Changeling

Just read chapter 1. I really like it. It feels like something a bit weird is about to happen, but you're not sure what. Very attractive and makes me want to read more.

I also like the use of italics after dialogue to show what's going on in her head. Is that something you invented or is it a standard way of writing that I haven't seen before.

I'll post more when I've read more chapters, I can't read too much at once, as I'm REALLY not a fan of reading form a computer screen.

Just read chapter 1. I really like it. It feels like something a bit weird is about to happen, but you're not sure what. Very attractive and makes me want to read more.

I also like the use of italics after dialogue to show what's going on in her head. Is that something you invented or is it a standard way of writing that I haven't seen before.

I'll post more when I've read more chapters, I can't read too much at once, as I'm REALLY not a fan of reading form a computer screen.

I enjoyed Chapter 1. The opening paragraphs give us a nice glimpse of Jenny's character (the BMX; the shed; the generally independent spirit). I liked the detail about the socks in the slippers; I also liked the trick with the hair and the mirror and I look forward to seeing some more of Jake.

You seem fond of comma splices. I recommend you get a little more generous to the semi colon. Also, you have a typo in the phrase "get back AT Jake." I'm not a big fan of the "probably" paragraph. Specifically, I'm not a fan of your adverb placement or the "probably" in three consecutive sentences. Also, I didn't care for the very first sentence. I was concerned, upon reading that sentence, that I was in store for a chapter of purple prose, but after that first sentence your imagery became more delicate and more effective.

More importantly, you carried me into your book and brought me into Jenny's world with ease. You also set up nicely some intrigue with the big house and Mrs. Morgan and left me wondering what their place in the story will be. I shall read on.

I'm up to reading chapter 5 :) I like the way the woods are described at the beginning in a very visual style, and quite poetic, but there's a great sense of the bleakness of Jenny's situation - that the surroundings have very little impact on her initially. Focused as she is on her recent upheaval and discomfort/conflicts at home.

Following that, I'm glad that the story quickly got to the subject of magic. It was easier to grasp than a lot of YA magic-meets-the-real-world stories, by having the situation accepted already in her new community - making Jenny the alien to the situation. I liked the idea that magic was part of living in the countryside (not too far from the truth either) ;)

I like your depiction of female YA characters - very realistic, not caricatured or over-commercialised into mini-WAGs which are turning up a lot in teen novels - would appeal to tomboy readers and boys as well. There's a lot of active history still being played out in western culture that could be inspired here.

Still reading and hope it gets noticed in the Chicken competition!

Lisa

I really loved your story. Very discriptive. I love the way you write, it floast along very smoothly. A very enjoyable read.

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

Took a bit of time before the story flowed. I think the introduction of 'Hob' made the biggest impact for me because the pattern of the story reminded me of the railway children. Two girls and one boy with their mother in tow moving to a new place and settling in. This isn't criticism, the purest form of writing is originality to push the mind to its limits and beyond. When a writer covers a track, that has been trodden, in books film and television a connection might be made, however modern or contemporary the characterizations. For me personally, the railway children connection was a slight distraction, until the character of 'Hob' arrived. I enjoyed the first three chapters, however I found chapter three slightly messy in places.

Chapter three.

The merest hint of a breeze tickled her cheek and ruffled her hair, she could hear the distant cows lowing ( lowing?)
Some sort of birds cawing (cawing?)
And there was a road with traffic flashing specks of sunlight at her, and another, ( another road, or more traffic, another car, another what, a bit confusing.)
There was a river, there was a lake. ( which is it)
There was an old man standing a couple of feet away at least jenny thought he was a man, it was hard to tell from a face that was a mass of wrinkles with two twinkling eyes and a hooky nose standing a couple of feet away. ( We know already he was a couple of feet away.

Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Hello! I only had time to read three chapters at the moment but, I have to say I really enjoyed it. The first sentence in chapter one was so descriptive,albeit a bit long, but still a fantastic choice of words and cadence. I really enjoy the characters, you have a bit of everything. There is an apparent change in Jenny that you can see even in just the first three chapters as she copes and explores the new surroundings. This has a good pace and keeps you interested to say the least. I will say that when you have a new sections within the chapters they are kind of abrupt and leave you with a feeling of ... wait did I miss something? I think that if you put a little more of a transition into the sections within the chapters and at the beginning of the second, third and fourth chapters to keep the flow of your writing. Oh and there is a section in chapter three where you wrote "Lizzy" instead of "Jenny". Other than that I really enjoyed this, it is certainly going to be on my bookshelf for a while. Good Luck!
-Anna
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KA,
"Changeling" can be designatedf an art piece, the way you built your narrative on vivid descriptives with poetic flourishes. Certainly riding along on Jenny's POV was a delight getting frontseat viewing of her escapades while she went through her makeover from urbanite to country bumpkin. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi KA

An AWB crit of Changeling follows - the usual criteria apply, and please remember this is my personal view, and any comments that I make can be freely ignored.

