Book Jacket

 

rank 786
word count 124258
date submitted 23.02.2011
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Alexis: Tears of Blood

Elora Carmen Shore

Many terrors have already been faced...but Alexis will find that her heart has not yet known the deepest pain.

 

With the battle of Ethen'dor won, Alexis and Resen have found the next path that they must take. Corruption and uncertainty have claimed kingdoms to the south, and the kingdoms to the east suffer. But the enemy has something to unleash that no one would have seen, something that will strike at the heart of the cause, into the Chosen herself.
New figures will arise, new swords unsheathed, and veils will be dropped....

The Chosen is going to know the meaning of heartache and darkness, and the whole land of Aunniguld is going to be aflood with bloodshed once again.

 
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battles, bloodshed, darkness, death, grief, heartache, war

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Chapters

46

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Chapter 45 To the Empty Mountains

Alexis stirred in her dream. Earlier in the day she had awakened and made her way to a tiny copse of trees, where she had rested for the rest of the day. She was too tired to keep on as the days before. The mare was happy to wander around, although not daring to escape.

As night fell she had fallen asleep again, and now she tossed and turned in her dream. She saw trees, and water. At the sight of the clear, shimmering water her mouth began to water. She was so thirsty...the springs in the desert were dirty and small. She tried to crawl to it, but the way seemed impossibly long. And then, just as suddenly, she saw him again.

Go to the Empty Mountains, little one. You may find peace there.”

Alexis stared, transfixed. May? “What else might I find?” she demanded hastily, before he vanished again.

The truth,” he said solemnly. And then he was gone.

Alexis awoke and looked around, half expecting to see him. But everything was the same. She looked at the moon. It was more than halfway through the sky. Morning would come in a few hours.

Alexis looked into the far reaches of the south. It was shrouded in gray. Would she go to the Empty Mountains? She wanted peace...she knew that now. She wanted it desperately.

Alexis felt a tinge of hope. Perhaps she could find it.

Something in her thrashed malevolently. No, it growled hatefully. You must  continue in your dedication!

But I want to be free, she thought to herself.

Look at the testimony of your remembrance of those you loved.

I see blood and death. I want rest.

You will never find it unless you finish. You will only find despair in the Empty Mountains. Then it growled menacingly, You will not go there....

Alexis felt something in her snap, like an explosion of passion. “Yes I will!” she shouted out into the emptiness of the night.

The ring in her voice was the ring of a girl that she had been, like it was making one last call.

Alexis mounted the mare, and urgently turned it south, before the maddened things turned her back. She rode hard, as if to escape the wild passions inside.

 If she was to get to the Empty Mountains, better known to others as the Unending Mountains of Endor, she had a long journey ahead. Worse thing yet, she had no idea where in the world to find this “Mirror” the man spoke of. And the Mountains were vast. There was a great chance she would never come out...they weren't like the mountains of Ethen'dor, or the Northern Peaks. The Empty Mountains went on for hundreds of miles. Presumably to the end of the world.

But that was where she was headed. She had reached the end of her sanity and needed any hope of inner rest she could hold onto.

The mare sensed these more recognizable emotions in Alexis as they rode, and she relaxed a bit as she kept on at a steady pace, happy with her rest the day before.

All day they rode with two breaks for water and a brief rest, during which the mare ate what brush she could find.

Two days passed with them journeying south. They were days of torment, for the voice never stopped its prodding, its relentless whispering urging her to turn back and finish what she had started. Fighting against its constant antagonizing of her thoughts left her more exhausted than from the weariness the physical journey. Constantly pushing it into the back of her mind was a fight that afforded no rest.

The land rolled by as they put the miles behind them. The sun rose and set, and they continued on south. The days faded into one another, Alexis keeping no count of them.

A little after midday she passed within two miles of the Sheloc outpost. Everything inside her tightened. As she followed the land into more mountainous country she gazed back over toward the deserted post. That was the place, she felt, where she had lost herself and everything had become blurred and confused.

Alexis looked ahead, into the mountains. It'd be a long ride, but perhaps she'd find an answer in the end.

They traveled onward for almost another fortnight, not stopping until dusk, when they climbed a high ridge and Alexis looked over the land. The mountains stretched far away into the horizon, with dusty, empty valleys between their arms. Not a sound was to be heard. It was as if all life had left that part of the world.

