Rubber Ring

This is very good stuff! The opening chapter is quite creepy, with a strong voice and tone. The run-on style of writing works well here, putting us in the character's head. Your writing overall is clean, sharp and literary. I'm not sure how it'll hold up throughout, but the first couple chapters are very promising. If I was to tinker, I'd look for ways to get some dialog in there, just to break up the narrative with a little variety, but what you've got is all beautifully done. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Well, I'll tell you, this is worth reading all the way through. I just finished, and at the end it felt like I was on some wild carnival ride. I was expecting some of it, but I was not expecting that ending.

Amazing insight throughout this work; I think it's brilliant and horrifying and complex. I didn't quite see the comedy you say is there, but regardless this was a fine two evenings of reading. You made my every hair stand on end.

I have a few typo comments for you which I will message privately if you like.

Wow. This reads like a real book...I don't have anything nit picky. I think the story is interesting...the prose is so well written...
I'll keep cruising through it throughout the next few days

I dont like the capitalisation to start chapter one. I read three chapters and liked the premise but missed any dilouge I;m sure this will stand on premise alone

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One foot in the jungle

I was drawn into reading Rubber Ring because of your pitch. It is concise and gives out just enough information needed without waffling. The first chapter was wonderful. I love the way you build up the tension between the man following the woman and the fact that he was sure she was aware of his presence. The shock ending where she just walks into the water was so chilling and disturbing it left me thinking about it for quite some time after I read it. It is obvious that you are a very talented writer. This is a book that I would hope gets published because it is unusual and unique and makes a refreshing change from the mainstream novels that usually grace our bookstore shelves. Very well done and six well deserved stars.

Kim (Pain)

Up to chap7.
Beguiling read Martin. It stays with you when you are away from it. And you don't want to be away from it for long.
Deserves a much higher rating. I don't think you do enough 'Order-Of-the-Brown-Nosing' on this site which is probably the reason.. .Far less merited storys higher up on networking alone.
I'll be back.
John

Hello Martin.
Chaps 1-4.
Today I've been really lucky in reading some great writing (and seemingly following Emma 'Louise on Life' around) and this is no exception. I was attracted to the title-like the Smiths-and the thoroughly englishness of the sweeping premise. I see that FrancesK and WizW are fans, both fantastic writers.
And I'd put you up there with them.
Controlled, assured and slightly anarchic (re the student) prose that drops like stones down a well.
The story is engrossing. You start the journey with the MC and feel stimulated and involved. I plan to read more, I know that's stated often and disingenuously on this site, but I really do.
My meagre, mealy-mouthed crticisms: lid that lay flaccidly' 'craven mass'. This paragraph strays a bit into over-wordiness.
'to go into psychology' . This is a greyzone I know but as a gp and prev med student I'll give me two pennies worth. I think the more correct discipline would be psychiatry and with that forensic psychiatry. A medical course would be slanted towards 'disease of the mind' rather than study of its component parts which is what, I think, psychology is geared towards. Ignore this if you want but if you wanted to discuss it leave a message.
Fantastic read Martin and my Thanks.
Highly starred and on WL.
John
Dropping Babies.

Blimey, this seems so effortlessly intelligent and well-written that I'm not sure I should even be commenting on it. Your opening scene is truly haunting and I already have a real sense of Martin, seeking solace in the library, brushing pastry crumbs off his only suit, he's a beautifully drawn character. The only criticism I have is that some of the dialogue seems overly wordy, and not quite as natural as the rest of your writing. Starred and on my WL.

