Book Jacket

 

rank 787
word count 124258
date submitted 23.02.2011
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Alexis: Tears of Blood

Elora Carmen Shore

Many terrors have already been faced...but Alexis will find that her heart has not yet known the deepest pain.

 

With the battle of Ethen'dor won, Alexis and Resen have found the next path that they must take. Corruption and uncertainty have claimed kingdoms to the south, and the kingdoms to the east suffer. But the enemy has something to unleash that no one would have seen, something that will strike at the heart of the cause, into the Chosen herself.
New figures will arise, new swords unsheathed, and veils will be dropped....

The Chosen is going to know the meaning of heartache and darkness, and the whole land of Aunniguld is going to be aflood with bloodshed once again.

 
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tags

battles, bloodshed, darkness, death, grief, heartache, war

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Chapters

28

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Chapter 27 The Raid For the Free People

The next morning the group took a breath of air as they went forward on their journey. The plain was quiet and flat as before, broken only by scattered boulders jutting sharply from the ground. The wind blew, but it was an almost silent sound.

They urged their horses forward at a gentle gallop, Eitan flying a short distance away. The horses were gradually get used to riding with a fanged beast overhead.

That night on the plain, with the fire lighting up the circle of friends, they all discussed where they were to head next as they munched on the bones of the conies they had managed to shoot down. Eitan was off hunting deer, and the horses grazed peacefully only a few feet away.

The raiders are blazing paths over ranges that were before left alone,” Rylan was saying as he ate, “My guess is that before they didn't figure them worth their notice, but now they see the advantage of wiping out the little men who live alone in secluded villages. With no one to protect them, they wipe out, actually, a good number of potential soldiers of the cause.”

They all listened intently, especially Alexis.

Rylan took up a stick and began drawing in the dirt. “Now, from what I've heard, and the few villages that I've seen left ruined myself, I'd say that the major trails are here and here, to this side of the Sindrin range, and here at the Redrin desert region.”

At the Redrin region he drew a trail that spread out like crooked, misplaced fingers. Upon the Sindrin range the trail spread over the dry mountains like so many ant trails.

The ones pressing west are nearest us, obviously....” The stick drew more lines, fingered trails going around an oblong shape.

What's this part?” Alexis asked, pointing to the blob.

That's the Cursed Willows,” Resen answered. “Granted, they weren't always cursed.”

Rylan nodded. “This is as far as I've heard the trails to come. Even they don't dare go in there—not that they have any reason to. So that's what we have to deal with.” Rylan sat back, tossing his stick aside.

They all looked at it thoughtfully as they chewed.

I say we strike from the side,” Resen said suddenly. “We cut off their advance. Sure, some will go on west—perhaps—but if we work backwards, we ruin their trails and their resources. They get what they can when they plunder, but not all are going to have what they need.”

He's right,” Raena said, leaning forward and taking the stick. “If we strike here, first, along this northern finger, we ruin their steady advance northwest. Then if we move swiftly enough, we can strike the main trail near the tip, and move along east.”

Alexis rocked on her feet, angry and sympathetic for those who were losing their homes, their loved ones, everything they had—what little it even was. “I'm sure we'll decide our next course when we get there,” she stated finally. “We must concern ourselves with this first, and only hope that others will do what they can. And once we get to the south, we can then deal with Fauzazge.”

So that settles it then?” Rylan asked, putting down his bowl and relaxing back, ready for bed.

Yes. We can start off tomorrow.”

I rather feel like a good raid myself,” Raena stated, taking out her slender sword and polishing it with a rag.

Rylan lifted his cup. “To the raid for the Free People!”

 

 

____________________

 

 

The morning dawned upon the three riders galloping swiftly across the plain and a karaki overhead. Every now and then he swooped down close to the grasses, turning them into a churning mass. He softly bellowed his welcome to the morning.

Alexis looked back at the others with a smile as the wind whipped around her face. They returned the gesture as the horses thundered over the grasses. She lifted her face as the rising sun's dusky golden rays fell, and for a brief time she was lost in the warmth and peace of the moment. It would be many miles before they left the plains, and into the the vast mountainous desert of the middle east. The Eastern Midlands stretched for leagues beyond leagues, almost unchanging, before they bordered on the dark moors of Glalthen.

The trail went on, the hours blurring together with the endless travel and brief meals. The days hadn't been long before the group drew near their chosen area of destination. Here the farthest two raiding trails to the Redrin Regions' southernmost border reached, new and old bands continually being fed from the ceaseless ranks from Zothrael.

