Anonymous Gift Giver

Hello Stella-Grace.
-Anonymous gift viver--

Can across this book of yours whilst browsing and thought to myself ' read a few chick-lit's for a change'
Glad i did. After reading all six chapters posted, i found it to be a good read indeed.
Got involved in Lara's story as she finds America's way of life a culture shock to her system,;and she thinking she was a sassy girl.
liked the way her mind tries to come to grips with living in Atlanta and the thoughts that any chance of love here is fading away.
Realistic and engaging it is as the story unfolds; did not have any difficulty in turning the pages; which indicates, that i was enjoying the read
It should do well, in the American chick-lit market. Can see it flying off the racks in the airports.
good luck with it.
tom bye dublin Ireland
oblige if you have time to glance at mine, although it is a different genre, you might like it .

From the Brutal Honesty Group...

I like both of your pitches but I think the long pitch is a little deceiving. I've only read part of the first chapter so I'm not completely sure but it seems like the main character is more concerned with career than love?

The reason I didn't finish before writing my critique is because your writing is on pronoun overload. The following link really helped me to clean up the same flaw in my writing and avoid it as I continue to write. It talks about POV and describing each of the senses the narrator experiences.

http://writeintoprint.blogspot.com/2011/05/inkmuse-scoop-plus-pimp-your-pov.html

I would like to see you do some revising in that area and then let me know so I can have a second look. The way you opened the story intrigued me and I get a sense of an interesting story unfolding but it's hard to get past the writing style. Again, I would like to read more of this if you make some revisions to your POV, so please let me know if you do so.

Hiya

I liked your pitch, you have a good story line here. I read three chapters, and I don't actually have that much to comment on! I liked it. I liked the sharp bits of humour that shone through when Lara was leaving, and also on the plane. Your writing is good. The only thing would say is that the start was a bit slow. I would maybe have liked to see her arriving in Atlanta at the beginning, it felt as though the leaving was quite drawn out. But otherwise, cracking read.

Silva

Anonymous Gift Giver. A BHG Review.
I'm not sure what the cover is trying to convey, but your pitches tell me what to expect, and I am interested to learn how a Nigerian doctor survives in the US. Has she qualified in Africa, I wonder?

Ch.1. I take notes as I write but dont pretend to be an expert.
I have my answer, and a little taste of traditional Nigerian thinking about marriage.

I like the picture you draw of Bimbo's face metamorphosing... you have a way with words, and a natural feel for the mundane - Lara's amusing uncertainty over whether or not to pack that pair of shoes.

You dont want to repeat the word back in the sentence where she got to work on her room with alacrity.
And sometimes I feel there is rather too much use of the first person, which becomes palling. There are many ways a sentence can be turned to avoid a sense of self-centredness.

Oh, I'd forgotten she was a doctor. Thanks for the reminder.

Ch.2. The word time appears twice in the first sentence, but I like the touch of her conforming to the dress mode at Atlanta Airport, and the thick air enveloping her like cobweb. Very interesting first impression of the US, and by the way, you handle the meaning of foreign words in skilful fashion.

Ch.3. The plot races along in easy-going fashion. I have clicked onto Ch.3. without looking at my watch, and my stomach is grumbling.
Traditional Nigeria imposes again - first marriage, and now grandchildren, with the threat of a sick mother. Poor Lara.

All those I's again ... that's the problem with writing in the first person.

I am really enjoying your story. You write with refreshing simplicity and a touch of tongue-in-cheek hu8mour.

I'm not sure what audience you are addressing, though - apart from US chick-lit. I wonder if the UK is the right place to air it?

Good luck with it.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVER

a BHCG review

COVER: Its okay I suppose. I certainly would pass it by if I saw it on a real bookstore shelf. I've always liked amputees so at least that part of it is attractive to me...jk. let me know if I can help you out with a different cover http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: Not really drawing me in...not sure I believe it would for chicklit/women's fiction either? I think you could lose the Anonymous ??

SHORT PITCH: I think its pretty good "quite the struggle" reads a little awkward
LONG PITCH: This is okay as well...something isn't quite as magnetic for me in it as I think it could be...this needs to Compel readers into the book...I'm glad you added that its women fiction and really wish they'd add that as an option to the genres.

