The Thirteenth Child

Elisa,
Watching Tredicino's development from premature infant to a heroic figure ready to take on all comers, was a treat, indeed. Your fluid prose carried your narrative style of writing very well. With dialogue absent, I focused on the pictures you created with carefully crafted words that told me all I needed to know. Thank you so much for the entertaining read. I look forward to the rest of your book.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

LOVED what I have read so far, can't wait to read more.

Luciana

Burning Angel

The Thirteenth Child by Elisa Gianoncelli:

What a magical book! You are a master story-teller. The pace was almost roller-coaster in style and I was propelled swiftly through a range of images that have not left me since I started reading. As an avid reader, I am still a ‘big kid’ at heart and I was drawn in right from the start. Rejuvenated and regenerated is how I feel after reading several chapters. I love the sacrifice of the fairy in the opening scene and Tredicino’s tender feelings of concern. 13 is a thoughtful age—an age of coming into being. I remember it well just as my son embarks on it now. Crystal balls, the Ancient Thirteenth Society and a chosen grandma (who was actually on the Titanic!) made me shiver with anticipation and the number 13 is significant. But the porcine and somewhat selfish parents’ indifference over their baby was almost too much to stomach and we care deeply for this child. Pizza’s, pies and Uncle Luigi’s Italian Café are delicious word pictures. I can almost smell an array of flavors. Highly starred, I enjoyed it immensely. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hello Elisa--the thirteenth child--

looked at your wonderful and delectable book again; after reading some of it; 163 days ago.

I said then it was a very relaxed type of read; so creative with a touch of innocence.
one line caught my eye' beautiful green fields, like the Irish ones he had left behind'

It will make a very enchanting read for the young teenager out there, who like fantasy, because
this is fantasy at it's very best.

six stars this time, with pleasure.

tom bye.
from hugs to kisses'

I have read chapter one and I really enjoyed your story. Really creative and descriptive scenes, the way you write about the birth of Tredicino and the reaction of his parents is beautifully written. " they couldn't even remember their names anyway and only responded to their own rumbling stomachs"
I have it on my wathclist and will read more. I would also love to see this with illustrations.

I came across your book on a friend's shelf and thought I'd read your short pitch, but ended up reading your first chapter. It's charming! No wonder your students love it. I like the way you've chosen to narrate it. I also like the world you paint and the depth of your characters. There's mystery and fairies and this is only the first chapter! I also am a huge fan of the number 13. This past Friday was the thirteenth :) Anyways, highly starred and I'll be back for more asap. Only have one question:

"Jessica went on to have four more pregnancies which were two sets of triplets and another set of twins. One pregnancy a year! Ferdinando was the single exception. Now she had another one on the way but one she had not planed or wanted."

Before this, the first set of twins is mentioned. then two sets of triplets and another set of twins, so that's 2+3+3+2=10, then Ferdinando, the single exception makes 11. None of the other children are named until now, so that threw me off and made me think this was the protagonist until I read further. Where does missing child number 12 come in? Am I adding wrong or missing something? :)

That's all. I was just wondering. I can't wait to read more! I'd be honored if your students would read my first chapter, The Magic Telescope and tell me what they think. Children's opinions are priceless! If you've the time, I'd also love to know what advice you have. Thanks for the awesome read! I look forward to hearing from you :D

God Bless,
Trista

Elisa,

I was immediately entranced by the lovely story that you weave. I can imagine ten-year-olds sitting transfixed as it is read aloud. It does very much have the feel of a story to be read aloud.

I really liked poor Tredicino and would love to read more about him.

My bookshelf is full as I have just updated it but will put this lovely story on my watchlist to read more as you put more up.

My only small criticism, and it could be the way it uploaded, is the paragraphing and openings.

A lovely story. Good luck.
Tracey

After reading some of the "The Thirteenth Child," Elisa, I decided to pause and respond to your request for comments. As a book for children, I like your easy, straightforward style, the vivid descriptions of the characters, and the developing theme of a star-favored birth. I see two promising groups of readers: parents who will select your book to read to their child, and the older children who will read it themselves. Both will enjoy the charming fantasy and eagerly await the appearance of Tredicino, exotic to English readers and slated for an exciting future.

At this point I have one important suggestion. Please break up your long paragraphs, as children will find them daunting. Keep looking for opportunities to introduce tension, as when Grandma's train car became detached and in danger of being struck by an oncoming locomotive. The choppy Channel crossing could be described in more detail, shown rather than told. You have a talent for writing in this popular genre.