Coming upon the scene, the party slowed their tread and cautiously blended with the terrain.

At different points on a ridge, they peered down into the gorge below. The gorge functioned as a smoother passage to the southern border, the alternative being the uneven, rocky miles to be covered.

A train of ravogs and a few caravans moved along it, the front end of the group about fifty yards away, to the northwestern end. They were mounted on knarl'ims, heavy, grisly hogs large enough to carry several mounts. Rylan counted heads from behind his hiding place and Raena counted weapons. Resen judged the layout of the situation.

After a moment they crawled farther out of sight, and slunk away to the rear of the train, and crouched behind the rocks. Resen turned toward the sky, and made a motion with his hand. A dark form moved in the heights. Resen turned to Raena and Rylan, who both had their bows out, strung and ready. They nodded to him. He nodded back.

All together they rose and began to fire rapidly upon the ravogs, the strings singing sharply as they arrows were released. They brought down twelve men before the Ravens even got their bearings, and then they dodged along the rocks, shooting as they fleetingly passed. The ravogs were roaring in confusion and anger, trying to pinpoint their attackers.

They appeared again, more spaced out, and loosed their arrows again. More ravogs screamed and shouted, some falling off their horses as they clutched arrows protruding from their flesh, others stumbled dazedly with shafts sticking from their faces.

Others ran for cover, falling with garbled yells as an arrow embedded itself in their backs. Arrows were fired back at the mysterious assailants, only to fly pass them, shatter against the rocks, or miss altogether as the mysterious attackers dodged back to safety.

The front of the train began to turn back to aid the rear when there was a bellow, and they spun back about. Their skin blanched and their eyes filled with fear as a gigantic black beast dove upon them, jaws agape. It let out a ferocious, snarling roar, and Alexis unsheathed her sword.

The ravogs screamed as the two rushed upon them, and teeth and talons tore ravogs from the saddles. The horses and hogs screeched and screamed in terror, their eyes rolling as they tried to escape.

Eitan dove upon the men again, ripping them screaming and terrified from their saddles and carrying them into the air before dropping them onto their brethren.

The others flashed from rock to rock firing as they went. When Eitan had rushed upon the ravogs from the front, all turned to maddened mayhem. Resen, Raena, and Rylan rushed down from the ridge below, pebbles and dirt falling as they skidded down and leapt from the rocks. Swords flashed as they rang out from their sheaths. Resen and Raena fell upon the Ravens with a vengeance, and Rylan flourished his scimitar as he took his multi-bladed throwing knife out of his belt, and flung it through the air. It struck a ravog with a sickening thud, who flew backwards without even uttering a scream.

Resen lunged at a ravog and beheaded him with a swing; landing on his feet, he whirled around, embedding his sword into another's midsection. He shoved the ravog away as he jerked his sword out of his flesh.

Raena sparred with a ravog, her sword whipping around as it sung. She blocked an overhead cut, then a swift side cut. Forcing the swords upward, she yanked her dagger from her belt and stabbed him in the stomach. The ravog's face drained of all color and he fell to the ground.

Another ravog lunged at her with a savage snarl, whipping his knife at her neck. Raena ducked and swung her sword up as he went pass. He crumpled onto the ground. She slashed at the back of another to her left, and as he fell she saw Rylan not ten feet away swinging his scimitar and slashing with a strange weapon on his hand. It was a bar that went over the knuckles, attached with razor sharp claws. Rylan slashed and swung like a vicious wildcat.

Rylan ducked, swinging at a ravog's legs. As the ravog went down, Rylan gave him a vicious upwards slash with his claws, then spun around and leapt on another, burying his scimitar into his heart. He glanced up to see Eitan swoop over him, snatching ravogs off their feet and rending with his claws. Arrows flew at him, some piercing through his wings. He roared and dove upon them, tearing among them. A couple arrows protruded from his hind leg, and one on the other side, on his shoulder.

Eitan was tingling with battle hunger. As he drew up close to an outcropping in the ravine wall, Alexis leapt onto it before he passed. She propelled herself off the outcropping, and dove into the fray, wielding Wolvring and her dagger. Eitan landed, and rushed into the mayhem. The few horses ran every which way, abandoning their riders, as hogs either fled or fought with chaotic, screeching abandon. Horses galloped out of the ravine screaming at the top of their lungs.