Mainlining directly into the vein of my nightmares, this Kafkaesque psychodrama is chilling, intelligent, teasing and unputdownable - I've just read straight through all the chapters. My brain meanwhile was whizzing with questions and possibilities - are Michael and Martin one and the same, was my first one, then I fell into each of the traps you so neatly set, accepting realities that were illusions, my brain writhing along with the serpentine streams of consciousness of your narrators. It has a curiously Eastern European feel to it, despite being so firmly set in England - I remember a story about a dissident who simulates insanity to avoid the gulags, then realises that lunatic asylums are where the KGB puts all the dissidents once he is locked inside for ever. I absolutely adore this, it has total authenticity coupled with an increasingly manic storyline - well done. [I trained in psychodrama and did many case conferences at psychiatric hospitals where it was often apparent that the lunatics were running the asylum]. And I love your pedantic, old-fashioned, elegant voice for Martin, a young man in his twenties but resonant of the nineteenth century [Jekyll and Hyde of course also came to mind].
Just a few small things - your first two chapters have different narrators, yet it took me a while to realise this. I have a published book [MICKA] entirely narrated by two boys, and although their voices are totally different, there is something about the discipline of the font that makes your brain try and fit them together. In this book, where you are playing with identities, it would help to have slightly different fonts for Martin and Michael, The third strand of first person narrative, the receptionist at the hospital in Manchester, was unhelpful; she never appears again [unless she turns out to be Catherine], but I couldn't cope with another person's mindset at that point. And your chapters 7, 15 and passim as the unknown omniscient narrator - I was trying to fit these into the minds of one of the protagonists and decided eventually that these chapters are a pool of conjoined Jungian unconscious into which either Martin or Michael, or possibly Gonzo and Mallory too - occasionally dip, If this is wrong, you need to assign an identity to those chapters [where a change of font might also help the reader].
Watch out for typos - draw for drawer and the odd it's should be its - and I'm not sure you can adopt a discipline into your life - maybe something like 'I decided to accept the restraint of discipline in my life' [which would tie in ironically when he is forcibly restrained later on]... Not too sure about the title - it doesn't grab me and doesn't do justice to the book.
Six stars and a shelving, absolutely. Best of luck with this one. Just realised your own name is Martin, too...?

I'm glad I started reading this. I find the MC fascinating. His solitary existence is filled with details that bring him off the page and I am interested in finding out more about him and the effect the suitcase contents will have.

Having just completed chapter 7 and I remain unsure about the alternating chapter structure and whether it would be work better (structurally) if the diary/notes weren't begun until later (possibly after chapter 6, when he puts them in some sort of order). I find the diary chapters a distraction and am more interested in the current story (I want to get to know him better first and how he will react to the contents). As he is very analytical, the diary chapters might work better if they were introduced in some way by the MC. This insight would help to bind the two threads together. The absent minded professor strikes me as a bit of cliche and it would have more comedic value if he didn't conform to the stereotype. In terms of comedy, I am not sure this is coming through (for me)

I want to read on and will add further comments if I think of anything worth saying. Hope my thoughts are some use.

Martin
One of the most powerful openings I've read anywhere. In fact, the narrator's voice here reminded me of Engleby (not sure if you've read it? Wonderful novel by Sebastian Faulks). The same sense of underlying horror evoked as the scene unfolds through the eyes of this unreliable narrator.
Moving onto the second chapter, the plot of the written notes in the suitcase is intriguing. Also, I studied Psychology at university and the way you describe that transition from the first to second year is so right!
And I love the subtle way you link the ending of the first two chapters, thereby linking the two narrators in your reader's mind.
Similarly, the shift back in the next chapter is faultess. I've only got this far but would love to come back sometime and read more. This is so well-written. A great plot, so well-written and utterly compelling. Six stars and you'll be on my shelf as soon as there's space.
Sheila

My kind of book. I was there, living it from the off. Beautifully controlled and crafted writing. And a compelling storyline. Great stuff.

Does writing this good really need to be pointed out by an Authonomy administrator? Apparently it does. I can't believe it's been here nearly a year and only got 2 shelves! Dark, haunting, disturbing and edgily voyeuristic, this grabbed me by the unmentionables and never let go. Great first chapter, Martin. I'll be back for more later.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Six stars and on my shelf. Simply stunning. I was so absorbed by this I dropped everything to read as far as the fourth chapter. Right from the get-go you had me hooked, starting with an intriguing opening sentence. It has been a privilege to read this first here on Authonomy as unless there really is no justice in the world, very soon this has to be picked up by an agent or publisher..... Chapter 3 3rd paraOpening sentence should it be 'It occured,'? LN

An absolutely stunning pitch. This is on my watchlist and I'll read as soon as I can
Sheila

Terrific stuff, Martin. On my shelf.