Having said that, I really enjoyed reading Changeling - I'm just sorry it took me longer than was originally planned. As a result though I ended up having to reread the first 5 chapters, and some of my initial thoughts were resolved on a second reading - and personally I love books that I can return to and re-read time and again.

I've deliberately ignored typos etc, as that is the work of the editor when it gets to that stage.

In the first couple of chapters I struggled to get to grips with Jenny, and the family situation - maybe I didn't absorb it as well as I could have, but the situation that they find themselves in, for me, needs to have a little more introduction in the first few chapters. We know that they have had to move, but we only seem to find out why in the scene between Jenny and Bella - but if I missed something then I apologise.

Having said that I've ignored typo's there is one at the start of Section 3 within Chapter 3, where the sentence starts "Lizzy" - having read this a couple of times it appears that the character concerned is actually Jenny?

In the same section there are some corking lines - a particular favourite was concerning Jenny "her brain played catch up with her ears" - a fantastic line, and a situation I've found myself in at times...

In the scene where Jenny and Bella are together in Jenny's room, and Hob finally speaks, I think you could ramp up the fear factor here - it is there, but maybe needs to be brought to the forefront a little more?

Finally, in Chapter 10 you refer to Alice, and there is no mention of who she is?

Only other point - you have some wonderful, descriptive prose here, that really feeds the imagination, and you also incorporate smells well (the apples that Marly offers for example) - I would love to see more of that in the descriptions when they first enter the Hollow for example.

Finally, as I've said, a great read - please please please put some more up so I can read it :)

Changeling
Your opening paragraph was well introduced. I like your similes and metaphors, they help create detailed imagery. ‘….but there didn’t need to be, there wasn’t anywhere to go’ I like this line, it helps build the idea that there truly is nothing but land around, that jenny in the middle of nowhere.
I think I see where you’re going with jenny liking fire……..maybe I’m right I’ll let you know.
‘ “Strangers are just friends we haven’t meet” ‘ love this line.
I’ve read your first chapter, I like it, although it seems slightly contradictory on a few notes concerning roads nearby. One moment you said there were no roads nearby and then you said she was listening for cars…………..although I found this a little confusing i still really enjoyed reading your story. I will continue with this as like to read about witches.
Have a look at mine if you get the chance, perhaps you could give me some advice. Maybe?
Amy.
A Rose so Deadly

I love the ambiance and setting of the opening. I will say that sometimes Jenny's voice and the narrator's voice clash a bit too much for me. You have these literary type descriptions, but then the dialogue and thoughts feel different. (to be honest, I prefer Jenny's voice to the narrators I'd also, if I were you, work on the paragraphing. Part of the issue is the need to tighten things up (spend more time on what's happening and less time on other things) and the other part is just more of a formatting issue, to make the read feel smoother and quicker. That said, the setting is rich and the story line is intriguing. I'd also like to see the scenes smoothed out a bit. Like you have blocks of description with little else, and then whole scenes are dialogue but little else. Try to bring a balance to each scene. Some action, some dialogue, some description, some exposition. Then, it might just be my personal tastes. I REALLY <3 love <3 the premise and the feel to this. If you have any questions, let me know!

A modern fairytale - very nice - the characters are developed (I like Hob) well and the plot is intriguing. Just enough foreshaowing to make me want to continue reading - have read through chapter 6 - I think it is funny that Jenny thinks her brother has been taken and a copy of him has been left just because he is acting so nice - a fresh twist of a plot -looking forward to reading about finding the silver branch and going to fairyland -

I have fairies and a fairy land in my book too - would love to hear your thoughts ~ a
The Women Who Fly Kites

