Book Jacket

 

rank 783
word count 124258
date submitted 23.02.2011
date updated 30.01.2013
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

Alexis: Tears of Blood

Elora Carmen Shore

Many terrors have already been faced...but Alexis will find that her heart has not yet known the deepest pain.

 

With the battle of Ethen'dor won, Alexis and Resen have found the next path that they must take. Corruption and uncertainty have claimed kingdoms to the south, and the kingdoms to the east suffer. But the enemy has something to unleash that no one would have seen, something that will strike at the heart of the cause, into the Chosen herself.
New figures will arise, new swords unsheathed, and veils will be dropped....

The Chosen is going to know the meaning of heartache and darkness, and the whole land of Aunniguld is going to be aflood with bloodshed once again.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

battles, bloodshed, darkness, death, grief, heartache, war

on 9 watchlists

29 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

47

report abuse

Chapter 46 The Mirror

Alexis waited to move on when the storm had passed the next day, leaving fresher air to breathe. The mare moved out alertly. The rest and clean air had done her good.

Alexis prodded her up the path, which she readily followed. Raindrops dripped from the cold stones. The sight of the rain looked strange on the terrain, like something natural and vital put on something cold and dead.

It was impossible to tell the time, for the clouds cut out the sun. Hour after hour went by looking very much the same—gray and cold. Their way cut through the mountainside, sometimes submerging them in a semi-darkness. But it was several hours before Alexis noticed the paths were getting deeper and darker, descending into the mountains. Under this shadow, it felt as if dusk was swiftly falling...and then the moment just before night falls.

They were passing from the last light into a dark cavern. The moment the mare's hoof touched the shadow, she halted and backed up. Alexis gently prodded her, she was not going to flinch—she just backed up more.

Alexis dismounted and cautiously went on alone, wrapping her cloak tighter around her. The temperature was dropping with each step. The shadow swallowed her up, and the mare neighed uneasily behind.

Alexis moved forward, but felt her sweat break out even in the damp of the cave. She felt as alert and vulnerable as prey for the predator as she watched every shadow, and every step she took. Her hand gripped Wolvring's hilt, ready to draw it at the slightest need. But the tunnels just kept going down and deeper...and colder and darker.

Alexis wondered if she should have tried to find something for a torch. She felt like her insides were turning to jelly. Here she felt like she didn't know what she feared, only that she feared it. She felt its presence like a shroud that was hanging over her head. She drew out Wolvring, pointing it slightly ahead of her as she took tentative steps. Then she felt the tunnel slightly ascending.

Alexis didn't know how long she had been walking, but up ahead she saw the slightest glimmer of light. She stared in surprise as she entered a dimly lit cave strewn here and there with dark vines. Rough pillars of natural rock held up the rugged ceiling. But way in the back the source of light shone—a pool reflecting light, fed by a small waterfall steaming down the cave wall. Alexis shivered. Something about the place made her feel cold to the bone, but it held her in awe. Like something touched by the mystic.

She stood there for a moment unsure and rather fearful. She felt fear of the pool, and the voice was back in her head with full force, telling her to run away. She almost agreed. She even felt herself turning. Then as she was about to walk back, she stopped and hesitated. She hadn't traveled over a hundred miles just to turn back. She looked back the pool.

Find the Mirror...it is possible that you might find freedom there....

Alexis took a breath and walked forward. She slowed as she came to the pool, and slowly peered over. It was clear—clearer and cleaner than she had ever seen water to be. A dim light from a kink overhead beamed into the pool, but the pool seemed to generate the light back, shimmering with a white mist curling over the surface. A ring of stones encircled it, and carved on them were beautifully carven words.

All of it seemed older than anything Alexis had yet seen in Aunninguld...she wondered if it was even natural. But carved on the stones, as Alexis was astonished to be able decipher them, said, “Offer your hand, and drink, that you may understand, and see was truly lies within.”

Alexis knelt at the edge and laid Wolvring on the floor beside her. Offer your hand.... Alexis took off her glove and put her hand in the water. It was so cool, flowing gently over it. She cupped her hand and drew up to drink, and even as she did she saw the waterfall and the surface of the pool began to faintly glisten.

Alexis sucked the cool water into her mouth and paused for a second, letting the coolness blissfully soothe the dryness, just as the image on the waterfall started to become clearer. Then Alexis's eyes widened and the water exploded out of her mouth as she retched in disgust.