TEXT: Its NOT a huge issue but the reason most websites (like Authonomy) default to Arial font instead of TNR is that its easier to read online...you might consider altering your font to it (?) Opening chapter felt long and as if I were being given too much too soon about why she was going to America. I probably only needed a couple paragrapsh at best to establish her friendship with Bimbo, the concerns, the whys, quick goodbyes(if needed at all) and then onward...and seeing as there is next to nothing about Nigeria itself I wonder why bother having it start with her still in Nigeria? Hot off the plane might work better?
Anyway...best of luck with this! feels like its got solid bones.
best,
-=Bradley

BHG Review

Short Pitch: I think you could work on your short pitch to make it clearer. You see, I know who Anonymous is only because I read the long pitch. But assuming that one only reads the short pitch (which may very well be the case) then, it would need to stand alone.

Long Pitch: I liked this. From this pitch I know that the book is about a Nigerian immigrant who starts receiving gifts from an undisclosed gift giver. Hence the title of the book. Have you thought of the alternate title "The Anonymous Gift Giver" ? Don't know why it somehow sounds more complete that way.


Plot: Opening, narrative flow/momentum
I really enjoyed your opening. At first I thought that it would have been nice to see, hear, smell more of Nigeria but this book is about immigration and the bulk of the story is really in Atlanta so I think this is an area that I can't enforce my likes on the author. I enjoyed your characterization of Rotund and his wife. lol. that was one funny scene. I like the visual of Rotund waddling with toilet paper stuck to his shoes. You have a wonderful way with descriptions.
As corny as you end of chapter hook sounds it had me laughing. hubby, hubby, hubby come to mama! lol. This does read like chick lit. I definitely see an audience for it.

So now that I'm curious about what is going to happen in Atlanta I'm moving on to chapter two.

Check this paragraph
**I did it. I had relocated to the USA. It was the beginning of an era and I was going to live my dream. Since my cousin lived in sunny Atlanta, it was an automatic pick.
I feel there is something forced or unnatural about the explanation of why Lara choses Atlanta over any other city. You might want to put this snipet in Chapter one. Like maybe Lara's mom when she's asking for Ola's contacts can make a comment about thank God you are going to stay with her ... or something. Basically, what I'm trying to get at here is that you don't want a reader to realize that you are breaking the flow to feed them backstory/explanations that sort of thing.

** "Hi. It's been ages, coz." I'm sure "coz" is meant to be an abbreviation for cousin, but your readership will not understand this. They'll immediately think its an abbreviation of "because" ... so I suggest writing it out as cuz (even though I understand that may not be the way a Nigerian would pronounce it) or fully "cousin"

Oh My you made me miss Atlanta ... the 85 -- the rotary ... boy, that was like another life time for me.

Chapter two has Lara landing in Atlanta and discovering the new technology, the clean freeways and big houses. Basically it sheds light on the differences between Nigeria and the United States. I believe this is a good introduction esp. coming from an immigrant who I guess has never traveled before (of course had she then she wouldn't have been in so much shock). The end of the chapter is shocking as it brings to light her mother's condition and I found it touching. To think that you are busy flying away to a new life while your mother suffers a heart attack is just just awful. You managed to capture my sympathies here :(

Now just some observations

Pacing: I have no issues with pacing. We might want a little more backstory than you've currently provided. I don't feel after two chapters I have a clue about what she really wants in life other than finding a mate and I think practicing medicine (though its not very clear in the two chapters either ... and it should be if it is a focal point)

Characters/Characterization: You have painted them well. Bimbo, Lara, Ola ... seem to have their distinctive personalities.

Point of View/POV: First person POV works for this genre. You use it very well.

Sentence Level - pretty polished. I didn't see grammatical errors

Dialogue - authentic.

Wish you all the very best with this!