Hi,
I enjoy YA novels so I came to take a look at yours.
I liked the tone of your novel I think it's the right pace for your intended audience. Jenny is an interesting MC and I liked reading all the family dynamics. Realistically portrayed.
What a twist of fate to lose your wishes without realizing. Adds new meaning to that old adage 'be careful what you wish for'
As I only read the first three chapters I still feel there is so much more to come in this tale. A good hook for your prospective readers.
Hobb is endearing and the Big House feels like a character in itself. I love old buildings in these kind of stories.
You have had many comments regarding editing, so I won't included any comments in that area, you seem to be more interested in what works and I think this is an intriguing story with loads of potential.
Best wishes in your path to getting it published,
Cheers Jacoba

Hi,

I wanted to re-read the first chapter. The first line however was an obstacle. You may think me as superficial, but I could not read past it. To me, it would be a harbinger of what is to come. Consequently, I would put the book back on the shelf.
Whilst you may be purposefully commencing with such a sentence, to me, if that's your ploy, you're being too clever by far.
The sentence is ugly. It lacks fluidity. And I'm simply not sure about its general construction.
Change the first sentence, my friend.

HI KA! Just took at look at Changeling! This was nice! Thank you for sharing. Starred!! :)

I've only read chapter one and I've got to say, you did a good job with this. I stumbled over the first line or two, but then your descriptions caught me up and I found myself walking through the woods with Jenny. I'd continue on to chapter two, but its already way past my bedtime. I've added this to my watchlist though and you can be sure I'll be back to finish it another time. :)

~Sun and Moon

~Shaliken

Hi KA, thought I'd drop by to see some of your work :) Unfortunately I'm a slow reader and trying to spread my attentions around a bit, so I've only read the first couple of thoroughly enjoyable chapters thus far.

Since it's the feel of the story you want to know about, that's what I'll give you. I see what you mean about having a taste for more 'darkness', and you pull it off quite well. The overall feel is very mysterious, and you've quite drawn me in. I want to know more. From the moment Jenny entered the woods I could almost feel the presence of the "F" words ;)

Jenny's cynicism is perfect for her age; she reminds me of a teenage girl I work with.

I've enjoyed what I've read so far and plan to come back for more. When it's complete and you're pushing for the top five, let me know and I'll back it without hesitation.

I hand the brick over to you :D

Hi!
Read one of your crits and wondered in view if the detail, whether you write as well as you ctitique!
Hate to say this, I stumbled over the first line.
‘Sunlight filtered through myriad leaves…’ Should this not be ‘Sunlight, filtering through myriad leaves [comma]…’? Maybe that’s just me…
‘She had never been so aware of having nobody near her before’ is a double negative maybe ‘she had never felt so isolated’ – less words.
‘no computer to use[comma] and even if there was, it hadn’t survived.’
‘They would be probably looking’ should be ‘They would probably be looking..’
I won’t go on.
There are so many clumsy sentences that detailed editing would be unhelpful and looks as if I’m pulling it to pieces which is not my intention.
The portion I read is good. You get the feel of the atmosphere and the narrative prose moves well with good pace (despite the clumsy sentences which bring the fluency to a halt).
The MC’s voice is clear and audible. The descriptive prose is good too though a little flowery for me (not most people).
On the whole an enjoyable read, though editing to tighten will be a must.
Backed for a clever and imaginative story which will do well with an edit.

First off, you do a magnificent job at weaving in pieces of characterization for Jenny throughout this first chapter. None of it felt forced and by the end I felt like I knew her pretty well. The first line of the novel is a nice piece of purple prose that gives us the setting and then drops us off in Jenny pov. At which point we learn she couldn't care how beautiful the forest is. Nice contrast.
Dialogue was close to perfect throughout this chapter.
I had some complaints about stilted, or non existent description for her mother and Mr. Skellington. Yet at the same time, with this being a YA novel the lack of detail could work in your favor. I imagine most teens will have a ready face to place on Mr. Skillington and the mother. Giving too much physical detail would likely be a turn off.
I did want a description of the old lady's voice.

I caught a few "that" words which were not needed but I'm sure this is something you will catch down the line.
Also I noticed a few uses of filter words like saw and felt. "Jenny felt a little uneasy......but she felt as though she were being watched.... removing these and re writing these section would bring us closer into her pov and improve things.

Changeling by KA. Smith

I had the pleasure to read this magnificent book. These are my opinions only and whish for others to read and comment on.

The first and most important thing I learned while reading was how to give a descriptions of a Fairy by using dialog. I have to try this and the author does so with clarity. I could see it. I could visual all that happened through an unseen source.