It had turned to blood.

The red liquid stained the stones by her hands, and Alexis stared at it in horror and disbelief. The voice was an urgent calling that faded into the back of her head, but there was nothing that could take her attention away from the pool now.

In the waterfall an image had formed. It looked true as life, and vibrant. It was herself. Herself as she set out from Emyris on Zillon, full of purpose. The day she and Resen had set out together. Their flight from the Bleddyns. Carlynda...the death of Draeke. Her struggle in the mines, the finding of Eitan. Her fighting at Ethen'dor with every ounce of strength that she had had.

One by one it all was coming back. Scenes passed of her journey to bring peace to other kingdoms. And then...her, broken with grief. Even now the tears came back as Alexis watched. Her own sobs had choked her, the grief leaving her too weak to keep walking. And in the night, in her hour of heartbreak, the monsters had come.

Alexis had all but completely forgotten them...she had no idea what they were. But she saw herself as she tore them apart...even now she looked on in disbelief and horror. Was that really her? Her eyes were dark with hate and vengeance, even though she did not know what she fought against. And she had left them in pieces. The Mirror showed her releasing a scream that sounded demonic, and a shadow fell on her. She gasped. The color had seeped out of her skin, and the color around her eyes had darkened.

Alexis began to tremble violently.

The Mirror flashed scenes of a sickened girl slaying ruthlessly, reaping like a machine. Alexis tried to draw back, but she felt held in place. She started to cry. How could that have been her? All the bodies and blood...they had been done by her own hand.

But even as she closed her eyes Alexis knew it to be true. She remembered it all. Band after band of ravogs had fallen to her hatred. Her hate had fueled her, turned her into something she hadn't been. She wasn't the same girl that had set out from Emyris. Then her heart quickened as a familiar face came onto the Mirror, and she heard Resen's voice.

You're changing, Alexis. I can see it. Somehow who you were is fading.... Alexis, there is no worse death than that.”

Tears came into Alexis's eyes. She remembered now. Softly she began to weep, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She could almost hear Resen whispering in her ear, “I still believe in you.” 

The crying made her chest hurt. She felt such acute shame at what she had done. She didn't want this. This wasn't who she was.

Alexis lifted her head. She heard the noises just as she felt their presence, no longer inside her, but surrounding her.

Alexis paused in silence for a moment, then gripped Wolvring and leapt to her feet, swinging in a deadly arc. Screaming wails blasted from every corner of that chamber as the vipers that had leapt at Alexis were slashed in two, and fell to her feet. Looking up, Alexis saw the Bleddyns emerge, and everything in her soul began to burn with anger. They had dogged her since the beginning, haunting her, tormenting her very being. Had caused so much pain for those she loved, and herself.

Not to be undone, the Bleddyns madly surged forward, teeth agape and eyes blazing with rage.

Alexis could now see the source of the voice. Now her spirit was repulsed by them, and the thought that she had let them in her head for so long. The grotesque creatures looked at her with eyes of hatred and wrath, and Alexis could see misshapen vipers slowly twining down vines from the ceiling as others and the creatures stole out of the shadows. The were closing in, and Alexis dove forward before they'd make their move.

Serpents leapt at her and she twisted, swinging Wolvring in an alternating arc on both sides, cutting down two, and hearing the slightest sound behind she whirled around, bringing up Wolvring in a swinging arc just a viper came within reach, and the blade ripped through its length.

A creature screamed an unearthly call, its mouth pulled open at an unnatural width. They all had black eyes that weirdly reflected what light there was.

But as Alexis finished her twirl and the thing screamed at her, raising a weirdly-shaped weapon, she drove Wolvring upward, ripping upwards into his midsection, and she caught his wielding arm with her free hand. Its face registered shock, its mouth open without making a sound.

There were roars behind her, and Alexis saw swords rising above her head. She whirled around swinging Wolvring, and leapt through the air as the swords were knocked aside. One swung backwards at her as she landed by him, and screamed ferally, throwing its arms wide in a crouch.

Alexis knocked his attack upwards and reached over her shoulder to block the attack of one almost behind her. She kicked the other back with all her strength. To her surprise she didn't feel the crunch of bones, or hear it. In fact, it didn't feel like he had any. It all felt like—flesh.

She gave a savage slash at the demon behind her and then whirled back to sink Wolvring into the one recovering from her kick. He went up to the hilt and Alexis yanked out Wolvring again.