Bill Carrigan
("The Doctor of Summitville")

Hello Elisa--the thirteenth child--

looked at your wonderful and delectable book again; after reading some of it; 163 days ago.

I said then it was a very relaxed type of read; so creative with a touch of innocence.
one line caught my eye' beautiful green fields, like the Irish ones he had left behind'

It will make a very enchanting read for the young teenager out there, who like fantasy, because
this is fantasy at it's very best.

six stars this time, with pleasure.

tom bye.
from hugs to kisses'

You've got an impressive imagination and ability to bring it to life on the page. I love the elements of 13 that you've woven into your story and it only makes me want to read on more. I love the fantasy element to it, you bring those things to life without making them feel fantastic, if that makes sense. I think kids and young adults will love this, it's an escape into a magical world. The writing is good as well, nicely paced and a great tone.

I'm starring this for now and I'll shelve it when I can. Good luck on it!
Missy

The Thirteenth Child.
By Elisa Gianoncelli.


Love your book, Elisa.
I have re-read it over as you have made many alterations for the better.
The cover to me has always been striking, very eye catching.
Your book has a very magical theme to it, fairies, fantasy and the unexpected.
All kids will love it.
I like the element of 'thirteen' that plays a big part in the story.
It makes for an interesting read…unique…very enjoyable.
I think your writing would be better with some of the paragraphs shortened down.
It would make for easier reading…just an opinion.
Anyway, you have a very good book here...one to be proud of.
After you have edited, you will have a book that will not be out-of-place on many a bookshelf of the young adult.
I have given your book ‘The Thirteenth Child’ the highest star rating and placed it on my shelf.
I think this is a wonderful book that deserves a chance in the market place of the young adult.
I’m sure it will get there.
Well done, Elisa!!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

HI, i started reading the first chater, it is a good start, but is it really for 10 yrs old? i think many would not understand some of the things you have put in! i think it reads better for teens or YA. i like the way you tell the start of the young boys life. i will not proof or the like as i am crap at it lol. all in all i liked it, a nice start to a good book. I will read on as and when i can. x

Hayley Warriner
FAIRY RING FARM

This opens well. The fact the birth is taking place on Friday the 13th during a treacherous evening immediately grabs my attention. The fact he's unique the second he's born adds additional intrigue.

I suggest: "...helped a rather pudgy, complaining woman give birth to a baby boy..."

Not sure how a brilliant shining star can be attributed to her stressful day? This seems unrelated.

The repetition of "she" in "She turned on the television. She caught the end..." felt unnecessary. Can you combine these sentences, or begin the second sentence with a different subject? Maybe something along the lines of, "A special feature on astrology flickered into being."

When you wrote, "She was attached to it," I thought you were referring to the mother. Possibly indicate the subject to avoid confusion?

The last paragraph in the intro didn't fulfill my hopes. I felt like too much was revealed to the reader, and it seemed a bit cliché. Many middle grade novels open with a child's birth. This doesn't necessarily need to change, but what can you do to set your opening apart from what is already available? Also, now that I've finished the first two chapters, I feel like the birth goes on for way too long, and there wasn't anything that really hooked me beyond the initial premise.

You need some punctuation to break up the flow of "just the number thirteen."

Who are you referring to when you say "she" in "His parents preferred to practice dancing as she had been a showgirl at the Moulin Rouge?" The mom? This isn't clear since you were referring to a plural subject (his parents).

Jumping around to different perspectives, none of which belong to a kid, will make this difficult for your target audience to connect with. Have you considered starting the story from Tredicino's perspective to give your reader a chance to connect with him? I think you would be better off starting with him reaching age thirteen and some form of conflict developing from there. Maybe a birthday celebration goes horribly wrong?

The paragraph beginning, "Roberto couldn't stop eating" was jarring. The paragraph is all about Roberto's eating habits, but you suddenly switched to "So she ate more than she should have..." in reference to Jessie. Yet the paragraph wasn't even about how much she ate. This didn't work for me. The fact you jump around from the hospital, to afterward when the mom is at home, back to the hospital, then to grandma is also jarring. This opening feels too disconnected. The individual pieces read well enough, but it's not cohesive at this point. Another example: "Jessie would, when she could, sneak something out" and "The thirteenth child spent the first days of his life in an oxygen tent suffering from pneumonia" are completely unrelated. By the paragraph starting, "Luigi called grandma..." I became lost again. I highly suggest your tell this story in chronological fashion. If I'm getting confused, then your target audience will be in the same boat.