Thanks JD for a detailed review. I really appreciate it. It's funny because just this evening, I went back and worked on chapter one again, filling in some 'holes' like you called it. Honestly, the story is more about the man/woman dynamics but everyone is so excited about the emigrating that it's been getting bigger and bigger. That's not the primary story. I've also been here in the US eleven years. As an MD, she does not see fat as beautiful. She sees fat as a heart attack! Purely health reasons now and not esthetics. And in Nigeria, gone are the days when fat was beautiful like you say. Maybe in SA, it's different. Lol. But yes, I will keep working on it and tightening it up. You're right. Chapter one has gotten longer and longer and now has to become 2 chapters at least like you suggested. She is not an impoverished African. I refuse to feed into that stereotype of every African being that way. She does have her surprising moments and they unfold in chapter two. But everything can't be in the first chapter though. Lol. I have been told that you cannot fill chapter one with so much backstory, especially with chick lit, since it's not literary fiction. So I'm not sure about that. Once again, thank you for the constructive criticism. Getting better and better by the day. :)

PS: Bimbo is short for Abimbola. It means "Born into wealth" and is a beautiful name. It's not a nickname at all. It's a Yoruba name. I might add a glossary of names and some phrases later. Lol.

Hi Stella

This is your BHG review. Please note that these are merely my opinions so use them or discard them at will. I come at this story with a similar one your character and to you as I was born in SA and immigrated to the UK 12 years ago. This review is on the first chapter. I may come across as negative and brutal but that is not my intent and please understand that I have a self-deprecating humour and a sarcastic wit, so what seems patronising may only be a misguided attempt at humour.

Pitch: I like your short pitch. It's snappy, to the point and reels you in. I like your long pitch but it needs to be neatened up a bit. It's just not a snappy as your short pitch.

Chapter 1: It needs a lot of toning and weeding but you have a good base to start from. I am, however,disconnected with the story and it is way too long. This one chapter can quite easily be three. I will treat each part as it's own chapter.
Part 1: Who is she and where is she? You say her old bedroom but where? Put me on the map. You are giving me an invitation into someone's life, their home but I can't go because I have no idea where they live or who they are so I can't even ask for directions. You definitely have the characters experiencing the right emotions but they are not strong enough. Especially when someone is that against you going. This part needs to be cleaned up a bit and expanded on significantly. It's too fast. You definitely have the questioning down. Why are you running away is an excellent one. No one seems to understand that you aren't necessarily leaving, just going somewhere else. It's no different to moving towns really. The name Bimbo needs to be reconsidered. It may be a Nigerian nickname but has far too many negative meanings to be taken seriously. And what's with the obsession with getting married? It distracts me completely from her agony of leaving everything behind. In fact, you seem to take more time explaining that to me than her emigrating. It's like having a wonderful meal and then you slop tomatoe sauce on top. I know what you are trying to show the reader but when you are embarking on a new journey, that is the only thing on your mind. Also, this obsession shows her to be very insecure of herself. She is a doctor and more than likely had a few requests for marriage by now. She will be seen to be an excellent prospect and a wealthy one. A good catch. What kind of background does she come from? This may sound like a stupid question but as an African (and I'm white) I have been asked the most ridiculous questions regarding Africa. EG. Do we still live in mud huts? Or do we have elevators? My answer was, no we have a bucket on a rope. They completely missed the point that if we still lived in mud huts we wouldn't need elevators! And my personal favourite, did I have lions and tigers in my back garden? Don't ask, I tried not to figure out the logic. The reason I'm telling you all this is because the worlds perception of Africa is about 100 years out of date. So a black can't go to university and study to be a doctor because there is no such thing in Africa. And as for a wealthy black, well that must be a leader or a chieftan because all the others run around in loin clothes. Like I said out dated. Explain her background because not everyone has the option to go to uni let alone study medicine. That requires some serious cash. Also, give me her reasons for emigrating. They are very relevant as each person leaves for different reasons. It needs to have a lot more back story to start off with. Slow down and remove the fast forward button. Another thing you need to sonvey is her sense of fear and the craving for acceptance. You want to go but with everyone's blessing.
Part 2: Boom bang gone. I'm saying goodbye, I'm on a plane, I'm here, hooray. Not quite. There are tons of emotions going through your head before you get on that plane. You go from shit scared to exhiliarated to freaking terrified to wanting to call your mother and that's just at check in. Next you actually see the plane and it's terrifying because you've probably never seen one this close before. A 747 I mean. There's also what it represents. This is D-day in many ways. A milestone. A day you will never forget a single day in your life and one you can remember every second of until you die. You are like child going into it's first sweet shop. And worse, you're doing all of this alone. so there's no one to give you the courage to do this. All you have is the conviction that it's the right thing to do weighed against everyone else telling you you're crazy. The strength to get on that plane has to come from you. Tell me about her milestone, show me the first steps of her journey. The first steps of any journey are the most important.
Part 3: Again with the marriage obsession. You're on a honking big plane heading into who knows what. The last thing you care about right now is some dude you may never meet. Your first priorites are landing (preferabely textbook but you've heard stories), getting through the border (you've come all this way and you do NOT want to get kicked out), finding your stuff, getting to your hotel and settling into life somewhere else. That's it. Anything else is not even a thought. You crave normality. And you don't sleep, not even for a second. you are too busy taking everything in. It's like being 9 months all over again. Oooh, that dot is a city. Oooh a bird. OMG I'm above a cloud. On reflection, it's ridiculous what you look at but at the time, different story. You have a fat guy sitting next to you and you couldn't care less. Besides, if he gets too friendly or space hogging an African will put him back in his place. There's a zero tolerance for bullshit. You've dealt with worse. Believe me, he is a pleasure. Then you're going through the airport and what? The biggest thing that happened was the guy had toilet paper on his shoe? You're in another country. No going back and you're terrified/exhilirated/ all emotions under the sun. A husband would even become a thousandth thought. You watch everything, you take in everything. Not even jet lag has the audacity to show its face. And OMG, you get outside and you just stare. You keep having to pinch yourself that you are really there. Remember that, although you have emigrated, you are still very much a tourist and that will never leave you. I'm still a tourist and I've been here 12 years.