 

 

____________________ 

 

 

The next morning Alexis directed the mare down into the mountains. The morning cast a dim, gray light down into them, mixing with the shadows. Alexis wondered if they had always been this way—so quiet, seemingly lifeless. Like some spell cast on a sleeper that only sinks deeper and deeper into sleep, never to awake again. Not a bird or insect was in sight. Or any plant life for that matter. She wondered if there was any water to be had. She hoped so—for both their sakes. A horn of water wouldn't last long between a horse and rider.

You'll starve, or thirst to death, the voice said. Going in is a mistake.

Alexis viciously shoved the thought aside and continued on. She needed answers more than she needed water.

For two lonely days Alexis wandered in the labyrinth of the mountains. Once she found a shallow spring dripped from the rock face of a mountain, but the water tasted chalky. The mare at first balked at the taste, then accepted it as there was no other alternative.

Alexis filled up her horn. It would keep them alive. That was all that mattered.

They rode up a the foot of a gently sloping mountain, and it took them higher. They eventually found themselves on higher ground, on what appeared to have been a long time ago actual turf. Alexis traveled around, desperately hoping for some kind of clue as to where she might find the “Mirror” the figure had told her of.

Resting at night was a lonely, cold affair. Her cloak was barely thick enough, and she had given the mare her blanket that she had taken from one of the urgog camps. It smelled abominably, but it held in some warmth. The mare was grateful for the unexpected sensitivity.

Eventually the mare settled down on the ground, close to Alexis. Their proximity provided more heat.

The next day Alexis continued searching, and early in the morning she came upon something she least expected. Ruins. On the lower mountain wall could be found pictographs of times long since. It was obvious that it had at one time been a small village.

She studied the pictographs, hoping that they'd give her a clue as to what happened and what might be in the vicinity. But there was nothing.

Alexis walked on through the ruins. It was amazing some of it was even still intact, like beams of wood. Perhaps all the materials had been strong and indigenous. As Alexis continued on through the desolated village, a decayed tarp of animal skin blew back, and she saw a couple skeletons underneath, stuck in the stone, the wind having blown them clean. One had to have been a child.

Alexis began to notice others laying around. What had happened? Had it been a raid that had killed these people so long ago?

Wind stirred in the small clearing and Alexis left. No wonder the Empty Mountains felt so empty. Death always seemed to leave a tread of silence.

Alexis led the mare higher up, and a few hours later she came to another village. This one was in a smaller clearing. Most of the ruins of what had been houses were tucked under overhangs and crevices in the mountain rock.

She led the mare through, and looked around. There was a small pathway cutting roughly through the rock behind a house, and Alexis followed it. It led to another set of old house frames, and she was about to go on when she noticed a cave. There was a big rock rolled almost completely over the entrance, and through it Alexis could see the cave with beam of sunlight filtering through small cuttings in the walls.

She approached the stone and looked down. A skeleton hand rested near the small opening. A struggle to escape, or a need to see the open?

She got down and struggled against the stone. She put her back to it and pressed her feet against the opposite wall, until there was a grinding noise. Then she got down and pushed with her shoulder. It ground back roughly into the wall. Alexis pushed until there was just barely enough space for her to squeeze through.

The cave was not large. It looked to be about twenty feet all round. Like she had figured, there were narrow cuts in the walls for light and air. And the room held more bodies. What in the world had happened? There looked to be ten bodies within, including two children.

Then Alexis noticed the pictures on the wall, cut with rough white rock. Pictures of all the people, happy, with happy seasons. Then black water came in the rivers, and all the people fell sick. They had thought at first it was the air that they breathed, so some hid away, taking water to last many days with them. But they woke up to the same bloody boils on their skin, festering wounds that itched and burned. They knew they would not last long. It was the water...no one would survive without water in the Empty Mountains, and it was all the water that was contaminated. All were going to die.

The last picture showed a empty village, and a lonely mountain with all of the flowers and people laying dead on the ground. They had all once been so happy. Now there was no one to continue on. Their own people had been taken from them.

As Alexis looked at the black river that snaked elusively behind the people, it seemed to be trying to speak something to her, whisper something, a truth of what had happened.

As there was nothing left to see, so Alexis turned to go out. She looked down at the hand stretched out from the opening. With the knowledge of death, the person had probably wanted one last look of the sky and mountains he had known. And it seemed safe to assume he only got one.

