Book Jacket

 

rank 5073
word count 73563
date submitted 08.03.2011
date updated 01.06.2012
genres: Thriller, Science Fiction, Fantasy,...
classification: moderate
complete

Phantom: The Betrayers

Vincent B. Valdez

In a galaxy ravaged by a deadly disease that has killed far beyond billions of human lives, a hero will rise to fight for survival...

 

In the Years of 2590 through 2594, the Human Universal Military engaged a deadly enemy that feels no pain and no emotion. A normal human being infected by a deadly mutagen dubbed W.

By 2594, HUM was almost completely wiped out, forced to retreat back to inner colony space. The outer colony sectors, with any survivors on the planets, left behind to die. Four years later, a man wakes up from his crashed space cruiser on a rotting planet filled with zombies. As he struggles to survive, he will not only learn the cause of the outbreak, but also the larger conspiracy behind it. And now, armed with the secrets he's learned, the survival of the human race lies solely in his hands.

Along the way, the man will befriend an Artificial Intelligence, work with a very interesting Jamican only referred to as the No-Mad with his own fighting resistance named as the No-MAD empire. Together, they try to put an end to AVE, the private science/medical/ military corporation responsible for everything. But as he goes deeper down the rabbit hole, he will soon discover that man kind is not the only living species in the galaxy...

 
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tags

action, adventure, fantasy, horror, science fiction, thriller

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4 comments

 

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RBStark wrote 590 days ago

in your pitch you jump back and forth between present and past tense. i see that someone else also mentions this. you should read it out loud because there are a lot of problems there.

luckyfish09 wrote 618 days ago

You have a great concept going here with great promise. The biggest criticism I have is that you flip flop a lot from the present to the past. So, I got a little confused at times. With a little work this could be a very interesting book! Good luck!
luckyfish09
p.s. I will come back and read more! I am adding this to my watchlist.

Walden Carrington wrote 698 days ago

Vincent,
Phantom: The Betrayer has richly detailed descriptions which make it easy for the reader to imagine the scenes. This is a look into the future unlike anything I could have imagined and admire anyone who can create such a gripping account.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Brian Bandell wrote 700 days ago

The idea for the story is a good one and the plot is sound. It's the writing that needs work.

This sentence doesn’t make sense: “He then push is himself up on his feet…” I think you meant to say “He pushes himself up on his feet…”

You started in the present tense and you suddenly switched to past tense. That’s not good. You need to stay in the same tense throughout. Your verb tense keeps shifting, sometimes within the same sentence.

I’m not connecting to the descriptions. They don’t seem real. Detail is lacking, as is emotion.

Overuse of BOLD dialog. Use sparingly, preferably never.

The dialog is pretty basic. You need to show character and emotion in the dialog.

Writing takes practice and study. Keep working on it and read novels in the genre you want to write in.

Best regards,

Brian Bandell
Mute

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