opening - does it draw us in, does it set the scene, does it make us want to read further? .
No. It's way too fast, glosses over things it should explain and doesn't convey the strength of fear or conviction of the MC. Nor does it tell me anything about the character, her upbringing, her reasons for leaving or identifies her in anyway.

Point of view -has the right view been used, continuation of the POV thoughout, does each character have it's own POV?
First person is difficult. I'm using it as well so I understand. You use it beautifully.

narration - Description of location, scene, characters actions, indication of characters thoughts, backstory.
None. This is the one thing in the whole story that's lacking and it's the one thing that makes a story. Definitely needs to be considered.

Plot - Is the story believable, does it flow from one point to another nicely, exposition, clarity?
Plot is understood right from the start. She's emigrating. That's it. There's no why. She's at home, she's on a plane and she's there.

genre - does the story conform to the genre, ie, if it's billed as a thriller does it read like a thriller?
Chick lit without a doubt but could possibly be classed a coming of age story. It's also more of an adventure.

Flow/pace - Is it too fast or too slow, does it have the right impact in the correct places, where has it gone wrong?
Way too fast. Your too excited about getting to the action you miss the action. Slow down, tell me about her journey. They usually have a beginning before they get good. Tell me hers.

characters - are they real, do they react in a realistic way, do they have their own voice, style?
Strong, independant, determined. A great character but obsessed with love. For me the love story is an sub story and should happen more naturally. Like the short pitch says: She's struggling to juggle the culture shock, career, faith and finding love; then "Anonymous" shows up. I think she has enough on her plate with having to worry about a phantom would -be hubby. If I a was a guy I would run a mile from needy.

Sentence level - grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases, punctuation, spelling,
A few things could be neatened up but we'll worry about that latter. Let's get the story first. Anything else would be rushing.

Dialogue - does this make sense, is it real, is it necessary, can we understand a character?
The inner dialogue is rushed. You need to take your time with this. Also Bimbo doesn't really convey the strong feelings of abandonment that the people left behind feel. The feeling of 'so I'm not good enough'.

Originality - Have I read something similar before, is it unique, is it a new take on a current theme?
Absolutely original. Although I am not a chick lit lover (I'm more sci-fi, action) I do love this story but then I'm biased. I always enjoy reading other peoples perception of a similar experience.