The dialog, I have to admit, there is a lot but it does move the story along.
Now that said, I have a few nit-picks. I would like to see more reactions from the main character. When she finds the silver key by playing with the dog, its flat (my opinion) Show more emotion, High fives, excitement to be holding a vital key to the story. Take the reader on a roller coaster ride, drop them, pick them up, dust them off, and drop again. Get them breathing hard, excited, heart thumping. In addition, drop them again and when they get up, take them through the corkscrew.

As Will said: stay away from the water, (don’t remember the exact wording) was interesting: I could see a duck landing and being swallowed, followed by a belch. You need to work on this one though. The reaction when the dragon took her friend, little reaction. But was explained later, however, I could see her freaking out big time, add more emotion.

I could see the lion and was delighted it was named Sue. Good descriptions too

Overall, a good enjoyable read, funny, intriguing and a neat book to show others how to use dialog in place of descriptions.

Good job, happy reading

Rich W (The Alliance of Worldbuilders crit)

Hi KA, a quick look at Chapters 9 and 10.

I liked the way the story is developing now, and have only a few pointers to comment on.


General plot point – what’s happened to the silver bough that is going to get them out – should Bella be carrying it as extra tension for Jenny?

Chapter 10, when Jenny, Bella and Marly are looking at the pool, and Marly tells them “she is always hungry” you’ve a potential for a scary monster moment – is it worth taking? If the crowds in the tented village were a reasonable size, where do they all live if there were only a few dwellings in sight when J & B looked out across the Land? When the Steward and Duchess talk about the “ other side” should you use caps to make it clear that it’s a big deal? And why is J not surprised that they know the name of her village, if no one’s been across for 100 years? Does time flow differently? I’d have preferred to see Jenny in a cell, from which Marly springs her. Otherwise the steward is in big trouble – maybe he’ll get J’s appointment with the Royal torturer?

Chapter 11 has a whole section in italics. Was that deliberate, because it didn’t seem to fit. I liked the winged lion, reminded me a bit of ‘The Flowing Queen’, which my daughter loves. Should Sue first quote her full name to overawe J a bit, then allow her to call her Sue? I thought that Sue saying that the dragons’ captives were to be ambassadors took out the tension of ‘Will Bella be eaten yet?’ too early in your story, at the moment Jenny is going to get her mate who is on no danger at all, and with no pressure to do that. Get her wound up and terrified, for me, but I like tormenting MCs, that’s why my lot moan about me all the time.

By the way, why was it significant that Bella had the apples? Is this going to be a big issue – if so, maybe big it up a bit?

Hope it helps,

Will

For KA Smith, CHANGELING critique

Had the chance to read a few chapters last night and these are my opinions.

Chapter 2.
The fairy character is upbeat and I enjoyed the dialog. Even the kid too, takes a sudden fairy before him in stride. (maybe a little more reaction to it) From what I remember, I was interested in the story and did not take careful notes. However, the fairy is interesting. It knew all about the kid. I knew it was the way the kid built the fire that attracted it.
I liked the fact that the fairy did not like the “F” word. The description is short and sweet—not drawn out. The kid fed the fairy mild and it “MIGHT” be interesting to explain a little about the cookies. And it held my attention.

Chapter 3
Well-written and interesting but, at first was wondering about the whole thing. I started to think what I liked, so here goes:
This chapter painted a picture of where she is. How the country looked like, (a quiet setting, and peaceful)
Introduced the Old man (great description too, by the way). Makes you wonder WHAT his part of the story comes into play. Old man knew her name, and asked if she was staying with the fairy—interesting strategy.
I liked the cow scene to. Made me want her to sneak up to one and tip it over. Kind of held my attention through the whole chapter. Some parts made me scratch my head though. Not sure about the crow though, it is a cute touch, trying to tie it in, or I’ll find out later in the story.
Nit picks.”Mum had said that “his” was two thousand year old.”
“There’s food here… Jenny walked towards the fire… The crow hopped away, she lit the fire.” -- SO—look at –confusing.
“Jenny walked slowly, passing by the fire pit and trying not to disturb the wood pile.” Easy to read, enjoyed too.

Good luck with this.
Rich W

Challenging – KA Smith

Ch1

You are very creative here, love the introduction and short but sweet back-story on Jenny. She watched the flames and sulked in her misery, she loves fire, but some how knows her mother would not be happy with her having matches because of a small garden shed burning. I could so relate. I was in about eight and living in NY at the time with my family when my brother and I played with matches in the forest. We caught a small tarp fort on fire and my parents nearly blew a gasket. It made me smile thinking of the past memory.

