Book Jacket

 

rank 1168
word count 249721
date submitted 28.03.2011
date updated 29.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
complete

If Only Tonight

Andene

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she gets a job working with her favorite player...Matthew...

 

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she lands her dream job working as a sports injury specialist. She's thrilled when she finds out she'll be working with her favorite player: Matthew Rossi. Her happiness is shattered when it turns out that Matt hates her from the moment they meet. He goes all out to make sure Mia quits.

Matt knows one thing for sure: Mia doesn't belong with him. No matter what he feels towards her, he's not right for her. He tries to push her away but there is something keeps drawing him to her.

Together all they know is that there must be a way for them to be together. Love is worth it...right?

 
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tags

brampton, canada, cars, england, football, london, matthew, mia, nathaniel, oliver, romance, soccer

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38 comments

 

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Chapters

16

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Chapter Fifteen: Face Off

Into The Storm

Chapter Fifteen: Face Off

"He's completely infuriating!"

"I can't believe he said that to you! How long has he been coming late?"

Mia drummed her fingers on her desk, in thought.

"He used to skip...so I guess it's better. He's been doing this for the last two weeks. Ever since I told him off...I really shouldn't have let him get to me." Mia voiced her regret. She hated that he got to her so easily.

"He completely deserved it. But Mia...You must really like him to have put up with all that."

"What?" Mia choked almost dropping her cell phone.

"Come on, Mia. He can't be that bad or you would be back with Phillips already. You know you love him." Stacie was clearly of no help whatsoever.

"Not even." She sighed, she had been commiserating with Stacie. It was more of a one sided commiseration. While Mia was having trouble with Matthew, Stacie was happy working in Melbourne and even happier to be needling Mia.

"Mia you should really come down here. The weather's lovely, the beaches are beautiful, and there are plenty of good looking guys...okay their downright gorgeous. It could take your mind off things." Stacie hinted.

"Sounds like you're getting a lot of work done. Checking out guys and all." Mia shot.

"You know what they say. All work and no play makes a very miserable Stacie. Speaking of which, are you going anywhere for Christmas break?"

Mia froze. She hadn't said anything to her parents yet. I should really get to that, she thought. Every time she tried to write a response to her father, something would conveniently come up.

"Hey are you still there?" Stacie's voice came.

Shaking her head, Mia found her voice.

"Yea, sorry about that. I don't really know what I'll be doing for the break. My parents are asking me to come home, but I don't know if I'll be able to take time off. There are a few games in December, and I think there's one on Boxing Day." Mia told her friend, as she quickly checked the calendar hanging on the wall, confirming her guess.

"Why? Do you have anything planned? Are you coming for the break?" Mia asked.

"Nope...I have to stay. I promised the grad students in my group that I would hold some seminars and help them troubleshoot...You can always come over though! You could cheer up the group; show them that there is life after uni! Have some fun, you know, you shouldn't let the Ice King work you so hard."

Mia laughed, as she heard Stacie snicker.

"I don't...but I might just take you up on the offer, maybe I'll come...before Christmas probably."

"That would be awesome! We'll hit the town together!"

"Yay..." Mia managed weakly.

"So how are the boxing lessons coming along?" Stacie asked, changing the subject.

"I guess it's going well." Mia said, checking when her next appointment would be coming. Nathaniel would be coming in a few minutes, and then she would be heading for the gym.

"Well? That's it? No cute instructor?" Mia sighed upon hearing this.

"No, the lesson part is done...and...I requested a female instructor."

"What? Why? Mia! You need to go out more." Stacie berated her.

"Stacie, not everything needs to have some underlying purpose to meet a guy." Mia retorted.

"Would it kill you to meet even one?"

"At the moment? Yes it would. Look I have to go, I'm still working. I'll call you later." Mia said, getting up from her desk and moving towards the filing cabinet for Nathaniel's file.

"Fine, kill joy. Take care of yourself Mia. Bye."

Mia closed her cell phone, a sigh escaping her lips. When was the last time I went on a date? She asked herself. Her mind went blank. Maybe Stacie's right-

Her thoughts were interrupted as a knock sounded on the door.

"Hey Mia."

"Hello, Nate." Mia turned to see the brown haired player. Nathaniel was dressed in a long sleeved black shirt, with beige pants. There must not have been any practice today. Most of the time, the players would come in their training gear.