She saw one running at her, and she lunged at him with all her strength. She propelled forward, and she flipped Wolvring through the air to cut down a viper as it dove at her. Wolvring came back down just in time for Alexis to sink him into the demon's chest.

Alexis spun around to face the others, slashing and battering with Wolvring. The rasps of the blades grated on her ears, mingling with the screams of the demons. Their sightless black eyes gleamed darkly and their teeth were bared in challenge, but she battled with Wolvring fearlessly. And the Bleddyns' blades fell as Alexis put them down into silence.

There was a rushing without wind, and the feeling of presence departed from the chamber. Alexis paused, surprised at the sudden silence. It was like the voice of battle was suddenly muted, and all you hear is...nothing. The forms lay dead on the cold stone, their fingers curled in as their blood continued to seep out. Blood dripped from Wolvring's tip as Alexis continued to stare at the demons' dead bodies. All all seemed so unreal, yet incredibly real at the same time. The Bleddyns were gone.

Alexis hurriedly walked back to the pool. She dumped out the chalky water in her water horn and filled it from the pool, then washed the blood and sweat off herself. When she was done she felt cleaner than she had in a long time. She cleaned Wolvring in the water, and left.

 

 

___________________ 

 

 

Alexis stumbled out of the cave, and leaned against the wall. She took a few more steps, then sagged, and slid down to the ground.

Looking up into the sky, she could discern the individual constellations. The Anglaran, with it sharp thrown out arms; the Ring, with is dense circle of scattered stars; the Oldor, which its branching labyrinth of groping fingers. The Five Eyes with their glinting white stars surrounded by studs of color. And so many more besides.... Sweeping curtains and lone stars shining bravely through the dark.

Alexis breathed in and out, grateful for the fresh air rushing into her lungs. It felt good and pure, a sensation that she found comforting.

The mare was nowhere in sight. Alexis didn't blame her. The presence of the Bleddyns was enough to scare anyone away—far away. Alexis sagged closer to the ground and took in a deep breath, resting back her head.

She pushed her hair out of her face, and when she took her hand away she saw that three strands of black hair had come off. She shook her hand and they fell off. She looked where they fell, and then at herself. She was so worn out and raggedy. Her once handsome jerkin clothes were now battered and faded, torn and rough.

For a few minutes she sat there getting her bearings. There was no doubt in her mind that it had been the Bleddyns that had been trying to guide her. And she had let them whisper in her ear for so long.... Yet the voice didn't seem theirs at the same time...they just came with it. Like they were a defensive barrier to any opposition.

They were a feed to the darker side. All people had that potential...everyone had that choice.

Alexis trembled at the thought of how far she would have gone had she not chosen to listen to the one voice that had given her hope. She wondered who he was. Perhaps an anglair. Whoever she was, she owed him her life. For she would have slowly lost everything she valued had she not chosen to follow his little thread of promise.

Just then Alexis felt a pain wrench her gut. She gasped, curling up into a ball as she clutched at her stomach. She carefully felt herself as her body seethed, but there were no wounds. Her head lolled back, and it was only then she realized something. She had drank the water from an Endor spring.

There was a great possibility that the waters were still poisonous. Then she thought of the water of the Mirror, and she undid the cap of her horn. She took a big gulp, and she felt the pain slowly subside. Maybe she could keep going as long as she had the water to counteract the poisoning. But how long?

Alexis pushed the thought out of her head. That wasn't the question at the moment. She had what she had, what remained before her was unchanged. She just could keep moving forward.

When Alexis felt she had the strength to walk on, she stood up and followed the path that she had taken.

When she had walked about twenty yards from last night's shelter and turned around the ridge, she saw the mare just a few yards away. She heaved a sigh of relief and beckoned to it. It looked at her alertly, rolling it eyes a bit.

Come on,” Alexis beckoned gently.

The mare immediately perked up and trotted to her, perhaps hearing a change in Alexis's voice that it found comforting.

Alexis gently got on her back and leaned forward, suddenly feeling very weary. The mare confidently and willingly went they way they had come through the mountains, never stopping once until they were several miles from the Mirror's mouth.

It paused to eat some scant grass it found growing form some clefts of rock, and Alexis dismounted and rested on the ground. A short time later when the horse was finished grazing, she snorted and the sound awoke Alexis.

Thank you, girl,” Alexis said, stirring. She got up and mounted her again.

They went on for awhile, and later when they came to the rise of a mountain Alexis looked off into the distance. What now? She looked to the northwest. Then she thought of her last promise to Resen, and Raena and Ash. She thought about the people and the plague that had left Endor empty.

She had something to finish. She'd find Fauzazge. They had an issue to settle...one way or another.

Chapters

47

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Bug289 wrote 380 days ago

Elora,

Justa quick stop in to check out book 2. From my initial read of the prologue one thing jumped out at me that might or might not be useful.
You paint a very clear picture of the scene, I was drawn into the bleakness of the place but what I found myself asking was why?

Why is this place filthy, why is it bleak, has it always been like that? Was it once a beautiful city, destroyed in a war or have they always been a slovenly people?

Perhaps you cover it through the previous book (which I did not get back to) but, if you do it might be worth a quick summary here to recap for the reader or for those crazies that start in the middle of a series. :)

Just a thought that occurred.

Very good description though (apart from the repeats others have mentioned) and good suspense. I will try to get to more of it this time :)

Danielle

Shelby Z. wrote 403 days ago

Exciting isn't a strong enough word for this book.
It moves to amazing heights of creativity.
I wish I had it in my hands to savor over and keep on a bookshelf in my bedroom.
Fantastic read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

;D

fayha wrote 409 days ago

A very intersting read I love the way your writing flows and the names and places are very imaginative.
"maggots encased in amorphous jells." Wonderful stuff. I have read 2 chapters so far. On my watchlist.

Geddy25 wrote 410 days ago

I just read the first few chapters and love some of the language you have used in your descriptions. "Autumn had cast it's spell....." was one of my favourite sentences.
You have created a wonderful world in your writing full of adventure and imagination and this is the kind of story I like to read.
I loved some of the names of places and characters and some of them even made me think they were familiar. I did however struggle at times to keep up with all of the names. I'm a bit thick and I found trying to remember what was what a bit difficult at times.
However, a great start to a book! High stars, well done!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

tojo wrote 443 days ago

I read up to chapter 12 then time pulled me away, a very good fantasy read, plenty of action and weird animals, lots of imagination and good story line, my sort of book, I like it. 5*****

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

jlbwye wrote 443 days ago

Alexis - Tears of Blood. I find your pitches a bit vague. What sort of terrors, and who are the Chosen? Perhaps a bit of back-story here would not go amiss?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prologue. Atmospheric words, and great choice of names, which run around the tongue. Is it something akin to a beehive that we're seeing, I wonder?
You have two 'metallic's inclose proximity.

Auth.2. I think you mean 'before they gobble it all - '
There are some superfluous words which are best avoided: began to, still.
Who or what is Alexis, I wonder?

Auth.3. Where are we now? I am a bit bewildered by those sudden switches.
Perhaps it's because I havent read the first book, that I feel this way.

But your prose is rich, and the dialogue natural.
The short chapters, too, are good for readers on this site.

The best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

femmefranglaise wrote 445 days ago

Hi Elora, sorry it has taken me so long to return your read. Firstly, I'm in awe of anyone who has managed to write 55 chapters! SciFi/Fantasy is not something I've read much of for a long time so it was refreshing to find such a well thought out and well written MS. You have a fantastic imagination and really good powers of description. The world of the Urgogs was gruesomely wonderful. I loved the juxtaposition between the first and second chapters with their totally different styles of writing and it shows your ability as a writer that you can swap so easily between the two. I'm really very impressed with this Elora. Highly starred and will be shelved very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Andrew Hughes wrote 446 days ago

Hi Elora,

I read the prologue and first two chapters.

You have an excellent visual style of writing, rendering scenes and characters with great details. The gruesome goings on in Ordonnath are described with relish. Details like the urgogs tearing out of their cells, or the way you describe the overseer’s eyes bring the reader right into the story.

A small thing, I noticed you sometimes repeat words close together, like ‘far’ in the second line, ‘mud and slime’ in the middle paragraphs and ‘voice’ when we meet Graebinn. They just chimed a bit.

Alexis’s dream in Ch 1 has a lovely cosy feeling of home. I’m not sure you have to tip the reader off that it’s not real. Then the last paragraph, which is very well written, would be a surprise, and pack more punch.