I like the quirky cast; you've created a common enemy for your reader to cheer against. You've also made Tredicino sympathetic, which will help strengthen your novel once we reach his perspective.

Just a thought: if they don't want more children, then why do they keep having them?

The bit when they overhear the people talking about the thirteenth child reminded me too much of Harry Potter. In fact, the child's birth, the whispers about magic, and the awful parents all feel too familiar. How can you set this apart from Harry Potter?

The scenes with the grandma worked well, but again I feel like you're telling us way too much before your story has even started. Chapter two is very much the same as the first. I feel like you're starting this way too early. To me, your story doesn't really begin until chapter 3.

In the end, despite my nitpicks, I found a lot to like about this story. The premise is one that matches the market well, and the actual writing is top-notch. I think you do have a bit of work still to set this apart from what is already available, to focus on better targeting your audience, and to tell a more cohesive story; however, your novel contains a lot of potential and all the makings of a best-selling children's novel. Best of luck!

You have the makings of a great story here. It has the qualities of a classic farytale or fable with interesting characters and circumstances and just enough intrigue and mystery to captivate the reader. I know you are still working on this but I can tell already that young readers are going to love it. I really enjoyed what I read so far, and Grandma is brilliant!
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Hi Elisa,
This is nice. You've got good characters, an interesting plot, a great setting.
The Thirteenth Child does need work, though. After a while, the narration gets boring, and that can be confusing for children. We want to know: how the characters are feeling, what they are thinking, what the setting around them is like, and dialogue. The characters need to talk to each other! A reader finds out a lot about a character by how he responds to other characters and situations. Pick a particualar character to focus on. I'd suggest maybe sticking with Grandma for part of it, and Tredicino for most of it. And make it exciting! Sometimes when I'm writing, I'll put an exclamation point somewhere, and think that maybe I'm overdoing it. But later I'll return, and I'll realize it accents that particualr sentence nicely.
The Thriteenth Child has the potential to be something great. Massive editing is a must for every writer. Keep working, and you'll get it.
I'll be back to see what you've done! Good luck!
Noelle

Hi Noelle,have nearly finished my editing -as i said that was my first draft - the new version will be on here soon and i will look forward to seeing what you think -thanks for commenting- Elisa

Hi Elisa,
This is nice. You've got good characters, an interesting plot, a great setting.
The Thirteenth Child does need work, though. After a while, the narration gets boring, and that can be confusing for children. We want to know: how the characters are feeling, what they are thinking, what the setting around them is like, and dialogue. The characters need to talk to each other! A reader finds out a lot about a character by how he responds to other characters and situations. Pick a particualar character to focus on. I'd suggest maybe sticking with Grandma for part of it, and Tredicino for most of it. And make it exciting! Sometimes when I'm writing, I'll put an exclamation point somewhere, and think that maybe I'm overdoing it. But later I'll return, and I'll realize it accents that particualr sentence nicely.
The Thriteenth Child has the potential to be something great. Massive editing is a must for every writer. Keep working, and you'll get it.
I'll be back to see what you've done! Good luck!
Noelle

Dear Elisa,
It is so refreshing to sit and enjoy a wonderful children's story once in a while. It sort of calms the mind and makes you smile as you find yourself appreciating the simple but precious things in life, such as the love of someone like Grandma Gelsomina.
Your writing is flowing and the story clearly outlined. The punctuation could use some help here and there, but then so do a lot of books on this site, including mine :).
High starred and will shelve as soon as i can.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Magical! Backed

Hey Elisa,

I had my two kids read the first chapter (Girl 11/Boy 10) The liked it but they both felt a little lost when you switched from talking about the fairy and then starting talking about the not having a name (Their words).