This really is one of the most original, accomplished pieces of work I've read over the years on authonomy. The prose is just so smooth with a nicely judged balance between original and unsettling imagery/phrasing and simple and direct storytelling. It's also very funny in places (love the footnotes!) with a good blend of wry, often quite melancholic comedy and absurdism. Nicely done. The various narrative voices feel distinct and fully-formed and lend the opening to the novel an appropriately surreal, fragmented feel. To be honest, I have no idea where the narrative is going but I'm perfectly content to go with the flow at this stage and immerse myself in this strange but beautifully evoked world.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and works well to flesh out the various characters and add energy to the scenes. It's clearly a personal thing, but I'm not that keen on dialogue without speech marks, tho. As a reader, it feels like a rather gimmicky authorial device and removes me from the moment. Can't you use speech marks but leave the dialogue freestanding?

My only other suggestion would be - solely for the purposes of authonomy - to perhaps think about re-punctuating your opening chapter. While I quite liked the lack of commas and run-on sentences (reflecting, as it does, the disjointed, fractured mental state of the narrator) it does make for quite a challenging read and may deter casual readers on the site. Alternatively, you may end up with lots of comments telling you your grammar is up the spout. Just a thought.

In short, a stylish, confident, very original opening. Thanks and best of luck. A

Martin,

You have a fascinating and original premise, which has, for the most part, been handled with real assuredness throughout the chapters I have managed to read.

I am equally seduced by all the voices in your book which evolve distinctly and with a real sense of personality. Interestingly, for me, is the fact that it is the psychology student’s story that I find the most disquieting. There is something about the unobvious unravelling of a mind that is both unnerving and sinister, even as it attempts to differentiate itself from the madness of the material he has been saddled with. In his story I saw another emerging theme of “acceptable madness” which sat alongside the conventional perception of madness-as-savagery that we see demonstrated by Michael and Gonzo. There is a real sense of “there but for the Grace of God” in his story, and in it, a genuinely subtle but terrifying tone.

The structure of the novel invites the reader to be complicit with this unravelling, both mentally and narratively, but I was sometimes concerned that its rather random nature sometimes threatened to tip over into chaos. I am absolutely prepared to spend the time with this; to keep my wits about me, and revisit passages as needed, but I do wonder if in more general terms it might be a little too much like hard work for some.

It might be worth considering whether a more easily navigated structure might work better for you; even a subtle opener to the different voices that would orient the reader more so that they didn’t feel completely lost at times.

Your language is wonderful throughout and the dialogue, where it exists, is authentic and very effective at conveying a sense of personality, class and education. The comedy is subtle; which for me is fine, but might be missed by some.

The biggest thing that didn’t work for me were the rather sprawling philosophical passages which represented another “voice” in the book. For me, these were passages of ideas and authorial passions and threatened to seem like self-conscious polemic. I do think there are fascinating and important ideas contained within them, but I sometimes felt assaulted by the amount of them, and the very dense language in which they were expressed.

I would really recommend that you take a look at Austin Wright’s excellent “Tony and Susan” which I have also been praising to another literary author on the site. It is a fantastic example of authorial control which manages to get across its considerable themes whilst never losing the reader to polemic. Above all, it is a remarkable treatise on the nature of reading itself, and the way we become complicit as readers. Recently re-released by its publishers it is well worth a visit.

These are my opening thoughts for now. I am going to continue with the book and see where it takes me. I am sure the ride will continue to be thrilling and I wish you the very best with your future revisions. Backed with pleasure.

Wiz
A Small Death
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38849/a-small-death/

Ps. With a title like that, I assume that you are a Smiths fan? (Love that song!)