I’m a little slow I guess and I had to reread about her history book. I didn’t catch at the first moment that she’d wished it didn’t exist and then *poof it was gone.

“Strangers are just friends we’ve never met.” I love this line because of the truth behind it.

“King Kong is just a little monkey when you look at her size.” Too funny and great visual description.

Mrs. Morgan, the description of her eyes holding sparkle and having been told the funniest joke paints a wonderful picture for me. I have a feeling she is going to be of great interest to Jenny here soon. And the fact that she’s “A Lady” will mostly likely perk Jenny’s infatuation so she returns.

Ch 2

You add in the tiniest bit of humor that makes me laugh, “wasn’t sure if the spiders were an improvement to her sister, but at least they kept quiet.”

You pulled my heart strings when Jenny thinks back about the foolish wishes she’s wasted. She could have requested for them to be back home, for them to never have lost their home or that her father wouldn’t have left, such deep thoughts for a young girl to bear. She only wants to make things right for her family, her mother.

The introduction of Hob is simple and nicely done, I like her already. Interesting how Jenny called her and didn’t even know it, the mystery behind her grows and what does she mean keeping the place from harm and the dwellers?

Ch 3

Just a little confusion, “Lizzy watched the world for a while,” Did you mean Jenny?

I can so see the flutter of petals falling down, what a magical sight.

You’ve created a wonderful, dreamy world for young readers to delve into. You bring in the everyday life mixed with disappointment and discovery. A world where magic abounds if you just open your mind and see it, and an enchanted Big House encased in mystery and lure.

Great job, Lisa

I loved this story. It put me in mind of Harry Potter, not because of the storyline, but because you’ve created this whole, intricate magical world within our world. The way you interweave humor and action is similar to J.K. Rowling’s style as well. Basically, I’m very impressed. I’ll skip over punctuation issues, because it isn’t my strong point, but I can say this is very polished for a first draft. So, onto the story…

Chapter One: We get to know a little bit about Jenny, but not a bunch. She is inquisitive, clever, and observant. Your imagery in this chapter is lovely, and paints a vivid picture of this area where your MC now finds herself. I chuckled when Jenny made her comment about trees; her boredom is evident here. It makes me a little nervous that she likes fire. I’m feeling some tension when she says she feels as if she’s being watched. And, the scene with Mrs. Morgan…I’m intrigued her, because you’re dropping some clues that things aren’t what they seem.

Chapter Two: You’re dead-on accurate with the sibling dynamics. Jenny makes me laugh when she says Jake is a toerag, and again when she says living with spiders is an improvement over sharing a room with her sister. I love Hob, and cracked up when she referred to the word ‘fairies’ as the ‘F’ word. And, here you’ve given us some insight into Jenny’s life and made her a sympathetic character.

Chapter Three: Dropping some hints about magic here, and setting up the scene for your main conflict in the story. Well done.

Chapter Four: We meet Bella. I love this chapter because you really kick the story into high gear. You’re introducing magical terminology masterfully- no info dumps like I always crank out in my first drafts. (I’m jealous) The story really takes off here. Jenny is confused and trying to figure out what’s going on. So am I, and I’m reading like a speed-demon trying to absorb as much as I can. Can’t stop reading now. And, I just love Bella. I’m so glad Jenny has a friend; they really complement each other.

Chapter Five and Six: You’ve further defined the conflict and given us a protagonist to root against. And, at last: the word Changeling. I laughed out loud because Jenny is suspicious because Jake isn’t up to his usual tricks. This reminds me of my kids: I only worry when they’re quiet.

Chapter Seven: Camping? Ooh, I’m feeling the tension now. I love the way they discover the silver branch. I also like the way Bella describes what being a Witch entails.

Chapter Eight and Nine: Fast-paced, great action here. Good stuff.

This is a very charming story. I can’t think of a single thing to complain about, so I don’t feel like I’m offering you any helpful advice. I’m in love with your characters and can’t wait to find out how this all plays out. Overall, this is a beautifully written, captivating tale.

Dear KA, I just read the first chapter and I liked the story very much. I read your opening re this being a rough draft so I won't go into editing particulars, but the first sentence threw me a little. It set a stage, but not the one I think goes with the story. I found myself re reading the first two sentences a few times to see how they fit together, and I don't think they did fit together. I would like to see the forest through Jenny's eyes, it would help set the stage. That is the only place I had to revisit when I was reading. The mystery is there and it is intriguing. You should get good reviews.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Hi KA, just read through the rest, and a I have a random thought or two. Your use of the word marmalise ( familar to me!) mght not travel too well? Also I didn't think that Jenny expressede enough surprise at the arrival of the silver branch or that she could s figures in peripheral vision and Bella couldn't - any hints yet as to why? Also, if Jenny thinks that her brother is a changeling, can Hob not tell her straight away? Can she not tell a changeling?

