Secret

What a wonderfully original plot.

Read a bit further. Starred and backed. I see potential here.

great idea, told very well...interesting subjects arise- l will back...
read SEASONS...

on my watchlist; will read

Read a bit further. Starred and backed. I see potential here.

Hello Maiya. I’ve read the opening of Secret and left some thoughts, which I hope prove useful. This is a brilliant idea for a story, but there are numerous syntax and punctuation errors that make it difficult to read. I would suggest re-editing. Once this is done, I’m sure the book will shine. Good luck.
Pitch:
Syntax: ...self proclaimed right to discard of whom they feel necessary. This should read: ...self-proclaimed right to discard anyone they deemed necessary.
Although the pitch does its job of giving the reader an insight into the story, I think it needs to be cut back a little and tightened up.
Visionary.
Syntax: However his (beginning) experiment... bracketed word should be: “initial” experiment.
Wordiness: Bryce’s theory was that the only way that the microchips could successfully fuse with a (persons) DNA, was it would have to be injected into the egg of a female, so they could play ‘human’ and grow as the (fetus) did.
This sentence is overlong and a bit clunky. The 1st bracketed word has been written as the plural of person and needs an apostrophe to define ownership as in: “person’s”. The second word is misspelt and should be: foetus. I would suggest restructuring this sentence along the lines of: Bryce’s theory was that the only way the microchips would successfully fuse with human DNA, would be to inject them into the egg of a female. This way they could play ‘human’ and grow as the foetus did.
Wordiness: But he found that they had actually been recognized by the mother’s white blood cells that disallowed for his creation to manifest. What you’re saying here is that the white blood cells recognised the microchips as an infection and accordingly disabled them, but you’re saying it in a very roundabout way. Would suggest something like: He discovered that the microchips had been recognised as an infection by the mother’s white blood cells, preventing them from functioning.
Syntax: The second woman experimented stayed healthily... The second woman experimented (on) stayed healthily... Missing the bracketed word.
Syntax: Bryce (accomplished) it for her. This should be: Bryce achieved it for her.

ALLOW THIS WARNING: Secret is very much raw in form and I'm not particularly a fan of the first few chapters myself because they are more informative and i'd like it to be more storytelling-esque. If you can give advice for those and get through them then it gets much better. Not just persuading you to read more just because i want you to finish it, but because I don't want the same criticisms for the first chapters. Also I understand my grammar is a very weak point; always has been. :( I'll take advice on that as well!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

You have a great book here, but your talent is largely obscured by some serious grammatical errors and poor sentence structure. The dialogue is often distracting. I'm not much of a critic, so take my comments with a grain of salt. A good, solid proofreading would go a long way in helping whip this book into shape. I like the storyline, and you've done a good job creating tension (which is sometimes difficult, so I applaud you). I think you may want to change your classification to YA; I think it would do well with the younger readers.

This is an original and fascinating story, but the execution is a long way from where it should be. There are numerous errors of grammar and spelling, and the writing does not flow. The story can be a winner, but I suggest you take it down, work on it, practise your writing, maybe even with other stories, and try again with it in a few years. You have the imagination, and maybe after a while, your skills can match that imagination.

Hi Maiya,

i just spotted your thread on the forum where you seemed to be seeking comments. So here I am to have a read of your work. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Intriguing tech that seems to raise all sorts of moral questions and implies a sort of Big Brother attitude. This is playing God in a way that I suspect may backfire.

1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long. They could make for pretty intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Chapter 2: Hmmm this new society is scary and cold. No secrets. No way of hiding vulnerability. Can humans really exist in such a way? Readings of potential could completely destroy a person's future. I wonder how many people have their future snuffed out in such a way when they might have been able to go far with enough drive and hard work. Your story of the twins' reading was especially sad. I wonder if their death was accidental or suicide.

I wonder why Naya's parents had her read privately. Is there some secret about her? There must be. Otherwise why keep the reading secret even from her?

Chapter 3: Wow dramatic news. Naya's pregnant. I wonder of the import this will have in such a strange new world. Good dialogue here between the mother and her. It feels real.

I’ve a suggestion here, though. I think it’s best to avoid descriptive speech tags such as inquired/offered etc… because it’s clear from the dialogue itself if somebody is inquiring/offering etc. So the explanation isn’t needed. If, on the other hand, the speech tag doesn’t match the tone of the dialogue, the speech tag would jar. In either case, I think dialogue reads easier and faster with a simpler and more transparent speech tag such as “said.”

Reading on... The parents seem shocked, but they seem like decent sorts. At least they're not flying off the handle. I wonder if the parents have more reason to worry than Naya knows. though. After all, they seem to know of some secret about her.

Shock revelation at Aunt Joyce's. Looks like she has a hidden medical facility. Is this to help with ... unplanned pregnancies? Could Joyce be some sort of backstreet abortionist?

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "The regret ... leaked into my heart..." is you telling the reader she feels regret. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "My heart froze" you'd be showing the reader how she feels. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Chapter 4: Ah the secrets start to come out. The Aunt's a doctor who wants this Public Eye brought down. And we learn at last why Naya was always read in private. She's different. She's a special sort of secret. If that got out shed be in trouble. Looks like Public Eye has an agenda. They're trying to breed secrets out of the human race. Looks like both Naya and her baby could be in v real trouble. Her future suddenly looks v scary indeed...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. This is a fascinating and scary new world.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete x

An interesting premise. A tough POV to do well. I think you have something interesting here. WL for a future read beyond Chapter 3.

What a wonderfully original plot.

Maiya,
What an unusual find your book's turned out to be after I stumbled across it on this website and started scrolling up the pages. The narrative flows well with clear phrasing and believable dialogue. Using the first person as your POV has the effect of catapulting your reader into the future to experience Naya's struggles. Thank you so much for this glimpse into a Secret's soul.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean