THE KEY

inhale. exhale. I needed that after reading chapter one. wow, what a story. In one sense I envy Kay. I would love to have the opportunity of sniffing through unknown family album. That's good. But the emotion explosion that followed looking at the photos is not enjoyable. Second thought, the photos provide clues to Kay's real identity. On that basis the emotion tsunami is justified. Like Kay, I get a feeling at times when things not right. Hidden secret. Family betrayal, etc. I intend to follow Kay on her journey to see what dark secret uncover and whether she's right about being adopted. But I got to break now. I'll read more later

Hi, I'm returning the read...
I’ve only read the first chapter today, but the mystery is definitely intriguing. I like Marie’s quick humor, Kay’s hesitant wonder, and Aunt Izzy’s fascination for the past family. I can tell you have a great idea here, and know the story that follows will be very interesting.
You mentioned that you are in college again to “improve your literacy”. Way to go! I love people who get up and get busy if they don’t have the full skills they want. Too many people sit back and let life pass them by. Keep learning! You have solid ideas, and that’s a place anyone can start.
Since you know there are grammar problems, I only commented on a few of the first ones. If you’d rather not have them stay on your comment list, I’d be happy to edit my comment. Also, I tried to explain just a little of why something needed changing. If you have questions, I’m more than willing to answer; I have a while shelf of grammar books to help me find the “why”s of the English language. 
---“For a long time she didn’t know what she was afraid of, she…”: This is a run-on sentence, where two complete sentences are combined with a comma. There are several ways to fix it: To exchange the comma with a semicolon (my favorite), to put in a period instead of a comma and make two sentences (best when the sentences are long or in quick action scenes), or to rephrase the sentence (best when there are multiple sentences like this near each other).
---“Her mother’s only sister who she had not seen for many years”: Several problems with the paragraph—it’s all one sentence (which is not necessarily bad, but might scare your readers to death—don’t do it right off the bat in a book); you use “That” three times (also not a bad word, but which tends to be overused and easily tired); and there’s a missing comma after “years”.
Often in writing, we use little explanations that might best be expressed in parentheses in other contexts, such as how I do above. In prose, we use commas instead. If it’s an explanatory note in the middle of a sentence, it needs commas on both ends (like the phrase I quoted above).
Also, I need to check on it, but I believe “whom” should be used instead of “who”.
---“Aunt Isabella who was known as Izzy”: another explanatory note. I would personally tend to use dashes: “—better known as Izzy—” but you can use commas, too.
---“Oh, yes ok”: Okay has two proper forms: the abbreviation OK, with capital letters, and the full word of okay. Pick either one safely.
---“Kay felt like saying no…” In this instance, this one-sentence paragraph flows well. You don’t need to change it (nor do you need to change when they’re one-line paragraphs like the first one).
---“Handing them to Kay…”: an incomplete sentence, without a subject (Kay is the object). Who is handing them? Izzy should be in it in some form. I’d advise simply changing the previous sentence’s period to a comma, and making it one long sentence. For saving words, you might replace “then went on” with “began”
I wish you all the best with your story! Hope I was helpful…
~Hannah

Interesting pitch. Can't wait to read

Hi, there! Had time to read your charming book this morning.

I am typically accompanied on my reviews by my English-teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. I’ve sent her on an errand this morning so you don’t’ have to worry about getting any of her lip. But my review won’t be as long as usual…..

You have a wonderful ear for the language. When you do add the punctuation, this will be really sharp.

I love history and genealogy, but the opening to this doesn’t quite grab me. I wonder if some place descriptions would help the reader out? Or a description of the Aunt’s appearance, to make the reader want to get to know her? Perhaps the suspicion about adoption should be announced earlier?

I do like that we have two mysteries to solve – the question of the adoption and why the great-granddad looks familiar.

I’d give the house a bit more space. I’d love to see what Izzy has done to change Nan’s house – the girls would notice it and possibly even remark on it as they enter.

And another mystery in the second chapter!! The reader definitely has cause to go on. I’d like to picture Mr. Gerard a bit better and would love more description of Miss Jarvis, beyond her cantankerousness (is that a word?) She should have lovely lines and liver spots and eyes covered with a filmy gray membrane. What do her hands look like? Has she fixed her hair or is it sticking out wildly in every direction? Does she maintain her usual dignified air, or has she retreated into old age?