It was very interesting to see Alexis and Raena discuss the natures of their own worlds, and form a closer bond. It’s a bit of a personal taste of mine but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile through conversations – that probably says more about me!

I love reading a fantasy that has a fully realised world, and you hint at that by describing the constellations. I think you could describe Eitan’s size more as he’s swooping in, it was a surprise that Alexis could only hug his leg (though I suppose readers of the first book will know about him already).

I hope to read more soon. It strikes me that there could be a few moments of peril early on – small scale stuff, being attacked by a wild animal perhaps – just to see Raena, Alexis and Resen have to work together. It would give us an idea of their various skill-sets.

It’s a very good beginning. Highly starred.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Davidmauriceware wrote 454 days ago

Iv'e never been into stories where a person makes up fictional places and creatures, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Your story is well written and your imagination is a unique one. It is actually an enjoyable read. I'm sure many people will enjoy this one here.

Adeel wrote 457 days ago

A more promising book on my favourite topic. A great work more focused and blended with clarity of expression and thoughts. 6 stars with on my watch list and on my book shelf as well.

Shelby Z. wrote 464 days ago

This is a MUST READ BOOK, EVERYONE!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

D. S. Hale wrote 478 days ago

I like the name "urgog" and what fate awaited them at birth! Kinda like the honey bee. I'd almost like to follow the story of an urgog, you piqued my curiousity of them already!

You write well and describe the scenes so that I can imagine them in my head. It's a great story with a very good beginning. I didn't see anything that needed changing, or any errors.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A G Chaudhuri wrote 490 days ago


HAUNTINGLY DESCRIPTIVE PROSE.
YOU PAINT PICTURES WITH YOUR WORDS.

Dear Elora,

You passion for the genre is quite evident from the opening chapter that promises to deliver a masterfully crafted tribute to classic high fantasy.

And then, the next chapters tell a different story ! :-O

Wherever you’re heading with this, it’s not very difficult to imagine a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My ratings: 6 stars (with pleasure!)

Although, I’ve never read this particular genre, I have seen a few films. Please allow me to share a few suggestions / observations.
But remember, they should be taken on board only if they’re relevant. :-)

Here are a few points that stood out.

Ch 1

‘… and the architecture matched the mood’ – you may try removing this phrase as it sounds a bit casual and detracts from the overall brooding description.

‘… descending into the depths of Zlothrael’ – I think this should be Ordonnath, as that’s the name of the castle, while Zlothrael is what they call the land.

‘fitting rooms’ – not good, ‘evaluation chambers’ maybe?

Ch 2

This one had me confused.
There was a stark departure from the feel of the preceding chapter. In spite of being told that this wasn’t real, I found it rather difficult to accept the two radically different settings. But I moved on because I had to find out where this was headed.

Ch 3

‘Raena’ spelled differently in the chapter title.

Okay, so now, we’re back to where we started.
But what really happened in Ch 2?

The writing leaves little to be desired as you’ve skilfully developed plot and created a whole new mythology.
The end of the chapter answers my nagging question.
And that brings me to,

The pitch.

This needs a revision. Big time.
It’s not very clear and does very little justice to the real charm of the story.
But, you already know what I mean, don’t you ? ;-)

You’ve got something fantastic going on here.
Best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC


RSLF wrote 491 days ago

Hello! Comments for prologue:

Its cloak stretched miles far west (this phrasing seems a bit awkward to me, and you use the word "far" again in the second half of this sentence. Maybe delete the first one?)

The mud carting urgogs joined the endless procession of (missing word here?) as they took their loads to their hives.

Anyway, on to my general opinions. I really loved the descriptions of the hives. BUT it did give me a bit of a sense of deja vu, reminding me of the scene in the 2nd LotR movie where we see an Uruk Hai being "born".

Chapter 1, pretty much perfect as it is. Very poignant.

Chapter 2:

she was a good tracker and swordsman (you could use "swordswoman"? Sorry, I just always find it weird see a woman referred to a swordsMAN lol)

Briefly she had even wondered if she was Arlwenar (an explanation here would be nice.)

I understand that that bow has seen you through many dangers (overusing the word "that" is something I'm guilty of, and I think this might be a case where you can get rid of one).

an old advisor was before less favoured than others (erm I find this really confusing. But then that might just be me. You know how daft I can be sometimes...)

I'm going to have to leave it there for now. But enjoying it so far.