Will

This is really enjoyable. You have a way of gripping the reader right from the outside. I can't wait to read on.

Just one thing struck me. When Jenny finally gets back to the big house in chapter 1, isn't she going to give a sigh of relief or something. Up to the point where we are told that her mother works here, we are still not sure if she is in the right place or not.

If it wasn't the right place, and it was a mysterious mansion, then the story would go down a very different route I would imagine.

That is just a tiny point in a very compelling, very enjoyable, story.

All the best, Sana

Hi K A,
I like the pitch for the book, and it did make me want to read it. I just read the first chapter, but I'll let you know what I thought:
The first sentence was really confusing, and I had to read it three times before I understood it. Maybe that's just me, but I thought you should know.
There were a lot of semicolons in the first part, and yet there were a lot of places where there should have been either a semicolon or a period where you used a comma.
The MC seems interesting, and I liked that you get to know her personality through her actions and thoughts instead of just describing her outright.
Some of the lines were really interesting and creative. I liked "pigeons used them for high level toilet seats", and it made me grin.
I may keep reading just to see what happens!

Cora

Hi,
I liked your first chapter, you were recommended to me by Sam, because of the Fairy characters and I wanted to see how you did it. This line was the best: "Who is she calling a little girl? Actually, come to think of it, King Kong is just a little monkey when you're her size."

A interesting story and I will continue to read. I have a placed yours on my WL and will 6 star it, Yours will be backed in a few days and I hope you might want to take a look at Aracelis too.

The best,

Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis

A descriptive beginning. A few more commas in the opening paragraph may help to point out meaning to the new reader.

I quite like the gentle unrolling of description and the slow reveal of Jenny, but then I’m an adult. Do you know how the gentle pace fits with younger readers. I wonder whether they would want to know more about Jenny up front? Her age perhaps? I’m not sure how old she is at this point in the story.

Good plot development in chapter 2 as the fantasy element kicks in. The prose is smooth and flowingand there is some good dialogue. I’m still confused by Jenny’s age. Have I missed something? She adapts to seeing magical non-fairies pretty quickly, so is she quite young? I’m not getting a feeling of teenage angst here, but the feel of the prose is quite adult. Did you have an age-range in mind when you wrote it?

This is a rich piece and I hope the above, slightly random thoughts, are of some use.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Hi,

Intriguing beginning. Just a few minor observations.Maybe I'm obtuse, but I had to read your opening sentence a couple of times, to understand it, purely as a matter of construction. Certainly, this is a trick of Iain M Banks, and indeed, the first sentence could have been taken from one of his novels. Nevetheless, it didn't seem to be as fluid as maybe you intended, and given it's your opening sentence, I wonder if it could be a little simpler.
The fire scene is well described, with a deft touch, though some of it jarred a little. She felt she was being watched. You're telling us this, but given it's a fundamental ingredient of the tension, I'd rather feel her unease, than be told. ' From thud thud....to pitter pattar' seems a little out of place for a well described piece of prose. Rather, ' a noise thrummed in her ears - her heart', or something of similar vein. Again, later, ' the feeling of being watched grew.' Perhaps a little clumsy, and lacking the subtelty and sureness of your general writing.

The dialogue is smart, and highly believable. Just enough, and flows logically. The brief meeting with Mrs Morgan is well balanced, and hints of the promise of mystery.

Well written. With maybe very slight editing, I think this will go far. Congratulations on a fine piece of writing.

Regards,

Kenny

Oh by heck, KA....but this is gorgeous, gorgeous, GORGEOUS!!! I only meant to take a swift peek but I read five chapters without pause and am only pausing to chuck down some thoughts before I go back and finish. What does this remind me of? What is it? It's sort of Susan Cooper and George McDonald mixed with BB....quite a lot of BB but it's all your own. Just beyond lovely.
'the feeling of being alone was so different from the feeling of being lonely.' that was what first set it apart for me.
'She had never heard herself just being alive before' - that cemented it.
Love that feeling of ill-at-easeness you capture so well....the wood incarnated, the fire lit... YESSSSS.
Chap 2: Mum as proper noun, capitalised? I did wonder if you introduced Hob a little early...but, having read further on, I think it's okay.
Chap 3: Love the realism of father leaving debt... Mum had said that his (?) was two thousand years old.
Ancient dead party people? FAB!
Chap 4: formatting goes a bit odd mebbe? Whole pile of itals. 'He is the hunt. He is the swift pursuit and the snapping of jaws.' Wonderful.... 'it's toes' eeek, apostrophe abuse!