All the best!
~Audrey

Hi there

First of all, I'm so sorry for the late return read. For some reason you weren't on my watchlist anymore and it wasn't until I saw the outstanding return read on my list that I realised.

So, here I am! 

I like your first line. It's very grabby and has my attention. You have some missing commas throughout that would help break up the paragraphs and make them easier to read. For example, your second paragraph is basically one whole sentence and without punctuation can make the reader feel a bit breathless. Also, you have the same problem I do, which is an overuse of the word 'that'. Where possible, weed them out and it helps to make the passages a bit smoother.

Antique road shows - if you're referring to the tv programme you need to capitalise Road and Show. It's a popular enough programme that most readers will assume that you are, so if you aren't then I'd suggest changing that a bit o differentiate.

I do like your premise though. The boom in people taking an interest in their family history thanks to shows like Who Do You Think You Are? means that (I think anyway) a lot of people will be drawn to this story.

I like your dialogue, particularly between Marie and Kay. It's realistic and reads how people actually speak. Again, some commas are needed but it wasn't enough to detract me from the story.

I love the difference between the sisters personalities. Marie is quite bolshy and pushy whereas Kay is meek an anxious. It works well.

I do like how this story is unfolding. The addition of Miss Jarvis and the hint at secrets unknown in their family past is a good one. It does need an edit - you have some typos, misplaced/missing commas etc but the plot is good and your dialogue spot on.

Well starred.

Silva

Karen,
I read the synopsis and first chapter of THE KEY. I was glad to have given it six stars as it's a very suspenseful story. I love having mysteries unfold throughout an entire work. That creates an account the reader feels compelled to continue reading. There is an abundance of dialogue in what I have read so far and it was easy to imagine the words being spoken. However, I think you could develop the setting better to help the reader imagine the scenes. It's important to establish in the reader's mind where your characters are when these conversations are taking place. I haven't read beyond the first chapter, but I'm curious about where this story takes place. The dialogue is realistic, but I would have been more drawn into the story if you had written more description of the surroundings.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Chapter 2: There is a definite difference between the sisters. You sum that up quickly in Chapter 2 when they go to visit Izzy. Just in those few words and actions, you show Kay to be a worrisome, anxious, almost paranoid personality; whereas, Marie is confident, bold, and not worried about anything. Very good! I even liked the quick description of the plants surrounding the gate, the nostalgia building in Kay to be here again visiting their grandparent’s home. Wonderful! And their jobs, what a big difference in their attitudes towards what they do for a living.

There is mystery over the family’s past, which is good. I enjoyed Kay going to work, learning of the cranky Miss Jarvis that only Kay can deal with, the mounting suspense about Mr. Gerard, the historian, and his place in the story. I especially enjoyed the information about the journals and the connection between the two families past and how it could impact Kay’s present. What’s that all about?! Great! Love that sort of stuff!

I’ll be back!
Ellise ;)

THE KEY by K. J. BLACK -- Chapter 1: So far, Karen, you have a lovely story with intrigue, mystery, and questions that must be answered. The reader must read on! Very good. Your punctuation and editing will be a must, as well as some words like, your should be you’re, etc., but those can be fixed easy enough. The “meat” of the story is coming through. I will read on and let you know what I think. :)

Ellise ;)
~The Governess~

I've read your profile so I know you are aware that good editing is a must. That apart there is huge appeal in this work. Your pitch hints at mystery,intrigue and secrets, a good mix for a solid story. Add to it your ability to tell a good tale and with a little polishing this could shine.
Close observations of what makes people 'tick' are always interesting and your characters are well thought out. So keep working on this because its worth it. Margaret.

I very much enjoyed this story. Yes there is some editing needed, you explain that in your bio, so I won’t go into where you need to move a comma etc…
…As for the story itself, it’s just lovely. You have a great premise here. I like secrets and a bit of history so once I started reading I was delighted with how the story unfolds.
A good pace. I like a snappy read. One or two spots where a sentence stopped abruptly, but you’ll spot that when you edit.
I really like Kay. I almost feel for her with her frumpy appearance. I also like the contrast between Kay and her sister. Gives me a great image.
I think when you work on your edit this will be very good indeed. All the right ingredients for great suspense are there they just need to be tidied up.