Alexis spun and kicked out, catching her opponent in the stomach. With a twisting motion she stabbed him with her dagger. She yanked it out, turned, and hurled it into the heart of another.

Alexis took two steps, locked blades with a ravog, then swung at his legs. He jumped and Alexis batted his sword aside, twisted around and grabbed the dagger from the heart of the dead ravog, then twisted back, embedding it into her assailant's neck before he could recover.

Two ravogs rushed at her from opposite sides, and just as they reached her she ducked as their swords swung. One sword caught the other in the throat, and Alexis swept Wolvring at the one still standing. He fell, and Alexis finished him off with a quick stab. He let out a choked groan and went silent.

She looked to her left, and saw a ravog fall onto Resen, then slip to the ground, sliding off Resen's bloodied sword. Farther behind him, Raena beheaded one Raven and stabbed another. Rylan, ten feet to her right, kicked one in the stomach and slashed him down the chest. The ravog screamed  as he felt with a thrash.

All of a sudden it grew quiet, the sound of the fleeing hogs and horses dying away. It was only then that they realized they had done it. The job was finished. The ravogs lay everywhere, their blood staining the dry ground. Eitan stood near the back of the ravine, quivering from the blood rushing through his veins. He let out a brief triumphant roar, and shook his wings.

They all looked at each other, and Resen nodded. “It's done.”

They picked their way through the mass of bodies, cleaning their blades as they went and gathering arrows. Shortly after they began going through one of the caravans that had broken away from the horses. It was filled with tents, food, and weapons.

We don't need tents, it'd just be extra luggage,” Resen stated, throwing it back into the caravan. “But we could take those.” He picked up some daggers and looked them over, and unsheathed them. He tested the edges. He tossed a blunt one back in. Rylan and Alexis looked at the daggers as well, and tucked a couple into their belts.

These will be useful,” Raena said, looking over some arrows. They were tainted, typical of all Raven arrows. She grabbed a heap and arranged them neatly in her quiver.

That would be interesting—killing Ravens with their own arrows. If found, there will be hell to pay among the ranks,” Rylan stated.

Then let's take them,” Alexis said chuckling, putting some into her8 own quiver.

 

 

____________________

 

 

The night was quiet. Only a little moonlight filtered through the trees onto the trail. The Ravens moved along quietly, the one caravan rumbling in the middle of the group. The wind made a low sound through the leaves.

There was the slightest ruffle. All of a sudden a ravog cried out, whipping backwards in the air. A black arrow protruded from his back. Then another, and another arrow flew through the air, both finding their mark. All started shouting. There were slight ruffles from the bushes here and there as the wind picked up, and more arrows flew. The ravogs shot at the slightest movement, but their arrows were futile. Whining missiles continued to fly in every direction. A curved blade twirled through the air as it was flung from the brush, and it embedded itself into the heart of a ravog, who screamed and fell dead. The last fighters fell, clutching arrows protruding from their chests, or falling to their knees then on their face as they were struck in the back. In just those few moments it was over.

The foursome stepped out of the bushes and retrieved arrows. Alexis freed and cleaned her Langorean blade. They disappeared, making now for the southwest. The bodies were left as they were.

 

 

____________________

 

 

The band of twenty ravogs were cantering fast along the trail east on strong knarl'ims. There was no caravan. Collected booty was in bags, which were straddled over the horses' backs and tied to their saddles. One rider, at the edge of the group, caught the sound of running hooves that were not their own. He looked to his left. In a clearing in the hills Resen appeared at full charge, and loosed an arrow straight into the ravog's face.

The ravog screamed, and the hog, terrified by its rider's cry, shrieked angrily and lashed about. The sudden movement caused the charge behind to collide, and they too bucked and reared back, crying out in alarm. The ravogs shouted and cursed in confusion and anger.

Alexis, Raena, and Rylan rushed up galloping at full speed, loosing their arrows. The bowstrings released with a sharp twang, and the missles found their marks. The ravogs screamed. Those not struck turned viciously onto their attackers, unsheathing scimitars and long daggers.

The others unsheathed their swords and clashed, but just as metal screamed against metal, a scream not of their kind filled the air, and  they looked up to see Eitan diving from the sky, and lift hogs and riders off the ground, strangling and rending them before he let them drop back to the ground.