Cheers,
Dwayne

Hi Elisa, The prolog was good. The first part of the book was Excellent up to when the parents were introduced. Watch your over use of 'they'. Sometimes it is better to say his parents, or call them by name. As a reader it got a little confusing and I found myself going back and rereading some paragraphs to get clarification. Also, using 'it' too much is not good. There are times when it is better to just say what 'it' is. That will keep the reader involved in the story. Watch the length of the sentences. Sometimes it is just better to chop them up a bit. You have a very good story, your only problem is to edit it so that the reader keeps up with the story you are telling. Try not to put any information into the story that isn't absolutely needed. The first part of the book is so cleanly written, it flows so nicely and if the rest of the book was written the same way, you would have a best seller. As for my book, thank you for offering to read it to your students. Perhaps a few more chapters would be nice, I am interested in their reaction and of course any reviews good or bad are wanted. You can email me at sohiadventures@hotmail.com
Susan

Hi,
I came to have a look per your request.
I read throught the first chapter, but i feel as this is a story for kids you may want to cut the first chapter into smaller ones. Most chapter books for this age group tend to be around twenty shorter chapters sometime still with illustrations.
You've already had comments about the sentence structure and editing so I don't feel I need to mention that.
The story itself has potential. The idea of a thirteenth child is a good one. The first chapter seems to be full of information about the family and past history, I think kids minds may drift at such a lot of information all at once. Maybe you could thin this out and feed the reader more gradually. There seems to be a lot to this story so it may be more manageable in shorter chunks packed around some kind of action rather than just telling.
I would also be tempted to pick a central character from the outset and tell the story from their eyes rather than distancing the reader by the narration telling the story.
This is just my thoughts as a reader and I have no publishing experience so my comments are just my opinon.
I wish you the best of luck with getting this published and seeing your greatest wish come true,
Cheers Jacoba

I read the first chapter and the story held my interest, but you do need to do some editing on your sentence structure. I understand that when we are writing like crazy to get our thoughts on paper, we don't always stop to make sure our grammar, spelling and punctuation is correct. But, for me as a reader, it stops me in my tracks when I see so much editing needs to be done. A reader can over look a typo or error or two, but try to make it as perfect as you can when you upload the story for everyone to read. Your story is a good one, and it caught my interest. Good luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

You have a charming idea and a great premise. I love the 13th society, the fairies, the grandmother. However, Elisia, you need to step back and learn the rules, the tools of English grammar and punctuation, which is not easy. Writing a story without the proper tools is akin to attempting to fix an automobile without any tools. Take a step back, read Strunk and White (grammar book), even sign up for a course. You have the story, you have the creativity, now acquire your tool kit. Good luck.
Caroline

i am editing chapters one and two -i am going to remove the extract from chapter 13 as the opening to my first chapter as a lot of you who have commented have not really liked it as a beginning -i will however bring in the fairy who appears in that extract as part of chapter one as this book needs some of the fantasy that fills it from chapter 3 onwards in its early chapters too- so expect a very different chapter 1 and 2 -i will let you know when i am done and hopefully all of you who have commented so far will have another look for me -thanks for all the comments i have received so far ,especially the constructive ones -elisa gianoncelli the thirteenth child

The story opens in east London... no it doesn’t. You start with the bit about the fairy. If you feel East London is where it should open, that’s what you should start with. But don’t try to have it both ways.

It would help, imo, if you read that first section out loud to yourself. You repeat phrases quite a lot which makes it a bit of a stilted read. It was quite a confusing start. The chapter length also felt quite long for this age group.

After such an old fashioned beginning using a phrase like ‘the fight was on’ felt a bit out of place.

The story seems full of promise and interesting characters but the writing lets it down a bit. There are a lot of long run-on sentences. Awkward phrases like ‘really a realistic option’ and strange mixing of words like ‘miserable’ and ‘wellwishers’. Punctuation was all over the place. To be honest it felt like an early draft that needs to be gone over again. I would like to just concentrate on the story side of things, but all the little errors and odd phrasing proved far too distracting.

It starts slowly and is very heavily detailed, which is fine, but a slower pace allows the reader to spot a lot more mistakes and there are too many here to ignore, in my opinion. The writing really needs more polishing. Just reading it out loud to yourself would fix a lot of the problems.

i wouldnt start with the extract
instead of saying the boy;s parents were so awful, i;d have a little vignette about them that told us they were...
harry potter';s step parents show us their awfulness...and that hooks us into him too

Hi Elisa

I have read the first 2 chapters of the book and loved it so far. I like reading fantasy adventure books so this was something I enjoyed. Looking forward to reading some more.

Tina

Elisa

Read the first chapter and was pulled in. It read like a Roahl Dahl or Limmey Snicket book which are just fun to read. Your descriptions are right for the age group but are not condescending which makes it more enjoyable for them to read. It was face paced and quick to follow. The grandmother was enjoyable and someone that children will relate to as someone they want to crawl up on her lap for a good snuggle. The parents are wonderfully described and deliciously disgusting the way children like to have characters.