The best of luck with this, I hope you do very well.

Janny

KJ,
The Key is a fine product of your interest in family history research. I think the premise is good for those who enjoy mysteries, as this is not unlike the cosy where the MC investigates, say, for example, a large old house full of hidden clues or treasures. I read the first two chapters and liked Marie and Kay. Your opening lines present the conflict, subtle tension.
Literary agent Donald Maass makes some valid points about what should sell well today in his book Writing the Breakout Novel. Your premise does not meet his idea of what will become a bestseller, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't do reasonably well, especially with the Kindle option today. With this in mind, IMHO, I'd say keep refining this and then pursue editing assistance. I say assistance, but if you feel confident in simply changing your focus and putting on the editor's cap yourself, good.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi there, had a look at the pitch and opening chapter of The Key and left a few thoughts that I hope prove useful. Good luck.

Pitch.
The pitch is well done, doing what’s intended and drawing the reader in. Just one small point, you have a full stop between: ...that she knows things about her family (.) Kay becomes curious; this should be a comma.
Chapter One.
...and it had become as much (apart) of her... should be two separate words: a part of her...
Syntax & wordiness: ...and wanted to talk about the family and its history (that) memories Kay never knew existed began to surface and questions (that had) played on her mind were finally answered. This is a bit clunky, too long as a single sentence and too many “thats”. The syntax is also a little off. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: ...and wanted to talk about the family and its history that memories Kay didn’t know existed, began to surface. Questions, which had played on her mind, were finally answered.
Kay (had) not been keen... as Aunt Isabella ... (had) rambled on... It’s not always necessary to use the word “had” to indicate past events. Also, like “that”, once you start using it, it tends to repeat itself. Suggest: Kay had not been keen... as Aunt Isabella... rambled on.
Overuse of Kay’s name: ... revealed the most morbid collection that (Kay) had ever seen. (Kay) would have loved... The use of the MC’s name so close together jars a little. Suggest replacing the 2nd with “she” as it’s clear who you’re talking about.
Punctuation: She then went on to lift the items out one by one (.) Handing them... The bracketed full stop should be a comma and “Handing” should have a lower case h.
Missing word: ...even though (he) was a sick man... missing the bracketed word.

Thought provoking, moving with a good measure of humor . Full of surprises especially the unexpected ending.

5 stars
All the best with it
Richard

Hi Kasse,

Nice to meet a neighbour. I live in Leigh.

I've only had time to read the first two chapters of this story. I'ts an interesting story but unfortunately spoiled by a rather large number of errors, mainly missing commas. Before the story, good as it is, has any chance of publication these things need to be corrected. If possible, get someone else with a fresh pair of eyes to proof read your work. We rarely spot our own mistakes.

Apart from the coomas, thre are a few typos. For instance in chapter one you use the word 'apart' when 'a part' is meant, and in chapter two there is a 'they' which should be 'the.

Also in chapter two you have a paragraph with two different speakers. Every time there is a change of speaker a new paragraph is needed.

You tend to overuse the word 'that'. In most cases the word 'that' is not necessary. Try reading reading the sentence without it. If it makes sence get rid of the word.

Kay's expression of surprise at the young child's death is not realistic as during that period child mortality was quite common. That's why it was usual to have large families - parents actually expected to lose some of their children.

The date on the photograph does not prove the age of the child. Only the date the photograph was taken. If you need to be specific about the age it needs to be included along with the date.

Sorry if all this appears rather negative. I do think the story has potential. It just needs more work.

Ron

KJ,
I read the first few chapters here and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I especially like the way you handle people’s emotions – there’s a truth to their behaviour. There are still style/grammar problems to iron out but more importantly there’s a good idea here that’s worth developing.
Best of luck with it.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Not necessarily my kind of book, but I read the first chapter to reciprocate your read of my work. The grammatical erors have been well noted by others, and I found the same. Had to add punctuation in my head whilst reading.

The story comes across as simple and easily relatable to everybodies lives, and is told with a pleasant feel. Occasionally details got in the way of my immersion in to the story. Some lines were there for the purpose of information, and they felt that way rather than as a natural part of the conversation.

It feels personally as though there is enough here to work on. Through refining structure and technique this can move beyond a story and towards being a book.