Alexis silently remounted the mare. She turned her head to the winding trails, going deeper and higher into the mountains. Surely there were more.

You'll only find despair, little one, a voice said. It is no use. You're wasting your time when you should be miles away fulfilling what you are.

Alexis noticed how the voice had called her “little one” just like that other voice had. Only from this, it sounded disgusting to her ears.

But was she wasting her time?

No. She wasn't. This was something she needed to complete for herself. She needed to know something, and this seemed to hold the most promise.

Alexis felt like she was losing what she had been, and that girl was fading fast into a past she could barely remember. The present self felt a call, an ugly pull back to the wide east where the roving Raven bands were still roaming, and whom she could pick of one by one like so many ants on the ground. Was that not her duty?

Alexis wrinkled her forehead, deep in thought as the mare pressed on patiently. Hadn't she always fought against the Ravens? What was the difference between the Alexis of before and the Alexis of now? What made her feel so...gloated with satisfaction after a slaughter but also so utterly rotten, lost, and filthy?

This journey was the last thread, and she needed all her strength to follow it and discover the answer. Was she lost? Would she forever feel empty save for that brutal wrath and hatred that fueled her whenever she drew blade against the urgogs, the kind that had taken those she loved and took strength and comfort in?

The mare curved cautiously through the rough natural paths in the mountain, following wherever they led. She was about to follow a path that sloped upwards, when Alexis abruptly stopped her. Down, just a little ways, was a small cave with moss vines hanging over it, the first plant life Alexis had seen in her whole time in Endor.

She turned the mare's head to go the opposite way to the moss cave. There was something strange about it. She dismounted and pushed the moss aside. The cave looked to be at least fifty feet around. Pictographs were everywhere. It took only a moment to see that this was where they had recorded history and tales.

Alexis scanned along the walls, and when she got near the end, she looked at the far wall. There was a picture of something glowing, with people standing around it. Alexis hastily stepped over. The glowing thing was oval, with a small waterfall flowing over it, into a shallow pool below. Alexis's blood quickened.

The people stood around it, but the strange thing was that most of them looked terrified. Their eyes were large and staring, and their faces screwed up into a voiceless scream. But then there were others who had the most heavenly and blissful look on their faces. What did this mean?

To Alexis, there was no doubt the object was what she was looking for—the Mirror. But the picture filled her with fearful trepidation. What was she going to see? There was a picture above that showed the Mirror up high in the mountains, in the heart of one that had three jutting spires.

Alexis took a deep breath. She must keeping going. She had come so far already, was weak, starving, exhausted. Almost without hope. She needed at least to reach the end, to know if it had been worthwhile.

It won't, the voice said.

Before she could listen and come under the soothing spell of its voice, Alexis turned and remounted the mare, and led her back up the path. This time she instinctively felt like she knew where she was going.

 

 

____________________ 

 

 

Hours later as the sun was setting in a dim, overcast sky, Alexis mounted a high rise. The sky thundered softly. She could see it in the distance—a three-spired mountain jutting up from among the ring of surrounding mountains. Mist clung about it, like it was hiding a secret. The thunder rumbled again, closer and louder this time. The sunlight was fading fast.

Alexis knew she needed to find a place to hole up. A mountaintop was no place to be standing during a thunderstorm. She gently kicked the mare's side, and she moved to the right, following the flow of the mountain, even as the voices began arguing again, snarling at her stupidity.

There was barely any path to be seen, although Alexis figured that this was the way the people of Endor would have gone. Nearly a hundred feet away as they turned back south towards the mountain and the path sloped down, Alexis spotted a deep overhang that would suit both her and the mare.

With the impatient peal of loud thunder overhead, she quickened her step as she led the mare under the shelter. The mare was just as glad to get out of the open as Alexis was, and she shook herself. Alexis rubbed her down and placed the blanket over her. The mare nickered and looked at Alexis.

Alexis patted her. As she sat down she paused and looked at the poor horse. Whenever had she patted her, showed her a little affection? She couldn't remember a single time, save for the time she covered her with a blanket. It felt strange—like she should, and shouldn't, have done it. But she had.

She looked in the mare's eyes as they furtively glanced at her. They showed wary fear, but also a longing. For the first time in so long, Alexis felt something different. She felt pity.