Alexis and Raena fought back to back, valiantly fending off ravogs with their blood-lusting blades. Alexis flung the knife of her attacker away and dealt him a swift stab through the heart. Raena's sword rasped against the scimitar of the mounted Raven before her, as he blocked her overhead strike. As the blades pressed downward with the force of her strike, Raena whipped her sword back up in a curve, and brought it down on the Raven's head. There was a sickening thud and he fell to the ground, blood spurting from the crack in his skull. Maddened by the smell, the knarl'im snort and screamed, tearing and biting as it took off.

Resen sparred with a ravog that had come up alongside him, and as he went for a jab in the ribs the Raven gave him a swift punch that sent him over the saddle. Resen landed with a heavy thud, but was back on his feet in a moment. Wild-eyed and snorting, the knarl'im turned on Resen, and he smashed down on its neck, sidestepping.

The ravog attacker plunged his his scimitar toward Resen even as he dove to the ground. Resen took the opportunity and swung his sword and dagger as he spun himself away. The blades sliced through the goblin's flesh and he screamed, colliding into the ground.

Five more towering ravogs lunged at Resen, and Resen swung his blade with such force it went through the first Raven, and the Raven fell back, almost thrown onto his comrade. Resen's great sword flashed in the sun as it did its work swiftly, and rasped savagely as it slashed against rough blades.

A ravog pulled back his arm to fling a dagger into Resen's back, but Rylan, a few feet away, snatched out his throwing knife, sending it forward into the ravog's throat. The ravog wobbled, dropping his knife before collapsing.

Resen nodded to Rylan in thanks, then swung at a ravog who was rushing him. The ravog couldn't bring up his long dagger fast enough to block the blow, before his head was swept from his body.

Two dismounted ravogs were running. Eitan landed upon them and clutched one with his talons, pinning him. He flexed his muscles and there was a crunch as the ravog's spine broke. To the other Eitan reached out and snapped up in his jaws. He gave him a brief crunch then indifferently flung him away. The ravog crashed against a tall boulder and fell to the ground, every bone crushed. Eitan turned to the remaining wounded knarl'im, which he ate hungrily.

Everyone quickly examined and tended to their wounds. Resen had a gash on his hand and cut on his shoulder and side. Rylan had a cut along the side of his calf, and Raena's hand and collarbone was bleeding.

Alexis wiped away the blood on her face that was trickling from a cut in her temple. She had cuts on both of her hands, but neither were serious.

We were rather lucky,” she said aloud, as she walked to the loot bags on the body of a dead, ragged horse. Resen nodded silently. They went to work gathering arrows and their daggers, cleaning them on the grass, and going through the spoil bags.

Alexis felt something cold and gripped it. When she brought it out, she saw it was a small golden figurine of half goat, half human creature holding a sword against its chest. Resen looked over at her and the figurine caught his eye. He came over and took it in his hand.

That's Sindrin work,” he said, turning it over in his hand. “This band, obviously, has visited the area...unless they're looting their own bands.”

Rylan was ruffling through the bags and looking at the valuable objects. “There's definitely two headquarters,” he said.

Yes. The band we attacked last night had different apparel. They sported crow feathers, along with the raven ones.”

They look so grotesque,” Alexis said distastefully, making a slight face as she kicked a body over. “I thought the armored ravogs at Ethen'dor looked bad. I think I'd rather see them with their skull helmets than their plain skin.”

Strange to remember they were once human,” Resen commented, looking at the dead.

Alexis looked at him, mulling over the thought. Her gaze roved over him, and Raena and Ash, wondering at their own possible capacity for becoming such an ugly evil. She found it hard to imagine.

That night they camped at the base of a cluster of boulders, just a short way from the cliffside drop into a canyon. They had a nice, small fire from dry grasses. They laughed lightly as they told each other stories and jokes, as their horses grazed within the fire's light. The conversation turned to Shalgotha, and Rylan wondered if he had gotten word already of Alexis's capture and escape. No doubt the small group that had taken her had sent off a couple messengers before Alexis had been released.

I don't know,” Resen said musingly, chewing on a root. “He won't be so straight forward as before, whatever he does. He knows another try would be almost futile. He’ll need a better strategy this time.”

Alexis nodded. She and Eitan wouldn't be caught so easily again...especially Eitan. Being tied down was a wound to his pride, and he had paid the ravogs back amply.