As with all opinions mine is only one, feel free to disregard what I have said.

Good luck

I very much enjoyed reading this book. Five stars and a backing when its turn rolls around.

Gripping all the way thru !! ive not moved since starting to read it a couple of hours ago ...

The last couple of chapters were the story unfolds are superbly written and thought out !!

An excellent read for anyone considering it x

Great idea for a story. Find a writer you trust off site to give a thorough read for style and plot. After you have a good plot revision, Then have a line-by line edit done. There are literally thousands of grammatical errors in this draft, starting from the first few paragraphs all the way to the end. That will kill any chance you have.

Best of luck.

Nia Ryan
FINAL ARRANGEMENTS

This has a great beginning. I almost feel that I'm with Kay and Marie as they go through all of the pictures. Makes me want to read more. 5 stars
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

This is wonderful
The pace, characters, storyline, and the unexpected end is a sure winner.
But it is the underlying theme of this story that had the greatest impression on me.
There are some grammatical errors that can be rectified with a good edit.
five stars
All the best
Sarah

Ch.1.
You have an interesting plot here, which promises to develope into a fine story, well worth pursuing. Everybody is interested in their origins, and delving into family history to discover more about oneself is a favourite pastime for many people.

But there are several technicalities, which need addressing before you can consider looking for an agent. I'll give you some examples.
Please know that these are only my opinion; I do not pretend to be an expert. It's your book, and I'm only trying to help you, even if my suggestions may seem like a lot of nit-picking....!

Try not to start consecutive paragraphs with the same word ('For' in the first two paras).

Avoid repetition of words within a paragraph, or even a sentence: there are two 'that's within three words in the third para.

Avoid split infinitives. "to suddenly have faces put to the names..." You can rectify this by merely deleting the "suddenly" word, which, when you think of it, is unnecessary anyway.

And editors are all for eliminating unnecessary words in order to improve the pace of a story. There are many places in your first chapter where a careful line edit will remove the obstacles to the flow of your story.

You suddenly switch scenes from Izzy, to Marie. To avoid bewildering the reader, perhaps you could use a few sentences to introduce Marie, and set the scene of the conversation, so the reader can picture it. This could also be said for the beginning of the chapter. Although the first two paragraphs provide a compelling start, there are no subsequent background details. Not everybody reads the pitch.

Although words like 'you know' are often used in speech, I've been advised to omit them in written dialogue, as they spoil the flow. And when you're recounting interrupted speech, it's usual to insert a - (dash).

I'm sorry if this all seems so negative, but I hope it helps to guide you into self-editing.

You have taken commendable time and effort to complete your book. It is worth persevering with, but you will need to take even more time.
My book was started 40 years ago (but that's extreme, and family concerns intervened!), and I've been writing, and re-writing the whole book, at least three times in the past 4-5 years before coming to this stage. Thanks to the constructive criticism I've received from friends in the business, and people on authonomy, I'm now gaining confidence to dare think about self-publishing if I'm not lucky enough to find even an agent - and luck plays a large part!

It would be great if you could take a look at Breath of Africa. I am impressed by your TSR rating!
Best wishes,
Jane.

Hi,
I came to have a read at your request.
I think this story works well. I love family history and finding out hidden secrets. A great premise for the mystery you have created here.
I read the first three chapters and the story moves forward, enticing the reader to keep going.
I agree with Mr Delaney's comments that it needs a thorough edit. I didn't bother listing the errors I encountered along the way, another pair of eyes or an editing program will pick these up for you, but since the story is good, it would be well worth the edit before sending it out to agents.
I wish you well with it,
Starred, Cheers Jacoba

This novel can be called as ‘a mind capturing novel’, because not only by its theme, but by its turnings would deeply influence each reader. Blood relations and its changing are widely prescribing in this novel.

Joy J Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire
The Seagulls

THE KEY

PITCH: Needs refining. When it comes time to query an agent, go to Agent Query Connect dot com and join. It is free and you will learn the art of query writing there. Helpful people, with great capability and experience will guide you through it in a message board setting, enabling you to go at your own pace.

I almost didn't read on because the pitch was weak! Incidentally, the story is quite good. Kay takes shape right away, her character being revealed from the very first sentence. Her challenge is explained well, the characters flow well and are engaging.