"So how is the boxing going?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?" Mia asked, exasperatedly. Nathaniel looked at her, puzzled.

"Who else has asked you?" Nathaniel asked.

"Oliver asked me. Lucas was laughing at me...and my friend Stacie just asked me...is it so hard to believe I would actually go through with it?" Mia said, as she walked towards him.

"Truthfully?"

Mia looked at Nathaniel, eyeing him.

"Go on." She dared him.

"It is hard to believe. I would have thought you were done going to the gym by now." He grinned.

Mia smacked him with his file.

"Well I don't quit. In fact I'll be going to the gym after this." She told him, looking through his file.

"Since you're going, I'll join you. I bet I could show you a thing or two." Nathaniel offered.

"Really?" Mia asked, a little nervous.

"Yea, sure."

"You won't make fun of me? Right?"

"Don't worry. I won't." Nathaniel reassured her.

"So how much of the house is finished?"

Matthew turned to look at Oliver, as he ran on the treadmill. Oliver was sitting on the stationary bike.

"Almost done! The builders were taking their sweet time for a little while." Matthew told him.

"Too bad you weren't there supervising." Oliver told him, starting to peddle again.

"Nah, Lina and Leon were there to rip their heads off if they screwed up much more. Lina scared them a few months ago. She was really fed up. You know how she can be."

He heard Oliver laugh.

Slowing down his pace to a gradual stop, Matthew decided to call it a day. Oliver was right behind him.

They walked in the direction of the change rooms. As they walked down the hall leading to the boxing ring, Matthew heard some voices.

"Nice. Try again, Mia!" He heard a familiar laugh. What's going on? Matthew wondered as he peered down the hall.

"Hey! You promised you wouldn't laugh!"

"I'm not!"

There standing in the ring were Mia and Nathaniel. Matthew watched as Mia threw some punches towards Nathaniel. Nathaniel easily blocked them.

"Hey, it's Mia." Oliver said coming up behind Matthew.

"Since when did she learn to box?" Matthew asked, trying to sound indifferent.

"She's been taking lessons for the last few months...since Jason." Oliver told him quietly.

Matthew was silent. She must have felt vulnerable...I didn't try to help her- He stopped himself from thinking any more.

"Are you just going to stand there or go say hi?" Oliver nudged him.

"I'm going to the room. Need a shower." Matthew excused himself, as he turned away and walked off. Behind him he could hear Oliver greet Nathaniel and Mia. As soon as he was sure that Oliver was with the other two, Matthew doubled back.

Standing hidden from view, Matthew watched as Mia aimed another punch at Nathaniel. She was dressed in a loose black t-shirt and a pair of shorts, which showed off her long, shapely legs. Her hair was tied back, a helmet over her head.

The over-sized gloves on her hands looked far too heavy for her as she swung again at Nathaniel.

"Yea! You got it!"

Matthew heard Nathaniel cheer Mia on.

That should be me, Matthew thought wistfully. What? No, no, no...It's good that it isn't me! Matthew was shocked that he could think such a thing. I'm better off without her, Matthew tried to convince himself.

Watching as Oliver got in to the ring and talked to Mia, Matthew had had enough. He turned and walked away. He needed to stay away from her. Now if only his heart would agree.

Tapping a pencil on her desk, Mia contemplated a proper reply to her father's emails. Checking the time, Mia knew if she really wanted to she could finish the letter before Matthew showed up. He was her last appointment for the day, and then she could run to the gym where Nathaniel would be waiting for her.

In truth it was more fun boxing with Nathaniel and Oliver. They made the time spent in the gym enjoyable. They had helped make the week go by faster.

Concentrating on the task at hand, Mia chewed on the back of her pencil.

'Hey Dad,

I don't think I'll be coming this year-'

"Nah...That's not working..." Mia thought out loud, as she pressed the delete key and watched the words disappear. "Come on...think!" She urged herself.

'Dear Dad,'

"Dear dad, what!" Mia spoke with frustration. Mia closed her eyes and leaned back in to her chair. '"Think, think, think!" It took a few minutes, but Mia figured out something to write.

'I'm fine. I've been busy with work. It's nice to be out of research. For once, I don't have to worry about publishing papers. Hope you and Mom are alright. I know it's been a while since I've been home...I missed the cottage this year too. I miss you too.

About the memorial...I'm not sure if I'll be able to come. I just started here a few months ago...and I haven't asked my boss how much time I can take off. '

Before she could type anymore, there was a knock at the door. Saving her email as a draft, Mia minimized the window. Glancing at her watch to see what the time was, Mia was noted that there was a minute before Matthew's scheduled appointment.

"You're early." Mia said before turning to see who it was.

"Early? For what?"

Quickly looking around to see who it was, Mia saw Nathaniel grinning.

"Sorry...I thought you were Matthew. He's my last appointment for the day." She explained.

"Oh...I just came to ask if you were heading to the gym after."

"Yea, I can meet you there in about thirty minutes." Mia told him, looking at her watch.

"I can wait if you want." Nathaniel offered.

"You don't have too."

"It's okay, it's not like I have anything else to do."

Having watched her practice with his friends the entire week, Matthew knew he was going to be eating his words soon. It had been idiotic to say they weren't friends when that wasn't at all what he had wanted. Had he just put in some effort to be liked, he would be there with her. He would be the one making her laugh. He would be the one catching her when she fell. And yet here he was watching her once more, a shadow in the hall way.

He had skipped his appointment. Another stupid move, he probably had a ton of things stacked up against him. She would never want to know me...It's my fault, he thought with misery.

"Come on, Mia. Don't be afraid. Just go for it!" He heard Nathaniel encouraging her.

Watching her throw a few punches, Matthew smiled in spite of himself. No longer did she close her eyes while throwing a punch. She had improved over the last few days. Oliver was telling her the same thing.

Jealousy coursed through Matthew. Unable to stop himself, Matthew stepped out from the safety of the shadows.

"So this is where you two have been lately."

As Mia threw another punch, she heard a familiar voice. The one voice that could at times instil fear in her.

"So this is where you two have been lately."

Mia looked around to find Matthew walking towards them.

"Been ditching me all week."

Oh, no! What could he possibly want? Mia thought.

He had skipped his appointment, and now he was here...that could not be a good omen for her.

"Sorry Matt, I forgot to tell you that me and Oliver were going to be here." Nathaniel apologised, stepping out of the ring to greet Matthew.

Mia could tell he was watching her. He knew how to intimidate her, and there he was doing it all over again.

"I'll see you guys later." Mia told them, thinking it was her cue to leave. How wrong she was...

"No, it's okay. How about I go against you?" Matthew asked her.

"What?" Mia asked in shock.

"I'll have a go. You've been practicing with Nathaniel and Oliver. Let's see how good you've gotten." Matthew told her, there was a smug look on his face.

"It's okay...I was going to turn in for the night." Mia tried to excuse herself.

"Come on, one round." He sounded like he was hoping she would agree.

Mia looked over to Oliver. What was going on? Matthew never cared about what she was doing...yet here he was. Oliver looked just as confused. He was trying to humiliate her? Was that it? Mia knew to question his motives.

"Come on, Mia. I bet you can beat him." Nathaniel told her, he seemed oblivious to the tension between them.

"Umm..."

"I'll go easy on you." Matthew told her.

"Fine, come on. Let's go." She told him, hating that he would even think to go easy on her. She was going to show him.

Crap! What did I do? Mia thought with alarm, as Matthew stepped in to the ring and the Oliver went out to stand outside the ring with Nathaniel. Oliver handed him the gloves, and the padded helmet, as he left.

As soon as they had left, Mia looked up at Matthew, she was unsure of what to do next. She was having second thoughts.

"You've actually been working out?"

The question caught her off guard. She couldn't tell whether he was expecting an answer, or if he was making fun of her. She decided to answer anyway.

"Yea...I needed something to do."

"And this was the best you could come up with?" He goaded her. He was making fun of her, Mia sighed, and there was no stopping him.

"Look, let's just get this over with." She told him.

"Alright, but let's have a wager."

"I don't bet."

"Friendly bet, then. If I win, I get to decide the time for my appointments...for the rest of the month."

Mia weighed her options, that didn't sound so bad.

"Okay, and if I win...you can't skip anymore...and you have to come on time. For the rest of the season." She told him, pointedly.

"That's if you win."

I will win! Mia thought adamantly.

"Nathaniel! You can referee." Matthew called out.

Mia looked over to see Nathaniel bob his head in agreement.

"Okay...one, two, and three...ding! Ding! Ding!" Nathaniel imitated the bell.