Whatever they will be, we can possibly thwart them by just stopping the raids, period, as was our plan,” Resen said as he began to polish his sword. “But I doubt it at the same time.... Crow will be too smart. We'll just have to take care of our actions...in case they're leading us, in some way.” Alexis nodded. She smiled and gave a nudge to Rylan. “If I'm captured again, you'll rescue me again, won't you?” she asked.

Rylan made a mock expression of incredulous hurt. “You would doubt me? You wound me, milady. How could I resist?” He grinned broadly.

We'll storm the castle,” Resen said, with a companionable smile as he chuckled, shaking his head. “But I retain the right to carry you out.”

Or die trying,” Raena put in. Everyone laughed.

Alexis grinned. The sense of companionship was precious. They were all one. There was nothing to fear.

Chapters

28

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Bug289 wrote 382 days ago

Elora,

Justa quick stop in to check out book 2. From my initial read of the prologue one thing jumped out at me that might or might not be useful.
You paint a very clear picture of the scene, I was drawn into the bleakness of the place but what I found myself asking was why?

Why is this place filthy, why is it bleak, has it always been like that? Was it once a beautiful city, destroyed in a war or have they always been a slovenly people?

Perhaps you cover it through the previous book (which I did not get back to) but, if you do it might be worth a quick summary here to recap for the reader or for those crazies that start in the middle of a series. :)

Just a thought that occurred.

Very good description though (apart from the repeats others have mentioned) and good suspense. I will try to get to more of it this time :)

Danielle

Shelby Z. wrote 405 days ago

Exciting isn't a strong enough word for this book.
It moves to amazing heights of creativity.
I wish I had it in my hands to savor over and keep on a bookshelf in my bedroom.
Fantastic read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

;D

fayha wrote 411 days ago

A very intersting read I love the way your writing flows and the names and places are very imaginative.
"maggots encased in amorphous jells." Wonderful stuff. I have read 2 chapters so far. On my watchlist.

Geddy25 wrote 412 days ago

I just read the first few chapters and love some of the language you have used in your descriptions. "Autumn had cast it's spell....." was one of my favourite sentences.
You have created a wonderful world in your writing full of adventure and imagination and this is the kind of story I like to read.
I loved some of the names of places and characters and some of them even made me think they were familiar. I did however struggle at times to keep up with all of the names. I'm a bit thick and I found trying to remember what was what a bit difficult at times.
However, a great start to a book! High stars, well done!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

tojo wrote 445 days ago

I read up to chapter 12 then time pulled me away, a very good fantasy read, plenty of action and weird animals, lots of imagination and good story line, my sort of book, I like it. 5*****

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

jlbwye wrote 445 days ago

Alexis - Tears of Blood. I find your pitches a bit vague. What sort of terrors, and who are the Chosen? Perhaps a bit of back-story here would not go amiss?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prologue. Atmospheric words, and great choice of names, which run around the tongue. Is it something akin to a beehive that we're seeing, I wonder?
You have two 'metallic's inclose proximity.

Auth.2. I think you mean 'before they gobble it all - '
There are some superfluous words which are best avoided: began to, still.
Who or what is Alexis, I wonder?

Auth.3. Where are we now? I am a bit bewildered by those sudden switches.
Perhaps it's because I havent read the first book, that I feel this way.

But your prose is rich, and the dialogue natural.
The short chapters, too, are good for readers on this site.

The best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

femmefranglaise wrote 447 days ago

Hi Elora, sorry it has taken me so long to return your read. Firstly, I'm in awe of anyone who has managed to write 55 chapters! SciFi/Fantasy is not something I've read much of for a long time so it was refreshing to find such a well thought out and well written MS. You have a fantastic imagination and really good powers of description. The world of the Urgogs was gruesomely wonderful. I loved the juxtaposition between the first and second chapters with their totally different styles of writing and it shows your ability as a writer that you can swap so easily between the two. I'm really very impressed with this Elora. Highly starred and will be shelved very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Andrew Hughes wrote 448 days ago

Hi Elora,

I read the prologue and first two chapters.

You have an excellent visual style of writing, rendering scenes and characters with great details. The gruesome goings on in Ordonnath are described with relish. Details like the urgogs tearing out of their cells, or the way you describe the overseer’s eyes bring the reader right into the story.

A small thing, I noticed you sometimes repeat words close together, like ‘far’ in the second line, ‘mud and slime’ in the middle paragraphs and ‘voice’ when we meet Graebinn. They just chimed a bit.