Stay away from "so", "was", "had", "and", etc,... as much as possible. Also, too many adverbs to over explain actions are unnecessary. Let your reader imagine. I strongly recommend reading the critique of David Breitling (author of UNDO REDO on Authonomy). He explains it much better than I do. You might want to read some his advice to others when you come across them. Very helpful stuff. He's helped me a lot! Go read what he put on THE WRITE IN, while everyone else writes the same ol stuff about how great it is. I treasured his comments. He is a friend of mine so I'm going to try and get him to review your book. I'm working on it.

Okay. Now. The good stuff. You write pretty well. I'm gonna say you tend to get in a hurry at times (?) Just curious. I note a bit of choppy flow at times. That is that imagination working ahead of you. You have a good one. You have crafted quite a plot here. Very nice! Good details....but, a lot to keep track of. I'm sure you agree. LOL.

EXAMPLE:
Kay thought hard about her granddad. He was what Kay thought every granddad should be. He was kind and caring, even though was a sick man he never let it show, and regardless of ailments he always had time to play with Kay, and her sister Marie.
MY VERSION: (More sentences. Less length each one. Seperate thoughts. Less "and", "was" etc,...)
Kay thought hard about her grandad. A caring and kind man, she thought him everything a grandad should be. Even after becoming sick, he never let it show, always making time to play with Kay and her sister.

Get the idea? It is about "flow". Being thrifty with words. Don;t overuse them at the risk of being repetitive. Some words are so easy to use again and again, we become spoiled on them. I do it too, believe me! It is just easier to spot in other's writing.

Do not mistake my critique for a slander of your storytelling ability! You have a great skill! It simply needs refining. Frankly, I'm in love with your protagonist. Kay is personable, a thinker who is compasionate and aware. Excellent character.

Here would be suggestion. On Authonomy, you should read the work of Margaret Anthony (SPIRIT OF THE BUTTERFLY) Violet Wells (PONTE SANTA TRINITA) and Phyliss Burton (PAPER DREAMS). All British authors whom I feel you can learn from. If you could get each to review your work, you might see that they are all very helpful, wonderful ladies. They are busy girls, you might have to stay after them. Tell them I steered you to them and you might get a quicker response.

My very best to you my dear. Stay at it. 5 stars for THE KEY. W-listed. Will re-visit in 30 days to see changes that will make this story head for the top of the charts.

this is great. I have just finished chapter 7 and I am hooked.

your general flow is good and this already feels like a book...for now l will put this on my watchlist..
read SEASONS...

I had time to read the first two chapters, and thought that you depicted Kay very well: her very self-conscious attitude, her fear, the way in which she thinks she's frumpy and unattractive in comparison to her sister Marie. Her sister is very much the opposite in her confidence: she knows that she's attractive. Their jobs are also polar opposites: one helping with the living (nurse) and the other with the dead (undertaking). I also liked the mystery behind Kay's ancestry, the picture of the little girl, the diary, etc. All the best - Marita.

THE KEY

This is great. I enjoyed Chapter 1.
The long pitch needs some help.
Break it into paragraphs. Did you mean "the old ladies home" plural?
Five stars and on my WL.
A Zoomer

KJ,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character. The ebbs and flows of Kay as she goes about reconciling the wishes with the pauses....

......and she does her grace shows.

You are at your best when you use description to paint the emotional map of your characters. For, it is when she is "doing this or that" that her character manifests itself. The use of place then, becomes a psychological marker rather than merely a descriptive device.

Add to that the dialogue - neither descriptive nor punchy, but somewhat in the middle - arching the plot....

.....and is that mix that makes your narrative wonderful.

Some of my favorites:

"a train spotting vegetarian"

"In the hallway.....
this entire paragraph is your personal best so far....
why?
because here you get down to the nitty grity of describing, of painting a mind picture so that the reader be with you...in the moment

"with that she parked...."
another personal best (ch 3) for here you get down to move the plot while describing, going back and forth, the net effect is that the reader "sees" the plot moving and the characters reacting.

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would liked a bit more of a sense of place at the beginning. You are introducing the reader to a new world, one he has never seen before
Like you do at the beginning of ch 2 for example

"she was pretty and glamorous" "suddenly(1) otherwise(2) occupied(3!)" "responded cheerfully"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

David