KA, this is just so so lovely. It's like the best of the books I read as a child. I suspect it's way too lovely to be picked up by a publisher nowadays but I hope, so so hope, I'm going to be proved wrong.

jxxx

Hello KA, I have arrived (sword in tow) to have a slice...er, look at Chageling. Remember none of the following needs to be heeded if it's missing the point.

The pitch- I prefer the second half to the first one. The 'To think that she was worried about being bored' is good; I don't thibk you need the 'Not any more'. Maybe 'But fears of boredom become the least of her worries...'

ONE
The first sentence paints a nice picture- but I'm tripping over it! It's a bit too flamboyant. I'd keep it simpler: 'Sunlight filtered through the leafy gloom, painting the Jenny's face in spots of gold, and she sighed. Maybe she would be better off in her room...'

'...there wasn't much to do here'- I think this would come across better if you gave us more non-verbal cues to Jenny's boredom. Then we can infer she's trying to entertain herself (and failing miserably).

'There didn't seem...' could strengthen this with 'But unlike the parks, this place had no paths, or anyone to make them. Then again, there didn't need to be; there wasn't anywhere to go.'

'There wasn't much'- this is the fourth 'there' in two sentences. You have two choices: it keeps a good rhythm to the sentence, or two, it's becoming repetitive and drawn out. I'll leave it up to you which you prefer :)

'here and THERE'... see above :)

'She walked uphill'- I'd prefer this as a new paragraph as it's indicating a change in pace (from standing still to movement).

'She had never been so aware of having nobody near here'- could be neatened up: 'She had never been so aware of her own isolation. Yet this was a different kind of alone; not 'lonely'.

'If only her bike hadn't been stolen'- some more reaction from Jenny maybe? She's annoyed? Upset? Angry? Wishing she'd accepted that £15 advance from ebay?

'She stumbled over a stone...' I'd split these sentences up with full stops, as this contrasts nicely with the glossy description you have above and will make the reader think 'hey, what's going on here?'.

For all your description I can't really picture in my head where Jenny is and what she's looking at. With this stone business, I'd like a more clear map of the ash, the stones and the tree she'd been standing under, just to orient myself better.

The fire thing seems a little random. I'd bring in her like of fire earlier, which gives her the reason she's decided to make one (alongside the boredom). It might be nice to go into a bit of detail as to how she knows to make a fire (does she like camping? A survival skill she wanted to learn? Something to get one up on her brother?). Not too much- just some snippets.

It's good, but I think you need to connect Jenny to her surroundings more. You've done it well with the boredom, but a little more 'what to do? this sucks!', to give us a taste of Jenny's personality and temperament.

Some of your sentences have ends bits strung on with commas, when I think a full stop or a semi colon would work better. e.g. 'The flames were pale even in the shade of the trees...(. I)t was a good fire.'

This next bit is better- it's more in Jenny's head, as we finally see why being bored is preferable to going home. I'd draw out slightly more of Jenny's emotions earlier (frustration- perhaps she kicks the stock of firewood? Or thinks angry thoughts?). Of course, this is only a suggestion.

Rest seems alright- will need a proofing to cut down the clutter words, though.

Jenny and her mother's conversation seems very forced and polite- any reason we can't have more emotion in it?

In school- the book thing, I was thinking 'what's the point?'. What is Jenny's purpose to doing that? I can't hear her voice clear enough through the text- I think you need to bring it out more, so I have more of an idea what's going through her head. You did this quite well in Blood Sisters with Mehret's daydreaming- needs a touch of that here!

Ah, some mystery now...but it did seem to come from nowhere! Jenny's Mum gives her flowers to take to what amounts to a complete stranger? This is starting to crack my suspension of disbelief. A little more coherence to the early story would help some.

Also...the opening of this caught me guard, because the pitch told me Jenny was going to the country. It seems she's already IN the country (the wood, unless I'm missing something). I was expecting a transitional type opening where she has to adapt from urban to rural life. Might just be me bringing my own ideas to the fore, but just giving you my honest reaction.