Alexis’s dream in Ch 1 has a lovely cosy feeling of home. I’m not sure you have to tip the reader off that it’s not real. Then the last paragraph, which is very well written, would be a surprise, and pack more punch.

It was very interesting to see Alexis and Raena discuss the natures of their own worlds, and form a closer bond. It’s a bit of a personal taste of mine but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile through conversations – that probably says more about me!

I love reading a fantasy that has a fully realised world, and you hint at that by describing the constellations. I think you could describe Eitan’s size more as he’s swooping in, it was a surprise that Alexis could only hug his leg (though I suppose readers of the first book will know about him already).

I hope to read more soon. It strikes me that there could be a few moments of peril early on – small scale stuff, being attacked by a wild animal perhaps – just to see Raena, Alexis and Resen have to work together. It would give us an idea of their various skill-sets.

It’s a very good beginning. Highly starred.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Davidmauriceware wrote 456 days ago

Iv'e never been into stories where a person makes up fictional places and creatures, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Your story is well written and your imagination is a unique one. It is actually an enjoyable read. I'm sure many people will enjoy this one here.

Adeel wrote 459 days ago

A more promising book on my favourite topic. A great work more focused and blended with clarity of expression and thoughts. 6 stars with on my watch list and on my book shelf as well.

Shelby Z. wrote 466 days ago

This is a MUST READ BOOK, EVERYONE!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

D. S. Hale wrote 480 days ago

I like the name "urgog" and what fate awaited them at birth! Kinda like the honey bee. I'd almost like to follow the story of an urgog, you piqued my curiousity of them already!

You write well and describe the scenes so that I can imagine them in my head. It's a great story with a very good beginning. I didn't see anything that needed changing, or any errors.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A G Chaudhuri wrote 492 days ago


HAUNTINGLY DESCRIPTIVE PROSE.
YOU PAINT PICTURES WITH YOUR WORDS.

Dear Elora,

You passion for the genre is quite evident from the opening chapter that promises to deliver a masterfully crafted tribute to classic high fantasy.

And then, the next chapters tell a different story ! :-O

Wherever you’re heading with this, it’s not very difficult to imagine a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My ratings: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Although, I’ve never read this particular genre, I have seen a few films. Please allow me to share a few suggestions / observations.
But remember, they should be taken on board only if they’re relevant. :-)

Here are a few points that stood out.

Ch 1

‘… and the architecture matched the mood’ – you may try removing this phrase as it sounds a bit casual and detracts from the overall brooding description.

‘… descending into the depths of Zlothrael’ – I think this should be Ordonnath, as that’s the name of the castle, while Zlothrael is what they call the land.

‘fitting rooms’ – not good, ‘evaluation chambers’ maybe?

Ch 2

This one had me confused.
There was a stark departure from the feel of the preceding chapter. In spite of being told that this wasn’t real, I found it rather difficult to accept the two radically different settings. But I moved on because I had to find out where this was headed.

Ch 3

‘Raena’ spelled differently in the chapter title.

Okay, so now, we’re back to where we started.
But what really happened in Ch 2?

The writing leaves little to be desired as you’ve skilfully developed plot and created a whole new mythology.
The end of the chapter answers my nagging question.
And that brings me to,

The pitch.

This needs a revision. Big time.
It’s not very clear and does very little justice to the real charm of the story.
But, you already know what I mean, don’t you ? ;-)

You’ve got something fantastic going on here.
Best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC


RSLF wrote 493 days ago

Hello! Comments for prologue:

Its cloak stretched miles far west (this phrasing seems a bit awkward to me, and you use the word "far" again in the second half of this sentence. Maybe delete the first one?)

The mud carting urgogs joined the endless procession of (missing word here?) as they took their loads to their hives.

Anyway, on to my general opinions. I really loved the descriptions of the hives. BUT it did give me a bit of a sense of deja vu, reminding me of the scene in the 2nd LotR movie where we see an Uruk Hai being "born".

Chapter 1, pretty much perfect as it is. Very poignant.

Chapter 2:

she was a good tracker and swordsman (you could use "swordswoman"? Sorry, I just always find it weird see a woman referred to a swordsMAN lol)

Briefly she had even wondered if she was Arlwenar (an explanation here would be nice.)

I understand that that bow has seen you through many dangers (overusing the word "that" is something I'm guilty of, and I think this might be a case where you can get rid of one).

an old advisor was before less favoured than others (erm I find this really confusing. But then that might just be me. You know how daft I can be sometimes...)

I'm going to have to leave it there for now. But enjoying it so far.

Mystery Reader wrote 494 days ago

Bravo!
What a wonderfully designed story that you have here. I like the way you move into your story with ease but a pace that keeps your readers interested.
Everything is quite well done.
It has a special flare to the plot and characters.
I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, but not many.
I do enjoy your underwater city!!! A lot of scope to create right there.

*Reader*

Bria Heart wrote 500 days ago

This is an excellent work of art that you have here.
It is all so special to read and visualize.
The title is drawing in itself.
The pitch pulls you to read the book.
Part of it Reminds me of Gilbert Morris' books the Seven Sleepers. (The second book.)
You use just the right words to paint your word painting in the reader's mind.
I have only read half, but it is wonderfully drawn out.
Super Job.

Bria Heart <3

Shelby Z. wrote 506 days ago

Your book is as perfect as ever.
YOU do a great job writing your stories!!! Everything is so unique, creative, and detailed to a tee!
The characters unfold to great heights that people get more involved in them. They make you be them!
The places you can picture being there yourself.
The pain forces you to be a part of it and feel it.
Basically the reader gets completely involved with the book!
Great job as always!
I love your stories a lot.
Keep up the amazing work.

Shelby Z. /Driving Winds

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 508 days ago

~Alexis: Tears of Blood~

An enjoyable read, perefect for the YA market. It reminds me of a cross between Lord of the Rings and Monkey Island (the bird skull helm reminds me of Murray).

Great descriptions, i.e. 'The gate was a yawning mouth' and 'Cloudy membranes the colour of maggot flesh.'

Highy-rated! Well done!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Dianna Lanser wrote 527 days ago

Elora,

Yes, Revelation and Revolution all came back to me as I started reading Tears of Blood. The opening of Book two sets the beat for what the reader can expect in terms of literary excellence, as well as adventure. An ominous foreboding leads into a too good to be true dream for Alexis. Then as the reader becomes a participant of a long and mysterious voyage, the cadence of the story is strangely comforting and smooth. And if the reader is not impressed with that, they will be impressed with the how the surrounding landscape and the good Lady of Armanthea are so poetically describe. A literary treat - really. I had to stop reading just as the group was about to descend below the surface of the deep… This was a great cliff-hanger to make me come back and read more! Highly starred, Elora. I am so impressed with your writing. It is beautiful.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Shelby Z. wrote 527 days ago

I read just a little more and it keeps getting better.
There were a few misspelled words otherwise so good!
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 534 days ago

Read three more chapters ( I am at chapter 8 now.)
Things are getting more and more thrilling.
I so enjoy the way you get into your writing so much so that the reader is drawn into everything you write.
I hope to read more soon.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 542 days ago

I read up to chapter 5 and I am so enjoying your new idea for your series.
I love the underwater city and your new character Raina.
I can see that this will be a very exciting book again.
Can't wait to read on.
Well done so far.
God bless.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan Maki wrote 603 days ago

Chapter 2

I found it strange that when Alexis mentions a DVD player and a TV that Raina just takes it in stride as if it's the most natural thing in the world, when I would think she'd be a stranger to technology like this.

I was also wondering what Eitan was. Raina apparently hasn't met him,and Alexis doesn't say what he is. A dragon perhaps?

Some things need more clarification like "We'll take the Ruelan." But then you don't tell us what that is.

We now find out that Eitan is a karaki, and his kind were once called Accursed, but what is a karaki? Probably you're assuming that people will have read the first book and know this from that novel, but that isn't always the case, so some description is needed here.

Final thoughts. I was a bit unclear about what exactly Alexis and Resen are going with Raina to accomplish. I assume whatever they're journeying southeast for is the thrust of the book, or part of it, so it needs to be clearer what the peril is, what the problem is, and how and why they intend to help. So far I've found the book just a bit slow-moving. Prologue sets up some peril, dark forces are gathering, but for what? By the end of chapter 2 we still don't know what the danger is or what our heroine is going to do about it. Chapter 1 is a dream sequence with no real action to it. Chapter 2 is a walk in the woods talking. So essentially three chapters in and there hasn't been any dramatic moments of action, clash of dialogue, threat or peril...any of the things that will really suck the reader into the fantasy world you've created. People today, especially kids, are very immediate. They want something gripping, pulse-pounding, entertaining, right from the get-go or they're going to move on. I'm not saying this to be overly critical, I think you've created an interesting world and compelling characters and a rich history and background. I just think you need something more in these early chapters to really hook the reader in.