Alexis settled down as the thunder pealed and a shower of heavy rain fell down. Thank goodness they had found shelter. Alexis wondered where tomorrow would find her.

 

Chapters

46

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Bug289 wrote 406 days ago

Elora,

Justa quick stop in to check out book 2. From my initial read of the prologue one thing jumped out at me that might or might not be useful.
You paint a very clear picture of the scene, I was drawn into the bleakness of the place but what I found myself asking was why?

Why is this place filthy, why is it bleak, has it always been like that? Was it once a beautiful city, destroyed in a war or have they always been a slovenly people?

Perhaps you cover it through the previous book (which I did not get back to) but, if you do it might be worth a quick summary here to recap for the reader or for those crazies that start in the middle of a series. :)

Just a thought that occurred.

Very good description though (apart from the repeats others have mentioned) and good suspense. I will try to get to more of it this time :)

Danielle

Shelby Z. wrote 429 days ago

Exciting isn't a strong enough word for this book.
It moves to amazing heights of creativity.
I wish I had it in my hands to savor over and keep on a bookshelf in my bedroom.
Fantastic read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

;D

fayha wrote 435 days ago

A very intersting read I love the way your writing flows and the names and places are very imaginative.
"maggots encased in amorphous jells." Wonderful stuff. I have read 2 chapters so far. On my watchlist.

Geddy25 wrote 436 days ago

I just read the first few chapters and love some of the language you have used in your descriptions. "Autumn had cast it's spell....." was one of my favourite sentences.
You have created a wonderful world in your writing full of adventure and imagination and this is the kind of story I like to read.
I loved some of the names of places and characters and some of them even made me think they were familiar. I did however struggle at times to keep up with all of the names. I'm a bit thick and I found trying to remember what was what a bit difficult at times.
However, a great start to a book! High stars, well done!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

tojo wrote 469 days ago

I read up to chapter 12 then time pulled me away, a very good fantasy read, plenty of action and weird animals, lots of imagination and good story line, my sort of book, I like it. 5*****

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

jlbwye wrote 469 days ago

Alexis - Tears of Blood. I find your pitches a bit vague. What sort of terrors, and who are the Chosen? Perhaps a bit of back-story here would not go amiss?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prologue. Atmospheric words, and great choice of names, which run around the tongue. Is it something akin to a beehive that we're seeing, I wonder?
You have two 'metallic's inclose proximity.

Auth.2. I think you mean 'before they gobble it all - '
There are some superfluous words which are best avoided: began to, still.
Who or what is Alexis, I wonder?

Auth.3. Where are we now? I am a bit bewildered by those sudden switches.
Perhaps it's because I havent read the first book, that I feel this way.

But your prose is rich, and the dialogue natural.
The short chapters, too, are good for readers on this site.

The best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

femmefranglaise wrote 471 days ago

Hi Elora, sorry it has taken me so long to return your read. Firstly, I'm in awe of anyone who has managed to write 55 chapters! SciFi/Fantasy is not something I've read much of for a long time so it was refreshing to find such a well thought out and well written MS. You have a fantastic imagination and really good powers of description. The world of the Urgogs was gruesomely wonderful. I loved the juxtaposition between the first and second chapters with their totally different styles of writing and it shows your ability as a writer that you can swap so easily between the two. I'm really very impressed with this Elora. Highly starred and will be shelved very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Andrew Hughes wrote 472 days ago

Hi Elora,

I read the prologue and first two chapters.

You have an excellent visual style of writing, rendering scenes and characters with great details. The gruesome goings on in Ordonnath are described with relish. Details like the urgogs tearing out of their cells, or the way you describe the overseer’s eyes bring the reader right into the story.

A small thing, I noticed you sometimes repeat words close together, like ‘far’ in the second line, ‘mud and slime’ in the middle paragraphs and ‘voice’ when we meet Graebinn. They just chimed a bit.

Alexis’s dream in Ch 1 has a lovely cosy feeling of home. I’m not sure you have to tip the reader off that it’s not real. Then the last paragraph, which is very well written, would be a surprise, and pack more punch.

It was very interesting to see Alexis and Raena discuss the natures of their own worlds, and form a closer bond. It’s a bit of a personal taste of mine but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile through conversations – that probably says more about me!