Mystery Reader wrote 492 days ago

Bravo!
What a wonderfully designed story that you have here. I like the way you move into your story with ease but a pace that keeps your readers interested.
Everything is quite well done.
It has a special flare to the plot and characters.
I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, but not many.
I do enjoy your underwater city!!! A lot of scope to create right there.

*Reader*

Bria Heart wrote 498 days ago

This is an excellent work of art that you have here.
It is all so special to read and visualize.
The title is drawing in itself.
The pitch pulls you to read the book.
Part of it Reminds me of Gilbert Morris' books the Seven Sleepers. (The second book.)
You use just the right words to paint your word painting in the reader's mind.
I have only read half, but it is wonderfully drawn out.
Super Job.

Bria Heart <3

Shelby Z. wrote 504 days ago

Your book is as perfect as ever.
YOU do a great job writing your stories!!! Everything is so unique, creative, and detailed to a tee!
The characters unfold to great heights that people get more involved in them. They make you be them!
The places you can picture being there yourself.
The pain forces you to be a part of it and feel it.
Basically the reader gets completely involved with the book!
Great job as always!
I love your stories a lot.
Keep up the amazing work.

Shelby Z. /Driving Winds

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 506 days ago

~Alexis: Tears of Blood~

An enjoyable read, perefect for the YA market. It reminds me of a cross between Lord of the Rings and Monkey Island (the bird skull helm reminds me of Murray).

Great descriptions, i.e. 'The gate was a yawning mouth' and 'Cloudy membranes the colour of maggot flesh.'

Highy-rated! Well done!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Dianna Lanser wrote 524 days ago

Elora,

Yes, Revelation and Revolution all came back to me as I started reading Tears of Blood. The opening of Book two sets the beat for what the reader can expect in terms of literary excellence, as well as adventure. An ominous foreboding leads into a too good to be true dream for Alexis. Then as the reader becomes a participant of a long and mysterious voyage, the cadence of the story is strangely comforting and smooth. And if the reader is not impressed with that, they will be impressed with the how the surrounding landscape and the good Lady of Armanthea are so poetically describe. A literary treat - really. I had to stop reading just as the group was about to descend below the surface of the deep… This was a great cliff-hanger to make me come back and read more! Highly starred, Elora. I am so impressed with your writing. It is beautiful.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Shelby Z. wrote 525 days ago

I read just a little more and it keeps getting better.
There were a few misspelled words otherwise so good!
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 532 days ago

Read three more chapters ( I am at chapter 8 now.)
Things are getting more and more thrilling.
I so enjoy the way you get into your writing so much so that the reader is drawn into everything you write.
I hope to read more soon.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 540 days ago

I read up to chapter 5 and I am so enjoying your new idea for your series.
I love the underwater city and your new character Raina.
I can see that this will be a very exciting book again.
Can't wait to read on.
Well done so far.
God bless.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan Maki wrote 601 days ago

Chapter 2

I found it strange that when Alexis mentions a DVD player and a TV that Raina just takes it in stride as if it's the most natural thing in the world, when I would think she'd be a stranger to technology like this.

I was also wondering what Eitan was. Raina apparently hasn't met him,and Alexis doesn't say what he is. A dragon perhaps?

Some things need more clarification like "We'll take the Ruelan." But then you don't tell us what that is.

We now find out that Eitan is a karaki, and his kind were once called Accursed, but what is a karaki? Probably you're assuming that people will have read the first book and know this from that novel, but that isn't always the case, so some description is needed here.

Final thoughts. I was a bit unclear about what exactly Alexis and Resen are going with Raina to accomplish. I assume whatever they're journeying southeast for is the thrust of the book, or part of it, so it needs to be clearer what the peril is, what the problem is, and how and why they intend to help. So far I've found the book just a bit slow-moving. Prologue sets up some peril, dark forces are gathering, but for what? By the end of chapter 2 we still don't know what the danger is or what our heroine is going to do about it. Chapter 1 is a dream sequence with no real action to it. Chapter 2 is a walk in the woods talking. So essentially three chapters in and there hasn't been any dramatic moments of action, clash of dialogue, threat or peril...any of the things that will really suck the reader into the fantasy world you've created. People today, especially kids, are very immediate. They want something gripping, pulse-pounding, entertaining, right from the get-go or they're going to move on. I'm not saying this to be overly critical, I think you've created an interesting world and compelling characters and a rich history and background. I just think you need something more in these early chapters to really hook the reader in.