On the flip side (10 y/o talking) the prolog is not necessary. In fact in our case it was confusing. My son lost interest by the time I got to the actually first chapter because he felt he'd been dropped in the middle of something and wasn't sure what was going on. I know it's only a few paragraphs and as an adult we'll push through but kids are fickle, at least mine is. That's just our opinion.

Shelving the book and hope to see more from you.

Michel

hello Elisa' The Thirteenth Child'

A better cover you could not have picked for you book; it will catch the attention of the young children.
The pitch covers the layout of the story so very well; what child is not captivated by their grandparents!
After reading the first few chapters and some chunks more, i found your style of writing so easy to read, very relaxed pace to it. So full of creativity and innocence , not to mention so atmospheric in a certain way;.
i have no doubt that you have a successful book on your hands here that will do very well in its genre.
good luck with it
six stars
tom bye' from hugs to kisses'

hello Elisa' The Thirteenth Child'

A better cover you could not have picked for you book; it will catch the attention of the young children.
The pitch covers the layout of the story so very well; what child is not captivated by their grandparents!
After reading the first few chapters and some chunks more, i found your style of writing so easy to read, very relaxed pace to it. So full of creativity and innocence , not to mention so atmospheric in a certain way;.
i have no doubt that you have a successful book on your hands here that will do very well in its genre.
good luck with it
six stars
tom bye' from hugs to kisses'

The Thirteenth Child by Elisa Gianoncelli:

What a magical book! You are a master story-teller. The pace was almost roller-coaster in style and I was propelled swiftly through a range of images that have not left me since I started reading. As an avid reader, I am still a ‘big kid’ at heart and I was drawn in right from the start. Rejuvenated and regenerated is how I feel after reading several chapters. I love the sacrifice of the fairy in the opening scene and Tredicino’s tender feelings of concern. 13 is a thoughtful age—an age of coming into being. I remember it well just as my son embarks on it now. Crystal balls, the Ancient Thirteenth Society and a chosen grandma (who was actually on the Titanic!) made me shiver with anticipation and the number 13 is significant. But the porcine and somewhat selfish parents’ indifference over their baby was almost too much to stomach and we care deeply for this child. Pizza’s, pies and Uncle Luigi’s Italian Café are delicious word pictures. I can almost smell an array of flavors. Highly starred, I enjoyed it immensely. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Great period drama to begin with as we move through a family backstory; your prologue does everything a good prologue should to start with, infused with intrigue much as little Tredicino is filled with strange power at the start. We know he is a "chosen one" right from the off, but his journey seems so much different to most other heroes. The recurring motif of 13 as a guiding force of the narrative is cute and unexpected - we're so used to it being an unlucky number, as you point out. And I liked the snatches of Victorian London you put in, too. Fine work

P

LOVED what I have read so far, can't wait to read more.

Luciana

Burning Angel

Hi Elisa I was wondering when, and if, you were going to put up the remaining chapters? My little boy keeps asking me as he loved what I read to him. I have read comments on this page and while some are very nice others are quite catty. Don't worry your book will be a big hit, it has magical elements to it and you are a gifted writer. Ignore all the armchair critics and get on with what you do so well.

Kind Regards

Steve

hi thank you mr. delaney for taking the time to leave me a comment -i appreciate that and will certainly look at the punctuation again.I have written lots of stories for the children i teach as i run a tutorial school and those stories are all on my website - i may put another one up here soon called frankie the little adventurer and if you go on om my website you will see a lot of them are conversation based .This one was not written with that effect in mind -i spent a long time choosing words to tell the story with rather than have it told through my characters i also like the use of SO in it -again for the effect i wanted i chose this word .i read it through and through and i felt it was so right (excuse the pun).Not everyone is going to appreciate the effect i wanted to give in this story but some have.i also wanted to extend a childs everyday vocabulary and idea of fantasy .The reason for me putting this story on this site was so the children i taught and their mums could read the finished thing as they had only seen rough drafts before-they have all been invited to look at this and say they love it and want to read to the end but unfortunately i cannot let them -all those people are genuine readers and mostly children which is who the book is aimed at -so i do not believe are any less able to appreciate the book than the writers on this site .Perhaps some of the other writers who have written for children should try their books out on their intended audience as their idea of what is good is so different to an adults -i was /am negotiating with a film company who did not want me putting more than six chapters on this site -i have not come on here particularly for a HC review if i get one i can take whatever they say with good grace and say well this is my book and i like it and the kids i teach like it so what the heck !! -elisa gianoncelli

Elisa,

This is a very nice story you have written here. The premise is good, your creativity is good and you are a promising writer.