I love reading a fantasy that has a fully realised world, and you hint at that by describing the constellations. I think you could describe Eitan’s size more as he’s swooping in, it was a surprise that Alexis could only hug his leg (though I suppose readers of the first book will know about him already).

I hope to read more soon. It strikes me that there could be a few moments of peril early on – small scale stuff, being attacked by a wild animal perhaps – just to see Raena, Alexis and Resen have to work together. It would give us an idea of their various skill-sets.

It’s a very good beginning. Highly starred.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Davidmauriceware wrote 480 days ago

Iv'e never been into stories where a person makes up fictional places and creatures, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Your story is well written and your imagination is a unique one. It is actually an enjoyable read. I'm sure many people will enjoy this one here.

Adeel wrote 483 days ago

A more promising book on my favourite topic. A great work more focused and blended with clarity of expression and thoughts. 6 stars with on my watch list and on my book shelf as well.

Shelby Z. wrote 490 days ago

This is a MUST READ BOOK, EVERYONE!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

D. S. Hale wrote 504 days ago

I like the name "urgog" and what fate awaited them at birth! Kinda like the honey bee. I'd almost like to follow the story of an urgog, you piqued my curiousity of them already!

You write well and describe the scenes so that I can imagine them in my head. It's a great story with a very good beginning. I didn't see anything that needed changing, or any errors.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A G Chaudhuri wrote 516 days ago


HAUNTINGLY DESCRIPTIVE PROSE.
YOU PAINT PICTURES WITH YOUR WORDS.

Dear Elora,

You passion for the genre is quite evident from the opening chapter that promises to deliver a masterfully crafted tribute to classic high fantasy.

And then, the next chapters tell a different story ! :-O

Wherever you’re heading with this, it’s not very difficult to imagine a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My ratings: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Although, I’ve never read this particular genre, I have seen a few films. Please allow me to share a few suggestions / observations.
But remember, they should be taken on board only if they’re relevant. :-)

Here are a few points that stood out.

Ch 1

‘… and the architecture matched the mood’ – you may try removing this phrase as it sounds a bit casual and detracts from the overall brooding description.

‘… descending into the depths of Zlothrael’ – I think this should be Ordonnath, as that’s the name of the castle, while Zlothrael is what they call the land.

‘fitting rooms’ – not good, ‘evaluation chambers’ maybe?

Ch 2

This one had me confused.
There was a stark departure from the feel of the preceding chapter. In spite of being told that this wasn’t real, I found it rather difficult to accept the two radically different settings. But I moved on because I had to find out where this was headed.

Ch 3

‘Raena’ spelled differently in the chapter title.

Okay, so now, we’re back to where we started.
But what really happened in Ch 2?

The writing leaves little to be desired as you’ve skilfully developed plot and created a whole new mythology.
The end of the chapter answers my nagging question.
And that brings me to,

The pitch.

This needs a revision. Big time.
It’s not very clear and does very little justice to the real charm of the story.
But, you already know what I mean, don’t you ? ;-)

You’ve got something fantastic going on here.
Best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC


RSLF wrote 517 days ago

Hello! Comments for prologue:

Its cloak stretched miles far west (this phrasing seems a bit awkward to me, and you use the word "far" again in the second half of this sentence. Maybe delete the first one?)

The mud carting urgogs joined the endless procession of (missing word here?) as they took their loads to their hives.

Anyway, on to my general opinions. I really loved the descriptions of the hives. BUT it did give me a bit of a sense of deja vu, reminding me of the scene in the 2nd LotR movie where we see an Uruk Hai being "born".

Chapter 1, pretty much perfect as it is. Very poignant.

Chapter 2:

she was a good tracker and swordsman (you could use "swordswoman"? Sorry, I just always find it weird see a woman referred to a swordsMAN lol)

Briefly she had even wondered if she was Arlwenar (an explanation here would be nice.)

I understand that that bow has seen you through many dangers (overusing the word "that" is something I'm guilty of, and I think this might be a case where you can get rid of one).

an old advisor was before less favoured than others (erm I find this really confusing. But then that might just be me. You know how daft I can be sometimes...)

I'm going to have to leave it there for now. But enjoying it so far.