TWO
Again, the sentence 'Jenny looked up' needs to be split by a full stop or semi colon, not a comma.

'looked'- appears three times in the opening. You could drop the third one: 'Jenny looked at her Mum, then at the history book.'

'looked at the phone in her hand'- glanced? Frowned? A bit more of Jenny's reaction, please!

Ah, things start to pick up now. Because Jenny's curiosity is strong, it's coming through more in your writing. You need to inject her personality into the opening scenes, to give them more life. After all this is Jenny's story- let HER be the one to tell it!

Again, it seems your eagerness to get the plot started has left Jenny's character in the dust, so to speak. I don't really feel much empathy for her, which I think is important to keep momentum until the big sparks start to fly. The idea is fun and you've got the building blocks all there. They just need some chiselling to make each character unique and stand out on their own.

That's probably the thing I'd say needs work to make the story lift off the page. Really work on Jenny, give us her thoughts, running commentary on things. You've done this in places (like the shed accident), just go for more. She's a great personality for your readers to follow, so really make it shine!

Good luck and all the best

Sam241

Hi KA. Pull up a branch, and get comfy.

I likes the tone, mostly spot on for the TA. Point I'd raise though, is that perhaps you could darken the tone for the momentous events at the start. I found that by the time I got to chapter 3, I had lost the fire starting scene, as it had not registered as significant when I read it.

Start of para 3, might be worth stressing the family connections, as they felt a bit loose - why would jake and Lizzie be looking for Jenny? Some of the slang phrases - swiped for example - were very UK, whilst others - Jenny figured - were quite US, and just didn't quite help the voicing settle down at the start.

I liked the use of italics, to stress Jenny's thoughts. Later on there seemed to be an issue here, maybe you forgot to take the italics button off on the WP? and you had quite a chunk in italics, which spolit the effect you were achieving.

When the history text book turns up back in the cupboard, it is not clear that that is what has happened. The teacher says "How?" but dies he give the book to jenny again? I don't know.

Capter 2 The name Hob was an issue for me. Cultural conditioning, maybe? But Hob has alweays been a male name here, Hobgoblin etc. Incidentally, some time, type Wychwood Brewery into google, and have a look at the Hobgoblin T shirts.... Anyway, Hob being female jarred with me. I enjoyed the vanishing hat, nice one there.. Then comes one of the instances of overuse of the italics, when you use them for some scene description. A waste for me, as it dilutes the excellent effect earlier.

Perhaps in charpter 2 you could feed a bit more of the back story in? There's a few hints, but a tad more - perhaps about how the kids feel about no longer having a dad around, do they miss him, want to see him etc? Is that a reason for bad behaviour? Nothing too heavy, just a few more hints maybe.. Chapter 3. Talking crow, nice touch. At a scene break, just after the bit with the farmer, you've got a Lizzie typed in where it should be a jenny.

Sorry, lost all the rest, so I'll just wing it:

Bella arrives, in Chapter 4 with some americanisms ( snuck) but it is not made clear untiil chapter 5 that she has am American parent. Perhaps bring that info forward? Also Bella seems to assume that Jenny knows all about magic, and I didn't think that Jenny showed enough surprise/disorientation at that. The break from schooltime to weekend needs clarification, too.

For example, Jenny asks "Summoning who?" rather than "What's a summoning?" Then you need to edit the extended italics, where the button got stuck. In chapter 6 we learn that when Lizzie was out in Chapter 1, she was down the pub, could that have been usefully hinted at - background noise so to speak - in the mobile conversation between Jenny & Lizzie? Why didn't mum grab the phone off Jenny to scream at Lizzie then? SWMBO certainly would have done that....

When the two girls go for a walk in the woods, perhaps make it clear? At first i thought that they were still in a bedroom...

Sorry. Lost the original, which was so much better.

But I loved the atmosphere and the characters are well drawn. Good stuff. Will

Super rad killer start, KA. It has a really good atmosphere and fascinating characters. I can tell you are in your element here!

This is looking good. I did find that at the start, you told me a lot of what was happening, but I didn't know who the girl was or anything about her, and I'd have liked to. Just a tiny bit of background so I had a rough idea and felt more involved in what was happening to her. I think that at the start, it should also be just 'myriad leaves.'

The story has warmed up now, in chapter three, and I've got to know the people, and there's some very strange things happening. I'd say it has all the elements I'd have enjoyed when I was young, and am looking forward to reading more.
On my watchlist for now.
Cariad
STONES.