They circled each other, slowly, watching each other carefully.

Mia could feel herself getting anxious. Who was going to win? Would she be able to beat him? Should she throw the first punch? Deciding on an answer for at least one of the questions, Mia steeled herself in preparation.

A fine predicament I've gotten myself into, Matthew thought darkly. Knowing he had made a mistake the minute he had opened his mouth, Matthew kept walking in a circle. Why can't I keep my mouth shut? He asked himself. He would not be throwing the first punch. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to throw a punch; his mother would have killed him if she knew he was fighting a girl. In his mind he could hear her berate him. How dare you lay a hand on that girl! That's not how you treat a lady! He could hear his mother screech. Believe me...I know, Matthew responded to the voice in his head.

As Matthew contemplated how he would keep from fighting the girl, he didn't have to wait long for Mia, as she flung her gloved fist at him.

Matthew blocked the shot, but still she came at him; each punch stronger than the one before. It felt like she was releasing her anger towards him. Anger that he was the root cause of. He kept blocking her shots; she was forcing him to keep stepping backwards.

He could hear her sharp intake of air before starting a new barrage of attacks. She's not going to give up, is she? He asked himself, as he caught a glimpse of her determined face. He could hear Oliver and Nathaniel heckling him as they cheered Mia on.

As the punches started to lighten, Matthew knew she was tiring out. There was a pause in her assault on him. He thought she was done. Mistakenly putting his arms down, it took less than a second for Matthew to realize how wrong he was. Mia took a shot right at his chest. He tripped over his feet, but caught on to the ropes surrounding the ring.

Composing himself whilst the other two cheered for Mia, Matthew knew it was best to consider it over.

"And Mia is victorious!" He heard Nathaniel call out.

Watching as Mia took off her helmet and gloves before walking up to him, Matthew wondered what she wanted. She's already beaten me...isn't that enough? He thought, knowing his ego had taken more of bruising than him.

She walked up close to him. He saw her face flushed from the exercise, her emerald eyes glowing. Captivating, he found himself thinking.

"So...I'll be seeing you ten o'clock tomorrow morning. Be there or be undeclared." She told him quietly so only he could hear. Matthew smiled inwardly at the rhyme. Mia watched him for some sign. He nodded his head, defeated and intrigued by the fact that she didn't rub his face in her victory. Anyone else would have loved the chance.

He watched as she left the room, saying her goodbye to both Oliver and Nathaniel.

As Matthew got out of the ring, he could hear Nathaniel still laughing at him.

"You truly are a glutton for punishment, Matthew." Oliver murmured, as they started walking towards the exit.

"What can I say? It is my strong point..." Matthew muttered under his breath.

"Oh, I know..." He heard Oliver agree.

 

Chapters

16

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Bea Sinclair wrote 100 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 157 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 462 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 456 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

scargirl wrote 455 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Bea Sinclair wrote 100 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 157 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 231 days ago

If Only Tonight by Andene
A deep and sweet story filled with twists and turns in the Life of both Mia and Matthew.
Though some of the language is a little over the top, I really love this story.
Mia is a pure character. Her life is tragic with a mother who cares more for a dead son than her living son. She struggles to keep her job tending to the soccer team players. Mia doesn't drink, sex, or cuss. She is a special and sweet girl with a lot of heart to her character.
Matt doesn't make life easy for Mia, but she keeps her chin up and works hard despite the problems with Matt.
The team really takes care of Mia against a overbearing player and Matt's problems.
It is a beautiful book worth the read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 442 days ago

Chapter 67 very good though emotional.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 452 days ago

Chapter 66 is so touching.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 455 days ago

Amazing new chapters. The pull is so wonderful for the reader.
There is so much that happened to come to these three chapters.
Wonderfully done again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

scargirl wrote 455 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Shelby Z. wrote 455 days ago

Love the new cover. It is really special looking.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 456 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

Shelby Z. wrote 462 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 469 days ago

Your new chapters are really well done once again.
The tension rises and the thrill of this is all so good.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 484 days ago

I really enjoyed the three new chapters. I love the way things are going for everyone.
I am dying to know how this book will turn out.
Looking forward to the rest.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 496 days ago

LOVE the three new chapters. They are captivating and making the story unfold beautifully.
I can't wait to read the rest when you get them up!
Wonderful!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 497 days ago

I read the new chapters last night. They are so very well developed and keep your story flowing along nicely.
You sure now how to write!
Great work!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

JMF wrote 502 days ago

Hi Andene,
I like Chick lit so thought I'd take a look at this. First of all, I like the idea behind the story and it starts off well. The prologue leaves enough intrigue to want to continue so I was happy to read the next two chapters. There are a few consistency issues such as stating that the cottage belongs to her parents and then saying that it is hers a few sentences later. You mention she has 'parched lips' - perhaps a little over the top as she hasn't been stuck in the desert without water for days on end! I like the cliff hanger at the end of the prologue.
In Chapter One Felix is referred to as Felix and then Mr Pettyfer by the secretary. I think she would either use one or the other.
During her interview Mia says she comes from Toronto and then clarifies this by saying that it is in Canada. This comes over as a little condescending and I'm not sure that Mia is like this. She could say she comes from Canada, Toronto to be exact.
Occasionally there is a clumsy turn of phrase such as, "Her emerald green eyes were something he'd never seen before." Maybe it could be changed to something like "He'd never seen such stunning emerald green eyes."
These are just small points and as you are aware, totally subjective! I hope you find them helpful.
I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I wish you luck with your writing.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

katjay wrote 511 days ago

Andene
If Only Tonight
Hi Andene, sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you, but I've been so busy recently. My apologies! I've read the prologue and first two chapters. Great pitch certainly draws you into the story and I want to find out how Mia and Matt pan out. Some small grammar issues but nothing that can't be fixed.
Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Mystery Reader wrote 516 days ago

Great work on your book!
The pitch is drawing.
The title is unique but foretells of what you have to write.
Your books starts off so well, because it is a future so you can bring it right up to that point.
Your characters are so clearly developed and set apart.
The hold story line is very creative and new.
Super work here.

*Reader*

Shelby Z. wrote 516 days ago

Okay found your web novel.
Read two more chapters, super good.
I am dying to know how it will turn out.

SHelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 516 days ago

Amazing work you've done here, but I want to read the rest of it. It is just soo good.
Super Amazing work here.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 517 days ago

Chapters 21-23.
SOOOO good.
I love the idea of the ring that Mia wears, that is soooo very cool and fun. I love the way you made her character.
Super grand job with it.
Keep it up!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 518 days ago

Chapter 18-20
Getting even better!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 519 days ago

Read chapters 14-17.
I love the part where they are swinging at the park. I love to swing! Anyhow it adds a special tone to that chapter.
The way you are developing everything is quite well. Sometimes there seem to be a lot of jumping between characters in chapter 16.
I really enjoy the way you put morals for these characters. They aren't heavy party people and the sex issue is kept down to nothing.
Really super job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 532 days ago

Two more chapters read.
It is still a good story that you have here. The plot is really folding out at a good pace and the character development is perfect. No mistakes so far either.
I am up to chapter 12 now.
Keep up the good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Hope to read more at a later date.

Shelby Z. wrote 546 days ago

This is written really well.
I really enjoy how the story starts off in a gripping way. I'm glad that you've only put a few swearwords in your book. It makes it worth reading.
You make everything flow super well.
Your characters form at a good pace.
No misspelling or wrong words, so good job there.
I do enjoy how it goes.
GREAT JOB!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

L_MC wrote 564 days ago

Andene, I saw you've recently updated this so read the prologue and four chapters. Your long pitch suggested a story that would appeal to me and I do like the antagonism and confused feeling you have set up between Matthew and Mia in these initial chapters. I want to know who Matthew didn't want to think about, why he is so afraid of finding love and there is a hint there will be more to come about how Max died and how that has affected Mia. Looking forward to seeing how it works out between these two.

They are some minor typos and I did wonder why Felix was still assuming M Brooklyn was a man after he had already spoken to Mia's boss. I think it's natural for people to refer to those they are talking about as he/she his/hers etc so think Dr Phillips would have given away Mia's gender.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 603 days ago

I read the prologue and part of Chapter 1 and I definitely love your main character Mia! The prologue is a great hook - it makes me wonder about what will happen after Mia answers the phone. You introduce her very well in the first chapter. Mellenia is an unusual name - I love it. By the way, you have a great cover! On the whole, I think your book will appeal to ChickLit/Romance lovers and I wish you the best of luck with your wonderful book. I hope to return to it when I have a bit more time :) Embellished it with loootsss of stars!

Ivan Amberlake

Su Dan wrote 723 days ago

you write this very well. great pace and style brings the story and characters to life...
l shall back
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Andene wrote 724 days ago

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the short sentences!
~Andene

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

wendyjones wrote 733 days ago

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

Wendy Proteau wrote 747 days ago

Hi Andene!
I read through your work and i think you have a great story. As others have mentioned, there are some ways to combine some of the paragraphs in order to improve the flow. Sometimes using dialogue can move the story faster, and it will help with the flow. I'll send you an email to show some examples. The punctuation does need a little bit of help (something I had to learn myself)....But i think with a little bit of editing, it will be wonderful.

All my best,
Wendy

Brittany Engstrand wrote 755 days ago

Not bad! First thing I noticed was the name of her hometown... is this a real place? If so, I would maybe put he state or around where it's at because (unless it's just because I'm american) it's possible no one knows where that is. There's quite a few grammar errors like a lot of "..." that could go and some one to two line paragraphs that could be added to another paragraph. Also, yea is technically yeah and a couple of commas are out of place, but as far as the actual story, it's a decent read. This isn't much of my genre, so I don't know too much about how to fix anything on that end. However, The prologue makes me want to find out what happens at that part (which can be a good and bad thing... some will say it makes people want to read on, others will say it makes readers want to rush and maybe even skip ahead).

Whew, okay now that we're past everything harsh, I like the story so I will add it to my shelf. It shows a lot of potential and with a little editing it can go a long way! Best of luck!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Juliusb wrote 778 days ago

Dear Adene,

From the full pitch, your book should be interesting, being like bringing the South pole to be intimate and share commonalities North pole. Like Socrates calling on his students and siting down with them to think how the impossible should become possible. I will pick some chapters at random and peruse through them and see how it is mending.

Carol Ritten Smith wrote 799 days ago

Andene, you said you could take it so I have a few words of advice. I started reading Chapter One, but I got so bogged down with dialogue tags, I couldn't carry on. Dialogue tags are to clarify who said what. In the beginning of this chapter there are only two characters, Mia and the secretary. The first few paragraphs don't require any tags. It is obvious who is saying what. Even the 'Mia insisted' part is unnecessary, because the dialogue indicates it. So my advice is to get rid of as many tags as you can. Also, when you use a tag, usually there is a comma in front of it, not a period. IE: . . . and correspondence courses," Mia said, quietly.

Another essential tip. You need to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I've corrected a portion so you can see how to do it.

"You were promoted twice in gradeschool?"

Mia blushed again. "Yes," she muttered.

"Which grades?"

"Three and six."

"You finished high school in three years? How?"

"I took virtual school classes and summer school."

Did you notice I got rid of the ellipse (...). Use them very sparingly. And also using adverbs in tags are a bit of a no no. IE: Felix told him, sternly. Your dialogue should relay the sternness in his warning. Editor are put off with words that end in 'ly'. Find a stronger word so you don't need the adverb.

Okay, that's enough criticism. I've read other comments here about your book and it sounds like you have a good story to tell. You just need some dialogue help. Get a grammar book. "Strunk and White's Elements of Style" has the very basics and will benefit you. Do a "ly" search in edit (I think that's where you'll find it) and try to find stronger words for every adverb ending in 'ly'. Getting your story written is only a small part of writing. Editing is where the work begins. Edit, edit and then edit some more. Rewrites are part of the business of writing.

I hope I haven't offended you. I offer this advice with the best intentions to make your writing better. Keep at it. Best wishes, Carol

greengirl525 wrote 800 days ago

This is a really awesome read it so interesting and you have awesome characters
I can't wait to read more of the chapters

GreenGirl525

Gracie Ray wrote 806 days ago

This is such a great read! I love the plot, and you have great characters!!! I can't wait to read again when it's finished!!

Andene wrote 807 days ago

Hi Kirk,

The title is based on the song 'Only Tonight' by JLS...which is an awesome song! You should check it out! Thank you for the comment and backing! It means a lot to me!

Thanks!
Andene

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

KirkH wrote 811 days ago

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Red2u wrote 813 days ago

hi there Andene. have gone through the first 2 chapters... thoroughly enjoy the read..quite the smart cookie this Mia have placed on my watchlist for further reading ...good luck

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