Mystery Reader wrote 518 days ago

Bravo!
What a wonderfully designed story that you have here. I like the way you move into your story with ease but a pace that keeps your readers interested.
Everything is quite well done.
It has a special flare to the plot and characters.
I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, but not many.
I do enjoy your underwater city!!! A lot of scope to create right there.

*Reader*

Bria Heart wrote 524 days ago

This is an excellent work of art that you have here.
It is all so special to read and visualize.
The title is drawing in itself.
The pitch pulls you to read the book.
Part of it Reminds me of Gilbert Morris' books the Seven Sleepers. (The second book.)
You use just the right words to paint your word painting in the reader's mind.
I have only read half, but it is wonderfully drawn out.
Super Job.

Bria Heart <3

Shelby Z. wrote 530 days ago

Your book is as perfect as ever.
YOU do a great job writing your stories!!! Everything is so unique, creative, and detailed to a tee!
The characters unfold to great heights that people get more involved in them. They make you be them!
The places you can picture being there yourself.
The pain forces you to be a part of it and feel it.
Basically the reader gets completely involved with the book!
Great job as always!
I love your stories a lot.
Keep up the amazing work.

Shelby Z. /Driving Winds

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 532 days ago

~Alexis: Tears of Blood~

An enjoyable read, perefect for the YA market. It reminds me of a cross between Lord of the Rings and Monkey Island (the bird skull helm reminds me of Murray).

Great descriptions, i.e. 'The gate was a yawning mouth' and 'Cloudy membranes the colour of maggot flesh.'

Highy-rated! Well done!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Dianna Lanser wrote 550 days ago

Elora,

Yes, Revelation and Revolution all came back to me as I started reading Tears of Blood. The opening of Book two sets the beat for what the reader can expect in terms of literary excellence, as well as adventure. An ominous foreboding leads into a too good to be true dream for Alexis. Then as the reader becomes a participant of a long and mysterious voyage, the cadence of the story is strangely comforting and smooth. And if the reader is not impressed with that, they will be impressed with the how the surrounding landscape and the good Lady of Armanthea are so poetically describe. A literary treat - really. I had to stop reading just as the group was about to descend below the surface of the deep… This was a great cliff-hanger to make me come back and read more! Highly starred, Elora. I am so impressed with your writing. It is beautiful.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Shelby Z. wrote 551 days ago

I read just a little more and it keeps getting better.
There were a few misspelled words otherwise so good!
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 558 days ago

Read three more chapters ( I am at chapter 8 now.)
Things are getting more and more thrilling.
I so enjoy the way you get into your writing so much so that the reader is drawn into everything you write.
I hope to read more soon.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 566 days ago

I read up to chapter 5 and I am so enjoying your new idea for your series.
I love the underwater city and your new character Raina.
I can see that this will be a very exciting book again.
Can't wait to read on.
Well done so far.
God bless.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan Maki wrote 627 days ago

Chapter 2

I found it strange that when Alexis mentions a DVD player and a TV that Raina just takes it in stride as if it's the most natural thing in the world, when I would think she'd be a stranger to technology like this.

I was also wondering what Eitan was. Raina apparently hasn't met him,and Alexis doesn't say what he is. A dragon perhaps?

Some things need more clarification like "We'll take the Ruelan." But then you don't tell us what that is.

We now find out that Eitan is a karaki, and his kind were once called Accursed, but what is a karaki? Probably you're assuming that people will have read the first book and know this from that novel, but that isn't always the case, so some description is needed here.

Final thoughts. I was a bit unclear about what exactly Alexis and Resen are going with Raina to accomplish. I assume whatever they're journeying southeast for is the thrust of the book, or part of it, so it needs to be clearer what the peril is, what the problem is, and how and why they intend to help. So far I've found the book just a bit slow-moving. Prologue sets up some peril, dark forces are gathering, but for what? By the end of chapter 2 we still don't know what the danger is or what our heroine is going to do about it. Chapter 1 is a dream sequence with no real action to it. Chapter 2 is a walk in the woods talking. So essentially three chapters in and there hasn't been any dramatic moments of action, clash of dialogue, threat or peril...any of the things that will really suck the reader into the fantasy world you've created. People today, especially kids, are very immediate. They want something gripping, pulse-pounding, entertaining, right from the get-go or they're going to move on. I'm not saying this to be overly critical, I think you've created an interesting world and compelling characters and a rich history and background. I just think you need something more in these early chapters to really hook the reader in.