Here are my suggestions. As has been pointed out to you in the "real" critiquers below, you need to work on punctuation. Particularly, placement of commas and their proper usage. Some of the sentences are run-on. It isn;t that they are not written well, just that you need to shorten some of them. Over usage of adjectives and adverbs is something we all struggle with at times. I see a lot of this here as well.

For example: Adding words in front of verbs / nouns. "very" special / "so" happy / "so" poorly / etc,,,

You overuse "so" constantly.

didn't want to get to London; so fight it she must
(Leave out the semi-colon. A comma would suffice)
There were other examples of where you are misusing semi's. The idea of using them is to connect two sentences that could essentially stand alone but are associated in one thought ot action or description. Most of the time when I see them used, a comma would have been fine. (We all do this)

Your work needs editing. Your writing is quite good. You have a good imagination. I would suggest more dialogue to tell your story. It's the old "show" don't "tell" philosophy. Let your characters tell your story. Narrative balance is hard too. Learning to speak through your characters is the essence of the art of writing.

Now, all of that said. I notice hardly any of your backers appear to have pictures. I assume this is either because they are not regular members or possibly friends who signed up to support your book. WHile it is nice to see this much support, it makes up almost ALL of your supporters which is leading to your book advancing pre-maturely. What is going to happen is you are going to find yourself making the desk and getting embarrassed. This work needs polishing badly. You need a lot of practice. Getting a false sense of confidence from an advancing rank that you do not deserve will only hurt you in the end.

I do wish you the very best in your writing endeavors. I stringly advise you to take my advice so you don;t get embarrassed by the editors. They don't / aren't as forgiving.

My best

"He radiated") where I felt your tenses were confused.

Like I say, it's only one view point so feel free to ignore it. It certainly doesn't detract from your good story and nice writing. I have star rated this and put it on my watchlist for now. I'd like to see what happens with it.

Good luck!
Laura
Beneath the Blossom Tree

P.S. I also write for YA/childrens and would therefore be grateful for your comments on my book.

Hi Elisa,

I really like your story and you have done a fine job of working the language for the age group. I have a couple of suggestions but I'll leave it to you, whether you use them or not.

I prefer to read a comma before "which", not after and I think it would flow better in your opening.

Look out for a few occasions when you have used a comma in place if a full stop. On one occasion you obviously meant to use a full stop, as your next word is capitalised.

There is one occasion (the paragraph beginning

Definitely an interesting story. With a bit of editing, it will go far. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted

Love this! On my watchlist! You will be published for sure!

Elisa,
Watching Tredicino's development from premature infant to a heroic figure ready to take on all comers, was a treat, indeed. Your fluid prose carried your narrative style of writing very well. With dialogue absent, I focused on the pictures you created with carefully crafted words that told me all I needed to know. Thank you so much for the entertaining read. I look forward to the rest of your book.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This a ture adventure for children and written so perfectly for the genre. Elissa, you have a gift for this style of writing!

The only thing I noticed that you could watch for is the word echos "day" and "mountains" run find in your word doc and you'll see them. If that's all I kind see, well, that says a lot for the strength of your writing.

Cheers,
Dwayne

i have slightly amended my opening which is actually an extract from chapter thirteen of this book (although only the first 6 chapters are available on this site for reading at present -the book is finished )and i now think it is better .Would appreciate feedback from anyone who has read it before as to whether it flows better now ,i would like to thank everyone who has left a comment for me so far particularly kaychristina and karen Rosario -as both your comments touched my heart as they were so lovely and i just knew by them that you loved fairies ,unicorns and all magical creatures as much as i did -elisax

Elisa, this is absolutely enchanting, and on behalf of my own late Father who loved the Italian Alps as did your own, you have that same gift which this story gives us in the life of Tredicino. Perhaps not HIS gift... or perhaps you have, but it's a storyteller's gift.

I was a little concerned, at first, at the lack of actual dialogue, but you know, it's there in the narrative, just as storytellers of old told stories around the campfires, and had everyone, young and old, in their thrall.