Publishability - is there a genre, is it polished enough, how much work does it need?
Absolutely. Once the gapping holes have been filled I can definitely see this on a shelf at Waterstones.

overall - this is the reviewers overall take on the story as a whole. What do they feel once they have read it, what they would like to see happen within the story.
Your story has great potential but you rush it too much. I equate it too cutting a diamond. At first you have a rock. It is only once you know it's flaws can you cut a diamond worth millions. One wrong cut and the diamond is worthless. You have that rock, now let's find it. I have read the below comment you made to Janny and alhough I understand what you are saying I need to point out that you run the risk of alienating your potential readers. You can still get your story across whilst engaging your readers. You don't need to change your culture, you just have to put it across in a way that everyone can relate to. Your book may be fiction but it is also written to educate. Another thing that bugged me a little was the line Janny quoted: ‘I’m fat. You need to save me from American food.’ To an African fat is beautiful. It shows wealth and prosperity. So this rang a little untrue to me.

After writing so much I decided to only stay with the first chapter on this review or the poor website may crash. I also ask you to forgive my comments if they seem to negative or patronising. This was not my intent at all. I have Africa in my blood so I feel very passoniate about stories written about it, not to mention the experience of emigrating. You have a wonderful story once I dig it out. Your character is smart, determined, strong. Everything we want in a character but she needs to defined more. Right now I ahve read the synopsis and I look forward to reading the story.

Kind regards
JD

Thanks Janny! I will take all these into consideration as I continue to edit and tighten up the story. It is nowhere near perfect yet. It is multicultural women's fiction so it will be different from anything on the mainstream market. And while certain things may not have any meaning or much of a hook for some, it does for the intended audience because they can relate. The name like you deduced is a Nigerian name and one of the reasons why I have decided not to change it is this. If I change everything in the book that the mainstream market does not understand, it will not be what it is anymore. It needs to have things in it that will remain true to my culture, be shocking, be unusual. Once again, I appreciate the read and detailed commentary. :D

Hi Stella,

This a BHCG review. My apologies for taking so long.

Title – hmm I’m not sure. It doesn’t grab me but it doesn’t put me off either.

Short pitch – I like this. Snappy and lets me know what’s in store if I read on.

Long pitch – Nothing to add here. It’s missing a bit of Umph but it still entices me to continue reading.

I’m just going to comment as I read now, I hope this is ok with you?

Ch 1. I like the scene of the two girls chatting in the bedroom but they do seem to be talking them self around in circles. I read a lot of women’s fiction and I always look to be hooked in the opening paragraph but I’m afraid I wasn’t here. I like where you are going but the conversation between both characters is boring me a little ( I think this could be very good if just tidied up, maybe read it out loud to yourself and see if you agree with me? )

As I’m sure you know, calling someone a Bimbo here implies lack of intelligence, but I don’t think you mean the name in a derogatory sense, so I assume it’s a nick name or a native Nigerian name?

‘My head was being hammered even worse now than when I got my hair done earlier’ Lol I really like this line. Very funny and great imagery.

The dialogue starts to flow much better from here on in and I really feel I am getting to know Lara…and like her.

Ch 2
Some nice little hints of chick lit humour when she steps off the plane. I like this and it draws me into the story. I like that it is written in the first person. It is helping me connect with Lara but for some reason I am struggling to get a sense of your other characters just yet.

‘I’m fat,’ You need to save me from American food.’ Another great line. I laughed.

The sudden shock of illness at the end of ch 2 really hooked me. Now I have to continue. I feel so sorry for Lara and I can understand her guilt.

Over all I really like your concept and you did hooked me in but it took some time. If I picked this up in a store I may have put it down before I got to the hook and that’s a pity because I would miss a great story.

I’m not too sure where this would fit in the market (but then again, what do I know). It’s not your typical women’s fiction but that may be an advantage. Something fresh and new could be just what the genre needs.

Janny

Folake,

There is only one way to describe your presentation of the interaction between Bimbo and Lara in Chapter 1...vivid and real. Your writing came out real, vivid and enjoyable. You have chosen a topic that will attract young men to find out what really goes on in the female mind in this kind of situation. Yours is an exciting plot, and I sincerely hope that "Anonymous" does not win solely on the basis of his gifts.

Good luck with your work.

Gabriel (It Goes On Forever)

Your review is appreciated, Lara.