Still, I've enjoyed what I've read, and will give it high stars and backing asap. :)

All the best,

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Nathan Maki wrote 628 days ago

I just realized that chapter 1 was a prologue, so this comment is for Chapter 1, but number 2 on the site.

I thought the prolonged dream sequence that makes up Chapter 1 was good as a way of showing Alexis' happy background, but as a first chapter I wasn't sure if that's really enough to accomplish. I think it has a place, but perhaps not so early on? That's just my thought. I'm still interested though, so I'll read on to chapter 2.

Nathan Maki wrote 628 days ago

Hi Elora,

Here I am to read some of your book as promised. I like to write down comments as I come to them, and try to be constructive in any critiques. Keep in mind I'm only one reader, and my input isn't infallible. :) I've found that as authors we often miss stuff in our own work that others can pull out. That makes us all better writers in the end. So here I go, diving in reading. :)

Ramps doubled back "eratically" not erotically.

"herded into a drawn cart like cattle and (pulled) away"? "towed" away. Led away makes it sound like they're walking, being led.

"was all (too) recognizable"

Somehow the words "How is it going" seem too casual to be spoken by a dark lord, especially his first words. I'd expect something that could be said with a bit more menace.

The sentence "But age was of no concern when the thought..." doesn't read right.

I found the last sentence problematic as well. "From within" makes it sound like the overseer could see Lord Graebinn. You could just says "Within his mask" or "Behind his mask". I also thought that "grinned" makes him sound too friendly. I'd expect smiled wolfishly or something of the sort for someone who's supposed to be evil. And how does he say "Excellent"? Menacingly? Expectantly?

I thought the reference to the weak being eaten was suitably chilling, and you definitely give the reader the impression that something foul is afoot. You've created an excellent word picture of the evil fortress.

One thing I think would make the first chapter better would be if you could insert a bit more of a hook for the reader. He's raising an army but maybe give us a hint of what for? Also, is there a way to develop Lord Graebinn's character a bit more from the beginning here? He's obviously going to be a main character, so show us a bit more of his character and motivation in his interaction with the overseer and other creatures.

Overall I like your writing style and this reminds me, in a good way, of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I'm interested and reading on. I'll comment more on chapter 2.

Nathan

Cariad wrote 633 days ago

Hi. Came across your book by chance and have some comments you can take or leave, I offer them only as one reader. I liked the story and the feel of it - menacing, and a well constructed world. I did pick up some things that stopped me in my read, that you can ignore if you wish of course -

repetition of black at the start, close together - 'black, sharp, with a black sheen.......' (a dark sheen or something instead? as you also hae another dark shortly after with 'black eyes.'

a 'solution' (what of?) mixed with the blood of victims - of what? war? or sacrifice?

I didn't get that muddy, slimy ramps could be 'erotic' in any way.

You have two carts close together - 'carts of mud were carted...' heaved? dragged? hauled? instead?

You then bring on this wonderful, dark, menacing character in a bird skull helm - obviously respected and feared by all who see him - and he says 'how's it going?' - this sounds quite chummy and modern - bit like someone's dad - I thought you could maybe have made him seem a little less cosy?

I hope you don't think I'm being critical - I am enjoying the story and the unusual set up and world you have created - they are just suggestions of things that stopped my read a little. I shall be reading on though - it's got some great qualities and a good hook. Good ending to chapter one, too.
Cariad.

AdamMosely77 wrote 637 days ago

Awesome! Your good.

Nigel Fields wrote 756 days ago

Alexis: Tears of Blood flows along well. Nice description throughout the four chapters that I've read so far. I liked in the opening: The windows were like empty black eyes . . . the gate, a yawning mouth. Very appropriate, creating the atmosphere I believe you intend. I got momentarily stuck on the overseer's reply, "Well, my Lord Graebim." Only because my 'ear' first thought it was meant as the word-whisker "Well" as opposed to the answer "Well." I tend to be retentive, and thus, for me (I'm sure I'm in the minority), "Very well, my Lord Graebim." works smoother, no abiguity. Chapter two worked for clarification. Great MC. Other characters are well drawn. Good conflict, giving this momentum. Five stars for now.
Best,
John B Campbell

Su Dan wrote 845 days ago

very little wrong with; if anything. you have a great fluid style that moves the story along, and in great style...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

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