Still, I've enjoyed what I've read, and will give it high stars and backing asap. :)

All the best,

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Nathan Maki wrote 602 days ago

I just realized that chapter 1 was a prologue, so this comment is for Chapter 1, but number 2 on the site.

I thought the prolonged dream sequence that makes up Chapter 1 was good as a way of showing Alexis' happy background, but as a first chapter I wasn't sure if that's really enough to accomplish. I think it has a place, but perhaps not so early on? That's just my thought. I'm still interested though, so I'll read on to chapter 2.

Nathan Maki wrote 602 days ago

Hi Elora,

Here I am to read some of your book as promised. I like to write down comments as I come to them, and try to be constructive in any critiques. Keep in mind I'm only one reader, and my input isn't infallible. :) I've found that as authors we often miss stuff in our own work that others can pull out. That makes us all better writers in the end. So here I go, diving in reading. :)

Ramps doubled back "eratically" not erotically.

"herded into a drawn cart like cattle and (pulled) away"? "towed" away. Led away makes it sound like they're walking, being led.

"was all (too) recognizable"

Somehow the words "How is it going" seem too casual to be spoken by a dark lord, especially his first words. I'd expect something that could be said with a bit more menace.

The sentence "But age was of no concern when the thought..." doesn't read right.

I found the last sentence problematic as well. "From within" makes it sound like the overseer could see Lord Graebinn. You could just says "Within his mask" or "Behind his mask". I also thought that "grinned" makes him sound too friendly. I'd expect smiled wolfishly or something of the sort for someone who's supposed to be evil. And how does he say "Excellent"? Menacingly? Expectantly?

I thought the reference to the weak being eaten was suitably chilling, and you definitely give the reader the impression that something foul is afoot. You've created an excellent word picture of the evil fortress.

One thing I think would make the first chapter better would be if you could insert a bit more of a hook for the reader. He's raising an army but maybe give us a hint of what for? Also, is there a way to develop Lord Graebinn's character a bit more from the beginning here? He's obviously going to be a main character, so show us a bit more of his character and motivation in his interaction with the overseer and other creatures.

Overall I like your writing style and this reminds me, in a good way, of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I'm interested and reading on. I'll comment more on chapter 2.

Nathan

Cariad wrote 608 days ago

Hi. Came across your book by chance and have some comments you can take or leave, I offer them only as one reader. I liked the story and the feel of it - menacing, and a well constructed world. I did pick up some things that stopped me in my read, that you can ignore if you wish of course -

repetition of black at the start, close together - 'black, sharp, with a black sheen.......' (a dark sheen or something instead? as you also hae another dark shortly after with 'black eyes.'

a 'solution' (what of?) mixed with the blood of victims - of what? war? or sacrifice?

I didn't get that muddy, slimy ramps could be 'erotic' in any way.

You have two carts close together - 'carts of mud were carted...' heaved? dragged? hauled? instead?

You then bring on this wonderful, dark, menacing character in a bird skull helm - obviously respected and feared by all who see him - and he says 'how's it going?' - this sounds quite chummy and modern - bit like someone's dad - I thought you could maybe have made him seem a little less cosy?

I hope you don't think I'm being critical - I am enjoying the story and the unusual set up and world you have created - they are just suggestions of things that stopped my read a little. I shall be reading on though - it's got some great qualities and a good hook. Good ending to chapter one, too.
Cariad.

AdamMosely77 wrote 611 days ago

Awesome! Your good.

Nigel Fields wrote 730 days ago

Alexis: Tears of Blood flows along well. Nice description throughout the four chapters that I've read so far. I liked in the opening: The windows were like empty black eyes . . . the gate, a yawning mouth. Very appropriate, creating the atmosphere I believe you intend. I got momentarily stuck on the overseer's reply, "Well, my Lord Graebim." Only because my 'ear' first thought it was meant as the word-whisker "Well" as opposed to the answer "Well." I tend to be retentive, and thus, for me (I'm sure I'm in the minority), "Very well, my Lord Graebim." works smoother, no abiguity. Chapter two worked for clarification. Great MC. Other characters are well drawn. Good conflict, giving this momentum. Five stars for now.
Best,
John B Campbell

Su Dan wrote 819 days ago

very little wrong with; if anything. you have a great fluid style that moves the story along, and in great style...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

1