Still, I've enjoyed what I've read, and will give it high stars and backing asap. :)

All the best,

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Nathan Maki wrote 604 days ago

I just realized that chapter 1 was a prologue, so this comment is for Chapter 1, but number 2 on the site.

I thought the prolonged dream sequence that makes up Chapter 1 was good as a way of showing Alexis' happy background, but as a first chapter I wasn't sure if that's really enough to accomplish. I think it has a place, but perhaps not so early on? That's just my thought. I'm still interested though, so I'll read on to chapter 2.

Nathan Maki wrote 604 days ago

Hi Elora,

Here I am to read some of your book as promised. I like to write down comments as I come to them, and try to be constructive in any critiques. Keep in mind I'm only one reader, and my input isn't infallible. :) I've found that as authors we often miss stuff in our own work that others can pull out. That makes us all better writers in the end. So here I go, diving in reading. :)

Ramps doubled back "eratically" not erotically.

"herded into a drawn cart like cattle and (pulled) away"? "towed" away. Led away makes it sound like they're walking, being led.

"was all (too) recognizable"

Somehow the words "How is it going" seem too casual to be spoken by a dark lord, especially his first words. I'd expect something that could be said with a bit more menace.

The sentence "But age was of no concern when the thought..." doesn't read right.

I found the last sentence problematic as well. "From within" makes it sound like the overseer could see Lord Graebinn. You could just says "Within his mask" or "Behind his mask". I also thought that "grinned" makes him sound too friendly. I'd expect smiled wolfishly or something of the sort for someone who's supposed to be evil. And how does he say "Excellent"? Menacingly? Expectantly?

I thought the reference to the weak being eaten was suitably chilling, and you definitely give the reader the impression that something foul is afoot. You've created an excellent word picture of the evil fortress.

One thing I think would make the first chapter better would be if you could insert a bit more of a hook for the reader. He's raising an army but maybe give us a hint of what for? Also, is there a way to develop Lord Graebinn's character a bit more from the beginning here? He's obviously going to be a main character, so show us a bit more of his character and motivation in his interaction with the overseer and other creatures.

Overall I like your writing style and this reminds me, in a good way, of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I'm interested and reading on. I'll comment more on chapter 2.

Nathan

Cariad wrote 610 days ago

Hi. Came across your book by chance and have some comments you can take or leave, I offer them only as one reader. I liked the story and the feel of it - menacing, and a well constructed world. I did pick up some things that stopped me in my read, that you can ignore if you wish of course -

repetition of black at the start, close together - 'black, sharp, with a black sheen.......' (a dark sheen or something instead? as you also hae another dark shortly after with 'black eyes.'

a 'solution' (what of?) mixed with the blood of victims - of what? war? or sacrifice?

I didn't get that muddy, slimy ramps could be 'erotic' in any way.

You have two carts close together - 'carts of mud were carted...' heaved? dragged? hauled? instead?

You then bring on this wonderful, dark, menacing character in a bird skull helm - obviously respected and feared by all who see him - and he says 'how's it going?' - this sounds quite chummy and modern - bit like someone's dad - I thought you could maybe have made him seem a little less cosy?

I hope you don't think I'm being critical - I am enjoying the story and the unusual set up and world you have created - they are just suggestions of things that stopped my read a little. I shall be reading on though - it's got some great qualities and a good hook. Good ending to chapter one, too.
Cariad.

AdamMosely77 wrote 613 days ago

Awesome! Your good.

Nigel Fields wrote 732 days ago

Alexis: Tears of Blood flows along well. Nice description throughout the four chapters that I've read so far. I liked in the opening: The windows were like empty black eyes . . . the gate, a yawning mouth. Very appropriate, creating the atmosphere I believe you intend. I got momentarily stuck on the overseer's reply, "Well, my Lord Graebim." Only because my 'ear' first thought it was meant as the word-whisker "Well" as opposed to the answer "Well." I tend to be retentive, and thus, for me (I'm sure I'm in the minority), "Very well, my Lord Graebim." works smoother, no abiguity. Chapter two worked for clarification. Great MC. Other characters are well drawn. Good conflict, giving this momentum. Five stars for now.
Best,
John B Campbell

Su Dan wrote 821 days ago

very little wrong with; if anything. you have a great fluid style that moves the story along, and in great style...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

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