three more chapters ( I am at chapter 8 now.)
Things are getting more and more thrilling.
I so enjoy the way you get into your writing so much so that the reader is drawn into everything you write.
I hope to read more soon.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 536 days ago

I read up to chapter 5 and I am so enjoying your new idea for your series.
I love the underwater city and your new character Raina.
I can see that this will be a very exciting book again.
Can't wait to read on.
Well done so far.
God bless.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan Maki wrote 597 days ago

Chapter 2

I found it strange that when Alexis mentions a DVD player and a TV that Raina just takes it in stride as if it's the most natural thing in the world, when I would think she'd be a stranger to technology like this.

I was also wondering what Eitan was. Raina apparently hasn't met him,and Alexis doesn't say what he is. A dragon perhaps?

Some things need more clarification like "We'll take the Ruelan." But then you don't tell us what that is.

We now find out that Eitan is a karaki, and his kind were once called Accursed, but what is a karaki? Probably you're assuming that people will have read the first book and know this from that novel, but that isn't always the case, so some description is needed here.

Final thoughts. I was a bit unclear about what exactly Alexis and Resen are going with Raina to accomplish. I assume whatever they're journeying southeast for is the thrust of the book, or part of it, so it needs to be clearer what the peril is, what the problem is, and how and why they intend to help. So far I've found the book just a bit slow-moving. Prologue sets up some peril, dark forces are gathering, but for what? By the end of chapter 2 we still don't know what the danger is or what our heroine is going to do about it. Chapter 1 is a dream sequence with no real action to it. Chapter 2 is a walk in the woods talking. So essentially three chapters in and there hasn't been any dramatic moments of action, clash of dialogue, threat or peril...any of the things that will really suck the reader into the fantasy world you've created. People today, especially kids, are very immediate. They want something gripping, pulse-pounding, entertaining, right from the get-go or they're going to move on. I'm not saying this to be overly critical, I think you've created an interesting world and compelling characters and a rich history and background. I just think you need something more in these early chapters to really hook the reader in.

Still, I've enjoyed what I've read, and will give it high stars and backing asap. :)

All the best,

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Nathan Maki wrote 598 days ago

I just realized that chapter 1 was a prologue, so this comment is for Chapter 1, but number 2 on the site.

I thought the prolonged dream sequence that makes up Chapter 1 was good as a way of showing Alexis' happy background, but as a first chapter I wasn't sure if that's really enough to accomplish. I think it has a place, but perhaps not so early on? That's just my thought. I'm still interested though, so I'll read on to chapter 2.

Nathan Maki wrote 598 days ago

Hi Elora,

Here I am to read some of your book as promised. I like to write down comments as I come to them, and try to be constructive in any critiques. Keep in mind I'm only one reader, and my input isn't infallible. :) I've found that as authors we often miss stuff in our own work that others can pull out. That makes us all better writers in the end. So here I go, diving in reading. :)

Ramps doubled back "eratically" not erotically.

"herded into a drawn cart like cattle and (pulled) away"? "towed" away. Led away makes it sound like they're walking, being led.

"was all (too) recognizable"

Somehow the words "How is it going" seem too casual to be spoken by a dark lord, especially his first words. I'd expect something that could be said with a bit more menace.

The sentence "But age was of no concern when the thought..." doesn't read right.

I found the last sentence problematic as well. "From within" makes it sound like the overseer could see Lord Graebinn. You could just says "Within his mask" or "Behind his mask". I also thought that "grinned" makes him sound too friendly. I'd expect smiled wolfishly or something of the sort for someone who's supposed to be evil. And how does he say "Excellent"? Menacingly? Expectantly?

I thought the reference to the weak being eaten was suitably chilling, and you definitely give the reader the impression that something foul is afoot. You've created an excellent word picture of the evil fortress.

One thing I think would make the first chapter better would be if you could insert a bit more of a hook for the reader. He's raising an army but maybe give us a hint of what for? Also, is there a way to develop Lord Graebinn's character a bit more from the beginning here? He's obviously going to be a main character, so show us a bit more of his character and motivation in his interaction with the overseer and other creatures.

Overall I like your writing style and this reminds me, in a good way, of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I'm interested and reading on. I'll comment more on chapter 2.

Nathan

Cariad wrote 604 days ago

Hi. Came across your book by chance and have some comments you can take or leave, I offer them only as one reader. I liked the story and the feel of it - menacing, and a well constructed world. I did pick up some things that stopped me in my read, that you can ignore if you wish of course -

repetition of black at the start, close together - 'black, sharp, with a black sheen.......' (a dark sheen or something instead? as you also hae another dark shortly after with 'black eyes.'

a 'solution' (what of?) mixed with the blood of victims - of what? war? or sacrifice?

I didn't get that muddy, slimy ramps could be 'erotic' in any way.

You have two carts close together - 'carts of mud were carted...' heaved? dragged? hauled? instead?

You then bring on this wonderful, dark, menacing character in a bird skull helm - obviously respected and feared by all who see him - and he says 'how's it going?' - this sounds quite chummy and modern - bit like someone's dad - I thought you could maybe have made him seem a little less cosy?

I hope you don't think I'm being critical - I am enjoying the story and the unusual set up and world you have created - they are just suggestions of things that stopped my read a little. I shall be reading on though - it's got some great qualities and a good hook. Good ending to chapter one, too.
Cariad.

AdamMosely77 wrote 607 days ago

Awesome! Your good.

Nigel Fields wrote 726 days ago

Alexis: Tears of Blood flows along well. Nice description throughout the four chapters that I've read so far. I liked in the opening: The windows were like empty black eyes . . . the gate, a yawning mouth. Very appropriate, creating the atmosphere I believe you intend. I got momentarily stuck on the overseer's reply, "Well, my Lord Graebim." Only because my 'ear' first thought it was meant as the word-whisker "Well" as opposed to the answer "Well." I tend to be retentive, and thus, for me (I'm sure I'm in the minority), "Very well, my Lord Graebim." works smoother, no abiguity. Chapter two worked for clarification. Great MC. Other characters are well drawn. Good conflict, giving this momentum. Five stars for now.
Best,
John B Campbell

Su Dan wrote 815 days ago

very little wrong with; if anything. you have a great fluid style that moves the story along, and in great style...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

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