ONE thing I'd consider - and I see you're maybe thinking about it already (!!), is re-working that magical opening a little. I think it's fascinating, actually, but for children, I'd think of putting that opening paragraph at the end of the section. Perhaps after *The mago didn't want to reach this point with Tredicino, but he had no choice. He became the ultimate destroyer....................etc. He had just not been able to get rid of Tredicino whilst he was a baby.// The fight was on.* Just a suggestion, as I think that paragraph is rather deep, but would be a lot clearer (for children) placed that little bit further down. Also, of course, you start with the line about T. being 13, so I think it would flow much more easily to go straight into him lying in the ravine! Apart from that, there are a few typos all through - apostrophes here and there and a few sentences that need a stop or comma. But it didn't stop this adult reading! I had to laugh at Roberto and *that woman*'s forays to the pie and mash place, their decline, but oh, those poor children. I'm surprised if they don't steal a jellied eel or two... I would.

Grandma's life is a book on its own, I think! If you've ever a mind to do it, her Titanic adventure with her friend, and perhaps their enduring friendship when Grandma goes home, would be interesting - for adults!

Highly starred and backed for you and for Grandma, for Tredicino, his Unicorn, White Paw and Mr Sunflower, and for the fairies everywhere, especially in the Italian Alps.

From Kay with love
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

hi Bamboo promise thank you for your comment and so delighted to have you reading my book -i did take a bit of a gamble when i put the extract in from the end of the book as i wanted 2 show readers how exciting it was going to get and what this baby had become without giving too much away -i may however change the composition of the extract slightly soon to make it clearer -thanks for bringing this to my attention and just to let you know it is something i have thought about -please read the other 3 chapters that are on here if you have time -would really like to hear what you think -thanks elisa

hi Elisa. Fantastic book and cant wait to read the rest. Good luck.

Fascinating story. I cannot wait to see the rest.

Amazing story... I would love to see the rest !!
Anjeli

I read 3 chapters so far. The story line sounds great and fascinating, I loved it. However, it was confusing at the beginning and I lost track of it many times with he and she, they. It will be best to put more dialog in each paragraph to motivate the readers otherwise, they will loose interest quickly. I suggest to rewrite the synopsis to snap the audience. Other than that, your book will be successful. My book is not better than yours anyways.
BM

i would like to say that all comments and criticism of whatever nature is received and akcknowledged gratefully by me -BUT please be prepared for a response as this book took me a long time to write and i am very proud of it -i am not saying it is perfect but it has been reviewed ,revised and added to with a lot of 10 year olds on tow - so this ones for lara - hi ,im a tutor specialising in 11 plus entry and have read each chapter to the 10 year olds who come to me -although clever children i do not believe them to be unusual-they were the ones who chose the extract from chapter 13 to open the book this extract is about the little fairy who belongs 2 the lone star (her lying there in the ditch having virtually given up her life for Tredicinos benefit still moves me each time i read it even though i wrote it -because i love fairies and angels and i know they arte there helping every single one of us ) , the star which Tredicino constantly sees.She comes to revitalise and rejuvenate the young 13 year old boy after he had experienced the Magos terror tactics -he then becomes the thirteenth societys warrior king -a long awaited for warrior king who has help all around ihim in the form of the carousel animals ,his pet wolf and mr sunflower -this is for children around 9 and all who have a childlike heart up to the age of 90 .!! i would like to add i am the mother of a son who grew up with the marvel characters ,Harry Potter and digimon ,pokemon and the smurfs now Bleach -when he begged me 2 read him a chapter every night b4 going 2 bed i knew this character Tredicino and his unicrn were special -so please if you have children lara get them to read it and please get back to me -would be so grateful -elisa gianoncelli

I love the concept of the 13th child, the setting and the story line. However, i don't think the openin will appeal to a child as young as ten, it's too turgid. As a whole, the novel is told very distantly. It lacks immediacy and it will be difficult for a reader to fully engage and identify with the characters.Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

Love the story and hope to see the rest!

Fabulous, I love fantasy adventure and I have found myself tantalised in wanting to read more from this author!!

Hi Elisa,

What a great story and wonderful writing - I'm left wanting more..... The very best of luck, I hope the book is snapped up and becomes a best seller, in which case I'll be able to read to the end and won't still be hanging on tenter hooks.

David