'A not unattractive girl I had never seen before' (?) A bit John Major-ish that. The precise and stolidly enunciated words, create an image of a man removed from his feelings, or anything else, until he engages with her.
A slightly self-deprecating character and an intriguing one. Have only read the first chap, but vaguely remember this one from earlier. The fastidious handling of this opener hints of messiness and chaos ahead.
I look forward to reading more; fine writing with a gentle spike in the telling. Something bubbles beneath the surface.
Admired; 'his eyes wheeling sightlessly.....'. Not bowed by metaphor. efficient.
Watch-listed and starred, saved for later.

Billie

You should get some reads for this.

Rubber Ring
Fiction, Literary fiction; 1st person interwoven w/ another character's 1st person

The premise of the story is unique, examining the mind's flexibility and reality through a student's extracurricular assignment of examining a suitcase of notes written by a physiatric patient.

The pitch is engaging, and inviting, well written.

I've read all the way through Chapter 6, (exceptional for me, as I tend to read only the first 2 or 3 chapters) and found the story to be very intriuging with a unique and believable style. The MC's disertation is dry and factual. The patient's work is extreme, with memoirs vividly described by a person of questionable clarity. That the author easily switched between these two styles to build a story and intertwined the plot is simply genius! It is a complex plot, written in a manner that keeps the reader guessing and questioning and wondering.

The mechanics are not perfect ;between the lack of punctuation in the chapters written by the patient contrasting with the student's very correct writing (for the most part). I would recommend using quotation marks around the dialogs as it was somewhat confusing. But at the same time, I wondered if this was intentional, forcing the reader to mind-bend. If so, it does work and is an interesting approach to accomplish the intended effect. On the other hand, it might be a turn-off for most readers.

As the student progresses, the style is gradually becoming less stark, less dry and more emotional. It tells how this person is being affected by the research and reading of the insane prose. The insane prose becomes more factual and more readable through the course of the story. Fantastic.

The first person aspect is handled deftly.

A compelling read. I think the readership would be quite wide.

Raechel
Echo

I read your first two Authonomy chapters.

General comments: A captivating start. A fascinating main character. Good descriptions. Thought-provoking narrative. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on Authonomy chapter one:
1) 'Beyond this all is false.' A rather sweeping, thought-provoking statement that pulled me out of your narrative. I'm not sure I agree with it. That's no problem because I am reading with an open mind.
2) 'It is in the slow majesty of nature that the pulse of time may be heard.' Beautiful, lyrical writing.

Specific comments on Authonomy chapter two:
1) 'It was the first page ... ' Does 'it' refer to what is written in Authonomy chapter one? If so, consider making 'it' more clear. For example, 'The thought-provoking essay on time was the first page ... '
2) 'It sort of slithered out ...' Consider deleting 'sort of.' For me, 'sort of' didn't add much to the image of slithering.
3) ' ... had little or no impact on the events the took place several years later.' The second 'the' should be 'that.'
4) The lack of conventional punctuation around dialogue led me to confusion as to when the dialogue concludes and the narrative picks up. That confusion pulls me out of your story.
5) 'As the compulsion to understand the tattered manuscript ... intensified' is telling. I would have liked to see this compulsion manifest itself so I could experience it along with the character.
6) ' ... so any connexion I had with my previous interests diminished.' 'Connexion' is a spelling discontinued by "The Times of London" in the 1980's. It is now more obscure, than obsolete. The unusual spelling pulled me out of your story to look it up.
7) Put a question mark at the end of the sentence starting 'How could I now return to the library and immerse myself ... '
8) ' ... imagining the roomful of eager undergraduates that would no doubt be gathering ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
9) 'I was possible I had the wrong house, ... ' The first 'I' should be 'It.'
10) ' ... so was wearing the dark suit that I had been bought five years earlier ... ' Remove 'been' from this sentence.
11) 'I held the letter up the porch light ... ' Insert 'to' after 'up.'
12) 'The ground they cover when you back's turned.' 'You' should be 'your.'
13) Start a new paragraph with the sentence that starts 'I nodded, smiling pointlessly, ... ' Each time you shift the focus to a different character, start a new paragraph. There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al