BHC group review

You start on a dramatic point, Bimbo's decided to make her move but she has to face opposition and emotional turmoil. This would make a better impact if you left the dialogue to tell this and drop the phrases outside of the dialogue explaining things to the reader. Let the dialogue do all that for you. Your dialogue is fine..

When Bimbo rushes to the bathroom in a panic state, we need to understand the background better . That's the place to give the back story so that her panicky feelings are fully understood. You tell some of it, but patches alongside the dialogue and elsewhere. Why not put it all in one place and as a flashback. That's more immediate and exciting to read.

The plot continues well. It is a dramatic time. You have an appealing character. Her innocence and desire to do well means that many readers will identify with her. I liked the interview scene but it tails off weakly. If James leads her around the corridors, it should be for some purpose. Again, when he hires her, he would say a little more on the phone. You have some ambiguities here. He's described as young, geeky but then she admires and respects him. She wonders if he's checking her out, but surely that's what the interview is for anyway?

Keep on with this, and don't try to be literary using fine words. Bimbo is an innocent well-meaning character. Let her thoughts and way of speaking dominate your novel. Then it will be great.

Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

Thank you Steve. I really appreciate the attention you gave to the read and will take your comments under advisement. By the way, those are Nigerian (Yoruba) names. It is multicultural women's fiction! Lol. :)

Stella - the BHCG read I promised. I've no literary training nor have I ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish. Would add I'm also not a normal chick lit reader, have enjoyed a few, and have some positive comments on my feedback.

We're supposed to comment on the short and long synopsis. I've no comments.

Chapter 1. The name Bimbo for me was a negative; I try to avoid them, but other than that the read started smoothly. If this is your first upload, there are some minor edits but far better than my original one in terms of typos (minimal); perhaps some tightening still remains but not too much.

The scene itself flows very smoothly, neat dialogue, growing perception by the reader of the two characters, and perhaps Bimbo is living up to her name. You've added a human touch, to them both; lara being angry one minute later rationalising her feelings about Bimbo's size, all neatly done.

The Chapter as you've uploaded it is too long though. The opening Chapter must grab agents or they'll reach for another, so we're told here, perhaps even the first paragraph - I have read that on some agents websites. I'd suggest you read through again. What I feel you've done elegantly enough is to introduce us to Lara,and the supporting cast, but not the story, other than she is relocating. A Chapter needs to be short and attention grabbing with a reason to turn the page. I'm no great lover of Chick lit, but those final two lines about the husband selection process I felt were good. It just took me too long to get there.

Chapter 2. You can write. That whole second paragraph is very much chick lit - in my inexperienced view. It set Lara out as a person and her aims,and then her interest in the xy chromosomes, is also a neat touch. Have to say though the choice of names for characters aren't working for me - I've just lost Bimbo and am now moving to bola and cant stop thinking about e-bola. But maybe thats chick lit.

The dialogue is your strong point and certainly differentiates the characters as we meet them, but the supporting descriptive scenes are also working well.

I read through to the end of Chapter 3 and her attempts to apply for jobs. My opinion of the writing remains, and that the flow is there, without any grunting pauses. But what i feel is lacking is pace and an early hook. I've read 3 Chapters and not seen anything, other than those two lines at the end of Chapter 1 that really grab me. I'm looking for something more than just an introduction to Lara, something that makes we wonder/hope/ about her future. I enjoyed the read well enough but as a reader I didn't feel emotionally committed as perhaps I could have been.

I do trust that makes sense, especially as you've just joined Authonomy. Certainly don't change anything without taking on feedback from others. Also be aware almost everyone goes through the editing process and you can certainly write well enough. It's that extra pull I missed. I'll give you shelf time and see how this develops. Best. Steve.

Red, I am so honored you would make the time to read my work. Your comment is much appreciated. :)

The toilet paper made me laugh. Well written. will definately get back to this one will try and make room on Wl in the near future Good luck
Red

The toilet paper made me laugh. Well written. will definately get back to this one will try and make room on Wl in the near future Good luck
Red

The toilet paper made me laugh. Well written. will definately get back to this one will try and make room on Wl in the near future Good luck
Red